This one gets kind of serious pretty quick. Sorry. (I *did* try to make it funny though.) Anyway, just FYI, the hippie girl is my friend Ashley, who had been asking me for some time to put her in a fanfic, and have her walking around whapping Cartman with a big stick. Anyway, heres the fanfic. Enjoy (I hope).
Secret of Immortality - [Scene: A house on a hill, not unlike Mephesto's but more like a sorceror's castle, at midnight. There is a full moon. We are taken to inside the laboratory, there is a shadowy man poring over some books.]
Shadow: It is here, I know it! The Tome can not lie!
[We see a shot of the book he is reading. It reads 'and ye who seeke the Secret of Eternal Life, looke not beyond the snow-covered towne of South Park']
Shadow: Here in South Park, somebody holds the secret of immortality. The only thing is, all Gods be cursed, I don't know who that somebody is!
[We see a raven perched on a skull]
Raven: Why don't you ask the Demons of Seeking? Shadow: Yes...of course! How foolish of me!
[He takes several flasks and tosses them, one by one, into a nearby pentagram. He then sprinkles some sort of powder on the mess of assorted liquids.]
Shadow:<chanting> Demons of Seeking, come to my aid now! Show me the one who holds the secret of eternal life!
[Demons emerge from the pentagram and fly up and out, busting the roof. The shadow glares up at them.]
Shadow: And next time, use the damn door! Demon:<offscreen> Sorry, dude!
[Scene switches to the bus stop. The boys are standing there.]
Stan: Hey Kenny, how come we didn't see you yesterday and the day before? Kyle: Yeah, where were you? Kenny: Mmphmphmhmh. (I was dead.) Kyle: Hey, no fair, we weren't around to say our lines! Kenny:<shrugs> Mmmh. Mmompmphmhpmhpmhh. (Sorry. I can't control where or when I die.) Stan: Oh well.
[A demon watches this conversation from behind a tree. He flies off. Scene switches to inside the mansion, the shadow is staring intently into a shaft of dark-colored light that's coming up from the pentagram. An image of Kenny appears in the light.]
Shadow: Ah, so it is him! The hidden one. I must discover how to seize his immortality, I must! But how? Raven: Read the Tome, dumbass! Shadow: Of course! <he grabs the Tome and starts reading> Kenny McCormick, thy powers of immortality will soon be mine!
[Scene switches to out on a hill. The boys are stargazing.]
Stan: Kenny, have you ever wondered about your immortality? Kenny: Mmmpmhppmhph, mrmrmnnnnmhpmpmh. (Not really, I just take it for granted.) Stan: Well, I've been thinking about it recently. You've been dying every week since you were a baby. Kenny:<groans> Mmphmhpmhph. (Don't remind me.) Stan: Sorry. Kyle: It is something to wonder about, though. I mean, I didn't know it was possible for anyone to have luck _that_ bad. Aren't you like, Irish, Kenny? Kenny: Mmpphmph. Mpmhpmhphmphmh? (I think so. What's that got to do with anything?) Kyle: I thought so. <yelling to nobody in particular> Hey everyone, here's Kenny McCormick! Living - and dying - proof that there is no such thing as the 'luck of the Irish'! Kenny: Mmmphmhpmhpmh. (Oh shut up.)
[Suddenly, everything goes completely black. Even the stars can't be seen.]
Cartman: Wha? What the hell's goin' on?
[Scene returns to normal. Kenny is gone.]
Stan: Oh my God! They kidnapped Kenny! Kyle: Um, Stan? Stan: Yeah? Kyle: You just ruined a classic line. Stan: Oh, be quiet. <looks around> We gotta figure out where Kenny went. Cartman: Why don't you just forget about 'im and leave 'im for dead? Kyle: Because unlike you, fat-ass, we actually care. Cartman:<grumbles under his breath> Bastard. Kyle: Cartman, if you don't want to help us find him, then fine. Just go sit on your couch and eat Cheesy Poofs 'til you puke. Cartman: Fine, hippie! I will!
[A girl dressed in tie-dye and bellbottoms jumps out from behind a tree and whacks Cartman with a big stick.]
Cartman: OW! You stupid hippie bitch!
[She whacks him again]
Cartman: Owww! That does it, I'm goin' home!
[He leaves. The girl smirks and follows. Stan and Kyle stare in that dirction for a moment, and leave to go find Kenny.]
[Cut to commercial.]
[Kenny wakes up on a wooden bench in a prison-cell-like place. He is bound and gagged. Confused, he sits up and sees the shadow dude looking at him from outside the cell.]
