(since I am sincerely bored, and have writer's block for my other fics, I decided to write this kind-of-short fanfic. I got the idea cause we did almost the same thing in school, a stupid career type thing, and plus the game commision came in last week. This one is kinda stupid, but I just kept typing and typing, so..)
Careers Suck Ass by Andi
(Warnings, title, and theme song)
(Mr.Garrison is standing in front of the class, bored as usual) Mr.Garrison: Okay class, as you all know, today is career day. (groans are heard) Mr.Hat: HEY!! NOW ALL YOU LITTLE BASTARDS RESPECT MY AUTHORITAH! Kyle(sarcatic): Gee, now that's original. Mr.Garrison: Okay, let me look at this list.. (to the back of the room) As you know, you will come up to the front of the room, explain your job, how you do it, and show some props from it. (pan over to the back of the room. A group of adults are seated, whom Mr.Garrison is addressing) Mr.Garrison: Who wants to go first? (no answer) Mr.Hat: GODDAMMIT, YOU PANSIES WILL SPEAK WHEN YOU'RE SPOKEN TO!! (still no answer) Mr.Garrison: Well, Mr.Hat, I guess those older jack-offs are harder to get to. Kyle: Especially Cartman's Mom! (Kyle, Stan, and Kyle erupt in laughter, along with some of the adults) Kenny: Mmmmph rmmmf mmmmp mmmmmmmf rmmp mmmph!!! (more laughter) Cartman: AY!! MY MAH DOES NOT DO THAT!! (Ms.Cartman enters the room in a stripper outfit) Ms.Cartman: Sorry I'm late. Hello, Eric. (she heads to the back of the room, some of the men staring at her) Cartman: Aww, sonuvabitch! Mr.Garrison: Okay, for this career day, you all know the adult role models are going to explain their jobs. (Kyle raises his hand) Mr.Garrison: Uh, yeah? Kyle: What if none of them are our role models? Do we still have to pay attention? Mr.Garrison: Yes. Stan: But that sucks ass. Mr.Garrison: Too bad, cause I don't give a damn! (looks at paper) Since none of you sons of sh*bleep*t-wads will volunteer, we'll go alphabetical order. Officer Barbrady, step up here please. Barbrady: Okey dokey. (he walks to the front of the room) Barbrady: I am a police officer. We are supposed to serve and neglect. We like to beat people up with nightsticks and speed in our cars and make the lights flash on and off. (silence) Mr.Garrison: Is that it? Barbrady: Uh-huh! Mr.Garrison: Well, do you have any props? Barbrady: Oh, camel poo, I knew I forgot something! Be right back! (Barbrady dissapears out the door for a few seconds. He returns, holding an escaped convict by the arm, who is none other than, Jake.) Wendy: Hi Jake! Jake: Yo. ((if you haven't read my other fics, Jake is Wendy's 15 year old punk brother, who always escapes from jail.)) Barbrady: This is a real escaped convict. (the class "ooohs" and "ahhhs") Barbrady: Do you have any questions for him? Clyde: Yeah! How do you always get away? Jake: Uhh.. I just do. Any other questions? (BeBe raises her hand) Jake: Wendy's little friend, go ahead. BeBe: What kind of gel do you use for your hair? It kicks ass! Jake: Thanks. Well, sometimes I use Megahold. And if you use leftover Snacky Cake icing, it gives it a really nice shine, and makes it all spiky and platinum. Mr.Garrison: Um, that'll do, Barbrady. Take him away. Jake(whispered to Barbrady): I'm not really an escaped convict. I'm really a.. A.. Backstreet boy! And this is my secret identity! Barbrady: Really?! Can I have your autograph, Mr.Nick Carter, sir? Jake: Sure. Just let me get my pen! (runs out of the room) Stan: Wow, your brother sure is smart, Wendy. Wendy: Nope, Officer Barbrady just is really, really stupid. Mr.Garrison: (looks at paper) Okay.. Bean.. Mrs.Bean, would you come to the front of the room, please? (Mrs.Bean nods, and smiles at Nora. Nora incoherantly tries to make herself smaller by shrinking down in her seat, as Mrs.Bean walks to the front of the room) Mrs.Bean: