to talking to chicks. Get a puppy. Dudes, I took this puppy to the park today and like, every chick was coming up to me saying how cute and stuff like that...it ruled...some of them wanted me, but, you know, I'm waiting for something better......but like, I just learned the true secret....small cute puppys are the true secret for meeting chicks. Now that I kicked some serious mackin knowledge on dat azz, you guys can send me some nachos, edge, dimes, or whatever.
I have learned *The Secret*...
Dec 30, 2002, 6:35 PM ET51 posts by 14 postersalt.tv.beavis-n-butthead
51 posts
Woa.. thats 2 things I've learnt today. Whenever chix see babies or animals they always say 'aauuuuh its cute' I prefer seeing road kill... There was a pic recently in the paper here in the UK of a dead Badger in the road.. the guys who were painting the white lines painted right over it! Those guys were cool! I'll scan it and post it up if you like :-) Danger:- You can get arrested for offering to show girls your puppy.
"KingTurd" wrote in message news:AG4Q9.23216$[email]...
secret....small
some
edge,
animals they always say 'aauuuuh its cute'
Yeah, like that guy with the long hair and leather jacket with that dog, who gets the chicks - you want to be in his gang but you're not cool enough or something.
Me neither.
RMC
Yeah..but his dog is now dead huhuhuh.. And he AND YOU wore Suits & Bow Ties to his wedding. You SURE you like chicks? I stuck by my prince-pulls and didn't go.
"RMC" wrote
who
Yeah, but he's got another dog. And another chick. He knows how to talk to them, and stuff. That's why he's suck sex full or something.
That's why you can't stand him.
or
Get out of my dreams and into my car or something
or something.
sm00th operator. We got beards.
On Tue, 31 Dec 2002 00:34:44 GMT, "DIABOLIC" <d i a b o l i c @ m a i l . u s a . c o m> wrote:
What episode was all that in?
;-)
On Tue, 31 Dec 2002 00:27:47 GMT, "DIABOLIC" <d i a b o l i c @ m a i l . u s a . c o m> wrote:
What is a badger anyway? Is that like a giraffe?
If you cut a giraffes neck off, glued the head to the body and painted it all black and white it would be cool.
"DIABOLIC" <d i a b o l i c @ m a i l . u s a . c o m> wrote in message news:PMlQ9.9269$[email]...
That would be cool, like one of those zee-bra things. I once did that with a fly. I pulled off his wings and put them is its butt. And painted him orange. Then I torched him with a can of WD-40 and a lighter. It was cool.
Speaking of cool things to do with flies.... I had this URL (which worked for years, but is sadly gone now). some dude took a balsa-wood plane ant he glued 4 live flies to the wings by their feet (eheheh...like engines or something). Naturally, the flies were all upset ant stuff so they tried to fly away....but that made the whole plane fly. eheheheheh ;-P
On Wed, 01 Jan 2003 15:28:21 GMT, Argy wrote:
Contacting SPCA!
;-)
On Wed, 01 Jan 2003 15:28:21 GMT, Argy wrote:
It isn't the same page, sir, but you can look at: flypower.com There are many flies there. Thank you drive thru.
On Tue, 31 Dec 2002 18:57:51 GMT, "DIABOLIC" <d i a b o l i c @ m a i l . u s a . c o m> wrote:
Whoa, cool! Now all I need is one giraffe.
Yeah, yeah, it looks easy and stuff, but then you have to say something else to them and it's real hard and stuff. ("Hard.") Like, you say, "So...are are you into...stuff?" and then they go away. It sucks! Sucks! Agh!
it ruled...some of them wanted me, but, you know, I'm waiting
Is that the shaving gel Edge? Whoa, that's pretty cool. I heard the 'tussin can get you a buzz, but this sounds as cheap as, like, toads.
wrote
else
If you're gonna walk the walk you gotta talk or something.
<> Is that the shaving gel Edge? Whoa, that's pretty cool. I heard the 'tussin
Yeah, exactly, you spray it into little green gel-lines then sniff it. Not as good as toads though.
