Beavis and Butt-Head
in
"Magic"
by
Christopher E. FormanScene 1: Mr. VanDreissen's class. VanDreissen is sitting on the edge of his -------- at the front of the room, and Beavis and Butt-Head are sitting in their desks in the back.
VanDreissen: ...and before we wrap up class today, I'd just like to remind
everyone that we won't be having class this Friday, because
we'll be going to the auditorium for the school variety show.(Show a close-up of Beavis' desk. There is a fly crawling across it.)
Beavis' voice: M-hehheh. Hey, Butt-Head, check out this fly!
Butt-Head: (Turns to look at Beavis.) I don't wanna see your fly, Beavis!
Uh huh-huh huhhuh.
Beavis: Ummm...no, no! Hehheh. I meant like, this fly on my desk!
Heh heh heh. Check it out!(Beavis' hand grabs for the fly, but misses, and it buzzes over and lands on Butt-Head's desk.)
Beavis: Dammit! Missed him! Heh-heh heh. Butt-Head: I'll get him, dude. Huh huh-huh huh.
(Butt-Head tries to catch it, but it darts out of his reach and lands on Beavis' forehead.)
Butt-Head: Don't move, Beavis...
(Butt-Head tries to smash the fly with his fist, but it moves again and he ends up smacking Beavis in the head.)
Beavis: Aaaaaah! Cut it out, butt-hole! Butt-Head: I'm gonna kick this fly's ass! Uh huh-huh huhhuh.
(Back to VanDreissen.)
VanDreissen: I'd also like to mention that it's still not too late to sign
up if you'd like to be in the show. We still have plenty of
room available, and it would be a great opportunity to share
some of your talents with your teachers and classmates. Anyone
interested? Anyone? Come on, don't be shy!...(VanDreissen continues his attempts to pursuade the class. Back to Beavis and Butt-Head, who are still trying to catch the fly. Both of them start grabbing at it as it circles around in the air between their desks.)
VanDreissen: (Thinks they're volunteering.) Well, well. If it isn't Beavis and Butt-Head! I was hoping you two would come forward.
(Beavis and Butt-Head freeze instantly, eyes wide, not having the slightest clue as to what is going on.)
VanDreissen: If you fellows stick around after class, I'd be happy to help you plan an act for the show.
Butt-Head: Uhhhhh...what? Uh huh-huh uhhuh. Beavis: Yeah, yeah, m heh-heh, me too.
[INSERT VIDEO CLIP #1 HERE]
Scene 2: VanDreissen's room, after class. VanDreissen sits at his desk, -------- which has several papers spread across it. Beavis and Butt-Head stand nearby.
VanDreissen: Okay, guys, first thing you need to do is decide what kind of
act you'd like to put on.
Butt-Head: (To Beavis.) Uh huh-huhhuh. He said "put."
Beavis: Hehheh heh heh.
VanDreissen: (Picks up one of the papers.) Here's a list of suggestions.
Let's see...we've got a group doing a song and dance act, and
several people are doing short skits they've written, or you
could do a stand-up comedy routine if you promise to keep all
the humor in good taste.(Beavis and Butt-Head start laughing maniacally here, knowing there is no way they could possibly do that.)
VanDreissen: Wait a minute -- here's an idea! We could have you fellows put
on a magic show!
Butt-Head: Uhhh...magic? Huh-huh.
Beavis: Yeah, m-hehheh heh. Cool! Heh heh.
VanDreissen: (Thinking out loud to himself.) Let's see...I could probably
borrow some props and costumes from the drama club...And I
think the library has a book of simple magic tricks you could
do...Tell you what -- meet me back here after school today, and
we'll pick out some tricks and go over them a few times.
Practice them a few times and you'll have them down perfectly.
Butt-Head: Uhhh...okay. Uh huh-huh.
VanDreissen: (Stands up, picks up papers, turns to leave.) Oh, and by the
way, guys, you're free to be creative and use any of your own
ideas as well. Just remember -- a good magician _never_
reveals the secrets of his magic!(VanDreissen exits the classroom.)
Butt-Head: Uh-huh huh. Magic is cool, huh huh. We'll be like that David Cop-a-feel dude! Huh-huh huhhuh uh huh. Beavis: Yeah, yeah! I bet he gets lotsa chicks! We're gonna score, hehheh.
[INSERT COMMERCIAL BREAK HERE]
Scene 3: The variety show, in the Highland High auditorium. All the seats
-------- are occupied. Onstage, the curtain is closed, and Cassandra is
standing in front of it, behind a podium. When the scene opens, the
audience is applauding. VanDreissen steps onto the stage as the
audience dies down.VanDreissen: Thank you for sharing that lovely poem with us, Cassandra.
(Cassandra steps down from the stage.)
VanDreissen: And now, for our final act of the day, it gives me great
pleasure to present to you, Highland High's Dynamic Duo of
Magic, the Incomparable Beavis and Butt-Head!(Polite but forced applause as VanDreissen leaves the stage. The curtain opens to show Beavis and Butt-Head standing at center. At stage right are a table with a black top hat on it and a prop box. At stage left is a walk-in booth with a door, which is currently closed. Behind Beavis and Butt-Head is a wooden box on a wheeled cart. Beavis and Butt-Head are dressed in their usual manner, but have black capes tucked into the collars of their shirts, hanging down in back. Butt-Head holds a black wand with a white tip. Applause dies down as the curtain opens.)