Shadow: Ah, I see that you are awake. Kenny:<more muffled than usual> Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm? (Who the hell are you?) Shadow: My name is Luther. Kenny, you are the one I have sought for most of my life. Kenny: Mmmmmmmmmm? Mmmmmmmmmmmm? (How do you know my name? And what do you want me for?) Luther: I have sought immortality ever since I found this book. <he holds up the Tome> And finally, I have found you...the only immortal in this world. You will give your immortality to me. Kenny: Mmmmmm! Mmmmmmm! (No I won't! You can't make me!) Luther: Yes, you will. Whether willingly...or by force. Kenny: Mmmmm, mmmmm! (Goddammit, lemme go!)
[He begins to struggle violently, trying to escape his bindings. Luther scowls and enters the cell with a syringe of something. Kenny attempts to escape, but Luther injects him with the stuff. Kenny's eyelids droop as he falls into a deep sleep.]
Luther: That should keep him quiet until I can find out how to extract his immortality. Now, what does the Tome say about this...?
[Scene switches to Kyle and Stan trying to find Kenny. They're stopping everybody on the street and asking them if they've seen Kenny recently. Nobody has.]
Stan: Dude, this sucks. Kyle: Yeah, how the hell are we supposed to find Kenny? Nobody's seen him. Stan: Wait a minute...why don't we ask Chef? Kyle: Oh yeah!
[Scene: Chef's house. Kyle rings the doorbell and Chef answers.]
Chef: Hello, childen! Whatcha up to? Stan: We're looking for Kenny. Somebody kidnapped him last night. Chef: Kidnapped him? Now why would anybody want to kidnap a poor kid who dies all the time? Kyle: We have no idea. Stan: Have you seen him? Do you have any info that could help us? Any at all? Chef: Hmmm...
[Goes into flashback. We see Chef walking down the street with an armful of groceries. A very pale man dressed in all black, with bleached hair, approaches Chef.]
Man: Excuse me. Do you happen to know any immortals in this town? Chef: Yeah, one. Why do you wanna know? Man: No reason. <walks off>
[Back to the present]
Stan: Dude! So did that guy kidnap Kenny? Chef: He might have. Kyle: Chef, where did he go after he asked you that? Chef: I think I saw him go towards this big dark mansion on a hill - kinda like Mephesto's place, only it looked more evil. <he points in a direction> Stan: Thanks, Chef.
[He and Kyle run in that direction.]
Chef: <to himself> I never shoulda told that cracker about Kenny. Who knows what trouble he could be into now? And Stan and Kyle, too...
[Scene switches to inside Luther's castle. Luther has stopped looking shadowy and appears as Chef described him. Kenny is tied to a wall like in "Mecha-Streisand", except he's bound by ropes instead of chains. He has recovered from the sleep drug Luther injected him with.]
Kenny: Mmmphphhmphmpmprphpmphmm? (What the fuck are you gonna do to me?) Luther: The only way, according to the Tome, to take immortality is to drain the very essence of the immortal into whomever wishes to be immortal. The catch is, the first immortal then ceases to exist. Kenny:<freaked out> MMPHMPHMHPMHPMHPHHMHPMH! (I'M NOT GONNA LET YOU DO THIS TO ME!) Luther: You don't really have a choice.
[Luther inserts some sort of tube into Kenny's arm. Kenny struggles mightily as Luther inserts the other end of the tube into his own arm and then reaches for a switch.]
Kenny: MMPH! MMPMPHMHPMHPH... (NO! FOR THE LOVE OF...)
[Luther pulls the switch, and Kenny screams in agony as a misty, orange substance flows through the tube from his arm to Luther's. Luther grins evilly.]
[Cut to commercial]
[Scene switches to Stan and Kyle running through a dark hallway. They appear to have been running for some time.]
Stan: Dude, do you think we'll get there in time? Kyle: From the sound of that scream, we had damned well better.
[They run into the room where Luther and Kenny are. Kenny is hanging limply on the wall, looking like he's lost the will to fight. He has become transparent. He looks up weakly at Stan and Kyle.]
Kenny:<clearly> Guys...
[His voice sounds dim and tired, and has a slight echo to it. Kyle and Stan look pissed off.]
Kyle: Dude, what the flying <beep> are you doing to Kenny? Kenny: He's draining me into him...he wants my immortality...help me, please... Luther: NO!
[Stan lunges for the switch and yanks it to the 'OFF' position. The misty substance stops flowing through the tube, and Kenny sighs in relief. Kyle yanks the tube out, and Luther rises angrily.]
