Hey folk of alt.tv.beavis-n-butthead,
I'm still working on my site, and I'd really love to put some FanFics on it, so anyone that has any good Beavis and Butt-head FanFics (DG Porter, I'm looking over your way....) please mail them to [email]
I cannot spank you enough,
Come to Antonia
Antonia the NachoQueen wrote in :
yeh DG and Gary M have fanfics.. and they rule :)
oooooh e heheheheehe she said... eheheheh ;)
Message-ID: From: "D.G. Porter" X-Mailer: Mozilla 2.01E-PBWE (Win95; I) MIME-Version: 1.0 Newsgroups: alt.fan.beavis-n-butthead Subject: "INITIATION" Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Lines: 232 Date: Wed, 06 Jan 1999 15:24:55 -0800 NNTP-Posting-Host: 207.214.188.208 X-Complaints-To: [email] X-Trace: typhoon-sf.snfc21.pbi.net 915665005 207.214.188.208 (Wed, 06 Jan 1999 15:23:25 PDT) NNTP-Posting-Date: Wed, 06 Jan 1999 15:23:25 PDT Organization: SBC Internet Services Path: [address] Xref: 139.134.5.33 alt.fan.beavis-n-butthead:407
BEAVIS AND BUTT-HEAD: "INITIATION" by D.G. Porter (01/08/98)
[Scene 1: Early evening. Beavis and Butt-head are standing on the sidewalk looking at some mashed roadkill and laughing to themselves. Suddenly Todd's car (with Todd and Slade in it) comes roaring down the street from the other direction and stops just in front of them, nearly knocking them down. When the dust and smoke clears, Todd and Slade are already out of the car and standing against it.]
Butt-head: Whoa! It's Todd!
Todd: Hey, girls! You still wanna join my "gang"?
Beavis: Whoa! He's really talking to us!
Butt-head: Yeah! We're cool!
Todd: [grabbing Butt-head by the neck] Lissen up you little fuzz-nut! You're not "cool" until I SAY you are! Now I got a little job for ya if you wanna be in my "gang"!
Butt-head: [somewhat choked] Uh, okay.
Todd: [let's Butt-head drop] Now listen up, you little twerps. I got something I want you to do for me and Mr. Slade here.
Butt-head: Uh, like, so what is it?
Todd: It involves a little personal matter between me and those punks at Highland High.
Butt-head: Uh, so like, who would they be?
Beavis: Hey Butthead, I wonder if it's Stewart.
[Todd kicks Beavis to the ground.]
Todd: I didn't say you could talk!
Beavis: Oh! Oh yeah! Heh heh, sorry about that, sir!
Todd: So like lissen up, girls. I got a beef with that fat drunk McVicker and that other asshole Buzzcut. And I know just what I want you to do for me.
Butt-head: Uhhhhh, McDicker and Buzzcut?
Todd: That's right. Just a little matter of them not passing me from Driver's Ed before I quit school and became cool. Those punks cost me two years in getting my license.
Butt-head: Uh, so what do we have to do to be in your gang?
Todd: Come with me. It's time you two learned something about cars. [Todd and Slade each grab Beavis and Butt-head and throw them into the trunk of the car. Todd slams the lid down on them as he and Slade laugh to themselves and get into the car.]
Butt-head: Hey Beavis! I think it's really gonna happen!
Beavis: YEAH! We're finally gonna be in Todd's gang!
[Todd drives the car off, burning rubber as he tears down the road.]
[Scene 2: At Todd's garage. Todd has the hood open and is showing something to Beavis and Butt-head.]
Todd: [holding the air cleaner filter from his car] So take this thing out and put it in the trash can. Then take some of this sand and pour it down here. [Points to the carbuerator.] Then you put some of these mothballs in the gas tank. And then you come back here and I tell you what you have to do next. [He replaces the filter and air cleaner lid and shuts the hood.]
Butt-head: So like, Todd. Will we be in your gang then?
Todd: No. I got a few more things you have to do. Getting in my "gang" isn't that easy.
Beavis: Um, can we put some sugar in the gas tank too? We like did that to Buzzcut once.
Todd: [sarcastically] Hmmm. Not a bad idea. I think you're learning. In fact, I just change my mind about the air filter. I want you to bring it back to me to prove you did what I told you. Now get outa here until you get done with this job.
[Beavis and Butt-head walk down the street away fom Todd's garage.]
Beavis: Ummm, hey Butt-head! Do you remember what we're s'posed to do?
Butt-head: Uhhhh... um, ...no. I think we're s'posed to look for that car Buzzcut uses in Drive's Ed.
[They walk over to Highland High school. By now it is getting dark. They walk around the outside and eventually find the car, parked. They stare at the car for a long while.]
Beavis: Ummm, Butt-head? This doesn't look like Todd's car....
Butt-head: Uhhhh, hm. [Suddenly a thought-balloon appears above his head, with a Bic lighter being lit within. The balloon fades.]
Butt-head: Beavis, let's go back to Todd's place.
Beavis: What for?
Butt-head: Practice, dumb-ass!
[They leave the campus.]
[Next scene: Back at Todd's house. There's a wild party going on inside. It is disturbing one of the neighbors, who is yelling at Todd's party about the noise from within his window. Todd's car is parked out front. The boys walk up to Todd's car.]
Butt-head: OK, Beavis! Let's get to work!
Beavis: OK. Let's see, pull open the hood, yep, there's the latch. OK, pull off the top, pull out this thing, heh-heh! [He pulls out the air filter and throws it off into the bushes.]
Butt-head: And don't forget the sand!
Beavis: Oh yeah! [He picks up a handful of dirt and dumps in inside the air cleaner and shuts the hood.] Now what, Butt-head?
Butt-head: Uh, I dunno. [He looks at the air cleaner lid in Beavis's hand.] Let's play frisbee with that lid-thing.
[They start throwing the lid back and forth. At one point the lid flies up into the air and through a neighbor's window, breaking the glass.]
Neighbor: [from within] <bonk!> OW!!! Hey, you little twerp! God dammit! That does it, I'm calling the cops on that punk!
Beavis: Heh-heh, that was pretty cool!
Butt-head: Yeah. Come on, Beavis, let's go back to school and do that Driver's Ed car.
[Next scene: Later that night, back at Highland High. They have already started in on the Driver's Ed car. Beavis has the air cleaner lid off, and tosses the filter onto the ground. Butt-head has found some pliers in the back seat.]
Butt-head: Hey Beavis! Check this out! [He pulls out the fuel line with the pliers. Gas fumes start radiating from the car.]
Beavis: [getting a buzz] Whoa! Heh-heh! Butt-head! Watch this! [He pulls down his pants and takes a dump into the carbuerator.] Aaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh....
Butt-head: Beavis, you're messed up.
Beavis: Heh-heh-heh-heh! [He goes around to the gas cap and removes it, and starts urinating into the gas tank. When he is done, he goes back to the front of the car and starts re-arranging the distributor wires. he places one in a pool of gas that is accumulating on the engine block.]
Beavis: I'll bet Todd'll let us in his gang now for all our "extra effort"!
Butt-head: Come on, Beavis! Hurry up! Pick up that filter-thing and let's get outa here. I wanna go watch some TV.
[They leave the schoolgrounds with Beavis carrying the filter and Butt-head holding the fuel line.]
[Next scene: They are back at Todd's house. The party has apparently stopped. All is quiet. Todd's place seems abandoned. We see that the door has been kicked in.]
Beavis: Um, Butt-head? Where is everybody?
Butt-head: Uhhhhhh, I dunno!
Beavis: What should we do with this thing? [He holds up the filter.]
Butt-head: I guess we should leave it for Todd! Put it in his car, or something!
Beavis: Okay. [He tosses the filter into the front seat of Todd's car.] Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh!
Butt-head: And this is for "extra credit"! Huh-huh-huh-huh! [He tosses the fuel line into Todd's car.] Come on, let's go home. [They leave the scene.]
[Next morning. They are asleep on Butt-head's couch, with the TV news blaring. Beavis is the first to stir.]
Beavis: Mmmmmmmmmm.... Heh-heh. Umm, Butt-head?
Butt-head: Uhhhhhhhhhhh.....
[They fall back asleep.]
TV Announcer: And in a related story, police arrested this man in connection with an act of vandalism at Highland High. [The TV shows a picture of Todd.] Police were called to the scene of a wild party when a neighbor was injured by part of the suspect's car flying through his window and striking him in the head. Later it was discovered that the suspect was in possession of materials taken from the scene of wanton destruction of one of Highland High's major assets, a vehicle used in Driver's Education. [The TV shows the car in flames on the Highland High campus.] In other stories....
[Fade.]
[Next scene: Beavis and Butt-head are at Todd's former house a few days later. The place is abandoned, and Todd's car is still sitting on the lawn in front.]
Butt-head: Dammit, Beavis, this sucks!
Beavis: Yeah! Todd moved away and never let us in his gang!
Butt-head: Yeah. He's gone to college. I guess he wasn't as cool as he thought he was.
Beavis: Yeah.... he went to, um, "Pen State," or something.
Butt-head: Well, at least he left us his car. [They get another Bic lighter idea.]
Beavis: Yeah, heh-heh! Let's break it! [He kicks the side of the door, then picks up a rock and lobs it through the windshield. Both laugh.]
[Music. Fade.]