Umm.. Hi. (all in one breath) I don't really have a job, but that psycho teacher over there said that I better get my stupid bitch ass all the way over here before he blast my f*bleep*cking pearls to kingdom come, and I was like, 'Okay, don't put your balls in a blender', and he was like, 'Jesus lady, hurry up, this is career day for christ's sake, and almost noone signed up', and I said, 'Ya know, it isn't very nice to say God's name in vain, you should take that back', and then he pretended to put his little hand puppet on the phone, and he said, you wanna know what he said, he said 'You go to Hell and die', and I was all, 'But I already made reservations at Heaven, and I'm only 38, so I don't want to die and you're really not a nice teacher, Mr.Harrison', then he goes, 'That's not my f*bleep*cking name', and I said 'Your name doesn't f*bleep*ck, well I certainly hope so!' (Mrs.Bean blinks) (pause) Stan: Whoa, dude! Nora: (looks to camera) I hate you. Die. I hope all fanfics burn in Hell while I sip my vanilla frappichinos. ((Andi: No, I can't die. Important finals to take, sorry.)) Mr.Garrison: Um.. Any questions? (a man sitting in the back raises his hand) Man: You're only 38? Mrs.Bean: Yes. Mr.Garrison: Okay.. Who's next.. Broslofski. Gerald: That'd be me. (walks to the front of the room.) Hi kids. I'm an attorney. Attorneys sue people, and make alot of money. Cartman: Do you get to scream and throw chairs like on Jerry Springer when you're in court? Gerald: Umm.. No. Cartman: Dammit. Gerald: My prop is, uh.. I have a briefcase? Mr.Garrison: Good enough for me. Okay, Cartman's next. Ms.Cartman: Huh? Mr.Garrison: Get yer ass up here. Kenny: Mmmmph rmmmmf mmmmmf rmmph! Kyle: Sick, Kenny! Ms.Cartman: Okay.. (walks to the front of the room) What am I supposed to do now? (Jimbo yells from the back of the room) Jimbo: You're supposed to show us what you do at your work! (he smiles to the other men in the back of the room) Ms.Cartman: Uh.. I don't have anything with me. (she sees a Play Doctor's kit on the back shelf of the room) Wait, I think I found something. (she grabs the kit and walks back with it to the front of the room.) Stan: A doctor's kit? What's that for? Kenny: Mmmph rmmmf mmmmmf mmmp-- Kyle: *Dude*, spare us the details! Mr.Garrison: Okay, so you're a stripper doctor? Ms.Cartman: Oh, Hell no! I just strip sometimes on Thursdays! Ned: Mmmmwhat timemmmm. (the kids exchange amused glances) Ms.Cartman: Anyway, I'm like a doctor, right? So, do any of you children know what doctors do? (Craig raises his hand) Craig: Flip people off. Ms.Cartman: Exactly! And then, we try to rip them off for every penny they've got, and pretend something is wrong with them, like surgery or sh*bleep*t, and operate, and make some more cash! And I don't work on Thursdays, so I make a little extra money at the club. That's how I can afford to feed you, Hon. Kyle: Ha! Your Mom has to strip so she can make enough money to feed you, Fat-Ass! Cartman: Ay! Ms.Cartman: And this really nice man there, Eric, he gave me this bag of cheesy poofs for you! (hands it to him) Cartman: Hey, sweet! I love strip clubs! Stan: So, what's the doctor's kit for, dude? Ms.Cartman: Oh, well sometimes I have to give check-ups. (she picks random items out of it, obviously confused of what they are) Uh.. This.. (picks up a stethoscope) This is part of the headphones of a CD walkman, that're used for.. Relaxing patients. (picks out a miniature scalpel) And.. This is for, um.. Carving people up, so horror movies have more realistic deaths! And that's it. (walks out) Mr.Garrison: Well that certainly was.. Insane. Let's continue. (he holds out a short list. The boys sigh in relief. Then Mr.Garrison starts unfolding the list, as it drops down longer and longer, like one of those scrolls from the olden days.) Cartman: Goddammit!
