Beavis and Butt-Head
in
"Atomic Butt Blast"
by
Christopher E. FormanScene 1: The Highland High cafeteria. Beavis and Butt-Head enter, laughing
-------- as always. They pick up trays from the cart and look at the board
with today's menu on it. The words "Mexican Day" are above
pictures of tacos, burritos, etc.Butt-Head: Yes! Huh-huh. Mexican Day kicks ass! Huh-huh huh huh.
Beavis: Yeah, heh-heh! Heh-heh hehheh eh-hehheh. (In seizure mode.)
Grandeporquecomoestaustednicaraguatacosnachosburritosguacamole
titicacachimichangasspaghettiraviolifettucinibonnaducci--(Butt-Head whacks Beavis across the head with his tray.)
Butt-Head: Shut up, dumbass. Uh huh-huh. Let's like, get in line or something, before all the good stuff's gone. Huh huh-huh.
(Laughing, yhey walk to the front of the line, Beavis following Butt-Head, who pushes in front of Stewart, who doesn't do anything 'cause he's a wuss.)
Butt-Head: Cool! They put extra refried beans in 'em this time! Uh huh huh huh uh huh. Beavis: Yeah, heh-heh, reFIREd beans rule! Eh-heh hehheh heh.
(Beavis grabs a couple tacos, while Butt-Head piles his plate high with eight burritos, leaving only a couple. The cafeteria worker glares at him. Butt-Head starts walking toward the tables, eating his burritos as he goes. One of them falls off his plate onto the floor. Beavis bends over to pick it up, but before he can do so, Martin (the fat kid), walks by from the other direction and steps on it. Still, Beavis picks it up and puts it on his plate, then hurries to catch up to Butt-Head, who doesn't wait for him.)
[INSERT VIDEO CLIP #1 HERE]
Scene 2: Mr. Buzzcut's class, after lunch. Beavis and Butt-Head are sitting
-------- in the back, paying absolutely no attention. Buzzcut finishes
writing the word "cholesterol" on the chalkboard, and turns to face
the class.Buzzcut: ALL RIGHT, PEOPLE. OUR TOPIC FOR TODAY'S LESSON IS CHOLESTEROL,
A SUBJECT THAT SHOULD BE EXTREMELY RELEVANT TO ALL OF YOU, SINCE
IT'S THE PRIMARY REASON MOST OF YOU WILL BE UNDERGOING QUADRUPLE
BYPASS SURGERY BY THE TIME YOU'RE 25, PROVIDED THAT YOU LIVE THAT
LONG IN THE FIRST PLACE!!(As Buzzcut continues talking, we focus on Beavis and Butt-Head in the back, although Buzzcut's voice is still audible.)
(Butt-Head's eyes grow wide as he | Buzzcut: NOW, CHOLESTEROL IS
feels a fart coming.) | FOUND IN MUCH OF THE
| FOOD WE EAT! SUCH AS
Butt-Head: Whoa! (Turns to Beavis, | MEAT, EGGS, AND PAR-
holding out his finger.) | TICULARLY GREASE FROM
Hey, Beavis, pull my finger. | ANIMAL FAT! AND CHOL-
Beavis: Uh-uh. Heh heh heh. | ESTEROL CAN LEAD TO
Butt-Head: C'mon, pull it, dude! | ABNORMAL THICKENING AND
| A LOSS OF ELASTICITY IN
(Beavis does. Nothing.) | THE WALLS OF YOUR AR-
| TERIES! THAT IS WHY
Beavis: Ummm...SBD? Heh-heh. | YOU SHOULD NOT BE EATING
Butt-Head: (Straining to push the fart | ALL THAT FRIED CRAP! IT
out.) Uh!! No, it just | WILL KILL YOU! IT WILL
won't come out. Huh-huh. | CUT OFF THE BLOOD SUPPLY
Uh!! Uhh!! | TO YOUR BRAIN AND YOU
Beavis: M-hehheh. Is it a big one? | WILL HAVE A STROKE AND
Butt-Head: Uh!! Yeah, huh huh. Must | DIE!! THE ONLY ONES
be from all that Mexican | HERE WHO WOULD NOT BE
stuff at lunch. Huh-huh. | AFFECTED BY A LOSS OF
Beavis: Heh-heh, cool. Farts are cool! | BLOOD GETTING TO THEIR
Butt-Head: Yeah, huh uh huh. "Cut the | BRAINS ARE, OF COURSE,
cheese." Huh-huh. | OUR FRIENDS BEAVIS AND
Beavis: M-heh. "Break wind." Heh-heh. | BUTT-HEAD! (Buzzcut
Butt-Head: "Crack a rat." Uh-huhhuh. | notices them talking.)(Buzzcut approaches them.)
