OK, you guys win. I can't get on alt.tv.southpark.creative so I'll post my fanfics here as well. I hope you don't go and expect Trey and Matt quality out of these but I think they're pretty decent.
Mr. Dead
"Mr. Dead: Making the world safe for those who aren't living!"
Where We Went for Summer Vacation By Mr. Dead
[Warning, Titles and Song.]
[Ext. view of South Park Elementary.]
[Int. view of Mr. Garrison's classroom. It's empty.]
[Ext. view of Stan's house.]
[Int. view of Stan's house. Stan's mom, dad, sister, and grampa are all eating dinner. Stan isn't there.]
[Ext. view of Kyle's house.]
[Int. view of Kyle's house. Kyle's dad is chasing Ike around the living room. His mom is on the phone bitching about something, as usual. Kyle isn't there.]
[Ext. view of Kenny's house. There are bottles on the lawn, windows are broken, something red (blood, maybe Kenny's from sometime?) in the snow.]
[Int. view of Kenny's house. His dad is passed out on the floor with a half empty bottle of scotch in his hand. His mom is pointing a gun at his dad. Kenny's brother walks into the room, looks around, and starts laughing. Kenny isn't there.]
KENNY'S BROTHER: Heh heh...Mom�s gonna shoot Dad again. Heh heh.
[Ext. view of Cartman�s house. The dumpster out front is overflowing with Cheesy Poof bags and Snacky Cake boxes.]
[Int. view of Cartman house. Mrs. Cartman walks through the living room, barely clothed at all.]
MRS. CARTMAN: I�ll be right back, everyone!
[Sounds of male hoots and hollers and a few animal noises, too. Cartman isn't there.]
[Ext. view of the bus stop. Nobody is there.]
[Ext. view of Mr. Garrison's house.]
[Int. view of Mr. Garrison's house. Nobody is home.]
[Ext. view of Chef's house.]
[Int. view of Chef's house. Nobody is home but there are women's clothes scattered about.]
[Ext. view of South Park International Airport (it's very far out of town).]
[Int. view of South Park International Airport. Chef, Mr. Garrison (with Mr. Hat, of course), the Scamps, and Wendy Testaburger are all inside in the baggage check line.]
KYLE: Dude, this is going to kick ass! I can't believe our parents are letting us go to Disney World for summer vacation without them!
STAN: Yeah! Except I don't see why Chef and Mr. Garrison have to come along.
KYLE: Because that was the only way our parents would let us go. Well, except for Kenny.
CARTMAN: Heh, yeah. Kenny's parents don't give a sh*t about him. Heh heh.
[Kenny nails Cartman in the face with the brown paper bag he's using for a suitcase. Cartman is knocked back a few feet.]
STAN: Jesus Christ, Kenny! What do you have in your suitcase?
KENNY: Mmmm mmmm mmm mm mmmmmmm mmmm.
STAN: Oh.
WENDY: Stan...when we get to Disney World we can buy matching Mickey and Minnie Mouse shirts and walk around the park and hold hands and...
CARTMAN: Bwahahaha! That is soooo lame. (Wipes a tear from his eye) Hey, Stan! Why do we hafta bring your hippie girlfriend anyway?
STAN: Because, fat ass, I invited her and that was cool with everyone but you. But your opinion doesn't count because you're such a lard monkey.
CARTMAN: Goddammit! Ah am not fat! I'm charmingly chunky.
CHEF: All right, children, it's our turn. Now you all need to bring your luggage up here to the counter.
[They all start to bring their luggage up to the counter. Cartman suitcase bursts open and bags of Cheesy Poofs and boxes of Snacky Cakes pour out onto the floor. There are no clothes in the suitcase.]
KYLE: Damn, Cartman! Didn't you bring any clothes? A fat tub like you will be sweating like a bastard in the Florida weather with all those winter clothes on!
[Cartman is swearing under his breath at Kyle.]
TICKET AGENT: How many of you will be flying with us today?
MR. GARRISON: They'll be eight of us.
TICKET AGENT: But there are only seven of you here?
MR. GARRISON: No, we're all here.
TICKET AGENT: Then where is the other member of you party?
MR. HAT: I'm right here, retard! What a moron, Mr. Garrison!
MR. GARRISON: Heh heh�you said it, Mr. Hat!
[Ticket agent looks at Chef who just shrugs.]
CHEF: Maybe I should take it from here, Garrison. (To ticket agent) I apologize. These crackers can be pretty strange sometimes.
TICKET AGENT: Sure. Now, Mr�Chef, is it? Has anyone other than you handled your luggage?
CHEF: No.
TICKET AGENT: Do you have any fruits or vegetables with you?
CHEF: No.
TICKET AGENT: Do you know your grandmother's maiden name?
CHEF: What the Hell does that have to do with anything?
TICKET AGENT: Everything, believe me. Now�
[Kenny is looking around at the people that are in line. He looks over to the First Class line and his eyes get bigger that normal.]
KENNY: Mmmm mmmmm mmm m mmmm mmmmmm mm!
STAN: Huh? Where?! [Kenny points to the First Class counter.]
KYLE: Oh�my�God. It's Terrance and Phillip!
[Phillip is keeping the First Class ticket agent (who looks strangely like Scott from Canada) busy talking whilst Terrance sneaks up behind him.]
FART!!
FIRST CLASS TICKET AGENT: Ahem�yes�thank you, sir.
KYLE: Dude, we have got to go meet them.
STAN: Totally. Hey, Chef! We�re going over there to First Class.
CHEF: Huh? Oh�uh�yeah�sure children.
[The Scamps plus Wendy walk over to the First Class counter.]
CARTMAN: (Trying to sound like a sweet little boy.) Um�excuse me, sir? Are you two Terrance and Phillip?
TERRANCE: Look at this Phillip! This little American child is quite large!
PHILLIP: He sure is Terrance! I hope he's not filled with beans!
STAN: (To Kyle.) It's them alright.
KYLE: Yep. What are you guys doing in South Park?
PHILLIP: Well, we were at home in Canada when Scott brought us some special beans. He said they were �rocket beans�.
TERRANCE: Yes! We ate them because we love beans! They made us fart and we farted so hard that we were rocketed here into America!
PHILLIP: And now our underwear have holes in them!
TERRANCE: Now we don't have any more beans and we need to get back to Canada! So, we're catching an airplane from this little piss-ant white-bread mountain town.
Meanwhile in Canada�
[Ext. view of Scott�s house. There�s a large �S� on the front of it.]
[Int. view of Scott�s house. Scott is sitting in his living room.]
SCOTT: Canada is a better place without those fart loving fart-lovers and their fart jokes. I hate them both! (Phone rings.) Hello? (A huge fart sound comes out of the receiver followed by laughter. We can tell that it's Terrance, Phillip, and the Scamps laughing.) Damn you, Terrance and Phillip!
[Back at SPI.]
STAN: It was really great meeting you guys! Could we have your autographs before you go?
[Terrance and Phillip look at each other then at Cartman, each other, Cartman, each other, Cartman.]
TERRANCE AND PHILLIP: Certainly!
[They both go over to Cartman.]
CARTMAN: Now make it say �To Eric, You are strong and�
[They both fart on Cartman.]
CARTMAN: Goddammit!
TERRANCE: Well, we must be off. We�re going back home!
PHILLIP: To Canada, Terrance!
TERRANCE: To Canada, Phillip!
[They start singing �O Canada!� as the kids walk off. Other people start joining in.]
STAN: That kicked ass!
WENDY: I never dreamed I would meet Terrance and Phillip!
KYLE: Dudes! Cartman was the luckiest of all! They both farted right on him!
CARTMAN: Shut up, dildo!
KYLE: But, Cartman, any one of us would have killed for that honor!
CARTMAN: Yeah? Well, none of you smell like goddamn Canadian ass air!
[They arrive back at the baggage check counter where Chef has just finished with all the questions.]
STAN: Are we all ready to go now, Chef?
CHEF: Yes we are, children. Now, let�s go to our gate.
MR. GARRISON: Mr. Hat, do you smell something?
[Cut to commercial.]
[Ext. view of the plane. It bears the slogan �We�ll Get You There in One Piece or More...Guaranteed.�]
[Int. view of the plane, Coach section. Chef, Kenny, and Mr. Garrison are in one row of seats. Stan, Wendy, and Kyle are in another. Cartman is sitting by himself.]
KYLE: I hope the plane�s light enough to take off with Cartman fat ass on it.
CARTMAN: Goddammit! Will you stop saying Ah�m fat! Ah am just big boned; mah mom said so!
[Ext. view of the plane from the front. It is noticeably leaning to one side.]
[Int. view of the plane, Coach section.]
STAN: Dude, these seats suck ass! There isn't even enough room for us!
WENDY: Oh...I don't know, Stan. I think it's pretty romantic.
[Stan reaches for a barf bag but it's too late. He�s barfed on the floor.]
WENDY: Ewww.
STAN: Sorry.
[A flight attendant comes up to their seats since the gang is in the first few rows of the Coach section of the plane.]
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Excuse me, but we�ve horribly overbooked this flight�s Coach section. Right now we desperately need six people to come up to First Class where they will be treated like kings, have their every desire attended to in a very prompt fashion, and be coddled in ways that will spoil them to the Coach section for the rest of their lives. Let me see here...we�ll take you, you, you, you, you, and you.
[She has pointed to all of the gang except for Cartman.]
CARTMAN: What about me, dammit!
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Listen, fatty, this is First Class, not freight; we don't have that much more room up there.
[Cartman mumbles something incoherent.]
[Int. view of plane, First Class. There is a full-sized bar, a piano player playing Mozart, and assorted people in formal wear standing around drinking champagne, talking to each other, talking on cell phones, etc. The flight attendants here look like supermodels, too. One of these flight attendants takes them to their seats, overstuffed gigantic chairs that almost look like couches.]
FIRST CLASS FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Here you are. Please, feel free to get up and move around at any point of the flight or during takeoff and landing.
KYLE: But don't federal regulations say that we have to be seated with our seatbelts on and our tray tables and seat backs in their full upright position?
FIRST CLASS FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Oh that�s just a joke we like to play on the trash back there in Coach.
[Shot of Cartman. Cut back to First Class.]
STAN: Oooh.
FIRST CLASS FLIGHT ATTENDANT: And we don't have tray tables in First Class.
[She gestures to a HUGE oak banquet table covered in gourmet foods.]
KYLE: This kicks the most ass ever! Good thing Cartman isn't here.
CARTMAN: (From offscreen.) Screw you, you damn hippie Jew! Ah heard that!
[The Scamps minus Cartman plus Wendy all laugh.]
PILOT: (Over loudspeaker.) Folks, this is your captain speaking. We�ll be departing from South Park International Airport in just a few minutes. Our destination today is sunny Orlando, Florida. I�d like to take a moment to remind you that we only allow smoking in First Class and that should the plane fall into a deadly downward spiral plummeting straight into the earth, First Class will detach from the rest of the plane and continue to our destination. Also, I am proud to say that I have been sober for one week today. Thank you and I�ll see you in the air.
KENNY: Mmmm mmmm mmmnmmn mmmnmm mmnmm mm.
STAN: Good idea, Kenny. We wouldn�t want any of us to get hurt.
[Shot of Cartman being beaten up by an old lady with her purse.]
[Back in First Class, the gang take their seats.]
FIRST CLASS FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Here. Let me help you with your seatbelt. (Fastens Kenny's seatbelt.) There you go.
[Kenny's seatbelt �falls off�.]
FIRST CLASS FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Here. Let me help you with your seatbelt. (Fastens Kenny's seatbelt.) There you go.
[Kenny's seatbelt �falls off�.]
FIRST CLASS FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Here. Let me help you with your seatbelt. (Fastens Kenny's seatbelt.) There you go. Now, I have to help other passengers. You be good and I�ll be back later with a special surprise for you.
[Kenny laughs hysterically.]
CHEF: Damn, boy! You have got to teach me how to do that!
[The First Class Flight Attendant tries to help Mr. Garrison with his seatbelt.]
FIRST CLASS FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Would you like for me to help you with that?
MR. GARRISON: No! I mean, aren�t there any male crew members that could do it?
FIRST CLASS FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Uh...well, no.
MR. GARRISON: I�ll just do it myself then.
PILOT: (Over loudspeaker.) Flight attendants, prepare for takeoff.
[Ext. front view of the plane. It's really struggling to get into the air. One of the wings, the one on the side that Cartman is sitting on, almost touches the ground a few times.]
STAN: (Being pushed back into his seat by the G-forces.) Dudes...I don't know...if we�re...going to...make it.
WENDY: Stan...if we don't... make it...I want you to know...I...love...you.
[Stan barfs but the G-forces throw his puke back into Coach. Suddenly the plane levels out, all the turbulence is gone, and everything is fine again.]
PILOT: (Over loudspeaker) Well, we had a little trouble getting off the ground thanks to that fat kid with all the barf on him in seat 14-A...
CARTMAN: (Off screen.) Goddammit! Ah am not fat! (Sounds of eating.)
PILOT: (Over loudspeaker.)...but we're alright now. (Sounds of drinking.) We�ll be arriving at our deshti...deshtin...deshtination in about 30 shecondsh. I�ll shee you on the ground or all over the ground! Woooo!
STAN: Thirty seconds!
KYLE: Isn�t that a bit of an exaggeration?
28 seconds later...
KYLE: See? I told you it was an exaggeration.
CHEF: Come on, children. Let�s get our luggage and get our asses to Disney World!
KYLE: I want to go to MGM Studios! They�ve got that cool Star Tours ride!
CHEF: Yeah�whatever. (Under his breath.) Boy, I can't wait to go to Pleasure Island!
[Cut to outside. The whole group is waiting for their transport to Disney World.]
STAN: Man, it sure is hot here.
KYLE: Yeah, and why is the air so wet here?
KENNY: Mmm mmmm mm mmmmmm mmnm, mmm mmm mm.
STAN: Dude! That�s sick!
[Kenny laughs. A van pulls up to the curb.]
VAN DRIVER: Get in! We�re runnin� late! Aahhhh!
[A few nondescript South Park people get on the van. Everyone starts loading their luggage onboard except for Cartman.]
MR. GARRISON: Eric, do you need some help with your suitcase?
CARTMAN: No, Mr. Garrison. Ah�m fine.
MR. GARRISON: Are you sure? There isn't that much room in the van.
CARTMAN: No!
MR. GARRISON: Here. Let me help you.
CARTMAN: No, Goddammit! You keep your damn gay homosexual puppet�s and your hands off mah suitcase! You just want all mah Cheesy Poofs!
[Cartman finally gets on board.]
MR. GARRISON: Damn fat ass. He�s just a little bastard isn't that right, Mr. Hat?
MR. HAT: That�s right, Mr. Garrison. He�s like that guy who invented the moon and conquered the Australian aborigines in the War of 1812: Elvis Presley.
[Mr. Garrison gets on and the van leaves the airport.]
WENDY: Stan�I hope we can room together at the hotel.
STAN: (Naturally, Stan barfs.) Would that be OK, Chef?
CHEF: Well, I don't know�what the Hell, you're only eight. Why not? Where are the rest of you children going to room?
KYLE: Oh, we�ll be in the same room as them.
CARTMAN: What! Ah am not sharing a room with those assholes and Stan's little hippie girlfriend.
CHEF: Then you can sleep in the hallway.
CARTMAN: (Suddenly sheepish.) Ah�ll stay in their room, too. (Under his breath.) Damn hippies.
KYLE: Where are you staying, Chef?
CHEF: Me and Mr. Garrison both have our own rooms. I don't want to have anything to do with whatever he's gonna do at night.
MR. GARRISON: You go to Hell! You go to Hell and you die!
VAN DRIVER: Shut up back there! Aahhhh!
[The van arrives at the Caribbean Beach Resort.]
VAN DRIVER: Get the Hell out of my van! Aahhhh!
[Everyone piles out of the van as the van driver �earns� his tip unloading their luggage.]
WENDY: Hey look! A little lizard! Isn�t he cute?
KENNY: Mmmm mmmn mmmmmm mmmnmm!
[Stan punches Kenny.]
STAN: Shut up, Dude!
CARTMAN: Oooh�let me guess: you want to say it's an endangered species like Eskimos and try and protect it, right?
[The nondescript South Park people get off the bus, all dressed in winter clothes.]
SOUTH PARK MAN: Damn! It sure is hot here!
[He bursts into flames and runs around screaming.]
STAN: Uh�I think we�d better get to our rooms and change clothes.
KYLE: Totally.
[The van driver is still throwing luggage out of the van. As the kids walk offscreen, one of the bags lands on the cute lizard and crushes it unmercifully.]
[Cut to commercial.]
[Ext. view of a bus stop. Everyone but Cartman is there in summer clothes. Of course everyone is still wearing their hats and Kenny is still wearing his hood.]
STAN: Where�s Cartman? The shuttle will be here any minute.
KYLE: He�s probably still in the room feeding his fat face.
[Everyone laughs. Cartman walks up, still in his winter clothes.]
CARTMAN: Man, how do you guys stand all this heat? Ah am frying like so much bacon.
KYLE: It's probably because you're such a pig, Cartman!
CARTMAN: Ay!
[Cartman takes a swing at Kyle but before he can even come close, he's dripping with sweat from the heat added on to his physical �exertion�.]
STAN: Damn, Cartman! Didn't you bring any warm weather clothes?
CARTMAN: Well, obviously not, Mr. Baywatch! All Ah brought was Cheesy Poofs and Snacky Cakes in case the plane crashed so Ah wouldn�t have to be some kind of cannibal and eat the dead from the plane.
KYLE: Cartman, you are such a f*cking retard!
KENNY: Mmmmn mmmm mm m mmmmmn mmnmmmmn mmmm mmm!
[Everyone but Cartman laughs as the shuttle pulls up.]
SHUTTLE DRIVER: All aboard for the Magic Kingdom!
WENDY: The Magic Kingdom? What�s that?
MR. GARRISON: Oh that�s simple. Everyone knows what the Magic Kingdom is.
KYLE: Well, what is it?
MR. GARRISON: Well...it�s...um...why don't you tell them, Mr. Hat?
MR. HAT: Alright, Mr. Garrison. The Magic Kingdom is a place where all of the Cuban refugees in the world come to be beaten into our country where they are later churned out to become gang members and drug runners to feed the mighty empire that is Notre Dame University.
CARTMAN: Is that right, Chef?
[Chef is in a daze.]
CARTMAN: Chef?
[Chef is still dazed.]
CARTMAN: Goddammit, Chef! Is that right or not!?
[Chef finally comes out of his daze.]
CHEF: Huh? Oh...oh...yeah. That�s right children. Here, let me sing you one of Walt Disney�s famous songs. It�ll help get you in the Disney spirit!
[Typical Chef-style music. Pan back to show that Chef's band has appeared from somewhere.]
CHEF: Yeah, baby, they call you Snow White; But I�ll lay ya on down tonight. About them seven dwarves, I don't give two sh*ts; But you're gonna love it tonight when I massage your...
STAN: Chef!!
CHEF: Huh...what is it?
STAN: If we don't get on now, the shuttle�s going to leave without us.
CHEF: Oh. Alright, children, everybody on the shuttle.
[Everybody loads onto the shuttle.]
[Int. view of shuttle.]
SHUTTLE DRIVER: So, where are you folks from?
KYLE: Colorado.
SHUTTLE DRIVER: Really? I�ve got an aunt who lives in Denver. Whereabouts in Colorado are you from?
STAN: We�re from South Park.
SHUTTLE DRIVER: South Park? Hmmm...South Park...South Park...oh! South Park! Isn�t some little piss-ant white-bread mountain town?
STAN: Yeah! That�s it!
SHUTTLE DRIVER: Well, it must be some kind of change for you to be in the Florida weather. Say, why�s chubby there wearing all those heavy clothes? Doesn�t he realize how hot it is here?
[Cartman is still sweating even though he's by a fan and an air conditioner vent.]
SHUTTLE DIVER: You guys should get him something a little bit cooler to wear or else he�ll probably die...or worse.
KYLE: So?
STAN: No, Dude! You know the way your mom is! If Cartman dies on this trip we�ll have to have some retarded �Heat Stroke Awareness Week� or something like that when we get back home.
KYLE: Yeah, I guess you're right, Stan. If saving Cartman's life will prevent my mom from being a bitch for just a little while, it's worth it.
CARTMAN: Heh. Yeah. *pant pant* Your mom�s a beeyuch.
KYLE: Alright, Cartman, just for that, we're going to let Wendy decide what you're going to get to wear!
CARTMAN: No! Sweet God no! Don�t let Stan's hippie little girlfriend dress me!
WENDY: What the Hell makes you think that I want to dress you!? I'm only deciding what you wear, dammit!
CARTMAN: Well, Ah am the Beefcake.
STAN: No, you're the asscake!
CARTMAN: Ay!
[The shuttle arrives at its destination, the Magic Kingdom.]
SHUTTLE DRIVER: Alright, everybody off for the Magic Kingdom! You kids be sure and get that fat boy some cooler clothes. Do you know how much a rotting corpse his size would smell in this heat?
KYLE: We will, Dude. Thanks!
[Int. view of a shop inside the Magic Kingdom. The kids are all waiting out side of a dressing room.]
STAN: Come on, Cartman! I don't want waste my whole vacation waiting for your fat ass to get come out of the dressing room!
CARTMAN: No! Ah�m not coming out!
KYLE: Damn, Wendy! What did you pick out for him?
WENDY: Oh...you�ll see.
CARTMAN: Oh no you won�t! Ah ain�t coming out!
[Stan winks to the rest of the gang.]
STAN: OK, Cartman. But at least come up to the curtain.
CARTMAN: Oh...alright.
[Cartman shadow appears at the curtain. Stan roshamboes him.]
CARTMAN: Ughh! Oh, Christ! What the Hell did you do that for, ya butt licker!?
STAN: Oh, I forgot to tell you: we were gonna roshambo to see if you were going to come out of the dressing room and I won. Now get your fat ass out here.
[Cartman mutters some undecipherable curses and comes out of the dressing room. He is wearing Mickey Mouse shorts (like Mickey�s classic red shorts with the yellow buttons on them), a shirt that reads �I'm a Magical Guest� with a big Mickey logo on it, Mickey Mouse gloves, and Mickey ears instead of his hat.]
CARTMAN: Well, go ahead. Make fun of me.
KYLE: Oh, Cartman. We wouldn�t do that to you. You�re our friend.
CARTMAN: Really?
[The kids all bust out laughing at Cartman. Kenny falls on the floor from laughing so hard.]
CARTMAN: Goddammit! Chef! Chef!
CHEF: What�s the matter, children?
CARTMAN: Tell them to stop laughing at me!
CHEF: Alright, children. Hey, you children better stop laughing at the fat boy or...bwahahaha!
[Chef starts crying he's laughing so hard.]
[Ext. view of Tomorrow Land, Extra-Terrorestrial Alien Encounter. View zips down a long line in a blur. There are four visitors in line dressed like Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and a fat one dressed like Cartman. The kids are at the back of the line.]
STAN: Man, I sure am glad that Chef and Mr. Garrison let us go off by ourselves.
KYLE: Yeah! This rules!
STAN: As much as The Cure?
KYLE: Dude, how could anything kick as much ass as The Cure?
STAN: Oh yeah.
CARTMAN: Hey, guys, what�s this ride called again?
STAN: Extra-Terrorestrial Alien Encounter.
CARTMAN: What the Hell does that mean?
KYLE: You know, aliens.
CARTMAN: Aliens? (His hands slowly move behind him.)
KYLE: Yeah! The scary kind!
CARTMAN: Uh...you guys? Ah�m not feeling so good.
STAN: Why you so scared, Cartman?
CARTMAN: Ay! Ah ain�t scared of nothin�! I just don't want to go on this with you assholes.
KYLE: He�s chicken.
STAN: Yep.
CARTMAN: Ah am not chicken, dammit! Fine! Ah�ll go on this gay homosexual ride with you guys and Ah�ll prove to you that Ah am not scared of no damn aliens!
[Int. view of the ride. All is dark. All we can see are eyes but there are monster sounds, talking, and screams all over.]
CARTMAN: Ah can't take this anymore! Aahhhh!
[He bursts though the exit door before the ride is finished.]
VOICE: (Over loudspeaker.) Ladies and Gentlemen, due to an unforeseen fat child breaking out of the ride early, we must shut down now for repairs. Any inconvenience to you is tough sh*t. Thank you and have a magical day. I hate this job...
[Ext. view of Extra-Terrorestrial Alien Encounter.]
STAN: Dammit! Now we have to go and find that lard monkey!
KYLE: Well, where should we start?
WENDY: Why not Splash Mountain? You can see almost the entire park from the top of it!
STAN: Great idea, Wendy!
WENDY: �and it's a nice slow ride in the dark. We can hold hands, Stan.
[Stan barfs. A Disney slave (the kind that are always sweeping something up) wearing mouse ears comes up to the kids.]
SWEEPER: Sir, please refrain from vomiting in the park.
STAN: Sorry.
[Ext. view Splash Mountain. The kids are in line.]
KYLE: Dammit! Look how long the line is! We�ll be here forever at this rate! We�ll never find Cartman and my mom will see to it that we never get to go anywhere again!
KENNY: Mmm mmmm mmmmm mmmm.
STAN: Seriously?
[Kenny nods.]
STAN: OK, Kenny, give it a shot.
[Kenny taps leader of the group in front of the kids.]
KENNY: Mm mmmm mmmmm mm, mmmmm mmmmmn.
MAN: Really? Thank God you told me! Come on, guys, the bus is on fire!
[Kenny continues in a similar fashion until the kids are at the front of the line.]
KYLE: Way to go, Kenny!
[The kids get on the ride. They float by all sort of assorted Brer Rabbit stuff. Finally the ride comes to the end.]
STAN: Wow! You really can see the entire park from up here!
[The boat begins to descend extremely fast. Kenny comes out of his seat just before the boat goes under the briar patch.]
STAN: Kenny! Watch out for�
[Kenny falls into the briar patch and is impaled on several large, plastic thorns.]
STAN: Oh My God! They�ve killed Kenny!
KYLE: You bastards!
[Ext. view out in front of Splash Mountain.]
STAN: Did either of you two see Cartman from up there?
KYLE: Nope.
WENDY: Uh-uh.
KYLE: Well, this is just f*cking great! We�re hundreds of miles from home, these Disney motherf*ckers have killed Kenny, Cartman run off, we don't know where Chef or Mr. Garrison are right now, and I have to piss unbelievably bad!
WENDY: There�s a restroom right over there (Pointing.)
KYLE: Oh. Thanks, Wendy.
[Kyle exits.]
STAN: So how are we going to find Cartman?
WENDY: Well, there are four Disney parks open during the day. And given Cartman's size and the heat, it's most likely that he's in one of those parks. So all we have to do is go to those parks and look for him.
[Flushing sound. Kyle returns.]
STAN: Great! Let�s go!
KYLE: Um�guys? Where are we going first?
[Ext. view of MGM Studios. The kids are standing in front of the Great Movie Ride. There is a hole that is vaguely Cartman shaped in the front doors. There are also several Disney slaves (all wearing mouse ears) cleaning up debris.]
KYLE: Well, I don't think that Cartman is here anymore.
STAN: Yeah, he must have gotten on that ride and freaked when they got to the �Aliens� part.
[They all laugh.]
STAN: OK. Two more parks left. Let�s try Epcot Center.
[Ext. view of Epcot Center. The kids are in the France part of the World Showcase.]
WENDY: Well, we can pretty much forget this part of Epcot.
KYLE: Why? Cartman could be anywhere.
WENDY: This part of Epcot is all about foreign countries and Cartman hates all foreigners. Let�s try over there. (Pointing to the more technological part of Epcot.) Come on, guys. Stan?
[Stan is in the middle of a huddle of French women that are working in the World Showcase. They�re all laughing and whispering about him. He�s got a big goofy smile on his face.]
WENDY: Come on, Stan.
[No change in Stan.]
WENDY: Come on, Stan!
[No change in Stan.]
WENDY: COME ON, STAN!
[Stan comes to his senses.]
STAN: Huh? Oh�coming.
[The kids walk by The Sea. Four Disney slaves (with mouse ears) are carrying a dolphin out on a stretcher. It has a bag of Cheesy Poofs sticking out of its blowhole.]
KYLE: I think we may be too late. Cartman's not here either.
STAN: Well, there only one park left.
[Ext. view of Animal Kingdom, in a savanna type area.]
ZOOKEEPER 1: I just don't get it. What keeps killing the cheetahs?
ZOOKEEPER 2: Well, it's either these bags they�re choking on (Holds up a mangled Cheesy Poofs bag.) or those two nut jobs that keep hunting in here.
ZOOKEEPER 1: What two nut jobs?
VOICE 1: (Off screen.) Christ! Look at all these cheetahs! C�mon, Ned! We need to thin out their numbers!
VOICE 2: (Off screen) Mmmm�thin out their numbers�mmmm!
[Back at Epcot.]
STAN: On second thought, forget it.
[Cut to commercial.]
[Ext. view of Caribbean Beach Resort at night.]
[Int. view of the kids� room. Stan and Wendy are watching TV.]
STAN: Goddamn! Disney�s stations suck! All we get is a few local Orlando stations, the Disney Channel, the f*cking local weather, a channel where you can shop for Disney sh*t, and f*cking Disney information! There�s no goddamn Cartoon Central! How the Hell are we supposed to watch Terrance and Phillip!?
KYLE: Yeah, and they put this computer in our room with the internet and everything but the only site I can log on to is f*cking www.disney.com!
WENDY: Maybe we should go and see what Chef is doing?
[Ext. view of Chef's room. The kids are outside knocking.]
STAN: Hey, Chef! Are you in there?
[There are sounds of people moving in a big hurry in Chef's room.]
CHEF: (From inside the room.) The children are here! Get out, dammit!
[The door opens very quickly and a woman dressed as Snow White runs out.]
CHEF: (From inside the room.) Uh�just a minute, children. I�ve�uh�got to straighten up in here. (Sounds of Chef falling over.) Ow! Dammit!
[The door opens and the kids go inside.]
CHEF: Hello, children!
STAN, KYLE, AND WENDY: Hey, Chef.
CHEF: And how are my little crackers tonight?
STAN, KYLE, AND WENDY: Bad.
CHEF: Why bad?
STAN: Cartman ran off and we don't know where he is!
CHEF: Well, have you checked your room?
KYLE: Yeah, we searched the whole room when we came back from the parks but he wasn�t there.
WENDY: But he had been there. There were Cheesy Poof bags and Snacky Cake boxes all over the room.
CHEF: Hmm. Well, this late at night there�s only one thing to do.
STAN: What�s that?
CHEF: It's a gamble, but we�ve got to try Pleasure Island.
WENDY: Pleasure Island?
KYLE: What�s that, Chef?
CHEF: Well, it's the place where grown-ups go to get drunk here. And then, in the morning�hey! Why the Hell am I telling you this? You�re not even allowed in! It's for adults only!
STAN: Goddammit!
CHEF: Well, I�ve got to go now. You children should probably just look for that fat boy here at the resort.
[Chef exits.]
KYLE: Well, you heard him. We�ve got to stay here.
WENDY: No, we don't! I�ve got a plan!
STAN: Really? What is it?
WENDY: Well, first we�ve got to�
[The kids huddle together. We can only make out indistinct whispers.]
KYLE: Uh-huh.
STAN: Sweet! Alright, let�s go!
[Ext. view of the entrance to Pleasure Island. The kids walk up a few feet short of the entrance.]
WENDY: OK, there�s the bouncer. Are you ready, Stan?
STAN: Yep. (Puts on a fake moustache.)
WENDY: Let�s go.
[They walk up to the entrance.]
BOUNCER: Can I see some ID, please?
STAN: (In a deeper voice.) Certainly. Here you are.
[The kids hand the bouncer their photo ID�s for the plane.]
BOUNCER: Hmm�Sir? I don't know how to tell you this but your moustache is falling off.
STAN: What?
[Indeed, Stan's moustache is falling off.]
BOUNCER: Are you just three kids trying to put a fast one over on me?
KYLE: No! He�s just growing a moustache and he's wearing that one until it comes in.
BOUNCER: Oh. It looks like carpet, though.
WENDY: Well, I never! Come on, guys!
[They walk past the bouncer into Pleasure Island.]
STAN: I can't believe that worked!
KYLE: Yeah! Now we have to look for Cartman. Let�s try in there! (Points to a club called �8-Trax�.)
[Int. view of 8-Trax. It's full of disco music. There are strobe lights all around. It's also populated almost completely by men.]
KYLE: Um�I don't know what kind of club this is but I don't think that Cartman is in here.
VOICE: Oh, hi, Stanley! How have you been?
[Stan turns around. It's Big Gay Al.]
STAN: Oh, hey! I'm fine. How are you?
BIG GAY AL: I'm super! Thanks for asking! What ever are you doing here?
KYLE: We�re looking for Cartman. Some alien ride scared him and he ran off.
STAN: What are you doing here?
BIG GAY AL: Oh, I'm on my big gay vacation and Disney is the place to come for that! I do miss my big gay boat ride, though. But that�s all OK! I�ve found a new home for many of the big gay animals in my big gay animal sanctuary in the Animal Kingdom and I�ve met a new friend tonight! Would you like to meet him?
STAN, KYLE, AND WENDY: Sure!
BIG GAY AL: Yoohoo, Silly Buns! Come over here, there�s some friends of mine I want you to meet!
[Mr. Garrison walks over.]
STAN, KYLE, AND WENDY: Mr. Garrison!?
MR. GARRISON: What!? Um�no. I�m�uh�What are you kids doing here!?
STAN: We�re looking for Cartman. He ran off.
MR. GARRISON: Well, some running is probably good for that little fat f*cker. You kids get the Hell out of here right now or else I�ll call for sex�I mean security!
KYLE: Alright, alright.
BIG GAY AL: Good-bye, Stanley!
STAN: Later, Big Gay Al!
[The kids exit.]
MR. GARRISON: Mr. Hat, why did you insist on coming here?
[Ext. view of 8-Trax. There are drunk people falling and stumbling all around the kids.]
KYLE: Well, this was the last park we had to check and still no Cartman.
STAN: Yeah. Where could he be?
[A Disney security guard walks by (wearing mouse ears, a Mickey Mouse shaped badge, a squirt gun, and a candy cane for a nightstick.]
VOICE: (Over security guard�s walkie-talkie.) All available units, all available units. Code 7 emergency. There is a fat child inside the Magic Kingdom eating everything. Request back up immediately. Over.
STAN: Well, I guess we're just going to have to break into the Magic Kingdom.
KYLE: Won�t security be after us, too, then?
STAN: Probably. But we�ll just have to risk it.
WENDY: Oh, Stan! I just love it when you take charge�
[Stan barfs again.]
KYLE: Christ, Dude! How much can one kid barf in one day?
[Ext. view of the Magic Kingdom�s gates. There are two security guards with very large squirt guns patrolling the area. The kids are behind some Mickey shaped bushes outside.]
STAN: Well, this is it. We�ve got to get in somehow. Any ideas?
KYLE: Leave it to me. Just follow my lead and stay cool.
[The kids walk up to the security guards with Kyle in the lead.]
GUARD 1: Halt! Show me some ID!
KYLE: (Getting out his ID and talking with a southern accent.) Son, do know just who you are f*cking with? I am Special Agent Bris of the Fat Children division of the FBI and these are my partners, Special Agent Churl and Special Agent Gurle. We are here to clean up your little fat child problem, gentlemen!
GUARD 2: I didn�t know there was a Fat Children division of the FBI.
KYLE: Do not f*ck with us, young man! Now are you going to let us in, or not!?
GUARD 1: Yes, Sir! Right away, Sir!
[The guards open the gates and the kids walk inside.]
STAN: Dude! That totally fooled them!
KYLE: Yeah! What retards!
GUARD 1: (Off screen.) Did you hear that?
GUARD 2: (Off screen.) Let�s get �em!
WENDY: Oh, sh*t! Run for it!
[The kids run off while the guards chase them. In the midst of all their running the kids wind up in front of It's A Small World.]
STAN: Quick! In here!
[The kids rush inside. As they are running in, Kyle bumps the �on� switch for the ride. It's A Small World comes to life.]
KYLE: What the Hell are we supposed to do now? They'll know where we are for sure!
WENDY: Come on! Get in one of those boats!
[The kids jump into a boat and float into the ride. The guards get there just as the kids� boat is disappearing into the ride.]
GUARD 2: They went in here!
[The guards get into a boat and follow the kids.]
[Deeper in the ride.]
STAN: I�ve got an idea! Follow me!
[Stan jumps off the boat onto an island full of robot kids. Kyle and Wendy follow him.]
KYLE: What now? I don't think I can take any more of this goddamn song!
STAN: OK. It's really simple. All we have to do is stand here and move our mouths out of sync with the song and make really slow robotic movements. Got it?
[The kids act like the robots on the ride. After about ten seconds of this, the guards� boat finally comes into view.]
GUARD 1: Where�d those little bastards get to?
GUARD 2: I know I saw them come in here!
[Kyle is starting to sweat. He closes his eyes really tight.]
KYLE: Goddammit! I can't stand this f*cking song anymore! I�ve got to get out of here!
STAN: Dude!
[The guards turn around to see the kids jumping from boat to boat back to the entrance.]
GUARD 1: There they go! Let�s go after them!
GUARD 2: No! They�re not even trying to keep their arms and legs inside the boat at all times. If we follow them, we're no better than they are.
GUARD 1: But�
GUARD 2: But nothing! We�ll just ride this out and catch them back at the entrance.
[Back at the entrance.]
STAN: Hey, guys! Look! I found a way to lock those assmasters in there! Kyle, gimme a hand with this door. Kyle? Kyle?
[Kyle is sitting in the street rocking back and forth and singing �It's A Small World� to himself.]
STAN: Goddammit, Kyle! Not now! Wendy?
[Wendy walks over to Kyle and smacks him upside the head.]
KYLE: Thanks, Wendy. I really, really needed that.
WENDY: Whatever, Dude.
STAN: Now get your ass over here and help me with this door!
[Kyle comes over to Stan and together they pull the door shut. Stan puts a padlock on the door once it's closed.]
KYLE: Stan, I'm not sure that we should have done that? I mean, is it right to subject another human being to that kind of torture. Do we have the right to pass judgement on those men simply because they are doing their jobs and enforcing the rules that put food on their families� tables?
STAN: Dude, remember your mom?
KYLE: Yep. You�re right.
WENDY: Maybe we should split up. That way we can find Cartman quicker.