Luther: You may have stopped this process, but you are too late! I have absorbed enough of your friend's essence to make me immortal! Demons! To me!
[Several demons fly out of nowhere and flock around Luther. He leaves the room, laughing evilly. Stan and Kyle quickly untie Kenny. He is too weak to walk, so they prop him up against a pile of books.]
Kyle: Dude. Come back to us. I know you're in there.
[Kenny looks up at Kyle through half-closed eyes. His voice still has the echo to it.]
Kenny: S-sorry, Kyle. Luther took too much of me...not enough left to keep me alive. Stan: You can still come back afterwards though, right? Kenny:<shaking his head ruefully> Sorry again. But like I said, there's too much of me gone. Luther has my immortality. I can't come back. Stan: Dude! Don't say stuff like that! We know you can come back, you always do! Kenny:<shaking his head again> Not this time. Listen, I have to tell you something before I go. Luther thought I was the only immortal in the world...he was wrong. There's another immortal. She's a lot older and more experienced than I am - she's the only one who can stop Luther. And she lives right here in South Park. Stan: Sweet! Kenny: Now I have to go. I'm really sorry, and I'd stay if I could, but... Kyle: We - we understand. Go ahead. Kenny:<barely audible> bye...
[Kenny closes his eyes and dies.]
Stan: Oh my God, they killed Kenny! Kyle: You bastards! <pause> So, he's just gone. Just like that. Stan: I never thought he'd actually die for good. He's been dying every week as long as I can remember, and...he always came back. Kyle: Yeah, I know. It sucks that he's gone for good now. Stan: Yeah.
[There is a long silence.]
Kyle: C'mon dude, we gotta find that other immortal Kenny told us about.
[They leave. Scene switches to the main street of South Park. There is much screaming and destruction as Luther and his demons are making a mess of the place. Stan and Kyle are walking down the street. They bump into Damien (yes Damien).]
Stan: Dude! Damien's back. Kyle: What are you doing here, Damien? Damien: I heard that you needed help. Kyle: Dude! How'd you find out so damn quick? Damien: Hey, I'm the son of Satan, I've got a lot of contacts. Anyway, I'm also here because that Luther guy's summoning demons. It's really pissing me and my dad off. Stan: 'Kay, whatever. Can you help us find that immortal Kenny told us to find? Damien: Of course.
[He closes his eyes and concentrates for a second. Suddenly he opens his eyes, looking confused.]
Kyle: What? What is it? Damien: This is too weird! I can feel her presence, but there's traces of her all over the town! I can't tell where she is! Stan: Couldn't you just take us to where her signal is strongest, or something?
[Damien closes his eyes for another moment, opens them again, and nods. He walks down the street, and Kyle and Stan follow.] [Scene: In front of Cartman's house]
Stan: Uh, is this where she lives? Damien: Yep. Kyle: Oh shit..._Cartman's mom_ is the immortal? Stan: Hey, that explains why Damien found all those traces of her, since she's such a slut.
[They laugh]
Kyle: Well, c'mon, we gotta talk to her. <he rings the doorbell, Cartman answers> Cartman: What are you doing here? And why'd you bring the unholy butthole with you?
[Damien looks very angry, Stan gives him a 'not now' look, and he calms down.]
Kyle: Cartman, this might sound strange, but we have to talk to your mom - I mean dad. <he grins evilly> Cartman: AAAY! I don't care if she *is* a h-hermafalite, you stop making fun of her! Just for that, I ain't letting you in! Stan: Cartman, this is important. Cartamn: You're still not coming in! Kyle:<royally pissed, grabs Cartman's shirt front> LISTEN, FATASS! KENNY JUST DIED FOR GOOD, AND YOUR PARENT IS THE ONLY <beep>ING ONE WHO CAN SAVE THE TOWN FROM THE GUY WHO KILLED HIM! FOR THE SAKE OF SOUTH <beep>ING PARK, WE NEED TO TALK TO HER! Cartman: Wha? Died for good? Huh? My mah? Uh? Wha, where? Who?
[Cartman is in a daze. Kyle, Stan, and Damien take the oppotunity to enter. they find Ms. Cartman in the kitchen.]
Ms. Cartman: Hello, boys. Stan: Ms. Cartman, we need your help. Ms. Cartman: Certainly! What for? Kyle: You're an immortal, right? Ms. Cartman: <mouth falls open in surprise> How did you boys know that? <looks around nervously> I-I never told anyone! Stan: Kenny told us. You know Kenny, right? The hooded kid who dies all the time? Ms. Cartman: Oh, I see. Anyway, what do you need my help for? Kyle: This crazy guy named Luther, he killed Kenny off for good and took his immortality in the process, and now he's immortal and he's destroying downtown with a bunch of demons! Stan: Before he died, Kenny told us that there was another immortal, and Damien here helped us find you. Kenny said you were the only one who could save South Park. Ms. Cartman: <sighs> Well, it's been a while since I've had to do something like this, but I'll help. Kyle: Thanks!
