On Fri, 14 Jan 2000 07:37:24 GMT, [email] (Zuwadzaa, The Toast With The Most!) wrote:
%Error reading device "Heimdall 2000" (A)bort, (R)etry, (F)ail? [ ]
%%On Thu, 13 Jan 2000 23:48:59 GMT, [email] (Zuwadzaa, The Toast With The
%%Most!) wrote:
%%
%%%Error reading device "Heimdall 2000" (A)bort, (R)etry, (F)ail? [ ]
%%%%%In Rec.Outdoors.Fishing.Bass, [email] (MikeDi1123) wrote:
%%%%
%%%%%> I just don't get this nuke axel post
%%%%%>
%%%%%> mike
%%%%
%%%%
%%%%Dear mike
%%%%
%%%%I'd be more than happy to explain the nuke axel post to you for only
%%$4.95
%%%%plus $1.50 shipping and handling.
%%%%
%%%%Please send your check or money order with a SASE to;
%%%%
%%%%NUKE AXEL
%%%%c/o Heimdall 2000
%%%%P.O. Box 1234
%%%%Battle Creek, Mich 00425
%%%%
%%%%Please allow 4-6 weeks for delivery.
%%%%
%%%%Hurry! Quantities are limited so don't delay!
%%%
%%%
%%%Bah. Don't listen to that Heimdall freak. I'll explain the NUKE AXEL
%%thread (a
%%%$4.95 value) PLUS ANY OTHER THREAD OF YOUR CHOICE!
%%%
%%%Then, just when you think you're ready to die happy, just as Usenet
%%%Enlightenment beckons from MERE INCHES AWAY, I'll give you the SHOVE
that
%%sends
%%%you HURTLING INTO THE ABYSS OF PURE GLORY THAT *IS* USENET PERFORMANCE
%%ART.
%%%That's right, folks, you heard it here first. Buy just ONE gen-yew-wine
%%%Zuwaadzaa Thread Explanation, and you'll PIG OUT at an all-you-can-eat
%%BUFFET OF
%%%MEOWY GOODNESS!
%%%
%%%You'll get BIG .SIGS! You'll get CLEVER HAIKU! You'll get HYSTERICAL
%%FLAME
%%%NARRATIVE!
%%%
%%%You'll get JIFFY KLUBBERS, OLIVE LOAVES, ROMULAN SCAT FREAKS and
%%WERE-PONTIACS!
%%%You'll get Wollmann AND Kottmann AND K##G#N!
%%%
%%%You'll get ALL 57 FLAVORS OF RAUOL XEMBLINOSKY and a FREE COPY OF
%%NFILTER!!!
%%%
%%%
%%% _______ _ _ _
%%%|\ /|( ___ )|\ /|( )( \ ( \
%%%( \ / )| ( ) || ) ( ||/ | ( | (
%%% \ (_) / | | | || | | | | | | |
%%% \ / | | | || | | | | | | |
%%% ) ( | | | || | | | | | | |
%%% | | | (___) || (___) | | (____/\| (____/\
%%% \_/ (_______)(_______) (_______/(_______/
%%% _______ _______ _________
%%%( ____ \( ____ \\__ __/
%%%| ( \/| ( \/ ) (
%%%| | | (__ | |
%%%| | ____ | __) | |
%%%| | \_ )| ( | |
%%%| (___) || (____/\ | |
%%%(_______)(_______/ )_(
%%% _______ _________ _______ _ _______ _________ _______ _ _
%%%( ____ \\__ __/( ____ \( \ ( ____ \\__ __/( ____ \( )( )
%%%| ( \/ ) ( | ( \/| ( | ( \/ ) ( | ( \/| || |
%%%| (__ | | | | | | | (__ | | | (_____ | || |
%%%| __) | | | | ____ | | | __) | | (_____ )| || |
%%%| ( | | | | \_ )| | | ( | | ) |(_)(_)
%%%| ) ___) (___| (___) || (____/\| (____/\ | | /\____) | _ _
%%%|/ \_______/(_______)(_______/(_______/ )_( \_______)(_)(_)
%%%
%%%
%%%Not $50. Not $35. EVEN LESS THAN THAT! But read on to find out what
%%ELSE
%%%you'll receive!
%%%
%%%You'll get GERMUGA PERFORMANCE ART, you damn scaramouche jamoke!
%%%
%%%You'll get GILBOT PERFORMANCE ART-AnaLfacE.
%%%
%%%You'll get ONMY PERFORMANCE ART (if yuo steay uot of teh freiy bin!)
%%%
%%%You'll be HUNTED ON THE ASTRAL PLANE by PEOPLE WHO THINK THEY ARE
GOPHERS!
%%%You'll get death threats from REAL LIVE VJIKINGS! You'll get LARTED BY
%%%C*P*T*!!!!
%%%
%%%YOU'LL GET A FISTFUL OF PENIS THAT YOU WON'T SOON FORGET!