STAN: Good idea, Wendy! You take Fantasy Land. Kyle, you take Frontier Land. I�ll take Tomorrow Land. We�ll meet back here in an hour. If none of us have found Cartman by then, we�ll just tell everyone that he never even came with us. OK?
KYLE: Right.
WENDY: You bet.
[They go their separate ways. We follow Wendy first.]
WENDY: Cartman! Oh, Cartman! Come out, come out! I�ve got Cheesy Poofs.
[Cut to Kyle.]
KYLE: Fat-ass! Where are you fat ass! If you come out, we�ll get you a chocolate chicken potpie!
[Cut to Stan.]
STAN: Cartman! Goddammit, where are you! I swear to f*cking God, Cartman, if you are dead, I am going to f*cking kill you! Come out, you fat little pig-f*cker!
[Stan comes across some broken glass outside a building. Pan up to show a sign that reads �Cosmic Ray�s Starlight Caf�.]
STAN: Cartman?
[Stan moves carefully towards the door, which has been broken. There are sounds of eating coming from inside.]
STAN: Cartman, is that you?
[Stan goes inside the caf�. He slowly makes his way to the counter.]
STAN: Cartman, come out you fat f*ck!
[The sounds of eating stop.]
CARTMAN: (Off screen.) Screw you! Ah am not fat! Mah mom says mah internal organs are just bigger than other people�s are.
STAN: Goddammit, Cartman! We�ve been looking everywhere for you.
CARTMAN: Really? (His eyes tear up.) Gee�I guess you guys really do care about me.
STAN: No, we just didn�t want to have to hear Kyle's mom bitch about it when we got back. Now come on, lard-o. We have to meet Wendy and Kyle back at It's A Small World in ten minutes.
CARTMAN: Oh! It's A Small World? Kick ass! Ah love It's A Small World. (Singing.) It's a small world after all. It's a small world after all. It's a small world after all. It's a small, small world! It's a world of�
STAN: (Screaming.) Goddammit, Cartman! Shut the Hell up right now or I swear I will f*cking kill you here on this f*cking spot with my bare f*cking hands, you fat motherf*cker!
[Back at It's A Small World. The song can still be heard from the outside although it's muffled.]
WENDY: Stan! You found Cartman!
KYLE: Where�d you find him, Dude?
STAN: Stuffing his fat face at Cosmic Ray�s Starlight Caf�.
CARTMAN: F*ck you! Ah did what Ah had to to survive!
STAN: Cartman! You ate all the food in the park!
KYLE: Hey, Stan. Don�t you think we should let those guys out of there now? I mean, we�ve found Cartman and those poor bastards are probably little more that jelly right now, anyway.
STAN: You�re right, Kyle. You�re right. Hey, Cartman!
CARTMAN: Oh, no! Ah am not going to let you sons of bitches make anymore fun of me tonight. Ah will kick you all in the nuts!
WENDY: Even me?
CARTMAN: Especially you, you little hippie freak!
KYLE: Shut up, Cartman. Listen. Do you want some more Cheesy Poofs?
CARTMAN: Well, let me see hya, Einstein�um�yes Ah want more Cheesy Poofs, Goddammit! Where are they!?
STAN: They�re on the other side of this door, but it's looked and we don't have the key.
[Cartman makes some high-pitched whining sounds and charges headlong into the door, knocking it off its hinges.]
STAN: Damn, Cartman! Why didn�t block like that when we played the Cowboys?
CARTMAN: Were there Cheesy Poofs in the end zone?
KYLE: No.
CARTMAN: Well�huh! Maybe that�s the reason, asshole!
STAN: You�re such a dick, Cartman.
CARTMAN: You just shut up, hippie! Now where are those Cheesy Poofs!?
WENDY: There aren�t any Cheesy Poofs, Cartman. But look, you�ve saved these men�s lives (Points to the guards who are now curled up into the fetal position and mumbling psychotic rants about It's A Small World.). For once you�ve done something incredibly noble and unselfish. How do you feel now?
CARTMAN: Ah want mah Cheesy Poofs, Goddammit!
KYLE: Dudes! Look what I found!
[Everyone turns around. There is golden light shining on their faces and the angelic choir is singing an Alleluia. Kyle drives up in a golf cart covered with a big Mickey head.]
STAN: This kicks ass! Now we don't have to call Chef to get us back to the hotel!
CARTMAN: Ah call shotgun. KYLE: I get to drive since I found it.
WENDY: Stan and I will sit in the back�
[They all get in and start to drive off. The view switches to the rear as the golf cart drives off towards the horizon.]
WENDY: Stan, I hope we can tell this story to our grandchildren some day�
[We hear Stan barf. Cut to commercial.]
[Ext. view of the Orlando International Airport.]
[Int. view of the airport. The kids are waiting while Chef goes through all the lame questions again.]
STAN: Well, we found Cartman but where is Mr. Garrison?
KYLE: Yeah. The last time we saw him was at that 8-Trax place.
[Suddenly there is a flash of light. When it is gone there is a yellow suitcase with red flowers on it. It opens and Mr. Garrison and Big Gay Al get out.]
BIG GAY AL: Hello, Stanley! It's so super to see you! How are you doing?
STAN: I'm fine. How are you?
BIG GAY AL: I'm super! Thanks for asking! Are you on your way home now?
KYLE: Yep. Disney World is a really f*cked up place.
BIG GAY AL: Yes, like all places it has it's quirks, but there�s nowhere I would rather go for my big gay vacation and I'm so happy I�ve found a new big gay home for so many of my big gay animal friends here.
CARTMAN: Mr. Garrison? What were you doing with Big Gay Al?
MR. GARRISON: I wasn�t doing anything to him�I mean with him! With him, dammit! It was all Mr. Hat.
CARTMAN: (To Kyle.) Dude, that puppet is a gay homosexual.
KYLE: Totally.
BIG GAY AL: Well, I have to be off, too. Somewhere there are big gay people and animals that need my help. Good-bye, Stanley! Peace be with you!
STAN: Good-bye, Big Gay Al!
[Big Gay Al gets in his suitcase, it closes, and vanishes in a flash of light.]
MR. GARRISON: Well, did we learn anything on this trip?
KYLE: No.
CARTMAN: No.
WENDY: No.
STAN: You know, I think I�ve learned something here today.
KYLE: Really?
STAN: Yeah. I�ve learned that it doesn't matter what Disney park you go to. They all hold a bit of that special magic that made Walt Disney such a great man. And by going to these parks, we get to take a little of that magic home with us. Even if they do charge us $38 bucks a pop to take it home.
KYLE: That was beautiful, Dude.
STAN: You think so? I just made it up so Mr. Garrison wouldn�t try to teach us anything.
CARTMAN: (He�s crying.) Stan�*sniff*�that was�*sob*�one of the most�*sniff sniff*�moving speeches�*snark*�that Ah have ever heard! (He continues crying and saying stuff that is totally incoherent by this point.)
STAN: Hey, Cartman?
CARTMAN: Yeah�*sniff*�Stan?
STAN: You are the biggest, fattest, most gullible retard I�ve ever met!
CARTMAN: Goddammit! F*ck you, you son of a bitch!
[Credits and End Song.]
That was utter class, but the bits below were my favs. I'll read the others when I've got a few days to spare. Definately Trey and Matt standard.
Kick ass fic!
Dear Mr Dead
I am writing to express my sincere congratulations on some extremely high class Fan Fictions.
I found that the writing was excellent and expressed the true nature of South Park
The building suspense penned into some of your writing was only complimented by the excellent climaxes within the stories, which kept me eager to read more of your outstanding work.
The eloquence of your writing showed an outstanding knowledge of the characters backgrounds, as well as a witty and entertaining wisdom.
To sum up my points:
<go nuts> WHOOOOOOHOOOOOOO. Whoah dude!! Kickass Fics. </go nuts>
<<Clears Throat>> Umm, sorry about that.
Regards
---- Cronos ---- A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. My desk is a work station.
Stop it; you're going to make my blush. Seriously, I'm glad you liked them. As I stated somewhere above, I should have another one ready sometime in the week. I'll be sure to post it when I'm satisfied with it. BTW, it's really great to have you folks in the ng read these things and give me your comments; it shows that the people I've shown these things to at work aren't just patronizing me. Thanks again!
Mr. Dead
"Mr. Dead: Making the world safe for those who aren't living!"
The Canadian Beanfield War By Mr. Dead
[Warnings, song, and titles.]
[Ext. view, the bus stop. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman are all already there.]
STAN: Dude, I am totally excited!
KYLE: Yeah! I can�t believe Kenny is actually going to go to school without his hood on!
CARTMAN: Hey, you guys? Why isn�t Kenny going to wear his hood?
KYLE: Because, dumbass, it�s class picture day and Kenny wanted to do something different this year.
STAN: You know, I�m not sure I�ve ever even seen Kenny without his hood.
CARTMAN: Yeah...Ah wonder what he looks like...
KYLE: Shut up! Here he comes!
[Kenny walks up to Stan, Kyle, and Cartman.]
KENNY: Mmm mmmm, mmmm mm?
STAN, KYLE, AND CARTMAN: Hey, Kenny.
CARTMAN: So, Kenny, are you gonna take off you hood now, or what?
KENNY: Mmmm.
[Kenny reaches for his hood. Shot of Stan, Kyle, and Cartman huddled close together with their eyes wide open and their mouths hanging wide open.]
KYLE: Holy sh*t!
[Shot of Kenny from the back. The camera begins to revolve around him but, just before we get to see his face, the screen erupts into loud static.]
ANNOUNCER: We interrupt this program to bring you loud static! And now...Terrance...Phillip...Canada�s hottest action stars in the HBC Movie of the Week: The Canadian Beanfield War. Based on a true story.
[Ext. view, Terrance and Phillip�s house.]
PHILLIP: Oh, Terrance?
[Int. view, Terrance and Phillip�s living room. Terrance is wearing a chicken costume.]
TERRANCE: Yes, Phillip?
PHILLIP: Is there any more Kroft Dinner left? I am ravaged by hunger and fear that I may never see another day due to death by starvation!
TERRANCE: Let me look for a moment, Farmer Phillip.
[He gets off the couch and begins scratching around like a chicken.]
TERRANCE: No, I don�t think we do, Phillip. Wait! I know! Would you like me to try to lay an egg for you?
PHILLIP: Oh, Terrance, you have always been such a good friend to me! Yes, I would like an egg, Terrance.
TERRANCE: Terrific! Just one moment.
[He squats on the floor.]
TERRANCE: Ungh...wait...hnnng...I�ve almost got it out.
[He farts. They both start laughing.]
PHILLIP: Terrance! You pretended to lay an egg and you farted!
TERRANCE: I did, didn�t I?
[They continue laughing.]
PHILLIP: Well, we could always go to Karl�s Kroft Dinner Palace!
TERRANCE: Oh, yes! Let�s go to Karl�s Kroft Dinner Palace!
[The doorbell rings.]
PHILLIP: I�ll get it!
[He goes to the door and opens it to reveal a messenger.]
MESSENGER: Special delivery for Terrance and Phillip.
PHILLIP: I�ll take it.
MESSENGER: Sign here, and here, and here, and here...and here.
[Phillip signs there, and there, and there, and there...and there.]
MESSENGER: (Holding out his hand, waiting for a tip.) Ahem.
PHILLIP: Oh, yes. I almost forgot!
[He farts on the messenger. The messenger leaves and Phillip closes the door.]
PHILLIP: Oh, Terrance! We got a letter!
TERRANCE: A letter! What does it say, Farmer Phillip?
[Phillip opens the letter.]
PHILLIP: Oh my God!
TERRANCE: What is it, Phillip? Did that messenger fart before he left?
PHILLIP: No! It�s a letter from the government! They say we owe them seven years of taxes and if we don�t pay them in two days, they are going to repossess everything we own!
TERRANCE: Phillip?
PHILLIP: Yes, Terrance?
TERRANCE: Why didn�t we pay our taxes again?
PHILLIP: Because it�s too damned expensive. Oh, fate! Oh, tragedy! How you mock me! Here I stand starving and now I have no money to go to Karl�s Kroft Dinner Palace! Who could have done such a thing?
[Ext. view, Scott�s house.]
SCOTT: My plan is working perfectly!
[Int. view, Scott�s war room.]
SCOTT: Now that Terrance and Phillip are without any money, they will become homeless, stinky people. They will be mocked and ridiculed by all wherever they go. They will have no choice but to stop farting to conserve body heat just to live. They have no idea that I found their tax records and reported them. I�ve got you now, you fart-loving fart lovers.
[Dramatic chord and cut to commercial.]
[Ext. view, Terrance and Phillip�s house. The windows are broken out, the lawn is in dire need of mowing, and part of the door is missing.]
[Int. view, Terrance and Phillip�s living room. They are sitting on the couch, which is coming apart. Both of them are fairly haggard.]
PHILLIP: I can�t believe we�ve become destitute, Terrance. We�ve nothing to live for any longer and it�s only been 45 minutes since we got the news.
[He farts weakly and shivers. Both of them give half-hearted laughs.]
TERRANCE: I think I have an idea, Phillip!
PHILLIP: What is it, Terrance?
TERRANCE: Well, we need food and money. So, we�ll start a bean farm!
PHILLIP: That�s brilliant, Terrance! We can eat all the beans we want and sell the leftovers for the money to pay our taxes! But we need money to start, Terrance, and we have none.
TERRANCE: Not to worry, chum! I�ve got a friend who can help us!
PHILLIP: Fantastic, Terrance! Who is this friend of yours?
[Ext. view, a house with the initials �M.J.F.� on it. Terrance and Phillip walk up the sidewalk to the house. Terrance rings the doorbell. A small man, who looks like Ike but with a grown up head, answers the door.]
MAN: Yes? Terrance! You wonderful bastard! How have you been?
TERRANCE: Not so good, Michael J. Fox.
MICHAEL J. FOX: Really? What�s all the trouble aboot?
TERRANCE: Michael J. Fox, we are in need of money to start a bean farm so that we can pay our back taxes to the government or they will take everything from us.
MICHAEL J. FOX: Sure, Terrance! Anything for a fellow Canadian!
[Michael J. Fox, Terrance, and Phillip all start sing �O Canada." Other people wander into the yard and sing along with them.]
MICHAEL J. FOX: Here�s one million American dollars; bean farms are expensive.
PHILLIP: Why American dollars?
MICHAEL J. FOX: Because, unfortunately, our Canadian money is worthless, even to Canadians.
TERRANCE: Thank you, Michael J. Fox! How can I ever repay you?
MICHAEL J. FOX: Just sell all the beans you can and get yourself out of debt!
[Terrance and Phillip start walking down the sidewalk. As they are leaving, Michael J. Fox rips a huge fart, considering his small stature. All three laugh hysterically.]
[Ext. view, Scott�s house.]
[Int. view, Scott�s war room. There is an empty desk with a map of Terrance and Phillip�s house on it with little plastic soldiers all around it. Scott is nowhere to be seen. The phone rings.]
SCOTT: (Off screen.) Goddammit! Why does the phone always have to ring when I�m on the toilet!?
[Flushing sound. Scott runs into view and answers the phone.]
SCOTT: Hello, this is Scott speaking. Yes. Yes. They�ve what!? How can this be? Those sons-of-bitches, I�ll get them if it�s the last thing I do. They�ll rue the day they f*cked with Scott from Canada!
[Slams down the phone.]
SCOTT: So, Terrance and Phillip, you�ve opened a bean farm, eh? Very clever. But I�ll destroy you both soon enough.
[Ext. view of Terrance and Phillip�s house. Terrance and Phillip are in the front yard where they have built a �bean stand� with a sign that says �All the Beans You Can Eat -- $3.00!� There are quite a few people coming to their stand. Of course, there are multiple farting sounds going on the whole time.]
PHILLIP: People really seem to like our beans, Terrance!
TERRANCE: They sure do, Phillip, and we owe it all to Michael J. Fox!
[Cut to a tree in the yard. Scott is hiding behind it with a walkie-talkie in his hand.]
SCOTT: (Whispering.) Yes, they�re in place. Commence with the plan!
[Cut back to the bean stand. Suddenly, aboot six ninjas jump out of nowhere and begin waving their hands at Terrance and Phillip.]
TERRANCE: These pajama men certainly have an odd way of asking for beans, Phillip.
PHILLIP: Yes, I wonder if they�re begging for food?
[Scott walks onto the scene.]
SCOTT: You idiots! It�s not working at all! They�re not getting head cancer! Get the Hell out of here before I become angered and kill all of you with this walkie-talkie!
[The ninjas leave dejectedly.]
TERRANCE: Hello, Scott! Would you like some beans? Phillip and I grew them ourselves.
SCOTT: You son-of-a-bitch, you think you�ve beaten me! Well, I�ll find a way to annihilate you and your bean stand, you f*cking fart mongers!
PHILLIP: Hey, Scott?
SCOTT: What?
[Phillip farts. Terrance and Phillip both laugh.]
SCOTT: You bastard! I�ll be back!
[Scott leaves.]
PHILLIP: Terrance, why does Scott always try to ruin our plans?
TERRANCE: I don�t know, Phillip. Maybe he�s anti-Semitic.
PHILLIP: But, Terrance, we�re not Jewish and, besides, there are no Jews in Canada.
[Scott sneaks up behind Terrance and Phillip and sets up a portable stereo.]
SCOTT: (Whispering.) Let�s see you survive this, you fart eaters.
[Scott puts a pair of ear plugs in his ears, puts a tape in the stereo, pushes play, and runs away. The Celine Dion song from �Titanic� begins playing. People start running away from the bean stand screaming. Those who cannot run away, stab themselves in the head with their forks. Terrance and Phillip cover their ears.]
PHILLIP: (Shouting.) Holy crap, Terrance! What the Hell is this!?
TERRANCE: (Shouting.) It�s Celine Dion�s song from that film aboot how to drown in very cold water!
[A riot squad runs in and smashes the stereo. They put Terrance and Phillip in handcuffs and arrest them.]
CAPTAIN: You are under arrest for playing that Celine Dion song in a public place, causing mass suicide, and conspiracy to commit acts of jaywalking.
TERRANCE: I don�t understand. We didn�t set up that crap; we�ve been set up!
PHILLIP: Yes, we�re innocent!
CAPTAIN: You are part of a rebel alliance and traitors. Take them away!
[Ext. view, Canadian Jail.]
[Int. view, Canadian Jail. Terrance and Phillip are in a jail cell.]
PHILLIP: Terrance? How did that song get played at our bean stand? Did you play it just because you used to be married to Celine Dion and hoped that by playing it that you could win her back?
TERRANCE: No, chum. I don�t think I can ever forgive her for sleeping with Ugly Bob. Wait!
PHILLIP: What is it, Terrance, did you fart?
TERRANCE: No, it�s not that�but I did.
[They both laugh.]
TERRANCE: We get a phone call, right?
PHILLIP: We sure do! Let�s call Karl�s Kroft Dinner Palace and see if they will deliver here!
TERRANCE: Yes! We can do that, too! But first we need to call Celine Dion. Maybe she can explain to the police that we are innocent! Oh, guard?
GUARD: What do you want?
TERRANCE: We want to make our telephone calls now.
GUARD: Alright. This way.
[He opens the cell and leads Terrance and Phillip to a pay phone where he gives them each a quarter.]
GUARD: Just make it quick.
[Terrance puts his quarter in the phone and dials. The phone rings a few times. Cut to Celine Dion�s answering machine.]
CELINE DION: (On answering machine.) Hello. This is Celine Dion. I can�t come the phone right now so leave me a message after the beep.
[Cut back to the jail. Terrance hangs up the phone.]
PHILLIP: What did Celine Dion have to say, Terrance?
TERRANCE: She wasn�t home. I wonder where she could be?
[Ext. view, Celine Dion�s house. Celine Dion is looking out one of her top windows and smoking a cigarette.]
[Int. view, Celine Dion�s room.]
CELINE DION: It�s only a matter of time, Ugly Bob. The villagers are on their way.
[Ext. view, Celine Dion�s yard. There is a big unruly mob of angry villagers marching up to her front door, carrying torches and signs that read �Sink the Titanic song!� Some of them are carrying a battering ram.]
CELINE DION: We must make our stand here. Give them the lead!
[Ugly Bob opens another window and pours molten lead onto the villagers below.]
UGLY BOB: It�s not stopping them, Celine Dion! What in God�s name shall we do now?
CELINE DION: Come here, Ugly Bob!
[Ugly Bob walks over to the window Celine Dion is standing at. She pulls the paper bag off of his head and leans him out of the window so that he is looking down on the mob below.]
MAN: My God! Look at the hideous wretchedness! My eyes are melting!
[The mob starts screaming and runs away.]
[Cut back to the jail.]
PHILLIP: I�ll bet she�s sleeping with Ugly Bob again.
TERRANCE: Shut your ass, Phillip.
[Phillip farts.]
PHILLIP: I wish I could, Terrance!
[They laugh.]
PHILLIP: Oh, guard? Might I have another quarter? I really need to make two calls, please?
GUARD: Why not? You�re both going to be put to death in the gas chamber for playing that song in a public place. Here.
[He gives Phillip another quarter.]
PHILLIP: Thank you.
[He farts on the guard. Phillip puts one of his quarters into the phone.]
PHILLIP: Hello? Karl�s Kroft Dinner Palace? Do you deliver to the Canadian Jail? Terrific! We need two Kroft dinners right away. Thank you!
[He hangs up and puts his last quarter into the phone and dials.]
[Cut to Scott�s house. The phone rings.]
SCOTT: Hello?
PHILLIP: Scott! You�re a smelly bastard!
SCOTT: Damn you, Phillip! Damn you to Hell!
PHILLIP: Could you hold on, Scott? There are some other people who want to use the phone.
SCOTT: Sure.
[Terrance and Phillip fart into the phone.]
PHILLIP: That was the Tulip twins! They say hello!
SCOTT: You son-of-a-bitch! I�ll show you what�s funny! I�ll�
PHILLIP: Bye, Scott.
[He hangs up.]
GUARD: Time to go back to your cell.
[He leads them back to the cell.]
GUARD: And no funny business!
[The guard walks away.]
TERRANCE: Well, while we�re waiting for our Kroft dinner, let�s look for treasure!
PHILLIP: Yes! Let�s look for treasure!
[The �Looking for Treasure� music plays. Terrance and Phillip find all kinds of files, lock picks, shovels, manuals on how to escape from jail, etc.]
TERRANCE: Well, there�s nothing here worth keeping. What will we do until our Kroft dinner arrives?
PHILLIP: We could discuss Nietzsche.
TERRANCE: Oh yes! Let�s discuss Nietzsche. I�ll begin.
[He farts. The guard walks back in.]
GUARD: You two have a couple of visitors.
[Barky and Purry walk in.]
TERRANCE: Hello, Barky. Hello, Purry.
BARKY: Bark bark.
PURRY: Purr purr.
[Barky and Purry leave, farting as the do so. Terrance and Phillip erupt into enormous laughter.]
PHILLIP: That sure was fun, Terrance.
TERRANCE: It sure was, Phillip. Say, Phillip, we�ve been in jail for two hours and they�ve sentenced us to the gas chamber. How will we ever pay our taxes now?
PHILLIP: Maybe Celine Dion and your bastard daughter, Sally, will come and visit us when she learns that you are in jail.
TERRANCE: I suppose we can only hope.
[Scott walks into the cellblock.]
TERRANCE: Oh look, Phillip! It�s Scott! Hello, Scott! How are you?
SCOTT: Don�t play your games with me, you imbecile! You two are finally going to pay for you crimes against Canada! It will be a pleasure watching you both die in the gas chamber!
PHILLIP: Gas chamber?
[Terrance and Phillip burst into laughter.]
SCOTT: Why the Hell are you two morons laughing? Don�t you realize you�re going to die in an awful, horrible, and highly entertaining way?
[Terrance and Phillip stop laughing.]
TERRANCE: We�re going to die?
SCOTT: Yes! And I�ll see you both in Hell!
[Scott leaves.]
PHILLIP: Boy, Terrance, Scott sure is a dick!
[Cut to commercial.]
[Ext. view, Canadian Jail.]
[Int. view, Terrance and Phillip�s cell.]
[The guard walks in again.]
GUARD: You two have a delivery.
TERRANCE: It must be our Kroft dinner, Phillip!
PHILLIP: I sure am hungry, Terrance!
TERRANCE: Here, here!
[A Karl�s Kroft Dinner Palace deliveryman enters the cellblock.]
DELIVERYMAN: I have two Kroft dinners for Terrance and Phillip?
TERRANCE: I�ll get them!
DELIVERYMAN: Sign here, and here, and here, and here...and here.
[Terrance signs there, and there, and there, and there...and there.]
PHILLIP: Now to enjoy our Kroft dinner!
DELIVERYMAN: (Holding out his hand, expecting a tip.) Ahem.
TERRANCE: Oh, yes! Here you are! We don�t need these!
[Terrance hands the delivery man some of the lock picks, shovels, files, manuals on how to escape from jail, etc. The deliveryman leaves. The camera follows him for a while.]
GUARD: Hey! What do you have there?
[He searches the deliveryman.]
GUARD: (Holding up the items that make up the deliveryman�s tip.) And just what are these?
DELIVERYMAN: It�s my tip. That guy in there said they don�t need them.
GUARD: Aha! You were trying to smuggle in things that could break them out of jail, weren�t you! Well, I caught you, you smelly bastard!
[He pulls out his nightstick.]
[Cut back to the jail cell. Terrance and Phillip are eating their Kroft dinners. We can hear sounds of a horrific beating outside the cell.]
PHILLIP: Say, Terrance? Do you suppose that these Kroft dinners will be our final meal?
TERRANCE: I don�t know, Phillip, but, if they are, I�m glad that our last meal was Kroft dinner and that we lived in Canada!
PHILLIP: To Canada, Terrance!
TERRANCE: To Canada, Phillip!
[They both take big bites of their Kroft dinners and start singing �O Canada.� However, due to their full mouths, there is Kroft dinner flying in every direction while they are singing. The guards and other prisoners in the jail begin singing along.]
PHILLIP: Uh-oh, Terrance. I think that Kroft dinner might make me fart!
TERRANCE: Well, don�t fart on me!
[Phillip farts right on Terrance.]
TERRANCE: Oh! You are such an asshole, Phillip!
PHILLIP: I sure am, Terrance!
[They start laughing again. The guard comes back into the cellblock. He has several large bloodstains on him from the beating he gave the deliveryman. He also happens to be carrying a package.]
GUARD: This package is for you two assholes.
[He throws the packaged into the cell.]
TERRANCE: Look, Phillip! A package for us!
PHILLIP: I wonder who it could be from?
[Terrance opens the package and pulls out a letter, two pairs of ear plugs, a portable stereo, and a tape.]
TERRANCE: Phillip! It�s a letter from Celine Dion!
PHILLIP: What does it say? [As Terrance is reading the letter aloud, we hear Celine Dion reading the letter.]
CELINE DION: (Voice over.) Dear Terrance and Phillip, I am sorry I was not able to answer your call. The number on my caller ID said it was from the Canadian Jail and I knew that you were the only people I know who would be in jail. Oh, Ugly Bob says hello.
UGLY BOB: (Voice over.) Hi, guys!
TERRANCE AND PHILLIP: Shut up, Ugly Bob!
CELINE DION: (Voice over.) I know that you were wrongfully accused and I want to help you but my house is under siege by angry villagers and I cannot be there myself. I have enclosed a stereo, a tape, and two pairs of earplugs. But sure that you put the ear plugs in before you play the tape! Love, Celine Dion.
PHILLIP: God bless you, Celine Dion!
TERRANCE: Oh, wait there�s more on the back!
CELINE DION: (Voice over.) PS I�ve attached a picture of my and Ugly Bob�s child.
[Terrance holds up a photo of a baby with a brown paper bag on its head with eyeholes cut out of it.]
PHILLIP: What is that hideous child!?
TERRANCE: Goddamn you, Ugly Bob!
PHILLIP: Well, Terrance, I think we should make our escape right now.
TERRANCE: You�re right, Phillip. Oh, guard?
[The guard comes back again.]
GUARD: What the Hell do you want now, you sons-of-bitches!?
TERRANCE: We�re sorry we have to do this to you.
PHILLIP: Yes, please forgive us for what we are aboot to do.
GUARD: What are you talking aboot?
[Terrance and Phillip put in their earplugs. Terrance picks up the stereo, puts the tape in, cranks the volume, and presses play. Celine Dion�s Titanic song starts playing.]
GUARD: What are you doing!? Stop! Please, I beg of you!
[The guard�s skin melts off his body until there is nothing left but a skeleton in a uniform.]
PHILLIP: (Shouting.) Well, we should be on our way now, Terrance. I�ll get his keys.
[Phillip reaches through the bars to get the guard�s key but he can�t reach.]
TERRANCE: (Shouting.) Oh fate, how you mock us! Whatever shall we do now, Phillip?
PHILLIP: (Shouting.) I don�t know Terrance, I just don�t know.
[He grabs hold of the door for support. It swings open.]
TERRANCE: (Shouting.) How do you like that, Phillip? The door was open the whole time!
[They walk out of the cell and into the office part of the jail. Cops are running all over the place trying to get away from the sound of Celine Dion�s Titanic song.]
PHILLIP: (Shouting.) It looks like they�re going to let us go, Terrance!
TERRANCE: Yes! We should leave this place right away!
[Int. view, Scott�s war room. The phone rings.]
SCOTT: Yes, this is Scott. What!? How did they escape! They used Celine Dion�s Titanic song!? Those ruthless bastards!
[He slams down the phone.]
SCOTT: I don�t know how you have managed to outsmart me again, Terrance and Phillip, but it will be the last time! You fart f*cking morons, you�ve won this battle but I will destroy you yet!
[Ext. view, Canadian street. Terrance and Phillip are walking through the street, with that damn Celine Dion song still playing. People are running away from them, cars are actually driving off of the road and slamming into trees rather than hear the song.]
PHILLIP: (Shouting.) Say, Terrance? What are supposed to do now that we have escaped from our captors for a crime we did not commit?
TERRANCE: (Shouting.) I don�t know, Phillip. Maybe we should ask some of these people to help us.
[Terrance tries to approach several people but they all meet some horrible doom due to the Celine Dion song.]
TERRANCE: (Shouting.) Dammit! It looks like everyone is running away from me, Phillip, and I didn�t even fart!
PHILLIP: (Shouting.) Hey, Terrance?
TERRANCE: (Shouting.) What is it, Phillip?
PHILLIP: (Shouting.) Maybe if we turn off that stereo people won�t run in terror from us?
TERRANCE: (Shouting.) Oh, yes! I hadn�t thought of that!
[Terrance turns off the stereo. Life on the quiet street returns to normal and people are friendly once again. Both of them remove their earplugs.]
PHILLIP: (Shouting.) That certainly is better, Terrance!
TERRANCE: Phillip?
PHILLIP: (Shouting.) Yes, Terrance?
TERRANCE: Why are you shouting so?
PHILLIP: (Shouting.) I think I have some excess gas built up inside of me, Terrance, and it is causing me to shout so.
[Phillip lets out a long and tormented sounding fart. There are also some gurgling sounds.]
PHILLIP: Oh, God! I think I crapped my pants!
[Terrance and Phillip both laugh. As they are laughing, we can see that there is indeed a brown puddle growing underneath Phillip.]
TERRANCE: Maybe we should try asking these people for help again, Phillip?
PHILLIP: Wonderful idea, Terrance!
[They walk up to an average looking Canadian man. Phillip is leaving a liquidy brown trail wherever he goes.]
PHILLIP: Excuse me, sir, but we were wondering...
MAN: Oh my God! Get away from me, you crap monkey!
[The man runs away.]
TERRANCE: I wonder what made him run away?
PHILLIP: Um, Terrance?
TERRANCE: Yes, old pal?
PHILLIP: Remember when I said I thought that I had crapped my pants?
TERRANCE: Do I ever, Phillip! That was quite funny!
PHILLIP: Yes, well, I think I really did crap my pants.
[Terrance looks at Phillip, then at the brown puddle forming underneath Phillip.]
TERRANCE: Well, I suppose we�ll have to go back home and fetch a clean pair of pants for you, Phillip!
PHILLIP: Oh, Terrance, you are such a good friend to me. Promise you�ll never leave my side?
TERRANCE: What if I see some Kroft dinner and want to leave your side?
PHILLIP: For Kroft dinner!? You�d better leave my side for Kroft dinner, you silly bastard!
[They burst into laughter.]
[Ext. view, Terrance and Phillip�s house. There are police barricades and that yellow tape everywhere. There is also a SWAT team guarding the scene of the crime. Terrance and Phillip are hiding behind the tree in their yard.]
PHILLIP: (Whispering.) Oh no, Terrance! What will we do? They have surrounded our house! Now I�ll never get to change my pants and my anus will itch for all eternity!
TERRANCE: (Whispering.) Oh, good! There�s Barky and Purry! Never fear, Phillip! I have a fiendish plan! Follow me!
[Terrance, with Phillip following, gets Barky and Purry and walks right up to the SWAT cop that is guarding the door.]
SWAT COP: How long have you had these animals?
PHILLIP: Aboot three or four seasons.
TERRANCE: They�re for sale, if you want them.
SWAT COP: Let me see your identification.
TERRANCE: You don�t need to see his identification.
SWAT COP: I don�t need to see your identification.
TERRANCE: He can go aboot his business.
SWAT COP: You can go aboot your business.
TERRANCE: Now, move along.
SWAT COP: Move along, move along.
[He waves Terrance and Phillip inside. Barky and Purry follow.]
[Int. view, Terrance and Phillip�s living room.]
PHILLIP: My God, Terrance! How did we ever get past that bacon-man out there? I thought we were dead for sure!
TERRANCE: I don�t know, Phillip! I saw it once in a movie aboot wars that took place in the stars. I think it was called �Fighting in Space.� Now, let�s fetch you some clean pants!
PHILLIP: Oh no, Terrance!
TERRANCE: What is it Phillip? Did you fart so hard that your intestines came out again?
PHILLIP: No, it�s not that...
[Phillip looks down to his stomach. There is an awful gurgling noise.]
PHILLIP: I think I may crap my pants again!
TERRANCE: You�d better use the toilet, Phillip!
PHILLIP: Spectacular idea, Terrance!
[Phillip walks over to a door, opens it, and steps inside. Terrance follows him. The camera stays outside of the door.]
PHILLIP: Terrance, do you remember when I said I wanted you to promise that you�d never leave my side?
TERRANCE: I sure do, Phillip! And I promise I never will!
PHILLIP: Well...get out.
[Terrance walks out of the bathroom and the door closes behind him. There are quite a few sounds of dead bolts being thrown, padlocks locked into place, etc.]
TERRANCE: Oh, Phillip?
PHILLIP: (Somewhat muffled.) Yes, Terrance?
TERRANCE: Are you almost finished in there?
PHILLIP: (Somewhat muffled.) No, I haven�t even started yet.
[Suddenly there is huge, but somewhat muffled, fart sound followed by gurgling sounds and some kind of liquid hitting water.]
PHILLIP: (Somewhat muffled.) I�m almost finished now.
[The �Looking for Treasure� music starts playing but it�s muffled.]
TERRANCE: Say, Phillip?
PHILLIP: (Somewhat muffled.) What, Terrance?
TERRANCE: What are you doing in there now?
PHILLIP: (Somewhat muffled.) I�m searching for treasure!
TERRANCE: You�re what?
PHILLIP: (Somewhat muffled.) I�m searching for treasure!
TERRANCE: In the bathroom, Phillip?
PHILLIP: (Somewhat muffled.) Yes! Remember that penny I swallowed yesterday?
[Cut to commercial.]
[Int. view, Terrance and Phillip�s living room. Terrance is sitting on the couch waiting for Phillip to return from getting a clean pair of pants.]
TERRANCE: I wonder what�s taking Phillip so long. I�ve been sitting here for what seems like minutes!
[Barky and Purry run in, fighting. However, they aren�t fighting by biting and scratching; they�re fighting by farting on each other. Terrance laughs.]
TERRANCE: Phillip! You must come see this!
[Terrance is laughing so hard that he doesn�t see Barky and Purry stop fighting and leave. Phillip enters, wearing his clean pants.]
PHILLIP: What is it, Terrance?
TERRANCE: (Still laughing.) Barky and Purry are farting on each other!
PHILLIP: No, they�re not.
[Terrance stops laughing abruptly.]
TERRANCE: They�re not?
PHILLIP: No, you stupid dick! They�re not even here!
TERRANCE: Are you sure, Phillip?
PHILLIP: I think so, Terrance.
TERRANCE: Oh. Well, we�ve got to get back to selling beans so we can pay our taxes!
PHILLIP: Yes! But we can�t stay here and sell them!
TERRANCE: I have an idea!
PHILLIP: No, you don�t, Terrance.
TERRANCE: I don�t?
PHILLIP: No, I do. We must somehow move our bean farm and our bean stand away from our house.
TERRANCE: I know! Let�s use the semi!
PHILLIP: Yes! Let�s use the semi!
[Ext. view, Terrance and Phillip�s back yard. There is a large tractor-trailer with the entire bean farm loaded onto the flatbed it�s pulling. There is also a pickup truck that says �OVERSIZED LOAD� on it.]
PHILLIP: Are you ready to go, Terrance?
TERRANCE: I sure am, Phillip! Hey, Phillip?
PHILLIP: Yes, Terrance?
TERRANCE: Where are we taking the bean farm anyway?
PHILLIP: Hmmm...I hadn�t thought of that yet!
TERRANCE: How aboot Michael J. Fox�s house?
PHILLIP: No, I don�t think he�ll want a bean farm at his house.
[Ext. view, Michael J. Fox�s house. There is a huge banner on the front that reads �WELCOME, TERRANCE AND PHILLIP�S BEAN FARM!�. Michael J. Fox is just standing around outside.]
MICHAEL J. FOX: I wonder where those guys are?
[Cut back to Terrance and Phillip�s back yard.]
PHILLIP: I�ve got it!
TERRANCE: Is it gas, Phillip?
PHILLIP: No, not this time. We�ll take our bean farm to my old girlfriend�s house!
TERRANCE: Terrific, Phillip!
[Ext. view, Scott�s house.]
[Int. view, Scott war room. The phone rings and Scott answers.]
SCOTT: This is Scott. They returned to their house? Excellent! Send all your men to...what!? What to you mean they left? With the bean farm? Goddammit!
[He slams down the phone.]
SCOTT: They�ve gone mad! How could they go there!? This is sheer insanity!
[Ext. view, a house with the initials �A.M.� on it. Terrance and Phillip pull up in the semi and the pick up, respectively.]