[cut to commercial]
[Scene is downtown. Luther is commanding his demons as they destroy the town. Ms. Cartman, Stan, Kyle, and Damien come on the scene. Ms. Cartman looks pissed.]
Ms. Cartman: LUTHER! Luther: <turns around> What do you want, wench? Ms. Cartman: I challenge you to a duel!
[Luther laughs hysterically]
Luther: A duel with a woman? Ha! Kyle: Actually, a she-male.
[Ms. Cartman glares at Kyle for a second, then turns her attention back to Luther.]
Ms. Cartman: I am an immortal, like Kenny McCormick - whose immortality you stole. Luther: So what if I did? What will you do about it? Ms. Cartman: Damn it, Luther! Let's just start the duel and get it over with! Luther:<taken aback> Very well.
[He points one finger at the group, and a bolt of light comes out of his finger. Damien raises his arms, and a dark sphere surrounds him and the others. The bolt is harmlessly absorbed by the shield, and Damien takes it down again.]
Kyle: Damn, I forgot how cool Damien is! Luther: Arrrrgh! Demons, to me! Damien: WAIT!
[The demons look at Damien]
Damien: With whom does your allegiance lie, demons? With this false wizard, Luther, or with Damien, the son of Satan?
[The demons look at Luther, then at Damien, back to Luther, and back at Damien. They flock around Damien.]
Damien: Attack now, Miss Cartman! Half his strength is gone! Ms. Cartman: Thank you!
[She extends her hands, palms out, towards Luther. A very large bolt of bluish light comes out and zaps Luther, who screams briefly as he is vaporized.]
Stan: Is that it? Is he gone for good? Ms. Cartman:<sounding tired> Yes. He is gone for good. Kyle: Cool! Thanks for your help, Ms. Cartman. Ms. Cartman: You're welcome.
[She leaves. Damien turns to Kyle and Stan.]
Stan: Oh yeah, and thanks Damien, for helping us find her in the first place. Damien: No problem.
[Kenny somehow reappears next to Kyle. He looks down at his hands in shock.]
Kenny: Mp MPHMPMH! (I'm ALIVE!) Kyle, Stan: KENNY! Kenny: Mpmphpmphmp! Hmppmhmhmmh! (I can't believe this! I'm back!) Damien: When Ms. Cartman destroyed Luther, she must have freed Kenny! Kenny: MMPH! Mmphmp! Hmphmphm! (AHHH! Damien! Hide me!) <hides behind Kyle> Damien: What's wrong with him? Kenny: Hmphmhpmhphmhmhph, mhphm? Hmphmhpmhpmhmpmhphmh. (You turned me into a duckbilled platypus once, remember? I don't wanna repeat that experience.) Damien: Hey, I apologized! Besides, I did have an excuse. Kenny: Mphm, hpmhph. (Well, still.) Damien: I promise I won't turn you into a platypus again. I need to be going now, anyway. <he vanishes> Kenny:<stops hiding behind Kyle and surveys the downtown damage> Mmhpmpmhpmh, hmphmhpmhpmhh? (Holy f*ck, what happened here?) Kyle: After you died, that Luther dude went on a rampage with his demons. Me and Stan ran into Damien, who offered to help us find that immortal you told us about. You were aware she was Ms. Cartman, right? Kenny: Mphm. (Yeah.) Kyle: 'Kay. Anyway, with a little help from Damien, she killed Luther off for good - which is probably why you're back now. Kenny: Mmph, mhpmhpmhphh. (Yeah, I got my immortality back.)
[pause]
Stan: Isn't this where we're supposed to say what we've learned? Kyle: Anyone learned anything? Stan: Yeah. I learned that things can happen that you least expect -- Kyle: Didn't we already learn that? Back in "Castle of the Undead"? Stan: Oh yeah...well, I also learned that people who obsess on a single goal - like getting immortality - are seriously <beep>ed up.
[Cartman runs by, being repeatedly whacked by the hippie girl]
Cartman: (OW!) Yeah, and (OW!) I learned (OW!) that hippies (OW!) SUCK ASS!
[The hippie girl whacks him again, and continues chasing him down the street]
Stan: Uh, whatever.
[fin] [credits]
<ducks all flying vegetables>
Alyssa