This one's a little screwed up toward the end. I made it kinda confusing on purpose. *********************************************************** "Finding by the_davester, the one and only David Short Unknown [email] Kindness"
----------Bus Stop---------- Stan: Okay, dudes, check this out. Kyle: What? Stan: I figured out why Garrison is such a b*tch. Cartman: Oh yeah? Stan: Yeah, it's gotta be something to do with his genes. Cartman: He doesn't even *wear* jeans, dumbass! Stan: I mean, like the DNA, fatass. Cartman: Oh. Kyle: Zadasdvass? Stan: What? Kyle: I said, 'Stan, you don't look good, dude.' Stan: Oh, well I don't *feel* good. Kenny (muffled): Why not? Stan: I dunno. (The bus arrives, with Miss Crabtree screaming in her usual way.) Mrs. Crabtree: GET ON! WE'RE- about to go to Disneyland. Stan: Huh? Mrs. Crabtree: I SAID WE'RE RUNNING LAAAAAAAATE! Stan: Oh. (The scamps board the bus. Kenny sits toward the front, Cartman is in the middle, and Stan and Kyle are in their usual spot in the back) Kyle: Dude, what was that about. Stan: I thought she said that we were going to Disneyland. Cartman: They have food there. Kenny: Mmmfmfmfmfmf Stan: Dude, that is sick. Kyle: Maybe you should shoot yourself repeatedly in the head. Stan (mad): Why would I do that? Kyle: So you won't be tired in the morning. Stan: Kyle, if I do that, I (yelled) WON'T WAKE UP IN THE MORNING!!! Mrs. Crabtree: QUIET BACK THERE!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAA! Kyle: What do you mean? If you get more sleep, you'll wake up fine. Stan: Oh.
(The bus arrives at school)
Ms. Crabtree: GET OFF THE DAMN BUUUUUUS! YOUUU LOUSY FREEAAAKS! (The scamps dismount the bus and walk into the playground) Stan: I've just been hearing strange things. Kyle: That's weird, dude. (Wendy walks up) Wendy: Hey guys. (Stan pukes) Wendy: I hate your guts, pig. Stan: What?! Wendy: I said, 'barf is gross.' (Wendy walks away) Cartman: What's up. Do you have rocks in your ears? Stan: I don't know.
(Screen fades really fast to: Mephesto's lab) Mepehsto: Little Stan is fading. Give me 22 cc's triqueladont! Assistant: Here! Mephesto: Damn! Don't die, little boy. (Screen fades back)
Stan: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!!!!!!!! Kyle: Well, I'm sorry, but I think my mom's cooking is okay! Stan: I just had a weird dream... Kyle: How? We've been walking all this time. Cartman: And destroying Stan's reputation. Stan: What? Cartman: 'And talking, you deaf ingrate!!' That does it! I'm getting away from you weird-ass fool. Stan: Dudes, this is *weird.* Kyle: Maybe you should see the nurse. Stan: No, it's not *that* weird.
----------Mr. Garrison's Room---------- Mr. Garrison: That's all we learned over the past week about how to play video games. Now, then
(Screen fades to black... and then to Stan, walking down the street) Stan: Dude, that sucks. (A car comes out of nowhere, hitting Stan) (Fade back)
Stan: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!! Mr. Garrison: Stan, what the hell was that about? If you don't like Mr. Twig, tell him, don't heckle him. Stan: Sorry. I've been daydreaming. Mr. Twig: Yeahh! Kyle: Dude, there is a giant pink bunny giving out shotguns. Stan: Kyle, you don't make sense. Kyle: What is wrong with saying 'What's for lunch today?!'
----------Cafeteria---------- (The scamps are sitting at a table, along with Wendy and Pip) Stan: ...and two hundered to die every episode! HA HA HA! Kyle: You're suck a f[bleep]ng idiot! Stan: up yours, dumbass. Kyle (mad): Man, sorry for laughing at your joke. (Kyle picks up his tray and moves) Stan: What?! Kenny (muffled): He laughed at your joke and you insulted him. I'd leave too. Stan: Oh. Kenny (muffled): And you're a sh*theaded pigf*cker. Stan: Well, screw you too!
(fade to black, and then to... the operating room) Mephesto: This should save him... Assistant: What if it doesn't? Mephesto: Then he'll die a horrible death. Assistant: It's too bad about that car accident. Mephesto: If we act quick, he can still be saved.
