A few months ago, I posted my fanfic called 'cartman's pie trouble', some of you remember it, some of you don't, but anyway, here's a highly edited version of the original one. Hope you all Like :)
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[in classroom]
Mr Garrison: Well children, today our friend Mr hat is going to tell us all about World War II. Isn't that right, Mr Hat?
Mr Hat: No, No, No! I do it every f*cking Day. Give me a break for once, you f*cking Asshole!
Mr Garrison: MR HAT, YOU TELL THE KIDS YOUR STORY!
Mr Hat: Fine, bitch. The start World War II was marked by the Nazi-ass invasion of Poland by the Nazi-assed forces...
Mr Garrison: [stops half way through] Um, children, where's Eric?
Kyle: We haven't seen him.
Stan: Yeah, where could he be?
Kenny: Mmph mmmmmph mmph mph mmph!
[class laughs]
Stan: Sick, Kenny!
Cartman: [walks in screen with smile on his face]
Cartman: Eric, where the hell have you been?
Kyle: And Why the hell are you so happy Hippo Ass?
Cartman: I'm in the Grand final for the annual South Park Pie Eating Contest! I ate the most pies out of everyone there in qualifying!
Kyle: Well, there's a Newsflash
Cartman: Um, Kyle, there's no hiding your Jealousy, Kyle, there really isn't.
Stan: When's the final?
Cartman: Saturday. Tomorrow morning. Grand prize is $10,000! If you asshole's don't show up there, i'll kick you squa in the nuts and break your F**king head open!
Kyle: Okay, dude, we'll be there! Gee!
Cartman: I thought so. If i win, i bet I'll get all the Free pie I want!
Stan: Gee, like you really need all that pie, Hippo Ass!
Kenny: Mmph! Cmrtmph mpf mmph fht, mmpph mppph mmmph mmph mph!
[Class laughs]
Cartman: You Piece of Crap! I'll kill you!
[Cartman pulls out a little stick and hits Kenny!]
Mr Garrison: Eric, if you hit Kenny with that stick again, You're going to Counsellor Mackey's office!
Cartman: [Sits down and hits kenny from his seat]
Mr Garrison: That's it Eric. Off to Mr Mackey's office!
Cartman: God Dammit! [eric walks out]
Mr Garrison: Anyway, Children, turn your textbooks to page 108. Now the....
[The boys start whispering]
Stan: Did you hear what Fatass said? He could win $10,000!
Kyle: But we all know what he'd spend it on if he won, Cheesy poofs! And he'd be too fat to move even after the contest!...
Stan: Yeah. For his own good, we have to stop him from winning!
Kyle: But How? Oh wait, i have an idea! [whispers to stan and kenny]
Stan: Cool!
[in Mr Mackey's office]
Mr Mackey: Okay Craig, we're here to get to the root of your behavior problem, m'kay.
Craig: I don't have a behaviour problem.
Mr Mackey: Oh yes you do... no if you can't accept that then you...
[Craig gives Mr Mackey the finger]
Mr Mackey: HEY, did you just flip me off?
Craig: No
Mr Mackey: YES YOU DID, M'KAY! THAT DOES IT, LETS GO! YOU WANT A FIGHT? YOU GOT ONE, BITCH! LETS GO, M'KAY!
[Mr Mackey puts his fists up in a fighting position]
[But then Craig kicks Mr Mackey in the Nuts and walks away!]
Mr Mackey: Oh sh*t, M'kay!
Cartman walks in: Gee what happened Mr Mackey?
Mr Mackey: Oh, that little son-of-a-bitch Craig kicked me, m'kay.
Nusre gollum walks past: Oh my god, i'd better get you to my office, Mr Mackey!
[Nurse's office]
Nurse Gollum: Looks like you'll be fine, Mr Mackey
Mr Mackey: It still hurts though. Oh, eric, what did Mr Garrison send you to me for this time?
Cartman: I whacked Kenny with a Stick 'cos he called me Fat!
Mr Mackey: Well, what prompted him to call you fat, m'kay?
Cartman: Well, i made it to the grand final of the SP Pie Eating Contest.
Mr Mackey: Oh DEAR GOD! I wouldn't go if I were you, you'll be so fat afterwards that you'd fall in the Grand Canyon and Get stuck, M'kay?
Cartman: WHAT? You son of a bitch, don't call me fat!
Mr Mackey: I didnt, i said you'd be that fat if you entered, m'kay?
Cartman: YOU SON OF A BITCH!!!
[Cartman pulls out his little stick and starts hitting Mr Mackey]
Mr Mackey: OW, OH, OWW, OW, M'Kay!
[At the contest]
Mayor: Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the 897th annual South Park Pie Eat Grand Final!
[crowd applauds]
Mayor: Well, let's hand it over to the South Park Pie Eat President, Jimbo Kearn!
Uncle Jimbo: Thank you, Mayor! As you know, the Pie Eat is into it's 897th proud year.
Mayor: The winner of this year's pie eat will win $10,000 courtesy of the Burger King-Colorado milk merger : Colorado Milk Drains the cow and Burger King Fries it!
Jimbo: Oh my god! How could they do that to our beloved cows! Up yours BurgerKing-Milk Merger!
Mayor: Jimbo, please...
Jimbo: I won't be a part of this crap anymore! [walks off the stage]
Organiser #1: [whisper] That's odd, those aren't the right finalists...
Organiser #2: I'm not sure, oh well, who gives a sh*t?
Organiser #1: Yeah, you've got a point.
