This is something that I wrote tonight. Anybody want me to finish the episode?
Yeah, I know, teasing sucks...
"South Park: Stop the Violence, Part I" by Xebot, 6/22/99
[SCENE: The Mayor's office]
MAYOR: Listen, the Governor's been crawling up my ass over these Columbian drug-lords who are killing our children. I want you all to come-up with a plan to save the children!
STOOGE #1: I believe that the Governor was referring to the "Colombine" tragedy.
MAYOR: [ANGRY] I don't care what country the f**kers come from, I WANT IDEAS!
STOOGE #2: We could setup metal-detectors at the entrances to every school in South Park. However, this could be very costly.
MAYOR: [SWEETLY, MOCKING] Money? Do you think I value money over the lives of our children? Well, let me be the first to welcome you and your pregnant wife to South Park's nouveau trailer trash -- YOU'RE FIRED! [SWEETLY AGAIN] Now, #1, what ideas do YOU have to save your job?
STOOGE #1: Uh, ... maybe we could get the CIA to help us with their spy satellites.
MAYOR: And what might that cost?
STOOGE #1: Nothing, if we can convince them that there are foriegn spys in South Park.
MAYOR: And how do we do that?
STOOGE #1: Well, everybody's pretty scared of Chinese spys stealing nuclear secrets. Of course, we'd have to convince some Chinese to move back to South Park.
MAYOR: Why did they leave?
STOOGE #1: Uh, well they kind-of left after their homes and businesses were burned-down.
MAYOR: Yeah, I remember, they kept our most promising quarterbacks out of college by f**king-up the curve. Do we really want them back? We've got a black cook, why can't the CIA spy on a black man?
STOOGE #1: You're thinking of the FBI. The CIA has "chinks" on the brain these days.
MAYOR: [SWEETLY] Well, how *IS* your family doing? Oh, I'm sorry. I wasn't listening. Could you please tell me again how you plan to solve this problem without chinks?
STOOGE #1: Perhaps we could convince the CIA that one of our citizens is really a Chinese spy disguised as a little, fat boy.
MAYOR: I like it. Does South Park have anyone who looks like Charley Chan without the moustache, couth, or intellect?
STOOGE #1: I'll check around. I've been screwing this crack-whore who might have some ideas.