(okay, we're back to reality) Stan: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Wendy: What's wrong with you Stan? I'm sitting somewhere else! Pip: What's wrong, Stan, do you have tourette's or something? Stan: What? Kenny: It's like this thing where you yell and stuff. Pip: And all of you american freaks suck ass. Stan: Go to hell, Pip. Pip: Gee, compliment this country and get insults! Stan: Dude, something strange is going on. I'm gonna see Chef. (Stan walks over to Chef) Chef: Hello, Stan. Stan: Hey Chef. Chef: What seems to be the matter? Stan: I'm hearing all these weird-ass thing people *aren't* saying... it's unreal. (Chef morfs into Mepehsto) Mephesto-Chef: Then maybe it *isn't* real, Stanley... Stan: Aaaaaaaah!!!! (runs away, out door) Cartman (to Kyle): Dude, that kid has waaay too much fiber in his diet.
(Arrrrg. Commercial. Now is the time to stop, relax and think... This is only a fanfic. What's Davey been eating lately?)...
(The mean streets of South Park, CO. Stan is walking) Stan (to himself): The key to all of this seems to be that weirdo scientist dude. Dude, that sucks! (A car comes out of nowhere, hitting Stan. Our hero flips through the air and lands at the feet of Chef). Chef: Well, it's a good think I followed this little cracker. No telling what kinda trouble you can get into on these mean streets. ('Inner city' sounds erupt. Sirens, gunshots, screams. The sky darkens and traffic builds up) Chef: Hmmm. Only one person can help little Stan now... (Gets into his Town and Country. Chef puts Stan in the back and drives away).
---------- School ---------- Mr. Garrison: Now, a nice - hey, where's Stanley? Mr. Twig: Maybe he died. Kyle: Dude, he wasn't on the bus this morning... Cartman: Yeah, we didn't see him yesterday, either. Kenny: Maybe they killed him. Mr. Garrison: Oh, well. I was just wondering, now if you'll all turn to page 583, you can get your homework assignment.
---------- Drive to the Good Doctor's Castle ---------- Chef: Stan, are you allright? Stan: Bad dream, ugg. You were there... (Chef morphs into Mephesto) Chef-M: How do you know it was a dream? Stan: Aaaah!
(Fade to O.R.) Mephesto: What do you mean, he's dead? Assistant: That's what I said. Mephesto: I've never lost a patient, except that seven-assed monkey.
(Stan faints in reality) Chef (back to normal): That cracker's in bad shape.
---------- Mepehsto's house ---------- (Chef's car pulls up. Mephesto greets him). Mephesto: What seems to be the problem? Chef: Stan got hit by a car. (Stan's eye open. The background, including Chef and Mephesto, is ripped away to blackness. Stan stands up). Stan: Dude, where am I? Voice (strangely like Mephesto's): Stan... Stan: What? Voice: This is not as it appears... Stan: Yeah, it feels like I've been eating too many Cheezy Poofs. Voice: Yeah. Anyway, this isn't real. Stan: How do I know? You might not be real... I might not be real. (silence) Stan: Hello? Voice: (faintly) remember... Stan: Dude, but I don't... (He keels over). Aaaaaarg.
(Fade out)
---------- Garrison's Room ---------- Kyle: Dudes, we have to find Stan. Cartman: Maybe he's just sick. Kyle: Dumbass, if he was sick, he would have called and told me. Cartman: Shaddap, b*tch. Kyle: So let's go find him. (They sneek out the window). Garrison: And... hey. Where the hell are Cartman, Kyle and Kenny? Class: Uuuh un uhhh. Garrison: Dammit.
---------- Streets of South Park ---------- Kyle: To a bum: Excuse me, have you seen Stan anywhere? Bum: Yeah, Chef took him to Mephesto's lab. Cartman: We can catch a bus. (they cross the street and get on the bus)
Kyle: Dudes, why would Chef take Stan to Mephesto's? Kenny: Mmmp mmmpp mpppph. Cartman: Yuck, Kenny. Kyle: Maybe he got hurt. (The bus stops and a mean-looking punk gets on. He pulls a gun.) Punk: Allright, nobody move!!! (Kenny blinks, and... THAT's RIGHT! His head gets shot off!!!) (An eerie silence follows) Kyle: You bastard! Punk: Oh, wait. This isn't the armored car with the gold. Sorry. (Rats drag off Kenny's headless corpse)
(Another commercial)
(O.R.) Stan (sits up): Oh my god! They killed Kenny! Mephesto: What? Stan: uggg... What're you gonna do to me? Mephesto: Me and my assistant here- Stan: You mean the monkey thingy?! Mephesto: No, Jimmy, my assistant. Stan: Phew. Mephesto: -gonna operate on you. You're bleading internally. Assistant: Let's give him some morphine... (Stan goes under) Chef: Is there anything I can do? Mephesto: No! This is clean room only! (Shot of dead bugs and rats droppings on the floor) Mephesto: Kinda... Okay, prep the patient. Assistant: I'll make the incision... (Beeping from one of those heart-thingys) Mephesto: He's going into shock! Assistant: What do we do? Mephesto: This should save him... Assistant: What if it doesn't? Mephesto: Then he'll die a horrible death. Assistant: It's too bad about that car accident. Mephesto: If we act quick, he can still be saved.
