Howdy ho, it's us again (Kim <GUMPELS> and Lindsay <LilRose33>) We got together and finished Blunder Years Pt. 2, which you have probably all been waiting for. We think this turned out better than the original, and here it is:
The Blunder Years II
Scene: Cartman's Cheezy poof Factory
(Cartman is sitting at his desk. An intercom sits in front of him. We hear a loud bell. Jenkins, Cartman's secratary, is at his desk just outside Cartman's office. He speaks over the intercom.)
Jenkins: (Beep) Sir, it's five o'clock. Quitting time for me.
Cartman: (Speaks over the intercom while munching on cheezy poofs) Me too.
Jenkins: But sir, the factory-
Cartman: Don't talk back to me! I'm taking the afternoon off to count my money.
Jenkins: Okay.....Goodbye, sir. (Click)
Cartman: Well, alone for the afternoon......with my money.....and my cheezy poofs......and my pot pie.......What could go wrong? (Dramatic music plays) Hey, what was that?? -------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------------
Scene: A bus stop
(People are stepping onto the bus. Cartman is at the back of the loading line to get on the bus. He is wearing a trench coat and hat. He gets on the bus.)
Cartman: (To himself) I hate Mass-transit. It's so squished!
(The screen splits in half and a young, 8year-old Stan appears)
Young Stan: Maybe that's because your such a fatass, Cartman!
Cartman: AY! I'm not fat! I'm wearing a big shirt!
(Screen returns to normal. Cartman reaches into his trench coat and withdraws a pot pie. He begins munchiing on it, spewing crumbs everywhere)
Lady: (She was sittig next to cartman, but now she stands up straight) You sicko! You just got my dress all dirty!
Cartman: (Looks up from his meal) Well SO-RRY!!
Lady: Ugh!!! -------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------------
Scene: Cartman's House
(Cartman stumbles into the door.)
Cartman: Oh Barbie! Barbie Doll! My lovely wife Barbie! Your honey is home and he's very hungry!!! (Pause) BARBIE!! WHERE'S MY DINNER!! BARBIE!! (Slams his fist down onto the table. A note falls to the floor. He picks it up and reads it aloud)
////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// ///////////////////////////////////////////////////// Dear Eric,
You have probably noticed that I have left. I left for four reasons:
- You are fat
- You smell
- I had an affair with Jenkins
- I'm pregnant with Jenkins' baby
So when you see that I am not here, do not be alarmed. I'm with Jenkins. Oh yeah! I sold the house and took all the money in the safe.
Love and Kisses,
Barbie
////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// /////////////////////////////////////////////////////
Cartman: WHAT!? (Runs to the safe and opens it. It is empty) NNOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! (Runs to the phone. He dials a number. While the phone rings he speaks) Oh, I swear, Jenkins. I'll get you AND Barbie for this! (The ringing stops) Hello, police? I was just robbed of all my money!! (Getting histerical) YOU GOTTA HELP ME!!!!
Police man (Barbrady): (He sounds very, very old. The screen splits in half and the other half shows a fat police officer munching on a doughnut on the phone) Now calm down, sir. Let's take this one step at a time. Did you by any chance see the thief?
Cartman: (begining to calm down) No, but I know what she looks like...
Barbrady: Describe...
Cartman: Well, she's kinda plastic lookin', she has blond hair, big yabos, she wears sluty clothes...
Barbrady: Do you, um, know this girl with (Glances at his list he was making while talking to Cartman) "big yabos"?
Cartman: Yeah.
Barbrady: Name?
Cartman: Barbie. She's my wife.
Barbrady: Your wife?
Cartman: Yes.
Barbrady: Well, if she was your wife, then we can't help you.
Cartman: (Getting frantic again) WHAT???
Barbrady: Well, she had the same name as you, sir. Didn't she?
Cartman: No, her first name was pita and her last name was bread.....OF CORSE she had the same name as me!!!
Barbrady: Well, Mr.-
Cartman: CARTMAN, GODDAMNIT!
Barbrady: Mr. Cartman, if she had the same last name as you, then the money that was supposivly stolen it partly hers and we cannot take that away from her.
Cartman: But......but....-
Barbrady: I'm sorry. (Hangs up and the screen returns to normal)
Cartman: (Hangs up) THIS ISN'T FAIR!!! (Grabs his coat and hat and storms out)
<Commercial> -------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------------
Scene: Cartman's Cheezy Poof Factory
(Cartman storms into his office and slams the door. As he passes, Jenkins and Barbie look up from the desk they are sitting at right outside Cartman's office. A few seconds pass and Cartman peeks out of the door and stares at them.)
Cartman: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING???!!!
Jenkins: Working.
Cartman: Working what?
Jenkins: Just working.
Cartman: You are supposed to say, 'Working, sir.' !
Barbie: You're not his boss anymore.
Cartman: Yes I am!! And you! (Advances toward her) GIVE ME BACK MY MONEY!! AND MY HOUSE!!
Barbie: (Smiles evily) They're both partly mine.
Cartman: I DON'T CARE!!!
Barbie: Oh! I forgot to tell you. I bought you a gift.
Cartman: (softens up) You did? Where?
