The Case Of Mr.Hat Part 3
(Scene: Empty Classroom.)
Mr.Garrison:(he flings open the desk drawer and gasps.. Mr.Hat is gone.) NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
(Scene: The Broslofskis' house.)
(Kyle is getting ready to go to Wendy's party when there's a knock on his door. Mrs.Broslofski enters, along with Ike.)
Kyle: Yeah?
Sheila: It's me, boobie. I wanted to know if you and Ike are ready to go to the little girl's party.
Kyle: Ike?
Sheila: Uh huh, we got an invitation for you and Ike.
Kyle: But, Mom, he's a baby! He can't go to this party! He'll ruin everything! He just went to Stan's party last week!
Ike: Kooka shin!
Sheila: Your friends seem to like him, then.
Kyle(banging head against dresser): F*bleep*k no!
Sheila: What what what?!
Kyle: Um.. I said, "Okay, let's go."
Sheila: Alright then!
(she picks up Ike, who's making a silly grin at Kyle.)
(Scene: The hotel.)
(Daria, Jane, and Jodie are sitting in the room they share.)
Jane: So let me get this straight. They moved us four in a room? This dump is smaller than my closet.
Daria: Your closet? Now this is bad.
Jodie(sighing): Well, it wasn't my idea. All I heard is that Quinn, Sandi, Stacy, and Tiffany wanted to share a room, so..
Jane: Damn your black-heart, Quinn Morgandorffer!
Daria: Don't you mean pink? Her heart needs to be color-coordinated, you know. Along with her lungs, stomach, liver...
(Andrea enters from the hallway.)
Andrea: Hey roomies. What's up? Got any LSD?
Jodie(sarcastic): Oh, yes, I just carry loads of LSD around in my purse.
Andrea: Cool. Maybe we can make a deal.
Daria: You are now entering Hell. Please keep your hands and elbows inside the car, it's going to be a bumpy ride.
(Scene: Wendy's front porch)
(The scamps stand outside, anxiously)
Kyle: C'mon, dude, just ring the damn doorbell!
Stan: I..I can't.
Ike: Cookie monster!
Cartman: Goddammit! Do ah have to do everything?
(he jumps up and rings the doorbell. A tough looking guy by the name of Jake answers the door.)
Jake: Hey.
Kyle & Stan & Kenny(pointing at Cartman): HE rang the doorbell!
Cartman: Huh? Ay! Why you little--
(Jake is 15 years old, with spiky, bleached blonde hair and a small goatee. He's wearing a black skull shirt with one sleeve ripped, revealing a vine tattoo on his right arm. His pants have a hole in one knee, he has blue eyes, and a silver hoop earring.)
Cartman: Who the Hell are you?
Jake: Jake Testaburger. Who the Hell are you, the world's biggest fat-ass?
Stan(whispered to Kyle & Kenny): I like this guy.
Cartman: That's ri--Ay! No I'm not! Wait a second.. Testaburger? As in Wendy?
Jake: My little sister. Come on in, fat-ass. You guys too(he points to the remaining scamps).
Cartman: Uh, ah have a question. Mr.Scary-Wendy's brother-person? Why are you so damn skinny?
Jake: It's called fasting, you dumb tub of lard. You should try it.
Stan: Fasting?
Kenny: Mmph rmmp rmmf mmmph pmmf mmmf.
Kyle: Oh, cool!
(They walk inside. Wendy, Clyde, Bebe, and other classmates are already there, drinking soda and dancing)
Wendy: Hi guys! Glad you could make it. Want some cheesy poofs?
(a large bowl sits on a coffee table, filled to the top with cheesy poofs.)
Cartman: Hell yeah! (he rushes over to it, emptying the whole bowl in his mouth in less than a few seconds)
Stan(yelling to be heard): Hey Wendy! Why is your music playing so loud?
(A song by Primus is playing--what a coincidence.)
Wendy: Because! (points to kitchen) My parents are beating the sh*bleep*t out of each other, and they're making alot of noise! I don't want it to ruin the party.
(shot to kitchen. Wendy's parents Marty and Lois are fighting. They're both exceptionally young. Lois has shoulder-length blonde hair, and is wearing a green blouse and khakies. Marty is also the embalmer's assistant from the Pink Eye episode, he's the one who spilled the sauce.)
Lois: What the f*bleep*k is wrong with you, asshole? All I wanted was a nice, stable relationship, and you have to go and be so insensitive!
