A Very Communist Christmas Part 2 the_davester's Year-End Fanfic
OK, uh... this is my first 'fic of '99. In addition to paying homage to M*A*S*H, I'm gonna conclude the story...
Last Time... Kyle caught a group of Communists in the school library plotting to make everybody a fatass with tainted eggnog. He told the rest of the scamps, who decided to take action. Meanwhile, the school was going through some budget cuts, and Mr. Garrison was fired, with Mr. Hat replacing him. Right before the first part ended, the communist commander gave the command to attack...
DISCLAIMER: In light of current events in the middle east, I must put this disclaimer in that parts of this fanfic are purely satirical, and thus I mean no harm to anybody involved (Iraqi or otherwise) in the U.S.-British strike on Iraq (even though it's over). Also, any other countries satired are meant no disrespect.
-- SCENE: The Communist Military Base ----------
Communist Leader: Attack!
Communist #1 <yelling>: ATAAAAAAAAAAAACK!
Communist #2: Why are we doing this on Christmas?
Communist Leader: What?!
Communist #2: Well, it just seems that this is exactley the *wrong* time of
the year to start a war with the U.S.
Communist Leader: I suppose you're right. Tell you what. As long as you live,
we won't wage any wars.
Communist #1: Uh-oh....(The Communist leader pulls out a gun and shoots Communist #2 squa' in the head)
Communist Leader: Now attack, damn you!
(All of the soldiers that had been watching turn and start firing)
-- SCENE: Stan's House ---------- (The scamps are trying to awaken Stan's parents) Stan: C'mon Mom, Dad! Wake up! Kyle: Damn, it's no use dudes. These guys are fatter than Cartman. Cartman: Ay! Shut your hole, you f-
<An explosion censors out the middle part of his words>
Cartman: cking Jew! What the hell was that? Kyle: Those Communist bastards must be bombing us! Kenny: {Why the f*ck did they choose Christmas?!} Stan: C'mon, if they hit our house, we're dead!
(The scamps leave. The suns sets quickly, like in Summer Sucks. The standard 'incoming shell' sound plays, and an explosion destroys a nearby car. The blast wounds Kyle a bit, knocking him down)
Stan: Kyle, dude, you okay?! Kyle: Yeah, just a... little... hurt <Kyle faints> Cartman: Holy crap! Let's get the hell outta here! Kenny: {We gotta save Kyle, you whore!}
(They turn around, and run smack into Mr. Garrison) Scamps: Aaaaahhhhhhhh!
Mr. Garrison: There you little freaks are. C'mon, we gotta-- what the hell
happened to little Kyle?
Stan: He got hurt by one of the shells.
Mr. Garrison: Well, the U.S. army has set up a MASH unit over the hill, so
we can take him there.
(Mr. Garrison picks up Kyle)
Cartman: What's a MASH unit?
Kenny: {Duh, fatass! It's a M.obile A.rmy S.urgical H.ospital!}(Everyone gives Kenny a vacant stare)
Mr. Garrison: C'mon, let's go, or Kyle could die! Stan (whispering to Cartman and Kenny): Since when did Mr. Garrison start caring about people?
-- SCENE: A MASH Unit ---------- (Note: There is no snow, the terrain is just like the terrain in M*A*S*H) Loudspeaker Dude: Attention, all personnel, incoming wounded! Get ready for some Christmas cheer!
Hawkeye: I swear, that guy has a warped sense of humor.
BJ: You know what's really warped? This war has been going on for 30 years.
Hawkeye: Yeah, except now they moved it to... where are we anyway?
BJ: It's certainley not Crabapple Cove, is it?
Winchester: I hate to interrput your highly intellectual conversation, but
we do have some wounded people in the O.R., awaiting medical
attention.(Klinger enters) Klinger: Excuse me, sirs, but Colonel Potter wants you in the O.R. immediately! Hawkeye: Look at that, we're VIPs now.
(All four exit)
-- SCENE: The operating room ---------- Hawkeye: What's wrong with this kid, major? Hot Lips: Well, he's in shock from a shell that went off. Hawkeye: Finally, a simple case of shock.
(Enter Cartman, Stan, Kenny and Mr. Garrison)
Hawkeye: Hey, BJ, who let these kids in? Kenny: <laughs at hearing that Hunnicut's name is BJ> Mr. Garrison: Tell, me, Mr... uh- Hawkeye: Call me Hawkeye. Mr. Garrison: Uh, Hawkeye, but is the little trooper going to make it? Hawkeye: Yeah, but this is clean room only, BJ: Or laying room only. Hawkeye: so why don't you go to the mess tent and eat some almost food? BJ: And while you're gagging, Klinger can tell you what's going on.