Barbie: Well actually three gifts. I told everyone you were dead AND Jenkins became the boss here AND I became an *Executive*! Isn't it great?
Cartrman: (Faints) -------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------------
Scene: The street
(Cartman is lying on the sidewalk, still fainted)
Cartman: (Comes to) What happened? (sits up rubbing his head, pauses) Ah! Damnit!! (Runs to a payphone and dials Kyle's number)
Answering machine: Good afternoon.......
Cartman: What's so good about it?
Machine: ......You have reached the office of Mr. and Mrs. Kyle Browfloski. If you have some unresolved flatulence issues, press 1 now.
Cartman: Ah Damnit! I hate answering machines!
Machine: If you would like to apply .... for...... a..... jjjjjooooooooooooobbbbbbbbbbb.... (machine begins to slow down)
Kyle: (Picks up the phone, the screen splits in half to show Kyle in his office on the other side) Hello?
Cartman: Kyle?
Kyle: Cartman?
Both: AHHHHHHHH!!!
Kyle: Woah, dude! calm down! Now.....(Freaks out) WHY THE HELL ARE YOU CALLING ME!!!!
Cartman: Well, I know I never did this before, but, um.......
Kyle: SPIT IT OUT!!!
Cartman: and I thought you were a phycologist! (Pronounces it "Fycologist")
Kyle: (Begins to calm down) Ok.....ok....deep healing breath (takes a short breath) deep healing breath (another short breath. He folds his arms on his desk and fakes a smile) Now what were you saying cartman?
Cartman: Well, you see Barbie, she-
Kyle: Barbie?
Cartman: Yeah, she was my wife. I just went up to her and said, "Barbie, with my super genious brain, and your anorexic body, we could rule the world." And she said, "Ok, I'll get my coat!" It was as simple as that! we were married the next day! Anyway, she decided to leave me today. She left this. (takes out the crumpled up piece of paper that was Barbie's note. He reads it aloud.)
Kyle: ( cracks up. He falls on the floor laughing) Oh-Oh! Th-that is so FUNNY!!! (cannot stop laughing)
Cartman: Shut up, Jew boy!
Kyle: (still laughing, but calming down) O-haha!-ok! ha, ok fine! I'm calm.
Cartman: well anyway, I have no money, no house, no job, no ANYTHING! and I was woundering.....you got any spare rooms that you wouldn't mind using while I sleep in your bed? I mean, can I stay with you awhile?
Kyle: What? (Begins laughing again, harder) Now-now THAT is-(laughing)- THAT is the fun-funniest thing I've ever heard! Haherhehahhah!!!
Cartman: (Into the phone) WELL SCREW YOU TOO!! (Hangs up)
(The screen returns to normal)
Cartman: (pauses for a sec) Stan! Stan would know what to do!! (looks left and right) Where does he live anyway? (sees a bum on the street. walks to him) Hey, bum. You know a guy named Stan Marsh?
Bum: (Seems drunk) What? What did you say? (slurs his words)
Cartman: Well, I said HEY BUM! DO YOU KNOW A GUY NAMED STAN MARSH?
Bum: Can I touch yer nuts?
Cartman: NO Goddamnit, you sick wierdo! (Walks off)
Bum: I like touch people's nuts, isn't that right, Mr. Hat?
Bum's puppet: (old and drunk as well) That's right, Mr. Garrison. *Hiccup*
<Comertial Break> -------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------------
Scene: Stan's Apartment
(Stan is seen on the couch watching TV. Wendy is nowhere in sight.)
(The doorbell rings)
Stan: Wendy? (Pauses) Wendy?? (Pauses) WENDY!!
Wendy: (Enters the room; hands on her hips) What is it now, Stan?!
Stan: (Turns back to his TV program) Someone's at the door.
(The doorbell rings again)
Wendy: Look, Mr., I am NOT your man-slave. Or should I say woman-slave. Why don't you, for once, pick up your own garbage, clean your own clothes, and answer your own door! (Gestures to the front door)
(The doorbell starts to ring continuously)
Stan: I am not the woman around here! You are supposed to be doing that junk!
(Mutt, Stan's dog, enters the room and barks loudly)
Wendy: Oh! Sexist, are we?
Stan: Sexist? How dare YOU accuse ME of being sexist!
Wendy: Well let me tell YOU something- (You can just picture this scene. The doorbell is ringing, the dog is barking, and Wendy and Stan are at each other's throats. Cartman breaks up the angry scene.)
Cartman: (Outside the door) Open the damn door!!
(All is silent and Stanand Wendy look at eact other.)
Stan: You hide the brakeables, I'll lock up the fridge. GO!
(They both run around crazy trying to Cartmanize the house. Mutt slides under the couch, whimpering. When everything is done, Stan and Wendy stand in front of the door, ready to open it.)
Stan: Ready?
Wendy: (Straightens her dress out) I don't think we'll ever be.
Stan: That's the closest I'll get to a "yes". Ok. (Takes a breath and opens the door. Cartman stands on the other side, looking flustered and disheveled. His coat is buttened the wrong way, his hat is over one eye. Overall, he looks pissed off.)