TERRANCE: Hey, Phillip, why were all of those cars swerving off the road whilst we were driving here?
PHILLIP: I don�t know, Terrance. Maybe they smelled my new cologne and were so entranced by its aroma that they lost all control? Would you like to smell my new cologne, Terrance?
TERRANCE: I sure would, Phillip!
[Phillip farts and they both laugh.]
PHILLIP: I call it �Ode d�Ass�!
TERRANCE: Ode d�Ass burns my nose.
[They walk up the sidewalk and Phillip rings the doorbell. A woman screams from inside the house.]
WOMAN: (Somewhat muffled, but still easy to hear.) Coming!
TERRANCE: Um...Phillip?
PHILLIP: Yes, Terrance?
TERRANCE: Is she in some sort of danger that calls for us to make a dashing and heroic entrance to save her life?
PHILLIP: No, she�s like this a lot of the time.
TERRANCE: Oh.
[The woman opens the door.]
WOMAN: Yes? Phillip, is that you?
PHILLIP: Hello, Alanis Morissette. You�re looking well.
ALANIS MORISETTE: And you. What brings you here?
PHILLIP: We need to ask you a favor, Alanis Morissette.
ALANIS MORISETTE: What is it, Phillip?
PHILLIP: Alanis Morissette, could we put our bean farm here at your house?
ALANIS MORISETTE: What aboot Michael J. Fox?
[Ext. view, Michael J. Fox�s house. The banner is up still and there is a catering van in the driveway. There are caterers setting up.]
MICHAEL J. FOX: Just set that over there, guys. Where the Hell are Terrance and Phillip?
[Cut back to Alanis Morissette�s house.]
PHILLIP: We don�t think he would want the bean farm there.
ALANIS MORISETTE: Anything for you, Phillip. Phillip?
PHILLIP: Yes, Alanis Morissette?
ALANIS MORISETTE: Do you remember when we used to go to the theater?
PHILLIP: I sure do, Alanis Morissette!
ALANIS MORISETTE: Wasn�t that fun?
PHILLIP: I�ll say! I�ve never had that much fun at the theater ever since!
TERRANCE: What did you do at the theater that was so much fun?
PHILLIP AND ALANIS MORISETTE: (Smiling to each other.) Nothing.
[Int. view, Scott�s war room. Scott is playing with his plastic soldiers and a couple of toys that look like Terrance and Phillip.]
SCOTT: (Trying to sound like Terrance.) I sure hope those soldiers don�t kill us, Phillip!
SCOTT: (Trying to sound like Phillip.) You said it, Terrance!
[He puts the flame-thrower soldier by Terrance and Phillip and makes some really bad fire sound effects.]
SCOTT: (Trying to sound like Terrance.) Ahhhh! I farted just as he lit me on fire and now the flames are rushing through my colon!
SCOTT: Yes! Yes! Die you fart loving assholes! Burn in Hell! Ahahahaha!
[The phone rings and Scott answers.]
SCOTT: Ahahahahahahaha! I mean, hello? Yes, this is Scott. Where have they gone!? You�re sure about this? Goddammit! Not there! No. Escape is not their plan; I must face them alone.
[He hangs up.]
SCOTT: Your asses belong to me now, Terrance and Phillip.
[Ext. view, Alanis Morissette�s house. Terrance and Phillip have set up the bean stand again in her front yard. There are a great deal of people coming to have some of Terrance and Phillip�s beans, and, of course, farting.]
MAN: My God! These beans are delicious! What is your secret?
TERRANCE: We know what the bean-eating public wants because we are the bean-eating public!
PHILLIP: Hey, Terrance! I think we�ve almost gotten enough money to pay our taxes!
TERRANCE: Terrific, Phillip!
ALANIS MORISSETTE: How much do you owe, anyway?
PHILLIP: Ten American Dollars!
ALANIS MORISSETTE: That�s it? Why didn�t you just borrow it from Michael J. Fox?
[Scott walks up in a very fake disguise, a red hood and cape.]
SCOTT: (Trying to sound like a woman.) Excuse me, kind sirs?
TERRANCE: Oh, look, Phillip! It�s a Cardinal Scout!
PHILLIP: Hello, Cardinal Scott! We would like 3 dozen boxes of Boston Baked Bean Cookies, please?
ALANIS MORISSETTE: I don�t think she�s a Cardinal Scout.
SCOTT: (Voice changing back to normal for a moment.) What are you talking aboot!?
TERRANCE: Well, what is she then, Alanis Morissette?
ALANIS MORISSETTE: She�s Little Red Riding Hood, of course!
PHILLIP: Oh, yes! I�m sorry Miss Riding Hood! We didn�t recognize you without your picnic basket!
SCOTT: (Trying to sound like a woman.) Um, yes. You see, uh, that�s why I, uh, came here. You see...
TERRANCE: Oh, Miss Riding Hood? Would you sign this can of beans for me?
SCOTT: (Trying to sound like a woman.) Uh, okay.
[He signs the can of beans.]
TERRANCE: Oh, glorious day! Phillip! We have gotten the autograph of one of the world�s most famous pieces of wolf food!
PHILLIP: This truly is a glorious day, Terrance!
SCOTT: (Trying to sound like a woman.) Um, my grandfather...mother! Mother! Grandmother! is very ill and I, uh, would like to take her some of your, uh, beans to, um, help speed her recovery.
TERRANCE: This fabulous, Phillip!
PHILLIP: It sure is, Terrance! Not only have we gotten the autograph of one of the world�s most famous pieces of wolf food but she�s also buying some our beans as well!
TERRANCE: God bless you, Little Red Riding Hood!
[Phillip gives Scott some beans. Scott walks a few feet away and pretends to eat some beans.]
SCOTT: (Trying to sound like a woman.) Oh! My stomach! It hurts so much! I think I�m aboot to...to...
[Scott makes a sound like he�s throwing up and dumps out his beans, and some other pre-digested food he�s brought with him, onto the ground.]
SCOTT: (Trying to sound like a woman and yelling.) Everyone! Everyone! Did you see that? I ate some of their beans it made me throw up! Stop buying their beans! They�re poison!
[The people at Terrance and Phillip�s bean stand gather around gasping and muttering amongst themselves.]
TERRANCE: Hey! Wait a minute! You said those beans were for your ill grandmother! Why did you eat them?
PHILLIP: That�s right, Terrance! You got what you deserved, you bean thief!
ALANIS MORISSETTE: Let�s roast her onion!
SCOTT: Enough!
[He throws off the hood and cape.]
SCOTT: You fools! Can�t you see what Terrance and Phillip are doing here!? They�re trying to destroy our Canadian culture by getting you all to eat beans and fart thereby causing an increase in the methane gas in our atmosphere. When there is enough methane gas in our atmosphere, the Earth will become like a greenhouse, trapping in heat and not releasing enough back into space! We will all die because of Terrance and Phillip! Is that what you want!?
MAN: But the beans are so delicious.
[The crowd all murmur in agreement.]
SCOTT: It does not matter! What does matter is that Terrance and Phillip must be destroyed once and for all! We must tie them to a tree, shoot them several times, have them ripped into small pieces, and their bodies burned.
PHILLIP: You know something, Terrance? I�m beginning to think that Scott had something to do with our tax problem!
TERRANCE: And I�ll bet that he was the one responsible for that f*cking Celine Dion song that put us in jail!
SCOTT: Of course, it was me, you idiots! Who else would spend so much time planning your downfall, the government? Ha! Every time �the government� comes down on you, it�s really just someone like me who�s got it in for you!
[Phillip whispers something to Alanis Morissette.]
ALANIS MORISETTE: You�ve got it, Phillip!
[She goes inside.]
SCOTT: Where the Hell does she think she�s going?
TERRANCE: Hey, Scott?
SCOTT: What the Hell do you want, you asshole!?
[Terrance farts. Terrance and Phillip start laughing and farting uncontrollably.]
SCOTT: Goddammit! Cut that out! That is so immature! Stop it I say!
[Ext. view, Michael J. Fox�s house. The banner is still up, there is a huge spread of food, there is a stage built on the yard, and a great deal of people are gathering on the lawn.]
MICHAEL J. FOX: Everyone, I could have your attention, please? It seems that Terrance and Phillip�s bean farm won�t be coming here after all.
[The crowd groans in disappointment.]
MICHAEL J. FOX: But as a consolation we have...
ASSISTANT: Mr. J. Fox, sir?
MICHAEL J. FOX: What is it?
ASSISTANT: Telephone for you, sir.
MICHAEL J. FOX: Thank you, Snivelle. Hello? Yes, this is Michael J. Fox. They are!? We�ll be right there!
[He hangs up the phone.]
MICHAEL J. FOX: Everyone, I have a very important announcement to make...
[Ext. view, Alanis Morissette�s house. Terrance and Phillip have been tied to a tree in the front yard. Scott is standing by with a match.]
SCOTT: Maybe this will teach you two that farting is not funny!
TERRANCE: You are such a dick, Scott!
SCOTT: You�re a dick!
TERRANCE: You�re a dick!
SCOTT: You�re a dick!
TERRANCE: You�re a dick!
SCOTT: You�re a dick!
TERRANCE: You�re a dick!
SCOTT: I hope you know that one fart from you and you�ll be burnt to a crisp as the fire uses the methane from your farts as a fuel!
TERRANCE: Well, it looks like we�re done for, Phillip!
PHILLIP: It sure does, Terrance! Well, if we must die, it�s best that we die in Canada.
TERRANCE: You�re right, Phillip! Scott, may we have one last request?
SCOTT: What the Hell is it!?
PHILLIP: After our bodies have been reduced to ash, please bury us with a side of Kroft dinner?
SCOTT: Well, I don�t suppose it would hurt anyth...
[There is a rumbling that is getting louder and louder.]
SCOTT: What the Hell is that?
[Camera turns to look down the street. We can here Richard Wagner�s �Ride of the Valkyries� getting louder and louder. When it is at its loudest, a monster truck with Michael J. Fox inside it jumps over the hill followed by hundreds of Canadians, in slow motion.]
PHILLIP: She did it, Terrance! Alanis Morissette got through to Michael J. Fox!
TERRANCE: We�re saved!
SCOTT: No! No! This can�t be happening! I am so close to destroying Terrance and Phillip for all time!
[The hundreds of Canadian trample over Scott to get to the bean farm. Farts and money are flying everywhere. Michael J. Fox cuts Terrance and Phillip free with a knife that is about twice his size.]
TERRANCE: Thank you, Michael J. Fox! Without your help Phillip and I surely would have perished!
MICHAEL J. FOX: You�re welcome, Terrance. Hey, why didn�t you guys just come to my house?
PHILLIP: We didn�t think that you would want a bean farm on your property so we came here.
MICHAEL J. FOX: But all of my planning went to waste!
ALANIS MORISSETTE: Here, have some beans!
[She gives Michael J. Fox some beans. He eats them and farts. Everyone laughs.]
SCOTT: Uh...goddamn you, Terrance and Phillip! You haven�t heard the last of me!
ALANIS MORISSETTE: You need some beans, too!
SCOTT: No! No! Keep them away from me1
[Alanis Morissette force-feeds the beans to Scott.]
SCOTT: Say! These beans are pretty tasty. Wait. What is this sensation I feel? It feels like a balloon expanding in my colon! No! No! It can�t be! Noooooooooooo!
[Scott farts and passes out.]
TERRANCE: Jesus Christ, Scott! That sure was a stinky one!
[Everyone laughs!]
PHILLIP: Well, Terrance, it looks like we�re going to be able to pay our taxes and keep our bean farm!
TERRANCE: This is the happiest day of my life, Phillip!
PHILLIP: Same here, Terrance!
ALANIS MORISSETTE: Say, Phillip, would you like to go to the theater with me?
[Phillip gets a great big goofy smile on his face.]
PHILLIP: I sure would, Alanis Morissette!
MICHAEL J. FOX: Only in Canada!
ALANIS MORISSETTE: Only in Canada!
TERRANCE: In Canada, Phillip!
PHILLIP: In Canada, Terrance!
[Everyone starts singing �O Canada� in a grand finale.]
[Closing credits and song.]
Cartman Die(t)s By Mr. Dead
[Warnings, song, and titles.]
[Ext. view, Cartman's house.]
[Int. view, Cartman's kitchen. Cartman is sitting at the table eating breakfast like a pig. Naturally, everything on the table is extremely fattening.]
MRS. CARTMAN: Would you like some more chocolate bacon rolls, Hon?
CARTMAN: Yeah! And, uh, Mom?
MRS. CARTMAN: Yes, dear?
CARTMAN: Could Ah have some more double cheese pancake omelets with marshmallow sauce?
MRS. CARTMAN: Sure, Hon!
[Mrs. Cartman exits to get Cartman's food.]
CARTMAN: Sweet.
[Int. view, Cartman's bathroom. He is on a stool at the sink. He has his toothbrush out, ready to brush his teeth.]
CARTMAN: (Yelling.) Mom?
MRS. CARTMAN: (Off screen.) What is it, Eric?
CARTMAN: (Yelling.) Do Ah hafta brush mah teeth? It totally sucks ass!
MRS. CARTMAN: (Off screen.) What have I told you about not brushing your teeth now, Eric?
CARTMAN: (Yelling.) Little boys who don't brush their teeth always end up getting their fireman chopped off in prison or become gay homosexuals.
MRS. CARTMAN: (Off screen.) That's right, honey. Now brush your teeth like a good boy!
CARTMAN: (Under his breath.) Weak.
[Cartman gets out the toothpaste and looks around. He looks at the toilet, smiles, takes the cap off the toothpaste, walks over to the toilet, and empties the entire tube into the toilet.]
CARTMAN: Eh, Mr. Hankey needs to brush his teeth anyway.
[Flushes the toilet and goes back to the sink.]
CARTMAN: Mom! We're all out of toothpaste! Now Ah can't brush mah teeth!
MRS. CARTMAN: (Off screen.) Just look in the cabinet; you can use mine, honey!
CARTMAN: (Under his breath.) This is f*ckin' weak.
[He opens up the cabinet and we can see boxes of condoms, edible underwear, a can of whipped cream, etc., and a tube of toothpaste. Cartman grabs the can of whipped cream.]
CARTMAN: This'll do the job. Heh heh, Ah am a genius.
[He sprays some whipped cream on his toothbrush and begins brushing. When he is finished, he grabs the can of whipped cream, sticks the nozzle in his mouth, and starts taking huge hits of whipped cream from the can until it's empty.]
CARTMAN: Sweet.
[Ext. view, South Park Elementary.]
[Int. view, Cafeteria. Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny are all in line for lunch.]
KYLE: Hey, Stan, what's Chef serving for lunch today?
STAN: I think the menu said we're having Chef's Special Chili and chocolate frosted sugar crunch for desert.
[Cartman burps.]
CARTMAN: Chocolate frosted sugar crunch!? Kick ass!
STAN: Damn, Cartman! Don't you ever brush your teeth!?
CARTMAN: Ay! Ah'll have you know that Ah brush mah teeth everyday!
KYLE: With what, toilet water and ass nuggets?
KENNY: Mmmm mmmmn mmnmm mmm nmmm!
CARTMAN: Goddammit! Ah will kick you squa' in the nuts, you poor son-of-a-bitch!
KYLE: If your breath doesn't kill him first.
[Stan, Kyle, and Kenny laugh.]
CARTMAN: That's it! F*ck all of you! Ah'm not gonna take that sh*t from you assholes anymore!
[The kids move up in line to where Chef is.]
CHEF: Hello, children!
STAN, KYLE, KENNY, AND CARTMAN: Hey, Chef.
CHEF: How are my little crackers today?
STAN, KYLE, KENNY, AND CARTMAN: Fine.
KYLE: Except Cartman; his mouth smells like Skuzzlebutt took a crap in there and died on top of it!
CARTMAN: You just shut up or Ah will kick you in the nuts! Chef, are we really having chocolate frosted sugar crunch today?
CHEF: We sure are, children, and I've added a special treat to it -- I froze it!
KYLE: Why?
CHEF: Because then it's like ice cream and everyone likes ice cream.
STAN: Dude, why the Hell would we want ice cream!? Haven't you seen the three feet of snow on the ground?
CHEF: Well, if that's the way you feel about that, children, fudge ya. I'll give yours to the fat kid.
CARTMAN: Sweet! Ay! Waitaminute...Ah am not fat, Goddammit!
[Chef gives the kids their food and they go sit down.]
STAN: Dammit! What's with Chef!?
KYLE: Yeah! Why did he give fat-ass our desert!?
CARTMAN: Hmm, well, let's just see hya. Could it be because you guys are all hippies and hippies suck?
KENNY: Mmmm mmm mmmmmmmn.
STAN: You tell 'im, Kenny.
KYLE: Hey, Stan, are we still all sleeping over at your house tonight?
STAN: Yep! I've got all kinds of soda and chips and stuff!
CARTMAN: Do you have Cheesy Poofs and Snacky Cakes?
STAN: Oh, I see. Your just hoping you're still invited, isn't that right, you f*ckin' fat-ass!?
CARTMAN: Goddammit! Ah am not fat, ya butt-licker! Ah just want to know.
STAN: You are such a f*cking retard, Cartman.
KYLE: Are you going to have movies, too?
STAN: Yep!
KENNY: Mmmm mmm mm mmmmnmm mm?
STAN: What!? Sick, Dude! Why would I have that kind of movie!?
[The kids start eating. Cartman, naturally, eats his chocolate frosted sugar crunch first. After he takes a few bites, there is a loud cracking sound, followed by a few seconds of silence.]
KYLE: What the Hell was that?
STAN: I don't know, Dude! It sounded like someone broke a rock or something. What do you think it was, Cartman?
[Cartman has stopped eating and is just staring straight ahead.]
STAN: Cartman?
[No change in Cartman.]
STAN: Goddammit, Cartman! What's wrong!?
CARTMAN: (In a weak voice.) Ah...Ah don't think Ah'm hungry anymore, you guys, seriously.
KYLE: What's the matter?
[Cartman puts a hand up to his mouth. When he brings it back down, we can see a small, whitish object in it. Zoom in to show it's a tooth.]
STAN: Damn, Cartman! You broke a tooth clean off!
KYLE: Dude, you could get out of school for that!
CARTMAN: (In a weak voice.) You guys...Ah don't feel so good.
[Cartman passes out.]
[Cut to commercial.]
[Ext. view, South Park Dentistry.]
[Int. view, lobby. Cartman and Mrs. Cartman are sitting the waiting room. There is German techno music playing over the PA instead of the usual muzak.]
CARTMAN: Mom?
MRS. CARTMAN: What is it, honey?
CARTMAN: Do Ah hafta see the dentist? Can't we just super glue mah tooth back in?
MRS. CARTMAN: I'm sorry, Eric, but you need to have him take a look at it. Besides, if your appointment goes well, I make you triple peanut butter salmon patties!
CARTMAN: Well, Ah guess that's pretty sweet...
[The door to the dentist's rooms opens and his assistant comes out. She has a very German-techno look to her.]
ASSISTANT: You are zeh Eric Cartman, correct?
CARTMAN: Uh, yes, ma'am.
[The assistant gets out a horse whip and starts hitting her hand with it.]
ASSISTANT: Zen gittenzie back here right now!
[She cracks the whip in the air.]
CARTMAN: Yes, ma'am!
[Cartman jumps off his chair and runs into the back offices.]
[Int. view, examining room. The assistant enters the room followed by Cartman.]
ASSISTANT: Now zen, you vill sit in zeh chair vhile I take a look at zyour teess.
[Cartman tries to get in the chair but it's too high and he's too small and fat.]
CARTMAN: Ugh...urf...OK, OK, one...more...time...hngh...
[Cartman's sounds of strain quickly become incoherent whining sounds. The assistant cracks her whip near Cartman's fat ass and he jumps right into the chair.]
ASSISTANT: Now, just sit back unt relax.
[The assistant turns on the overhead light and shines it in Cartman's face.]
CARTMAN: Ow! Goddammit! Turn down that f*ckin' light right now! It's hurtin' mah f*ckin' ahs!
ASSISTANT: Silence! You vill be qviet!
[The assistant pokes around in Cartman's mouth for a while before turning away from it. She turns a sickly green color.]
ASSISTANT: I...I vill send Herr Doktor right in.
[She runs out of the room. We hear vomiting sounds from the hallway. Cartman starts looking around the room, gets out of the chair, and starts looking in the cabinets.]
CARTMAN: Hmm, wonder what's in hya?
[He opens on of the cabinets to reveal a tub of gum.]
CARTMAN: Chewy Bubbly Gum! Kick ass!
[Cartman opens several pieces and stuffs them into his mouth. He starts chewing, but soon chews more slowly, then more slowly, then stops. He takes a look at the tub and turns it around. There is a big, smiling tooth on the back that's saying "Sugar Free!" Cartman's eyes go wide.]
CARTMAN: What the Hell have Ah just put in mah mouth!?
[He spits the gum out and spits all over trying to get the taste out of his mouth.]
CARTMAN: Goddammit! Ah need to get it out!
[He looks around and sees the spit sink with it's cup of water at the ready. He tries to climb back into the chair to get at the sink, falling on his ass several times before finally getting back in the chair. Cartman gets the cup of water and takes a drink. His eyes go wide again and he spits out the water.]
CARTMAN: What the Hell is this sh*t!?
[The dentist comes into the room. He's a real German techno dance club freak. He's also got cherry red hair.]
DR. WOLFEN: Ach! Greetings, Herr...Cartman. I am Doktor Volfen. Zee nurse zays zat zyou haff von uff zeh vorst cases uff teess decay she has ever zeen. Vould zyou care to tell me how zat happened?
CARTMAN: Uh...well...Ah...uh...Ah brush mah teeth every day?
DR. WOLFEN: Zen zyou must brush viss zeh toilet water unt ass nuggets. Zere iss zeh vomit all over zeh rug in zeh hallvay! Now, lean back, openzie mouse, unt open vide. Ve shall see vhat ve shall see...
[Dr. Wolfen looks in Cartman's mouth for a few seconds.]
DR. WOLFEN: Vell, it vill reqvire qvite a bit of vork to fix zat mess in zyour mouse, Herr Cartman. I vill need to youse der gasenhosen.
[Dr. Wolfen gets the nitrous oxide tank and mask ready.]
DR. WOLFEN: Now, just breeze, Herr Cartman. Zis vill help zyou to relax vhile I vork on zyour mouse. Ya?
CARTMAN: I guess so. Is this gonna kill me or something? Hey, you ain't givin' me no f*ckin' anal probe!
DR. WOLFEN: Herr Cartman, pleese, calmenzie down. I vill do nusing to harm zyou, I assure zyou. Just relax.
[Dr. Wolfen puts the gas mask on Cartman. The screen blurs and fades into black.]
[Caption in big block letters: "THIRTY MINUTES LATER..."]
[Cartman's POV. Everything is blurry. Blinks a few times. The room starts to come into focus.]
DR. WOLFEN: Ah, Herr Cartman! Zyou are avakening! Gudt!
[Cartman starts trying to speak.]
DR. WOLFEN: Nein! Zyou must not tryen to shpeaken yet! I need to shpeak wiss zyour muzer. Fraulein Cartman? Please to be coming in hya.
[Mrs. Cartman enters the room.]
MRS. CARTMAN: Yes, Doctor?
DR. WOLFEN: Fraulein Cartman, ve had to do very much vork. Zyour son hass vhat ve like to call a "reeking hole."
MRS. CARTMAN: Oh my! Is there anything you can do, doctor?
DR. WOLFEN: Ya, ya. I vent ahead unt did zeh vork but it vas not cheap! I trust zat zyou have zee inzurance?
MRS. CARTMAN: Oh, dear. I'm afraid I don't.
DR. WOLFEN: (Eyeing Mrs. Cartman.) Oh, don't vorry. I am sure zat ve can arrange zumsing. Vould zyou like to zee zeh vork I haff done?
MRS. CARTMAN: Certainly!
[Previous to this moment, Dr. Wolfen and Mrs. Cartman have been standing in front of Cartman. Now that they move out of the way, we can see that Cartman's jaw has been wired shut.]
CARTMAN: (As if through clenched teeth.) Goddammit! Ah am gonna kick your Nazi bitch ass all the way back to Belgium, you son-of-a-f*ckin'-bitch!
MRS. CARTMAN: Um, Dr. Wolfen?
DR. WOLFEN: Ya, Fraulein?
MRS. CARTMAN: Well, I don't want to tell you how to do your job, but was it really necessary to wire his mouth shut like that?
DR. WOLFEN: Oh Hell ya! Zyou zee, Fraulein, zyour son's condition vas vorse zen any case I haff ever zeen! I vired hiss mouse shut so zat he vill not be eating zeh candy unt zeh cakes.
[Dr. Wolfen reaches off screen and picks up a bowl full of chocolates.]
DR. WOLFEN: Vould zyou care for a real German chocolate?
[Cartman is screaming incoherently in the background.]
MRS. CARTMAN: Why, yes! Thank you, Dr. Wolfen.
[Cut to commercial.]
[Ext. view, Stan's house, night.]
[Int. view, Stan's living room. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are sitting on the couch watching TV, surrounded by bags of Cheesy Poofs, boxes of Snacky Cakes, etc. They have their sleeping bags rolled out on the floor.]
KYLE: Hey, Stan?
STAN: What?
KYLE: What's the name of this movie again?
STAN: I don't know; I thought you guys were watching it?
KYLE: Dude, this is the Lifetime channel. Why the Hell would we watch anything here?
KENNY: Mmm mmmm mm mmmmnm mmnmmmn mm.
KYLE: Really? Are any of them Miss Ellen?
STAN: I think Cartoon Central is having another Terrance and Phillip marathon!
KYLE: Again!? Jesus! How many times can they show reruns of the same f*cking shows we've seen hundreds of times!?
STAN: So, you don't want to watch Terrance and Phillip?
KYLE: Yeah, Dude, turn it on.
[Stan changes the channel. We hear typical Terrance and Phillip. The kids are laughing the whole time. The doorbell rings.]
STAN: Goddammit! It better be Cartman or else someone is getting some tazer.
KYLE: Kenny! Quick! If it is Cartman, we'll have to hide all the snacks if we want any later!
[Stan answers the door.]
STAN: Cartman!?
[Cartman has started to lose weight. His hat keeps falling over his eyes, his mittens and pants keep slipping down, and he has no shoes.]
CARTMAN: (As if through clenched teeth and somewhat apathetic.) Hey, Stan. What's up?
[Kyle and Kenny come to the door.]
KYLE: Cartman! Where the hell are your shoes!?
CARTMAN: (As if through clenched teeth and somewhat apathetic.) Well, Ah was wearing them but mah feet seem to be smaller and they fell off on the way here.
KYLE: You mean your feet aren't as fat as they use to be!
[Stan, Kyle, and Kenny laugh at Cartman's misfortune.]
CARTMAN: (As if through clenched teeth.) You f*ckin' son-of-a-bitch! Ah will...
[Cartman starts sniffing the air.]
CARTMAN: (As if through clenched teeth.) Ah will...ah will...Cheesy Poofs! Snacky Cakes!
[Cartman runs past Stan, Kyle, and Kenny into Stan's living room.]
KYLE: Goddammit! Now fat-ass is going to eat all our snacks! (Sarcastically.) Nice job, Kenny!
[Kyle punches Kenny in the face.]
[Stan, Kyle, and Kenny go into the living room. Cartman has found the snacks but he's just sitting there, crying.]
STAN: Cartman? What's the matter?
CARTMAN: (As if through clenched teeth.) You guys...Ah can't...Ah can't eat anything ever again, seriously.
STAN: Really? Why?
CARTMAN: (As if through clenched teeth.) Just look you, f*ckin' asshole!
[Cartman opens his mouth as much as he can.]
KENNY: Mmmn mmmnmmm mmmnm mmn Mmm!
KYLE: Yeah, Cartman! You look just like Stan's sister!
STAN: Wow, Dude. That must suck.
KYLE: No, it doesn't!
CARTMAN: (As if through clenched teeth.) What the f*ck is that supposta mean!?
KYLE: If Cartman can't eat, then we don't have to worry about running out of snacks tonight!
STAN: Hey, yeah! Cartman's dentist kicks ass!
CARTMAN: (As if through clenched teeth.) You guys can just shut the Hell up, thank you very much.
KENNY: Mmm mmmm mm mnmm mmmm mnm mmmm!
[Stan, Kyle, and Kenny laugh.]
KYLE: Yeah! Good thinking, Kenny!
CARTMAN: The what files!?
[Ext. view, Chef's house, night. The kids are walking up Chef's sidewalk. Cartman is struggling to keep his clothes with him.]
STAN: Alright. We're here. Jesus Christ, Cartman!
[Cartman has lost his coat.]
CARTMAN: (As if through clenched teeth.) What?
KYLE: What!? Cartman, you lost your coat!
CARTMAN: (As if through clenched teeth.) Oh, yeah. Ah guess Ah have.
STAN: Aren't you freezing?
KYLE: Yeah. It's not like you have all that blubber you used to.
[Stan, Kyle, and Kenny laugh.]
CARTMAN: (As if through clenched teeth.) Goddammit! Ah will kick each one of you squa' in the nuts, you f*ckin' sh*t eatin' pig f*ckin' asshole sons-of-bitches!
STAN: Go screw yourself, Cartman.
CARTMAN: Goddammit!
[Cartman tries to kick Stan squa' in the nuts but his pants fall down. He tries it three more times, with the same results everytime.]
[Stan rings Chef's doorbell. Chef answers the door.]
CHEF: Hello, children!
STAN, KYLE, CARTMAN, KENNY: Hey, Chef.
CHEF: And how are my little crackers tonight.
CARTMAN: (As if through clenched teeth.) Bad.
CHEF: Why bad?
STAN: Cartman broke one of his teeth on your chocolate frosted sugar crunch and he went to the dentist and got his jaw wired shut!
CHEF: Well, children, it's like I always say: You should never eat frozen chocolate frosted sugar crunch.
KYLE: But you're the one who gave it to us, Chef.
CHEF: No no no! I mean outside of school. You see, children, the state says I have to give you food that you either can't eat or don't like for lunch at school.
STAN: What about Salisbury steak?
CHEF: Well, that's just our little secret, children.
STAN: Oh.
CHEF: Say, what dentist did he go to?
CARTMAN: (As if through clenched teeth.) Ah think he said he name was Dr. Volfen.
CHEF: Dr. Wolfen!?
[Dramatic chord.]
CHEF: Oh, fudge! Children, you've got to promise to stay away from him!
STAN: Well, why?
KYLE: Yeah, because of him, we'll still have snacks tonight!
CHEF: Because he's evil, children!
KYLE: What do you mean?
CHEF: You mean you children haven't heard?
STAN, KYLE, KENNY, AND CARTMAN: No.
CHEF: He started out as a normal dentist. His brother was training him but one day he left and started going to the most evil dentists' college in the world!
STAN: What dentists' college was that?
CHEF: The Kenny G and Michael Bolton School of Tooth Hurting!
[The kids all shudder.]
CHEF: He's the one dentist who doesn't recommend brushing after every meal!
KYLE: You mean like when a commercial says four out of five dentists recommend it he's the one who doesn't recommend brushing?
CHEF: That's right! Now do you all see why you shouldn't go to him anymore?
STAN, KYLE, KENNY, AND CARTMAN: Yes.
CHEF: That's good. Now what are you children doing out this late?
KYLE: We want to know if we can borrow some tapes from you?
CHEF: What tapes?
[Kyle whispers to Chef. We can hear what he's saying.]
CHEF: Oh, sure, children!
[Chef goes inside for a second. When he returns, he's holding some tapes with a single large X on each one.]
CHEF: Here you go, Kyle. I hope you...
[Chef notices that Cartman has no coat on.]
CHEF: What the Hell is the matter with you, boy!?
CARTMAN: (As if through clenched teeth.) What?
CHEF: Why the Hell aren't wearing a coat!? Don't you know how cold it is!?
KYLE: Oh, he lost it.
CHEF: Lost it?
STAN: He's losing a lot of weight since his mouth is wired shut.
CHEF: Hold on. Let me get you something to wear...
[Chef goes inside. We follow him to a closet. Up on the top shelf of the closet is a big row of chef hats. He takes on down, cuts three holes in it and, returns to the front door.]
CHEF: Here you are, children.
[Chef gives Cartman the hat. Cartman puts it on so that his head and arms are sticking out.]
STAN: Killer! Thanks, Chef!
KYLE: Yeah! And thanks for the tapes!
CHEF: No problem, children!
[The kids leave.]
CHEF: Kids these days grow up so fast. One day, they're wanting Salisbury steak; the next day, they're wanting to do Gillian Anderson!
[Cut to commercial.]
[Ext. view, street, night. The kids are walking back to Stan's house.]
CARTMAN: (As if through clenched teeth.) You guys, Ah don't think Chef's hat is working. Ah am freezing over hya!
STAN: Dammit, Cartman! Can't you wait until we get back to my house!?
CARTMAN: (As if through clenched teeth.) No Ah can't, Mr. I-Have-A-F*ckin'-Coat!
STAN: Fine. Where are we?
KYLE: I think we're near Mr. Garrison's house.
CARTMAN: (As if through clenched teeth.) Oh, no! You guys ain't gettin' me to go there!
KYLE: No, you retard! We know someone else around here.
CARTMAN: (As if through clenched teeth.) Really?
STAN: Yeah, and I think his clothes might fit you, too!
CARTMAN: (As if through clenched teeth.) Sweet! Who is it!?
[Int. view, a room. The kids are facing the camera so we can't see who they're talking to.]
KYLE: So, that's why we're here. Can you help us?
[Camera angle changes to reveal that it's Pip that Kyle was talking to.]
PIP: O, Glorious Day! I just knew that you chaps would want to become my friends someday!
STAN: Shut up, Pip! No one here wants to be your friend!
CARTMAN: (As if through clenched teeth.) Ah can't believe that you assholes want me to wear Pip's f*ckin' gay homosexual clothes!
KYLE: Would you rather look like a fruit or be a Freezy Pop, ass-master!?
CARTMAN: (As if through clenched teeth.) Weak.
PIP: Now then, Eric, what would you like to wear? I have this lovely chemise that I got for...
CARTMAN: (As if through clenched teeth and screaming.) Ah don't care, Goddammit! Just give me some f*ckin' clothes, you f*ckin' French piece of frog sh*t!
[Pip gives Cartman a set of clothes. Cartman goes behind a changing screen. When he comes out from behind it, he is dressed just like Pip.]
PIP: Now, we're twins, chum!
CARTMAN: (As if through clenched teeth.) This is f*ckin' weak.
[Ext. view, Stan's house, night.]
[Int. view, Stan's living room.]
CARTMAN: Hey, Kyle, what movies did you get from Chef?
KYLE: It's a surprise. Just sit down and let us get everything ready.
[Cartman climbs onto the couch.]
STAN: Alright. Kenny, you turn off the lights.
KENNY: Mmmm.
[Kenny turns the lights off.]
STAN: Kyle, you put the tape in.
[Kyle puts a tape in the VCR. Stan pulls out a roll of duct tape.]
STAN: And I'll secure the area!
CARTMAN: Uh, Stan, what is that duct tape for?
STAN: I'm going to tape you to the couch so you can't run away.
CARTMAN: And why would Ah run away again?
KYLE: Because, fat-ass, we're going watch The X-Files!
[Cartman passes out. Stan tapes Cartman to the couch. He also tapes Cartman's eyes open.]
STAN: OK, Kenny, wake him up now.
[Kenny punches Cartman in the head.]
CARTMAN: Ay! What the Hell is all this!? And what the Hell was that about me being fat, Kyle!?
KYLE: Oh, yeah. I guess your not fat anymore.
CARTMAN: Damn f*ckin' straight.
KYLE: But you're still a pig f*cker.
CARTMAN: You son-of-a-bitch! Ah'll kill you!
[Cartman tries to get Kyle but he is securely taped to the couch. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny laugh.]
STAN: This is going to be sweet!
[Stan goes to the VCR and pushes play.]
KYLE: I hope the smoking man's in this one!
[There comes a knock at the door.]
STAN: Who the f*ck could that be!?
KYLE: Tell 'em to go away!
[Stan goes answers the door.]
STAN: Go the Hell awa...
[There's no one there. Stan goes back to the living room.]
KYLE: Who was it, Dude?
STAN: Nobody. Just some dumb-ass playing a prank, I guess.
[There comes another knock at the door.]
STAN: That sick son-of-a-bitch! C'mon, let's go kick his ass!
[Kyle and Kenny get up and follow Stan to the front door.]
STAN: Alright, I'll open the door. Kyle, you throw Kenny at him. Kenny, uh, just, um, do something. Ready?
[Stan opens the door, Kyle throws Kenny outside. However, there is no one there and Kenny crashes into the sidewalk head first.]
KENNY: Mmm mmmmm mmnnmmmnmm!
KYLE: Sorry.
[Kenny comes back inside. Stan closes the door. We see a man who looks just like Dr. Wolfen only with blue hair was behind the door. Dramatic chord. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny scream and run into the living room.]
CARTMAN: : (As if through clenched teeth.) Well, Ah hope that asshole kicked the sh*t out of you guys, seriously!
STAN: Cartman! There's someone in the house! We've got to get out of here!
CARTMAN: (As if through clenched teeth.) Sure, you guys, whatever! There's someone the house! Like Ah'm gonna believe that. You guys are just tryin' to...aaahhhhh!
[The man has come into the living room now. The kids are screaming and running around the room, except Cartman who is still duct taped to the couch.]
MAN: Calmenzie down, children, pleesse!
[The kids calm down.]
MAN: I am Vilhelm Volfen. Mein bruzsa iss zeh dentist in zis town. On uff zyou saw him zeh uzsa day, ya?
KYLE: (Pointing to Cartman.) Yeah! Fat boy did...I mean, dumb-ass did!
WILHELM WOLFEN: Zen I must examine him right avay! Openzie, please?
[Wilhelm gets out some dental tools and Cartman opens his mouth as much as he can.]
WILHELM WOLFEN: Mein Gott! I never sought zat bastard vould go zis far!
STAN: What is it?
WILHELM WOLFEN: Vell, it iss complicated. Zyou zee, mein bruzsa has putenzie...how do zyou say...bomb in zis boy. It reqvires zat he loose a great deal of veight in order for zeh bomb to explode unt blow zis little, piss ant, vhite bread, mountain town shtraight to Hell.
[Dramatic chord.]
KYLE: A bomb? Why the Hell would he do that?
WILHELM WOLFEN: Because he iss der evil, genius. Vhy else vould he do it?
KENNY: Mmm mm?
