Yes, PB appeared to me in a dream and prophesied to me that it was time to bring back FELCHER OF THE WEEK. He said that there was no point coming up with a FELCHER OF THE MONTH for January, because that honor goes to Mark Staloff and Matthew Bruce III of Harvard University. Then he farted and said: "STERCUS LOTIUM FUTUTIO MAMMAE CUNNUS FELLATRIX OEDIPUS. Put it at the bottom of your .sig!"
I woke up. The miasma of methane swirling around my head made me remember PB's command. I laminate [email] for FELCHER OF THE WEEK. Any discussion?
Barry D. Bohn, Esq. Cyberattorney to the Stars! STERCUS LOTIUM FUTUTIO MAMMAE CUNNUS FELLATRIX OEDIPUS!
Barry D. Bohn, Esq. ([email]) wrote:
PRICE LIST OF THE GODS EVERYTHING MUST GO BY 1998!!
The SubGenius Foundation P.O. Box 140306 Dallas, TX 75214
"To Dull The Pain Of Existence In A World Without Slack"
E-Mail: [email] FAX: 214-320-1561
Check out alt.slack, the SubGenius newsgroup on the Internet! SubGenius Web pages: HTTP://www.shadow.net./~bdb http://www.voicenet.com/voicenet/homepages/SirWill1/slack.html Don't be fooled.... all items in this catalog are REAL. Only the descriptions have been changed.
"BOB," I HEAR ya! Here's MY Soul...sign me up now and send me my:
MEMBERSHIP/ORDAINMENT/SUBSCRIPTION - $30 BECOME AN ORDAINED SUBGENIUS MINISTER AND ATTAIN THE SECRETS OF THE WORLD WEIRDO NETWORK!! Read THE STARK FIST OF REMOVAL and learn not only the Word of Dobbs but also ways to contact, buy from, and sell to the incredible (yet real!!) network of SubGenii everywhere. Learn of local revivals, other secret societies, UNUSUAL PRODUCTS. Easy on delicate tissues... no danger of runaway infection. You get: subscription to four STARK FISTs, The Divine Excuse (WHAT OTHER RELIGIONS CHARGE ALL WORLDLY GOODS FOR!!), Doktorate of the Forbidden Sciences, Pamphlets #1 & 2, Catalog, many other suitable-for-framing documents, propaganda flyers, stickers, and a wallet sized, legal MINISTER'S CARD granting you every imaginable right. Without that card you have NO HOPE of Boarding the Escape Vessels of the Sex Goddesses in 1998!! If he hasn't seen your $30, you're still "Pink" to "Bob."
THE SUBGENIUS CATALOG - $1 Much more detailed, much larger selection of tapes, videos, shirts etc. than this list.
SACRED SUBGENIUS BOOKS Profusely illustrated, softbound, published by Simon & Schuster: THE BOOK OF THE SUBGENIUS - $16.50 The CLASSIC that started it all. 200 pages of the UNCUT Word of Dobbs, not for the gullible or faint-hearted; holds all answers to everything, including many you'll wish you'd never learned. Superb marital aid. Encompasses Life of "Bob," his prophecy, entire past and future history of Earth, and all the instructions you'll ever need for survival, Slack, psychic wealth and prosperity in The End Times. Acid-free coating is resistant to normalcy viruses.
REVELATION X - THE "BOB"APOCRYPHON - $16.50 Finally, the long-awaited sequel to The Book of the SubGenius, the Last New Testament, is here! Either the greatest general satire of pure human stupidity and greed ever created, or a self-help book from Hell, REVELATION X is darker, deeper, more detailed, louder and funnier than The Book of the SubGenius. This HUGE tome of PURE DOCTRINAL RANTING and HIGH-POWERED GRAPHICS is so utterly and relentlessly TRUE and SLACK-IMBUED that old-time SubGenii, and newcomers alike, will laugh 'till their guts bleed and befoul their pants in sheer astonishment - and JUST WAIT'LL YOUR PANTS GET A LOAD OF THE LOOK OF THIS THING!! St. Paul Mavrides has done a design job that will have you RIPPING YOUR OWN EYES OUT IN ECSTASY when you grok the THOUSANDS of INCREDIBLY DETAILED ILLUSTRATIONS!!! This heart-stopping new "LOUVRE" of SubGenius art makes THE BOOK OF THE SUBGENIUS look like a JEHOVAH'S WITNESS PAMPHLET or CHRISTIAN COMIC BOOK by comparison! God's Answer to Fundamentalists - Shove this book into ANY orifice and watch it GO!