Marty: Whatever, bitch! I didn't do anything, it isn't my fault you have permanent PMS! (he pours Roschiere sauce, or however you spell it, on a hotdog as he's talking)
Lois: Eat this, dip-sh*bleep*t! (she throws some porcelain plates at Marty)
Marty: Why you stupid whore! (he throws a glass cookie jar at Lois)
(they continue to throw stuff at each other)
(shot back to party)
Wendy: See?
Kyle: Geez, dude, that sucks.
Kenny: Mmmph rmmf mmmp rmmmf mmph mmmf m*bleep*mf rrmmmph mmmph pmmmph.
Wendy: I didn't know your parents and brother were like this too, Kenny. I guess we both have sucky families.
(Ike bounces up to them, grinning)
Ike: Zeeponanner!
Wendy: Aww.. (she picks him up)
Kyle: Dude! I think I'm gonna puke. (he leans over to a garbage can and gagging is heard.)
(Wendy is hugging Ike.)
Kyle: Can I turn around now? (sees them) THAT'S F*bleep*ING SICKENING! (he slams his head against the wall)
Stan: Whoa, dude!
Wendy: You're so lucky to have such a cute little brother, Kyle. MY brother got arrested 3 times.
Kyle: Dude, no way! Noone is worse than Ike! He's not even my real brother, he's adopted!
Bebe(adoring Ike,also) (mumbling): Well, THAT explains alot.
Cartman: Huh?
Bebe: Um, nothing.
(Suddenly, a hard knock is heard at the door.)
Lois: Who the Hell is that, Marty? Your drinking buddies?!
(Mr.McCormick, Jimbo, and Ned step in)
Marty: Yup!
Mr.McCormick: Ya ready? They're giving away free scotch today!
Marty: Really? Kick ass! (he runs outside with the others, slamming the door on his way out)
Lois(under her breath): Lazy bastard.
(Jake enters the kitchen, smoking)
Jake: Hey, if Dad leaves can I have his collection of Crack Whore magazine?
(Lois gives him a death stare.)
Jake: Uh.. I'll take that as a yes. (he walks away.)
(another sudden, hard knock is heard at the door)
Lois: WHAT THE HELL DOES HE WANT NOW?! (she stomps over to the door, and looks around. There's noone there.) What the.. (a snowball smacks her in the face.) GODDAMN PUNKS!
(Scene: Mestapho's Lab)
Brittany: So when do I get my lollipop?!?!
Chef: Huh? What the Hell are you talking 'bout, girl?
Mestapho(pulls Chef aside): The only way I could get this bimbo to be bait for the snowman is to give her a lollipop.
Chef: Um.. Yeah.
Brittany: Where's the lollipop?!?! Is it cherry?!? I loooove cherry, and Kevvy buys me cherry lollipops at all his games!!!
Chef(to Mestapho): Give the prozac-girl a damn lollipop! I want to get this over with, I'm uh.. Expecting some company later tonight.
Mestapho: Sure, there's just one problem.
Chef: What is it?
Mestapho: I don't have a lollipop.
Brittany(overhearing them): WHAT?! What do you mean you don't have a lollipop?!?!?! No cherry sucker, no deal!!!
Chef: Uh, I have something else.
Brittany: A raspberry swirl ring pop?!?!
Chef: ..No..
Brittany: Then what?!?!
Chef: Um.. (he takes out a box of his Salty Chocolate Balls) Try these.
(Brittany takes a handfull, then grins.)
Brittany: Okay, I'll do it!!!
(Scene: Bar)
(Marty Testaburger is seated with Mr.McCormick, Uncle Jimbo, and Ned Gerblandky. They all seem slightly drunk.)
Mr.McCormick: I think we all had enough beer for one sitting, Marty. Even me.
(Marty is shown sadly gulping down some alcohol)
Ned: Mmmyes I think that you should leave some left for the other customersmmmm.
Marty: But I can't go home! Where the Hell am I supposed to go?
Uncle Jimbo: Why can't ya go home, there, buddy?
Marty(quietly): Lo-Lo.
Mr.McCormick(chokes on his drink): Lo-Lo?!
(Marty nods)
Ned: MmmmI think he means Loismmmmm.
Uncle Jimbo: Er.. Um, you two have a fight?
Marty: Yeah.. She just.. just couldn't understand something.. We have differances.
Mr.McCormick: On what, son?
Marty: Me and Roschiere..
Uncle Jimbo: You're cheating on her with someone named "Roschiere"?