On Mon, 30 Dec 2002 18:35:54 -0500, "KingTurd" wrote:
Cool! I'm emailing you a case of sour cream and salsa pork rinds.
CB
On Mon, 30 Dec 2002 21:41:30 -0500, CyberButt wrote:
This dude was telling me that pork rinds are really made of goat nads.
On Tue, 31 Dec 2002 12:20:09 -0500, Ralph the Rover wrote:
You say that as if it was a bad thing.
On Tue, 31 Dec 2002 15:00:44 -0500, CyberButt wrote:
Maybe it's a bad thong!
On Mon, 30 Dec 2002 18:35:54 -0500, "KingTurd" wrote:
That rules KT, good thing you got a lab and not one of those gay breeds like a dalmation or a french poodle.
On Tue, 31 Dec 2002 09:04:12 -0500, CyberButt wrote:
I heard you can get a mannequin of a warthog, life size!
"You just sank my boner into the ground"
On Tue, 31 Dec 2002 19:48:58 GMT, "DIABOLIC" <d i a b o l i c @ m a i l . u s a . c o m> wrote:
Oh darn, sorry about that!
On Tue, 31 Dec 2002 12:20:10 -0500, Ralph the Rover wrote:
BOI-OI-OI-NNGGG!!!!!!!!
On Tue, 31 Dec 2002 15:01:16 -0500, CyberButt wrote:
Whatever turns you on, Mr. Butt!
On Mon, 30 Dec 2002 18:35:54 -0500, "KingTurd" wrote:
Whoa, that's cool it worked! I'll try it with one of those robot doggies from Toys'be'Us, to get, like, chicks with money and stuff.
Just be sure you tell your puppy first, 'CHICK magnet, not TICK magnet!'"
On Tue, 31 Dec 2002 18:38:48 GMT, "D.G. Porter" wrote:
Whoa! It's D.G. Porter!
Long time. Howzitgoin dude??
CB
Cool! I got work, I got a little money, so things are lookin' better!
On Thu, 02 Jan 2003 15:20:35 GMT, "D.G. Porter" wrote:
That rules! Um, Mr. Porter, sir, you don't know me, butt I just want to say that the other day, I was washing dishes and all of a sudden i yelled "IF HE CUTS A GRUMBLER I'M DONE FOR!!" hehe that quote was from one of your great stories, and it appears to be permanently stuck in my brain. So uh, thanks!
I stole that line from an old (well, '70s) underground comic about two mice. After getting chased by the cat and making it safely into their hole, they want to get stoned. So they visit seveal apartments. But the hippes are out of weed, the gay guys used up all their poppers (amyl nitrate), so on and so forth, and finally they come across the fat lady who has opium suppositories. But before they can get it, she shoves it up her ass. So they wait until she goes to sleep and they prop her up and start working on blasting it out. One of them dons a gas mask and descends into her butt--and the other one warns him, Careful! If she cuts a grumbler you're done for!"
It ends with them successfully blasting (literally, with an explosive) the thing out of her butt. They grab the supository, the building super runs in, and she thinks he did it, so she chases him with a skillet with smoke belching from her smoldering ass. But they can't smoke the thing as they'd hoped -- it has this chemical in it. So one mouse shoves it partly up his butt (it's as big as he is) and the other one readies himself with a huge hammer to nail it up the other one's butt.
Ah yes, the Elder Days... Reminds me of the R. Crumb comic whe he crawls up a big girl's vagina and pokes his head out looking at the world...
Dude, you guys had cool comics where ever the hell youre at...I got stuck with that Superman crap...
On Sat, 4 Jan 2003 18:59:15 -0500, "KingTurd" wrote:
Oh yeh that.. "Man in Tights" dude.
:-O
On Sat, 4 Jan 2003 18:59:15 -0500, "KingTurd" wrote:
Once when I was a kid or something I went to this record store in the city, in a grimy basement, it was all dark and scary, they had all those underground comics for like a dollar, so I got one (since all I had was a dollar) and it RULED! Then tragically I lost it or something.