WILHELM WOLFEN: Ya ya, OK. For fun, sure, but vhy else?
STAN: For sex?
KYLE: No, Dude. How do you think Cartman's mom paid to have his mouth wired shut?
STAN: Oh, yeah. Sorry your mom's a slut that screwed the dentist after he put a bomb in you, Cartman.
CARTMAN: : (As if through clenched teeth and screaming.) Goddammit! Stop talkin' that way 'bout mah mom, you f*ckin' walrus rapist!
WILHELM WOLFEN: I do not haff zeh proper tools wiss me to remove zeh bomb. Ve haff to get zis boy to mein bruzsa's office before he explodes.
STAN: But won't your brother be there?
WILHELM WOLFEN: Zat iss a chance ve vill just haff to take.
[Dramatic chord.]
CARTMAN: (As if through clenched teeth.) That is really starting to piss me off!
[Cut to commercial.]
[Ext. view, South Park Dentistry, night. Wilhelm is trying to open the door.]
WILHELM WOLFEN: Ve must gittenzie inside! Do any of zyou children know how to pickenzie locks?
KENNY: Mmmm!
WILHELM WOLFEN: Ya, gudt! Go to it, shtrange little boy!
[Kenny picks the lock and the door opens.]
WILHELM WOLFEN: Wunderbar! Now, let's gittenzie inside zo zat ve might remove zeh bomb from Herr Cartman.
[They go inside. All is dark except for one office. The German techno is still playing.]
CARTMAN: (As if through clenched teeth.) Goddamn, man! Doesn't that lame-ass brother of yours listen to anything else!
KYLE: Like what?
CARTMAN: (As if through clenched teeth.) Oh, Ah don't know...maybe Styxx?
STAN: Hey, Cartman?
CARTMAN: (As if through clenched teeth.) What?
STAN: (Singing.) I'm...sailing away...Set a course for the...
[Cartman is trying to fight off his need to finish the song.]
CARTMAN: (As if through clenched teeth.) Must...hold on...EeeEEEEEE!
[Cartman breaks down and finishes the entire song in quadruple time.]
WILHELM WOLFEN: (Whispering.) Zyou must be qviet! Ve vouldn't vant mein bruzsa to hear us unt drill tiny holes in us viss hiss drill thingy, vould zyou?
STAN, KYLE, KENNY, AND CARTMAN: (Whispering.) No.
WILHELM WOLFEN: (Whispering.) Zen ve must be very, very qviet. Followenzie me!
[They all sneak into one of the examining rooms. Stan closes the door behind them and turns on the light.]
WILHELM WOLFEN: (Whispering.) Now, Herr Cartman, zyou get into zeh chair vhile I get zeh inshtruments ready.
[Cartman tries to climb into the chair but he's still too short to get into it.]
CARTMAN: (As if through clenched teeth.) Eh...hnnnggh...OK, OK, this time for sure...hnnngggh...
[Cartman continues trying to struggle to get into the chair.]
WILHELM WOLFEN: (Whispering.) Oh, Goddammitenzie.
[He shoves Cartman into the chair face first.]
WILHELM WOLFEN: (Whispering.) Now, I vill shtart to remove zeh bomb from zyour mouse, ya?
CARTMAN: (As if through clenched teeth and whispering.) Do we really hafta do this?
STAN: (Whispering.) Do you really want to not have your head blown off your body!?
WILHELM WOLFEN: (Whispering.) Kyle, vhen I ask for zeh inshtruments, zyou hand zem to me, ya?
KYLE: (Whispering.) OK.
CARTMAN: (As if through clenched teeth and whispering.) Like Hell! Ah will not have that Jewish piece of crap handle mah dentist stuff and get it all kosher!
STAN: (Whispering.) Oh, nice f*cking job, Cartman!
CARTMAN: (As if through clenched teeth and whispering.) What?
KYLE: (Whispering.) You mongoloid, Cartman! Now this German guy knows I'm Jewish! I'm as good as dead now, you f*cking donkey licker!
WILHELM WOLFEN: (Whispering) Nein, nein, Herr Kyle! I am not like zat at all! I likenzie Jewish people! Ve Germans are not trying to exshterminate zeh Jews anymore. Vell, zeh Germans living in Louisiana are, but zeh rest of us aren't!
KYLE: (Whispering.) Really?
WILHELM WOLFEN: (Whispering.) Ya. Now, Herr Cartman, are zyou ready?
CARTMAN: (As if through clenched teeth.) Just get the Goddamn bomb out already!
[Cut to a view of the hallway. A shadow starts to emerge from the office with the light on.]
DR. WOLFEN: Vhat vas zat?
[Cut back to the examining room.]
KYLE: Way to go, Cartman!
STAN: That crazy dentist guy probably knows we're here now!
KENNY: Mmmm mnmm mmm, mmm mnmmmn!
[Kenny punches Cartman in the face.]
WILHELM WOLFEN: I vill see zat he does not shtop us! Herr Kyle, you continue removing zeh bomb from Herr Cartman's mouse!
KYLE: Me? I don't know how to do any of this!
STAN: Yeah! They never show anything like this on ER!
WILHELM WOLFEN: Vell, it's a little late for zat bull crap now!
[Wilhelm exists.]
STAN: Well, I guess you should get to work, Kyle.
[Kyle gets picks up some dental tools, mostly the sharp and painful looking stuff.]
KYLE: What do I do now?
KENNY: Mnnmmmm mmm mmmm nmm!
STAN: Yeah, Kyle! Just start jabbing that stuff in wherever and ask Cartman a bunch of stupid questions that he can't even answer because he's got all that stuff in his mouth!
CARTMAN: (As if through clenched teeth.) Shut the Hell up, you piece of crap!
[Cut to the hallway. Dr. Wolfen is in the hall. He and Wilhelm come face to face where they pull teeth scrapers out of their pockets.]
DR. WOLFEN: Ve meet again, O big bruzsa. Zeh circle ist now complete. Vhen I left zyou, I vas but a learner; now, I am zeh master!
WILHELM WOLFEN: Only a master uft evil, Fritz!
[Dr. Wolfen and Wilhelm start fighting with their teeth scrapers.]
DR. WOLFEN: Zyou should not haff comenzie back.
[They continue fighting.]
DR. WOLFEN: Zyour powers are veak, bruzsa.
WILHELM WOLFEN: Zyou cannot to be vinning, Fritz; if zyou shtrike me down I shall becomenzie more powerful zhan zyou can possibly imagine!
[They continue fighting.]
[Cut back to the examining room.]
KYLE: Dammit! What the Hell is all that noise!? Stan, Kenny, go check it out -- stat!
STAN: Stat? What the Hell does "stat" mean?
KYLE: I don't know. It's just something they yell on ER all the time.
STAN: Oh.
KENNY: Mmmm mnmmm mmmmnnm mmm mm Mmmm Mmmmn!
[The kids, except for Cartman, all laugh.]
STAN: Yeah! It means George Clooney needs another drink!
CARTMAN: (As if through clenched teeth.) Heh. Just like your dad, Kenny.
[Kenny grabs a drill away from Kyle and drills one of Cartman's teeth unmercifully.]
CARTMAN: Ow! Goddammit! That f*ckin' hurt, you poor son-of-a-bitch!
[Cartman tries to get out of the chair.]
KYLE: Cartman! No!
CARTMAN: (As if through clenched teeth.) But he started all this sh*t!
KYLE: Cartman, do you want me to get that bomb out of your mouth or do you want to blow all of South Park straight to Hell.
CARTMAN: (As if through clenched teeth.) Ah'd rather kick Kenny's ass!
[He tries to get out of the chair again.]
STAN: Cartman! You've got to listen to reason: if Kyle can get that bomb out of your mouth, that means all that wire holding your jaw shut will be gone too, right?
CARTMAN: (As if through clenched teeth.) Ah...Ah guess so.
STAN: And if all that wire holding your jaw shut is gone then you can eat all the Cheesy Poofs and Snacky Cakes and whatever else the Hell you want.
CARTMAN: (As if through clenched teeth.) Well, why didn't you say so before, Einstein!? OK, Kyle...do what you have to.
KYLE: Sweet!
[Kyle takes the drill from Kenny.]
KYLE: You guys stay here now. I may need your help.
STAN: Sure thing, Dude.
KENNY: Mmmm mmmn mmmmm mmm!
[The camera zooms in on Kyle. He's really working hard; there is sweat running down his face. Zoom in on Cartman. He's got sweat running down his face and he looks scared.] There is a beeping sound and a click from inside Cartman's mouth. The kids all gasp.]
KYLE: Well, I guess this is it.
CARTMAN: (As if through clenched teeth.) Ah don't want to die with you assholes!
STAN: Shut up and die like a man, Cartman.
CARTMAN: (As if through clenched teeth.) Ay! Ah'll die anyway ah want, you...you...
[Cartman starts turning blue.]
KYLE: What the Hell?
STAN: I think he's choking!
[Kenny punches Cartman in the back and Cartman coughs up the bomb and all the wiring.]
CARTMAN: You bastard! Ah'll kick your ass now!
[Stan and Kyle grab Cartman and hold him back.]
CARTMAN: Let me go, Goddammit!
STAN: Cartman! Kenny just saved your life, you can't kick his ass!
CARTMAN: Oh, well, la dee da. That f*ckin' bomb's still gonna blow us all up! Thanks for nothin', Kenny!
KYLE: No, Cartman! Don't you remember what Wilhelm said? The bomb can only go off if it burns so much fat! There's no way it can do that now!
CARTMAN: Huh!? But Ah wanna kick Kenny's ass!
[Cartman starts getting all teary-eyed and sniffling.]
CARTMAN: (Sniffling.) Thanks, Kenny...Ah...Ah love you, man.
[Kenny starts laughing at Cartman.]
CARTMAN: Fine! F*ck you then, asshole!
[There is a bang against the wall.]
STAN: What was that?
KYLE: It's Wilhelm! We've got to help him!
[The kids all run into the hallway. Wilhelm and Dr. Wolfen are still fighting. It looks like the fight could go either way.]
STAN, KYLE, AND KENNY: Go Wilhelm!
CARTMAN: Go Dr. Wolfen!
[The fight stops. Wilhelm, Stan, Kyle, and Kenny all look angrily at Cartman.]
CARTMAN: Um...Ah mean, go Wilhelm!
[The fighting begins again.]
STAN: Dude, this is pretty f*cked up right here.
KYLE: Yep.
[Dr. Wolfen knocks Wilhelm to the ground. The kids all gasp.]
DR. WOLFEN: So, Vilhelm. Vonce again, I am zeh victor. Now zyou vill gittenzie zeh vorst teess scraping uff zyour life!
[Kyle looks around nervously. Suddenly, he sees something and lightens up.]
KYLE: Hey, Stan! Give me a hand with this!
[Stan and Kyle pull the x-ray machine on screen. Kyle turns it up to "crispify".]
KYLE: Ready? Fire!
[Stan turns the x-ray machine on. The x-rays hit Dr. Wolfen directly. He falls over in a heap. The kids help Wilhelm up.]
WILHELM WOLFEN: Oh, sank zyou, children! For a moment I sought zat I vas a goner! Did zyou gittenzie bomb out of Herr Cartman's mouse, Herr Kyle?
KYLE: Yeah! I got it loose and then Kenny punched it out of Cartman when he was choking on it!
[Dr. Wolfen gets up suddenly.]
DR. WOLFEN: Zyou...little bastards vill not...defeat Dr. Volfen zo...eassily!
[Dr. Wolfen throws his teeth scraper at the kids.]
WILHELM WOLFEN: Gittenzie out uff zeh vay!
[He knocks the kids to safety as the teeth scraper hits the wall just above the x-ray machine which is behind them.]
STAN: Wow! That was close! Thanks, Wilhelm!
KYLE: Yeah! You kick ass!
KENNY: Mmmmm mmnmm mmnm mnnnm mm!
CARTMAN: Do you have any German chocolate pie?
[The kids all start laughing. The teeth scraper falls out of the wall, hits the "on" switch on the x-ray machine, ricochets off and hits the machine so that it turns and is pointing at Kenny.]
KENNY: Mm mm mmmmm mmm mmmm?
[Kenny's clothes start to melt.]
KENNY: MMMM MM MMMMM MNMMMMM!!
[Kenny melts into a puddle.]
STAN: Oh, my God! They've killed Kenny!
KYLE: You bastards!
STAN: Wow. That sucked. But you know, I think I learned something.
[The slow piano music starts.]
KYLE: Really? What?
STAN: I've learned that going to the dentist can be scary and sometimes the dentist puts a bomb in your mouth but that that dentist will always have a brother who will come to save the day.
KYLE: Dude, that doesn't make much sense.
STAN: Really? I thought it was pretty good. Hmmm. Oh, I know! There's really no reason to be scared. Jesus died for our sins and rose from the dead in three days to show us that he has conquered death for all time.
KYLE: No, Dude, that's Easter.
STAN: Goddammit! OK, OK. How about you shouldn't judge others?
KYLE: Nope.
STAN: Well, f*ck this then.
WILHELM WOLFEN: Vell, I vill dispose of zeh bomb unt gittenzie zyou kids backs homen.
[They all start to exit.]
CARTMAN: Can we get some pie on the way home?
[The rats rush in and start drinking Kenny.]
[Cut to commercial.]
[Ext. view, the bus stop. Stan and Kyle are there.]
STAN: Where's Cartman?
KYLE: Yeah, the bus'll be here any minute and he hasn't shown up yet.
[Cartman enters he has ballooned back up to normal size. He is also still wearing Pip's clothes, which have been completely shredded by Cartman's mass.]
CARTMAN: Hey, guys!
[Stan and Kyle stare at Cartman for a while with their mouths hanging open.]
CARTMAN: Ah said, Hey, guys!
[They're still staring with mouths still open.]
CARTMAN: AH SAID, HEY, GUYS! GODDAMMIT!!
STAN: Oh, hey, Cartman.
KYLE: What the Hell is the matter with you, Cartman!?
CARTMAN: Huh? What?
KYLE: Cartman, why are you still wearing Pip's clothes!?
CARTMAN: Well, maybe Ah feel pretty wearin' these, Tommy Assfiger!
[Kyle and Stan laugh at Cartman.]
CARTMAN: Goddammit! Stop laughin' at me!
[Kyle and Stan stop laughing.]
CARTMAN: That's better. Do it again and Ah'll kick ya both squa' in the nuts so hard that your nutsacks explode and there'll be piece of your balls all over South Park.
STAN: Jesus, Cartman!
[Pip walks up to the bus stop.]
PIP: Cheerio, gents!
[The kids just stare at Pip.]
PIP: Top of the morning to ye?
[They continue staring.]
PIP: Um...good morning?
KYLE: F*ck off, Pip.
PIP: But I just came to see if I could get my clothes back from Eric and I...
CARTMAN: Goddammit, Pip! Get the Hell out of hya!
PIP: But...but...
STAN: Do it, Cartman.
CARTMAN: Sweet.
PIP: Do what? Gents, do wha...
[Pip doesn't get to finish his question as Cartman roshamboes him. There is a clanging sound and Cartman falls over screaming.]
CARTMAN: Ah think ah broke mah f*ckin' foot, you French motherf*cker!
STAN: Jesus Christ, Pip!
KYLE: What do you have in there!?
PIP: I suspected that Eric might try this so I took the liberty of wearing my steel cup.
STAN: That kicks ass!
KYLE: Yeah! Hey, Pip?
PIP: Yes, Kyle?
KYLE: Do you want to hang out with us?
CARTMAN: Hey, you guys, Ah need some help hya, seriously!
PIP: (To Kyle.) Do you mean it?
STAN: Totally, Dude!
PIP: O, Happy Day! I knew that if I just waited long enough you gents would someday accept me!
STAN: Come on! It's Salisbury steak day!
[Stan, Kyle, and Pip walk away, leaving Cartman in the snow.]
CARTMAN: Hey! You all get your bitch asses back hya right now so Ah can kick you in the nuts, Goddammit!
[Roll credits.]
A Curse of Honor By Mr. Dead
[Warnings, song, and titles. Sunburst pattern reads "Special Guest Voice: Pat Morita as Mr. Viagi!"]
[Ext. view, South Park Elementary.]
MR. GARRISON: All right, class, settle down.
[Int. view, MR. Garrison's classroom.]
MR. GARRISON: Today we're going to learn all about the beauty of nature.
KYLE: Mr. Garrison?
MR. GARRISON: Yes, Kyle, what is it?
KYLE: Is this just another excuse to send us out to recess and not teach class?
[There is an awkward silence for a few seconds.]
MR. GARRISON: Um...yes.
STAN: Sweet!
[Ext. view, the playground.]
STAN: Did you guys see Terrance and Phillip last night?
KYLE: Yeah! That kicked ass!
CARTMAN: Ah liked the part where that guy asked that other guy if he was the new milkman and then that disco music started playing and they both started to take off their clothes.
STAN: Cartman! What the Hell were you watching!?
KYLE: Yeah! That wasn't Terrance and Phillip!
CARTMAN: Mah mom said they were!
KENNY: Mmm mmmm mmmmmm mm mmmm mmmmmm!
CARTMAN: You shut the f*ck up, you poor piece of dog f*cking sh*t!
[Kenny punches Cartman in the face.]
CARTMAN: Ay!
[A school bell rings.]
STAN: Hey, it's not time to go in yet!
KYLE: Kenny, what time is it?
KENNY: Mmmm mmm mmmmm.
KYLE: Oh, sh*t! It's time for the fifth graders' recess!
CARTMAN: Uh, you guys? Ah don' wanna get killed, seriously!
STAN: Cartman, shut up and stay cool. They'll leave us alone if we don't attract their attention.
[Cartman is straining against something. There's sweating starting to run down his face.]
CARTMAN: (Whispering.) You...guys? Ah...can't hold this...much longer!
KYLE: (Whispering.) Shut up, Cartman! Or do you want to die!?
[Cartman is groaning and making unintelligible sounds.]
STAN: (Whispering.) Dammit, Cartman! Shut the Hell up!
CARTMAN: (Whispering.) Must...set it...free!
[Cartman lets out an extremely loud fart.]
KYLE: (Screaming.) Goddammit, Cartman!
STAN: Jesus, Cartman, what do you eat!? Eggs for every meal!?
[Kenny is trying to get Stan and Kyle's attention.]
KYLE: What is it, Kenny?
[Kenny points at three fifth graders standing behind them and pulls his hood shut.]
STAN: Oh, f*ck!
BULLY #1: Hey, you!
KYLE: M-me?
BULLY #2: Not you, queer bag! Your cute little friend there!
STAN: Who? Me?
BULLY #1: Yeah, you! Our associate here says he don't like your pretty little face! Ain't that right, Nail?
[Bully #3 (Nail) grunts.]
KYLE: What's that all over his face?
BULLY #2: That the last kid's face that Nail didn't like.
[Nail advances on Stan.]
STAN: Um, guys? A little help here?
[Kyle, Kenny, and Cartman all run away.]
STAN: (Yelling.) Thanks a whole f*cking lot, you f*cking cowards!
[Nail keeps coming toward Stan.]
STAN: Uh, stay back! Or else I don't know what I'll do!
[Nail picks Stan up by his head.]
BULLY #2: So, whaddya gonna do?
STAN: I'm going to do the only thing I can do in this situation -- start screaming like a girl!
[Stan starts screaming like a girl as Nail starts throwing him into assorted things. After about 30 seconds of this, Nail throws Stan to the ground.]
BULLY #1: Next time, don' have such a pretty little face!
BULLY #: Heh heh. Stupid gay third grader.
[The bullies all start laughing and walk away. Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny return to the site of Stan's brutal pounding.]
KYLE: Stan, are you all right?
[Cut to commercial.]
[Stan groans.]
KYLE: Well, at least he's not dead.
KENNY: Mmmm mmn mmmmm mmnm mmm!
KYLE: Now how the Hell could he die every week!?
CARTMAN: Heh heh. Stan, they beat on you like a redheaded gay homosexual stepchild!
STAN: (Weakly.) Cartman...come here.
[Cartman comes closer to Stan.]
STAN: (Weakly.) Closer.
[Cartman comes closer still.]
CARTMAN: What is it, Stan?
KYLE: Maybe he's dying!
CARTMAN: Really? Sweet! Hey, Stan, can Ah have your Cure CD's?
KYLE: Goddammit, Cartman! He's really hurt and all you can think about is if he's gonna give you those f*cking CD's!?
CARTMAN: Ay! You're just pissed off 'cause Ah beat you to it! Stan, can Ah have your Cure CD's?
STAN: (Weakly.) Cartman?
CARTMAN: Ah'm hya, Stan.
[Stan's eyes open up wide and he starts strangling Cartman. Kyle and Kenny pulls Stan off of Cartman.]
KYLE: Calm down, Dude!
STAN: I will not calm down! This is bullsh*t! Why the f*ck should we let those fifth graders push us around all the time!?
CARTMAN: Because they're bigger than we are?
KYLE: Because they're stronger than we are?
KENNY: Mmmm mm mmmmnm mmmmn?
STAN: No, dammit! I'm sick of this!
KYLE: Well, what can you do, Stan?
STAN: I'll ask Chef; he'll know what to do!
KYLE: Dude, Chef's on vacation this week. You can't ask him!
STAN: Oh, yeah.
CARTMAN: Heh heh. Why don't you ask your big, gay friend for help, Stan? Maybe he'll pound ass on those guys so they'll leave you alone!
KENNY: Mmmmn mmn mmmmmm!
STAN: Sick, Dude!
KYLE: Why don't you ask your grampa? I'll bet he's run into this stuff about a million times!
STAN: No, he'd just want me to see if I could get the fifth graders to kill him.
KYLE: Well, I guess there's just on option left, then...
[Cut to a shot of a TV screen.]
TV ANNOUNCER: And now back to Jesus and Pals on South Park public access.
JESUS: Yea, know that I am the Truth and Path to eternal happiness. Let's take some callers! Hello, caller, you're on the air.
CALLER: Yeah...is this Jesus?
JESUS: Yes, it is, caller.
CALLER: Well, Jesus, this is Robert from Torry Pines. I was just calling to tell you that I tried that bit about goin' and kickin' all the bankers' asses and now I'm in jail.
JESUS: Were they actually in a bank and not a place of worship?
[There is a silence.]
JESUS: Robert?
CALLER: Um...yeah...they were in the bank at the time.
JESUS: I hope you have learned not to try and interpret anything I say.
CALLER: I...I have, Jesus. I have to go now. There's some men waiting to rape me.
JESUS: Blessed art thou, Robert. Next caller?
[Cut to a shot of the kids in Stan's living room. Stan is standing on the couch and is on the phone.]
[Cut back to Jesus and Pals.]
STAN: Jesus?
JESUS: Yes, my son?
STAN: I have a problem at school with some guys that are bigger than me and I can't fight back. What should I do?
JESUS: My son, do what I would do.
STAN: Would you kick their asses?
JESUS: No.
STAN: Kill their pets?
[Jesus is getting noticeably angry and frustrated.]
JESUS: No.
STAN: Oh! I know! Burn down their houses!
JESUS: No, Goddammit! Turn the other cheek, you retard! Next caller?
STAN: But I'm not finished ye...
JESUS: Next caller!
[Stan slams the phone down.]
STAN: That low-down son-of-a-bitch!
[Ext. view, Stan's house.]
[Int. view, Stan's living room. The kids are all sitting on the couch with Cartman in the middle of the couch, which is noticeably sagging in the middle. Cartman also has a bag of Cheesy Poofs in his lap.]
STAN: I can't believe that Jesus told me to get my ass kicked!
KYLE: Yeah, Dude! Your God is crazy!
CARTMAN: Well, at least our God doesn't tell people to go around and get their firemen chopped, ya friggin' hippie Jew!
KYLE: Don't you oppress me, asshole!
CARTMAN: F*ck you!
[Kyle karate chops Cartman in the wrist and makes him drop his Cheesy Poofs.]
CARTMAN: Goddammit! What the Hell did you hafta do that for, ya dick!
[Cartman jumps off the couch, which returns to its normal, unsagging state, and gets down on the floor with the Cheesy Poofs.]
CARTMAN: (To the Cheesy Poofs.) It's all right. Ah won't let him hurt you anymore.
STAN: Jesus, Cartman! Have some f*cking dignity!
KYLE: That's it, Stan!
STAN: What!? You want me to start talking to Cheesy Poofs!?
KYLE: No, Dude! You can learn the art of self-defense!
STAN: No way, Dude! I hate art!
KYLE: The art of self-defense is where you learn to make your body into a living weapon!
CARTMAN: You mean like that guy in Terminator 2 who was, like, wussy lookin' and then he'd, like, turn his hand into a knife and stab someone in the ah?
KENNY: Mmmmmmn mmmmnm nmmm!
STAN: I don't think he'd get too many chicks if he turned that into a knife.
KYLE: Stan, the art of self-defense would make you like Jean Claude Van Damme or Steven Segal!
CARTMAN: Dude! Those guys suck ass! Did you see "On Deadly Ground" or "Double Team"? They must breathe through their asses they suck so bad!
STAN: I think Cartman's right, Kyle. I don't want to be like those pieces of sh*t!
KYLE: No, Dude! You have something that neither one of the has!
STAN: What's that?
KYLE: You have an IQ higher than Cartman's waste size!
STAN: Hey, yeah!
CARTMAN: Kyle, are you implying that Ah am fat?
KYLE: I'm not implying anything, fat-ass! You are a f*cking elephant!
CARTMAN: Ay!
[Ext. view, the bus stop. Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny are there.]
KYLE: Hey! Have either of you guys seen Stan yet?
CARTMAN: Why? Is he bringin' pie?
[Stan walks up to the bus stop. He has dark circles under his eyes.]
STAN: (Yawning.) Hey, guys.
KYLE: Damn, Stan! You look tired! What were you doing last night?
STAN: I was trying to learn karate by watching "Walker, Texas Ranger" and I kept falling asleep. Man, that show sucks!
KYLE: Dude! You actually watched that sh*t on purpose!?
STAN: Yeah. (Yawns.) It's even worse than that Bob Saget show my grampa likes.
CARTMAN: Balls of steel, Stan. Balls of steel.
KYLE: Have you thought about having someone train you?
STAN: Dude! I don't have that kind of money!
KYLE: Don't worry about that! My dad's dry cleaner will teach you and all you have to do for him is paint his fence, build him a deck and sand it, wax his cars, build a whole new wing to his house, and be there every day after school!
STAN: Really? Sweet!
[Cut to commercial.]
[Ext. view, Mr. Viagi's house. The kids are walking up to the front door.]
STAN: Do you really think this guy'll train me, Kyle?
KYLE: Yeah, Dude! He owes my family a favor.
STAN: What for?
CARTMAN: Did your dad pull him out of a burning house?
KYLE: No.
STAN: Did he rescue him from drowning?
KYLE: Um...no.
KENNY: Mmmm mmn mmmmm nmm?
KYLE: Sick, Dude!
STAN: Well, why the Hell does he owe your family a favor?
KYLE: He lost a button on one of my dad's jackets.
[The kids stop walking. There is silence for a while.]
STAN: Dude, that is the f*ckin' weakest reason to owe anybody a favor I've ever heard.
CARTMAN: Yeah! If Ah was this guy Ah'd be all like "Ay! Why don't you just go back to Transylvania and live with your hippie Amish friends, then, ya buttonless butt-licker!"
[The kids continue up the walk to the front door. When they arrive, Kyle rings the doorbell. Mr. Viagi answers it.]
MR. VIAGI: Herro? Ah, Kyrle-san! Come in, come in! Would you and yauwa fliends rike some tea?
KYLE: Mr. Viagi, I need to call in that favor you owe my family.
MR. VIAGI: Oh! Um...just one minute.
[Mr. Viagi closes the door. The kids wait on the front step. After a little while the door opens back up to reveal Mr. Viagi wearing a pair Groucho glasses and a moustache. It's a really horrible disguise.]
CARTMAN: (Whispering to Kenny.) Goddamn, this is so lame.
MR. VIAGI: (Speaking with Texan accent.) Well, my little buckaroos, there ain't no Mr. Viagi livin' here no more. Why don't y'all try Chinatown?
STAN: Dude! There's no Chinatown in South Park!
KYLE: Mr. Viagi, seriously, I need that favor.
[Mr. Viagi removes his "disguise".]
MR. VIAGI: Arlight, Kyrle-san. What can Viagi-san to forl you?
KYLE: I need you to train my friend Stan in the martial arts.
MR. VIAGI: How does Viagi-san know he is worlthy to be tlained?
STAN: Well, I tried to watch "Walker, Texas Ranger" to learn karate.
MR. VIAGI: Indeed you do possess courlage. Resser men have eaten theirl own heads lather than watch that show. Hai! I wirll tlain you.
STAN: Sweet!
MR. VIAGI: We wirll begin yauwa tlaining tomollow. And bling yauwa own sandpaperl! I not made of money!
[Cut to commercial.]
[Ext. view, the bus stop. Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny are there.
KYLE: Hey, Cartman, have you seen Stan this morning?
CARTMAN: (Sarcastically.)Hmm, well, let me see hya...he wasn't at mah house for breakfast and he wasn't at mah house last night for dinner and he wasn't at mah house for cartoons this morning either. So, hmmm, Ah guess Ah haven't seen him this morning, Mr. Wizard!
KYLE: Cartman?
CARTMAN: What?
KYLE: Go f*ck yourself.
KENNY: Mmmm mmn mmmnmm mm!
CARTMAN: You just shut the Hell up, bitch!
[Stan walks up. He looks really tired.]
STAN: (Yawning.) Hey, guys.
KYLE, CARTMAN, AND KENNY: Hey, Stan.
KYLE: Damn, Stan! It looks like you didn't get much sleep last night!
STAN: I didn't. (Yawns.) I was at that bastard's house until like midnight building him a f*cking deck for his house.
KYLE: I told you he'd have you do that, Dude.
STAN: I know but (Yawns.) I didn't think he'd want to cover his whole yard with a deck!
KYLE: Has he had you do anything else?
STAN: Yeah. I've had to wax all 37 of his cars, reorganize his collection of porno mags with Cartman's mom in them...
CARTMAN: What!?
STAN: ...Paint his house, reupholster his couch, retile his bathroom, and tonight he wants me to sand that f*cking deck until it shines!
KYLE: Dude, that's weak.
[Ext. view, Mr. Viagi's house. There is now a deck covering the entire front lawn with a path for the sidewalk right down the middle. Stan is sanding the deck. Mr. Viagi walks up.]
MR. VIAGI: Ah, Stanierl-san, arle you leady to worlk on west wing?
[Stan stands up.]
STAN: Listen to me: When are you going to start training me!? I've been over here every day after school for two f*cking weeks building all of this sh*t for you and you haven't done a Goddamn thing to help me yet! Now, you either start training me or I'll stick this sandpaper so far up your ass you'll scrape your tonsils when you cough!!
[Mr. Viagi starts clapping.]
MR. VIAGI: Velly good, velly good, Stanierl-san. Now you have firle in bery. Now I tlain you in the seclet arlts. Come.
[Stan and Mr. Viagi go inside Mr. Viagi's house. It looks something like an extremely ornate Oriental palace inside. Mr. Viagi takes Stan to a small table in the middle of one of the rooms. On the table, there are two sets of chop sticks and a jar.]
MR. VIAGI: Sit down, Stanierl-san.
[Stan sits at one end of the table and Mr. Viagi sits at the other.]
STAN: What the Hell are we doing here? Should I be breaking boards and stuff?
MR. VIAGI: Firlst, must tlain the mind. I wirll open jar of fries and you tly catch with chopsticks.
STAN: 'Kay.
[Mr. Viagi opens the jar. About six flies fly out. Stan picks up a pair of chopsticks and tries to catch a few of them, unsuccessfully. He tries to stab them in the air, unsuccessfully. Finally, he sees a flyswatter underneath the table. He drops his chopsticks, picks up the flyswatter and starts whacking away at the flies, killing all of them.]
STAN: How was that?
MR. VIAGI: Congladurations, Stanierl-san.
STAN: Huh? I though I was supposed to catch the flies, not kill them.
MR. VIAGI: Of arr students, none have everl used the fryswatterl.
STAN: Yeah, but, wasn't I supposed to just catch them and let them go or something?
MR. VIAGI: Sometimes, one must kirll the tigel.
STAN: What the Hell is that supposed to mean?
MR. VIAGI: Do you think Viagi-san want fries in house?
STAN: No.
MR. VIAGI: Werll, then, therle you go. Come now. Second palt of tlaining.
[Stan and Mr. Viagi go to the living room.]
MR. VIAGI: Stanierl-san, sit couch.
[Stan sits down. Mr. Viagi begins fiddling with the TV and VCR.]
STAN: Oh, Man! You're not gonna make me watch "Walker, Texas Ranger", are you?
MR. VIAGI: No, Stanierl-san. Have arready plooved yauwa coulage. This rearl resson frlom the tlue master.
STAN: It's not Jean Claude Van Damme, is it?
MR. VIAGI: No.
STAN: Steven Segal?
MR. VIAGI: No. How you kids watch that sh*t anyway? This the Master...Bluce Ree!
[Mr. Viagi puts a tape in the VCR.]
[Cut to shot of the TV screen. The title of the movie comes on screen and reads: "Bruce Lee" then, that fades away and "in" comes on and fades away, followed by "Enter the Dragon Slayer."]
[Cut to Stan on the couch.]
STAN: Dude! This isn't a Bruce Lee movie!
MR. VIAGI: And how do you know that, Stanierl-san?
STAN: Because, Dude, Bruce Lee never did a movie called "Enter the Dragon Slayer!" He did "Enter the Dragon!"
MR. VIAGI: This velly urry movie.
[Cut back to TV screen. Bruce Lee is killing all sorts of people.]
[Cut back to Stan. His eyes have gone wide and his mouth is hanging open.]
MR. VIAGI: Stanierl-san? What wlong?
STAN: Bruce Lee is killing everyone in sight! Is this a real movie?
MR. VIAGI: Morle rike instluctionar video.
[Int. view, Mr. Viagi's dojo. Mr. Viagi is showing Stan his various artifacts of the ancient art of killing people.]
MR. VIAGI: And these arle the sai.
STAN: What are those for?
MR. VIAGI: You jab in eye then, twist.
STAN: Ugh.
[Mr. Viagi gets couple of huge swords off the wall.]
MR VIAGI: These katana, the weapon of the ninja!
STAN: Oh, yeah! Those things can, like, cut through anything, right?
MR. VIAGI: Armost. Not wolrk on fluitcake.
[Stan goes over to a small disc set up on a small pedestal in the center of the room.]
STAN: Sensei, what is this?
MR. VIAGI: That is weapon most deadry.
STAN: What's it called?
MR. VIAGI: Spice Gilrs CD. Stanierl-san, come heel. Viagi-san leed this to you.
[Stan walks over to Mr. Viagi in front of a scroll that has been unrolled and hanging on the wall.]
MR. VIAGI: Leed this, Stanierl-san.
STAN: Dude! I can't read that! It's all in Japanese!
MR. VIAGI: Then, Viagi-san leed. Sclorll say: "Even smarrest glasshopperl can defeat tigerl."
STAN: Well, what the Hell does that mean?
MR. VIAGI: Viagi-san not know when fatherl leed when Viagi-san boy and Viagi-san not know now. Was hoping Stanierl-san could figurle out. Come. Viagi-san leed morle sclorll.
[Stan and Mr. Viagi go to another scroll on the wall.]
MR. VIAGI: This sclorll say: "If things get iffy, kick opponent in heiny."
STAN: (Pointing to another scroll on the wall.) What's this one say, Sensei?
MR. VIAGI: Oh, Stanierl-san! You make Viagi-san velly ploud, velly ploud, indeed! You firlst student everl find this sclorll without Viagi-san showing!
STAN: So, what's it say?
MR. VIAGI: This most imporltant of all lules of karlete: "Arlways fight with honorl."
STAN: What does that mean?
MR. VIAGI: It mean karlete onrly for serlf-defense not forl being asshorle.
STAN: Oh, Goddammit.
[Int. view, Mr. Garrison's classroom.]
MR. GARRISON: Now, class, our friend, Mr. Twigg, is going to tell us all about man's first voyage to the moon.
MR. TWIGG: That's right, Mr. Garrison. Man first went to the moon in 1492 when Ferdinand Magellan drove his stock car racer to the moon on an ancient bridge built by Charlton Heston during the Civil War and...
STAN: Mr. Garrison?
MR. GARRISON: What is it, Stanley? Mr. Twigg was right in the middle of an important lesson!
STAN: I should apologize for this right now, I suppose, so, I'm sorry.
MR. GARRISON: Sorry for what?
[Stan gets out of his seat, goes to the front of the classroom, and karate chops Mr. Twigg, breaking him into a thousand pieces.]
KENNY: Mmmm mmnm mm mmmnmm!
[Nobody says anything.]
CARTMAN: Kyle, aren't you gonna say "you bastards?"
KYLE: Hell, no, fat-boy! I hated Mr. Twigg, I'm glad that f*cker is dead.
[The whole class cheers as Mr. Garrison falls to his knees, crying.]
MR.GARRISON: Noooo! Why God!? Why!?
[Mr. Garrison starts picking up pieces of Mr. Twigg in a futile attempt to fix him. He only succeeds in breaking Mr. Twigg worse.]
MR. GARRISON: Well, I guess it's time for a new friend.
[Cut to commercial.]
[Int. view, the cafeteria. The kids are all in line for lunch.]
KYLE: Dude! I can't believe you killed Mr. Twigg! That kicked ass!
CARTMAN: Yeah, Stan, when Ah grow up Ah want to be as badass as you are.
STAN: I...I don't know. Something just doesn't feel right.
KYLE: What do you mean?
STAN: It's just that Mr. Viagi told me that karate is only supposed to be for self-defense and that I should always fight with honor.
CARTMAN: What the Hell kind of crap is that!? If Ah was a karate ninja master, Ah'd be all like "Ay! You git your bitch ass outta mah way before Ah kick you a new asshole right in your Goddamn forehead, you f*ckin' slut!"
KYLE: Well, I think that by choosing to fight with honor, you're choosing the right thing to do.
STAN: Really?
KYLE: Yeah. Don't listen to Cartman. He's so stupid he thinks a karate chop comes from a different part of the pig.
[Stan, Kyle, and Kenny laugh.]
CARTMAN: Ay! You just shut your f*ckin' hole, you son-of-a-bitch, or Ah will kick you in the nuts!
[The kids move up in line to where Chef is.]
CHEF: Hello, children!
STAN, KYLE, CARTMAN, AND KENNY: Hey, Chef!