HIGH WEIRDNESS BY MAIL - $14.50 NYES! A SUBGENIUS LOOK AT KOOKS & RIVAL CULTS!! The nonfiction encyclopedia of abnormality - 300 pages describing the 500 most bizarre fringe groups on Earth, and how to get their stuff for a 29c stamp. High level of sarcasm, cornea-melting illustrations. Covers the sickest and/or best of everything from UFO cults, hate groups, and kooks of every stripe, to the most advanced bizarre art, music, and comix.
3 FISTED TALES OF "BOB" - $13.50 Slack-wrenching short stories about Dobbs by Drs. 4 "Bob," William S. Burroughs, Hal Robins, Robert Anton Wilson, Paul Mavrides, Rev. Ivan Stang, Waves Forest, Dr. Philo Drummond, Lewis Shiner, John Shirley, Pope David Meyer, G. Gordon Gordon, Michael Peppe, Mark Mothersbaugh, Janor Hypercleats and MANY OTHERS.
"BOB's" FAVORITE COMICS - $3.50 Published by Rip-Off Press. With Dobbsful pieces by underground comix heroes Gilbert Shelton, Paul Mavrides, Carol Lay, Robert Williams, Hal Robins, Nenslo, Puzzling Evidence, Hellswami Satellite Weavers, Byron Werner, Jay Kinney.
PAMPHLETS Excellent for airport proselytizing, leaving in friends' houses, bar restrooms, granny's purse, etc. Each is 16 pages. #1: "The World Ends Tomorrow and YOU MAY DIE!" - $1 #2: "ETERNAL SALVATION - Or Triple Your Money Back" - $1
"BOB" BOXER SHORTS - $16 Fine quality boxers with large DobbsHeads - and glow-in-the-dark Anti"Bobs" - instead of polka-dots! Specify Medium, Large or X-Large.
FULL COLOR COTTON T-SHIRTS - $16 3 designs (L or XL): 1. "BOB"/ANTIBOB 2. DINO-RIDING "BOB" 3. ROBO"BOB"
"BOB"-MUG COFFEE MUGS - $8 Classic, high quality ceramic white coffee mug emblazoned with classic DobbsHead.
Lucky DOBBS BUTTON - $1.50 The True Dobbshead on distinguished background. Used since ancient times to repel or attract soul/sex vampires/partners.
"Lick-n-Stick" SOUL-SAVING GUM-BACKED STICKERS $1 Hundreds of $-sucking Church slogans, ads, images and mysterious threats ready to cut apart and stick all over laundromats, subways, envelopes, etc. DRIVE YOUR HOMETOWN INSANE.