%%%
%%%You'll get more FLONK, PLONK, SPNAK and LART than you could shake a
pointy
%%stick
%%%at, and if you promise to be good YOU MIGHT EVEN GET FLAAGG!!!1!!!11
%%%
%%%ELVES! TROLLS! ZOMBIE WERETOASTERS! ALL THIS AND MORE!
%%%
%%%If you act now, you'll also be eligible to receive a COMPLIMENTARY
%%'FLUFFY'
%%%BUMPER STICKER and a FREE LINUX/TROLL/NETCOP/ARRUGALA
%%%CASCADE!!!!!!!!1!!!!11!!!!!
%%%
%%%Also, FREE WILLY!!!1!!!! WITH PURCHASE!!!!!1!!11!!
%%%
%%%Now how much would you pay?!
%%%
%%%YOU'LL PROBABLY FREAK RIGHT THE FUCK OUT WHEN YOU READ THAT YOU CAN HAVE
%%ALL
%%%THIS FOR JUST $1.99!!!1!!11!!!*
%%%
%%%Sound too good to be true? Others charge REAL BIG BUCKS for THIS EXACT
%%SERVICE,
%%%but NOT ME!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!11!!!!! I'M INSANE ABOUT LOW PRICES!!!!!1!!
%%%
%%%
%%%Zuwaadzaa! When you really want to show how much you *care* for your
%%newsgroup!
%%%
%%
%%
%%Hrumphh! The above is a prime example of a foreign business venture,
%%subsidized by a foreign government, "dumping" its product on American
%%shores. This is an unfair trade practice, and I protest!
%%
%%Note that MY address is in good old Michigan which is smack dab in the
%%middle of the good old United States of America. I am as American as
%%tax-loopholes & soft-money political campaign contributions. My
competitor
%%sadly cannot say the same.
%%
%%As a special bonus for reading this ad; Buy your explanations from me and
%%I'll even throw in a coupon for an all-you-can-eat lutefisk buffet! A
%%$10.95 value FREE with your purchase.
%%
%%BUT WAIT THAT'S NOT ALL! Act now and you'll also recieve the famous
GINSU
%%2000 sushi-chef knife (as seen on TV!) The official knife of O.J.
Simpson,
%%YOURS ABSOLUTELY FREE!!!!!!!
%%
%%And remember, Heimdall 2000 explanations come with the famous Heimdall
2000
%%guarantee; Your complete understanding or your money cheerfully
refunded.
%%
%%BUY AMERICAN!!!!! SUPPORT GENUWINE AMERICAN MEOWERS!!!!!!!!!
%
%
%Ignore this incomprehensible lunatic. His products were voted Most Likely
To
%Detonate With Little Warning And Disastrous Consequences by the Usenet
Quality
%Assurance Board, three years running, and he's expected to "win" this
dubious
%achievement yet again this year.
%
%Why, just last week one of these "GENUWINE ALL-'MARKIN POST EXPLERNATIONS"
%(which are assembled by starving English orphans in the horrid sweatshops
run by
%this soulless robber baron) foisted off on an unwitting public by the
charlatan
%Heimdall 2000 (and the number's for the annual casualty count) detonated
in the
%hands of the midwife that brought Mother Theresa into the world. No fewer
than
%fifteen tiny sentence fragments lodged in the poor elderly martyr's face
(and
%breasts, chest neck and head) causing lifelong and irreversible injury
that will
%cause her to live the rest of her short-ass life in nightmarish agony.
%
%With an engineering staff more suited to the grotesque application of
twisted
%burning metal to the backsides of tender innocent babies than to the
development
%of concise post explanations, Heimdall 2000's cadre of sick
%methamphetamine-addicted necrophiliacs works around the clock to ensure
that his
%post explanations contain the maximum possible amount and degree of pain
and
%crippling, horrifying woe. His organization is known internally, and to
those
%of us in the post-explanation industry wise and resourceful enough to
glean the
%sordid details of his monstrous ilk, as the People for Ignorance, Grime
and
%Slavery. P.I.G.S., for short, and it is clear to all of us who *care*
about
%Usenet that this acronym is appropriate.
%
%Heimdall 2000's unending campaign against all that is decent and good
began in
%his youth when he was struck by a rampaging postal worker who drove his
little
%white delivery jeep careening through the halls of Heimdall 2000's humble
%mud-brick middle school. Declaring a lifelong vendetta against the
delivery of
%information in any form, he vowed (when he emerged from a ten-year-long
%vegetative state brought on by a combination of severe brain damage and
the fact
%that he was addicted to smack at the time of the accident, carrying no
fewer
%than fifty filthy needles filled with dirt, drugs and leeches when the
postal
%jeep struck him, causing him to roll and convulse in a slowly widening
pool of
%broken glass and heroin while the ambulance "rushed" to his aid) that he
would
%use his meager allotment of remaining brains to bring about the
destruction of
%clarity and the conveyance of knowledge.