KYLE: What are you doing back from vacation so early, Chef?
CHEF: Oh, those bastards banned me from Club Med for the year, children.
CARTMAN: Yeah, Ah get tired of Whitey holdin' me down, too, brother.
CHEF: Say what?
CARTMAN: Nothin'.
CHEF: So how are my little crackers today?
STAN: Bad.
CHEF: Why bad?
STAN: Chef, have you ever done something that someone told you not to do and then you feel really bad about it later?
CHEF: Oh, children, everybody feels that way at some point in their lives. What did you do?
STAN: I used my martial arts training to kill Mr. Twigg.
CHEF: Mr. who?
KYLE: Mr. Twigg. You know, that stick with a shirt that Mr. Garrison was always carrying around.
CHEF: I thought he carried around Mr. Hat all the time?
KYLE: Yeah, he used to, but now whenever we even mention Mr. Hat's name, he yells at us and tells us never to say Mr. Hat's name again.
CHEF: So, what's the problem, children? It sounds like you did everyone a favor.
STAN: It's just that I disobeyed my Sensei and now I feel really bad about it.
CARTMAN: He's says that his Essay told him to always fight with honor. Heh heh, what a bunch of crap.
STAN: That's "Sensei," you dog sucking piece of sh*t!
[Cartman puts up his fists.}
CARTMAN: Come on, Ralph Macchio!
STAN: (Trying to hold himself back.) No. I must fight with honor. There is no honor in kicking Cartman's ass.
KYLE: Dude, what would your Sensei say about fighting someone bigger than you?
STAN: I dunno, probably something like: "Stanierl-san, when biggel pulson want fight, lememberl one thing: Loshambo."
KYLE: Well, there you go! He would tell you to fight dirty.
STAN: But that's not fighting with honor!
CARTMAN: You guys, are we gonna fight or what? Mah arms are gettin' pretty tired right hya, seriously.
[Ext. view, Mr. Viagi's house. The kids are all going up the sidewalk.]
STAN: Thanks for coming with me, you guys.
KYLE: Whatever, Dude.
CARTMAN: Hey, Stan, is your Essay gonna have pie for us?
STAN: Goddammit, Cartman! I told you it's "Sensei," you f*cking mongoloid!
CARTMAN: Ay! Let's go right now!
STAN: Cartman, I'm gonna kick your ass so hard that from now on, you'll sh*t and piss out of your mouth, you fat f*cking retard!
KYLE: (To Kenny.) Ew.
KENNY: Mnmm!
[Cartman puts his fists up.]
CARTMAN: Come on, bitch! Kick mah ass!
[Stan goes into the Praying Mantis position.]
CARTMAN: What the Hell is this?
[Stan makes all sorts of Bruce Lee sounds and proceeds to kick Cartman's ass all over the yard/deck. Mr. Viagi opens the door and sees the fight.]
MR. VIAGI: Stanierl-san! What you doing!?
[Mr. Viagi breaks up the fight. Cartman is on the ground.]
CARTMAN: (Weakly.) You guys...can't feel...mah legs...seriously.
MR. VIAGI: Why you kick Hell out of fat boy?
CARTMAN: (Weakly.) Ay.
STAN: He dishonored your name, Sensei. So, I kicked his ass.
MR. VIAGI: How many time did he dishonol Viagi-san name?
STAN: I don't know.
KYLE: He called you "Essay" twice.
MR. VIAGI: Two time!? Stanierl-san, imporltant resson: firlst time, forlgive; second time, kick ass. You do light thing.
STAN: Really? Well, I also killed a puppet-thing today, does that count?
MR. VIAGI: Puppet-thing? Hmm...scrlolls of honorl no say anything about puppet-thing. So, Viagi-san not carle.
STAN: Sweet! Did you guys hear that? I can kick any puppet's ass I want!
CARTMAN: (Weakly.) You guys...can't feel...mah tummy...need Cheesy Poofs...
MR. VIAGI: You boys come inside. Viagi-san make chocorate cheese beefy loast forl dinnerl.
[Cartman leaps to his feet.]
CARTMAN: Chocolate cheese beefy roast! Kick ass!
[Int. view, Mr. Viagi's dojo. Mr. Viagi is training Stan while the rest of the kids watch on.]
MR. VIAGI: Stanierl-san, now Viagi-san teach rlat method.
STAN: Rat method? What's that?
MR. VIAGI: Rlat method wherle you lun alound and do this...
[Mr. Viagi gets on all fours and starts scampering around and making rat sounds.]
STAN. Oooookay.
CARTMAN: What the Hell is this bunch of sh*t?
[Mr. Viagi gets back up.]
MR. VIAGI: When do rlat method, idea is to confuse opponent.
KYLE: What do you do then?
MR. VIAGI: Usuarry kick them in nuts, Kyrle-san.
CARTMAN: Aren't you gonna teach Stan the crane technique?
KYLE: Yeah! Or that rattle thing?
MR. VIAGI: What boys talking about?
CARTMAN: You know, that thing where you start standin' on one leg and you put your arms in the air and whenever some dumb-ass comes close enough to you, you kick in the nose and get all that nose blood and snot on your foot.
MR. VIAGI: Viagi-san not forrow, Lardass-san.
CARTMAN: Ay! Did you just say Ah was fat!? Ah'll kick your ass!
[Cartman goes into the crane position, like in the Karate Kid, and falls over. Everyone laughs at Cartman.]
CARTMAN: Goddammit! This isn't funny, you assholes!!
MR. VIAGI: Now, Kyrle-san, what mean this lattrle thingy?
KYLE: It's that thing where when some retard gets close enough to you, you start beating the Hell out of him with both your hands like this.
[Kyle demonstrates the rattle thingy.]
CARTMAN: And then, when the other guy is down, you go up to him and grab him by the back of his head and go "Live or die, man" and he's says "Die" so you kill him right there.
STAN: That's not how it works, you f*cking fat-ass!
CARTMAN: Don't you oppress me, butt-f*cker!
KYLE: Goddammit, Cartman! Nobody is oppressing you!
CARTMAN: Ah happen to know that Ah am in the most oppressed minority in the world.
KYLE: Cartman, you retard! Fat-asses are not oppressed anywhere in the world!
STAN: Yeah! Sometimes people even honor fat-asses.
KYLE: Really?
STAN: Yeah! Remember those National Geographic things we had to watch about cannibals?
KYLE: Oh, yeah!
STAN: You see, Cartman, if you lived with cannibals, you'd be a god to them.
KENNY: Mnmmm nmm mmmnnmm!
CARTMAN: They'd what!?
KYLE: So, anyway, Mr. Viagi, are you going to teach Stan any of that stuff?
MR. VIAGI: Viagi-san want know something firlst.
KYLE: What?
MR. VIAGI: Where boys see such stupid sh*t?
CARTMAN: Well, you know, we were watchin' HBO one day and the announcer guy came on and said something like "The next sh*tty movie on HBO" and then they had a Karate Kid marathon!
KYLE: Yeah! They showed all four movies!
MR. VIAGI: Why they make clap rike that, Viagi-san neverl underlstand.
STAN: What's next, Sensei?
[Slow, sad music starts.]
MR VIAGI: Oh, Stanierl-san, Viagi-san velly sad now. Stanierl-san best student Viagi-san everl teach and, now, tlaining is overl.
STAN: What!?
MR. VIAGI: Stanierl-san, you know everlything Viagi-san know. You leady to fight for yourlserf now.
STAN: So, I guess this is good-bye, then?
MR. VIAGI: Viagi-san wish it werle not, but is.
KYLE: (To Cartman.) Dude, this is so touching.
[Cartman lets out a big, fat, fart. The slow, sad music turns into the sound of a record scratching.]
KYLE: Goddammit, Cartman!
CARTMAN: What?
KYLE: They were having an important good-bye talk and you went and f*cking ruined it with your big, smelly ass!
MR. VIAGI: Stanierl-san. Viagi-san not know what to say. Prease take.
[Mr. Viagi hands Stan a large katana off the wall.]
STAN: Whoa! This is killer!
MR. VIAGI: Sayonara, Stanierl-san. Lemember, arlways fight with honorl.
STAN: I will, Sensai, I will. Sayonara.
[The kids start to exit but as they are doing so, Cartman bumps the pedestal with the Spice Girls CD on it. The CD falls down through Kenny, cutting him in half down the middle. It starts bouncing around the room and keeps coming back to cut Kenny even more until there is nothing but slices of Kenny in a pile.]
STAN: Oh, my God! They've killed Kenny!
KYLE: (Pointing at the CD.) You off-key bastards!
STAN: Sorry about the mess, Sensei.
MR. VIAGI: No wolly, Stanierl-san. Viagi-san know restaurant that take.
KYLE: That's sick, Dude!
STAN: What restaurant is that?
MR. VIAGI: Happy Burlgerl.
[Cartman's eye go wide and his mouth drops open.]
CARTMAN: What!?
KYLE: Dude! You eat there all the time, Cartman!
[Ext. view, South Park Elementary.]
MR. GARRISON: (Voice over.) Now today, class, our new friend, Mr. Flash, is going to teach us all about cell division.
[Int. view, Mr. Garrison's classroom. Mr. Garrison is standing at the front of the room with Mr. Flash in his hand. Mr. Flash is obviously a dildo with a purple shirt on it.]
MR. FLASH: That's right, Mr. Garrison! Cell division is a wonder process of nature. When one cell decides that it's going to be a bastard and leave all its friends, it divides into more bastards and more bastards. Eventually, all these bastard cells divide until they form Casey Kasem.
MR. GARRISON: Are there any questions for Mr. Flash?
[Kyle raises his hand.]
MR. GARRISON: Yes, Kyle, what is now?
KYLE: Um...Mr. Garrison, just what is Mr. Flash again?
MR. GARRISON: Well, he's my best friend, Kyle.
STAN: Uh...yeeeah. Mr. Garrison, I think what Kyle means is what is Mr. Flash supposed to be?
MR. GARRISON: What do you mean?
KYLE: You know, Mr. Hat...
MR. GARRISON: I told you never say that name in my presence!!
KYLE: ...Was a puppet and Mr. Twigg was a...twig. What is Mr. Flash?
MR. GARRISON: Oh, I see. Well, Kyle, Mr. Flash is a flashlight, see?
[Mr. Garrison turns Mr. Flash on and Mr. Flash starts vibrating.]
KYLE: Mr. Garrison?
MR. GARRISON: What, Kyle?
KYLE: If Mr. Flash is a flashlight why isn't there any light coming of out him?
STAN: Yeah! And why is he shaking like that?
MR. GARRISON: I, uh...you see, children...um...It's time for recess!
[The kids all cheer and start to go outside.]
KYLE: Hey, Cartman, Mr. Flash looks like that dildo we found in your mom's room!
CARTMAN: You shut up, ass-rammer!
[Ext. view, the playground. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman are talking over by the wall. The rest of the class is playing on the equipment.]
STAN: Hey, Cartman, why does your mom have a dildo?
CARTMAN: Shut up! Ah...Ah mean, what is that?
KYLE: Oh, come on, Cartman! That was weak! Seriously, though, why does your mom have a dildo when she has a penis?
CARTMAN: Awright, listen! Ah have had enough of you guys makin' fun of mah mom all the time! Ah am gonna...
[A bell rings.]
KYLE: What the Hell was that?
[Stan looks at his watch.]
STAN: Oh, weak, Dude!
KYLE: What is it?
STAN: It's time for the fifth graders' recess!
[Nail and the bullies start circling Stan, Kyle, and Cartman.]
CARTMAN: Aw, man, this is not coo.
KYLE: Shut up, Cartman! We've got Stan if anything happens. Right, Stan?
STAN: Uh...yeah, I guess.
CARTMAN: You guys, this really not coo, seriously.
BULLY #1: Hey! I thought we says to not let us see yer face here 'gain.
BULLY #2: Let's git 'im!
KYLE: Stan, don't just let them kick your ass again! Fight back this time!
CARTMAN: Heh heh, yeah, don't just scream like a girl when they beat the sh*t out of you.
STAN: (Thinking to himself.) I've got to stay focused. Now, what would Sensei say in this situation.
[Flashback effects. Everything is in black and white.]
MR. VIAGI: Lememberl to fight with honorl, Stanierl-san. Neverl use morle forlce than neceselly.
[Cut back to the play ground. Everything is back in color.]
STAN: Goddammit!
KYLE: What?
STAN: Mr. Viagi would tell me to only use as much force as necessary!
KYLE: So? These guys want to kill you, remember?
STAN: Hey, yeah!
[Stan starts using the rat method. He runs around on all fours for a while and tries to confuse the two bullies. Nail is standing a ways back, looking confused. Finally, Stan rushes the bullies and takes out their knees from behind.]
KYLE: (To Cartman.) Dude, this is pretty f*cked up right here.
[Stan climbs to the top of a slide and jumps off to deliver a flying elbow drop onto one the bullies.]
KYLE AND CARTMAN: Go Stan!
[The rest of the children start forming a circle around the fight. Some people run into the background and start setting up a table and a pair of microphones. They leave and two announcers sit at the table.]
ANNOUNCER #1: Hello and good morning from the South Park Elementary playground.
ANNOUNCER #2: That's right, Chet! It looks like our match today will be little Stan Marsh versus three bullies!
ANNOUNCER #1: That's nWo tactics if I've ever seen them, Frank!
[Announcer #2 covers up his microphone.]
ANNOUNCER #2: (To Announcer #1.) Chet, you're doing it again.
ANNOUNCER #1: What?
ANNOUNCER #2: That stupid wrestling thing again! Cut it out! Nobody gets it; nobody cares; nobody gives a sh*t.
ANNOUNCER #1: Right. Sorry.
[Announcer #2 uncovers his mic.]
ANNOUNCER #2: It looks like Stan has defeated two of his opponents and Nail is going to enter the fight now!
ANNOUNCER #1: That's just common nWo style, Frank. First, they wear the man down, then they send in the big guns to finish him.
[Announcer #2 lay his head down on the table. Sobbing sounds can be heard.]
ANNOUNCER #1: Frank? Frank, you OK?
KYLE: Come on, Stan! You can do it!
CARTMAN: Ah've got your back, soldier!
[Pan back to show that Cartman is sitting on top of the other two bullies. He farts on them and they both groan.]
CARTMAN: Yeah, that's right! You just stay down there.
BULLY #2: Stupid...gay third...grader.
ANNOUNCER #1: It's...it's Sting!!
[Announcer #2 clobbers Announcer #1 with his mic, resulting in that awful feedback sound.]
[Cut back to shot of Cartman. We hear Stan scream like a little girl, a horrible crunch, and silence.]
ANNOUNCER #2: That looks like the end of it! Nail has powerbombed his way to another victory!
[Cut to a shot of Stan folded in half backwards over a teeter-totter.]
CARTMAN: Man. Ah wonder if they'll have pie at his funeral?
[Cut to commercial.]
[Ext. view, the bus stop. Kyle and Cartman are there.]
KYLE: Dude, I wonder if Stan is coming to school today? He really took a beating yesterday.
CARTMAN: Yeah. He got the sh*t kicked out of him.
[Stan, with two black eyes and a bandage around his head, walks up to the bus stop.]
STAN: Hey, guys.
KYLE AND CARTMAN: Hey, Stan.
KYLE: Dude, are you OK?
STAN: Yeah. I just feel like I failed Mr. Viagi.
CARTMAN: Is it because you got your bitch ass kicked like a little girl?
[Stan kicks Cartman in the back of the head. Cartman falls face first into the snow.]
KYLE: Why?
STAN: Well, I fought those first two guys with honor like Mr. Viagi taught me, but when I fought Nail, I got my ass handed to me.
KYLE: I don't think you should feel that way, Stan.
STAN: Really?
KYLE: Yeah! You showed those assholes that you aren't going to put up with their sh*t anymore and proved that you're willing to fight if you have to.
[Cartman pulls his face out of the snow.]
CARTMAN: Yeah! And you showed them that you know how to get your ass kicked like a little girl! Bwahahahahahaha!
[Stan stomps on the back of Cartman's head and drives his face into the snow again.]
STAN: You're right, Kyle. And you know what? I think I learned something today.
[The slow piano music starts up.]
KYLE: Really? What?
STAN: I learned that no matter how hard you train, no matter how much honor you fight with, there will always be somebody who is bigger and stronger and better than you and if that person comes looking for fight, it's best to just run like Hell.
KYLE: Totally, Dude.
[Cartman gets up. A man walks up to the bus stop. He is wearing a big, black cowboy hat, boots, a bunch of stuff that says "CBS" on it, and a beard.]
MAN: Hello, boys.
STAN, KYLE, AND CARTMAN: Hi.
MAN: Is one of you Stan Marsh?
STAN: Yeah, that's me!
MAN: Nice to meet you, Stan. I'm TV's Chuck Norris. I hear you really know how to take care of yourself.
STAN, KYLE, AND CARTMAN: Chuck Norris!!
KYLE: (To Stan.) Dude, who's Chuck Norris?
[Stan shrugs.]
CHUCK NORRIS: Maybe you boys have heard of my show on CBS: "Walker, Texas Ranger."
STAN: You! You son-of-a-bitch!
CHUCK NORRIS: What?
STAN: I tried to learn karate by watching your f*cking show and I nearly died from boredom!
KYLE: Stan? Calm down, Dude.
STAN: I will not calm down! I'm going to kick your ass, Norris!
CHUCK NORRIS: You wanna piece of me!? Come on, bitch!
[Chuck Norris goes into an offensive stance. Stan just stands still.]
CHUCK NORRIS: Let's go! Right here, right now!
[Stan is just standing there.]
CHUCK NORRIS: What are you, afraid to get your ass kicked, little girl?
[Stan is still standing there.]
CHUCK NORRIS: I eat kids twice your size for breakfast, you little pansy-ass foo-foo! Come on!
[Stan is still standing there.]
KYLE: Um�Stan? I think you should do something.
CHUCK NORRIS: Ooooooh, the little bitch needs help from his friends, huh?
STAN: (Eerily peaceful.) Enough of this. Now is the time for pain to be dealt.
CHUCK NORRIS: What trickery is this!?
STAN: (Eerily peaceful.) No trickery. Just punishment.
CHUCK NORRIS: Yeah! For you!
STAN: (Eerily peaceful.) No. For you.
[Chuck Norris goes into a display in an attempt to intimidate Stan. Stan stands still for moment and finally roshamboes Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris falls into the snow, coughing up blood.]
KYLE: Dude! Where did you learn to do that!?
STAN: Mr. Viagi taught me.
KYLE: Hey, Cartman? You wanna play roshambo with Stan now?
CARTMAN: (Sarcastically.) Uh�let me see hya�gee, OK, Kyle! Let me get mah nuts splattered all over mah pants like Chunk Norris hya! Do you guys think Ah'm an idiot?
STAN AND KYLE: Yes.
[The kids start to leave.]
CARTMAN: Ay! Ah'll kick your asses for that!
CHUCK NORRIS: (Extremely weakly.) Kill�you�guys�seriously.
[Rolls credits. Instead of the normal song, there is William Shatner's version of "Tambourine Man."]
Another Lost Year of Trick-or-Treating By Mr. Dead
[Warnings, song, and titles (Halloween version).]
[Big block letters read: �October 29.�]
[Ext. view, the bus stop. The kids are all there.]
CARTMAN: Hey, you guys, this year Ah�m gonna have a kick-ass Halloween costume!
STAN: What are you going as?
KYLE: Probably a Cheesy Poof, huh?
CARTMAN: Goddammit! Why is it that every year you always guess what Ah�m gonna be!?
KYLE: (Sarcastically.) Oh, I don�t know, Cartman. Maybe because you�ve been a damn Cheesy Poof for the last three years!
KENNY: Mmmnmm nnmmm!
[Stan, Kyle, and Kenny laugh.]
STAN: Yeah!
[The bus pulls up and the door opens.]
MISS CRABTREE: Get on! We�re runnin� late!
STAN: Eh, f*ck you.
MISS CRABTREE: What did you say!?
STAN: Uh...I said Cartman wants to hug you.
MISS CRABTREE: Oh. Well, I guess that�s all right.
KYLE: Go on, Dude, hug her!
CARTMAN: You guys, this is f*ckin� weak! I don�t wanna hug her!
STAN: Goddammit, Cartman! Just hug the bitch so we can get the Hell out of here!
CARTMAN: Weak!
[Stan, Kyle, and Kenny get on board the bus. Cartman stays outside.]
KYLE: Come on, Fatty! Get your ass in here and hug her!
CARTMAN: Ah am not fat, you son-of-a-bitch!
STAN: Whatever. Just do it!
CARTMAN: You guys are a bunch of assholes, seriously.
[Cartman climbs on board the bus.]
CARTMAN: (Under his breath.) Hate you guys.
[He gives Miss Crabtree a little hug.]
MISS CRABTREE: There, now. That wasn�t so bad, was it?
CARTMAN: Well, Ah...
MISS CRABTREE: Now sit down and shut up!! Ahhhhhh!
CARTMAN: Yes, Ma�am!
[He runs to his usual seat.]
STAN: Oh, sh*t!
KYLE: What is it, Dude?
STAN: I forgot to chain Sparky up this morning!
CARTMAN: Oh, listen to this! Stan�s little homo dog is running around the town screwing all the other boy dogs!
[Stan reaches under his seat and picks up a shoe. He throws the shoe at Cartman and hits him in the head.]
KYLE: Well, you have a fence around you back yard, don�t you?
STAN: Yeah.
KYLE: Then don�t worry, Stan. Sparky can�t get out.
STAN: Hey, yeah!
[Ext. view, Stan�s back yard. Sparky is sniffing at a spot on the ground in the middle of the yard. He starts digging at that spot.]
[Ext. view, South Park Elementary.]
[Int. view, Mr. Garrison�s classroom. It has been decorated for Halloween.]
MR. GARRISON: All right, class, settle down. Since Halloween is coming up in a few days, our friend, Mr. Hat, thought that it would be a good idea to teach you about where the word �Halloween� came from.
[The class groans.]
MR. HAT: You all shut up and go to Hell! Now, the word Halloween has its origins in the Greek holiday of Richard Simmons� birthday. It was first celebrated when the Pilgrims landed their rickshaws at Antarctica in the Southwestern United States and...
STAN: So, what are you going to be this year, Kyle?
KYLE: I don't know. I was thinking about being Terrance or Phillip.
CARTMAN: Hey, Stan, are you gonna be a little gay clown again this year?
STAN: Shut the Hell up, Cartman! At least my mom doesn�t have a penis!
CARTMAN: Ay!
MR. GARRISON: Is there a problem, Eric?
CARTMAN: No, Mr. Garrison.
MR. GARRISON: Well, apologize to Mr. Hat; you interrupted his lesson.
CARTMAN: (Very reluctantly.) Ah�m sorry, Mr. Garrison.
MR. GARRISON: Don�t apologize to me! Apologize to Mr. Hat! You hurt his feelings!
KYLE: But he�s just a puppet; he doesn�t have any feelings.
MR. GARRISON: No one asked you, Jew-boy. Now, just apologize to him Eric!
CARTMAN: (Very reluctantly.) Ah�m sorry, Mr. Hat.
MR. HAT: Apology accepted, Eric. Now, you go to Hell! You go to Hell and you die!
[Ext. view, the playground. Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny are standing around talking.]
STAN: OK. It�s agreed. This year, there will be no eating the people giving us candy. Right, Kenny?
[Kenny shrugs.]
KYLE: Maybe we should decide on what we�re going to be this year, too!
STAN: Good idea, Kyle. Cartman, what are you going to be?
CARTMAN: Well, Ah haven�t given it much thought but...
KYLE: We all know you�re going to be a f*cking Cheesy Poof, Cartman!
CARTMAN: Oh, yeah! Well, if you�re so Goddamn smart then maybe you can tell me what special feature mah costume will have!?
STAN, KYLE, AND KENNY: (Very mechanically.) It will be a real giant Cheesy Poof so in case we don�t get any candy so you can eat it.
KYLE: But you�ll eat it anyway.
CARTMAN: What!? Ah�ll have you know that Ah have never eaten mah costume!
STAN: Cartman, when we�re finished, you always have all that orange powered cheese crap all over your face and hands!
CARTMAN: So? It�s a real Cheesy Poof, remember? Ah�m bound to get that cheese powder all over mah face and hands.
KYLE: Yeah, but your costume doesn�t cover your hands or your face, fat-ass!
CARTMAN: Oh, yeah!? Well...well, Kenny�s family is poor!
[There is silence.]
CARTMAN: Ah said, �Kenny�s family is poor,� Goddammit!
STAN: No sh*t, Cartman! We all know Kenny�s family is poor.
KYLE: Yeah! So what?
CARTMAN: Uh...his family is so poor that...uh...they have to...uh boil their toilet water so they can have somethin� to drink.
[Stan, Kyle, and Cartman laugh. Kenny punches Cartman in the face.]
KYLE: So, Stan, what are you going to be?
STAN: I was thinking that I could go as Boba Fett this year! There�s this killer costume at my Uncle Jimbo�s store!
KYLE: Why the Hell is your uncle selling Halloween costumes?
STAN: He�s not; he�s giving them away with a purchase of a gun!
KYLE: Really? Sweet! That�ll work perfectly for what I want to be!
CARTMAN: Ah thought you wanted to be Terrance or Phillip?
KYLE: Well, yeah, but not if someone else isn�t going to be the other one!
STAN: So, what are you going as?
KYLE: Remember those movies we were watching with that guy from �Xena: Warrior Princess� and �Hercules: The Legendary Journeys?�
STAN, CARTMAN, AND KENNY: No.
KYLE: You know that guy! He�s always wearing green and he�s got that really gay looking mustache?
STAN: Oh! You mean the guy from those �Evil Dead� movies!
KYLE: Yeah! I�m gonna be him!
CARTMAN: Yeah, but you�d, like, hafta chop off your hand.
STAN: Wow, Dude. That�s gonna suck.
CARTMAN: Yeah, then we can call him Kyle the Jewish Gimp.
KYLE: It�ll all be worth it for the sake of candy!
[Cut to commercial.]
[Ext. view, Stan�s back yard. Sparky is still digging away. There is a fairly large mound of dirt outside of the hole along with some feathers.]
[Big block letters read: �October 29, 3:03 PM.� We stay with Sparky for about a minute until the block letters read: �October 29, 3:04 PM (a little bit later).�]
[Ext. view, Jimbo�s Guns. The kids are walking up the sidewalk to Jimbo�s store.]
STAN: What kind of gun do you need, Kyle?
KYLE: I think I need a sawed off shotgun. Does your uncle sell any?
STAN: I don�t know; let�s find out.
[The kids go into Jimbo�s store. Jimbo and Ned are both inside.]
STAN: Hi, Uncle Jimbo. Hi, Ned.
NED: Mmmmm...Hello, Stan...mmmmmm.
JIMBO: Well, if it ain�t my nephew, Stanley! How the Hell are ya, Stanley?
STAN: I�m fine.
JIMBO: That�s great! What can I do for ya, Stan?
STAN: Uncle Jimbo, my friend Kyle here needs a gun for his Halloween costume.
JIMBO: For a Halloween costume, huh? Well, if it�s a handgun you need, you�ll have to wait seven days to get it.
KYLE: No, I just need a shotgun.
JIMBO: Oh, Hell! I can get you one of those right now!
STAN: Uncle Jimbo, why would it take seven days to get a handgun but Kyle could get a shotgun right now?
JIMBO: Well, ya see, Stanley, the Democrats say that it�s dangerous to get a handgun on the spot but they don�t say anything about shotguns or rifles, so it must be OK.
STAN: Ooooh! You sure are smart, Uncle Jimbo.
CARTMAN: Man, I hate those damn Democrats! Every time Ah find somethin� Ah like them come along and say �No! You can�t play with that cause it�s too fun! Now start throwin� Jell-O at mah nuts again while I dress up like Hitler and sing the Sound of Music!�
[Everyone just stares at Cartman.]
STAN: Cartman, what the Hell are you talking about!?
CARTMAN: Ah�m just sayin� Ah think gettin� the gun now is coo, that�s all.
JIMBO: Alrighty, then! What kind of shotgun are you lookin� for?
KYLE: Well, what kinds are there?
JIMBO: Well, there�s your pump action, single barrel, double barrel...
KYLE: I want a sawed off one that I never have to reload!
JIMBO: What?
STAN: You know, like in those �Evil Dead� movies where the guy loads his shotgun one time and never has to reload ever again.
JIMBO: Oh, one of those! We just got �em in today. Here try it on and see how it looks.
[Jimbo gets a sawed off shotgun out from behind the counter and hands it to Kyle. Kyle goes and looks in the mirror.]
KYLE: Come get some. Good. Bad. I�m the guy with the gun.
CARTMAN: Jesus Christ, Kyle, what the Hell are you doing!?
KYLE: I�m saying lines from those movies so I know if the whole thing works or not.
[Kyle starts pointing the shotgun around the room. Kenny pulls his hood shut and jumps behind a coat rack.]
JIMBO: Well, what do you think there?
KYLE: This kicks ass! How much for it?
JIMBO: Well, I�m not supposed to sell to minors...
KYLE: Why?
STAN: Yeah! They sell guns to kids at Wal-Mart!
CARTMAN: Yeah, it�s like that whiny bitch, Sheryl Cow...
KYLE: That�s Sheryl Crow, you f*cking retard!
CARTMAN: Ay! F*ck you! Anyway, it�s like that whiny bitch Sheryl Cow says in that song where she�s all like (Cartman attempts to sing.) �Ah�m leaving Las Veeeeeegassss!� Goddammn! Just shut the f*ck up and leave already! You�re giving me a f*ckin� migraine!
JIMBO: Well, if Wal-Mart does it, then it must be all right. OK, son, what do you have?
[Kyle digs through his pockets.]
KYLE: Um...I�ve got some lint, a nickel, a safety pin, and a gum wrapper.
JIMBO: That looks good enough for me. Here you go!
[Kyle gives Jimbo his stuff and Jimbo gives Kyle a receipt.]
STAN: Uncle Jimbo, what about the costume?
JIMBO: What? Oh, yeah. Go ahead, Stanley, get your Halloween costume.
[Stan gets the Boba Fett costume.]
JIMBO: Now that is an excellent choice! Boba Fett. The most feared bounty hunter in the Star Wars universe. Now that�s a man you can admire!
NED: Mmmmmm...He�s no good to me dead...mmmmmm!
STAN: Thanks, Uncle Jimbo!
JIMBO: You bet, Stan! Be sure and tell your friends that they can get any gun they want here!
[Ext. view, Stan�s back yard. Sparky is still digging. The dirt mound has gotten larger and now there are bits of bones laying on the ground as well.]
[Big block letters read: �October 29, 5:23.�]
[Int. view, Stan�s living room. The kids are sitting on the couch watching TV.]
[Shot of TV screen. Jesus and Pals is on.]
ANNOUNCER: And now back to Jesus and Pals on South Park Public Access.
JESUS: Yea. Know that I am the way. Death shall not overcome ye. I�d like to open the lines up for some callers. But, first, I�d like to say a few words about Halloween.
[Sounds of the kids groaning. Someone changes the channel so that now, Fat Abbot is on.]
FAT ABBOT: Hey hey hey! Who wants to go get a piece of ass?
RUDY: Man, Fat Abbot! You are so fat you can�t even reach around and get a piece of your own ass!
FAT ABBOT: Shut up, bitch!
[Cut back to the kids on the couch.]
CARTMAN: Man, Fat Abbot is coo. Ah wanna be like him someday!
KYLE: At the rate you eat Cheesy Poofs, you will be like him someday!
CARTMAN: Ay! Ah�ll kick your ass!
[Cartman and Kyle start fighting in the midst of the struggle, the remote falls off the couch, hits the floor, and changes the channel to Cartoon Central. The Terrance and Phillip Halloween Special is on.]
[Cut to shot of the TV screen again.]
PHILLIP: Oh, Terrance?
TERRANCE: What is it, Phillip?
PHILLIP: Remember those beans we had the other night?
TERRANCE: Do I ever, Phillip!
[Terrance farts. They both laugh.]
[Cut to a shot of the kids on the couch. They�re all laughing. Cut back to the TV.]
PHILLIP: Well, I�m afraid a few of them fell into some kind of radioactive goo and now they have mutated into gigantic man-eating beans! All of Canada is in danger!
TERRANCE: Then I guess there�s just one thing to do, Phillip. We must eat these radioactive mutant beans to save Canada!
PHILLIP: For Canada, Terrance!
TERRANCE: For Canada, Phillip!
[They start singing �O, Canada.� As they are doing so, zombies break through the floorboards, windows, and doors of their house. All of the zombies have the letter �z� on their chests. They join in on �O, Canada.�]
[Cut back to the kids.]
STAN: Man, this is sweet!
KYLE: Yeah! How do they come up with this stuff?
KENNY: Mmmnmmm mmn mmmm nnmmmm!
STAN: Really?
KYLE: Yeah, but wouldn�t acid just eat them?
[Ext. view, Stan�s backyard. Big block letters read: �October 30.� Sparky is digging at the hole still. Now there are a few skulls and rib cages out on the ground.]
[Ext. view, South Park Elementary. The Booktastic bus is there.]
KYLE: Man, why does this Goddamn bus come to our school so often?
[Int. view, the Booktastic bus. The kids are looking at the books.]
CARTMAN: Hey! This one looks pretty coo.
[Cartman holds up a big black book that says �Necronomicon Ex Mortus, DO NOT READ� on the front cover.]
STAN: What the Hell is that?
KYLE: Goddammit, Cartman!
CARTMAN: What?
KYLE: That�s not a real book!
CARTMAN: What do you mean!? Ah just picked it up right hya, you disbelieving son-of-a-bitch!
KYLE: Goddammit! Don�t call my mom a bitch, fat-ass!
CARTMAN: (Mocking Kyle in a high, whiny voice.) Don�t call mah mom a bitch! Fine! Ah�ll just put this f*ckin� book back then, asshole!
[The kids go back to looking at the books.]
STAN: Hey, Kyle! Check this out!
[Stan holds up the same book that Cartman just put down.]
KYLE: Sweet! Where did you find it, Dude?
CARTMAN: Ay! That�s the same f*ckin� book that Ah just showed you, ass-f*cker!
KYLE: Shut up, Cartman.
CARTMAN: (Whining.) But Ah�m the one who found it...eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEE!
[An overweight, unshaven man comes over to the boys. He is wearing the same outfit at the original Booktastic book guy.]
MAN: Are you kids gonna buy that book, or what? I�ve got some serious drinkin� to do.
CARTMAN: Hey! Is he related to your dad, Kenny? Bwahahahahahahhahahahah!
[Kenny roshambos Cartman.]
CARTMAN: Damn your black heart, Kenny McCormick! Damn it to Hell!
KYLE: How much is this book?
MAN: (Uninterested.) Does it have a price on it?
[Stan and Kyle search the book for a price tag.]
STAN: No.
MAN: (Uninterested.) Then it must be free. Take it and get the f*ck out of my bus.
[Cut to commercial.]
[Ext. view, Stan�s back yard. Big block letters read: �October 30, 1:17.� Sparky is still digging. The camera pans around the yard to show that Sparky has dug up about 40 complete skeletons.]
[Int. view, Mr. Garrison�s classroom.]
MR. GARRISON: Now, today, class, Mr. Hat would like to discuss Halloween safety.
[The class groans.]
MR. HAT: That�s right, Mr. Garrison. Now when you�re trick-or-treating it�s always a good idea to remember that some houses don�t just give you candy, you have to whore yourself out to get it...
[Shot of the class. Kyle is fidgeting around in his seat.]
STAN: What�s the matter, Kyle?
KYLE: I don�t know, Dude. There�s something that�s just not right about this book I got.
CARTMAN: Ah know what�s wrong with it!
KYLE: Really? What?
CARTMAN: Well, for starters, there are no recipes for mega sweety candy covered chocolate cheese chicken an� fish pie!
STAN: Mega what?
CARTMAN: Mega sweety candy covered chocolate cheese chicken an� fish pie.
KENNY: Mmnnmm mmn mmnmnm nnmmmn mm!
KYLE: Sick, Dude!
MR. GARRISON: Are there any questions?
[Stan raises his hand.]
MR. GARRISON: Yes, Stanley?
STAN: You know how cats always land on their feet and toast always lands buttered side down?
MR. GARRISON: Yes, go on?
STAN: Well, if you put a piece of toast on a cat�s back butter side up and then threw the cat out a window, would it just sit there in midair or would it fall?
MR. GARRISON: Well, I...I really don�t know that, Stanley.
STAN: Oh.
[Cartman raises his hand.]
MR. GARRISON: No, Eric, it isn�t time for lunch yet.
CARTMAN: No, Ah have a question right hya, seriously.
MR. GARRISON: Oh. All right, what is it?
CARTMAN: Can we go to the library?
STAN: What!? Why the Hell do you want to go there!?
MR. GARRISON: Stanley, please, I can handle this. Mr. Hat, what do you think, should we send the children to the library?
MR. HAT: Well, Mr. Garrison, no! No no no no no no no no! They can all go to Hell where birds will peck at their eyes for eternity and rats gnaw on their toes!!
MR. GARRISON: I�m afraid we can�t today, Eric.
CARTMAN: (Under his breath.) Goddamn Bret-Favre-lovin� gay puppet.
[Kyle raises his hand.]
MR. GARRISON: Yes, Kyle?
KYLE: Mr. Garrison, can we to go the library?
MR. GARRISON: Let me ask, Mr. Hat again. Mr. Hat? Kyle asked we could go to the library; what do you think?
MR. HAT: Well, all right. Send the little f*ckers to the library.
MR. GARRISON: Well, class it looks like we�re going to the library!
[The class groans.]
MR. HAT: You all shut up and die! You die and you get your skin peeled off while you�re still alive in Hell!
[Ext. view, Stan�s back yard. Big block letters read: �October 30, 2:03.� Sparky has dug up around 60 complete skeletons.]
[Int. view, South Park Elementary library. The class is in various places in the library. Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny are all sitting at the same table.]
STAN: This place is weird. Why did you want to come here, Kyle?
KYLE: Because, Dude, this book I got is all in some other language. I thought that maybe there would be a book in here that would help me translate it.
[The librarian comes to their table.]
LIBRARIAN: Can I take your order?
STAN: Hey! Don�t I know you from somewhere?
LIBRARIAN: Do you ever watch movies?
STAN: Well, yeah.
LIBRARIAN: Zombie movies?
STAN: Yeah.
LIBRARIAN: Evil Dead movies?
STAN: Yeah! Those movies kick ass!
LIBRARIAN: Well, thank you.
CARTMAN: What the Hell are you talkin� about?
