The Book of Beavis
In the beginning there was nothing but void and darkness. Then there was Beavis, a miracle unto itself. Yea, Beavis spake, and thus entered Butthead. This occurred on the first day. And Beavis spake once more, and said, "O Butthead: What is on TV?" Then Butthead answered, and said, "I know not: let us delve into this most secret mystery." Upon thus saying, Butthead turned on the TV, and it was good. This occurred on the second day. Beavis grew discontent, and spake unto Butthead, "Verily I say unto thee, thou shouldst endeavor to change the channel." And it was so. Then it occurred unto Beavis and Butthead that there were a multitude of channels for their viewing, and yea, they waxed greatly content. This occurred on the third day. It was not long afterward that Beavis and Butthead became an hungered; for lo! they were most mightily famished. Beavis spake unto Butthead and said, "Butthead, it is nay meet for us to grow an hungered and without sustenance. Let us therefore partake of some food. What dost thine heart desire?" Butthead truly pondered the idea, and spake thus: "O Beavis, it would be most advantageous if we were to indulge in the forbidden pleasures of Nachos; for verily, they are the food of the Gods!" And it was so: the two of them partook of Nachos, and it was good. Then dawned the fourth day. Having received vitality and after being refreshed by their food, they felt an emotion the likes of which had never been felt before; nay, it was unlike any other sensation, and was most peculiar. Butthead boldly questioned Beavis, saying, "O Nobly Born Beavis, I am under the influence of an impression most instinctual, the roots of which are buried deeply unto this mine being: speak thou, and inform me of this source of confusion." Beavis understood, and speaking from his state of Enlightenment, said unto Butthead, "Thou hast spoken truth: this impression thou art under is that which compelleth man to venture forth from his father's home and seek to unite his soul with that of another. Yea, for verily I say unto thee, unless we greatly sharpen our wits and comprehend the procedures for finding success in this endeavor, we shall never meet those of the fairer sex, and never shall our instinctual compulsions be quelled. For lo! They are as crafty serpents, secretly desiring our most ungraceful downfall." Thus began they to formulate their stratagems for ensnaring a favorable mate by which they may procreate in the future. And this was not so good. Thus was the fifth day. Beavis and Butthead, thus becoming certain of their success, went out from their habitation into the city, and they found a certain woman standing by a well. Butthead spake thus unto her: "O thou Woman most Fair! Thou hast the desire to come to Butthead, and unite with him in relations most carnal. For I say unto thee, I desire to see thy thingies, and it would be cool," for Butthead, by reason of his imperfect creation, did not see his flawed approach. The woman replied, and said unto him, "Thou wretched knave! How darest thou look upon me as thine equal! To hell with thee, and because of thine words, I strike thee in retribution most vengeful!" And thus Butthead was struck; and yea, he is to expect many more in the future because of his faulty intelligence. Thus ended the sixth day. Beavis pondered and recalled the week's events and all that they had done, and he proclaimed solemnly: "Hearken unto my words, Butthead: for we have done much this week, though we have learned little. Let us proclaim this day as a cessation of all of our work, so that we may rest as we see fit." It was good in the eyes of Butthead, and he agreed. They retired to their couch and slept peacefully, dreaming of things which they had yet to attain. And the seventh day ended, and in this manner did Beavis and Butthead bring all things into existence by their words and actions. Let the wise turn their eyes unto these the lessons of the Most Noble Beavis, and Butthead, so that they may advance their wisdom, and teach the foolish the good ways of the Two Nobly Born Ones whose example serves as a shining light unto all men of the earth.