Butt-Head: Uhhh...like, thank you, or something. Uh huh-huh. Beavis: Yeah, and like, ummm, welcome to our show, and stuff. Eh-hehheh. Butt-Head: Yeah. Huh huh-uh huh huh. I'm Butt-Head, and this is like, my lovely assistant Beavis. Uh-huhhuh huhhuh-huh. Beavis: Shut up, dillweed! Hehheh m heh.
(They cross to stand behind the table.)
Butt-Head: So, uhh...this is like, our first trick. Huh-huh.
(Butt-Head waves the wand over the hat a couple times, reaches into it, pulls out a white rabbit by its hind legs, and drops it on the table. The rabbit jumps off the table and dashes offstage in a frantic attempt to get away from Beavis and Butt-Head. Scattered applause. Close-up of Stewart in the audience, clapping, his eyes wide.)
Stewart: Wow! That was great, guys! Keep it up!
(Back to Beavis and Butt-Head.)
Beavis: Ummm, thanks, hehheh. But it's like, that one was easy! We just put him in there before the show started, hehheh heh.
(Butt-Head jabs Beavis in the eye with the wand.)
Beavis: Aaaaaaaah! (Covers his eye with his hands.) Butt-Head: You're not supposed to tell how we did it, ass-wipe! Huh huhhuh. Beavis: Oh. Hehheh...oh yeah. Heh-m hehheh. Sorry 'bout that. Okay, so like, check this out! Heh-eh heh heh hehheh.
(Beavis reaches down the front of his pants and pulls out a string of colored handkerchiefs. Only a couple of people clap.)
Butt-Head: Uh huhhuh huh-huh uh huh. (To audience.) Beavis is good at
pulling things out of his pants. Huhhuh huh-uhhuh huh. He
practices a lot!
Beavis: Shut up, fartknocker! Hehheh hehheh.
Butt-Head: Uhhuh huh huh. This is pretty cool![INSERT VIDEO CLIP #2 HERE]
Scene 4: Opening shot from the back of the auditorium. A number of the seats
-------- are now empty, indicating people have gotten up and walked out. Now
a close-up of Beavis and Butt-Head onstage. Beavis is still holding
the string of hankies.Butt-Head: Okay, so like, for our next trick, we're gonna need like, a volunteer from the audience. Huhhuh uh huh.
(Close-up of Stewart, raising his hand eagerly.)
Stewart: Me, me! Come on, guys, pick me!
(Back to Butt-Head.)
Butt-Head: Uhh...no, huhhuh. It hasta like, be a chick. Huh-huh. Beavis: Yeah, yeah, hehheh. A chick! With boobs! Mhehheh heh-m eh-heh.
(Cut to audience. Reluctantly, a couple of hands come up. Among them is Gina (the girl they got the dollar from in "Scratch 'n' Win").)
Beavis: (Spots Gina, whispers to Butt-Head.) Mheh heh-heh, hey Butt-Head,
hehheh, pick Gina! Heh-m hehheh m heh. She has big thingies!
Butt-Head: Yeah, huh-huh! (Points to Gina.) Uh...like, come on up here,
ma'am. Huh-huh. (To Beavis.) This is gonna be COOL!
Beavis: Yeah, yeah! M-hehheh heheh m-ehhehheh ehheh-mheh.(Gina steps up onto the stage and stands between the two. Beavis hands one end of the string of hankies to Butt-Head.)
Butt-Head: Okay, huh-huh. We're gonna like, pass this thing through her body, uh huh-huh.
(Gina, familiar with the old trick of having a bra appear in the middle of the string of hankies, realizes what she's gotten herself into.)
Gina: Oh my God... (Reddens, covers her eyes.) Butt-Head: (To Beavis.) Uhh...Hey, Beavis, is that a rabbit in your pocket or are you like, just happy to see her? Uhhuh huh-huh. Beavis: M-hehheh, oh yeah. I have a magic wand in my pants! Hehheh-heh!
(Laughing, Beavis and Butt-Head come forward and prepare to do the trick.)
Butt-Head: Uhh, now to make this work we're gonna hafta like, touch your
boobs for just a minute. Uh-huhhuh huhhuh-uh huh. But it's
like, uhhh, strictly a business function, or something. Huhhuh.
Beavis: Yeah, m-hehheh eh-heh-hehheh, and we're professionals! Hehheh-heh.
So don't try this at home, ehheh-hehheh m-heh!(At this point Gina is really pissed. Beavis and Butt-Head start to stick their hands up the back of Gina's blouse, but she punches Beavis, kicks him in the nads, and knocks him down. She grabs Butt-Head by the hair, and when Beavis stands back up, Gina grabs him with her other hand and cracks their skulls together. They fall down on the stage. All this is accompanied by painful groans by Beavis and Butt-Head, and thundering applause from the crowd. Infuriated, Gina leaves the stage and exits the auditorium.)