LIBRARIAN: You see, boys, I was in those movies. I�m Bruce Campbell.
KYLE: Bruce Campbell!?
STAN: Sweet! You kick ass, Dude!
KYLE: Yeah! I�m going to be you for Halloween!
BRUCE CAMPBELL: Me from the Evil Dead movies or me from those God-awful Hercules and Xena shows?
KYLE: The Evil Dead movies.
BRUCE CAMPBELL: That�s a relief.
STAN: If you hate those Hercules and Xena shows, why are you on them all the time?
BRUCE CAMPBELL: Hey, I gotta pay bills, too, kid.
CARTMAN: What�re you doin� in South Park?
BRUCE CAMPBELL: Slumming, sort of. I have a cousin out here that has some sort of animal sanctuary, or something, that I�m visiting.
STAN: You mean Big Gay Al!?
BRUCE CAMPBELL: You know him?
STAN: Yeah, Dude! He helped me get back my gay dog, Sparky!
BRUCE CAMPBELL: I�ll have to tell him I saw you! What can I do for you boys?
KYLE: Yeah! Do you have anything that could help me translate this?
[Kyle shows the Necronomicon to Bruce Campbell.]
BRUCE CAMPBELL: Let�s see here. Hmmm...Necronomicon Ex Mortus, huh? I know I know that name from somewhere...
CARTMAN: Wasn�t that the name of that book in those movies an� it�s all, like, wrapped up in human skin and written in blood an� when you read stuff in it you, like, give the evil dead license to rise from the dead and try to take over the world and stuff?
[Bruce Campbell reaches down, picks up Cartman with one hand, and holds him up off the floor.]
BRUCE CAMPBELL: Listen, fatty! Do I tell you how to do your job!? Do I!?
CARTMAN: N-no, sir!
BRUCE CAMPBELL: Now, don�t interrupt me again, got it!?
CARTMAN: N-no, sir! Ah mean, y-yes sir!
KYLE: Dude! Cartman�s peeing himself!
[Bruce Campbell sets Cartman back in his chair with an audible squishing sound.]
BRUCE CAMPBELL: I�ll be right back. And I want that mess cleaned up by the time I return, fat-ass.
CARTMAN: (Under his breath.) Well, at least Ah don�t have a gay homosexual cousin!
BRUCE CAMPBELL: What was that!?
CARTMAN: Ah...Ah said �Yes, sir!�
KYLE: Damn, Cartman! He made you his bitch!
CARTMAN: Shut up, Goddammit! Ah am not gonna take that sh*t from you anymore. Screw you guys. Ah�m goin� home.
[Cartman gets up and leaves. As he is walking away, we can hear squishing sounds with each step.]
BRUCE CAMPBELL: (Off screen.) Hey! Where do you think you�re going, lard-ass!?
CARTMAN: (Off screen.) Ay! Ah am not fat, Goddammit! Mah brain is just so big that it�s spread across mah whole body.
BRUCE CAMPBELL: (Off screen.) Well, that explains why you�re such a retard: you walk and sit on your brain all the time! Now get your ass back in that chair!
[Cartman comes running, with the squishing sounds, back into the picture and sits down, with the squishing sounds again. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are laughing at Cartman the whole time.]
STAN: Damn, Cartman! I�ve never seen anyone fold over so quick in my life!
CARTMAN: Ay! He�s a lot bigger than me!
KYLE: He�s definitely not fatter that you!
[Stan, Kyle, and Kenny laugh.]
CARTMAN: This is f*ckin� weak! Ah can�t leave and Ah can�t stay hya! Ah�m gonna kick someone�s ass!
[Cartman gets up and walks, with the squishing sounds, to the children�s section. Pip is there reading some book about bunnies. Cartman�s shadow creeps up on Pip until is covers him.]
PIP: Oh! Cheerio, Eric! Would you like to sit down with me and...
[Cut back to the table with the kids at it. Pip comes flying into the shot and lands in front of the table.]
PIP: (Coughing.) Glad...to be of...assistance, Eric.
[Pip passes out and Cartman and his squishing sounds come back to the table. Bruce Campbell walks back to the table with a book in hand.]
BRUCE CAMPBELL: (To Pip.) Hey, kid! No bleeding on my carpets! Get up!
[Pip comes to.]
PIP: But...I�m very badly...hurt!
BRUCE CAMPBELL: Shut up, kid, nobody�s buyin� it! Get lost!
PIP: Right-o.
[Pip leaves.]
BRUCE CAMPBELL: Now then. Here�s a book on the Kandarian language, Kyle. This should help.
KYLE: Kick ass! Thanks, Mr. Campbell!
BRUCE CAMPBELL: You can call me Ash.
CARTMAN: This kicks ass! We know Ash!
BRUCE CAMPBELL: I didn�t say you could call me Ash, fatso! It�s Mr. Bruce Campbell to you!
CARTMAN: Goddammit!
[Cut to commercial.]
[Ext. view, Stan�s back yard. Big block letters read: �October 30, 4:34.� There all the skeletons have been assembled somehow and some are wearing armor and have swords, axes, bows and arrows, etc. laying by their sides. Sparky circles around in one spot for a few seconds, lays down, and goes to sleep.]
[Ext. view, Kyle�s house. It�s decorated for Halloween.]
[Int. view, Kyle�s room. The kids and Ike are all there.]
STAN: So, why did you want all of us here, Kyle?
CARTMAN: Yeah! Ah�m missin� the New Welcome Back Kotter for your little sissy-poo meeting, Goddammit!
KENNY: Mnmmnm mmnmmn nnmm mnmm!
KYLE: Dude, your Dad gets Skinemax! How could you ever miss those movies!?
CARTMAN: Heh, yeah. The only channel on Kenny�s family�s TV is that one where people are all, like, �How are you doin� today� and then some guy goes �Ah�ll let you decide that� and then everybody starts gettin� all naked and then Ah pass out!
[The all stare at Cartman.]
CARTMAN: What?
STAN: Do it, Kenny.
[Kenny starts wailing away on Cartman. After a while, Stan and Kyle pull him off.]
KYLE: All right, Kenny. I think fat-ass here has learned his lesson.
IKE: Guh...fadass!
CARTMAN: Shut up, ya little dildo!
STAN: So, why are we here, Dude?
KYLE: Well, I wanted to see if we could get this book all translated tonight.
STAN: Then why is Ike here?
KYLE: My mom said I have to watch him tonight while my parents go to the movies.
STAN: Well, can�t we put him somewhere so he�s not in the way all the time?
KYLE: Good thinking, Dude!
[Kyle gets one of those plastic milk carton boxes and puts it over Ike.]
KYLE: Now, Cartman, you sit here. And no farting! If Ike is dead when my parents get home, they�ll kill me!
[Cartman sits on the box. The sides start to buckle and the top sags down considerably. Ike can barely move.]
KYLE: OK. Let�s get to work!
[Film montage of Stan, Kyle, and Kenny working on translations while Cartman eats, watches TV, eats, sleeps, eats, watches more TV, eats.]
KYLE: Sweet! That�s it! We finished it!
STAN: Yeah, and look! We�ve still got time to get home and watch Terrance and Phillip!
CARTMAN: Kick ass!
[The kids, except Ike, leave Kyle�s room. We can see the criss-cross pattern from the box on Cartman�s ass.]
[Ext. view, Kyle�s house. By now, it�s nighttime and the sky is black. The kids are standing on the doorstep.]
KYLE: Thanks for the help, you guys!
STAN: No problem, Dude. See you tomorrow!
KYLE: Later, Stan! Hey, Cartman! Nice pants!
[Kyle, Stan, and Kenny all laugh at the pattern on Cartman�s ass.]
CARTMAN: Goddammit! Now, listen! Why am Ah always the one you assholes make fun of!? Kenny�s family is poor!
STAN: So?
CARTMAN: They�re poor, Goddammit!
KYLE: Dude, that�s harsh: making fun of Kenny�s family just because they�re poor!
CARTMAN: You guys say Ah�m fat all the time, seriously!
STAN: That�s different, lard-mouth!
CARTMAN: Ay!
[Int. view, Kyle�s room. Ike goes over to the Necronomicon.]
[Ext. view, Kyle�s front yard. The kids are still there.]
CARTMAN: That�s it! Screw you guys, Ah�m goin� home!
[Cartman walks off.]
KYLE: You were leaving anyway, you f*cking retard!
[Stan and Kenny leave the shot.]
CARTMAN: (Off screen and distant.) Screw you, hippie!
[Int. view, Kyle�s room. Ike is standing over the Necronomicon, which is lying open, and talking in the usual gibbering he does. Lightning flashes ominously outside the window.]
[Ext. view, Stan�s back yard. Big block letters read: �October 30, 9:37.� Camera pans to get a close look at one of the skeletons. It�s eyes turn red and it gets up. The other skeletons follow suit. As they are leaving, Sparky wakes up and grabs hold of one of the skeleton�s leg and pulls it off. The skeleton crawls away as Sparky gnaws on the bone.]
[Int. view, Stan�s house. Stan is sitting on the couch watching TV.]
[Cut to shot of the TV screen. Fat Abbot is on.]
FAT ABBOT: Hey hey hey! I just rolled up on them suckas down the street and smoked they asses wit� my AK!
RUDY: Fat Abbot, you so fat you probably smothered them to death wit� your fat rolls!
FAT ABBOT: Shut up, bitch!
[Fat Abbot is interrupted by a news flash.]
NEWSCASTER: We interrupt this cartoon to bring you an important announcement. We now go to our reporter live on the scene, a man wearing a Little Bo Peep dress with antlers on his head.
[Scene changes to the reporter, who has antlers on his head and is wearing a frilly pink dress. He is standing with several skeletons.]
REPORTER: Thanks, Tom. Well it look like a new diet has been born in South Park and it�s really catching on. Excuse me, sir? What is the secret of this bold new diet?
[He holds the microphone up to one of the skeletons.]
SKELETON: We feast on the Darkness that is to come and devour your world! We are the things that once were and shall be again! You will bend your will to our bidding!
[The skeletons leave.]
REPORTER: Well, there you have it. The latest diet craze, born in South Park, is nothing more than the average religion! Back to you, Tom!
[Stan turns off the TV.]
STAN: Damn! Cartman should be on that diet!
[Ext. view, Stan�s back yard. Big block letters read: �October 31, 10:24.� Sparky is still sleeping by the giant hole in the ground. Mr. Marsh comes out to the back yard.]
MR. MARSH: Goddammit, Sparky! Bad dog! Bad!
[Cut to commercial.]
[Ext. view, South Park Elementary.]
MR. GARRISON: OK, class, today I�ve got a special treat for you!
[Int. view, Mr. Garrison�s classroom. All the kids are in their Halloween costumes. Mr. Garrison is wearing a black wig and a blue dress with whitish stuff all over it. Mr. Hat is wearing a Bill Clinton mask.]
MR. GARRISON: Today, class, instead of having class, we�re going to have all sorts of games and crap like that.
KYLE: Mr. Garrison?
MR. GARRISON: Yes, Kyle?
KYLE: What are you supposed to be?
MR. GARRISON: I�m a White House intern.
KYLE: Oh.
STAN: What�s all that white stuff on you?
MR. GARRISON: Um...well, it looks like it�s time for the games to start! Let�s all go to the gymnasium!
[Int. view, South Park Elementary gymnasium. The kids are all playing Halloween games.]
CARTMAN: Hey, Kenny, what are you supposed to be?
[Kenny just has a black mask over his eyes.]
KENNY: Mmnmn nnmn mmnmn.
STAN: Dude! That�s f*ckin� weak!
KYLE: Yeah! What the Hell kind of costume is that for the Lone Ranger!?
MR. GARRISON: Oh, dammit! I forgot my camera! Kyle, would you boys go back upstairs and bring back my camera for me?
KYLE: Why the Hell can�t you do it?
MR. GARRISON: (Pointing to his dress.) Just look what happened the last time I went upstairs with Mr. Hat alone!
KYLE: Whatever.
[Kyle, Stan, Cartman, and Kenny leave. A few seconds later, there is a pounding at the gym door.]
MR. GARRISON: What the Hell was that!? Clyde go up the window and see what that was!
CLYDE: Why do I hafta go?
MR. GARRISON: (Pointing to his dress.) Just look what happened last time I looked through a window with Mr. Hat alone!
[Clyde goes to the window. Cut to shot of the outside of the school. The skeletons have surrounded it and are preparing for a fight.]
[Cut back to Kyle, Stan, Cartman, and Kenny.]
KYLE: What do you guys think that stuff on Mr. Garrison�s dress is?
CARTMAN: Ah bet it�s some kind of frosting from some kind of cream-filled long john!
[Bruce Campbell walks into the scene.]
BRUCE CAMPBELL: Hey, kids!
CARTMAN: Hey, Ash!
[Bruce Campbell stares angrily at Cartman.]
CARTMAN: (Sighing.) Ah mean, Hey, Mr. Bruce Campbell.
BRUCE CAMPBELL: Kyle! Do you have the Necronomicon?
KYLE: Sorry, Dude! I left it at home this morning!
BRUCE CAMPBELL: Dammit!
STAN: What�s wrong?
BRUCE CAMPBELL: What�s wrong!? Haven�t you kids seen the army of the undead outside!?
CARTMAN: No, we were comin� upstairs hya to get Mr. Garrison�s camera so he can take pictures of what he and Mr. Hat have been doin� for Mr. Hat�s trial. Ah�m gonna hafta testify so Ah thought that Ah might go into town and, like, get mah nails and hair done so no one thinks Ah�m a skank.
BRUCE CAMPBELL: What?
CARTMAN: Nothin�.
BRUCE CAMPBELL: Listen, we have to get out of here and get that book from Kyle�s house or we�re all dead!
CARTMAN: Oh no! Ah ain�t gonna go out there and die with these assholes! Ah�m just gonna stay hya and...
[Bruce Campbell grabs Cartman by the head and drags him off. The rest of the kids follow him.]
CARTMAN: Goddammit! This hurts ya f*ckin� ass suckin� piece of retarded llama sh*t!
[Int. view, Kyle�s room. Bruce Campbell and the kids are looking for the Necronomicon.]
KYLE: Dammit! It�s not anywhere!
MRS. BROFSLOVSKI: (Off screen.) Kyle, bubby, it that you?
[Mrs. Brofslovski comes into Kyle�s room with Ike.]
MRS. BROFSLOVSKI: What are you doing home from school so early?
KYLE: We need to get this book I had to stop an army of the undead!
MRS. BROFSLOVSKI: Was it this book right here?
[Mrs. Brofslovski pulls out the Necronomicon. It has crayon all over it now.]
BRUCE CAMPBELL: That�s it! Now, we need to get back to the school and find the spell that will send those skeletons back to the dead!
MRS. BROFSLOVSKI: Kyle! How many times have I told you not to raise the dead!?
KYLE: Mom, seriously, I have to get back to school! We have to stop those skeletons before they kill everyone!
MRS. BROFSLOVSKI: All right, bubbla, but first you give your mother a kiss!
KYLE: (Pleading.) Mom! Not in front of the guys!
CARTMAN: (Mocking Kyle.) Give your mommy a kiss, Kyle!
KENNY: (Mocking Kyle?) Mmmnmm mmmn mm mm, Mnmmnmmm!
MRS. BROFSLOVSKI: Come on, Dear, just a quick peck before you go.
[Kyle screams and runs out the front door. Everyone just stands and looks around, trying to avoid the awkward situation.]
BRUCE CAMPBELL: Um...I guess we should go now.
STAN: Yeah. Bye, Mrs. Brofslovski!
CARTMAN: Bye, Mrs. Kyle! And make sure there�s pie hya for me next time, Goddammit, you bitch!
[The kids and Bruce Campbell exit.]
[Ext. view, Main Street South Park. There�s no sign of life. All the shops� windows have been broken out. The kids and Bruce Campbell stop walking.]
STAN: Where the Hell is everyone!?
VOICE: Rather unexplained, isn�t it?
BRUCE CAMPBELL: I know that voice!
[They all turn around to see who is talking to them.]
BRUCE CAMPBELL: Nimoy. I should have known you were behind this!
KYLE: What the Hell!?
STAN: What the f*ck is Leonard Nimoy doing here?
CARTMAN: Maybe he�s hya to apologize for all those Goddamn sh*tty �Star Crap� movies.
LEONARD NIMOY: That�s �Star Trek�, ass-biter. No, it was not I who raised this army of the dead. I couldn�t have done it without the help of some kid who looks like a trashcan.
KYLE: You mean Ike!?
LEONARD NIMOY: That�s right. Since an adult�s vocal cords are too well developed, there is no way to say any of the incantations in the Necronomicon. Therefore, I needed a child to recite it for me.
STAN: So, you got Ike to say that stuff?
LEONARD NIMOY: Oh, God, no! That was just luck. But now, my army of the dead will enslave the world and all shall bow before me!
CARTMAN: (To Stan.) Where do these assholes come from?
[Stan shrugs.]
BRUCE CAMPBELL: Not this time, Nimoy! We�re going to put an end to your madness once and for all!
LEONARD NIMOY: Pathetic mortals! I�ll swallow your souls!
KYLE: Come get some.
LEONARD NIMOY: To me, my army of the evil dead!
[Cut to South Park Elementary gymnasium. The skeletons outside all start leaving.]
[Cut back to South Park street. The skeletons are surrounding Bruce Campbell and the kids.]
BRUCE CAMPBELL: It�s a good thing I was prepared for this!
[He pulls a sawed-off shotgun and chainsaw out from behind him.]
BRUCE CAMPBELL: Here, Stan, you take this.
[He gives Stan the chainsaw.]
STAN: Sweet!
CARTMAN: Ay! What about me?
KYLE: What about you!?
CARTMAN: Why don�t Ah get somethin� to kick ass with?
STAN: Just eat your f*cking costume and fart, ass-head!
BRUCE CAMPBELL: Here, Kenny, this is for you.
[He gives Kenny a popcicle stick.]
KENNY: (Sounding very angry.) Mnmmnmnm! Nmmmnmmn mmnmmnmmn mmnm nmmmnmmmmmm nnnmmnmmnm, Mmmmnmmmn!
LEONARD NIMOY: Get them!
[The skeletons start to advance on Bruce Campbell and the kids. Bruce Campbell blasts about ten of the skeletons away with his shotgun, leaving only the skulls.]
SKULLS: Hey! We�ll swallow your souls! We�ll swallow your souls! We�ll swallow your souls!
[The skulls jump onto Kenny and start biting away at him.]
KENNY: MMMNMNMMNM!
[The skulls jump off, leaving Kenny skeletonized.]
STAN: Oh, my God! They�ve killed Kenny!
KYLE: You bastards!
[A huge fight ensues. Stan is chopping skeletons to pieces. Kyle is whacking away at skeletons with his unloaded shotgun. Bruce Campbell is blasting skeletons with his shotgun, never once reloading. Cartman is eating pieces of his Cheesy Poof costume and farting skeletons apart. After a while of this, they start to be overwhelmed by the skeletons numbers.]
STAN: Dude! This sucks ass!
BRUCE CAMPBELL: Our only hope is the Necronomicon! If we read the right passage aloud, the skeletons will return to the dead!
[He opens the Necronomicon and starts turning pages frantically.]
BRUCE CAMPBELL: Here it is! Kyle, read this out loud!
[Kyle takes the book from Bruce Campbell and looks at it.]
KYLE: (Reading.) �Get the f*ck out of our town, you bony assholes.�
SKELETON #1: He has spoken the sacred words!
SKELETON #2: Let�s get the Hell out of here!
[The skeletons try to run away but, before they can, their bodies turn to dust leaving only their skulls.]
LEONARD NIMOY: Nooooo! Curse you, Bruce Campbell! Curse you and your clever thinking! You haven�t heard the last of Leonard Nimoy! Come, my army!
[Leonard Nimoy runs away with some skulls rolling after him.]
KYLE: That sucked.
STAN: Yeah. But you know what? I think I learned something.
BRUCE CAMPBELL: Really?
[The slow piano music starts up.]
STAN: Sometimes, things look so bad that it looks like there�s no way to overcome them. But with teamwork and a little knowledge from our friends, books, there is always a way to win. No matter the odds, good will always overcome evil. And, if we read this spell right here, we can turn Cartman into James Earl Jones!
CARTMAN: What!?
BRUCE CAMPBELL: Well, my work here is done. See you kids around!
[He leaves.]
STAN, KYLE, AND CARTMAN: Bye, Ash!
[There is a shotgun blast from off screen that hits by Cartman�s feet.]
CARTMAN: Ah, mean...Bye, Mr. Bruce Campbell.
KYLE: All right, where was that spell again?
[Cut to commercial.]
[Ext. view, the bus stop. Stan and Kyle are there.]
STAN: Have you seen Cartman since yesterday?
KYLE: Not since I cast that spell on him, Dude.
STAN: Well he better get here soon or the bus is gonna leave without him!
[James Earl Jones/Cartman walks up to the bus stop. He has a piece of paper in his hand.]
STAN AND KYLE: Hey, Cartman!
JAMES EARL JONES/CARTMAN: Hey, guys.
[James Earl Jones/Cartman yawns.]
STAN: Damn, Cartman! It looks like you didn�t get much sleep last night!
JAMES EARL JONES/CARTMAN: Ah didn�t. After Ah went home, Ah started to eat all the candy at mah house and mah mom brought me a drink and Ah don�t remember anything after that except that Ah am tired as Hell.
STAN: What�s that in your hand, Cartman?
JAMES EARL JONES/CARTMAN: Nothin�. Mah mom just handed it to me before Ah left mah house.
KYLE: Give it here!
[Kyle grabs the paper away from James Earl Jones/Cartman.]
JAMES EARL JONES/CARTMAN: Ay! You give that back, asshole!
KYLE: (Taunting James Earl Jones/Cartman.) Why, Cartman? What�s it say?
JAMES EARL JONES/CARTMAN: How the Hell should Ah know!? Mah mom just gave it to me before Ah left mah house, ass-rammer!
[Kyle starts to read the note. His eyes go wide and he turns kind of a greenish color.]
STAN: What�s it say, Dude?
[Kyle hands Stan the note and barfs.]
STAN: Sick, Dude! Keep your barf to yourself!
JAMES EARL JONES/CARTMAN: Yeah, ya butt-f*ckin� son-of-a-bitch!
STAN: Shut up, Cartman.
[Stan clears his throat.]
STAN: (Reading.) �Dear Mr. Earl Jones, I am sorry I got you drunk last night but I just wanted to let you know that last night was the most incredible night of passion I have ever had in my life. Love, Dee-Anne Cartman.�
[Stan turns green and barfs.]
JAMES EARL JONES/CARTMAN: What the Hell is the matter with you guys!?
KYLE: Cartman! Don�t you get it!? You slept with your mom last night!
JAMES EARL JONES/CARTMAN: What!?
STAN: You made sweet love to your own mom! That�s f*ckin� sick, Dude!
JAMES EARL JONES/CARTMAN: What the f*ck are you guys sayin� hya!?
KYLE: Goddammit, Cartman! You f*cked your mom!
JAMES EARL JONES/CARTMAN: No! That�s not possible!
STAN: Damn, Cartman! I always knew your mom was a slut but Jesus Christ!
KYLE: You�d think she�d recognize her own son!
JAMES EARL JONES/CARTMAN: You guys...Ah think Ah need a hug right about now, seriously.
STAN: Screw that! I�m outta here!
KYLE: Wait up, Stan!
[Stan and Kyle run out of the scene.]
JAMES EARL JONES/CARTMAN: You bitches get back hya and give me a hug, Goddammit!
[Roll credits and end song.]
An Especially Very Special Thanksgiving Special By Mr. Dead
[Warnings, song, and titles.]
[Int. view, South Park Elementary auditorium stage. There are large, red curtains closed. The lights go out and a spotlight shines on the curtains. Stan walks out from behind the curtains.]
STAN: Ladies and Gentlemen, tonight, we present to you two of the finest entertainers in the world...
[Cartman bursts through the curtains with a sock on his hand.]
CARTMAN: Ta-daaa!
[There is silence except for the sound of crickets chirping.]
CARTMAN: (Dejectedly.) Eh...f*ck you.
[He walks off stage.]
STAN: As I was saying: Tonight we are proud to present two of the finest entertainers in the world: Terrance and Phillip!
[Cut to back stage. Kenny is untying a knot. He finally gets it untied and there is a sound like a pulley that needs oil. Kenny looks up, panics, and is splattered by a falling sandbag. His head comes through the curtains and lands at Stan�s feet.]
STAN: Oh, my God! They�ve killed Kenny!
KYLE: (From backstage.) You bastards!
[Cartman runs back on stage and accidentally kicks Kenny�s head into the lights above the stage. The screen goes black except for the kids' eyes.]
CARTMAN: Oops.
STAN: Goddammit! Just show the f*cking cartoon already!
ANNOUNCER: And now...the HBC Movie of the Week. Terrance...Phillip. Canada�s hottest action stars in �An Especially Special Thanksgiving Special.� Based on a true story.
[Ext. view, Terrance and Phillip�s house.]
[Int. view, Terrance and Phillip�s living room. Terrance and Phillip are sitting on the couch watching TV.]
TERRANCE: Say, Phillip? Do you know what those Thanksgiving balloons are filled with?
PHILLIP: No. No, I don�t, Terrance. What are those Thanksgiving balloons filled with?
TERRANCE: They have to fill them with hot air!
PHILLIP: Do you mean like this?
[Phillip farts. Terrance and Phillip laugh.]
PHILLIP: Oh, Terrance?
TERRANCE: Yes, Phillip?
PHILLIP: What are we going to eat on Thanksgiving this year?
TERRANCE: Isn�t Karl�s Kroft Dinner Palace open on Thanksgiving, Phillip?
PHILLIP: No, I don�t think it is, Terrance!
TERRANCE: Oh, my God! What ever shall we do without Kroft Dinner for Thanksgiving!?
[The doorbell rings.]
PHILLIP: I�ll get it!
TERRANCE: I�m going to put on an Indian costume!
[Terrance exits. Phillip goes to the door. He opens it to reveal a messenger.]
MESSENGER: Special delivery for Terrance and Phillip.
PHILLIP: I�ll take it!
MESSENGER: Sign hya and hya and hya and hya...and hya.
[Phillip signs there and there and there and there...and there.]
[The messenger gives Phillip the letter and leaves. Phillip closes the door with a fart and laughs.]
PHILLIP: Oh, Terrance! We got a letter!
[Terrance comes out in an Indian costume, complete with full headdress.]
TERRANCE: How, Chief Phillip! Whatum does the letter sayum?
[Phillip opens the letter and reads it.]
PHILLIP: Bless my Kroft Dinner, Terrance!
TERRANCE: What is it, Chief Phillip? Did you fartum?
PHILLIP: No, we�ve been invited to the Canadian National Thanksgiving Parade to assist with the balloons and that there will be a huge Thanksgiving feast afterwards!
TERRANCE: Oh, Phillip! It is times like this when I am most proud to live in Canada!
PHILLIP: To Canada, Terrance!
TERRANCE: To Canada, Phillip!
[They start singing �O Canada�.]
[Ext. view, Scott�s house.]
[Int. view, Scott�s war room. Scott is sitting at his desk.]
SCOTT: My plan is working perfectly! Terrance and Phillip are going to show up at that parade and there they will be ripped apart and killed to death! Now we need to get the Canadian people to hate Terrance and Phillip. That�s where you come in, Alan Thicke.
[Camera turns to show Alan Thicke sitting in a chair facing Scott�s desk.]
ALAN THICKE: What do you want me to do?
SCOTT: I want you to use your powers of persuasion on the Canadian people and make them hate Terrance and Phillip. That way when Terrance and Phillip show up at the Canadian National Thanksgiving Parade, the people will become angry and kill them a lot!
ALAN THICKE: I shall crush Terrance and Phillip until they scream for mercy and then I shall destroy them for all time!
SCOTT AND ALAN THICKE: Bwahahahahahahahhahahahhahahaha!
SCOTT: Now, get out of here, Alan Thicke, before I become angered and have you eliminated for not doing your job!
ALAN THICKE: Yes, Master.
[Alan Thicke leaves. Scott waits until he is gone and starts the maniacal laughter again.]
[Ext. view, Canadian street. Terrance and Phillip are walking down the sidewalk.]
TERRANCE: That sure was good Kroft Dinner, Phillip!
PHILLIP: It sure was, Terrance! Say, why don�t we see what�s on the telly in that store window?
TERRANCE: Terrific idea, Phillip!
[They stop at a store window and look at the TV�s in the window. One of the TV�s has South Park on.]
PHILLIP: (Laughing.) Look at those stupid American children, Terrance!
TERRANCE: (Laughing.) They look like gophers, Phillip!
[They continue laughing until the TV changes channels. Now, Alan Thicke is on TV.]
TERRANCE: Who is this smelly old man, Phillip?
PHILLIP: That�s Alan Thicke, Terrance! He used to be on that American �Groin Pains� show!
TERRANCE: What is Alan Thicke doing on the telly now, Phillip?
PHILLIP: I think Alan Thicke is trying to make a comeback, Terrance!
TERRANCE: But, Phillip, there�s no need for a comeback!
PHILLIP: Tell that to Alan Thicke.
[Cut to shot of the TV screen.]
ALAN THICKE: ...And then they farted on my cat until it died. Then they set fire to its corpse and force-fed it to my grandmama! I tell you, good people of Canada that Terrance and Phillip are a couple of menaces to our very lives! If we do not kill them, they will destroy us all with their farts and other assorted hijinks! Well, that�s all for our show today. We�ll end today the same way we end the show every day. Remember to keep the pet population down; have your pets spayed or neutered!
[Alan Thicke starts singing �O Canada.� The Toronto Blue Jays come in and start singing with him.]
[Cut back to Terrance and Phillip. They are both singing �O Canada� as are all the people on the street with them.]
TERRANCE: Why do you think that Alan Thicke hates us, Phillip? We didn�t do any of those things he was talking aboot!
PHILLIP: What aboot the part where he said we farted on his cat, Terrance?
TERRANCE: Well, we probably did do that, but we didn�t kill it, Phillip!
PHILLIP: Perhaps Alan Thicke is xenophobic?
TERRANCE: But, we�re not foreigners, Phillip!
PHILLIP: Oh, yes.
MAN: Hey! Everybody, look! It�s Terrance and Phillip! Get the Hell out of our country, you bastards!
WOMAN: Yeah! Go back to your own country!
[The people start throwing things at Terrance and Phillip.]
TERRANCE: I think we had better leave this place, Phillip!
PHILLIP: You�re right, Terrance! Let us run hastily back to our house!
[Terrance and Phillip start running away with the crowd following close behind, still throwing things. The crowd starts to gain on Terrance and Phillip.]
PHILLIP: We�ll never make it at this rate, Terrance!
TERRANCE: We better use our turbo boost, Phillip!
PHILLIP: Oh, yes! Our turbo boost! You certainly are smart, Terrance!
[Terrance and Phillip both fart, shooting them far ahead of the crowd and leaving a brown �smoke screen� behind them. The crowd all start falling over or running in the other direction.]
[Int. view, Scott�s war room. Scott is still sitting at his desk. The phone rings.]
SCOTT: Hello? Yes, this is Scott. They got away, eh? Dammit! Well, they won�t be so lucky next time. Yes, do your show again tomorrow. We�ll have the Canadian people hunting Terrance and Phillip down like dogs before the Canadian National Thanksgiving Parade even begins.
[He hangs up the phone.]
SCOTT: That�s right, Terrance and Phillip. Your fart loving days are numbered! Soon, you shall fart no more!
[Cut to commercial.]
[Ext. view, Terrance and Phillip�s house. Barky and Purry are in the front yard, farting on everything.]
[Int. view, Terrance and Phillip�s living room. They are sitting on the couch.]
TERRANCE: Say, Phillip? Why do you suppose those people got so irate at us? We didn�t even do anything!
PHILLIP: I wonder if they saw Alan Thicke on the telly and he made them hate us so?
TERRANCE: Oh, Phillip! What ever shall we do? How can we, two simple ordinary Canadians, ever hope to defeat such a powerful Canadian celebrity like Alan Thicke? All is lost! There is only one option left to us, Phillip.
PHILLIP: I�ll get the grape juice and cyanide, Terrance!
TERRANCE: No, not that.
PHILLIP: Well what did you have in mind, Terrance?
TERRANCE: I know! I�ll call Scott! Maybe he will know what to do!
PHILLIP: Splendid idea, Terrance!
[Terrance picks up the phone and dials.]
[Int. view, Scott�s war room. Scott isn�t there. The phone rings and after a little while, the answering machine picks it up.]
SCOTT: (On the answering machine.) Hello. You�ve reached Scott from Canada. I�m either not home right now or I am implementing my latest scheme to destroy Terrance and Phillip for all time. Please leave a message after the beep.
[The answering machine beeps.]
[Int. view, Terrance and Phillip�s living room. Terrance is still on the phone.]
TERRANCE: Hey, Scott! It�s Terrance! I forgot why I called. Oh! I know!
[He farts into the phone, laughs, and hangs up.]
PHILLIP: What did Scott have to say, Terrance?
TERRANCE: He wasn�t home. We�ll have to figure this out on our own, Phillip.
PHILLIP: Well, maybe we�ll think better on a full stomach. Let�s go to Karl�s Kroft Dinner Palace!
TERRANCE: Oh, yes! Let�s go to Karl�s Kroft Dinner Palace!
[Int. view, Karl�s Kroft Dinner Palace. There are a few customers inside. Some of them are wearing �I Hate Terrance & Phillip� shirts. All of them have a large �C� on their shirts as well. Terrance and Phillip go to order at the counter. The worker�s shirt has a large �E� on it. He also looks suspiciously like Scott.]
SCOTT: Welcome to Karl�s Kroft Dinner Palace. May I take your...Oh, my God!
PHILLIP: What is it, cash register man? Did you fart?
SCOTT: You�re Terrance and Phillip! You are evil and are shunned from this place! Leave now, O killers of Alan Thicke�s cat! And take your stinky farts with you!
TERRANCE: But we just want to have some Kroft Dinner!
[The people in the restaurant have been watching the whole scene. Many of the ones with the �I Hate Terrance & Phillip� shirts come forward.]
MAN: You heard him! Get out of this place now, you sons-of-bitches!
[Ext. view, Karl�s Kroft Dinner Palace. Terrance and Phillip are thrown through the front doors.]
TERRANCE: That cash register man sure was an asshole, Phillip!
PHILLIP: You�re right, Terrance. That Alan Thicke is making our lives nearly forfeit! What will we eat without Kroft Dinner?
TERRANCE: We�ll think of something, Phillip. Whilst we are on the ground, let�s search for treasure!
PHILLIP: Yes! Let�s search for treasure!
[The �searching for treasure� music plays. Scott, sans disguise, walks up to Terrance and Phillip.]
SCOTT: What the Hell are you two morons doing?
TERRANCE: We�re looking for treasure!
SCOTT: Why aren�t you dead yet...I mean, how are you guys?
PHILLIP: Wait! What was that, Scott?
SCOTT: Nothing. I have to go now. There are two imbeciles, whom I swear are not you two idiots, that I have to plot to destroy!
[Scott leaves.]
PHILLIP: Well, I guess we can forget aboot Scott helping us, Terrance!
TERRANCE: It looks that way, Phillip. It looks that way.
[Int. view, Scott war room. There is a red light flashing on his answering machine. Scott walks in.]
SCOTT: Those fools have no idea that with Alan Thicke�s power over the Canadian people and my cunning strategy, they will soon be dead forever! Oh, what�s this? I have a message!
[Scott hits the play button on the answering machine.]
ANSWERING MACHINE: You have...one...new...message.
[The answering machine beeps and begins playing the message.]
TERRANCE: (On the answering machine.) Hey, Scott! It�s Terrance! I forgot why I called. Oh! I know!
[There is the sound of Terrance farting into the phone, laughing, and a click.]
SCOTT: You son-of-a-bitch! I�ll kill both of you if I have to destroy all of Canada to do it! You�ll rue the day you telefarted me!
[Dramatic chord.]
[Ext. view, Terrance and Phillip�s house.]
PHILLIP: Terrance?
TERRANCE: Yes, Phillip?
PHILLIP: How are we ever going to be able to help with the Canadian National Thanksgiving Parade if we are hated by all?
TERRANCE: I don�t know, Phillip. Perhaps everyone will like us again on Thanksgiving?
[Phillip farts. They both laugh.]
TERRANCE: Ah! They�re not going to like us with farts like that, you smelly bastard!
[They continue laughing.]
TERRANCE: Say, Phillip? What are we going to do now?
PHILLIP: I don�t know, Terrance. Perhaps we could go back to Karl�s Kroft Dinner Palace.
TERRANCE: Oh, yes! Maybe now all the mean people will be gone and we can get some Kroft Dinner!
[Ext. view, Karl�s Kroft Dinner Palace. Terrance and Phillip are suddenly thrown out the front doors. Terrance is holding something in his hand.]
PHILLIP: Well, that didn�t seem to work, Terrance! They still hate us!
TERRANCE: They sure do, Phillip. I guess there�s only one thing to do now.
PHILLIP: Are you going to fart, Terrance?
TERRANCE: Not right now, chum. Whilst we were inside, I took this card with the owner�s number on it.
[He shows the card to Phillip.]
PHILLIP: Why, Terrance, this is a customer satisfaction card!
TERRANCE: That�s right, Phillip.
PHILLIP: You mean...?
TERRANCE: I�m afraid so, Phillip. I�m not satisfied!
[Dramatic chord.]
[Terrance farts and they both laugh.]
[Cut to commercial.]
[Ext. view, Terrance and Phillip�s house.]
[Int. view, Terrance and Phillip�s living room. Terrance is on the phone.]
TERRANCE: Say, Phillip? I can�t find that customer satisfaction card! Do you know where it might be?
[There is a fart off screen and the card floats into the scene and Terrance catches it. Terrance laughs.]
TERRANCE: Phillip! You farted the customer satisfaction card right to me!
PHILLIP: (Off screen.) I sure did, Terrance!
TERRANCE: Now there�s spatter all over the card!
[They both laugh. Terrance starts dialing the phone.]
[Ext. view, a house with the initials �AT� on it.]
[Int. view, a den. There is a high-backed chair turned away from the camera with a phone next to it and a lit fireplace in front of it. The phone rings. A hand reaches from the front of the chair and picks up the phone.]
MAN: Hello?
[Cut back to Terrance and Phillip�s house.]
TERRANCE: Hello! Is this the owner of Karl�s Kroft Dinner Palace?
MAN: (On the phone.) Yes, it is. How can I help you, sir?