Cartman: (takes a few breaths) I had...the most...HORENDOUS afternoon! Do you want to hear about it small boy?
Stan: Uh...
Cartman: Well I'll tell you. First of all, when I came home, I discovered that my wife, Barbie, had-
Stan: Wait-Barbie?
Cartman: Yes, now shut up and let me finish! Anyway, as I was saying, I-
Stan: Dude! You were married to Barbie?
Cartman: SHUT UP! ok, now...as I was saying before I was so RUDELY interrupted, when I came home, I discovered a note written by...I'm not gonna say it-
Wendy: Say what?
Cartman: PEOPLE TODAY! My lord! An-ny-way (Through gritted teeth) I discovered a note addressed to me from my wife. It said that she left me, had an affair with my secretary, sold my house, and took all the money in my safe.
Stan: Jenkins? BARBIE had an affair with-
Cartman: SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP! Ok...anyway, I was without a job, without a home, without money, and without (Gets this loveing look on his face) food. (He dwells on the thought awhile,then lets it go and the face of pleasure dissapears.) So I went to Kyle for help. He laughed so hard at the story that I said, "Well screw you too!" and left.
(Stan and Wendy are trying to hide huge grins, but are mostly failing)
Cartman: It's not funny!
Wendy: Oh, but it is! (Both Stan and Wendy break into a fit of laughter)
(Cartman goes to slap Wendy, but Stan grabs his blubbery hand)
Stan: Keep your stinkin' paws off my woman!
Cartman: (Draws back his hand) Well sor-ry! Anyway, let me continue. Then, I decided to go to you. But I didn't know where you lived. So, since you were a druggie-
Wendy: He's not a druggie!
Stan: And I never was one, goddamnit!!
Cartman: Whatever! Anyway, I asked a bum on the street. All he said to me was (Pauses and says the following very fast) , "Can I touch your nuts?"
Stan: He asked if he could touch your nuts? Who does he think he is? Mr. Garrison?
Cartman: OK! OK! Forget I said ANYTHING! Forget I came here! Forget I'm leaving! Forget...forget..forget...(his voice fades out, and suddenly comes back for a very loud:) for-GET! (Exits)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------------ ---------- Scene: Hollywood Studios
(Kenny is packing his bag to go home. Cartman srolls in and in confronted by the cameraguy)
Cameraguy: Excuse me, sir. May I ask why you are just strolling in here? This is a private area.
Cartman: Get outta my way! I have money! (To himself) or, I DID have money.
Cameraman: The correct way to say it is-
Cartman: I don't give a damn! (Pushes past him)
(He stands behind Kenny. Kenny turns around)
Kenny: (Mumbles, of corse) um, Cartman! What a, um, surprise.
Cartman: Kenny, I need help.
Kenny: (To himself) he just discovered this?
Cartman: What was that?
Kenny: oh, nothing...
Cartman: Kenny, take me to your house.
Kenny: Why?
Cartman: Well, I need a place to stay.
Kenny: Not at my place!
Cartman: YES at your place.
Kenny: But-
(Cartman grabs kenny by the hood and lifts him up into the air.)
Cartman: Let me stay at your house....or else.
Kenny: Too soon to die! Too soon to die! OK! OK! OK! LET ME DOWN!!
Cartman: (Lets him down with a smile) That's better. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------------
Scene: Kenny's Apartment
(Kenny opens the door and steps into the apartment. Cartman follows.)
Cartman: This is it? You are a rich stuntman. You could probably afford a better house!!
Kenny: Well, I, uh, send most of my pay to my family in-
Cartman: You send it to your FAMILY? Awwww! Such a nice boy we are, aren't we?
Kenny: Well I, uh...
Cartman: Where's the bedroom? Ah! (Runs toward the bedroom. he stands in front of Kenny's bed) OOOOHHHHH! Waterbed!
Kenny: Cartman! Noooooo!
(In slow motion, Kenny rushes to Cartman, who jumps on the bed. It bursts with a loud crash and water fills the room)
Kenny: (Trying to stay afloat) Now look what you did, fatass!
Cartman: (Mumbles to himself as he swims toward the door)
(The "Jaws" music starts to play in the backround. Kenny looks around nervously)
Kenny: Uh oh. That's the sound of the shark I keep in my waterbed for protect- (There is a chomping sound and scilence.)
<Commertial Break> -------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------------
Scene: The street
(Cartman is walking down the street in front of Kenny's apartment building)
(Suddenly, Kyle and Stan fly by)
Stan and Kyle: OH MY GOD! THEY KILLED KENNY! YOU BASTARDS!
Cartman: (Watches them fly over his head) Hey where did you guys come from?
Stan: I duno!
(They dissapear into the horizon)
Cartman: (Looks down hands in pockets)
(Suddenly Kenny's apartment building starts to overflow with water. We hear screams and see people falling out of the higher windows. cartman is oblivious to what is going on)
Cartman: Well, I have no house, I have no money, no girl, no (Sighs) food. I just realized something. My life sucks! (Cartman continues walking down the street and the screen fades out to blackness)
<The credits roll>
Moral: When faced with a guest, make sure it isn't Cartman.