Butt-Head: Uh-huhhuh huh-huh, that was cool! Beavis: M-heh, yeah, hehheh. I almost touched her thingies! Heh-heh.
[INSERT COMMERCIAL BREAK HERE]
Scene 5: The auditorium. At this point only about half the seats are -------- occupied. Close-up of Beavis and Butt-Head onstage, standing next to the wooden booth with the door on it.
Butt-Head: Okay, like, now we're gonna need another volunteer, huhhuh.
(No one volunteers.)
Beavis: Ummm...it doesn't hafta be a chick this time. Hehheh heh heh.
(Still no volunteers.)
Butt-Head: Uhhh...it's like, a disappearing trick. Huh-huh huh. And we don't have to touch any boobs for this one. Uhhuh huh huh. Beavis: Yeah, hehheh, or butts! Hehheh ehheh-heh. Or nads!
(Still no one raises a hand.)
Butt-Head: (At a loss for what to do.) Uhhhh...huh-huh...uhh... Beavis: (Starts picking his nose with the magic wand.) Yeah...ummmm...no... uhhhh...hehheh...
(Close-up of Daria in the front row.)
Daria: (Sighs heavily.) Oh, all right, I'll do it. (Stands up and walks
to the stage.)
Beavis and Butt-Head: (Chanting as she approaches.) Diarrhea, cha-cha-cha,
Diarrhea, cha-cha-cha, Diarrhea, cha-cha-cha...
Daria: Oh, grow up, you two! (Sighs again.) So what do I have to do?
Butt-Head: Uhhh...like, get in this thing (indicates booth) and we'll like,
make you disappear, and stuff. Huh-huh.(Daria enters the box and Butt-Head closes it. Beavis starts waving the wand at the box.)
Beavis: Uh, like, agracadabra and, um...hocus-pocus, or something...
(Butt-Head opens the door. Daria is still there. Some boos from audience.)
Butt-Head: You didn't do it right, dumbass! Beavis: Yeah I did! You just didn't close the door right! Hehheh. Butt-Head: Dammit, Beavis. This time let me do it! Beavis: No way, butt-hole! I can do it! Butt-Head: No you can't, you wuss! You already screwed it up once. Huhhuh.
(Butt-Head tries to grab the wand from Beavis, and they get in a fight and start hitting each other. The audience starts cheering as the two fight.)
Butt-Head: Gimme the wand, Beavis! Beavis: No way! It's mine, butt-wipe! Butt-Head: Give it here, dill-weed! Beavis: Get away! I'll shove this up your butt! Hehheh. Butt-Head: I'm gonna kick your ass, Beavis!
(Daria opens the door, peeks out, and sees the two fighting. Shaking her head at their ineptitude, she walks out of the booth and leaves the stage. She exits the auditorium, which is growing more and more empty each time. The door to the booth swings closed. Butt-Head knocks Beavis to the floor, stomps on his nads, and succeeds in grabbing the wand. Beavis clutches his groin and moans in pain as Butt-Head waves the wand at the box.)
Butt-Head: So like, uh...alakazam...agriculture...uhh...yeah, huh-huh. Beavis: (Coughs.) Yeah, hehheh. And work this time, or I'll kick your ass! (Coughs again.)
(Butt-Head opens the door and sees that Daria is gone.)
Butt-Head: Whoa! Hey, Beavis! It like, worked! Huhhuh huh-huh uhhuh. Beavis: M-hehheh m-heh, cool! Butt-Head: Uhhuh huh-huh, let's not bring her back! Huh-huh. Beavis: Yeah, hehheh! (Coughs and sputters from the pain.)
[INSERT VIDEO CLIP #3 HERE]
Scene 6: The auditorium is getting quite empty now. Focus on Beavis and -------- Butt-Head at center stage. The wooden box on the cart, which was originally in the back, has been moved up to the center.
Butt-Head: (Speaking grandly.) And now, for our grand finale, huh-huh, I shall like, attempt to saw my lovely assistant Beavis in half! Beavis: Yeah, hehheh!
(Beavis gets into the cart, and Butt-Head closes it so that all we can see of Beavis are his head and legs.
Butt-Head: Uh-huhhuh, this is gonna be COOL!!
(From behind the box, Butt-Head picks up a chainsaw and pulls the cord to start it. He holds it over the box.)
Beavis: Yeah, yeah, heh-ehheh heh-m-heh...AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!
(Beavis' scream comes when Butt-Head starts sawing. Cut to show the reaction of the audience, which by now consists of only a few people -- Stewart, VanDreissen, Daria, Cassandra, the wuss kid from driver's ed, Earl (who never moves), and possibly a few others. Audience is excited at first, but when Beavis screams their eyes widen in horror. After a few seconds, Butt- Head turns the saw off.)
Butt-Head's voice: WHOA!! Magic kicks ass! That was COOL!! Huhhuh-uhhuh. Beavis' voice: (Gurgling sounds as he tries to talk.)
(Butt-Head starts laughing, and Beavis manages a gurgly laugh too, as the scene fades out.)
[INSERT VIDEO CLIP #4 HERE]
THE END