Ned: Mmmmso she's freemmm?
(the other three men look at each other.)
Marty: NO, DAMMIT! Roschiere sauce..
Uncle Jimbo, Ned, Mr.McCormick: Ohhh.
Marty: She.. She just can't understand what Roschiere sauce means to me... (he starts crying like a woman) Wahhhhhhh!!!!!!! This sucks!!!!
Uncle Jimbo(patting his shoulder): There, there, Marty. Just think. Clear your mind. Choose~ What's more important.. A beautiful wife, two good kids..
Marty: Jake's an escaped convict.
Uncle Jimbo: Well, ONE good kid, a nice peaceful life.. Or some goddamn sauce made from Cheesy Poof leftovers?
Marty: Uh... (the others look at him. Other people in the bar turn to stare at him. A bartender walks up and looks at him. Barbrady enters.)
Officer Barbrady: Okay, people, move along, nothing to see here.
Mr.McCormick: Well?!
Marty: I choose.. I choose... ROSCHIERE SAUCE!
(Everyone stares at him blankly)
Marty: Uh.. Just kidding?
(The bartender shakes his head.)
(Scene: Outside)
(Brittany is tied to a flag pole, with Chef, Mestapho and Kevin standing close)
Mestapho: The evil snowman should be here soon..
(Wendy's House)
Wendy: You guys, this sucks donkey ass. My Mom's having one of her bitchy mood swings, Cartman ate all the food--
Cartman: Ay!
Wendy: Most of the people left, our house is a wreck, and.. Oh yeah!! Sh*bleep*t, I just remembered!!
Kenny: Mmmph?
Wendy: We have to do those stupid peer pressure reports, due tomorrow! Aww, dammit! (she grabs up a bag and a notebook) I have to go meet Rachel. Later, you guys!
Kyle: But.. This is your house!
(Wendy shrugs, and leaves)
Stan: But, if, um, we have to do our reports, that means...
Cartman: NO! NO! ANYONE BUT PIP! (looks over at Tweek) Tweek, will you be mah partner for the peer pressure assignment?
Tweek: Dah! Ahhh! No! Can't...Take...Pressure...!!!!!!
Stan: Well, he seems to be an expert on it.
Kyle: Sorry, fat-ass. Looks like your stuck with Pip.
Cartman: Ugh.. What would Freddie Prinze Jr. do in a situation like this?
(the others look at him questioningly)
Cartman: Ohh yeah! He's busy right now, making "I Don't Give A Flying F*bleep*k What You Did Last Summer"!
Kyle: Let's ask Mr.Hankey!
(Sewer)
(Kyle is in the lead, followed by Stan, Cartman, and Kenny. He carries a flashlight and shines it around)
Kyle: Mr.Hankey? Hello?
(no answer)
Kyle: Mr. Hankey? It's Kyle!
(A faint "Howddddddddy Hoooooooo")
Stan: I think it's coming from this way! (they run along a path, to find Mr.Hankey sailing around in a Happy Meal box)
Mr.Hankey: Howdy Ho boys!
Kyle, Stan, Kenny: Hi!
Cartman: (grudgingly) Hi, Mr.Hankey.
Mr.Hankey: Shucks, I'm awfully glad ya decided to visit me! It can get kinda lonely down in these here sewers. Well, what can I do for ya boys?
Kyle: Well, see, we have to do a project on peer pressure, and Cartman's stuck with Pip for a partner.
Mr.Hankey: The annoying little British kid?
Stan: Yeah, him!
Mr.Hankey: Ohh, I see! Well, the only thing I can figure is, get another partner.
Cartman: But everyone else in the class already has a partner!
Mr.Hankey: Hmm. Well, hold on a second. (he looks down in the Happy Meal box for a bit, then pulls out a slip of paper) Here's a number! Call it and ask for an exchanged third grade student from.. Uh.. California! Then give them the address to your little elementary school, and make sure he or she is transferred to your classroom!
Kyle: Cool! You're the best, Mr.Hankey!
Cartman(a bit of grumbling): Ah could've figured that out mah-self..
Kenny: Mmmf rmmp.
Cartman: Shut up, Kenny!
Mr.Hankey: Well, I must be off to take a shower. Kisses! (he and Kyle hug)
Stan: Wait.. Wouldn't that take a while? Dude, these reports are due tomorrow!
Mr.Hankey: Aw, gosh darn, boys.. Well, call Miss Diane Cartman and have her talk to Mr.Garrison! She'll fix it.