%
%To that end, he attempts to reap the unwary with his post-explanation
TROLLS.
%DO NOT be tempted, friends. Do not, for the love of everything sacred,
allow
%Heimdall 2000 and his gang of ruthless butt-ugly thugs to steal your
hard-earned
%money and in exchange provide you with a disfiguring wreck made to look
like an
%accident. Ignore his attempts to charm you, rob you and hurt you very
badly
%with all sorts of chemical and biological weapons, and to scarify your
body with
%an assortment of twisted metal pointy things.
%
%Do not go down that road, dear friends.
%
%Instead, try the original (and *still* the best) ZUWADZAA POST EXPLAINING
%SERVICE! Not only will we save your time, your money and even your LIFE,
but
%we're proud to offer an exciting range of SPECIAL PROMOTIONAL INCENTIVES*!
%
%Why, just for starters, we're having a SUPER SALE-A-BRATION JUBILEE this
month,
%and YOU are invited to the party! While Heimdall 2000 and his twisted mob
will
%make you watch in an overhead mirror as you are messily eviscerated and
will
%whap you in the face with your own distended liver, ZUWADZAA'A POST
EXPLAINING
%SERVICE will ensure that you're surrounded by dozens of skilled masseurs
and
%masseuses, anointed with pleasing scented oils and caressed with rosebuds
while
%an expert post-explaining genius from our highly paid staff of brilliant
%narrators*. You will have but to gesture, and the post of your choice
will be
%translated into any language spoken throughout recorded history by the
world's
%leading authority on that language and rendered in the style of your
favorite
%author*.
%
%While Heimdall 2000 and his filthy, diseased hordes of plundering
pederasts get
%to work on your head with a coat hanger that has been placed in a common
%household oven and preheated to 450 degrees Fahrenheit, you'll wish in the
name
%of JUSTICE ITSELF that you'd gone to ZUWADZAA'S POST EXPLAINING SERVICE,
where
%every post-explanation is accompanied by the lilting strains of your
favorite
%symphony lovingly rendered by the London Symphony Orchestra, which we will
hire
%just for the occasion*. Nope, you'll find absolutely *NO* forensic
scientists
%exhuming the flayed and charred remnants of you OR your loved ones in our
clean,
%modern offices. We're not like the ghoulish subhuman mongrels at Heimdall
%2000's shack of butchery and senseless violence AT ALL!
%
%So COME ON DOWN to ZUWADZAA'S POST EXPLAINING SERVICE! Our staff of
highly
%skilled courtesans are ready and waiting TWENTY FOUR HOURS A DAY, to usher
you
%into the fantastic botanical garden we've prepared JUST FOR YOU, where the
post
%of your choice will be read with loving care as you sip delicious
beverages and
%snuggle in a warm blankie and enjoy hour upon blissful hour of posts
explained
%flawlessly, and free hot sex*. We're thousands of miles from Heimdall
2000 and
%his ghastly legion of unrepentant livestock rapists. You won't hear the
endless
%screams that shatter the air around his scorched, barren former nuclear
test
%site. WE GUARANTEE IT!
%
%
%
Dear MikeDi1123;
The problems Blu.... I mean, ZUWADZAA, refers to are ancient history. They were a temporary, unfortunate, consequence of the merger in the last quarter of fiscal year 1999 between Heimdalls R Ljutefisk and The Heimdall Collective. Growing Pains, no more and no less! Do not fall prey to Zuwadzaa's attempts to malign a wholly American-owned provider of usenet explanations.
Let me assure you, product difficulties like those with the infamous Happy-Fun Ball are a thing of the past. And even then, if consumers had read(and obeyed) the product warning "Do not taunt Happy-Fun Ball", the number of tragedies would have been lessened.
The A-1 priority of the new management team here at Heimdall 2000 Inc. is total and complete reader satisfaction AND safety. A new millennium, a new take-charge kick-em-in-da-balls attitude.
What Zuwadzaa failed to inform you was that safety is of minimal concern to posters hailing from "The Land Down Under". But what can we expect from a country/continent where each year thousands of infants are snatched from their mother's arms by ravenous dingos and hardly an eyebrow is raised???
"It'll toughen the little wanker up, ay mate?" is usually the sole reaction from men (like Zuwadzaa) to these frequent and preventable calamities.
And the ubiquitous "Mud Wrestling with Mambas for a mere 5 Kangaroos" booths can be found at almost EVERY public gathering, festival, and concert in Aussie-Land.
Ask yourself? "Do I entrust my safety & sanity to sneaky foreigners who don't even give a tinkers damn for their own worthless hides?"
Or, like millions of satisfied AMERICAN customers, do you trust Heimdall 2000?
By Americans, FOR AMERICANS!!!!!
"Heimdall 2000; Because so MUCH is riding on your news froups"