BUMPER STICKERS - $1 Sturdy paper day-glo bumperstickers. All show "BOB's" Beaming Presenceship. Choose any of 6 SLOGANS: "TOO MUCH IS ALWAYS BETTER THAN NOT ENOUGH" "GIVE ME SLACK" "PULL THE WOOL OVER YOUR OWN EYES" "BULLDADA" "ACT LIKE A DUMBSHIT AND THEY'LL TREAT YOU AS AN EQUAL" "FUCK 'EM IF THEY CAN'T TAKE A JOKE"
THE MEDIA BARRAGE CASSETTE TAPES - $8.50 each! ALL TAPES are HIGH QUALITY STEREO, in COLOR! Created by hundreds of skilled Sound Doktors, Skull Farmers and Media Adepts. High-paced, frantically over-embel lish ed, dense with startling juxtapositions, documentary/propagandoid Revelations, Trance Re-enactments, music and YOU NAME IT - carefully mixed, warped, synthesized, rerouted and machine-gun edited. A totally new genre. "Truly a sonic assault, a kaleidoscopic re-education camp of SubGenius mythology. The editing is simply astonishing... " - Scott Becker, OPtion Magazine MEDIA BARRAGE 10: "REPENT!" Anti-Conspiracy special... You'll foam at the mouth! MEDIA BARRAGE 11: "SHUT UP, PINK BOY" UFOs, False Jesii, mysticism, Xists, Prescriptures. MEDIA BARRAGE 12: "SLACK!" and THE SHOW Best on Slack, excerpts from SubGenius Radio. MEDIA BARRAGE 0: "WHAT THE HELL?" Purest Churchly Propaganda from a cast of thousands: mad prophets, hell-music bands, radio saboteurs, technowizards, and distinguished Cult Theologians and Head-Launchers. MEDIA BARRAGE 5: "BOB" ATTACK! A treasured all-purpose oldie. Hell-bent ridicule of all rival cults.
THE HOUR OF SLACK RADIO SERIES - only $6.50 each! Now on 17 stations! The Hour of Slack is an incredible compendium of the best and newest from all SubGenius shows, bands, ranters, new Media Bar rages and collage artists. Over 460 1-hour sample tapes of this jam-packed, samurai-edited juggernaut of raw, untamed SLACK are available. When ordering, you can specify various types of subject matter. You want UFOs? Sex? The Beforelife? Anti-Christian? Anti-SubGenius? Christmas? Devival specials? Just ask. BEST OF HOUR OF SLACK - $6.50 A good one to start with - the most requested bits from shows, media barrage tapes, and SubG music tapes. More or less 'explanatory' of the Church basics. "Maybe the most remarkable program on the air in the '80s, the SubGenius Doctors have virtually created a new form of audio entertainment." - Audiodrone
HOTTEST SUBGENIUS MUSIC TAPES!!
"BOB'S" MEDIA POLLUTION - $6.50 60 minutes of the most recent Church
Sacred Music, in all flavors.
THE HAIRS in "BOB'S" EARS - $6.50 Even better than "Bob's" Media
Pollution! Alters conscious lessness. Like our other compilations, this
ranges from sloppy folk to polished MIDI-mixes and ravey beats.
"BOB'S" EARWAX - $6.50 The most famous Hymns, performed by the Top 10
a-music bands, Ranters, Chanters, Bards, Balladeers, Combos, Choirs,
Gospel
Singers and Music Killers. Toe-tappin', finger-snappin', neck-breakin'
GOSP-HELL music.
THE EAR OF "BOB" - $8.50 90 minutes!! "Best of the Old-Time
Bobsongs:" hymns, Mystery Jazz and acid-reggae disco-funk of the Gods.
You'll scream, "MORE, "Bob," MORE!" These beautiful odes to abnormality
and
demented CLASSICS will bless your heart and anoint your Gland.
THE WORD OF "BOB" ON VIDEOTAPE! "ARISE" The SubGenius Video - $19.98 Vividly presents the LIVING SEED-WORD PROPAGANDA of DOBBS, compressed into one eyeball-slamming 80 minute editing tour-de-force that shoots the dogma straight up your optic nerve and deep into your brain. Narrator Dr. Howll takes the initiate on a soul-wrenching journey deep into the very bowels of the Church. Includes "THE LIFE OF "BOB," a perfect introduction to the Church for your illiterate friends. 10,000 collage clips of bizarre Badfilms illustrate the narration - plus ELECTRONIC ANIMATION OF THE GODS, and riveting LIVE devival rants by all-star preachers, with music by DK Jones, Mark Mothersbaugh, Drs. 4 "Bob," Negativland, Slack master Cleve. Rare glimpses of Dobbstown... 'behind the scenes' peeks at SubGenius Radio Doktors in surgery... even captured FBI footage of DOBBS HIMSELF. YOU WILL ACTUALLY WITNESS the astounding, blood-drenched scenes of the ASSAS SINATION OF "BOB!"