Cartman: My mah?
Kenny: Mmmph rmmp mmmf mmmp rmmmf!
(Stan and Kyle burst out laughing)
Cartman: My mah wouldn't do that, Kenny!!
Kyle: Yes she would!
Stan: Wait.. She's a hermaphradrite! Now what?
Mr.Hankey: I can fix things, boys! Well, I hear my bubble bath and soap on a rope callin' me! Howdyyyyy hoooooooo(fades as he paddles the Happy Meal box away into the background)
(the boys start walking back)
Cartman: How is that talking piece of crap gonna fix anything?
Kyle: Dude, Mr.Hankey is magic! He will, trust me!
(Studio)
(Mr.Hankey is talking to two guys, one with blonde hair, and one with glasses and a big-ass fro )
Mr.Hankey: So ya see, boys, that's why ya need to erase the memory of the episodes "Cartman's Mom Is A Dirty Slut" from the residents of South Park.
(Trey Parker and Matt Stone blink.)
(The Marsh's House)
(Sharon, Randy, Jimbo, Ned, and the four boys are in the living room)
Sharon: Thank you for taking care of the boys.. And, Grandpa, while we're gone.
Jimbo: Eh, it's no problem. No problem at all.
Ned: Mmmmyes, you two go out and have a good timemmmm.
Randy: But this is a town meeting. Shouldn't you be coming too?
Jimbo: Randy, there are some well respected citizens in South Park who care about.. Children..
Sharon: Well that's a shame, they're giving out free vodka afterwards, bye now! (she and Randy leave, closing the door behind them)
(Jimbo and Ned stand there. The boys look at them.)
Jimbo: Did she mention free vodka?
(pause)
Jimbo: Say, Ned, what's yer niece's phone number again?
(Ned gets out a small address book and hands it to Jimbo. He dials. Split screen to see a teenage girl with long red hair, black lipstick, and wearing a black t-shirt answer the phone)
Girl: Yo.
Jimbo: Uh, is Julia there?
Girl: That'd be me.
Jimbo: Well, Ned..
Girl: Uncle Ned? Oh my God, I haven't talked to him in like a long, long time! Put him on!
(Ned picks up)
Ned: Mmmhellommm?
Girl: Uncle Ned? Is it you?
Ned: Mmmhello mmmjuliammm! Mmmsacrafice any deer latelymmm?
Girl: Yep! I used the rotting old one you sent me for my birthday last year! It was cool, when I burned it, the flames were black.
Ned: Mmmmthat sounds interestingmmmm. MmmmI was wonderingmmm, mmmcould you do me a favormmm, mmmand come babysit a few kids for a whilemmm.
Girl: Sure, only a few requirements.
Ned: Mmmyesmmm?
Girl: Okay, got any alcohol in the house? Does the house consist of a digital stereo surround sound television entertainment system complete with remote and DVD player? Any good CDs? Alice Cooper? Rob Zombie? Enough food to feed party of 26?
Ned: MMmmI don't knowmmm.. (lying) MMmmyesmmm.
Girl: Okay! I'll be over in five minutes! What's the address?
(Outside Of The Mayor's Office)
(The whole town is crowded there)
Mayor McDaniels: Okay, people, as you all know, the talking piece of sh*bleep*t said there was something important we all needed to discuss. (to Mr.Hankey) Go ahead.
Mr.Hankey: Well, ya see folks.. (stops; goes into hypnotic phase) You are getting very very sleepy..
People: We are getting very very sleepy..
Mr.Hankey: When I snap my fingers you will fall asleep.. (he snaps them)
(the town begins to fall over from falling asleep, Barbrady is snoring unusually loud)
Mr.Hankey: Okay, forget what you ever heard about Mrs. Cartman being a hermaphradrite.
Guy: What's a hermaphradrite?
Mr.Hankey: (gasps) I thought you were all asleep!
Guy: Well I am, I'm just sleep-talking.
Mr.Hankey: Oh.
(The Marshes' House)
(Julia is having a wild party, with tons of teenagers around)
Stan: Dude, I wonder what Mr.Hankey's gonna do. I didn't think it would take this much just to get Cartman a different partner!
Kyle: Yeah, but Mr.Hankey can do it! I'll bet he's doing everything seriously, and under control right now..
(Shot To Outside the Mayor's Office)
(It is obvious that Mr.Hankey is having quite a bit of fun with the hypnotic powers. He is grinning at a townsperson)
Mr.Hankey: Okay, now bark like a dog!