(NOTE: Here's where it gets weird) ---------- The bus arrives at Mephesto's ---------- (They ring the doorbell) Kyle: Dudes, you think Stan's okay? (Mephesto opens the door) Cartman: Hey, weirdo scientist. Have you seen our friend Stan? Mephesto: No, I haven't, little boy. Sorry. Cartman: Goddammit.
(in Stan's mind, standard black background) Stan: Ugg. I don't feel too good. Cartman: You don't look too good, Stan. Stan: What're you doing here, fatass?! Cartman: Ay! I'm here to save you. C'mon. Stan: Save me? (The black background morphs into Garrison's room) Cartman: The O.R. wasn't real. Stan: How do I know you're real? Cartman: C'mon, dammit! The Super Toy Adventures are almost on! Stan: You're not real, either, are you? (Everything melts away to blackness, except Stan) Kyle: Stan! Are you okay? Stan: Kyle! Dude... this is weird. Cartman, he... Kyle: I know. Stan: Well, if you know, then you're not real either! (Kyle melts away) Stan: Goddammit.
---------- Bus back ---------- Kyle: So where could Stan be? Stan: Right here, dudes! Cartman: Stan, this isn't real!! Kenny: This is not real at all! Kyle: Goddammit! (Bites Kenny's neck, Kenny's head falls off) Stan: Oh my god, they killed Kenny. Kyle: I am not a bastard! HA HA HA! Stan: Dude, this is pretty f[bleep]ed up here.
---------- O.R. ---------- Mephesto: What do you mean, he's dead? Assistant: That's what I said. Mephesto: I've never lost a patient, except that seven-assed monkey. Stan: Nooot, dead... Mephesto: Stanley, this isn't real! Stan: What?! What is real? Mephesto: Listen to your mind... (fades to... Stan's mind) Stan: Not here again. Kenny: Stan, listen... Nothing is real. Nothing. Stan: Kenny? Kenny: Yeah. This isn't real. Think past it. Through the black... (Chef, Kenny, Cartman, Kyle, Mephesto, his Assistant, and Mr . Garrison appear) All (minus Stan): Not real! Not real! Stan: Dudes, this isn't right!!!!! AAAAAAAA!
---------- Hell's Past Hospital ---------- Doctor: He's going under! Stan: (mumbled): not real... Chef: What's he saying? Doctor: I dunno... unlesss..... (The beeping-heart thing starts the no-life beeeeeeeeeeep) Doctor: Oh, no!
(Final commercial!!!!)
---------- Stan's Mind ---------- All (except Stan): Not real, not real! Not real! Stan: AAA! I can't take it! Nothing is real! This isn't real!!! (fade past the settings of this eppy rapidly, street, bus, school, Mephesto's lab, O.R., the hospital room) Stan: Wait! I haven't been there! That's real! (Fade to... hospital room. Chef, the doctor, and Cartman, Kenny and Kyle are there.) (Stan wakes up) Kyle: Dudes, Stan's alive! Kenny: Yaaaay! Stan: Dude, what happened? Doctor: You were hit by a car. Stan: Really? Doctor: Your mind went under, and set up defences.... to protect you from yourself. Stan: Whatever. Can I get up? Doctor: Yeah. Chef: Thank goodness you're allright. (They walk down the stairs. Halfway down, Kenny trips and falls down the stairs. At the bottom, his neck snaps in half.) Stan: Oh my god! Kenny killed Kenny! Kyle: You bastards!!! (toward the bottom of the stairs, the doctor opens the door at the top) Doctor: One more thing, Stan. Stan: Yeah? Doctor: This isn't real!!! AH HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAAAA! Uck!! *cough* cough*. Ahem. HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAA!
(Roll credits, with ominous theme music)
THE END
Loosely based upon a Star Trek: TNG episode where Riker does what happened to Stan (more or less).
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