Buzzcut: AND WHAT ARE OUR FRIENDS BEAVIS AND BUTT-HEAD UP TO NOW?! (Glares
at Beavis, who is still holding onto Butt-Head's finger.) PERHAPS
YOU GENTLEMEN WOULD LIKE TO SHARE YOUR CONVERSATION, AND EXPLAIN
THE MEANING OF YOUR LITTLE TOUCHY-FEELY GAME TO THE REST OF THE
CLASS!!!
Beavis: (Lets go of Butt-Head's finger.) Ummm...Butt-Head like, ate seven
burritos for lunch, heh-hehheh. With extra refired beans. Heh-heh.
Butt-Head: Yeah, huh-huh. Now I have to fart! Uh huh-huh huh uh-huh.
Beavis: Yeah, heh-heh. "Blow a gas-ket." Eh-heh heh-m heh.
Butt-Head: "Let one rip." Huh huh uh huh-huhhuh.
Beavis: Eh-hehheh m heh. "Squeak a breeze."
Butt-Head: Uh huh-huh uh huh. "Step on a duck." Huh-huh.
Beavis: Heh-heh. "Pass gas out your ass!" M-hehheh m-eh-heh hehheh-heh.
Butt-Head: Huh huh huh. "Unleash an atomic butt blast!" Uh huh-huh huh.
(His eyes grow wide as he feels the fart returning; extends his
finger to Buzzcut.) Quick, pull my finger, sir. Uh huh-huh.
Buzzcut: DAMMIT BOY, DON'T YOU DARE GO FOULING UP THE AIR IN MY CLASSROOM
WITH YOUR FLATULENCE!!
Butt-Head: Uhhh...what?
Buzzcut: GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE, HAUL YOUR ASS DOWN TO THE LITTLE BOYS'
ROOM, AND DON'T COME BACK 'TILL YOU'RE DONE!!(Butt-Head gets up and leaves. Buzzcut leans over and sniffs the air around Beavis, then draws back, wrinkling his nose.)
Buzzcut: DAMMIT, WHAT DID I JUST TELL YOU?!
Beavis: But, ummm, I didn't fart, sir. Heh eh-heh heh heh. (Sniffs
himself.) Oh. Heh-heh. Oh yeah. I forgot to take a bath last
week. Heh-heh. (Slightly apologetic.) Sorry 'bout that. Hehheh.
Buzzcut: GET OUT!! NOW!!!(Beavis leaves.)
[INSERT COMMERCIAL BREAK HERE]
Scene 3: The boys' bathroom. Butt-Head is sitting down in one of the stalls, -------- and we see his feet from under the door, shorts around his ankles. Beavis is standing outside the stall, picking his nose.
Butt-Head: (Straining, trying to push his fart out.) Uh!! UHH!! Dammit,
Beavis, it won't come out!
Beavis: Ummm...Did you try using manners? Heh-hehheh heh.
Butt-Head: Uhh! Yeah. Huh-huh. But it's like, stuck, or something. And
it's starting to like, hurt and stuff. Huh huh huh.(Beavis looks around, spots a pencil lying on the floor. Turns around and picks it up, then kneels and reaches under the door to hand it to Butt- Head.)