Message-ID: From: "D.G. Porter" X-Mailer: Mozilla 2.01E-PBWE (Win95; I) MIME-Version: 1.0 Newsgroups: alt.fan.beavis-n-butthead Subject: "LAST DAY" Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Lines: 161 Date: Wed, 06 Jan 1999 15:26:40 -0800 NNTP-Posting-Host: 207.214.188.208 X-Complaints-To: [email] X-Trace: typhoon-sf.snfc21.pbi.net 915665109 207.214.188.208 (Wed, 06 Jan 1999 15:25:09 PDT) NNTP-Posting-Date: Wed, 06 Jan 1999 15:25:09 PDT Organization: SBC Internet Services Path: [address] Xref: 139.134.5.33 alt.fan.beavis-n-butthead:409
BEAVIS AND BUTT-HEAD: "LAST DAY" by D.G. Porter (01/15/98) [based on a real-life event of some 28 years ago]
[Scene: Beavis and Butt-head are in the boys' locker room. They are being lectured by one angry Bradley Buzzcut.]
Buzzcut: And for the last time, you WILL take proper care of this school's equipment, or I will know the reason why! Do you understand me, boys!?
Butt-head: Uhhhhh....
Buzzcut: THAT IS NOT AN ACCEPTABLE ANSWER! [Pops him lone across the face.] DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME!??
Butt-head: UUUUUUUHH!!
Beavis: Um, I think so, sir. Heh-heh.
Buzzcut: Now you WILL pick up every towel in this place and put it into that laundry hamper! And get your filthy gym clothes outa here! NOW! And I NEVER want to see you or hear your insane laughing again until next year! NOW GET TO WORK, MAGGOTS!!!
[Buzzcut leaves the immediate area. We hear a distant door slam. The boys stand there, looking around at the floor of the locker room.]
Butt-head: Uhh, this sucks....
Beavis: Yeah, it sure does....
Buzzcut: [out of sight, echoed sound to his voice] GET TO WORK, YOU LITTLE BASTARDS!!!
[Butt-head picks up a towel.]
Butt-head: Uh, huh-huh-huh! Check this one out, Beavis. Here.
[Beavis takes the towel.]
Beavis: Um, is that what I think it is, Butt-head? <sniff sniff>
Butt-head: I think so, Beavis!
Beavis: Cool! [He throws the towel into the hamper.]
Butt-head: This sucks. This is gonna take us all day. [He picks up another towel and throws it at the hamper. It misses the hamper, landing instead near a toilet stall. Butt-head walks over to the towel. He stops and looks back and forth between the towel and the stall, laughing. A thought-balloon appears over his head with a lightbulb inside it. The bulb lights up and explodes, and the balloon fades away.]
Butt-head: Check this out! [He picks up the towel and throws it into the toilet and flushes the toilet. The towel begins to go down the drain, but gets stuck. Butt-head flushes the toilet a few more times until the towel disappears.]
Beavis: Whoa! Hey, Butt-head. Try another one. [He hands Butt-head another towel. Butt-head starts to flush this one down the toilet starting with one end. It goes down in two flushes.]
Butt-head: Beavis! This is cool! Go get me some more towels!
[Beavis brings Butt-head all the towels, one or two at a time. Butt-head begins to wind the towels around themelves into long cordlike affairs before he flushes them. These go down in a single flush per towel. Beavis starts flushing some down the adjacent stall. Soon all the towels are gone.]
Beavis: Ahhhhhhhh, nothing like a job well done!
Butt-head: Yeah.
Beavis: Well, might as well go get my gym clothes too!
Butt-head: Uh, oh yeah. Buzzcut wants us to "wash" them.
[They get their gym clothes -- T-shirts and shorts and socks -- and take them over to the toilets. They flush these down the toilets as well.]
Butt-head: I'm tired. Let's go home.
Beavis: Yeah, me too. [They exit.]
[After they have left, we hear the sound of an off-screen toilet flushing. Buzzcut comes back into the locker room. He looks inthe hamper, but there is only one towel in it. He looks about for the other towels.]
Buzzcut: What the hell did they do this time!? Where have they put all those towels!?? I'll KILL those little turds the next chance I get!! [He walks off-screen.] BEAVIS! BUTT-HEAD! COME BACK HERE THIS INSTANT!!!
[Shot of a calendar on a wall inside Buzzcut's office in the locker room. Three months' worth of pages fall off the calendar, indicating the passing of time and the vacancy of the locker room.]
[Scene of Beavis and Butt-head sitting on the couch watching TV.]
Beavis: Hey Butt-head. Are we supposed to go back to school again sometime?
Butt-head: Who cares? It's not like we're gonna learn anything.
[Scene of the boys' locker room. Buzzcut and McVicker are inspecting the premises.]
Buzzcut: I still don't know what those little bastards did with four dozen towels.
McVicker: Uhhhh, just thinking of those two coming back gives me stomach cramps. Uhhhhhhhhhhh... uh oh. [He grabs his stomach.] Where's the staff men's room? Uhhhhhhhh... [He runs off-screen. We hear a door slam. Soon we hear a toilet flush, followed by a howl. McVicker yells at Buzzcut from inside the men's room.]
McVicker: HELP! Get me some towels FAST!!!
Buzzcut: There ARE no towels!! The news ones won't be here until tomorrow.
McVicker: Then call Miss Tress and tell her to get me another new pair of pants. And shoes! Uhhhhhh, and socks too!
Buzzcut: What the hell is going on in -- UUHHHHHHH!!! <cough cough> That is disgusting! What the hell have you been eating!!!???
[Scene of the blacktop outside the locker room. There is the beginning of a low rumble and the ground begins to shake. We still hear the screams and moans of McVicker and Buzzcut from inside the locker room, growing more intense by the second. The shaking also grows more and more intense and the sound gets louder. Suddenly the blacktop explodes and all the contents of the sewer, including almost four dozen rotting towels and two sets of rotting boys' gym clothes, fly into the air followed by gallons of water and green noxious fumes. After this burst, water continues to spew out at a measured rate from the long chasm running the length of the blacktop from the locker room to the green, and the fumes coalesce into a very large cloud. The green cloud begins to drift over the area, away from the campus.]
[Cut to Beavis and Butt-head watching TV. The green cloud begins to approach their house. Outside, we hear the sounds of people choaking and screaming.]
Butt-head: Uh! <cough-cough> Beavis, did you just cut the cheese again!
Beavis: <cough-cough-cough> Um, yes. I mean, no. I though it was you.
Butt-head: That's pretty disgusting, Beavis. <cough>
Beavis: <cough-cough-cough-cough> Yeah, but it's still kinda cool.
Butt-head: Uhhhh, hmm. I wonder if we have any more chimichangas? <cough>
[Music. Fade. End.]
Message-ID: From: "D.G. Porter" X-Mailer: Mozilla 2.01E-PBWE (Win95; I) MIME-Version: 1.0 Newsgroups: alt.fan.beavis-n-butthead Subject: "BOOM TOWN!" Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Lines: 105 Date: Wed, 06 Jan 1999 15:23:29 -0800 NNTP-Posting-Host: 207.214.188.208 X-Complaints-To: [email] X-Trace: typhoon-sf.snfc21.pbi.net 915664918 207.214.188.208 (Wed, 06 Jan 1999 15:21:58 PDT) NNTP-Posting-Date: Wed, 06 Jan 1999 15:21:58 PDT Organization: SBC Internet Services Path: [address] Xref: 139.134.5.33 alt.fan.beavis-n-butthead:406
BEAVIS AND BUTT-HEAD: "BOOM TOWN" D.G. Porter, 04/21/95 (revised 1997)
[Scene: Tom Anderson's back yard on a Saturday afternoon. Beavis and Butt-head are being "employed" for some more yard work by the hapless idiot.]
Anderson: Boys, I have a real important job for ya today. I want this whole yard fertilized so's I can plant my new lawn this spring.
Butt-head: Uhhh, Beavis can fertilize it for you all by himself!
Beavis: Shut up, butt-hole!
Anderson: You'll find the fertilizer in the garage in the back of my truck. Now I'm goin' inside for a tall frosty cold one.
Beavis: Hey Butt-head. This sucks!
Butt-head: Yeah. Let's see what else Anderson has in his garage.
[They go into the garage through the back door and start looking around. In the back of Anderson's truck are a few large bags of industrial fertilizer, some rags, and a 55-gallon metal drum of oil.]
Beavis: Heh-heh. Whoa! Butt-head, check it out! Anderson left his keys in the ignition!
Butt-head: Cool! Let's drive it into town and play some video games!
[They open the garage door. Butt-head gets into the driver's side of the truck cab abd Beavis gets in the other side. Butt-head gets the truck started and slowly backs it out into the street. Cut to a shot of Anderson sitting inside his living room, wathing TV and drinking a beer. Behind him, through the window, we see the boys driving off in his truck. Fade a a shot of the boys in town near the mall.]
Beavis: Come on, Butt-head! Hurry up and park this thing so I can go play Zeltar.
Butt-head: Uh, OK.
[Butt-head tries to park the truck "sort of" in front of an office building across the street from the mall, in the space between two cars parked far enough apart that a limousine could fit. In parking the truck, Butt-head first crashes into the car in front of him, and then as he backs it up he crashes into the car parked behind them. The result of this is that the 55-gallon drum of oil falls over, rupturing the top bag of fertilizer, and starts spilling oil onto the bags of fertilizer and the rags. Beavis & Butt-head get out and go across the street to the strip-mall with the video arcade. The rags and the bags of fertilizer start to soak up the oil. Not long after this, but hy the time the oil has more or less been completely soaked up, we see Todd driving down the street in his car and smoking a cigarette. As he passes Anderson's truck, he throws his still-lit cigarette butt out his car window. It land in the back of the truck on the now oil-soaked rags. Soon the rags are smoldering. Meanwhile, Beavis is going wet-and-wild on the video game (the only thing in life he can do).]
Beavis: WHOA!! WHOA!!! BUTT-HEAD!! Check it out! I'm almost up to game point!
Butt-head: Shut up, dill-wad! You try to talk to me and it messes up my mind so I can't play the game right!
[Just as Beavis hits game point, the truck explodes, taking out a huge chunk of the office building. The Mall buildings shudder from the blast.]
