OK, here it is, the conclusion to The Wizard of SP! Hope you folks like it!
Part III
(scene change to an aerial view of the red-brick road. A swarm of flying pot-bellied Garrison pigs starts circling over four figures walking down the road. The F.P-B.G.P.'s start squealing as they make their descend.)
Eric: What the hell's that squeaking sound?
S.C. Kenny: Mmph-mm-hmph-mm. ("Maybe the metal dude's ass is rusty.")
Eric: Heh-heh, yeah. Better oil up your ass there, Iron dude.
I.M. Kyle: It's not me, you fat ...(notices the swarm of F.P-B.G.P.'s) AHHH! PIGF**KERS! (I.M. Kyle hits the ground, as does E. Stan. S.C. Kenny leaps into the air and sprays before going prone. The piss heads straight for Cartman as he turns around.)
Eric: AY! Who you calling a pigfu (hit by the cat spray square in the face) OW, GODDAMMIT! YOU BLINDED ME, YOU SONOFABITCH! BAD KITTY!
(Cartman starts rubbing his eyes as the F.P-B.G.P.'s begin to take hold of him and try, quite unsuccessfully, to lift him off the ground.)
Eric: Let go of me, you guys! Stop pulling on me! (Cartman finally gets one eye open and comes face-to-face with a F.P-B.G.P.) AHHHH!!! (he starts running in circles, arms flailing wildly.) GETEMOFFAMEGETEMOFFAME ... (the F.P-B.G.P.'s get flung everywhere, impacting with trees, the ground, etc.) GETEMOFFAMEGETEM ... OFFA ... MEEEE! (Cartman collapses to the ground, a look of shock on his face, and speaks in a VERY weak voice) This place sucks ass.
E. Stan: (stands up) Dude, why are the pigf**kers after you?
Eric: (still in a state of shock, voice very weak) Don't know ... haven't ...had ham ... since before ... tornado ... need ham ...
I.M. Kyle: (standing up) You must've seriously pissed off the Wicked Bitch, er, Witch of the West-Southwest, dude.
S.C. Kenny: MMph-hmm-hmph-mm-mmm? ("What did you do, fat boy?")
Eric: (still in shock and with a very weak voice) squashed witch ... other witch ... said go ... go to wizard ... gave me damn ... hippy shoes ... from squashed witch ... I'm not fat ... I'm ...
E. Stan: That's it, dude! She's after your birkenstocks!
Eric: (comes out of shock) Huh? WHAT?!? (jumps up) YOU MEAN I GOT A PRICE ON MY HEAD 'CAUSE THAT WENDY BITCH PUT THESE DAMN THINGS ON MY FEET?!?! WHERE IS SHE?! I'LL KICK HER ASS!!!!
I.M. Kyle: Chill, dude! I don't know where she is.
E. Stan: Me either!
S.C. Kenny: Mph-mm-hmph-mmph-mmm. ("I bet the Wizard could tell you.")
Eric: Yeah! The Wizard! He'll tell me where I can find her! And after I kick her ass, I'll get him to send me home! C'mon guys! (starts down the road and begins muttering to himself, grows softer as he moves down road) kick her ass, get the hell outta this f**ked up place, get back home, have cheesy poofs and ham, get damn hippy shoes off my feet ...
E. Stan: I think the fat-ass has lost it.
I.M. Kyle: No doubt, dude.
(scene change. Shelly's castle. Shelly is standing in front of a mirror, the face of counselor Mackey is in the mirror.)
Shelly (WB, er,WWSW): What do you mean my minionsh failed?!
Mackey: They couldn't lift the little boy, he's just too fat. Mmkay? He also freaked out, freaked out bad. Your minions were thrown everywhere, they didn't stand a chance. Mmkay?
Shelly (WB, er,WWSW): I'll jusht have to get that little bashtard myshelf! (she grabs her broom and flies out the window.)
Mackey: Jeez, what a bitch. Mmkay?
(scene change. Cartman, I.M. Kyle, E. Stan and S.C. Kenny are still on the red-brick road and come upon a sign, which reads: "Entering Park South, Population: 1274". The skyline of a small mountain town can be seen in the background.)
Eric: Oh man, we made it! This must be the place! Now we've just got to find the Wizard!
(The group continues into town. As they approach the first building, Shelly, the WB, er,WWSW, jumps out in front of them.)
E. Stan, I.M. Kyle, Eric, S.C. Kenny: (in unison) AAAHHHHH!!!! (S.C. Kenny leaps into the air and sprays Shelly, soaking her in cat piss.)
Shelly (WB, er,WWSW): I've got you now, you bash ... (she starts melting) What the?! I'm melting, meelltttinnggg ... (she dissolves into a puddle of goo.)
E. Stan: Oh my God, you killed the Wicked Bitch, er, Witch of the West-Southwest!
I.M. Kyle: You bast ... no wait, that's a good thing.
Eric: Yeah, whatever. (Notices a sign above a doorway labeled "Cook's Diner") YAY! FOOD! (runs to the front door)
(scene change. Cook's Diner interior. Jesus is sitting at the counter, looking at a menu. Chef walks up behind the counter.)
Chef: So, what'll it be today Jesus?
Jesus: (puts down menu) I'll just have the usual, Cook.
Chef: One coffee and a slice of Devil's Food cake coming right up. (walks off screen)
(the door opens and Cartman, I.M. Kyle, E. Stan and S.C. Kenny walk in and sit down at the counter.)