TERRANCE: Well, my name is Terrance. My friend Phillip and I have been thrown out of your restaurant...um...How many times has it been Phillip?
[There are two farts from off screen. Terrance, Phillip, and the man on the phone all laugh.]
TERRANCE: That�s right! We�ve been thrown out twice today and we never even got to order our Kroft Dinner!
MAN: (On the phone.) You wouldn�t happen to be the Terrance and Phillip, would you?
[Terrance farts into the phone and the man laughs.]
[Cut back to the man�s living room.]
MAN: It is you! I�ll be glad to help!
[He turns his chair so that it faces the camera now.]
MAN: Just call me your pal Alex Trebek!
TERRANCE: (On the phone.) You mean the Alex Trebek!?
ALEX TREBEK: How�s this for an answer: No, no, I�m sorry, no.
TERRANCE: (On the phone.) Phillip! Alex Trebek owns Karl�s Kroft Dinner Palace!
PHILLIP: (In the background of the phone.) Tell him he�s a smelly bastard!
TERRANCE: Phillip says hello, Alex Trebek.
ALEX TREBEK: Listen, you say you were thrown out of Karl�s Kroft Dinner Palace?
TERRANCE: (On the phone.) That�s right, Alex Trebek.
[Cut back to Terrance on the phone.]
ALEX TREBEK: (On the phone.) You two are my best customers and still they have thrown you out of the restaurant. I am left with only one option: I must destroy Karl�s Kroft Dinner Palace and in three days raise it once more.
TERRANCE: Nooooo! Alex Trebek, you can�t do that! Phillip and I will starve for three days!
ALEX TREBEK: (On the phone.) I wonder what could possibly be causing my employees to act in such a manner. It would take a huge Canadian celebrity like Alan Thicke to get them that mad at you.
TERRANCE: Hmmm. I don�t know, Alex Trebek. I just don�t know.
ALEX TREBEK: (On the phone.) Well, don�t worry. I will fire all the staff at Karl�s Kroft Dinner Palace and hire all new people to take their place.
TERRANCE: Terrific, Alex Trebek! Phillip and I thank you!
[He hangs up the phone.]
PHILLIP: Well, Terrance? What did Alex Trebek say he would do?
TERRANCE: He said he�s going to put all of the workers at Karl�s Kroft Dinner Palace into a kiln and fire them, Phillip!
PHILLIP: That sounds like it might hurt, Terrance!
TERRANCE: It sure does, Phillip!
[Phillip lets out a huge fart. Part of the wall behind him gets a hole blown through it. Terrance and Phillip both laugh.]
PHILLIP: I don�t think it will hurt as bad as that did, Terrance!
[Ext. view, Karl�s Kroft Dinner Palace. Alex Trebek is standing outside and directing the employees into the back of a large truck with the words �Al�s Rehabilitation Clinic for Not Nice Employees.�]
ALEX TREBEK: There, that�s the last of them. Now, I must hire a new staff!
[Ext. view, Terrance and Phillip�s house.]
[Int. view, Terrance and Phillip�s living room. They are sitting on the couch, watching TV.]
TERRANCE: Say, Phillip, why don�t we see what kind of American programming we can get on the telly?
PHILLIP: All right, Terrance!
[Phillip starts flipping channels.]
PHILLIP: Oh! This looks like a good one, Terrance!
[Shot of the TV screen. It�s C-SPAN.]
TERRANCE: Um...Phillip?
PHILLIP: Yes, Terrance?
TERRANCE: This show is crap.
PHILLIP: You�re right, Terrance.
TERRANCE: Then why did you say this looks like a good one?
[Phillip farts and they both laugh.]
PHILLIP: That�s what I meant when I said it looks like a good one, Terrance!
[They laugh again and Phillip starts flipping channels again.]
TERRANCE: Stop here, Phillip!
[Shot of TV screen.]
[On the TV. Int. view, South Park Elementary auditorium stage. There are large, red curtains closed. The lights go out and a spotlight shines on the curtains. Stan walks out from behind the curtains.]
STAN: Ladies and Gentlemen, tonight, we present to you two of the finest entertainers in the world...
[Cartman bursts through the curtains with a sock on his hand.]
CARTMAN: Ta-daaa!
[There is silence except for the sound of crickets chirping.]
CARTMAN: (Dejectedly.) Eh...f*ck you.
[He walks off stage.]
STAN: As I was saying: Tonight we are proud to present two of the finest entertainers in the world: Terrance and Phillip!
[Cut to back stage. Kenny is untying a knot. He finally gets it untied and there is a sound like a pulley that needs oil. Kenny looks up, panics, and is splattered by a falling sandbag. His head comes through the curtains and lands at Stan�s feet.]
STAN: Oh, my God! They�ve killed Kenny!
KYLE: (From backstage.) You bastards!
[Cartman runs back on stage and accidentally kicks Kenny�s head into the lights above the stage. The screen goes black except for the kids� eyes.]
CARTMAN: Oops.
STAN: Goddammit! Just show the f*cking cartoon already!
[Cut back to Terrance and Phillip.]
PHILLIP: What were they talking aboot, Terrance?
TERRANCE: I don�t know, Phillip! These American children frighten me!
PHILLIP: Me, too, Terrance!
[Phillip changes the channel. Alan Thicke is on TV.]
ALAN THICKE: (On TV.) Good people of Canada, I come before you today with a heavy heart. You see, I have discovered a fiendish plot hatching in our beloved Canada!
[Gasps from the audience and Terrance and Phillip.]
ALAN THICKE: (On TV.) As you all know, tomorrow is the Canadian National Thanksgiving Parade. Unfortunately, there will be no balloons.
[Gasps from the audience and Terrance and Phillip.]
ALAN THICKE: (On TV.) There will be no balloons unless we stop Terrance and Phillip!
TERRANCE: What?
ALAN THICKE: (On TV.) Tonight, Terrance and Phillip are going to attempt to eat all the beans they can. When they have done this, they will then go to the secret warehouse...
[Shot of the secret warehouse on TV.]
ALAN THICKE: (On TV.) ...Where they will huff and puff and fart the warehouse down.
[Scene on the TV changes to a dramatization, with the word �DRAMATIZATION� in big white letters at the bottom of the screen. There is a house of cards set up on a table. A hand �walks� a picture of Terrance and Phillip into the scene.]
DRAMA TERRANCE: (On TV.) Hey, Phillip?
DRAMA PHILLIP: (On TV.) Yes, Terrance?
DRAMA TERRANCE: (On TV.) Let�s be naughty and knock this very important building over so that all those stupid Canadians can�t have their Canadian National Thanksgiving Parade!
DRAMA PHILLIP: (On TV.) Oh, yes! Let�s be evil!
[The hand holding the picture turns the picture so that the back of it is facing the house of cards. There are some grunting sounds followed by another hand swinging into the scene which knocks over the house of cards.]
DRAMA TERRANCE: (On TV.) We sure are evil, Phillip!
DRAMA PHILLIP: (On TV.) We sure are, Terrance. Say! Let�s go burn down an orphanage by lighting fire to our farts and farting at the orphanage!
[TV cuts back to Alan Thicke.]
ALAN THICKE: (On TV.) So, you see, good people of Canada, we must not let this happen! We must hunt down, kill, and horribly mutilate Terrance and Phillip or our Canadian National Thanksgiving Parade will be ruined for many years to come! Are you with me?
[The audience cheers. Cut back to Terrance and Phillip sitting on the couch. Terrance is cheering.]
TERRANCE: Kill Terrance and Phillip! Spill their blood! Stain the earth!
PHILLIP: Um, Terrance?
TERRANCE: Yes, Phillip?
PHILLIP: Why are you cheering?
TERRANCE: Because Alan Thicke has truly stirred my spirit, Phillip! We must find these Terrance and Phillip fellows and kill them for the glory of Canada!
PHILLIP: But we�re Terrance and Phillip, Terrance.
TERRANCE: We are?
[Cut back to Alan Thicke on TV.]
ALAN THICKE: (On TV.) Well, that�s all the time we have for today. Remember, I�m Alan Thicke. Help keep the pet population under control, have Terrance and Phillip spayed or neutered.
[Alan Thicke starts singing �O, Canada.� The audience and Terrance and Phillip join in.]
[Ext. view, Karl�s Kroft Dinner Palace. Alex Trebek is sitting at a table outside with a banner on it that reads: �Karl�s Kroft Dinner Palace Now Hiring.� It�s obvious that nobody is coming around there.]
ALEX TREBEK: (Sighing.) I knew I should have been a restaurateur instead of a game show host.
[Cut to commercial.]
[Ext. view, Scott�s house.]
[Int. view, Scott�s war room. Scott is sitting at his desk looking at a magazine called �Beans Monthly.� The telephone rings.]
SCOTT: Aaahhh!
[He falls backwards out of his chair. He stands up and answers the phone.]
SCOTT: (Trying to sound like a woman.) Hello, Scott from Canada�s house. Just a moment please.
[He puts the phone down for a second and picks it back up.]
SCOTT: Hello? Yes, this is Scott from Canada. What? Oh, that�s just my secretary. Yes, I�ve always had a secretary! What was I doing? I can assure you that I was not reading �Beans Monthly� because I have a fascination with farts that I am ashamed of and, therefore, and put a front that I hate farting! How did your show go today? Excellent! One more show like that and the Canadian people will kill Terrance and Phillip on sight and I will no longer have to be jealous of their fart expertise...I mean, I will no longer have to endure them and their immature fart humor! Yes, continue with the plan. Scott out.
[He hangs up the phone.]
SCOTT: This is the endgame, Terrance and Phillip! I�ve got you now, you fart-loving fart-lovers!
[Ext. view, Canadian police station.]
[Int. view, Canadian police station crime lab. There are a few scientist-type people contaminating evidence and such.]
SCIENTIST #1: Hey, you guys? Guess who I am!
[Put pulls a ski mask out of a plastic bag and puts it on.]
SCIENTIST #1: Grrr. Give me all of your money!
[All the scientists burst into laughter.]
SCIENTIST #2: Wait, wait! Look at this!
[He opens a package of �pop rocks� and empties it into a vial labeled �Blood Evidence.� The whole thing fizzes out onto the floor in a bloody foam mess. All the scientist laugh again.]
SCIENTIST #3: Hey! I�ve got something here!
[All the other scientists look in expectation of the really funny thing Scientist #3 is going to do.]
SCIENTIST #3: I�ve discovered whom the real murderer in the Dr. Jeffrey O�Dwyer case is!
[The other scientists let out a disappointed groan.]
[Ext. view, Terrance and Phillip�s house.]
PHILLIP: Say, Terrance?
[Int. view, Terrance and Phillip�s living room. Phillip is sitting on the couch.]
TERRANCE: (Off screen.) Coming, Phillip!
[There is the sound of a toilet flushing and Terrance enters the scene.]
TERRANCE: What is it, Phillip? Did you fart?
PHILLIP: No, not that...
[Phillip farts and they both laugh.]
PHILLIP: Yes, now I have farted, Terrance!
TERRANCE: You sure did, Phillip!
[Terrance�s face starts turning green.]
TERRANCE: My God, Phillip! That fart sure did stink! What ever did you eat to cause your farts to be so smelly?
PHILLIP: I ate those cans of beans over there, Terrance!
[Phillip points off screen. The camera pans over to the empty cans of beans. It zooms in to show that the beans are several years expired. Like forty years expired.]
TERRANCE: Um...Phillip?
PHILLIP: Yes, Terrance?
TERRANCE: I don�t think you�re supposed to eat the beans after the date on the can!
PHILLIP: Really? I always thought that was when it was safe to eat the beans!
[Terrance leans off screen and throws up.]
PHILLIP: Say, Terrance! You just farted backwards!
[Terrance leans back into frame. He now has chunks of stuff around his mouth.]
TERRANCE: I certainly did, didn�t I?
[They both laugh.]
PHILLIP: Oh, Terrance, I am ever so hungry. Why don�t we go to Karl Kroft Dinner Palace?
TERRANCE: Oh, yes! Let�s go to Karl�s Kroft Dinner Palace! Now that Alex Trebek has fired all his naughty employees, we�ll be sure to get some Kroft Dinner!
PHILLIP: Indeed, Terrance!
TERRANCE: Phillip?
PHILLIP: Yes, Terrance?
TERRANCE: It truly is wonderful to live in a country as great as Canada where one can get Kroft Dinner at all times of the day!
PHILLIP: It truly is, Terrance!
[They start singing �O, Canada.�]
[Ext. view, Karl�s Kroft Dinner Palace. Terrance and Phillip are walking up the sidewalk. They come to the front door.]
TERRANCE: After you, old chum!
PHILLIP: Thank you, Terrance!
[Terrance farts the door open. They both laugh and enter.]
[Int. view, Karl�s Kroft Dinner Palace. The place is completely devoid of any customers. Alex Trebek is standing behind the counter wearing a Karl�s Kroft Dinner Palace uniform.]
TERRANCE: Oh, My Kroft Dinner! What are you doing here, Alex Trebek!?
ALEX TREBEK: I haven�t been able to hire any new workers because every time I interview them for a job and they get an answer wrong I go: �No. No, I�m sorry. Everybody knows the answer is �socks�� and they walk out and tell everyone else in line. So, now I am forced to work here to keep Karl�s Kroft Dinner Palace from going out of business!
PHILLIP: That certainly does suck, Alex Trebek!
ALEX TREBEK: You said it, Phillip. What can I get for you guys?
TERRANCE: We would like two Kroft Dinners, please, Alex Trebek!
ALEX TREBEK: Coming right up!
[Alex Trebek disappears into the back of the store. Terrance and Phillip are just standing there.]
TERRANCE: Say, Phillip, I have an idea!
PHILLIP: Do you want to fart, Terrance?
TERRANCE: No, not right now. Let�s look for treasure!
PHILLIP: Oh, yes! Let�s look for treasure!
[The �searching for treasure� music comes on as Terrance and Phillip start scouring the floor of Karl�s Kroft Dinner Palace for treasure.]
PHILLIP: Oh, My God! Terrance! Come quick! See what I have found!
[Terrance squirms over to Phillip like a worm.]
PHILLIP: Um, Terrance?
TERRANCE: Yes, Phillip?
PHILLIP: What are you doing?
TERRANCE: I�m pretending to be a worm!
PHILLIP: Terrance?
TERRANCE: Yes, Phillip?
PHILLIP: Terrance, why are you pretending to be a worm?
TERRANCE: I don�t know, Phillip! It just seemed like the thing to do!
PHILLIP: Oh. Look here! I have found some left over Kroft Dinner!
[Phillip points to a festering plate of Kroft Dinner underneath a table.]
TERRANCE: Oh! My I please eat the decaying food, Phillip! I am trying to be worm, after all!
PHILLIP: Oh, Terrance! You have always been a true friend to me! Yes. Take the rotting Kroft Dinner in good health, chum!
TERRANCE: Oh, glorious day!
[Terrance sticks his face in the rotting Kroft Dinner and starts eating away.]
ALEX TREBEK: (Off screen.) Hey, you guys! Your Kroft Dinner is ready!
[Phillip goes to the counter, leaving Terrance on the floor with his festering Kroft Dinner.]
ALEX TREBEK: Here you go, Phillip. Say, what�s Terrance doing down there?
PHILLIP: We were searching for treasure and I found some old Kroft Dinner and Terrance is pretending to be a worm and eating it, Alex Trebek!
[There is an uncomfortable silence for a few seconds.]
ALEX TREBEK: Oh. Say, would you guys like for me to turn on the telly?
TERRANCE: That would be terrific, Alex Trebek!
[Alex Trebek gets a remote control out from behind the counter and points it at a TV mounted on the ceiling and pointing into the dining area. Terrance and Phillip take their Kroft Dinner and sit down. Alex Trebek turns on the TV. Alan Thicke is on.]
ALAN THICKE: (On TV.) Friends, we are headed for a crisis of Biblical proportions! I happen to know that, at this very minute, Terrance and Phillip are out to ruin the Canadian National Thanksgiving Parade!
[Gasps from the audience.]
ALAN THICKE: (On TV.) That�s right! This cannot go on any longer! Canada can no longer tolerate such wantonly destructive and immature behavior! We must take action! Are you with me?
AUDIENCE: (On TV.) YES!
ALAN THICKE: (On TV.) I said, �Are you with me?�
AUDIENCE: (On TV.) YES!!
ALAN THICKE: (On TV.) Excellent! Now, I don�t want us to rush into a situation where Terrance and Phillip kill us all and eat our flesh from off of our very bones. This can, does, and has happened before when people have tried to stop them!
[The audience gasps.}
ALAN THICKE: (On TV.) So that we shall be prepared for the evil they have in mind, on of my camera crews volunteered risk their lives and follow Terrance and Phillip. Let�s see what they�re doing now!
[The scene on the TV changes to an obviously prerecorded �skit.� Scott and Alan Thicke are dressed up like Terrance and Phillip at the Canadian National Thanksgiving Parade secret warehouse.]
SCOTT: (On TV.) Um...Say...Terrance? Why don�t we...uh...oh, Goddammit! Line!
VOICE: (On TV, off screen.) �Why don�t we break the hot air machine for the balloons so there can be no Canadian National Thanksgiving Parade.�
SCOTT: (On TV.) Oh, right! Thanks, Marty. Why don�t we break the hot air machine for the balloons so there can be no Canadian National Thanksgiving Parade?
ALAN THICKE: (On TV.) That...sounds...terr...terrif...terrific, Scott, I mean, Phillip! Let�s break the hot Airedale machine so there...
DIRECTOR: (On TV, off screen.) No no no no no! You two are the worst actors I�ve ever worked with!
[The director walks into the camera shot.]
DIRECTOR: (On TV.) How many times do we have run through this!? If you f*ckers don�t get it right this time, I�m leaving and you can do you dumb-ass propaganda film yourselves! Got it!?
SCOTT AND ALAN THICKE: (On TV.) Yes, sir.
DIRECTOR: (On TV.) OK, people, let�s try it again!
[He walks out of the scene.]
DIRECTOR: (On TV, off screen.) Take it from where you f*cked it up last time, Alan Thicke!
ALAN THICKE: (On TV.) Let�s break their hot air machine so there will be no balloons for the Canadian National Thanksgiving Parade!
[Someone off screen hands Scott a sledgehammer.]
SCOTT: (On TV.) Oh, look...I have found...a sledgehammer?
[He breaks the door to the secret warehouse down.]
ALAN THICKE: (On TV.) Phillip, why...didn�t you...fart the door...down?
SCOTT: (On TV.) That�s how...I�m going to...break their hot...air mach...ine so there can be no...balloons for the...Canadian National...Thanksgiving...Parade!
ALAN THICKE: (On TV.) Fantastic...idea, Phillip?
[Scott smashes the hot air machine with the sledgehammer.]
ALAN THICKE: (On TV.) Boy...Phillip...that sure was a...big...fart?
SCOTT: (On TV.) Yes! We sure are evil...Terrance?
ALAN THICKE: (On TV.) We sure are...Phillip?
[They both start laughing evilly.]
DIRECTOR: (On TV, off screen.) Cut!
[Scott and Alan Thicke stop laughing. The scene fades to black and �This has been a Scott from Canada and Alan Thicke Production� fades in in large white letters. The scene goes back to Alan Thicke�s TV show.]
ALAN THICKE: (On TV.) So you see, my fellow Canadians, we must go forth and kill Terrance and Phillip many times for what they have done to the Canadian National Thanksgiving Parade! They shall not go unpunished for their crimes against us! Well, that�s all the time we have for today. So, remember, help keep the pet population down, have any insects, tricycles, and old people you see spayed or neutered!
[Alan Thicke starts singing �O, Canada.� Scott, still wearing his Phillip costume, the Toronto Blue Jays, the Edmonton Oilers, Wayne Gretsky, and Wink Martindale also come in and sing with him. A large banner with sparklers on the sides, which reads: �Kill The Fart-Lovers,� rises up behind them.]
[Alex Trebek turns off the TV. Terrance and Phillip seem to just sit in stunned silence.]
PHILLIP: I wonder what ever they could mean, Terrance?
TERRANCE: Yes! I was left rather confused by their message! Say, Phillip?
PHILLIP: Yes, Terrance?
TERRANCE: Why did you fart on the hot air machine so there could be no balloons for the Canadian National Thanksgiving Parade?
PHILLIP: I don�t know, Terrance! I don�t remember doing that!
TERRANCE: Perhaps you were sleepwalking again?
PHILLIP: You mean sleepfarting again!
[Terrance and Phillip erupt into laughter.]
[Int. view, Scott�s war room. Scott is sitting at his desk, wearing a bean costume. The phone rings and he answers it.]
SCOTT: Hello? Yes, this is Scott from Canada. Oh, hello, Alan Thicke. No. What secretary? I�ve never had a secretary...and I�m not currently dressed like a bean, despite my hatred for Terrance and Phillip and their bean-loving ways, either! Yes, I agree! The show today surely will have the Canadian people outraged and wanting to kill Terrance and Phillip! What? Oh, yes, and their pets, too. Yes. All right, I�ll see you there! Scott out.
[He hangs up the phone.]
SCOTT: Tomorrow morning you will be mashed into paste and served upon crackers as pat� at my Thanksgiving Victory Dinner, Terrance and Phillip!
[Dramatic chord and reverb.]
[Ext. view, Alex Trebek�s house.]
[Int. view, Alex Trebek�s living room. The whole thing is set up to look like the set of Jeopardy, complete with podiums for guests. Terrance and Phillip are behind two of the podiums, with their names written on the monitors in front, and Alex Trebek is at his podium a few feet away.]
TERRANCE: It sure was good of you to let us stay here over night, Alex Trebek!
PHILLIP: Yes! If it weren�t for you, all the other Canadian citizens would have killed us!
ALEX TREBEK: Well, I know that you guys didn�t break the hot air machine so that there will no balloons for the Canadian National Thanksgiving Parade. That, and you�re my best customers.
PHILLIP: How do you know that we didn�t break the hot air machine so that there will be no balloons for the Canadian National Thanksgiving Parade?
ALEX TREBEK: Well, I figure that since you were at Karl�s Kroft Dinner Palace when it happened, then you couldn�t have done it.
TERRANCE: Say! I think he may be right, Phillip!
PHILLIP: Oh, Alex Trebek, you truly are the smartest Canadian of them all!
TERRANCE: So, what do we do now, Alex Trebek?
ALEX TREBEK: Well, for now we should probably just hold out here and let things cool down a little.
TERRANCE: But, Alex Trebek, we are supposed to help with the balloons for the Canadian National Thanksgiving Parade tomorrow morning!
PHILLIP: Yes, without our help, there may be no balloons for the Canadian National Thanksgiving Parade!
ALEX TREBEK: Everybody out there thinks that you two broke the hot air machine so that there will be no balloons for the Canadian National Thanksgiving Parade! If you go there, they�ll all kill you several times each!
TERRANCE: Wait! I�ve got it!
PHILLIP: What have you got, Terrance; a fart?
TERRANCE: Not right now, but I will later!
PHILLIP: What is it then, Terrance?
TERRANCE: I think I might have an idea!
[Terrance farts. Terrance, Phillip, and Alex Trebek all laugh.]
TERRANCE: No, it was a fart all along!
ALEX TREBEK: So, what now?
[There is a loud gurgling sound coming from Phillip. He lets out a long, long fart that lasts for about a minute. Everybody laughs the whole time.]
TERRANCE: My Kroft Dinner, Phillip! What did you eat that made you fart for so long?
PHILLIP: It must have been those cans of beans we had at home, Terrance!
ALEX TREBEK: What cans of beans?
TERRANCE: Phillip ate some 40-year-old beans yesterday!
ALEX TREBEK: That�s it!
PHILLIP: That�s what, Alex Trebek?
TERRANCE: Did you fart?
ALEX TREBEK: No, it�s nothing like that. I have a huge stockpile of expired beans in my basement! If you guys eat enough of those beans, you won�t need the hot air machine for the balloons at the Canadian National Thanksgiving Parade!
TERRANCE: Terrific idea, Alex Trebek! But how will we get past all the people?
ALEX TREBEK: Leave that to me! Just get down there and start eating all the beans you can!
[Ext. view, Main Street Canada. There are people lined up all along the sidewalks, many of them wearing �I H8 T&P� shirts and carrying weapons one kind or another. Alex Trebek walks into the middle of the street with a megaphone.]
ALEX TREBEK: (Through the megaphone.) Friends, Romans, Canadians, look over there!
[He points off in some direction. All the people look. While they are looking, Alex Trebek waves Terrance and Phillip to go on by. Terrance and Phillip stop and look, too.]
TERRANCE: What do you suppose everybody is looking at, Phillip?
PHILLIP: Maybe they�re all looking at that bean-shaped cloud, Terrance!
TERRANCE: Hey! That cloud looks like Barky and Purry farting on each other!
[Terrance and Phillip laugh.]
ALEX TREBEK: (Through the megaphone.) You guys aren�t supposed to be looking! Get to the secret warehouse!
[The crowd all turn and look at Terrance and Phillip.]
ALEX TREBEK: (Through the megaphone.) Oh, f*ck.
MAN: It�s Terrance and Phillip!
WOMAN: Get them!
[Terrance, Phillip, and Alex Trebek all run as the enormous mob chases them to the secret warehouse. They get inside and Alex Trebek barricades the door.]
ALEX TREBEK: You guys start filling those balloons up! I�ll hold them here!
TERRANCE: But, Alex Trebek!
ALEX TREBEK: Do it! I�ll be all right; I�m a Canadian celebrity!
PHILLIP: God bless you, Alex Trebek!
[Terrance and Phillip start getting out balloons.]
TERRANCE: Ready, Phillip?
PHILLIP: Ready, Terrance!
[They each grab all the air intake valves for balloons that they can and start farting into them. The balloons start to fill up and rise.]
TERRANCE: We�ve done it, Alex Trebek!
PHILLIP: Come and see the fruit of our farts!
[Alex Trebek runs into the room. The mob follows him in.]
MAN: They�ve blown up the balloons!
WOMAN: Why?
TERRANCE: To show you that we were innocent.
PHILLIP: We would never try to destroy the hot air machine so that there couldn�t be any balloons for the Canadian National Thanksgiving Parade! Especially since we were asked to help with them to start!
ALEX TREBEK: Now, let�s all go and have the best f*cking Canadian National Thanksgiving Parade this country has ever seen!
[Everyone cheers. People start attaching the balloons to cars inside the warehouse for the parade and driving out.]
[Ext. view, Main Street Canada. There is a huge parade going on, complete with balloons. The crowd is carrying Terrance and Phillip on their shoulders.]
TERRANCE: It looks like we�ve saved the day, Phillip!
PHILLIP: It sure does, Terrance! But I can�t help but wonder what ever became of that smelly Alan Thicke person that tried to get us killed?
[The crowd sets Terrance and Phillip down at the Grand Marshall�s stand. The Grand Marshall is abnormally tall and wobbly.]
GRAND MARSHALL: Terrance and Phillip, in recognition for your efforts, I, on behalf of the great nation of Canada would like to...kill you!
[The Grand Marshal pulls off a mask and opens his coat to reveal that he is Scott sitting on Alan Thicke�s shoulders. The crowd gasps.]
TERRANCE: Hey, Scott!
PHILLIP: Say, Terrance? Isn�t that that smelly Alan Thicke?
TERRANCE: I think you�re right, Phillip! Scott, why are you with Alan Thicke?
SCOTT: Because we had you framed for breaking the hot air machine so that there could be no balloons for the Canadian National Thanksgiving Parade! We�ve been working together the whole time, you fart-loving bastards!
ALAN THICKE: And now it�s time for you do die!
PHILLIP: But why, Scott?
SCOTT: I knew that the Canadian people wouldn�t ever try to kill you without a good reason, so Alan Thicke and I devised a plan whereby we would make all of Canada think that you were committing atrocities against innocent people all around Canada! Alan Thicke would tell everyone aboot it on the telly and your infamy would spread like wildfire across Canada! Then, we destroyed the hot air machine so that there couldn�t be any balloons for the Canadian National Thanksgiving Parade and blame it all on you! Ahahahahahahhahahahhahaha!
TERRANCE: You are such a dick, Scott!
SCOTT: You�re a dick!
TERRANCE: You�re a dick!
SCOTT: You�re a dick!
TERRANCE: You�re a dick!
SCOTT: You�re a dick!
[There is a pause.]
TERRANCE: You�re a dick!
SCOTT: You are the biggest dick in all of Canada and I would frame you again if I had the chance!
ALEX TREBEK: (Off screen.) There they are, officer!
[Alex Trebek, a cop, and Scientist #3 all come into the scene.]
ALAN THICKE: What�s all this aboot?
SCIENTIST #3: Let me explain. You see, I have been working feverishly on the Dr. Jeffrey O�Dwyer case for several months. Recently, I came to a startling conclusion.
SCOTT: We all know that it was Terrance who killed him, lab man!
SCIENTIST #3: I was never totally convinced of that, so I did more work into the case. It turns out that the piece of shirt was Terrance�s...
SCOTT: I told you!
SCIENTIST #3: ...But it did not have any of his DNA on it anywhere. No skin, no hair, nothing. What it did have was samples of Scott�s skin and hair.
SCOTT: I...uh...how did those get there?
SCIENTIST #3: On examining the haiku that Terrance supposedly wrote, I discovered that the handwriting in no way matches Terrance�s. It does, however, match Scott�s exactly.
SCOTT: What are you trying to say!?
SCIENTIST #3: I�m saying that you are the murderer of Dr. Jeffrey O�Dwyer! J�ai accuse, Scott!
SCOTT: Never! I�ll kill Terrance and Phillip first!
[Scott and Alan Thicke reach out towards Terrance and Phillip and wave their hands at them.]
ALEX TREBEK: What are you doing?
ALAN THICKE: We�re trying to give them cancer!
ALEX TREBEK: Cancer?
SCOTT: Yes! Cancer of the head!
ALEX TREBEK: Head cancer!? Noooo!
[Alex Trebek lunges at Scott and Alan Thicke, knocking them to the ground. The cop puts handcuffs on them.]
COP: Alan Thicke, you are under arrest for conspiracy to make a Canadian National Thanksgiving Parade suck and conspiracy to commit acts of mayhem! Scott from Canada, you are under arrest for the murder of Dr. Jeffrey O�Dwyer and all that other stuff. You have the right to get the sh*t beaten out of you, you have the right to cable TV, you have the right to...
TERRANCE: Alex Trebek, you saved us!
ALEX TREBEK: Well, I can�t let my best customers just die of head cancer.
PHILLIP: This has been a most wonderful Canadian National Thanksgiving, Terrance!
TERRANCE: It sure has, Phillip! And it could have only happened in Canada!
ALEX TREBEK: To Canada, Terrance!
TERRANCE: To Canada, Alex Trebek! To Canada, Phillip!
PHILLIP: To Canada, Terrance! To Canada, Alex Trebek!
ALEX TREBEK: To Canada, Phillip!
[They start to sing �O, Canada.� The crowd joins along with the Toronto Blue Jays, the Edmonton Oilers, Wayne Gretsky, and Wink Martindale. Wayne Gretsky cuts Wink Martindale�s head off with his hockey stick on accident. The camera pans back to show all of Canada singing along.]
[End song and credits.]
Kenny�s Bitch By Mr. Dead
[Warnings, song, and titles.]
[Ext. view, the bus stop. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman are there.]
KYLE: Did you guys see Terrance and Phillip last night?
STAN: Yeah! It kicked ass! Except I wish Cartoon Central would stop showing reruns and get some new shows on.
CARTMAN: Yeah, those guys that, like, thought that show up are a couple o' lazy assholes!
KYLE: Hey, where�s Kenny?
STAN: I don�t know; I haven�t seen him for a few days.
KYLE: Do you guys think he�s OK?
CARTMAN: Heh heh. His dad probably sold him to buy more booze.
[The kids laugh. Kenny walks up. He has his eyes half-closed and there are little flashes and hearts around his head.]
STAN, KYLE, AND CARTMAN: Hey, Kenny.
KYLE: Where were you, Kenny? Cartman was just making fun of your family again.
[Kenny is just standing there with what would be stupid grin on his face.]
KYLE: Kenny?
[No change.]
KYLE: Kenny!?
[No change.]
CARTMAN: Goddammit, you poor son-of-a-bitch! You will answer when you are spoken to!
[Cartman punches Kenny in the face. No change.]
STAN: Damn, man! What the Hell is wrong with him?
KYLE: Dude! I know what this is!
STAN: You do?
KYLE: Yeah! That the same look you get when you see Wendy Testaburger from far away!
STAN: You mean Kenny�s in love!?
KYLE: I think so.
CARTMAN: Heh heh. Yeah. He�s in love with your little, hippie girlfriend, Stan!
STAN: F*ck you, fat-ass! She is not my girlfriend!
CARTMAN: Ay! Cartman 3:16 says Ah will kick you in the nuts!
STAN: Cartman 3:16? What the Hell is that!?
KYLE: Nothing. Lard-ass has been watching wrestling again.
STAN: Oh.
CARTMAN: You will shut up and that�s the bottom line, son! You guys, Ah know what�s wrong with Kenny.
[There is silence. Cartman is getting very impatient waiting for someone to ask him what he thinks is wrong with Kenny.]
CARTMAN: Goddammit! Somebody ask me what�s wrong with him!
STAN: Oh, all right. (Mechanically.) Cartman, what do you think is wrong with Kenny?
CARTMAN: Well, Ah was watching this movie the other day and it had all these animals that could talk in it, right? Well, whenever one of them fell in love, this little skunk would say they were twitterpated and that�s what wrong with Kenny.
[Stan and Kyle start laughing at Cartman.]
CARTMAN: What the f*ck is so f*ckin� funny!?
STAN: You were watching Bambi!
[Stan falls over from laughing so hard.]
CARTMAN: Mah mom said that was how she wanted me to learn about the birds and the bees!
KYLE: (Laughing.) Why? Doesn�t she have enough magazines at your house to share?
[There are tears rolling down Kyle�s face from laughing so hard.]
CARTMAN: Weak!
[The bus pulls up and the kids start to get on board except for Kenny who is still just standing there with that stupid grin on his face.]
STAN: Come on, Kenny!
[Kenny doesn�t move.]
STAN: Goddammit! Kyle, give me a hand with Kenny!
[Kyle and Stan each grab one of Kenny�s feet and drag him onto the bus, hitting his head on every step. Kenny�s expression never changes.]
[Int. view, the bus. Stan and Kenny stick Kenny in a seat and take their usual seat in back.]
STAN: Dude, this is more serious than I thought!
KYLE: Yeah! We better see if we can find someone at school to help us!
[Ext. view, South Park Elementary.]
[Int. view, Mr. Garrison�s classroom.]
MR. GARRISON: And now, class, our friend, Mr. Hat is going to tell us all about the wonders of fire safety.
MR. HAT: That�s right, Mr. Garrison. Fire is mankind�s oldest and most dangerous enemy. It was first captured when Marco Polo joined the Seattle Seahawks in 1237. After that, it took a holiday in Denmark where it met its future in-laws, the Johnson family from Copenhagen....
STAN: (To Kyle.) Dude, we have to see if Kenny is in love with Wendy!
CARTMAN: Why, Stan? Are you afraid of a little competition for your hippie girlfriend?
STAN: She�s not my girlfriend, fat-ass!
CARTMAN: Ay! Ah don�t hafta take that kind of sh*t from some asshole with a gay homosexual dog! Screw you guys, Ah�m goin� home.
[Cartman gets up and starts to leave.]
MR. GARRISON: Eric, where do you think you�re going?
CARTMAN: (Pointing at Stan, Kyle, and Kenny.) Ah ain�t gonna sit with those assholes no more! Screw you guys, Ah�m goin� home.
MR. GARRISON: Eric, sit your fat ass down and shut up!
CARTMAN: But Ah don� wanna!
MR. HAT: You sit down right now, you little f*cker, before I kill everyone in this room!
CARTMAN: (Under his breath.) Weak.
[Cartman sits back down.]
MR. GARRISON: Now, if there aren�t any more interruptions, Mr. Hat can continue his lecture.
[Mr. Hat continues his lecture in the background.]
STAN: Hey, Wendy, could you do me a favor?
WENDY: What�s up, Stan?
STAN: I...um...I need you to talk to Kenny.
WENDY: Why?
KYLE: Well, Kenny looks just like Stan does when he sees you from far away so we think he might be in love.
WENDY: What!?
STAN: Dude! Just say hi or something!
WENDY: Oh, all right. (To Kenny.) Hi, Kenny.
[Kenny doesn�t do anything. He still just sitting there with his eyes half shut and little hearts and flashes around his head.]
KYLE: Well that proves it. Kenny�s in love but it�s not with Wendy.
STAN: How do you know that?
KYLE: Simple. Every time Wendy talks to you like that, you barf.
STAN: Oh, yeah!
CARTMAN: So, who�s Kenny in love with, then?
KYLE: Well...I don�t know.
STAN: Then there�s only one way to find out!
[Film montage of all the girls in the class saying hi to Kenny. Stan and Kyle are wearing white lab coats and holding clipboards, taking notes. Some of that corny 1950s �science film music� is playing the whole time. Cartman is busy emptying bag after bag of Cheesy Poofs. Kyle and Stan compare notes and shake their heads.]
KYLE: Dammit! There�s no one left!
STAN: Well, there�s one more thing we can do.
CARTMAN: Ah thought you said that last thing was the last thing we could do?
STAN: No one asked you, nostril-f*cker!
[Int. view, South Park Elementary cafeteria. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman walk up to the end of the line for lunch, dragging Kenny, who still has all the little hearts and flashes around his head, behind them. Cartman is sweating.]
CARTMAN: Goddamn, Kenny�s heavy. Ah don�t think Ah have ever worked this hard in my life, you guys, seriously.
STAN: Jesus, Cartman! You�re only carrying part of him! How hard could this be!?
CARTMAN: Ay! You Whities have oppressed mah people long enough!
KYLE: What the Hell are you talking about!?
CARTMAN: Mah black people have been held down in this country for over 400 years and we ain�t gonna take this bullsh*t no more, Goddammit!
STAN: But, Cartman, you�re white.
CARTMAN: Ah am not listening to you, Whitey!
[The line moves up a few people.]
KYLE: Well, let�s get up there. Cartman, grab Kenny.
CARTMAN: (Sarcastically.) Oh, yes, Massa! Ah carries him real good, Massa!
[Cartman starts singing �Swing Low Sweet Chariot� as he drags Kenny behind him.]
KYLE: So what are we doing?
[Cartman is singing in the background.]