"Ralph the Rover" wrote in message news:[email]...
You should have bought nachos instead. Then just stole the comic book. Was it the one about some mouse reaching up some fat chicks butt for drugs like DG's book? Thats a cool book. Like, I could come up with stuff like that. Then I'd be rich, and have money, chicks, respect, money, and more chicks. I'm going to get started now. Any ideas? I was thinking about a book about illegal aliens abducting people and doing ex-spearmints on them.
On Sun, 5 Jan 2003 13:05:16 -0500, "KingTurd" wrote:
I saw this one, there was this chick about 50 feet tall, and she had three boobs, and she destroyed the city and stuff!
Heh, my teacher confiscated my Batman comics in 4th grade. Oh man, I have "Furry Freak Brothers," "Wonder Warthog," S. Clay Wilson stuff ("Checkered Demon," "Ruby the Dyke Meets Weedman"), lots of R. Crumb, "Arcade" comix, "Zippy," "Binky Brown Meets the Holy Virgin Mary" (I corresponded with Justin Greene at one time), "Snatch," "Anarchy," "Yellow Dog," "Snappy Sammy Smoot," all kinds of shit.
Heh, here's some samples of stuff I've used on Usenent so put on disk... Kind mild tho'...
Sammy Smoot is watching his TeeVee when...
"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN -- THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES!"
"Love is hate! War is peace! Chickens are frogs!"
Why, that man is GENIUNELY CRAZY! Not that that's UNUSUAL in Presidents... It's kid of ENDEARING really... Like LBJ...
Special interests being served... Espionage and sabotage on th' HIGHEST NATIONAL LEVEL... All cloaked behind th' thin fabric of POLITICAL EXPEDIENCE!
I actually detect A BIAS in th' media...
History books are half-truths and glorification of the corruption of power! The reality of our national spirit is and has been nothing more than racism, sexism, exploitation and genocide!
Religious prophets from th' Illuminati to Billy Graham preach impending apocalypse! ("Snakes are ducks!")
POLITICAL ASSASINATIONS have become more common than GENERAL ELECTIONS!
("DEATH TO THE TYRANT!" <Bloop!> "Yeek!" "Good Lord, BOB HOPE has been shot by a GIANT CHICKEN! Obviously a plot to DISCREDIT TH' MOVEMENT!")
Liberals are PATRONIZING EGOMANICAS... And conservatives are VICIOUS POWERBROKERS!
Where is it all going?? ...And what hope is there for the CONCERNED CITIZEN?
Pardon me, sir... [approaches a hard-hatted man] "Wha?..." Perhaps you have some SPECIAL INSIGHT that eludes even MY keen intellect... And why has PATRIOTISM become pablum packaged and sold like so much Campbell's soup?
"IT ALWAYS HAS BEEN AN' IT AIN'T NEVER GONNA BE NUTTIN' ELSE BUT A M E R I C A , BUB!"
Gosh... I never tho't of that...
[end] Time for some entertainment I guess...
AND NOW...
*SUPER SAMMY SMOOT BATTLES TO THE DEATH WITH THE IRRATIONAL SHITHEAD!* by Skip Williamson
[Scene: The Irrational Shithead is atomizing people.]
<ZAP!> "That makes 4,846... At this rate I'll have the entire Human Race obliterated in only 14 years!"
Luckily... Justice does not sleep!
<ZAP!> "4,847!" <ZAP!> "4, 848!"
[Super Sammy Smoot arrives on the scene!]
"Why, he can't get away with that around here! Just who do you think you are, Buster?! We have the police to take care of that sort of thing, you know!"
<ZAP!> "4,849!"
"Lissen, Mac! This is a nice little Middle Class community we have here, an' we'd liked t' keep it that way!"
The Criminal Mind, however, is frequently blinded by Nefarious Zeal ...
"Die, Creature of Light! <ZAP!> 4,850!"