Townsperson: (lame attempt to bark) Woof, woof.
(Back to the Marshes)
(A drunk teen with a lampshade on his head falls on the couch, squishing Kenny)
Stan: Dude! I think that guy's dead!
Cartman: Yeah, and he killed Kenny.
Kyle: You bastard!
Stan: Wait.. (sees Kenny move his arm) Kenny? Are you okay?
Kenny: Mmmph rmmmf mmp!
(The drunk teen stirs slightly)
Drunk Teen(singing): Blueeeee mooooon....
Kyle: Kay.
(souding very much like El Presidente.)
Cartman: No! That's 'que'.
(Hey, who's writing this?)
Stan: Uh.. Kevin Williamson?
(Hell no!! Just shut up, and follow the script..)
(Mephesto's Lab) (Brittany is jumping all around on a large platform extended out of the roof, obviously trying to catch someone's attention)
Chef: Well? Where's this snowman? We've been here six hours, he didn't show up. That poor girl is probably exhausted from all that hopping around.
Brittany(ready to fall down, tired): I'm.. Fine.. (collapses)
(pause)
Mephesto: Chef, would you care for some tea and sandwiches with me and Kevin?
Chef: Sure!
(the three walk off, ignoring the worn out cheerleader's limp body sprawled out on the floor behind them)
(School, the next day)
(Mr.Garrison is standing in front of the room. He has a huge smile on his face, despite he lost Mr.Hat)
Mr.Garrison: Hello children..
Stan: He's being nice. Something's up.
Kyle: Cartman's Mom!
Stan: Hey.. Yeah! No wonder he's so happy.
Cartman: Ay! Mah Mom would never..
(the others give him a look)
Cartman: Eh, screw you guys..
Mr.Garrison: You little bastards are lucky I'm in such a good mood. Now you have a week more to finish your report!
Class: Hooray!
Mr.Garrison: Well, today the Lawndale students are going to finish up the unit on peer pressure, and we've got a new student from California joining us today.
(Cartman's eyes light up. Kyle smiles)
Kyle: See, I told you, dude! But I didn't think Mr.Hankey could work this fast.
(there's a knock on the door)
Mr.Garrison: That must be her now. (opens the door)
(A girl with long brunette hair, wearing a light blue jacket with a dark blue trim walks in. She looks kind of hyper, yet nice.)
Mr.Garrison: Class, meet Nora Bean.
Nora: Must.. Get.. Vanilla.. Frappachinos!! Sugar, caffeine! I MUST get to Hershey Park immediately! (goes out of daze, looks to the class perfectly normal) Oh, hi there.
(Tweek looks impressed)
Mr.Garrison: Uh, why don't you take a seat, Nora.
(Nora sits)
Mr.Garrison: Why aren't you wearing any socks?
Nora: Ahhh!! Can't you see?! Don't you understand?!! It's the SOCK SMURFS!!
Mr.Garrison: Excuse me?
Nora: The sock smurfs!! Those annoying little blue things that used to be on USA Kids! They steal your socks and make puppets out of them! Two smurfs made a TV show, Sifl & Olly, a year or two ago, using MY SOCKS!! Ohh, how they MUST DIE!! The torture!! The pain!! THE TORMENT OF GOING ON WITHOUT MY SOCKS!!! Am I destined to wear clogs?? Or maybe sandals?? Oh, woe is me!! The fate of my poor feet without SoCkS! DAMN THE SMURFS!! DAMN ALLLLL THE SMURFS!!!
Tweek: Marry me!
Stan(whispered to Cartman): Dude, I think you'll have better luck with Pip.
(Cartman looks to Pip)
Pip: Oh, we'll have jolly good fun!
(Cartman looks to Nora)
Nora: Come, everyone! Destroy the EVIL SOCK SMURFS before it is TOO LATE!! (goes back to normal, turns to Cartman) What're you lookin' at, Tubby?
Cartman: Weak!
(Yet still to be continued..)
Cartman: Sonuvabitch!
(One more part, then I'm finished.. So what'd you guys think? Any insults,
complaints, comments, or suggestions would be appreciated.)
~*~Andi~*~
"I've got an army to raise and I must get to Nicaragua. It'll require
of a window seat and an inflight Happy Meal. But NO PICKLES! God help you if I
find pickles!!"
"Damn the smurfs!! Damn ALLLL THE SMURFS!!"