(Exit the kids)
Stan: Those people seemed familiar. Cartman: Like some long-lost friends.
(Klinger exits the OR) Klinger: Right this way, sirs. Kenny: {Whoa, that guy's nose is bigger than Jay Leno's chin!} Stan: Kenny, be nice!
-- SCENE: The Mess Tent ----------
(The three scamps and Mr. Garrison are ignoring their food, and paying
attention to Klinger)
Klinger: So, these Cuban Communists are set up to the south of this park,
here. But, that's when Iraq came in.
Mr. Garrison: Iraq?
Klinger: They're still angry that we bombed them.
Mr. Garrison: So, go on.
Klinger: So the U.S. army, that's us, came in to save you guys, but the commies
and Iraq were fighting over who gets to kill the U.S. Army first.
*THAT*'s when Britain came in-
Cartman: Britain?
Klinger: They're still mad that we declared our independence. Anyway, now
everybody's fighting. Early this morning, France entered the war-
Mr. Garrison: France?
Klinger: Yeah, they're just tired of being ridiculed. Anyway, about an hour
ago, Germany came in-
Mr. Garrison: Germany. Let me guess, they're angry for losing WWI and WWII.
Klinger: What, do you read classified documents or something? Anyway, then
Japan sent over fighters, they're mad about being nuked.
Mr. Garrison: Who is *NOT* at war with us?
Klinger: Uh, I don't think Kenya is, but I'd have to check.-- SCENE: A War Zone ---------- (Basically, everybody is firing at everbody else.) French soldier: Kill ze british bastards! Iraqi soldier: Kill da american assholes! German soldier: Kill der Japanesche jerkoffs!
(Slowly, a bright glow illuminates the battlefield. The gunfire stops. The
bright white light fills the entire screen, and suddenly disappears.
Standing in the middle of the field is Jesus)
Jesus: You must stop your petty fighting.
French Soldier: Zere must be zomezing in ze water here.
Commie: He's not really Jesus!
British Soldier: That's because you don't believe in God, dumbass!
Jesus: On this, the most holy of days, my birthday, you fools are fighting
about nothing! Now, I command you, as the son of the Lord, to stop
your fighting and return to your respective countries.(An eerie silence follows. Slowly, all of the soldier pack up)
Stan: Whoa, dude!
-- QUICK SCENE: South Park ---------- (The people begin to lose the weight caused by the eggnog, and get up) Mr. Marsh: Dude, what the hell happened? Mafesto: The effects of the Weight Gain 8000 must've been only temporary! we're cured! Mr. Marsh: You didn't have to answer that question.
-- SCENE: Mr. Garrison's Room, the next day (the day after Xmas) ----------
(It's quiet. Mr. Hat is seated on Mr. Garrison's desk.)
Stan: Dudes, does he ever actually teach?
Kyle: I dunno. He just kinda sits there.
Cartman: So, guys, what did you get for Christmas?
Stan: I got a new CD player, and some CDs, and a Super Sprayer Assult Bazooka,
and-
Cartman: We get the point. I got a computer, and a stereo system, and a new
guitar, and a car, and-
Kenny: {We got some new blankets.}
Cartman: Gee, Kenny, I hope your family doesn't go into debt because of
Christmas.(Slowly, the door opens. The Communist Leader enters, holding a gun) Commie Leader: Nobody move, or I blow your head off!
(Kenny coughs) Commie leader: Time to die, parka boy!
Kenny: {Oh, no!}...(The commie leader blows Kenny away. He is then mobbed by the kids and knocked out)
Stan: Jesus! They even killed Kenny on the day after Christmas! Kyle: That's jsut plain rude.
-- SCENE: After school, the bus stop ---------- Cartman: Eh, what a f<bleep>ed up holdiay.
(Cue cheesy music) Kyle: You know, I've learned something today. Stan: Yeah? Kyle: Christmas isn't about Communists, or eggnog, or even Kenny. Stan: Then what is it about? Kyle: Damned if I know. I'm a Jew, remember? Cartman: Hey, you guys. You wanna go drive my car around? Stan: Dude! Kyle: Sure!
(They exit)
-- SCENE: Jail ---------- (The Commie Leader is in jail, being lectured by Barbrady) Barbrady: Okay, young man, you've been a very bad boy. We're gonna hafta turoture you now. Commie Leader: What about the Geneva Convention? Barbrady: The what? Is that some sort of dish soap? Commie Leader: Uh-... Barbrady: Oh, a wise guy, eh? We're just gonna hafta punish you! Commie Leader: How? Barbrady: By making you listen to... Barbra Streisand!!! Commie Leader: Nooooooo!!!!
(Cue Credits & Scary music.)
the_"end" davester