Eric: Kewl! I can finally eat!
I.M. Kyle: Dude, we need to find the Wizard!
E. Stan: Yeah, dude, you can eat later!
Eric: Ay! I've been walking all over this damn place, been attacked by flying pig things, been pissed on and I'M HUNGRY! IWANTSOMEFOOD! (picks up menu, speaks softly to himself) ooo, salisbury steak, no wait, smoked ham ...
E. Stan: Lame ass! (turns to Jesus) Excuse me, could you tell us where we could find the Wizard?
Jesus: Well, he WAS living in the Aquamarine City ...
I.M. Kyle: That fat-ass led us to the wrong place!
Jesus: ... but he got zapped by the Wicked Bitch, er, Witch of the West-Southwest.
E. Stan: Dude, that sucks!
Eric: (still looking in the menu) ... those mountain oysters do sound pretty good ...
(Chef comes out with Jesus' order)
Chef: Here ya go Jesus. (turns to Cartman, I.M. Kyle, E. Stan and S.C. Kenny, looks a little confused) Ah, hello there, uh, children? I'm Cook. How are you doing today?
I.M. Kyle: Bad.
Chef: Why bad?
E. Stan: We were going to see the Wizard to get some fire-retardent for me, some chrome plating for the Iron dude, some Depends and a big, smelly fish for the Scaredy-Cat, and to send that lame fat-ass home, but we came to the wrong town and the Wizard's been zapped into oblivion.
Chef: That is bad. (pause) Well, maybe I can help you kids. (pulls out his wallet and starts rummaging through it) Let's see, I know it's here somewhere ... Ah, here you go. A coupon for a free chrome plating from Ted's House o' Chrome. (hands it to I.M. Kyle)
I.M. Kyle: Cool! Thanks, Cook! (walks out of the diner)
Eric: (still looking at the menu) ... or maybe some pork chops with peanut butter and bannana sauce...
Chef: And I've got an extra fire extinguisher around here. (reaches under the counter, brings out a fire extinguisher and hands it to E. Stan) Here you go.
E. Stan: Wow, thanks, Cook! (walks out of the diner)
Chef: I've got a big old trout I forgot to cook a couple of days ago. I was going to throw it out, but you can have it, cat. And I think you can get some Depends at the drug store across the street. (hands the fish to S.C. Kenny)
S.C. Kenny: Mmph-mmm-hmph-mmm! ("Thanks, Cook!") (he walks out of the diner)
(scene change. S.C. Kenny is crossing the street, doesn't notice the Mack truck barreling down the road and is squashed flat. The truck stops and the driver gets out.)
Driver: Oh my God, I killed that cat!
I.M. Kyle: (at the FAR end of the road, no zoom in, voice very soft) You bastard!
(scene change. Cook's Diner interior. Eric's still looking at the menu.)
Eric: ... hey, pickled eels with a butterscotch glaze ...
Chef: I don't know WHAT to do about this little cracker. Hmmm.
Jesus: Maybe I can help, Cook. Hey kid, do you want to get home?
Eric: (finally looks up from the menu) Huh? Uh, yes.
Jesus: (stands up) Well, then stand right here and face the door. Then tap your toes together and say "I wanna go home" three times.
Eric: Um, OK, I guess. (Cartman stands facing the door and starts tapping his toes together) <tap> I wanna go home. <tap> I wanna go home. <tap> I wanna ... (Jesus kicks Cartman in the ass, launching him through the front door. Cartman yells as he flies off, the sound of his voice growing softer as he goes.) OW, GODDAMMMMMIITTTT!!!
Chef: Damn, Jesus!
Jesus: (sitting back down) Hey, anything to help the kids.
(scene change. South Park has been devestated by the tornado. Buildings are demolished, cars are in trees, etc. A crowd of people, including Stan, Kyle, Shelly, Mr. Garrison, Chef, Jesus and others, stand around Cartman, who's lying on the front hood of a car, his head is against it's shattered windshield.)
Eric: Where ... where am I?
Stan: You're in South Park, dude! That tornado picked you up and slammed you into the windshield of this car!
Kyle: Yeah, we thought you were dead!
Eric: I'm back home? Oh man, I was in this f**ked up place called the Land of Zo, and all of you were there. Stan, you were a talking effigy. And Kyle was an Iron Man. Kenny was a scaredy-cat and Shelly was a wicked bitch ...
Shelly: What?! I'll tear you a new ...
Jesus: Remember Shelly, to forgive is divine.
Eric: ... And Mr. Garrison was a pigf**ker ...
Stan: Dude, don't say pigf**ker in front of Jesus!
Mr. Garrison: You little ass monkey, I'll slap you silly!
Jesus: Now, now, Mr. Garrison. Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Eric: ... And everyone was pretty much of an asshole. And that bastard Jesus kicked me in the ass so hard ... (a rock comes flying in and hits Cartman in the head) OW, SONOFABITCH!
Jesus: (grabbing another rock) Let's kick his ass!
Eric: (starts running from the angry, rock-throwing mob) OW! QUIT IT! CUT IT OUT GUYS! OW!
(scene fades out with Cartman being chased by the mob led by Jesus. Pink Floyd's "Eclipse" from "Dark Side of the Moon" kicks in during the fade out, at the lines "All that you slight, and everyone you fight, And all that is now, and all that is gone ..." plays through the credits, ending with the heartbeat sound at the end of the credits.)
THE END
Hope y'all enjoyed the ending to this fic. Let me know!