Let's talk about toilets - The 2003 Colonic Indiustries Survey...

Scott Stoolmeister, marketing manager of colonic industries writes

"In order to serve it's customers better, Colonic Industries(tm) likes to know what is happening on the front line of the Turd industry - the toilet. We hope with this information we can provide for the toilet of the 21st century. Products like the Hydraulic DeBunger(tm) - for the turd that won't give up..."

• What is the strangest toilet you have ever used?

• Where is the most unusual place you have had an 'al fresco' crap?

• When having a crap, what kind of splash sound do you find most worrying?

• Have you ever deliberately destroyed a toilet?

We thank you for your assistance. Colonic Industries(tm). We push harder so you don't have to...

"Roy Batty" schreef in bericht news:bla82v$q0$[email]...

toilet.

won't

ROTFL! Pure genius!

You are a genius, Mr. Batty! I propose a merger between Technological Universal Research and Development (TURD on Nutsaq and on the American Stock Exchange) and Colonic Industries. While the two companies could still maintain their respective names, think of the benefit to mankind's pooping needs that could be had with T.U.R.D. performing the product research and development (ideas such as the Uncloggable Toilet, the No-BackSplash Toilet and the Mr. T's Head Toilet are on the drawing board), while Colonic focuses on the marketing and manufacture, and distrubution of our turd-related products. We would be an unstoppable force in the Turd industry!

Kitty litter box.

See above.

worrying?

All poop induced splash sounds are as soothing as the sound of a waterfall, satisfying, not worrysome.

Yes. True story, when I was like 10 or so my parents had to put in a new toilet, so the old one was put out to the curb. My friends and I carried it into the woods nearby and destroyed it with a sledgehammer.

That slogan rules!

It's a good idea, although I'd hold fire for a while. A few months ago someone suggested I appoint some non-executive directors to help run the company while I'm detained by monkey spanking or a having a poop. So I picked up the phoned and hired some people...

CEO                        Kenneth Lay
Financial Director     Michael Milken
Pension Manager     Martin Frankel
Personnel                David Berkowitz

The last guy was funny, he kept saying he was the son of Sam. Maybe I should give Sam a job too.

Since then Colonic Industries have been raided by several regulatory bodies. I told them I don't need regulating as I poop like clockwork at 9.15 and 21.55. Still, our important research into our NASA zero-gravity toilet is being hampered by our learned scientests being 'probed' by G-men with rubber gloves.

You can't be too careful with your TURDstock.

Thankyou, drive through...

I used one in an old peoples' home. It was like a cross between a toilet and the parallel bars. When I finished I pulled the 'assistance cord' instead of the chain by mistake to FLUSH. Nobody came to 'assist' me so I expect lots of old people drowned in that toilet...

A cold, wet, uncomfortable army training ground. I was not pooping under fire though...

worrying?

Silence. It means my turd has hit rock bottom, stopped and furthur turd expulsion is just backing up towards me. I then know I have a monster turd that will be hard to sink than the Bismark.

No. I've smashed cars and TV sets but some things are sacred.

One that was out in the middle of the lake on a floating porta potty. I might ass well just pooped of the side of the boat. And instead of having a flushing mechanism it just opened the bottom of the toilet and let your turds float free. Needless to say I didn't swim in the water after that.

In the great Alfresco.

The splattering kind...but that's really more of a feeling than a sound.

No but I hope to one day. You just can't give up hope.

My ass thanks you for your 'sistance too.

~Jeni

What lake is this? Are you solely responsible for the great turd blight of Lake Titikaka? And why are Greenpeace and Friends of the Earth camped outside your door?

Is this some kind of coffee bar? Did they ask you to leave?

I feel I have opened a whole can of worms here... Besides which, just because the subject mentions turds, toilets or nachos, you can still talk frankly and honestly about your thingies. For example, when you're on the toilet, looking down to 'monitor the situation', do they get in the way?

Thankyou, drive through...

"Roy Batty" wrote in message news:...

I'd love to tell you butt if I did Greenpeace would have the last piece of evidence they'd need to throw my ass in the slammer. No nice toilets there...

Where is the most unusual place you have had an 'al fresco' crap?

Yes! I mean, really, a person takes a dump in the middle of their outdoor cafe and all of a sudden it's "health code violation" this and "get out" that. C'mon it was OUTSIDE for god sakes.

Worms! You saying I got worms?!

All the damn time! Very insightful of you. That's why I like talking to you, you're in touch with your feminine side - you ain't a queer or anything, are you?

[Ahem] I hope you're not getting onto the british=gay thing, I don't think your average hobo-sex-urinal is interested in thingies. I mean it's not like I ask you about foundation, mascara or curtain fabrics... I just have a thousand and one questions about your thingies.

So quit asking if I'm gay. It makes me wonder if you're a 26 stone lorry driver from Louisiana or something, 'actively recruiting;'... [echoing sound of 'duelling banjoes'] And I'm not in touch with my feminine side. My man-boobs just don't make the grade.

Thankyou, drive through...

sound

If I had a feminine side, I'd probably be touching it all the time.

You're british too... (kidding) No, I don't think you're gay. I didn't even realized I asked you more than once, that's funny. I'm just an assholic fag hag from Californication. At least I would be if I knew any that would let me hang out with them.

BTW, what grade ARE your man boobs? Maybe we can swap surveys.

~Jeni

"Jeni" wrote in message news:[email]...

A thingie survey is a good idea but manboob's ought not to apply. I'm sure that even Cyberbutt's legendary hooters just don't have the bounce, giggle and all round BBBBOOOOIIIINNNNGGGG of the real thing.

But as I have said countless times before, we are interested in anything you have to say about your thingies. It may seem irrelevant or insignificant but it might mean the world to us...

Thankyou, drive through...

"Jeni" wrote in message news:[email]...

Post photos, don't leave your homies out of this. Or, Whamee can just post hers, that would be ok too.

post

I once saw a home shopping advert for 'profiles', plastic shapes for a woman to stick down her shirt 'to give her confidence in business and social enviroments'. To get me up to Cyberbutt proportions, this is the sort of thing I need. I am almost as flat as Gwen Stefani.

There will be no photos. I think people are just recovering from the words of Uncle Milty to suffer something like that...

Thankyou, drive through...

Don't say that until AFTER Whamee posts her boob photos! DAMMIT, ROY, YOU RUIN EVERYTHING!!!

She doesn't even want to talk about her boobs let alone send a picture, instead she seems interested in finding gay men!!! I think she should give us a picture just to reassure us she isn't a 26 stone banjo playing, tobacco chewing lorry driver from Louisiana. With a real pretty mouth.

Besides which we still haven't had pictures of Cyberbutts legendary funbags...

Thankyou, drive through...

"Hey, wait a minute...what's going on? meheh" What's with all this talk about nads and man-boobs here? Highly disturbing, IMO! Cut it OUT, you buttmunches!!!! ;-O

Touchy subject? 'Hey beavis, this chick is flat...'

Thankyou, drive through...