"South Park: The Weenie Wars, Part III (the end)" by Xebot, 7/4/99 [email]
[RECAP: CHEF AND CARTMAN HAVE GONE TO WAR WITH STAN, KYLE AND KENNY OVER THEIR COMPETING PUSH-CART BUSINESSES, "SLAUGHTERHOUSE 5" AND "THE DOGS OF WAR", RESPECTIVELY.]
[SCENE: CHEF IS PILOTING A B-2 BOMBER. CARTMAN IS THE BOMBADIER.]
CHEF: OK, Cartman, start dropping the bombs. OH! That one hit the hospital! OH! That one hit the school! Good, that one hit The Dogs of War weenie tank! Well, I guess one-out-of-three isn't too bad for an eight-year-old.
CARTMAN: What are you talking about? I haven't missed yet!
CHEF: You've gone TOO FAR, Cartman! It's not funny to drop bombs on hospitals and schools!
CARTMAN: You're right; we should just arm high school students, that would be funny.
CHEF: NO!
CARTMAN: What about Squeek? He's one step from the post office, as it is?
CHEF: NO!
CARTMAN: [SHEEPISHLY] I heard he hates black people...
CHEF: NO! NO! NO! What was that about hating brothers? Forget it, NO!
[SCENE: STAN AND KYLE ARE LOOKING AT THEIR DESTROYED TANK. PIECES OF KENNY ARE EVERYWHERE.]
KYLE: Stan, we've got to get revenge, but how can we top this?!
STAN: Don't worry, I've got a secret weapon that I was saving to use on my sister, Shelley. It's called an A-bomb, which is perfect because Cartman's an A-hole.
KYLE: Where did you get it?
STAN: I found it in Jimbo's basement, inside a crate that was marked, "Don't open until Jesse Jackson Elected". Who's Jesse Jackson? Wasn't he with the WWF?
KYLE: My parents say he's the guy who called New York "Hymie Town".
STAN: What an asshole! Uh,...what's a "Hymie"?
KYLE: I don't know, but it must taste awful bad. You should see my mother's face when she hears the word!
STAN: I bet Cartman would eat one!
KYLE: Cartman will eat the A-bomb if we don't sneek up on him, dude.
[SCENE: TOWN HALL MEETING. CARTMAN AND CHEF ARE AT A TABLE BEHIND AND TO THE LEFT OF THE STAGE. STAN, KYLE AND KENNY ARE AT A TABLE BEHIND AND TO THE RIGHT OF THE STAGE. THE MAYOR IS PRESIDING.]
MAYOR: OK, for two days now, there has been a war raging in South Park. I have made it my goal to bring together the warring factions and see if we can find common ground for an end to the war.
CHEF: I wouldn't really call it a war, Mayor. It was more of a weenie police action.
MAYOR: I see. Let's ask our political consultant, Dr. Strangelove.
DR. STRANGELOVE: Zee danger uf a veenie-gap cannot be understated. Vee must look very close at zees boy's veenies!
MAYOR: Uh, thank you Doctor. Please don't drool on the linen.
[BILL CLINTON ENTERS FROM STAGE-LEFT.]
CLINTON: Can I be of some assistance here? I wasn't too bad in Kosovo!
MAYOR: Why? You've done all the cows in Washington?! Did you catch your zipper on a stewardess and have to make an emergency landing in South Park to have her removed?!
CLINTON: [CHUCKLING TO AIDE] She's got some mouth. Reminds me of Kathy Lee ... Kathy Lee Bates, that is!
MAYOR: [ENRAGED] Not getting enough fiber in your diet, "MR. MAN"?! Try eating my shorts!!!
CLINTON: [CLINTON WALKING-OFF STAGE, CHUCKLING TO AIDE] I like the mouthy ones, they always swalla! Hey, do we have any bombs left?
MAYOR: [RECOMPOSED.] Now let me get the list of grievances. I'll start with the People's Republic of Independant Contractors; who will speak for the PRIC?
CARTMAN: That's me.
MAYOR: And what are your grievances towards the Confederated Union for National Trade?
KYLE: [WHISPERS TO STAN.] Dude, I told you there was something wrong with that name.
CARTMAN: While our grievances are many, I will list only one. They are all a bunch of RACISTS!
STAN: What the hell are you talking about, Cartman? How can we be rascists?
CARTMAN: I don't see any black people in your country?! What? They're all working in the salt-mines? Oh, I'm sorry! I forgot that slaves don't count as people! I guess I'll have to read your constitution, I'm a little weak on my Goebbels!
KYLE: That's NOT FUNNY, FAT-ASS!
CARTMAN: J'accuse?
[KENNY TAKES OFF HIS SHOE AND BANGS IT ON THE TABLE SEVERAL TIMES.]
MAYOR: ORDER! ORDER! I think I see where this is going. I'm going to BAN ALL PUSH-CARTS FROM THE STREETS OF SOUTH PARK!!!
CARTMAN: Even the Mexicans?
MAYOR: Of course, not. This meeting is adjorned!
[SCENE: THE BOYS AND CHEF ARE STANDING OUTSIDE THE TOWN HALL.]
STAN: Well, I've learned that a capitalist society relies upon the hope that people will compete fairly, because that makes things better for everybody.
CHEF: I've learned not to let money make me forget who my friends really are.
KYLE: And I learned that A-bombs are not just for Japanese, anymore.
STAN: What?!!
KYLE: Just kidding, dude. I learned that a free market needs some reasonable limits. What did you learn, Cartman?
CARTMAN: [DRESSED LIKE NAPOLEAN] LIBERTE! EGALITE! ARTMAN-CAY!
CHEF: C'mon, children. We'd better leave Cartman for the squirrels to ponder...