"Why... that fiend has just snuffed out th' lights of J. Edgar Hanrahan of th' Bird Police! Why... that's a crime against the state!"
... The Consequences of which oft times prove terrible!
"Who's next!?"
"YOU CRETINOUS FOOL! DON'T YOU REALIZE THAT YOU TOY WITH TOTAL ANNIHILATION?!"
<ZAP!> "4,851!"
"Prepare to die, Spawn of Chaos! I hardly feel it necessary to inform you that I am invulnerable to any harm!"
"I too cannot be harmed!" <ZAP!>
"But I am more invincible that you!"
"No... I more than you!"
"How can that be? How can you be more than absolute?"
"I have political influence."
"Every responsible citizen knows in his heart that Representative Democracy is above reproach! TAKE THAT for your rude insinuation!" <BASH!> [Buildings collapse.] "This will be a lesson you will carry to your grave!"
"Your mouthed slogans and pitiful gymnastics cannot hope to deal with my ultimate power! TAKE THAT!" <ZAP!> [Earth shatters into fragments.]
"YEEK! The Fabric of Order With Honor cannot be rendered by a second-rate fireworks display! Kiss your ass goodbye, Anarchist Swine!"
However, Nature's Wiring is not prepared to handle such an energy overload ...
FOOM!
... The result is an unfortunate intergalactic short circuit (which says something about excesses of power).
"Hey! Waitaminute! We've destroyed the entire universe!"
"Everything was atomized except for us!"
[Both:] "We're invulnerable!"
"It's all dark!..."
"...And scary!"
"Why... It's just th' same as being dead!"
"Now you've done it, you fool! You Bleeding Hearts make me sick!"
[A fistfight breaks out in The Void.]
CLANG! BONK! BIFF! Etc.
ELEPHANT DOODY By Skip Williamson
<poot>
HOLY COW! SOME ELEPHANT DOODY! ...TASTES TO ME LIKE TUTTI-FRUITTI!
SO SING A SONG 'BOUT ELEPHANT DOODY 'CAUSE IT TASTES LIKE TUTTI-FRUITTI!
GEORGE AN' LESTER, SAM AN' RUDY, SITTING AN' KNITTING A BABY BOOTY, ARE SHAT UPON BY ELEPHANT DOODY!
SAID GEORGE AN' LESTER, SAM AN' RUDY, "TASTES TO US LIKE TUTTI-FRUITTI!"
On Sun, 05 Jan 2003 22:07:26 GMT, "D.G. Porter" wrote:
WHOA!!! It's January 5th, and we get the coolest post of the year!
I LOVE those old "underground comix" from the early 70's. I've got maybe about 10 of them. 3 Freak Brothers, and some "ZAP" comix and a few others. One called, "Jesus Meets the Armed Services".... he's walking down the street and he gets picked up for being a draft-dodging hippie...and they draft him into the army. heheh
Those comics rule....I wish I had bought many more of them now.
On Wed, 08 Jan 2003 16:53:55 GMT, Argy wrote:
I vote we all visit Argy and read his cool comix.
On Thu, 09 Jan 2003 16:09:42 -0500, Ralph the Rover wrote:
And take a dump in his yard.
Be careful, he'll chase you with a shovel. You gotta be quick.
On Sat, 11 Jan 2003 07:21:15 -0500, "KingTurd" wrote:
Did you ever notice how the word "hoe" is inside "shovel"?
"Ralph the Rover" wrote in message news:[email]...
Woah! sh-hoe-vel Garden tools are cool....my favorite garden tool is the chainsaw.
Oh, here's anothe transcript -- this is by Crumb, from late in the Sixties...
"WHITEMAN"
Poor ol' Whiteman is on the verge of a nervous breakdown! He's a real product of The Great Depression!
"I've tried! God knows I've tried!"
Whiteman always keeps hair in place. Whiteman has 'round the clock protection.
"I think a definitely need some kind of TREATMENT!"
[A stately older lady approaches:] "Whiteman!"
