Latest fanfic from me, usual comments apply. Please, please give me feedback, as I need to know how I'm doing...
Mrs Berkley. By Mike Jakeman. Copyright � 1998 Mike Jakeman
All the characters and locations are copyrighted to the producers of South Park. This piece is written using those characters with respect to their copyright owners. This piece was not written for profit or sale to anyone other than those who hold the rights to purchase such works. This piece is copyrighted to Mike Jakeman in text and content only.
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(Episode opens with scene in the classroom)
HEADTEACHER Now children, you are probably wondering why I am here talking to you and not Mr Garrison. The reason is that he has been under terrible stress and has been advised to take a break from work. So for at least the next few weeks you will be taught by a replacement teacher, who arrived this morning, so I shall hand you over to Mrs Berkley.
MRS BERKLEY Okay kids. I have been preparing some work to go with your current studies on Biology. Today we are going to dissect a frog.
WENDY Eee-uw!
CARTMAN Cool!
MRS BERKLEY I can assure you there is nothing disgusting about dissecting frogs. In fact I think most of you will enjoy it. Now when you have written the date and the title of your work in your new exercise books, which I am handing around now, please collect your equipment from the front.
CARTMAN Since when did we have to write what we did in Science?
MRS BERKLEY Since now!
CARTMAN But I don't want to write everything down!
MRS BERKLEY Do you want to stay behind after school Eric?
CARTMAN How do you know my name?
MRS BERKLEY Mr Garrison said that if there's a fat kid who whines on about everything its Eric and if he does it too much he has to do extra homework!
STAN Hey Kyle, my frog's too slippy, I can't cut into him!
MRS BERKLEY That's because you're not pressing hard enough! Hold him still and nail the little bugger!
STAN Oh. Okay. I'm nailing, I'm nailing!
MRS BERKLEY No! Not like that, give me the scalpel! You hold his arms out like that so he's stretched and then slice a line down his middle like that! Don't worry about the blood, it doesn't stain. There, that's fixed him up good and proper, won't recover from that, the little wretch!
STAN Okay, er, thanks.
[Mrs Berkley walks over to Kenny]
MRS BERKLEY And you must be the poor and needy McCormick boy then.
[Kenny scowls]
Let's see how you're doing. Oh yes, you've got the hang of it! The cut's a bit messy and you've cut the heart into tiny shreds but that's not important, it's the having fun that's important. It would be better if the frogs were alive to start with wouldn't it. you could see them squirm. oh well never mind. Anyway you seem to be doing well so keep it up.
[Kenny gives Stan a confused look]
[Cut to scene in the dinner queue]
CARTMAN And then Philip farts on his head!
KYLE Oh yuck! I've got frogs guts all over my hand!
CHEF Hello children.
KIDS Hey Chef.
CHEF How's it going?
STAN Bad.
CHEF Bad? Why bad?
KYLE Our new teacher's a freak!
CHEF Oh I'm sure she can't be that bad!
STAN She is! We were dissecting frogs and she came over and went really weird, she started going crazy, slashing at it, she told us to nail the little bugger! She seemed like she wanted to kill and maim it but she couldn't cause it was already dead and and-
KENNY (muffled) And she's a fu*king bitch!
CHEF Stan! Kenny!
STAN What?
CHEF I'm sure your teacher is a very nice lady but it will take time for you to get used to her after having Mr Garrison for so long. Do you want me to sing a song about it?
KYLE NO!
CHEF Are you sure children? It will probably help.
KYLE No thanks Chef.
CHEF Okay but remember what I said children, it just takes time to get used to her.
STAN Thanks Chef.
[Cut to classroom scene]
MRS BERKLEY Right children; get to your seats, quickly! This afternoon I am going to talk to you about religion. But not any old god-loving crap, no, we are going to study other types of religion, can anyone start us off?
CARTMAN I thought religion was god-lovin' crap!
MRS BERKLEY Most of it is-
[Class gasp]
-but not this kind of Religion. Pip, shut the curtains and turn off the lights.
PIP Righty-ho ma'am!
MRS BERKLEY Oh and Pip? Pass the candles and the matches.
PIP You said it ma'am.
MRS BERKLEY Thank you Pip.
[Mrs Berkley lit four candles and placed them in a square around her desk, the gloom lifting]
Does this help children? (haunting music starts up)
[Flashes to Cartman where he imagines a storm with thunder and lightning and Mrs Berkley's eyes serpentine]
CARTMAN Aaaahh!
MRS BERKLEY You want to share your thoughts Eric?
CARTMAN (mumbling) Satan worship?
MRS BERKLEY Well done Eric. You are obviously very wise.
KENNY Cartman a'int wise! He thought oral sex was with a dentist!
CARTMAN Hey!
MRS BERKLEY You stay after school Kenneth! Eric, would you like to add anymore?
CARTMAN (still mumbling) It's when evil people sit around-
MRS BERKLEY Evil people?
CARTMAN It's, It's when people sit around a fire and pray to Satan, chanting stuff.
MRS BERKLEY You are wiser than I first imagined Eric, very good. Now we are going to learn one of these rituals. I shall write the words on the board and you will repeat after me...
[All of a sudden, there is a clap of thunder and a flash of lightning that make everyone blink. When they open there eyes Mrs Berkley is wearing a black dress and her eyes change into that of a serpent]
'Oh Lord of the Darkness and of all evil' (haunting music gets louder)
CLASS (shocked) 'Oh Lord of the Darkness and of all evil'
MRS BERKLEY 'I commit myself to you, for today, tomorrow and the rest of my days'
CLASS (music builds up to a crescendo) 'I commit-
[Bell rings, the music stops, the lights back on and Mrs Berkley is wearing her normal clothes]
MRS BERKLEY You have worked well today children, class dismissed, except for you Kenneth!
KYLE Come on guys; let's go watch Terrance and Philip!
STAN Yeah!
CARTMAN Kick-ass!
[The kids leave the classroom and walk around the side of the school on their way home. Cartman looks across and sees Mrs Berkley talking to Kenny through the curtains of the school office. She's wearing the same black dress and her eyes have changed]
KYLE Cartman? Why are you staring into the office when you could be watching Terrance and Philip?
[Cartman remained silent. Kyle and Stan walk over. They see Mrs Berkley produce a massive python, which opens its jaws and devours Kenny]
KYLE Oh my god, she killed Kenny! The b*st*rd!
[Stan, Kyle and Kenny run out of school screaming]
[Cut to scene in Chef's bedroom]
CHEF Oh Norma, you sure do know how to keep a man happy, that sweet love was the sweetest any man has ever known!
[Picture switches from Chef to Norma, revealing Norma to be Mrs Berkley] ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Okay. That's the end of Part 1, it's got a LONG way to go yet, I'll post Part 2 tomorrow or Wednesday!
This fanfic takes a lot of references from a certain episode of an American sci-fi series... anyone like to take a guess?
"Hey Mr Hat, what's it like not having an ass?" Cartman from Cheesy Poofs Kart
Mike Jakeman ICQ #17759351 mike(at)jakeman(dot)demon(dot)co(dot)(uk)