Butt-head: WHOA! Beavis!! That kicked ass! This is a pretty cool video game!
Beavis: YEAH! YEAH! Heh-heh, it's like, you score game-point and they blow up a building!
Butt-head: I wonder how they do that!
[Both start to laugh. We also hear the sound of fire engine and ambulances in the distance during the fade-out.]
[Fade in on a scene of Beavis and Butt-head watching the TV news later in the day.]
TV Announcer: ...and a Mr. Tom Anderson was taken into custody by police and FBI agents earlier today as the prime suspect of the bombing of the US Government building following a positive ID of the truck involved as being registered to him.
[We see a shot on the TV of Anderson being dragged out of his house by a SWAT team.]
Announcer: We repeat, this is not the Tom Anderson rumored to be the party responsible for trying to bring on an invasion of the Earth by a large cucumber-beast from Venus in the 1950s. But police were led to suspect Anderson from an earlier conviction as the "Mad Bowling Ball Bomber."
Butt-head: What a dumb-ass!
Beavis: Yeah! And he never paid us for that work we did on his yard!
[Both start laughing. Music. FADE OUT.]
[END]
Message-ID: From: "D.G. Porter" X-Mailer: Mozilla 2.01E-PBWE (Win95; I) MIME-Version: 1.0 Newsgroups: alt.fan.beavis-n-butthead Subject: 'BEAVIS GETS LAID!" Part 1 of 3 Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Lines: 281 Date: Wed, 06 Jan 1999 15:20:16 -0800 NNTP-Posting-Host: 207.214.188.208 X-Complaints-To: [email] X-Trace: typhoon-sf.snfc21.pbi.net 915664727 207.214.188.208 (Wed, 06 Jan 1999 15:18:47 PDT) NNTP-Posting-Date: Wed, 06 Jan 1999 15:18:47 PDT Organization: SBC Internet Services Path: [address] Xref: 139.134.5.33 alt.fan.beavis-n-butthead:414
"BEAVIS GETS LAID" - Part 1 of 3 D.G. Porter, 1995 [based in part on real-life incidents]
[Opening scene. Beavis and Butt-head are standing in the open field with the water tower in the distance late in the afternoon.]
Butt-head: Dammit, Beavis, I'm sick and tired of not getting any!
Beavis: Yeah! Me too. I wanna score!
Butt-head: We need to find something that'll get us laid for sure.
Beavis: Yeah! Yeah! [pause] Um, like what, Butt-head?
Butt-head: Uhhhh, I dunno! Wait a minute.... [a light bulb appears over his head, fizzles a bit, and shatters] Uhhhh, hmm. Oh yeah! Let's go ask Todd!
Beavis: Yeah! Todd's cool!
[They walk down the street looking for Todd.]
Beavis: Hey, Butt-head! Didn't Todd tell us not to talk to him?
Butt-head: Beavis, if you're gonna take that attitude, you're never gonna score! Just trust me!
Beavis: Um, why should I do that, Butt-head?
Butt-head: Beavis, have I ever told you to do something that wasn't cool?
Beavis: Um, you told me to snip my nads off once, and then I kicked you in your nads! That was cool!
Butt-head: Yeah, and I'm gonna kick your nads outa your mouth if you don't shut up!
[They find Todd working on his car. Todd is on a low rolling mechanic's platform underneath the car, which is raised on blocks.]
Butt-head: Hey, Todd, how's it goin'?
Todd: What? [looks at them from under the car] I thought I told you preschoolers not to talk to me! If I wasn't busy under this car I'd kick your asses clear into next year! What the hell do you want now!?
Beavis: Todd's pretty cool, Butt-head.
Butt-head: Uh, we'd like something to help us get laid.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah! LAID!
Todd: [almost laughing at the idea] You WEBOLOS -- get laid!!?????
Butt-head: Uh, yeah! So, like, you must know what we need to get laid.
Todd: What makes you think I'll tell you?
Butt-head: Uh, 'cause you're cool.
Todd: Yeah, well, you girls got that one right. [pulling on wrench:] Unnhh! Damn! ...What girls would ever wanna lay a pair of fuzz-nuts like you?
Butt-head: Uhhhhh....
Beavis: Hey, Butt-head! Remember those two chicks we almost met at that concert, and you pushed the portopotty over when I was in it, and these turds came out and --
Butt-head: DAMMIT, BEAVIS, you're always talking about turds when I'm trying to score! Uhhh, wait a minute. Those chicks WERE kinda cool.
Beavis: Yeah! They seemed in-terested, and stuff!
Todd: [trying to move a recalcitrant bolt] Dammit!! F**king God-damn
Message-ID: From: "D.G. Porter" X-Mailer: Mozilla 2.01E-PBWE (Win95; I) MIME-Version: 1.0 Newsgroups: alt.fan.beavis-n-butthead Subject: "DORKULA!" Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Lines: 265 Date: Wed, 06 Jan 1999 15:31:25 -0800 NNTP-Posting-Host: 207.214.188.208 X-Complaints-To: [email] X-Trace: typhoon-sf.snfc21.pbi.net 915665396 207.214.188.208 (Wed, 06 Jan 1999 15:29:56 PDT) NNTP-Posting-Date: Wed, 06 Jan 1999 15:29:56 PDT Organization: SBC Internet Services Path: [address] Xref: 139.134.5.33 alt.fan.beavis-n-butthead:417
"DORK-ULA!" by D.G. Porter (01/05/98)
[Scene: Stewart's house. Stewart's parents aren't home. It is late at night and Beavis and Butt-head have come over to watch cable TV. Stewart is sitting between them on the couch. He is getting sleepy.]
Stewart: Come on, guys, they say this movie is really scary, and I don't think I should be watching it.
Butt-head: Stewart, you dork! At least you could TRY not to act like a wuss!
Beavis: Yeah, heh-heh. Wiener!
Stewart: Come on, guys, lay off! I'll-I'll watch the movie with you.
[Something gruesome happens on the TV.]
Beavis & Butt-head: Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!
Stewart: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
Beavis & Butt-head: [chortling]
Butt-head: [measured speech:] That was cool!
Beavis: Yeahhhhhhhhhhhh..........
Stewart: Guys, I just can't watch the rest of this scene... ohhhhh....
[Stewart covers his eyes with his hands. He begins to relax. His hands drop from his eyes but he keeps them closed. The scene beings to flutter and we hear harp arpeggios as a black-and-white scene fades in.]
Butt-head [dressed in a 19th-Century business suit, seated behind an ornate wooden desk in a fancy 19th-Century office]: So, like, Stewart, uh, you gotta go to this dude's castle in Transel-syl-varnia, or something.
Stewart [similarly dressed, sitting in a chair in front of the desk]: Uh, why me, Butt-head?
Butt-head: Because I'm your boss, butt-hole! Besides, he's paying us a lot of money, and I hear he's got some really hot chicks that might even score with a loser like you!
Stewart: [apprehensively] I don't know.....
Butt-head: Damn it, Stewart, get outa this office and onto that coach for that dude's castle before I kick your nads so hard they come out your butt!
Stewart: Wait a minute....
[The scene fades to the inside of a horse-drawn coach. Stewart hasn't moved from the chair but he is now sitting inside the coach. There are three other people in the coach with him.]
Stewart: Huh?? How'd I get here??
Passenger #1 [who looks amazingly like Martin]: Vell, you got on at zee station vith zee rest off us!
Stewart: Where are we going??
Passenger #2 [who looks amazingly like Daria Morgendorffer]: Vee are chust goink into town, but you are goink on to zee costle of zee feared Nosferatu.
Stewart: Hey wait a minute! I don't wanna go there!
Passenger #3 [who looks amazingly like Todd]: Vhat's de matter, you little vimp? Afraid of de beeg bad wampyre? Are you afraid he might put zee bite on your leetle vussy neck??
Stewart: Uh, yeah, kinda...
[The three other passengers all laugh. Suddenly the coach comes to a stop and Stewart falls forward onto the floor of the coach. Cut to a scene outside of the coach, where the driver kicks Stewart's bags off of the top of the coach, and the other passengers kick Stewart out of the coach onto his ass. Another coach is waiting for him. It is driven by a man who looks amazingly like Butt-head. The first coach speeds away to the sound of laughter from within it.]
Driver #2: So, like, get in, dumb-ass!
Stewart: I don't wanna!!
Driver: Dammit, Harker, get in before you piss me off! [He dismounts and pushes Stewart into the open caoch door.] Damn forriners!
[The coach barrels down the rocky dirt road like hellfire. Inside, Stewart looks like he's about to puke from all the jostling motion.]
Stewart: Driver, <blllll-->, slow down! Please!
[He looks out the coach door, but there is no one at the helm of the coach.]
Stewart: Ohhhh noooooo....
[The coach reaches an old castle, mostly fallen into disrepair. Stewart falls out of the coach and crawls up to the castles' front door. As he touches it, it opens slowly (with a crepitation), and Stewart gazes inside.]
Stewart: H-h-hello??? A-a-anybody h-h-home???
[Beavis appears at the top of the stairs dressed in a cape and sporting a bifurcated pompadour. He speaks in a manic clip.]
Beavis: Heyhowzitgoin'?
Stewart: Are you the Count?
Beavis: Heh-heh-heh, I am The Great Count Holio, and I need TP for my bat-hole! Like, come in, or something.
[Suddenly the air is filled with the sounds of howling wolves. Stewart cringes. Beavis gets wide-eyed and cross-eyed.]
Beavis: "Zee cheeldren of zee night." They sound pretty cool! I mean, it's not Metallica, but it still rules!
Stewart: Uh, I think you were supposed to sign some papers I brought with me. Ohhhh, where did they go? I -- I must have left them in your coach.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah, yeah, we can deal with that later. Can I offer you some nachos?