(shots of various adults showing the students how to do things: Ms.Crabtree is screaming at everyone to "Shut up and sit down!". Nurse Goodley is balancing things with her teeth, as the kids wonder where her arms went. Ned is showing a film strip about "thinning out their numbers". Chef is going over a recipe for salisbury steak. Mr.Mackey holds up a poster that says, "Drugs are bad, Mmm-kay". Robert Smith is explaining how to conquer Barbra Streisand and other evil celebrities, such as Hanson and Leonardo DiCaprio. Jesus is showing the class how to get their own show, and how to kick Satan's ass. Mr.McCormick is talking about alcoholism, when Mrs.McCormick comes in and starts beating him up. Marty Testaburger and the other blonde embalmer are going into gross detail about injecting fluids into dead people, showing pictures of the corpses)
Mr.Garrison: Okay, who's next. Kerny. (shot of Jimbo, half asleep in the back of the room) Stan: That's you, Uncle Jimbo! Jimbo: Oh, uh, yeah! (he walks to the front of the room with a large gun) This here is Missy, my best friend besides Ned. Ain't she a beaut? Kyle: What? Jimbo: Who here wants to see what Missy can do? (the kids in the class start jumping and raising their hands, shouting "Me! I do!" and "Yeah!") Jimbo: Okay. (loads the gun, and aims at a target hung in the back room, coincidentally close to Kenny's desk. Kenny gulps and shuts his eyes) Jimbo: Here we go! (a loud clicking sound goes off) (Kenny waits a few minutes, waiting for the bullet to pierce him, then sits up triumphantly.) Kenny: Woohoohoo!! Jimbo: Ooops, I left the safety on. Damn. (another clicking sound is heard, then the real bullet flies through the air, goes through Kenny's head, and hits the bullseye of the target behind him.) Stan: Oh my God! You killed Kenny! Jimbo: (looks at Kenny's body) I'm sorry, ya dirty little bastard. <end>
(now that was extremely stupid and insane, was it not? LoL, I was beyond bored, likewise. what did you guys think though? Cartman: I think it sucked ass! Andi: Who's the writer here? Cartman: (sweetly) Kevin Williamson.. Andi: OK!! You asked for it! I have had it up to HERE with that Kevin Williamson shit! So now I'm going to.. Cartman: Noooo! Nooooooooooooooooooooo! Anything but that! Andi: Sorry, too late.)
(Cartman wakes up in another universe) Cartman: Where the Hell am I? (looks around him and screams) James Van Der Beek: Like, what're you doing here? Katie Holmes: Yeah, like, it's not like in the script. (leafs through a stapled bunch of papers) Joshua Jackson: Oh well. Little boy, do you know what an orgy is? Announcer: This week on Dawson's Creek.. Pacey and Dawson realize that they had alot more in common than ever.. Cartman: Huh? Announcer: And Jen and Joey experiment with their bisexuality.. Cartman: What the F*BLEEP*CK!!! I don't wanna be apart of this gay hippie crap!! Nora: Hahahaha! (points at him) Don't make the writer angry next time! Andi: Nora, how would you like to be in Scream 3.. Nora: No!! Andie: My bad, too late.
(Nora wakes up, sitting next to a phone, wearing a short blonde wig) Nora: Dammit, this isn't funny! Andi: I seem to think so.)
<the end.. for real, this time..>
~*~AnDi~*~
"T.. T is for turtle!"
"Damn the smurfs! Damn ALLLL THE SMURFS!!"
"Sir, the sign says No Smoking." "No, it says Thank You For Not
Smoking, and I am, so I don't expect to be thanked."