OTHER VIDEOS: CLUB NO NEW YEARS DALLAS DEVIVAL - $20 Barrage-edited footage from a spectacular multi-media devival which benefited from a number of new elements: REAR SCREEN VIDEO BARRAGES to go with the preaching, STRIPPER-PREACHERS, and great Head Launching Catapult designs.
"THE MAKING OF MTV/SUBGENIUS" - $20 You'll "LAK TO DIE" when you see Dobbs in a flying saucer, blowing up the MTV building (a pyramid with an eye on it); the stop-motion death in flames of Barbie and Ken; live recreations of two of our book covers; and Dobbs being worshiped by slinky devil-girls in Hell. During the sometimes surreal shooting, we also shot this 40-minute look behind the scenes. SUBGENIUS INTERVIEWS - $20 Video reports on the Church done by Conspiracy news from 1980 to 1993, plus SubGeniuses on SubGenius: Puzzling Evidence & Dr. Howll; Janor at Dokstok; an ARISE-style docu-psychout on the Church by S. Kristensen; Joe Mama's "psuedo-news-report" (depicting the Church as Satanic), more.
PreDobbs STANGFILM - $20 Films done before Ivan Stang found "Bob." Claymation porno, WORLD OF THE FUTURE, a 30-minute travelog about an insanely overpopulated and hideously Pink Dobbsless future; sick animation sequences, sex horror, and offensive concepts... NOT FOR THE KIDS, PLEASE!!! Also,various claymation films, music videos including rare DEVO sequences, MTV/SubGenius, and 20 minutes cut from ARISE. A full 2 hours.
NIGHT OF SLACK devival video - $20 The legendary 1984 San Francisco revival at which "Bob" first 'died.'
THE STARK FIST OF REMOVAL Church Journal - sample issue $5 The only monthly magazine that sometimes goes 2 years between issues. Over 100 pages of CRAM-PACKED BULL SHATTERING: includes hidden facts of the SubGenius, Things to See, Say, and Do, letters from the flock, blistering editorials, detailed instructions for those who follow NO MASTER, amazing comix, Bobly art, and TRUE NEWS of the Cult. NONE AVAILABLE RIGHT NOW (11-94)
OFFICIAL DOBBSHEADx - $1 These classic 8 1/2 X 11 full-face portraits are COMPULSORY. Belongs in every bathroom for higher excremeditation. Relish FOR HOURS the genius ignorancy of "Bob"!! "Hangs onto your brain" like a maddening jingle that won't go away.
Prices include U.S. postage ONLY. For products over $1.50, Canada & Mexico add $3; Overseas add $8. We cannot take checks from foreign (non-U.S.) banks (unless Canadian, in U.S. DOLLARS from American-registered banks.) UnAmerican SubGenii must use international postal money orders! TOTAL ENCLOSED:____________ Make all checks (U.S. banks only) or money orders payable to: SubGenius Foundation Inc. Dealers please inquire about bulk rates. MONEY BACK IF NOT SATISFIED
NAME(s): ADDRESS: CITY-STATE, ZIP: I swear that I am over 18 years of age, and of Yeti descent. The SubGenius Foundation P.O. Box 140306 Dallas, TX 75214 "To Dull The Pain Of Existence In A World Without Slack"
E-Mail: [email]
SubGenius Hotline to "Bob"! 1-900-990-5085 ext. 324,325 Updated each week with a new Conspiracy Hotline and Rant of the Week. $2 a minute, 5 minute maximum. Rants by great SubGenius preachers (Janor Hypercleats, Father Joe Mama, Ivan Stang, Dr. Howll, Pope David Meyer). Under 18 need parent's permission. Touch-tone phone r'q'd. Maximum call, 5 min. Mystery Playhouse, Bradenton FL