Stewart: Well, I am kind of hungry... and thirsty. Do you have any non-alcoholic cider?
Beavis: I never drink.... that crap. I only drink "the hard stuff"!
Stewart: Well, gee, my mom said I shouldn't drink any alcohol until I was 21....
Beavis: Who said anything about alcohol? Ummm, get yer ass up here now, bung-wipe! We have business to conduct!
[Stewart braves the old decrepit staircase, climbing up to the top step with growing trepidation. Beavis merely glides down the hallway, into an open door leading to an opulent-looking drawing room.]
Stewart: [timidly looking into the room] Uh, Count? Are you in here?
Beavis: Dammit, Harker, get yer sorry little ass in here! You think I'm here just to entertain you!? You think I'm just here for your amusement!?
Stewart: I'm awfully sorry....
Beavis: Yeah, you are awfully sorry. You're a sorry excuse for a man of business! You're a blot on the escutcheon of all mankind, or something. Now get in here and sit down!
[Stewart enters the room and moves towards one of the overstuffed fancy chairs.]
Beavis: NO, NO, NO, don't sit there! Sit over there on that damn couch! [He directs Stewart over to a ratty old couch with holes in the upholstery.] Now turn on the TV and find me something cool to watch!
[Stewart picks up the remote control and turn on the TV in front of him.]
Stewart: Gosh, something seems wrong! TV hasn't even been invented yet, and... uh, Count? Hello??? Ulp! He's gone!
[Two girls appear on the TV screen. As if by magic, they float out of the TV and into the room in front of Stewart.]
Girl #1: Hi. I'm Lolita, and this-here's Tanquerey.
Girl #2: We unnerstand you're here to see the Count.
Stewart: Uh, yes. Yes I am. But he doesn't seem to be here at the moment, so why don't I just leave....?
Girl #1: Now, you just sit right there, honey, and let us take care of you.
Girl #2: Yeah. Just relax....
[The room fades and is replaced by a bedroom. Stewart hasn't moved but he is now seated on the bed, an opulent affair with a canopy and parted curtains. The girls are mysteriously redressed in nightgowns, showing off their thingies to Stewart.]
Stewart: [embarrassed at seeing their thingies so plainly] Aw, gosh, girls, what if the Count comes back and sees us like this???
Lolita: Don't you worry your little head about him, sugar-britches, 'cause it's party-time! [She holds his legs down.]
Tanquerey: Yeah! Party-time! And first order of business on the agenda tonight is to please your hosts! [She gets up on top of him, holding his arms down with her feet and crouching over his face.] I got an itch that needs scratchin'! And besides, it's "that time of the month" and I want YOU to perform my monthly menstrual extraction!
[Of course, anyone with half a brain would be fighting this attack off, but Stewart just lies there like the helpless sack of hammers that he is. Tanquerey lowers her crotch to within an inch of his face.]
Tanquerey: Here we go, honey! Let's paint this town red!
Lolita: I'm next!
Stewart! AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!! NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[Suddenly a loud crash rends the silence of the room. "The Count" appears at the window, foaming at the mouth. He screams at the girls, who jump off of Stewart and hiss back at him. Beavis flies through the room, driving them back from the bed. Pandemonium. As all three of the wraiths circle around him, cackling and shrieking at him, Stewart shuts his eyes and cries out.]
Stewart: MOMMY!!!! MAKE IT STOP!!! MAKE IT STOP!!!
[Suddenly someone backhands Stewart. It is Butt-head. They are all back on the living-room couch at Stewart's house.]
Butt-head: Shut up, Stewart, you damned wuss! You're crying like a little girl!
Beavis: YEAH! And, how am I supposed to hear the TV with you shrieking all the time!?
Stewart: Huh???? Beavis! Is that really you????
Beavis: What???
Butt-head: I told you to shut up, Stewart! [He slaps him again.] It's like, you start making all these noises, and I can't see the chick's thingies right!
Beavis: Dammit, now the good part's over with! Now it's just back to that bunghole with the old lady's hair again! This sucks!
Butt-head: Yeah. Come on, Beavis, let's get outa here. Stewart's too much of a wuss to watch TV with!
Beavis: Hey, Butt-head, I hear there's a kill-dozer movie on! Let's go to your house and watch it.
Butt-head: Yeah. Then we won't have to put up with Stewart's crying.
[They leave. Stewart turn off the TV and goes into his room. He is sitting on his bed when the room goes all blurry. Suddenly he finds himself once again sitting in 19th-century Butt-head's office, dressed in 19th-Century garb.]
Stewart: Oh no......... not again!
Butt-head: Dammit, Stewart, stop whining or I'll kick you ass. I got a job for you to do!
Stewart: NOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[Fade. End.]
Message-ID: From: "D.G. Porter" X-Mailer: Mozilla 2.01E-PBWE (Win95; I) MIME-Version: 1.0 Newsgroups: alt.fan.beavis-n-butthead Subject: "BOMB THREAT!" Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Lines: 320 Date: Wed, 06 Jan 1999 15:17:39 -0800 NNTP-Posting-Host: 207.214.188.208 X-Complaints-To: [email] X-Trace: typhoon-sf.snfc21.pbi.net 915664571 207.214.188.208 (Wed, 06 Jan 1999 15:16:11 PDT) NNTP-Posting-Date: Wed, 06 Jan 1999 15:16:11 PDT Organization: SBC Internet Services Path: [address] Xref: 139.134.5.33 alt.fan.beavis-n-butthead:416
"BOMB THREAT" D.G. Porter, 10/07/94 (revised 1997) [based on a real-life incident]
[Opening scene -- Beavis and Butt-head are at Highland High School standing by the lockers, doing nothing, when Dean walks up to his locker nearby. He is carrying a large, old-fashioned alarm clock. Dean dials his combination and opens the locker.]
Beavis: Whoa! Hey, Dean! What is that thing?
Dean: It's my dad's old alarm clock. Haven't you ever seen one of these before?
Beavis: Ummm... no, heh-heh! What's it for?
Dean: My dad used to use it to get up in the morning.
Beavis & Butt-head: [laughter].
Butt-head: You said "get up"!
Beavis: I don't need one of those to get up in the morning!
Butt-head: Beavis, you butt-monkey-spank!
Dean: Very funny, guys. He used it to WAKE up in the morning.
Beavis: Oh. [pause] What for?
Dean: To go to SCHOOL, of course. Don't you guys know anything? Oh, stupid question....
Beavis: Um, no. Why did he want to do that?
Dean: [sighs] He just DID. I'm keeping it here until class. [Dean shuts his locker and leaves.]
Butt-head: Hey, Beavis. That thing sure makes a lot of noise.
Beavis: Yeah, heh-heh. I can still hear it. "Tick. Tick. Heh-heh! Tock!"
Butt-head: You're a stupid bunghole, Beavis! [pauses] Hey, Beavis! I, like, heard that they used to make BOMBS with clocks like that!
Beavis: Whoa! Really!?? How'd they do that??
Butt-head: Uhhh, I dunno. They just, like, DID, I guess! Then they'd, like, run away and stuff and the bomb would blow everything up! That was cool!
Beavis: Yeah, that would be kinda cool!
[The school-bell rings, announcing "first period."]
Butt-head: Dammit, just when things are, like, interesting and stuff, we have to go off to class!
Beavis: Yeah! That sucks! Heh-heh! [small inset shot of broken gears trying to turn inside beavis's head] Heh-heh-heh! Hey, Butt-head! Check this out!
[Beavis walks over towards a pay phone.]
Butt-head: Hey, butt-munch, wait up!
[Beavis picks up the receiver and tries to dial a number. Nothing happens.]
Butt-head: You're supposed to put money it in, dumb-ass!
Beavis: Really? That sucks too! Um, got a quarter, Butt-head?
Butt-head: What for?
Beavis: I think I can get us out of school!
Butt-head: Why go to all that trouble? Let's just go home and watch TV!
Beavis: No, wait, Butt-head! This'll be cool!
Butt-head: Uhhh, all I have is a quarter.
Beavis: Come one, Butt-head, give it to me!
Butt-head: Uhhhh, OK. This better be cool, Beavis, or I'll kick your butt-knockering ass!
Beavis: Don't call me that, Butt-head! And it WILL be cool! It's gonna RULE!
[Beavis puts the quarter in the slot and dials a number.]
Phone voice: Hello, Highland High School.
Beavis: Heh-heh, hello, Principal McDicker's office? Heh-heh, there's a BOMB in one of the lockers! Don't try to open it or the bomb'll go off! You'd better, like, eviscerate the school, or something, heh-heh! [hangs up the phone] That was cool!
Butt-head: You're stupid, Beavis! You just wasted a quarter! No one's gonna believe that stupid phone call!
[Beavis looks confused for a minute, biting his lower lip. Then he gets this funny grin on his face and his eyes open wide.]
Beavis: Yeah, they will! Heh-heh, you'll see!
Butt-head: Beavis, you're a stupid wiener-whacking weirdo! And you owe me a quarter!
[They walk away from the phone.]
[Cut to Van Driessan's class. DVD is droning on about something in his typical whiney slow monotonous way of talking about something "caring."]
Beavis: Hey, Dean! Check it out! I called in a bomb threat to McDicker before class! Maybe they'll shut down the school!
Dean: You did what!?? Don't you know that's a federal offense, a felony?
Beavis. Yes, I mean, no, heh-heh! Um, what's that?
Dean: It's a REAL SERIOUS CRIME! You might get arrested!
Beavis: Whoa, really!?
Butt-head: That's cool! Hey, Beavis! Do you think McVicker knew it was you?
Beavis: Um,...no. I dunno! [pause] Heh-heh, I know one way to find out!
Dean: How's that?