"Ah ... ahem ... er ... Madame Too Too! How are you? Heh heh."
"Saw your wife at the dog show!"
[Whiteman closes his eyes and pinches the bridge of his nose:] "Sigh ... It's such an effort being polite anymore! But if I STOP, they'll SEE ... They'll find out ... My real self deep down inside ... The raging LUSTFUL BEAST that craves only ONE THING!"
" S E X ! " ("I'm so virile! I read Playboy! I'm a bad ass!" <slurp> <drool>)
"Got to get a grip on myself! I'm a grown man! An intelligent ADULT! With responsibilities!"
[Big US flag on display in background:] "I'M AN A M E R I C A N !"
[Three fighter-jet planes fly overhead:] "A citizen of The United States!"
[Bumps into another guy:] "A real hard charger! Step aside, buddy!" (<THUD!> "Grr Grunt" "Grrr Grr")
"The man with the Know-how! A citizen on the go!"
"I must maintain this position or all is lost! WHEW! This is hard work! Believe me! I get head-aches! My bowels refuse to function... Guts are on fire... Indigestion... Heartburn... Hey, there's a nice little piece o' talent! If only I had the time I'd..."
"What the Hell's the use... No wonder I'm a nervous wreck! Guess I'll return to my vehicle." <plod plod> "I tried... God knows I tried..."
<ROAR!!!!> <gripe mumble groan>
<HONK BEEP HONK HONK HONK> "@**!!! Caught in a traffic jam! I need a drink!" <HONK HONK>
"Oh no ... Here it comes again... That forbidden passion! Those illicit desires ... only ... choke ... This time it isn't sex!" <HONK HONK>
"This time it's something horrible! Unthinkable! God forgive me ... I want to ... want to ... K I L L ! Destroy Cut Slice Maim!"
Two Hours Later [outside "Bud's Club":]
"I feel better now... Had a few ... Guess I'll head on home now and catch the late news..."
"! -- What's that music? Sounds like a parade but it's so far away..."
[An Uppitty Negroe approaches Whiteman:] "HEY MISTAH! DEY'S A COMIN'!"
[Whiteman turns and runs:] "LEAVE ME ALONE!"
"I can't stand it... What if someone seen me like this? In this state of F E A R !"
[A crowd gathers:] "HAW HAW!" "Lez pull his pants down!" "HAR! Git Whitey!"
"NO! PLEASE! Thin of my DIGNITY! My FAMILY! Help! Police!"
[They pull down his pants:] "HEE HAW!" "HAW HAR!" "HAR HAR!"
[Whiteman kneels in shame, butt-naked before the crowd:] "Oh God I'm so embarrassed!"
"He so em-bare-assed! HAR HAR!"
"HOW COULD THEY DO THIS TO ME... I'm WHITEMAN!"
"Yeah, well, liz'n, bud. You just a NIGGER like evva body else! No more, no less, mutha!"
"But, I..."
"Be cool, dad! Liss'n! Hear dat laughin' and singin' comin' down the street?"
"I don't hear nothin'! Scram!"
"Man, you is jes' plain nasty! C'mon, nigger! Yo' got music in yo' soul! Remember?"
[Whiteman pulls up his pants:] "I don't know what you're talking about!"
"Sho' nuff! He plum fergot! Hee! Hey c'mon! We's all joinin' the parade! Yowsuh! Ah gots happy feet!"
WILL WHITEMAN JOIN THE PARADE?
"Is it too late? Foolish nonsense. Hmm, maybe some other time -I... It seems rather silly. Low class... What's the world coming to? Might be fun..."
OH, EVENTUALLY!
[The End.]
On Sun, 05 Jan 2003 22:10:13 GMT, "D.G. Porter" wrote:
That ruled! Thanks dude.
I saw a prog about that Crumb dude on UK telly years ago .. he rocked!
On Sat, 04 Jan 2003 23:25:29 GMT, "D.G. Porter" wrote:
That RULED! Thanks dude.