"South Park: Stop the Violence, Part II" by Xebot, 6/24/99
[SCENE: THE BOYS ARE WALKING OUTSIDE.]
[A BASEBALL-SIZED SATELITTE BEGINS ORBITING CARTMAN'S HEAD.]
CARTMAN: Ever have the feeling that you're being watched?
KYLE: You're just paranoid.
CARTMAN: Then why is this CIA spy satellite orbiting my head? [CARTMAN TRIES TO SWAT THE SATELLITE, BUT IT DODGES EACH TRY.] Bad satellite!
STAN: What makes you think it's a CIA spy satellite?
KYLE: Yeah, maybe the aliens just want you to return their anal probe.
CARTMAN: Oh yeah? Well, just look over there!
STAN: Cartman's right! Look! It's a CIA military training camp!
KYLE: How can you tell?
STAN: Because all of the soldiers are Cuban!
[THE SATELLITE SMACKS INTO CARTMAN'S HEAD.]
CARTMAN: Ow! Stop it!
STAN: We better warn the town!
[A ROUND OBJECT EXTENDS FROM THE SATELLITE, IT OPENS TO REVEAL THE CBS 'EYE', WHICH STARES STRAIGHT AT CARTMAN.]
CARTMAN: STOP WATCHING ME! Go spy on the hippies! Look over there, Mr. Satellite, quick, SOMEBODY'S HUGGING A TREE!
[THE SATELLITE TURNS TO LOOK. WHEN THE SATELLITE LOOKS BACK, CARTMAN MOONS IT.]
CARTMAN: Spy on this, dildo!
[AN ARM EMERGES FROM THE SATELLITE AND PLACES RAY CHARLES GLASSES OVER THE 'EYE'.]
KYLE: Quit jacking-off, Cartman, we have to warn the town about the CIA and their Cuban military training camp!
CARTMAN: [TO THE SATELLITE, FRUSTRATED] Fascist hippie!
[SCENE: THE SCHOOL CAFETERIA. CHEF IS BEHIND THE COUNTER AS THE BOYS WALK IN. THE SATELLITE IS STILL ORBITING CARTMAN.]
CHEF: Hi, children! It's a bit early for lunch, but I highly recommend the Spice Girls bouillabaisse, it's basically a tunafish gumbo.
STAN: We're not here to eat, Chef...
CARTMAN: I'll take some, but just the white albacore -- none of the scary stuff.
CHEF: And what would your CIA spy satellite like?
KYLE: How can you tell it's a CIA spy satellite, Chef?
CHEF: Didn't you notice all of the Cubans around South Park lately?
CARTMAN: Maybe it was a Selena revival meeting?
STAN: Don't be such a dumb-ass! Selena was Tejano, not Cubano -- everybody knows that!
CHEF: THESE Cubans didn't -- that's how I knew they were trained by the CIA -- or possibly Kathy Lee. Yesterday, some cracker dressed in a suit shows up at my house and asks if I love America. I answered, "North or South?" Two hours later, three Cubans show up offering to work for free. I got them washing dishes right now. Lemme show you. Hey, Jose, come out here for a minute.
[ALL THREE CUBANS COME OUT OF THE KITCHEN.]
See? However, they don't speak much English. Jose, what's your favorite musical group?
CUBANS [TOGETHER]: The Dead Kennedys.
CHEF: Their knowledge of music may be ignorant of the framework previously laid-down by Mojo Nixon, but they work hard and don't complain -- AND, they can tell me what Ricky Ricardo is REALLY saying when he curses in "I Love Lucy." Even MEXICANS can't understand THAT Cuban cracker!
STAN: [TO KYLE] I think the succubus is back.
KYLE: Yeah, a big, fat, Cuban-cigar-smoking succubus bitch! Like Madonna!
[THE SATELLITE SWOOPS TOWARDS STAN'S HEAD; HE DUCKS JUST IN TIME.]
STAN: Cartman, would you keep your spy satellites to yourself!