Van Driessan: Excuse me, boys, but it's impolite to talk when I'm trying to give a lesson here. Now, Beavis, I know you may not care if you do well, but there are other people's feeling to consider here, so please be quiet and try not to disturb others who may be trying to listen, 'nkay?
[Long shot of the students. Some are asleep, some are doing other things, nobody is paying attention to DVD. DVD continues his "lecture" on whatever the subject is.]
Beavis: Check it out! [reaches into his pocket and pulls out some firecrackers] I still got some of these KILLER M-80s from Mexico. Maybe I could do something to McDicker with them!
Dean: Hey, wait a minute! What're you going to do with those?
Beavis: Um, heh-heh! [pauses] Heh-heh-heh! [pauses again] Um, I dunno ... YET!
Butt-head: Hey, Beavis! Why don't you, like, blow up McVicker's car with one of those?
Dean: Hey, wait a minute, you guys! I don't want to have anything to do with this!
Butt-head: Ok, wussy, so don't!
Beavis: Yeah! Besides, I already said the bomb was in a locker! Um, uh... I'll, like, try to think of something COOL to blow up! [pauses] Ow! Thinking is hard!
Butt-head: Beavis, why don't you just blow up a locker with one of those?
Beavis: Ohhh, yeah! Heh-heh! That'd be cool!
Dean: Uh, guys, I never heard any of this!
Beavis: Heh-heh, splat!
[Cut to McVicker and Buzzcut standing next to Dean's locker, listening with cupped hands to their ears.]
McVicker: Uuuuuhhhh, it sounds like a bomb!
Buzzcut: It SOUNDS like an old-fashioned alarm clock! Nobody would use one of those old noisemakers if they knew how to build a real bomb! I was in demolition detail, and I can tell you that --
[The school bell rings again. McVicker jumps as if startled, crouches down and covers his head with his arms. Buzzcut regards him with scorn and a little disgust as something begins to perfume the air. While McVicker is cowering, Dean walks by them and over to his locker.]
Dean: Good morning, Mr. Buzzcut. Good morning, Principal McVicker. [dials his locker combinbation] <sniff sniff> Say, what's that smell?
McVicker: Uuuuuhhhhh, what're you doing!!???
Dean: Getting my dad's old clock for my next class. Uh, is there something wrong? [He casts a sly quick look towards Buzzcut.]
Buzzcut: No, boy, there's nothing wrong! Now get to your next class!
[Dean takes out the clock, shuts his locker, and walks away. McVicker stares dumbly at Buzzcut and the locker.]
Buzzcut: I TOLD you it was just an alarm clock, you DUMB-ASS! Now go get some clean pants on, NOW!
[Cut to lunch-time. Beavis and Butt-head are walking by the lockers. Beavis notices one where the bottom corner is not shut completely.]
Beavis: Heh-heh-heh-heh. Check this one out, Butt-head!
Butt-head: I think we have a winner!
Beavis: Yeah, heh-heh! [He pulls the bottom corner of the locker door out and sticks some of the M-80s in the space so they are wedged in.] This is gonna rule!
Butt-head: Uh, Beavis? Like, I'm gonna stand over there and watch, OK?
Beavis: Heh-heh-heh. Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever....
[Butt-head walks over to the opposite side of the open space. Another kid (the wimpy one with glasses and neat hair) approaches him.]
Student: Hey, what's that guy doing?
Butt-head: Uh, I dunno. Uh-huh-huh-huh-huh!
Student: Do you know who that kid is?
Butt-head: Uh, no. Huh-huh!
[Buzzcut is walking by and stops to check out Butt-head.]
Buzzcut: Butt-head! What is so damn funny!?
Butt-head: Uh, nothing, sir.
[Buzzcut follows Butt-head's line of sight and sees Beavis, crouched in front of the locker trying to light the fuses. Beavis is having a little difficulty in doing this due to a slight breeze blowing out his matches as soon as they light. (Anyone else would be able to deal with this, but not Beavis.) Buzzcut's view of the locker is obscured by Beavis's body.]
Buzzcut: [arms akimbo] What the hell is he doing!??
Butt-head: Uh, I dunno. Uh-huh-huh-huh.
Student: I think he's doing something bad, sir!
Beavis: Dammit, LIGHT, fartknocker, LIGHT! LIGHT! Heh-heh!
Butt-head: [to himself] Beavis, you butt-monkey!
[With his last match, Beavis gets the fuses lit. Buzzcut's attitude changes from one of disbelief at Beavis's total lack of discretion to one of profound shock.]
Beavis: [yelling to Butt-head, as if he was standing next to Beavis] YES!!! YES!!! Stand back, Butt-head!!
Butt-head: [quietly] Uh, OK, Beavis!
[The M-80s explode, blowing the locker door wide open. It flies into the locker door next to it on its hinges, bouncing off and slamming shut within a fraction of a second. All of the lockers contents -- books, papers, a jacket -- have burst into flame, and black smoke is belching from the locker door's vents. Beavis runs off, away from the locker, all the while laughing hystericaly. Buzzcut literally SWOOPS down on him from behind and grabs him by the neck. Beavis keeps laughing uncontrollably, eyes wide.]
Buzzcut: BEAVIS!!!! You ARE in SERIOUS TROUBLE this time, boy!!! I am going to KICK YOUR ASS BIG-TIME for this!!! [He drags the still-laughing, eyes-wide Beavis by the neck off to the Principal's office building.]
Butt-head: Huh-huh-huh! That was COOL!
[Cut to Butt-head an Dean standing under a tree on the schoolgrounds.]
Dean: And so they pulled me out of BOTH CLASSES to ask me about the clock and what I knew about Beavis! But I didn't tell 'em anything! I just said Beavis told me he was going to do "something" but I didn't believe him. I mean, Beavis says stuff all the time and I never believe anything he says!
Butt-head: You MISSED it, dude! You shoulda been there! It was cool, and you missed it! Beavis got his ass kicked! And I told them he did it all!
[Beavis, with one eye blackened, walks up to them, still laughing.]
Dean: WOW, Beavis! What happened to you???
Beavis: Heh-heh-heh, I, I, heh-heh-HEH-heh-heh, I got, heh-heh. I got EXPELLED from SCHOOL! Meheh-heh-heh-heh! And I never have to come back!!
Butt-head: Whoa! Really? That's pretty cool.
Dean: GOSH, Beavis!
Butt-head: Hey, Beavis, how come you have all the good luck?
Beavis: Ummmm, I dunno! Heh-heh, "Right place at the right time"? Um, "Practice makes perfect," and stuff, I guess. "Thank you, drive through!" Heh-heh!
Butt-head: You're pretty funny sometimes, Beavis!
Beavis: Um, I know, Butt-head! And I RULE!
[Beavis and Butt-head start to laugh uncontrollably. After a few seconds, Dean joins them with his own demonic chuckle.]
[MUSIC. FADE OUT.]
Message-ID: From: "D.G. Porter" X-Mailer: Mozilla 2.01E-PBWE (Win95; I) MIME-Version: 1.0 Newsgroups: alt.fan.beavis-n-butthead Subject: "BUTT VOTE!!!" Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Lines: 519 Date: Wed, 06 Jan 1999 15:28:15 -0800 NNTP-Posting-Host: 207.214.188.208 X-Complaints-To: [email] X-Trace: typhoon-sf.snfc21.pbi.net 915665211 207.214.188.208 (Wed, 06 Jan 1999 15:26:51 PDT) NNTP-Posting-Date: Wed, 06 Jan 1999 15:26:51 PDT Organization: SBC Internet Services Path: [address] Xref: 139.134.5.33 alt.fan.beavis-n-butthead:413
BEAVIS & BUTT-HEAD: "BUTT VOTE!!" by David G. Porter, August 23, 1998
[Scene: Beavis & Butt-head are sitting on the curb of a street in Highland. Beavis is playing wih some goo he's found in the gutter on the end of a stick. Butt-head is watching him, chuckling.]
Butt-head: Hey Beavis. What is that crap, anyway?
Beavis: Um, I dunno. I think it's dead.
Butt-head: Beavis, put that stuff back where you found it!
Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head! It's mine! For me to play with, heh!
Butt-head: OK, Beavis.
[They sit for a few more moments. Beavis finally tires of his new "toy" and tooses it over his shoulder. It lands with a mild "splat!" on the card table of a voter registrar (Tom Anderson) set up in front of a store.]
Anderson: HEY! What the hell! [He sees Beavis & Butt-head sitting a few feet away from his table.] Boy, did you throw this crap on my table!?
Beavis: Um, what?
Butt-head: Yeah. What?
Anderson: I said, did you throw this crap on my table!?
Butt-head: Uh-huh-huh-huh-huh! No.
Anderson: [gets up and confronts them] Boy, I KNOW you're lyin' to me! Now get over here and get rid of it! [He grabs Butt-head and yanks him over to the table.] NOW, boy!
[Butt-head stares at the goo. It has landed on a voter registration card. He starts chuckling. Beavis also starts chuckling from the short distance away. Butt-head picks up the card, wads it up and throws it in the gutter.]
Butt-head: It's done.
Anderson: What the hell!?? Ah, DAMMIT! Boy, I'm gonna teach you respect for other peoples' property!
Butt-head: No you're not. [He upends the table so it's contents are scattered on the ground and it is lying between him and Anderson.] Uh-huh-huh-huh! That was cool!
Anderson: WHY YOU SON OF A BITCH! [He punches Butt-head in the stomach.]
Butt-head: UHH! [Falls down.]
[Just then David van Driessen runs over.]
DvD: Now hold on here! What's going on!?
Anderson: This little punk knocked my table over!
DvD: Now wait a second. Butt-head, that was not a very nice thing to do.
Anderson: Son, take your damn hippie crap and get outa here! I'm gonna deal with this son of a bitch MY way!