Beavis: Umm...here, try this. Heh-heh. Like, stick it up your butt to try to like, get the fart loose. Heh-heh heh. Butt-Head: Uhh...okay. (Takes the pencil. Beavis stands up.) Uh!! Uhh!! Beavis: (Laughing to himself.) Eh-heh hehheh-m heh hehheh. "Loose." Butt-Head: Uhh! UH!! It's not working, butt-munch!
(Butt-Head tosses the pencil back over the tope of the stall. Beavis picks it up and starts chewing on the eraser.)
Beavis: So like, uhh, what now?
Butt-Head: Uhh...go to the nurse's office and see if they have any of that
stuff that makes you like, take a dump. Uh huh-huh. And like,
hurry up. It's really starting to hurt. Huh huh-uh huh.(Beavis leaves. Show a screen with the words "Three Hours Later..." Then back to the bathroom. Beavis enters, holding a large bottle of laxative in one hand.)
Butt-Head: What took you so long, dillweed? Beavis: Ummm... (Just a hint of embarrassment.) I got lost, heh-heh.
(Beavis goes to the stall, kneels down, passes the bottle of laxative under.)
Butt-Head: Uh huh huhhuh uh huh. Hey, this is empty, dumbass!
Beavis: Oh. Oh yeah, heh-heh. I like, forgot and drank it all on the way
back. Heh heh-m hehheh heh. (Suddenly, he realizes something.)
Ummmm... (Hurries into the next stall, closes the door, pulls down
his pants.) Eww! Diarrhea! Hehheh-heh.[INSERT VIDEO CLIP #2 HERE]
Scene 4: At the house. Butt-Head is on the floor, cringing in pain. Beavis -------- is sitting in the middle of the couch. Close-up of a commercial on the TV.
Guy in commercial: Don't you hate it when you get gas pain? Doesn't the
awful searing gut-twisting agony of it leave you
sprawled helplessly on the floor, begging for relief?(Back to shot of Beavis and Butt-Head.)
Butt-Head: (Moaning in agony, clutching his lower abdomen.) Uh...uuuhhh... This sucks...uhhh... Beavis: Shut up, ass-munch! I'm trying to like, watch TV! Heh-heh hehheh.
(Butt-Head moans some more. Beavis glances down at him briefly.)
Beavis: Whoa! You're like, in pain and stuff. Heh hehheh heh, cool!
(A thought balloon appears beside Beavis. A light bulb inside flickers, goes out, comes on again, flickers some more, goes out, flickers on again, and stays on. The balloon disappears in a puff of smoke.)
Beavis: Heh heh, now's my chance to kick your ass!
(Beavis stands up and starts kicking Butt-Head in the head, then in the stomach. Butt-Head groans in pain.)
Beavis: Heh-heh, this is cool!
(Then Beavis starts kicking Butt-Head's butt. Slow down for dramatic effect. On the fourth kick, there is the sound of a fart in slow-mo. Cut to an exterior overhead shot of the house. Yellow fog streams out the windows, the chimney, and under the front door. Close-up of the back door as Butt- Head crawls out, followed by Beavis. They're both coughing and gasping for fresh air. They stagger to their feet, then collapse beside the garbage cans. A dead bird falls from the roof and hits Beavis on the head.)
Butt-Head: (Still choking.) Whoa! That was COOL!! Huh-huh. Beavis: Yeah, heh-heh. (Coughs.) That was an mega-fart! Eh-hehheh. Butt-Head: Huh-uh huh huhhuh uh huh. That was an uncorked symphony! Beavis: Ehheh heh heh. That was a Mighty Morphin' Power Rauncher! Hehheh. Butt-Head: That was an atomic butt blast! Uh huh huh-huh uh huh huh. Beavis: Yeah, heh heh-eh heh heh m heh-heh hehheh ehheh.
(Another dead bird drops from above. Beavis and Butt-Head continue laughing as the closing music plays.)
[INSERT VIDEO CLIP #3 HERE]
THE END