CARTMAN: You're just jealous 'cause YOU don't have a satellite!
STAN: That's because it can't escape your ass' gravitational field.
KYLE: Yeah, Cartman, why don't you fart so the Robinson family can get back home?!
KENNY: Mrrpmppfhs!
STAN: Kenny's right, we have to save South Park from the CIA, first. We can send Madonna back to hell anytime.
[SCENE: THE KIDS, INCLUDING IKE, ARE WALKING OUTSIDE.]
IKE: Kubas inus baggle, oy, oy!
KYLE: No, Ike, Cubans don't taste good on a bagel. You're thinking of Grampa's favorite, cucumbers with deep-sea, sucker-fish inerds.
CARTMAN: I could go for some of those now ... sweeeeeeeeeeet!
STAN: Stop! I think I hear something!
KYLE: Did Cartman just fart? I thought I heard Gary Oldman's voice.
[A CUBAN GUERRILLA EMERGES FROM A BUSH, AND POINTS A RIFLE AT THE BOYS. A LASER BLAST FROM OFF-SCREEN EXPLODES THE CUBAN. WILL SMITH ENTERS.]
WILL SMITH: Take that, you Castro-looking muther-f**ker!
STAN: Look! It's Will Smith!
CARTMAN: I heard that Sylvester Stallone kicked your ass in Rocky III.
WILL SMITH: That was "Mr. T", fat-ass! You still got that alien butt-plug up your ass? I heard they want it back.
KYLE: How did you know that aliens probed Cartman's ass? And how did you know Cartman's first name?
WILL SMITH: Aliens are my hobby, when I'm not acting. "Men in Black" was basically auto-biographical. Take a look at this. [PULLS OUT A MYSTERIOUS WEAPON.] This is called a Nuke-o Blaster. [SHOOTS A SMALL TREE, AND IT EXPLODES.]
CARTMAN: I thought you fairy actors loved trees! Kissy, kissy! Oh Will, I love the way you caress my pines!
[WILL SMITH SHOOTS CARTMAN IN THE ASS, AND CARTMAN SHOOTS-UP TEN FEET.]
CARTMAN: Ow!
WILL SMITH: Just be greatful I only have this set to "Charleton Heston" mode, if I set it to "Nugent" mode, you'd be dead as Bambi's mother! You can tree-hugger my black-ass, white boy.
KYLE: Do you hear something?
WILL SMITH: Oh, oh! Could be trouble in toon-town tonight.
["PARAPPA THE RAPPA" ENTERS FROM STAGE LEFT.]
PARAPPA: [RAPPING] I'm so cute but I'm not lame I'm the safe play-sta-tion game! Fist to yo momma, Will Smith! DIE!
[PARAPPA PULLS OUT A BLASTER, AND KILLS WILL SMITH.]
STAN: They killed Will Smith!
KYLE: You bastard!
[IKE PICKS UP WILL SMITH'S NUKE-O BLASTER, AND KILLS PARAPPA, JUST AS PARAPPA KILLS KENNY.]
KYLE: Good work, Ike!
[KYLE TAKES THE NUKE-O BLASTER FROM IKE.]
STAN: LOOK! Parappa killed Kenny!
[KYLE SHOOTS CARTMAN IN THE ASS; CARTMAN JUMPS TEN FEET.]
CARTMAN: OW! STOP THAT!
STAN: That looks like fun, let me try it! C'mon, dude, don't Bogart the blaster.
[KYLE GIVES STAN THE BLASTER. STAN SHOOTS CARTMAN IN THE ASS SEVERAL TIMES.]
CARTMAN: OW! OW! I TOLD YOU TO STOP ... OW! ... THAT, BITCH! OW! Someday I'll be in charge of South Park, AND THEN YOU'LL ALL PAY!!! OW! OW! OW!
IKE: Shoo da fa-ah!
KYLE: That's right, Ike, SHOOT THE FAT ASS!