DvD: Now hold on. That kind of violence never solves anything. Is anything really damaged that badly?
Anderson: Well, I guess not. They're all just blank forms. It's been a real slow day out here, and I suppose if he were to just pick 'em all up it would be all right with me. [He picks up the table.]
DvD: I have an idea on how to turn this into a learning experience. Butt-head, pick up these cards for Mr. Anderson, and then I'm going to teach you why voting and registering is an important part of our society.
Butt-head: This sucks.
DvD: Come on. There's even a way you can make money by participating in the American electoral process.
Butt-head: Uhh, really??
DvD: Yes, it's true. And if you pick up these cards I'll tell you how it's done.
[Beavis runs over.]
Beavis: Hey, wait! Um, I wanna make some money too! Why should Butt-head get it all!??
DvD: Beavis you can *both* make yourself a small amount of money by working for the major political parties when you register people to vote. Now please, if you two pick up Mr. Anderson's materials, I'll take you down to Republican party headquarters and show you what it involves. Come on. 'N-kay?
Anderson: Now hold on. It just ain't right to reward these little punks for their delinquent behavior! Back when I was in the service, a fellow could get shot for this kind of vandalism!
DvD: Now just let's all calm down and take a constructive approach to this. If these boys could learn that there is an upside to positive behavior, it might have a lasting effect on them. Now, Butt-head, pick up Mr. Anderson's materials.
[Butt-head picks up a handful of cards and drops them unceremoniously on Anderson's now-righted table.]
DvD: Come on, Butt-head, you have to pick them *all* up.
Beavis: Um, I'm picking some up too, sir. [He grabs a handful and plops them onto the table.]
DvD: Very good, Beavis.
Butt-head: Beavis, you wuss!
Beavis: Shut up, fartknocker! I'm gonna make some money!
Butt-head: Uh, oh yeah. [He grabs another handful of the cards and plops them onto the table.]
Beavis: Hey, don't take so many! [He grabs another handful.]
[Soon they have picked up all the cards.]
DvD: Very good, boys. Now follow me and I'll introduce you to the rewards of participation in the electoral system.
Butt-head: Yeah, whatever.
Beavis: Heh-heh, when do we start making money? MONEY!
DvD: All in good time, boys all in good time.
[Fade.]
[Scene: Van Driessen has taken them to the local GOP headquarters. They are standing outside the building. Van Driessen is holding a batch of registration forms in his hands. He is attempting to explain the registration-by-mail procedures to them.]
DvD: Now boys, it's important to remember that you have to allow every person to register in whatever party they choose. But for every potential voter who registers for the Republican party, you can get paid fifty cents, once you're registered with party headquarters as an official registrant. And when we're done here, I'll take you over to Democatic party headquarters and register you with them as well, so you'll get paid for almost every voter you sign up. Won't *that* be fun?
Butt-head: Uhhhh...
DvD: Come on. It's easy. You don't have to do anything but bring the cards back to each party's headquarters. You don't have to write anything down or have anything to do with the cards except bring them in. That's the wonder of our new "Motor Voter" law! It encourages everybody to participate in our representative democracy!
[The boys just stand there.]
DvD: It's easy. When the box is checked here [he indicatewd a place on the card], you drop them off in this building. And when the box is checked here [indicating another place], you drop them off at our next stop. And if it's checked anywhere else, you simply drop them in the mail, but you won't get paid for those.
Butt-head: Uh, what?
Beavis: That sucks!
DvD: Come on, boys, you have to promise to register everybody who wants to register. 'N-kay. Now lets' go over to the Democratic party headquartes and get you registered with them too. Remember, the sooner you start registering voters, the sooner you get paid for your work.
Beavis: Hey, Butt-head. This is almost like working.
Butt-head: Uh, yeah.
DvD: Let's go, boys.
[Fade.]
[Scene: Beavis & Butt-head are sitting at a table much like the one Tom Anderson was using. No one is coming up to their table.]
Beavis: Butt-head, this sucks! We're not going to make any money this way!
Butt-head: [thinks for a while -- a light bulb goes of above his head in a thought balloon] Hey, Beavis! Let's register ourselves!
Beavis: Hey! That's a good idea, Butt-head!
Butt-head: Uhhhh, hm. [He looks at the card.] Uhhhhh.... oh yeah! [He starts to fill it out, following the instructions on the card.] OK, Beavis, just copy what I did but put your own name at the top.
Beavis: Um, Butt-head, you didn't say anything about having to write stuff down.
Butt-head: Beavis, get your whiney ass in gear and just copy what I did!
[Beavis starts to work on the form. Butt-head takes another one and starts to fill it out.]
Butt-head: OK, Beavis, now this time we register in that other group.
Beavis: Um, OK. Heh, this isn't so hard after all!
[Just now a group of four older (fat) ladies come up to the table.]
1st lady: 'Scuse me.
[They ignore her.]
1st lady: 'SCUSE ME!
[They still ignore her.]
1st lady: YOU!!!
Butt-head: Uh, yeah?
1st: We wanna register to vote.
Butt-head: Uh, okay! So like, fill out these forms, or something.
[The ladies each take a form and fill it out. They hand them to Butt-head.]
1st lady: Well?
Butt-head: Well what?
1st: You're s'posed to tear off that tag at the bottom and give it to me.
Butt-head: Uh, why?
1st lady: So if you don't turn it in I can get your ass kicked, that's why!
Butt-head: Uh, okay. [He tears off the four tags.] Here you go, ma'am.
[The ladies leave. Beavis looks at the forms.]
Beavis: This sucks, Butt-head! They checked off a different box!
Butt-head: Uh, which one did they pick?
Beavis: [reading] Re--, ree--fer, heh-heh, "reefer."
Butt-head: Beavis, gimme that! Uh, they checked off the Reform party. They want to vote for that Ross Perot dude.
Beavis: That sucks! We don't get paid for those!
Butt-head: Uh, Beavis, I got another idea. Let's just cross that out and mark them Republican.
Beavis: Hey, that's a good idea, Butt-head! You're pretty smart!
Butt-head: Seize the day, Beavis!
[Fade.]
[Scene: Later that day. Beavis and Butt-head are walking down the street. Each of them is holding two dollars.]
Butt-head: You see, Beavis? We each got two dollars for that.
Beavis: Cool! Let's go get some nachos!
[Fade.]
[Scene: The Registrar's office.]
1st clerk (young man): Ma'am? We have some contradictory forms here for a "Buff-coat" and "Beaver." One pair of cards is marked Republican and one is marked Democrat.
2nd clerk (older Texas woman): Well, they probably changed their minds after they heard somethin' on TV. Tell ya what, mark 'em down as "Republican," and if they wanna change it back they can always change it ag'in.
1st clerk: Uh, isn't it a little risky or presumptuous deciding for them what they want to be?
2nd clerk: Hey! This is a Republican district! The party needs out support! Didn't you hear what Rush said this mornin'? Bein' a Democrat is close to bein' unpatriotic! Now the party needs our coopertion if it's gonna keep an eye on that draft-dodger in the White House! Now just do as yer told! I'm the boss here! I set the policy!
1st clerk: Uh, okay....
2nd clerk: Ya know we wouldn't-a had this problem 'cept that draft-dodgin' marijoowanna-smoking hippie signed that damned "Motor voter" law in the first place! If'n George Bush had been re-elected as he was s'posed t' be, none of this would be makin' all this extra work fer us! [Aside:] Honestly....
[Fade.]
[Scene: Election day. We see the inside of the Republican headquarters. A party volunteer is working the phones.]
Volunteer: Hello, Mr. Head? Hi, my name is Tanquerey. Have you voted yet today?
Butt-head: [listening on the line at the other end, sitting on the couch with Beavis] Uh, no.
Volunteer: Well, would you like someone to come to your house and drive you to the polling place, hon?
Butt-head: [laughing] You said "poling"!
Volunteer: Um, yes. Now, we can have someone out there to pick you up in a few minutes. Will that be all right, sugar?
Butt-head: Uh, I guess. [Hangs up the phone.] Uh, Beavis? Someone is gonna, like, take us to a "poling" place, or something.
Beavis: Heh-heh! "Poling"!
Butt-head: Yeah. "Our poles are rising."
[They continue to watch some noisy TV. There is a knock at the door.]
Butt-head: Beavis, go see who that is.
[Beavis goes to the door and opens it.]
Beavis: Um, hello?
Driver: Yes, I'm here to pick up a Mr. Head?
Beavis: Oh. OK. Butt-head! It's for you!
Butt-head: [comes over to the dor] Uhhh, hello?
Driver: Yes, can we get going? I have a lot of work to do today.
Beavis: Can I come too?
Driver: Whatever.
[All three get into the driver's car and they take off down the street.]
[Scene: The polling place.]
[The boys walk up to the first clerk at the table, a middle-aged lady.]
Butt-head: Uh, like, we were brought here for "poling."
Clerk: Oh, okay. You boys got any I.D.?
Butt-head: Uh, no.
Clerk: Well, what's yer name?
Butt-head: Uh, Butt-head.
Clerk: [looking through the roster] Oh! Here y'are. Here's yer ballot. [To Beavis] What's yer name?
Beavis: Beavis, heh!
Clerk: Yep, here you are two. My oh my, it sure is heartenin' t' see our young people makin' the right choice when it comes to pickin' a party affiliation! Here's your ballot. Now just go on over to the booth and vote yer conciences.
Beavis: [to Butt-head] Um, Butt-head? They didn't say anything about having to take a test....
Butt-head: Don't worry about it, Beavis, just do what we always do on a test.
Beavis: Okay. [pause] Um, Butt-head? What did we do that last time we took a test?
Butt-head: Uh, I just made a bunch of marks on the paper and you copied it. And we failed! Uh-huh-huh-huh!