Mayor: So let's let's meet the grand final line-up:
Mayor: Finalist #1 is none other than the 1 and only Fat abbott from Cill Bosby's famous TV series!
[crowd applauds]
Fat Abbott: HEEY HEEY HEEY! You're looking good today, Mayor!
Mayor: I'm looking good today?
Fat Abbott: YEAH, your looking good today, BITCH! NO SHIT! THAT'S WHAT I F*CKING SAID! HEY, WHY DON'T YOU F*CKING OPEN YOUR F*CKING EARS YOU BITCH-ASS MOTHER F*CKER! SHUT YOUR BITCH-ASS!
Mayor: Uhh, lets move on to number 2... Mrs Sheila Browslofski!
Sheila: Oh, hello Mayor.
Mayor: Number 3 is an, er, chunky boy called Eric Cartman...
Cartman: Thank you mayor, i would like to dedicate my performance today to Mr Mackey, my school counsellor who i hospitalized for calling me FAT. HAHAHA! Let it be a lesson for all you sons of bitches out there!
Mayor: Okay, and number 4 and 5 came all the way from Canada to compete here, Terrance And Phillip!
Phillip: Oh Terrance, Look at their stupid american eyes! [farts]
[audience laugh]
Sheila: God Dammit mayor! What are they doing here?
Cartman: Shut up, Bitch! We're about to start!
Mayor: Pie eaters, Ready, set, GO!
[Cartman and Fat abbott are the only ones eating]
Terrance: [farts]
Sheila: WHAT WHAT WHAT! Thats it, DIE TERRANCE AND PHILLIP! [picks up chair and throws it at T&P, just misses]
Kyle, from audience: Hey! I told her to throw her chair at cartman! That was our Master Plan!
Stan: Dude, I think she hates terrance and phillip so much that she was planning to throw the chair at them the whole time!
Kyle: Dammit!
Fat Abbott: DAMN BITCH! I AGREE WITH THE FAT BITCH. TERRANCE AND F*CKING PHILLIP THE TWO F*CKING MENTAL SH*T BITCHES STEAL ALL MY TV RATINGS! I GONNA WIPE MY ASS WITH THAT BITCH-ASS TERRANCE AND F*CKING PHILLIP F*CKING SHOW AND KILL THE TWO PSYCHO BITCHASS WHORES IN IT!
[Fat Abbott and Kyles mom run across the stage and start Bashing T&P]
[Cartman eats away. He is on to his 38th full size pie. His stomach is bloating up hugely]
Mayor: 20 seconds to go!
[In a rush, Cartman stuffs 50 pies into his mouth in about 10 seconds! He has just about tripled his fatness. Then, a spooky noise rumbled. A scary noise from cartman's gut. Then, he turns towards the mayor and....]
[He pukes all over her. Then, the Mayor puked into the audience. Then, everyone was puking, especially stan. A complete Barf-o-rama]
[10 minutes later]
Mayor on stage, covered in barf: Well, every contest has a winner, and, unfortunately, that winner is Eric Cartman. See if you can, get up out of your seat to recieve this cheque for $10000.
[Cartman can't get up. Within 10 minutes, three commanche helicopters were on the scene to lift him up]
Mayor: What would you like to Say...
Cartman: Arghh... NO... MORE.. PIE... aaah... ohhh
Mayor: Serves you right, you litle piece of sh*t!
[Helicopters lift him away to take him to the hospital for urgent liposuction]
[On Helicopter]
one of the Helicopter pilots: Uh, Greg?
Doctor on board: Yeah, bill?
Pilot: I don't think there's a way for something as Fat-ass as this to fit in the hospital...
Doctor: Uh, take him to the animal hospital. They do elephants and Sh*t In the Animal Hospital!
Pilot: OK... [pilot flies to animal hospital, cut to next scene]
[The next morning, at the bus stop. Cartman is back to normal]
Cartman: F*ck! Sh*t! Dildo!
Kyle: What's wrong? How did you lose all that weight?
Cartman: Well, i dunno, they got these... proby things...
Kyle: Dude! Visitors!
Cartman: No, doctors, you piece of crap! And they sucked all the fat outta me! IT COST ME ALL MY $10000!
Cartman: [starts crying] Waah, waah! You waaah, you guys waaah, you guys serously! Wwaaaahhh!
Stan: Damn, That sucks dude!
[The bus arrives]
Miss Crabtree: C'mon! We're running late!
[Everyone gets on, except for kenny]
Miss Crabtree: WELL WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR! AAARRRRRGH!!
Kenny: Mmmph mphmmm mmph mmph!
Miss Crabtree: WHAT DID YOU SAY?
Kenny: I mhph, Mmmph mphmmm mmph mmph!
Miss Crabtree: I HEARD THAT! SICK 'EM, PETEY!
[The bird from Mrs Crabtree's hair Pecks kenny and makes him Stumble in front of the Bus. Mrs Crabtree then accelerates, running him over!]
Stan: OH MY GOD! MS CRABTREE KILLED KENNY!
Kyle: You bastards!
Cartman: You Bitch, You killed kenny!! I kick you in the nuts! [He walks up the bus to Mrs Crabtree]
Miss Crabtree: SIT DOWN, KID!!!
[Cartman is flown back by her piercing voice]
Cartman: Oh jesus, Lady!
Stan: Well, i'm sure glad that whole Pie mess is over!
Cartman: Oh, don't forget! I get a years free supply of pies!
Stan and Kyle together: SH*T!
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