Beavis: Oh yeah. Heh, that was pretty cool!
Butt-head: Yeah.
They both go into a single booth. We see them inside the booth, marking the ballots. They come out and go back to the clerk.]
Butt-head: Uh, we're done.
Clerk: OK, just give it to the man over there and he'll drop it in the box. By the way, save yer stubs, as some places are givin' out free coffee for people who voted.
[They give the man at the othr end of the table their ballots. He tears off the stubs and gives them to the boys.]
2nd Clerk: Thank y'all fer votin' t'day. Hmm, say you boys look a little young. Are you sure you're over 18?
Butt-head: Uh-huh-huh-huh, huh-huh-huh-huh! "Yes."
Beavis: Hm-meh-hm-meh-heh! Yeah. What he said.
2nd clerk: Well, you boys have a nice day now!
[They leave the polling place just as one of the four women from before is arguing with the 1st clerk.]
1st lady: I did NOT register as a Republican, I registered in the Reform party!
1st clerk: Well, seein' as how this is a general election it don't make no difference which ballot you get! Now just go vote and then you can re-register later! Damn! Some people don't appreciate how fortunate they are t' live in a democracy!
[Cut to outside. David van Driessen meets Beavis and Butt-head outside the polling place.]
DvD: Well, it's nice to see you boys active in civic affairs. Are you helping out the volunteers today?
Butt-head: Uh, we just took a test, and stuff.
Beavis: Yeah. I don't think I got a lot of the answers right.
DvD: Really? What kind of a test was it?
Butt-head: Uh, it was, like, a bunch of cards with places for us to mark.
DvD: [horrified] Boys, you didn't VOTE, did you??
But-head: Uh, yeah.
DvD: Boys, you aren't OLD enough to vote! This is voter fraud, and that's a very SERIOUS breach of the federal law!
Butt-head: Uh, so what? Nobody said anything to us about it.
Beavis: Yeah! They even drove us here!
DvD: Boys, this is not good. [realizing:] You didn't REGISTER youselves to vote, did you?
Butt-head: Uhhhh.... huh?
DvD: Boys, when you were filling out peoples' cards back then, did you fill out cards yourselves?
Beavis: Heh, I did! I got two bucks!
DvD: Oh no! Oh dear, I could be held accountable a an accomplice for this! Boys, I don't want you to tell anyone what you've done, and I want you to PROMISE me you won't vote again until you're 18 years old, 'n-kay?
Butt-head: Uh, okay. I didn't like taking a stupid test anyway. [They leave.]
DvD: Oh dear, what have I done? I've committed an indirect election fraud. I wonder if I still have the moral authority to cast my own vote now....
[Fade.]
[Scene: Beavis and Butt-head are sitting on the couch watching TV and channel-surfing. Every station is covering the election result.]
Butt-head: Dammit, I hate it when everything on TV sucks!
TV announcer: And among the results of today's voting in Highland, a complete route of all environmental laws was passed by a mere two votes in a stunning victory for backers of a "fair use" initiative that has been hotly contested for the last three months.
Beavis: Hey! BUTT-HEAD! CHECK IT OUT! I GOT THAT ONE RIGHT! I ACTUALLY GOT A RIGHT ANSWER ON A TEST!
Butt-head: Yeah! Uh, I think I did too! Life is pretty cool sometimes, Beavis.
Annoncer: And in another vote, by a similar two-vote margin, an active member of the notorious Knights of the Ku Klux Klan was elected to the state legislature. He is expected to assume a major post in the new body following this major realignment along party lines in state and local government.
Butt-head: Hey Beavis, I think we both got that answer right too! Life doesn't get any better than this, Beavis.
[Music. Fade.]
[Author's note: In 1982 my wife and I moved to a different city and were aproached by two young boys (aged 12 or so) who registered us to vote at our new address with postcard registration. (In California we have had this system for years, long before "Motor voter" became law.) A week later we were told that our original party choice had been scratchd out and that we had been registered as Republicans. After we changed our affiliation, we pursued this matter at the county level and then at the state level. No action was taken. In fact, all governmental officials (mostly Republicans but one Democrat too) seemed quite put out that we were even pursuing the matter. Just a thought for today.]
Message-ID: From: "D.G. Porter" X-Mailer: Mozilla 2.01E-PBWE (Win95; I) MIME-Version: 1.0 Newsgroups: alt.fan.beavis-n-butthead Subject: "INDUSTRIAL ELECTRIC!" Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Lines: 426 Date: Wed, 06 Jan 1999 15:22:40 -0800 NNTP-Posting-Host: 207.214.188.208 X-Complaints-To: [email] X-Trace: typhoon-sf.snfc21.pbi.net 915664875 207.214.188.208 (Wed, 06 Jan 1999 15:21:15 PDT) NNTP-Posting-Date: Wed, 06 Jan 1999 15:21:15 PDT Organization: SBC Internet Services Path: [address] Xref: 139.134.5.33 alt.fan.beavis-n-butthead:418
"BEAVIS AND BUTT-HEAD: INDUSTRIAL ELECTRIC" D.G. Porter 07/18/95 (revised 1997) [based in part on real-life incidents]
[Part 1]
[Beavis and Butt-head are walking down the road to their usual hang-out field on a Sunday afternoon. They get there and find the place has been partly developed and a new neighborhood section is under construction. Street areas have been laid out (but not yet paved), and several houses have uncovered walls erected.]
Butt-head: Hey, Beavis! Check it out, they're building houses in our field!
Beavis: That sucks! I hate housing!
Butt-head: Let's go check it out.
Beavis: [looking at the houses under construction] Um, this really sucks, Butt-head!
Butt-head: Yeah. Whoa! Beavis, look at all this cement here. [He walks up to several bags of powdered cement mix.] I got an idea. See if the water is turned on in one of these houses.
[Beavis walks up to a house construct with a hose attached to its water spigot. He picke up the hose and looks into it while turning on the spigot. A jet of water sprays him in the face.]
Beavis: AAAHHH!! <cough, cough> Um, I think this one is turned on, Butt-head.
Butt-head: Shut up and bring bring it over here, dill-wad. Here, stick it in this bag. "Bag," huh-huh!
[Butt-head pokes a hole in the top bag with a piece of scrap lying around. Beavis shove the running hose into the bag and Butt-head rips the other bags open.]
Butt-head: This is cool!
Beavis: Yeah! That bag's filling up with water!
[The water begins to spill out onto the other bags of cement mix. They look at it and laugh. Then Butt-head spys something else a few feet away.]
Butt-head: Beavis! Check this out! [He goes over to a large burlap sack and looks inside it.]
Beavis: What is it, Butt-head?
Butt-head: It's a bag of joints.
Beavis: Cool! Let's smoke one and go see those chicks again!
Butt-head: No, dumb-ass, it's a bag of metal joints. You can't smoke these!
Beavis: It might be cool to try.
Butt-head: [gets an idea looking at a large excavated pit nearby] Uhhh, let's throw 'em into that hole over there.
Beavis: Yeah! Cool!
[They drag the sack (and it's heavy) over to the edge of the pit. Once there, they start swinging it back and forth.]
Butt-head: ...One...two...THREE! [The bag spills into the pit, and all the joints fall every which-way.] Haul buns, Beavis! [They run away.]
[After a short distance, they get tired and slow to a walk. They come upon a small supplies trailer.]
Beavis: Check it out, Butt-head. A trailer! Heh-heh, I'm gonna live in one of these when I grow up.
Butt-head: Beavis, you'll never live in your own place! You'll still be living with your mom when you're an old man! You're not good at anything and you can't do anything!
Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head! I will too have my own trailer! Maybe I'll just take this one off and live in it!
Butt-head: Yeah, right. [reading the words onthe side of the trailer:] "In... In-dust...trial...uh, El...erect...Electric..."
Beavis: What's it say, Butt-head? "Beavis's trailer"?
Butt-head: It says "Industrial Electric," butt-hole! [tries the door] Unh! And they locked the door too!
Beavis: That sucks! I hate locks! They keep you from getting inside things! I'm gonna BREAK IT! [He picks up a rock and throws it through the small plate-glass window inthe side of the trailer.] Ummm-EH!!! Heh-heh-heh-heh!
[Just then Clark Cobb comes riding by on a bicycle. He has seen Beavis breaking the trailer's window. He stops next to Beavis. He does not see Butt-head, who is out of sight behind the other side of the trailer.]
Cobb: Hey! Boy, what're you doin'? That's not your property!
Beavis: Um, so what, butt-hole! What's it to ya?
Cobb: Son, I have a good mind to call the police and report you for wanton vandalism! I have a 5-year old son in Bible Study class right now, and he has more sense than to do that!
Beavis: He must be a real wuss. And you both suck!
Cobb: You better learn some respect for peoples' property, boy! And some repsect for your elders too! As a Christian it is my duty to report all acts of vandalism --
Beavis: Aw, SHUT UP, butt-hole! I'm sick and tired of your crap! And you can bite my wiener too!
Cobb: Boy, when you mess with a Christian you mess with the Lord. Now I
Message-ID: From: "D.G. Porter" X-Mailer: Mozilla 2.01E-PBWE (Win95; I) MIME-Version: 1.0 Newsgroups: alt.fan.beavis-n-butthead Subject: "ERIN GO BRAGH-LESS!" Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Lines: 300 Date: Wed, 06 Jan 1999 15:27:22 -0800 NNTP-Posting-Host: 207.214.188.208 X-Complaints-To: [email] X-Trace: typhoon-sf.snfc21.pbi.net 915665153 207.214.188.208 (Wed, 06 Jan 1999 15:25:53 PDT) NNTP-Posting-Date: Wed, 06 Jan 1999 15:25:53 PDT Organization: SBC Internet Services Path: [address] Xref: 139.134.5.33 alt.fan.beavis-n-butthead:410
Beavis & Butt-head: "ERIN GO BRAGH-LESS!" by D.G. Porter, 08/19/98
[Scene: Beavis & Butt-head are wandering through Highland on St. Patrick's Day. They come across an office space with a sign in the window reading "Erin Go Bragh." Butt-head stops at the sign and starts to laugh. Beavis joins him.]
Beavis: Um, Butt-head? What's so funny?
Butt-head: It says something about a chick named Erin and her bra. Uh-huh-uh-huh-huh!
Beavis: Oh yeah. Heh! That's pretty funny. <pause> Um, so what's it say?
Butt-head: Uhhh, I dunno. [Reads.] "Erin ... go ... bra -- brahhh ...."
Beavis: "Erin go butt!" Meheheheheh!
Butt-head: Um, I think Erin is one of those "A.S.S. Scan" chicks that Stewart found on the computer.
Beavis [eyes growing wide] Ohhhhh, yeahhhhh, heheheHEHeheheh! "Erin Right Now!"
Butt-head: No, Beavis, you dumb-ass, you're thinking of "Women Right Now," and they kicked your ass.
Beavis: Shut up, fartknocker, they kicked you ass too, heheh!
Butt-head: Beavis, just shut up before *I* kick your ass. Hey, Beavis, let's go in here and see if that Erin chick is here.
[They go inside the store-front. Inside are various Ireland-related materials.]
Beavis: Um, Butt-head? Do they have anything on that stupid Ireland model chick in here?
Butt-head: Beavis, this isn't a food store, and they don't have chicken!
Beavis: No, no, that Ireland chick! You know, the real skinny one with that high voice?
Butt-head: Beavis, if you -- WHOA! Check it out, Beavis! I think this is something about that fat chick in the blue dress who did it with that old dude.
[Butt-head takes a brochure for the I.R.A. off from a counter dispenser.]
Butt-head: Look, Beavis, this is that R.N.A. stuff they found on her dress.
Beavis: NO WAY! They can't put that in the store! It's, like, illegal or something.
Butt-head: Uhhhh, hm. Maybe it's that gun outfit, you know, the guys who defend your rights to keep and arm bears, and that guy who farted in the Dead Sea.
Beavis: Ohhhhhhh yeah. We oughta join that club. Then we could get some explosives and blow stuff up, and set FIRES!
Butt-head: Beavis....
[The store clerk comes up to them. He speaks with a heavy Irish brogue.]
Clerk: Well, me boys, I couldn't help but notice your interest in the Irish Republican Army. Wouldja be interested in helpin' us out with a little service for a good cause now?
[They just stand there.]
Clerk: Now boys, there's nothin' wrong with the IRA now, we're just another benevolent organization trying to free Eire-land from the oppresion of the Orangemen. You've got nothin' t' be afraid of speakin' yer minds.
Butt-head: Uhhhhh....
Clerk: So you be speakin' your mind on the IRA, then?
Beavis: Ummmmmm, heh!
Butt-head: Uh, wait a minute. Um, isn't this the group that blows up buildings and stuff?
Beavis: YEAH! YEAH! BLOW STUFF UP!
Clerk: [sotto-voce] Boys, boys, keep it down about those things! We don't want to be bringin' the law down on our store here! But if you boys are interested in joinin' the Army, and I think I can see you are, then all you need to do is go to this address and sign up! [regular voice] Well, then, boys, it's been good chattin' with ya, now off with you and have a good day! [He hustles them out the door.]
Beavis: Hey Butt-head! Where's that place we were supposed to go to get stuff to blow up?
Butt-head: [studying the address on the brochure] Uhhhhhhhh ... um, oh yeah. I think it's this way.
[He starts off down a side street. Beavis follows. They turn down a dark alley and come to a back door of a large building. Beavis pushes the doorbell buttton. A man answers it and looks them over.]
Man: Whatcha be wantin' here?
Butt-head: Uhhh, I dunno.
Man: Then get yerselves outa here! NOW!
Beavis: Um, some guy sent us here.
Man: Mmmm? Whatcha got there? [He takes the brochure from Butt-head.] Oh-ho now! Brother O'Reilly sent ya! Well, get in here quick! [He hustles them inside and shuts the door.]
[Once inside the boys find themselves in the midst of a circle of people in a low-lit room. The men are talking about something in Irish, and passing around a whiskey bottle. Eventually one of the men hands the bottle to Beavis, who takes a big swig off it before he knows what he is doing.]
Beavis: ACK! <urp!> Heh-heh. Whoa! That's hot stuff!
Butt-head: Beavis, you wuss, gimme that! [Takes it and also takes a swig.] UUUHHHH! [woozily:] Uh huh huh huh, that's good stuff....
[Circles circle the boys' heads at oblique angles indicating mild intoxication.]
Beavis: Paint thinner is better.
[The men, who have been studying the boys, laugh at this last line.]
2nd man: These boys are all right! Have another swig or two!
[Fast-action sequence (such as seen in "Friday Night" to indicate an elapsed period of time) showing the boys being indoctrinated and outfitted with training objects, and also drinking some more whiskey.]
Man: So you boys ready to see home again?
Butt-head: Uhhhhhhhh.... [he falls to the floor, passed out]
Beavis: Heh-heh, what a wussy .... [he too falls down, passed out]
[Suddenly an alarm sounds.]
2nd man: Uh-oh, Liam, it's a bust. We'd better be gettin' out o' here, now!
3rd man: What about these two?
1st Man: Bring 'em. They've seen too much and they can't handle their liquor!
[They grab the boys and throw them in a trunk, which they carry off as they leave the building through the basement.]
[Scene: The boys awake in Ireland the next day. They are greeted by one of the men from the big building.]
Man: Boys, it's good to have you with us again! We had to leave headquarters and get back home in a hurry.
Butt-head: Uh, okay.
Man: Would you be willing to prove your loyalty to the cause?
Butt-head: Uh, I guess.
Beavis: Are we gonna blow something up yet?
Man: Ho, boys, I like enthusiasm! Well, I tell you the truth, there's some people who have sold out the cause, and we're having to teach them a little lesson or two. Would you be interested in helpin' us out now?
Beavis: Yeah! Yeah! Blow stuff up!
Butt-head: Yeah.
Man: [sizing the boys up again] Hmmmm. Yes, that's right! You'll do! [He gives them a briefcase.] Boys, take this to this address and leave it there in a corner or someplace out of the way. Don't tell anyone what you're about. If anyone asks what you're doin', just leave and take the case with you. Then go back later and be sure to leave it in an out-of-the-way place where no one will see it for a good while. And whatever you do, don't be forgettin' that it's for a good cause.
Butt-head: Uh, okay. [Takes the briefcase.]
Man: Now off with ya! [Shoves them out the door into the open.] Here, get yourself something to eat too. [Hands them some money & closes the door.]
Beavis: Um, Butt-head, this doesn't look like Highland.
Butt-head: Uhhh, you're right for once, Beavis.
[They wander about aimlessly.]
Butt-head: Dammit, Beavis, I'm tired! Let's get something to eat and forget this crap!
Beavis: Heh, that's a good idea, Butt-head.
[Butt-head tosses the briefcase into a dark corner near where they are and they go off to an eatery down the street. When they are inside, they buy some food and start eating. A policemen is eyeing them suspiciously. Finally he approaches them.]
Policeman: You boys got any identification?
Butt-head: Uhhhh, no.
Beavis: Um, no, heh!
Policeman: Where are you boys from?
Butt-head: Uh, Highland.
Policeman: Scotland?
Butt-head: No, butt-munch, Highland Texas! We're no damn forriners!
Policeman: You have visas?
Butt-head: Uh, no, we don't have any money to get a Visa.
Policeman: Really. How'd you get here without a visa?
Butt-head: Um, some guys, like, brought us here.
Beavis: Yeah, heh-heh! We were kidnapped by some forriners!
Policeman: I see. Well, you'd better be coming with me then. This is no place to be without a visa. [He handcuffs them together.] Come along, come along. [He escorts them out of the building.]
[Scene: Beavis & Butthead are in the police station. The policemen are discussing what to do with them and looking at documents. Shift of shots from the boys to the police. One of the policemen finally comes over to them.]
Policemen: Right, then, you boys are going to be guests of Her Majesty's government on a one-way ticket out of the country!
Butt-head: Uh, does that mean we're going back to Highland?
Policeman: It does. But first we'll have you look at some pictures.
Beavis: Heh! Is it porn?
Policeman: Certainly not! It's pictures of some men.
Beavis: AAHH! I don't want to look at some dude's schlong!
Policeman: No, no, it's just pictures of their faces.
Beavis: That sucks.
[They are escorted into another room. Hours pass and they are eventually driven to an airport and put on a plane back to the United States. As the policeman puts them on the plane, he turns and mutters to himself, "What a couple of stupid kids!"]
[Scene: A few months later. Beavis and Butt-head are back home watching television. The news program is on. There has been a terrible bombing in Northern Ireland. The parties responsible claim to have tried to warn people about the bomb prior to its going off, but they seem to have given the authorities the wrong address, and many people have been hurt.]
Beavis: Heh-heh! Um, hey Butt-head. That looks like that place we left that thing.
Butt-head: Uhhh, what?
Beavis: That thing, you know, in that place.
Butt-head: Oh yeah. Huh-huh-huh-huh. It blew up and killed people.
Beavis: Oh yeah, heh-heh. Um, Butt-head? That's kind of messed up.
Butt-head: Uh, hmm.
[They watch a little more of the news program.]
Beavis: This sucks. Change it! [He hits the remote button and a music video comes on the TV.]
[END]
[Pretty messed up. --DGP]
Spank you very much.
Come to Antonia