STAN: Dude, Chef knows more about love than anyone we know, right?
[Cartman is still singing in the background.]
KYLE: Right.
[Cartman is still singing in the background.]
STAN: So, we�ll ask him to help us with Kenny!
[Cartman is singing in the background.]
KYLE: Goddammit! Will you shut up already, Cartman!?
[The line moves up to where Chef is.]
CHEF: Hello, children!
STAN, KYLE, AND CARTMAN: Hey, Chef!
CHEF: And how are my little whitebreads today?
STAN: Bad.
CHEF: Why bad?
KYLE: We think Kenny�s in love; he won�t do anything but just sit there and look all weird.
CARTMAN: Ah think he�s twitterpated.
CHEF: You mean like in �Bambi?�
CARTMAN: Yeah that�s it!
CHEF: Were you over at Kyle�s house when his brother was watching it?
CARTMAN: No, Ah saw it at mah house. Mah mom wanted me to watch it so Ah could learn how the birds and bees get each other pregnant.
CHEF: Say what?
CARTMAN: Yeah! Every time some animals would fall in love, they�d get these little hearts around them and they�d fall all over the place and this skunk would say they were twitterpated!
STAN: Yeah! And then Bambi�s mom got shot!
CARTMAN: She WHAT!?
CHEF: So, you were actually just watching �Bambi� at home?
CARTMAN: Yeah?
[Chef starts laughing and falls behind the lunch counter, knocking a big spoonful of peas into the air.]
STAN: Chef! We really need your help!
[Chef gets up from behind the counter and wipes a tear from his eye.]
CHEF: All right, children. What can I do for you?
KYLE: We checked with every girl in our class and Kenny�s not in love with any of them!
CHEF: Uh-huh.
STAN: So we need to know who else there could be to check!
CHEF: Hmm. Well, I�m not Sherlock Holmes, children, but there is that new girl in school.
KYLE: What new girl?
CHEF: She just moved here this weekend and today is her first day. I think Principal Victoria and Mr. Mackey were showing her around the school earlier today.
STAN: Do you know where she is now?
CHEF: Oh, children, that�s easy. She�s just over there.
[Chef points off screen. The camera zips off in the direction he pointed to show a girl who looks a lot like Kenny except that she is wearing a purple and pink parka and hood and she has blond pigtails sticking out of her hood.]
[Cut back to Chef and the kids.]
KYLE: What�s her name?
CHEF: I think it�s Kelly McGuire.
STAN: Killer! Thanks, Chef!
[Stan and Kyle walk off screen.]
CHEF: (To Stan and Kyle.) Wait, children! I have a song for this! I...oh, forget it.
CARTMAN: Ah wanna hear your song, Chef!
CHEF: That�s nice, children. Now get your food and go sit your fat ass down.
CARTMAN: Ay!
[Cut to Stan and Kyle. They are walking toward Kelly.]
STAN: Dude, this is weird.
KYLE: Totally! She could almost be Kenny�s twin sister!
[They stop dead in their tracks.]
STAN AND KYLE: Ew.
[They walk up to Kelly.]
STAN: Uh...Kelly? My name�s Stan and this is Kyle.
KYLE: Hi.
KELLY: Mmnm.
STAN: We were wondering if you�d do us a favor?
KELLY: Nmmn?
KYLE: (Points to Kenny.) See, that�s our friend, Kenny. We...uh...we think he may have...um...fallen in love with you.
KELLY: Mnmm nmm?
STAN: Yeah, but we don�t know for sure. Could you just go up and say hi to him?
KELLY: Mnmm.
[Kelly walks over to Kenny.]
KELLY: Mnmmn, Mmnmn.
[Kenny barfs but nothing comes out of his hood. Instead, a puddle starts forming at his feet. Stan and Kyle walk back to Cartman.]
STAN: That�s it!
KYLE: Dude! We did it! We found the girl Kenny�s in love with!
CARTMAN: Rock the Casbah! We know who Kenny twitterpated Kenny!
[Stan and Kyle stare at Cartman.]
CARTMAN: What?
STAN: Goddamn, Cartman! Can�t you say anything that�s not so f*cking lame!?
CARTMAN: Ay! You can just kiss mah black ass!
[Cut to commercial.]
[Ext. view, Stan�s house at night. Stan�s parents are on the front steps while Stan is standing just inside the door, which is open.]
MRS. MARSH: Now, Stanley, you boys behave and don�t get into any trouble while were at the movies.
STAN: I won�t, Mom.
MR. MARSH: Here, Stan.
[Stan�s dad hands Stan $20 bucks.]
MR. MARSH: Order some pizza or something for dinner.
STAN: Dude! Cartman�s here! Twenty bucks isn�t going to be enough money for pizza if he�s eating too!
MRS. MARSH: We�d better go or we�ll miss the music and those movie trivia things before the movie!
MR. MARSH: See you later, Stan!
[Stan�s parents get into the car and back out into the street. Mrs. Marsh sticks her head out the window.]
MRS. MARSH: And remember, Stanley, don�t watch that awful Terrance and Phillip, all right?
STAN: OK, Mom.
[Mrs. Marsh sticks her head back in the car and they leave. Stan goes inside and closes the door.]
[Int. view, Stan�s living room. Kyle and Cartman are sitting on the couch.]
CARTMAN: (Acting like Stan�s mom.) Don�t watch that awful Terrance and Phillip, Stanley! Bwahahahahahahahaha!
KYLE: That sucks that your mom says we can�t watch Terrance and Phillip, Dude.
STAN: I know.
KYLE: So, what are we going to watch now?
CARTMAN: We could watch �Working!� That show is coo�!
KYLE: Cartman! That show couldn�t suck any more if it were the vacuum of space!
CARTMAN: What do you mean!? Fred Savage is one of the greatest actors of our time, Goddammit!
STAN: Cartman, Fred Savage hasn�t been in a show as bad as �Working� since he was on �Full House!�
KYLE: Seriously, what are you going to do, Stan?
STAN: I�m going to do what any red-blooded American kid would do.
CARTMAN: So, are we watchin� Terrance and Phillip, or what?
STAN: Totally.
[Stan hops up onto the couch, picks up the remote control, points it at the TV, and turns the TV on. Terrance and Phillip are on. Cut to TV screen.]
TERRANCE: (On TV.) Oh, Phillip?
PHILLIP: (On TV.) Yes, Terrance?
TERRANCE: (On TV.) I bought a new car today!
PHILLIP: (On TV.) A new car, Terrance?
TERRANCE: (On TV.) Yes! Would you like to smell the air freshener that came with it?
PHILLIP: (On TV.) You know I would, Terrance!
[Terrance farts. Terrance and Phillip both start laughing. Cut back to the kids on the couch. They�re all laughing, too.]
CARTMAN: Man! That was sweet!
KYLE: He farted right on him again!
STAN: Hey! Where�s Kenny?
CARTMAN: He probably had go help his family root around in the dumpster behind Happy Burger!
[The kids all laugh.]
STAN: This isn�t like him to miss Terrance and Phillip. Maybe I should call him?
KYLE: Does Kenny even have a phone?
CARTMAN: Yeah, Stan. If Ah was you, Ah�d just tah a note to a brick and through it through Kenny�s window.
KYLE: Do they even have windows?
[Stan and Cartman both shrug.]
STAN: I�m going to try and call him anyway.
[Stan gets a phone book off the table the phone is sitting on, next to the couch.]
STAN: Here it is!
[Stan picks up the phone and dials Kenny�s number.]
[Int. view, Kenny�s living room. Kenny�s dad is drinking, naturally. Kenny�s mom and brother are sitting in front of an old picture of a fireplace.]
KENNY�S BROTHER: Ma, you think some day we can get a real heater?
MRS. MCCORMICK: Maybe some day, son. If yer father ever stops drinkin� so we have some f*ckin� money!
MR. MCCORMICK: Shut up, bitch! I work hard all day to support this family and I don�t wanna come home and hear that sh*t all the time, Goddammit!
MRS. MCCORMICK: You don�t work fer nothin� you son-of-a-bitch!
MR. MCCORMICK: Woman, so help me...
[Kenny�s brother has been laughing the whole time. The phone rings. Mr. McCormick picks it up.]
MR. MCCORMICK: Yeah?
STAN: (On the phone.) Is Kenny there?
MR. MCCORMICK: Has he won the lottery or somethin�?
STAN: (On the phone.) Uh...no.
MR. MCCORMICK: Well, sh*t. Yeah, he�s here. Hold on.
[Mr. McCormick sets down the phone, gets off the couch, and trips over several empty bottles next to the couch. He gets up and goes to Kenny�s door and pounds on it.]
[Int. view, Kenny�s room. Kenny and Kelly are sitting on the floor facing each other so we can�t see their faces but we can hear kissy sounds. Kenny�s dad pounds on the door.]
MR. MCCORMICK: (Behind the door.) Kenny! One of your little asshole friends on the phone!
[Kenny gets up and leaves his room. He goes over the phone and picks it up.]
KENNY: Mmnmm?
[Cut back to Stan on the phone in his living room.]
STAN: Kenny! Why aren�t you over here? We�re all watching Terrance and Phillip!
KENNY: (On the phone.) Mnnmmnm, mnmm mnn Nmnmm mmnnm.
STAN: What!? What�s she doing there?
[We can hear Kenny laughing on the phone.]
STAN: Oh. So, are you coming over later, then?
KENNY: (On the phone.) Nm. Mnmmn mnm nmnm.
STAN: Why the Hell not, Dammit!?
KENNY: (On the phone.) Mnm nmmmnm mmnmm nnmm nmmm nmmmmnnmmn mmnnm.
STAN: That�s sick, Dude!
[We can hear Kenny laughing again.]
STAN: Well, I guess we�ll see you at school tomorrow, Kenny. Bye.
[Stan hangs up the phone.]
KYLE: So, is Kenny coming over?
STAN: No! He says he�s busy with his �girlfriend!�
KYLE: Who? Kelly?
STAN: Yeah, I think so.
CARTMAN: Dude, this is f*ckin� weak! First we got Stan�s little hippie girlfriend and now we got Kenny�s bitch! What the Hell is goin� on hya!? Is Kyle gonna get all hitched up to some skanky Jewish tart next!?
STAN: Maybe you and Sally Struthers will get together.
[Stan and Kyle laugh.]
CARTMAN: Ay! Don�t you go and put me in your world of misery, ass-master! I will kick you squa� in the nuts!
[Ext. view, the bus stop. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman are all there.]
STAN: Do you guys think we�ll see Kenny today?
CARTMAN: Is he bringin� pah?
KYLE: (Sarcastically.) Yeah, Cartman. Kenny is bringing pie to school just like every other day because his family is so rich that they can just give away pies every f*cking day.
CARTMAN: Ay! If you�re gonna talk bad about pah, then I don�t wanna have anything to do with you, dog sucker!
STAN: Ooo, that�s a big loss.
[Stan and Kyle laugh.]
CARTMAN: Ay! Screw you guys! You guys are totally heli-immature.
STAN: Oh, not that stupid �heli� sh*t again!
[Kenny and Kelly walk up to the bus stop holding hands. They both have their eyes half-closed and have little flashes and hearts around their heads.]
STAN, KYLE, AND CARTMAN: Hey, Kenny.
STAN AND KYLE: Hey, Kelly.
CARTMAN: Hey, Little Miss Kenny�s Bitch.
[Kelly roshambos Cartman. Cartman falls down.]
CARTMAN: (Coughing.) Ugh! Christ! What the Hell was that for, ya damn dirty skank!?
[Kelly kicks Cartman in the face. All the kids, except Cartman, laugh.]
STAN: Dude! You�re pretty cool, Kelly!
KYLE: Yeah! Do you and Kenny want to hang out with us?
KENNY AND KELLY: Mnmmn!
STAN: Killer! Well, Miss Crabtree must be sleeping it off again. Let�s go.
[The kids, except for Cartman, start to leave.]
CARTMAN: Ay! What about me!?
KYLE: What about you?
CARTMAN: Are you assholes just gonna leave me hya to dah on the cold, cold ground?
STAN: Well, basically.
CARTMAN: What!?
KYLE: You heard him, Cartman! You�re out of the group! Come on guys.
[The kids, except for Cartman, leave.]
CARTMAN: (Yelling.) Fine! Screw you guys! I don� need none of you! I�ll find...*sniff*...new...*sniff*...friends.
[Cartman gets up and a tear runs down his face.]
CARTMAN: I can�t believe it. They abandoned me.
[He starts crying.]
CARTMAN: (Crying.) Dude, this is f*ckin� weak! I need somethin� to drah mah ahs.
[Cartman starts fishing around in his pocket. When he pulls his hand out, he has a few Cheesy Poofs in it.]
CARTMAN: Cheesy Poofs! Sweet! (To the Cheesy Poofs.) You guys are mah real friends. Yeah. You�d never leave me like those bitches did, would you? No.
[Cartman eats the Cheesy Poofs.]
CARTMAN: Too bad you�re so delicious!
[He burps loudly.]
CARTMAN: Well, Ah guess Ah better get to school.
[Cartman leaves the scene.]
[Ext. view, South Park Elementary.]
[Int. view, Mr. Garrison�s classroom. Mr. Garrison is writing �CIGARETTES� on the blackboard.]
MR. GARRISON: All right, class, settle down. Now, today we�re going to learn about why cigarettes are bad for you.
[The class groans.]
MR. GARRISON: But first, we�re going to learn about how we got the devil weed, tobacco, from our friend, Mr. Hat.
[The class groans louder.]
MR. HAT: All you little f*ckers shut up and die!
MR. GARRISON: Mr. Hat, I understand you have a lesson for us?
MR. HAT: That�s right, Mr. Garrison. Tobacco first came to this country in 1922 when Al Capone ruled Australia. It was here that the Japanese decided to raid India to exchange some crappy beads for a large chunk of the American continent. This was followed by the Pilgrims landing at Rocky Balboa�s mansion and...
[Mr. Hat continues in the background. Shot of the class. Kelly is now sitting at Cartman�s regular desk. Cartman is off in a corner by himself.]
STAN: Hey, Kelly? Do you and Kenny want to come over to my house tonight to watch Fat Abbot?
KENNY AND KELLY: Mnmmm.
KYLE: Why the Hell are we watching Fat Abbot?
STAN: Because it�s really f*cking funny to hear cartoons curse.
KYLE: Oh, yeah.
CARTMAN: What about me? Can Ah come over, too?
STAN: You�re not invited, Cartman.
CARTMAN: What!?
KYLE: You heard him, fat-ass. We don�t want you around anymore.
KELLY: Mnmmnm nnmm nmmm nm, mnnmm!
[The whole class, except for Cartman bursts out into laughter.]
CARTMAN: Goddammit, you f*ckin� bitch! Ah ain�t gonna take that kinda sh*t from some Power Puff Girl lookin��uh�girl.
MR. GARRISON: Eric! What is the meaning of this outburst!? Mr. Hat was in the middle of an important lesson!
CARTMAN: (Pointing at Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and Kelly.) Those assholes kicked me out of being their friend�
KYLE: Dammit, Cartman! You were never our friend!
CARTMAN: �And now they�re all, like, �You�you can�t come in here when Ah�m screwin� the neighborhood dogs and wearin' mah maid�s outfit while singin� the score from the �HMS Pinafore!��
[There is an awkward silence.]
MR. GARRISON: Eric, just what the Hell are you talking about!?
CARTMAN: Ah�m just sayin� they�re a bunch of bitches is all.
MR. GARRISON: Eric, shut your fat mouth.
CARTMAN: Ay!
[Int. view, South Park Elementary cafeteria. Stan, Kyle, Kenny and Kelly are just going to sit down while Cartman is still standing in line next to Pip and Terrance (Mephesto�s son).]
PIP: Cheerio, Eric! I was wondering�
CARTMAN: Shut up, Pip!
PIP: Righto. But, first, I was wondering why you aren�t with your chums?
CARTMAN: (Sarcastically.) Well, Ah am not sitting with them because Ah feel that they were in need of their personal space. (Yelling.) Why the Hell do you give a sh*t, Pip!?
PIP: Well, I was thinking that if your friends aren�t your friends anymore that perhaps we might become chums?
CARTMAN: Why, Pip, that is the most touching and deeply meaningful expression of friendship anyone has ever shown me.
[Cartman bursts out into laughter.]
CARTMAN: (Laughing.) That is so f*ckin� lame! Bwahahahahahahahahaha! You heli-suck, Pip!
TERRANCE: Then you don�t miss your friends, fatty?
CARTMAN: Hell no, I don�t miss them. And Ah�m not fat; Ah�m perfectly portly!
TERRANCE: What if I were to tell you that I knew how you could get friends who would never make fun of you and who would do everything you say?
CARTMAN: Ah�d say that sounds pretty sweet to me.
TERRANCE: Come to my father�s lab tonight. We�ll take care of everything.
CARTMAN: Kick ass!
[Cut back to Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and Kelly.]
STAN: I�m not sure we should have been so hard on Cartman, you guys.
KYLE: Why not?
STAN: I don�t know. It�s just that we�ve known Cartman all our lives and it doesn�t seem right just kicking him out all of a sudden.
KENNY: Mnmm mmnnmmm mmnm mmnmm mnm mmn mnmnmmm nmmm nmm, nmm nmmnmmnmm mmm mnnmmm nmmm nm; mmnmmnmm mnmm nmm nmmnnnmm.
KYLE: Totally.
STAN: Good point, Kenny.
[A tentacle suddenly springs out from Kelly�s back.]
STAN: What the Hell is that!?
KELLY: Mnmnn?
KYLE: Dude! There�s a tentacle sticking out of your back, Kelly!
STAN: Uh�I don�t think I�m hungry anymore.
[Ext. view, South Park Genetic Engineering Ranch. Lightning flashes ominously in the background. There are sounds of wolves howling.]
[Int. view, Mephesto�s lab. There are assorted chemicals in tubes and test tubes all over the place. Of course, there are also four-assed monkeys. Mephesto is working at a microscope. Terrance and Cartman enter.]
TERRANCE: Father, this is Eric Cartman.
MEPHESTO: Ah, yes, the boy who wanted a pig-elephant and whose mother has a penis. What can I do for you, Master Cartman?
TERRANCE: He�s �volunteering� for your continued research, Father.
MEPHESTO: He wants four asses?
[Cartman puts his hands behind his back.]
CARTMAN: Hell, no! This suck-ass here said that you could help me get some friends that wouldn�t call me fat and stuff!
MEPHESTO: You don�t have any friends of your own?
CARTMAN: Those assholes kicked me out and let Kenny�s bitch, Kelly, in.
[Int. view, Stan�s living room. Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and Kelly are all sitting on the couch, watching Fat Abbot.]
FAT ABBOT: (On TV.) Hey hey hey! Ah gots me a whole case of Colt .45! Who wants some?
RUDY: (On TV.) Man, Fat Abbot, you so fat you look like you ate 45 colts!
FAT ABBOT: (On TV.) Shut up, bitch!
[Shot of the kids on the couch. They�re all laughing. Kelly�s neck suddenly elongates so that she is about three times as tall as the rest of the kids.]
KYLE: Uh�
[Int. view, Mephesto�s lab.]
MEPHESTO: What were those names you said?
CARTMAN: What�re you, f*ckin� retarded or somethin�!? Ah said �Kenny� and �Kelly.�
MEPHESTO: Kenny McCormick?
CARTMAN: Yeah, so!?
MEPHESTO: Oh, crap. I was so deliciously worried that this might happen.
CARTMAN: What?
MEPHESTO: Well, you see, I took some blood samples from your friend, Kenny
CARTMAN: Where the Hell did you get some of Kenny�s blood!?
MEPHESTO: Christ, boy! It�s all over the town! Anyway, I took some samples of his blood and created a clone of him that is nearly genetically identical except that I modified the DNA to be that of a female. I called this clone Kelly but she disappeared recently. I�m afraid I haven�t yet perfected the cloning process and she may still be mutating.
CARTMAN: (Sarcastically.) Oh, well, nice job, Einstein!
[Cut back to Stan�s living room. The kids are still sitting on the couch, watching TV. Kelly suddenly sprouts a lobster claw from one side of her head.]
STAN: (To Kyle.) Dude, this is pretty f*cked up right here.
KYLE: Yep.
[Cut to commercial.]
[Int. view, Mephesto�s lab.]
CARTMAN: So, what you�re sayin� is that Kelly is really Kenny?
MEPHESTO: In a way, yes.
CARTMAN: Goddamn, this town is f*cked up.
MEPHESTO: Now, then, would you like for me to make those friends for you now?
CARTMAN: Yeah, whatever.
[Mephesto pulls a syringe out of his shirt pocket and sticks Cartman with it.]
CARTMAN: Ay! What the Hell was that for!?
MEPHESTO: I need a little bit of your blood to make your new friends.
[Mephesto puts equal amounts of the blood into three test tubes.]
CARTMAN: Is this gonna take long?
MEPHESTO: Oh, it�ll take about ten minutes or so. Here, why don�t you play with this?
[Mephesto gives Cartman a paddleball. Cartman starts playing with it.]
CARTMAN: One�two�three�four�uh, the number after four�
[The rubber band breaks and the ball goes flying off.]
CARTMAN: Goddamn, this is weak.
[Ext. view, Stan�s house.]
STAN: OK, Kelly, this was funny at first but now it�s gotten out of hand.
[Int. view, Stan�s living room. Stan and Kyle are standing on the floor now. Kenny and Kelly are still on the couch. Kelly now has a stegosaurus tail and a beaver�s head for a hand.]
KYLE: Kelly, are you okay?
KELLY: Mnmmm mmnmm nnm.
KYLE: If you say so.
STAN: What the Hell are we supposed to do now!?
KYLE: Well, you could ask the Lord for guidance.
STAN: (Sarcastically.) Oh, yeah. That�s always worked before.
KYLE: Well, ex-f*cking-scuse me, Ann Landers! I�m not the one with a freak girl that could wreck my house at any moment!
STAN: All right, all right. We�ve got to think here. What would Bobcat Goldthwait do?
KYLE: What would Bobcat Goldthwait do?
[The phone rings. Stan picks it up.]
STAN: Hello?
[The view goes to split-screen with Stan on one end and Bobcat Goldthwait on the other.]
BOBCAT GOLDTHWAIT: Is this Stan Marsh?
STAN: Yes.
BOBCAT GOLDTHWAIT: Stan, this is Bobcat Goldthwait. I heard that you were in need of some advice.
STAN: Dude!
KYLE: Who is it?
STAN: It�s Bobcat Goldthwait!
KYLE: Really? Sweet!
STAN: How did you get my number, Dude?
BOBCAT GOLDTHWAIT: Whenever I am needed, my network of secret agents sends me the phone number of the person that needs me via satellite.
STAN: Soooo, there�s some guy here in my house spying on us for you?
BOBCAT GOLDTHWAIT: Pretty much.
[Shot of a man in black hiding behind Stan�s couch.]
BOBCAT GOLDTHWAIT: So what is that you need, Stan?
STAN: Well, my friend Kenny�s girlfriend keeps mutating and we don�t know what to do. If she keeps this up, she might get too big for my house and trash the whole place on accident. What would you do?
BOBCAT GOLDTHWAIT: Well, what I would do is I would just take her outside.
STAN: That�s it!?
BOBCAT GOLDTHWAIT: Yeah, that way if she gets too big, she won�t tear apart your house.
STAN: Oooh. Thanks, Bobcat!
BOBCAT GOLDTHWAIT: No problem, Stan. Now, if you�ll excuse me, I�m getting a message from one of my agents in Zimbabwe.
STAN: OK. Hey, wait a second!
BOBCAT GOLDTHWAIT: What?
[Kyle grabs the phone.]
KYLE: Mr. Goldthwait, I�ve got a question.
BOBCAT GOLDTHWAIT: OK, but make it quick.
KYLE: What was the deal with that sh*tty �Shakes the Clown� movie?
BOBCAT GOLDTHWAIT: Hey, kid?
KYLE: What?
BOBCAT GOLDTHWAIT: F*ck you.
[Bobcat Goldthwait slams down the phone.]
KYLE: Man, what a dick!
STAN: OK, listen; we have to get Kelly outside.
KYLE: Right. How are we going to do that?
STAN: How the Hell should I know?
KYLE: Wait! I�ve got it! Kenny, get your ass outside right now!
KENNY: Mnmmnmm nnmm nmmnmmn nmm, nmmnm mnmm nnmm!
STAN: How would you do that with a watermelon?
KYLE: Kenny, we need for you and Kelly to go outside so she does get even weirder and makes Stan�s house look like yours.
STAN: Totally.
KENNY: Mnmm.
[Kenny takes Kelly�s non-beaver hand and takes her outside.]
STAN: So, what now?
KYLE: I don�t know.
[Ext. view, Stan�s house. Kenny and Kelly are in the front yard. Kelly has gotten noticeably larger. Stan and Kyle come out of the house.]
STAN: What the f*ck!?
KYLE: What happened to Kelly, Kenny?
KENNY: Mnmmnm nmm nmmm nmmmnmmn mnmmnm nmmnhnmn!
KYLE: Oh, well, that makes sense.
STAN: Totally, Dude.
[Int. view, Mephesto�s lab.]
CARTMAN: Goddammit! Where are mah new friends, you son-of-a-bitch!?
MEPHESTO: They�re lusciously ready! Come on in, boys!
[Cut to a shot of Cartman�s face. His eyes go wide and his mouth drops open.]
CARTMAN: What the�
MEPHESTO: I�ve finally perfected the art of human cloning! Behold my greatest works yet!
[Shot of Cartman�s three new friends. They all look exactly like Cartman except that they are dressed like Stan, Kyle, and Kenny, respectively.]
CARTMAN: Wow! They sure are handsome!
CARTMAN/STAN: Shut the Hell up, you fat f*ck!
CARTMAN/KYLE: Yeah, Cartman, you eat so many Cheesy Poofs that even if you owned stock in the company you�d still be losing money from buying so many!
CARTMAN/KENNY: Mnmmnm mnmm nmmnm, mnmnmnmn!
CARTMAN: Goddammit! You sons-of-bitches are supposed ta be mah friends, dammit!
CARTMAN/STAN: Why the Hell would we want to be your friends!?
CARTMAN/KYLE: Come on, guys. This place sucks ass!
[Cartman�s �friends� leave.]
MEPHESTO: Well, what do you think?
CARTMAN: What do Ah think? What do Ah think!? Ah�ll f*ckin� tell ya what Ah f*ckin� think, you Goddamn ass f*ckin� piece of donkey sh*t! You have done nothin� but screw me over tahm and tahm again! First you wanna to do crazy sh*t to mah Fluffy, then ya want $3,000 just to tell me mah mom is mah dad! Now ya go and make three of me that treat me like as much sh*t as mah old friends did! Ah�ll tell what Ah think! Ah�m gonna f*ckin� kill you!
[Cartman tackles Mephesto and starts beating the Hell out of him.]
[Ext. view, Stan�s house. The kids are still in the front yard. Kelly now has feathers all over her body. Her head remains the same.]
STAN: (To Kyle.) This isn�t cool.
KYLE: Yeah. But how are we supposed to tell Kenny there�s something wrong with his girlfriend?
STAN: We�ve got to be subtle. Kenny is our friend and we don�t want to hurt his feelings.
KYLE: Yeah. I mean, it�s not like he�s Cartman.
STAN: Right.
[Stan and Kyle walk over to Kenny.]
STAN: Kenny, we need to talk to you about Kelly.
KYLE: It�s not that we don�t like her but she�s�uh�well�she�she�s got this�um�
[The three Cartman clones walk in.]
CARTMAN/STAN: Goddamn! Look at the freak!
CARTMAN/KYLE: Dude! I hope she doesn�t touch me!
CARTMAN/KENNY: Mnmmnmm nmnmn nnnmmnn mmmmnm nmmm nnm mmmmnmnmm nmnm, nmnmmn, mnmnm, nmmmnmnmm, mmnmmmn, mnmnmnmmn!
[The three Cartmans laugh.]
STAN: Yeah. That�s pretty much it, Kenny.
KYLE: Yeah, sorry.
[Kenny looks at Stan and Kyle, then at Kelly. He goes back and forth for a while. Finally, he shakes his head and walks over to Kelly.]
STAN: Dude, I never thought Kenny would leave us for a girl.
KYLE: Yeah, I thought for sure he�d die first.
[Cartman enters with a bandoleer of syringes strapped to his chest.]
CARTMAN: There you are, you sons-of-bitches!
STAN: Cartman!?
CARTMAN: Not now, Stan. Ah�m talkin� to them.
[Cartman points at his clones.]
CARTMAN/KYLE: Jesus Christ, Cartman! How f*cking pathetic are you!? Can�t you not follow us around!?
CARTMAN/STAN: Yeah, Cartman! We don�t want your fat ass hanging around with us!
CARTMAN: Eeeeeeeeee! Goddammit! Ah am not fat you fat slug rapin�, ass-rammin�, Spice Girl lovin� freaks of science! DAH!
[Cartman pulls three syringes out of his bandoleer and charges the clones.]
CARTMAN/STAN: Well, at least he�s running at us.
CARTMAN/KYLE: Yeah, we�ll still be able to outrun him.
[The clones try to run away. They�re even slower than Cartman.]
CARTMAN/KYLE: What the!?
CARTMAN: Dah, you freak!
[He sticks Cartman/Kenny with a syringe and injects him. Cartman/Kenny turns into a puddle of protoplasm on Stan�s lawn.]
STAN: Oh, my God! He killed�uh�he killed something that looked like Kenny!
KYLE: So?
STAN: I don�t know.
CARTMAN/STAN: All right, fat-ass! Bring it on!
[Cartman/Stan takes a swing at Cartman. Cartman dodges out of the way and sticks Cartman/Stan in the arm with another syringe and injects him. Cartman/Stan is reduced to a puddle of protoplasm.]
CARTMAN: It looks like it�s just the two of us now, bitch!
CARTMAN/KYLE: Y-you can�t kill me!
CARTMAN: And why not?
CARTMAN/KYLE: Because, like it or not, I�m part of you. The part of you that doesn�t like the way you are. You can�t just ignore me or try to kill me somehow; you�ve got to accept me for what I am.
CARTMAN: You�re�*sniff*�you�re right. Come here, friend!
[Cartman/Kyle comes over to Cartman.]
CARTMAN: No hard feelin�s. Gimme a hug.
[Cartman/Kyle hugs Cartman.]
CARTMAN: Sucker!!
CARTMAN/KYLE: What!?
[Cartman sticks Cartman/Kyle in the back with a syringe and injects him. Cartman/Kyle becomes a puddle of protoplasm.]
CARTMAN: Well, Ah guess Ah don�t need these anymore!
[He takes the last two syringes off his bandoleer and tosses them over his shoulder. One of the syringes sticks into Kelly and gets injected into her. She turns into a puddle of protoplasm. The other syringe hits Kenny and injects him. At first, nothing happens. Then, Kenny turns into a small fish. He starts flopping around in the yard.]
STAN: Jesus, Cartman! What was that stuff!?
CARTMAN: The only thing that can undo the cloning process, Stan.
KYLE: And that would be?
CARTMAN: Jell-O pudding, duh!
STAN: We�re sorry we treated you so bad, Cartman.
CARTMAN: Really? You guys mean it?
KYLE: No.
[Stan hits Kyle.]
KYLE: I mean, yes.
CARTMAN: Ah love you guys.
STAN: We�re not that sorry, Cartman.
CARTMAN: Fahn! Then screw you guys!
KYLE: Hey! Isn�t almost time for Terrance and Phillip?
STAN: Hey, yeah! Let�s go inside and watch it! Are you coming, Cartman?
CARTMAN: Hell yeah, Ah�m comin�!
[Stan, Kyle, and Cartman all go inside. As Cartman is walking up to Stan�s house, he steps on Kenny and squishes him.]
CARTMAN: Oops.
[Cartman wipes his feet on the door mat before going into the house, smearing Kenny all over the door mat. Kenny�s eyes dangle over the step. A bird flies in and eats them.]
[Cut to commercial.]
[Ext. view, the bus stop. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman are there.]
STAN: Man, that was weird last night.
CARTMAN: What?
STAN: You know, how Terrance and Phillip decided not to be friends anymore so Terrance had Ugly Bob make a clone of Terrance that was dressed like Phillip but it treated Terrance the same way that Phillip treated Terrance so Terrance had to kill it by injecting it with Jell-O pudding and turned it into protoplasm and then Terrance and Phillip were friends again?
KYLE: Uh, Stan? That didn�t happen on Terrance and Phillip last night.
STAN: It didn�t!?
KYLE: No, that was last week, remember?
STAN: Oh, yeah.
CARTMAN: Hey, you guys, let�s never fight again, seriously.
KYLE: Cartman, we wouldn�t ever fight if it wasn�t for you anyway, you fat, sweaty Mongoloid!
STAN: Yeah, Cartman! We�d all get along just fine if you weren�t such a retard!
CARTMAN: Ay! Ah am tryin� to make peace hya and you two assholes are f*ckin� everything up! F*ck both of you! You go to Hell!
[The bus pulls up to the stop.]
STAN: It�s about f*ckin� time.
[Stan and Kyle get on the bus. Cartman stays behind. We hear Stan and Kyle scream followed by them running off the bus and out of the scene.]
CARTMAN: What?
[Cartman gets on the bus.]
CARTMAN: Hmm. Somethin�s not right hya�
[Cartman looks around the bus. Everyone on the bus is a clone of Cartman dressed as someone else.]
CARTMAN/MISS CRABTREE: Sit down, fat ass! We�re running late! Ahhhhhh!
CARTMAN: Son-of-a-bitch!
[End credits and song.]
Breaking Miss Crabtree By Mr. Dead
[Warnings, song, and titles.]
[Ext. view, Kyle's house.]
MRS. BROFSLOVSKI: Kyle, bubby, it's time to get up for school!
[Int. view, Kyle's room.]
MRS. BROFSLOVSKI: Kyle, dear, if you don't get up now, you'll miss the bus.
KYLE: I don't care; I'm not going to school today. I think I'm sick.
MRS. BROFSLOVSKI: Now you listen to me, young man! You are going to get out of that bed and you are going to school today! Do you understand me!?
KYLE: Yeah, whatever.
[Kyle gets out of bed and Mrs. Brofslovski leaves.]
KYLE: Goddammit.
IKE: E go skoo!
KYLE: Shut up, Ike. Maybe this'll make me feel better. Ready, Ike? Kick the baby!
IKE: Don' kick the baby!
KYLE: Kick the baby!
[Kyle punts Ike into the living room. He leaves his room and goes out to the kitchen for breakfast.]
MR. BROFSLOVSKI: Morning, son.
KYLE: Whatever.
MRS. BROFSLOVSKI: And what would my little bubbelah like for breakfast today?
KYLE: I'd like to go back to bed! I'm not feeling good, dammit!
MRS. BROFSLOVSKI: Gerald! Tell your son to watch his mouth!
MR. BROFSLOVSKI: Uh-huh.
MRS. BROFSLOVSKI: You are going to eat something before you go to school, Kyle. It will settle your stomach. Now, what do you want?
KYLE: Fine. I've have some bacon.
MRS. BROFSLOVSKI: What what what!? Gerald, do you hear what your son said!?
MR. BROFSLOVSKI: Uh-huh.
MRS. BROFSLOVSKI: Well do something about it, dammit!
MR. BROFSLOVSKI: Uh-huh.
MRS. BROFSLOVSKI: Just for that, you can go to school hungry, young man! And I hope that this teaches you some respect for your parents!
[Kyle leaves the table.]
KYLE: (Offscreen.) Fine. Maybe I'll just barf at school and have that freak nurse send me home.
[We can see Ike drinking some kind of kitchen cleanser.]
MRS. BROFSLOVSKI: Oh my God! Gerald! Ike is drinking poison! Call the hospital!
MR. BROFSLOVSKI: Uh-huh.
[Ext. view, the bus stop. Stan, Cartman, and Kenny are already there.]
STAN: Hey, Cartman, what do you have for lunch today?
CARTMAN: Well, mah mom has me on this diet, so Ah only have two peanut butter, pecan, bacon, and avocado sub sandwiches.
STAN: Damn, Cartman! That means you're going to miss Salisbury steak day!
CARTMAN: It's Salisbury steak day!? Man, that's f*ckin' weak! Hey, Ah know! Ah'll just eat mah sandwiches before the bus comes!
STAN: Jesus Christ, Cartman! It's no wonder you're such a fat-ass! You eat enough food to feed the state of Delaware in a day!
CARTMAN: F*ck you! Ah am not fat! Ah'm perfectly pudgy. Hey, Kenny, what's Delaware?
[Kenny shrugs.]
CARTMAN: Well, Mr. Genius Stan, do you know what Delaware is?
STAN: It just this one state that nothing ever happens in.
CARTMAN: Well, do they have anything worth seeing there?
STAN: I don't think so, Dude.
[Kyle walks up to the bus stop. He's turning red and he is clearly pissed off. Cartman is eating his sub sandwiches.]
STAN: Hey, Kyle!
KYLE: F*ck you!
STAN: Dude! What the Hell was that for!?
KYLE: Sorry, Stan. It's just that I don't feel too good today and my bitch mom is making me go to school anyway.
CARTMAN: (Trying to talk around a full mouth.) Heh, your mom doesn't love you like mah mom loves me.
KYLE: Well, at least I don't f*ck my mom!
CARTMAN: You shut the f*ck up, you Goddamn piece of sh*t! Ah'll kill you right where you stand!
KYLE: Good. Maybe I wouldn't have to go to school then.
[The bus pulls up and the door opens.]
MISS CRABTREE: Get the Hell on, you little f*ckers! Ahhhh!
STAN: Yeah, whatever, you fat, stupid whore.
MISS CRABTREE: What did you say!?
STAN: I said there's cat poop on that door.
MISS CRABTREE: Oh.
[The kids get on and take their seats.]
STAN: Damn, Kyle, you don't look so good.
KYLE: Oh, no sh*t! Thank you, Louis F*cking Pasteur!
MISS CRABTREE: Shut up back there! Ahhhh!
KYLE: This is bullsh*t!
CARTMAN: Um, Kyle? When Miss Crabtree kills you, can Ah have your Salisbury steak?
KYLE: No, you fat f*ck!
MISS CRABTREE: I said shut up!
[Kyle gets out of his seat and walks up the front of the bus.]
MISS CRABTREE: Sit down, kid!
KYLE: No.
MISS CRABTREE: Do you want an office referral!?
KYLE: Go ahead, give me a f*cking office referral! I want one!
[Miss Crabtree gets the gun and the bunny out of their special container.]
MISS CRABTREE: Uh, sit down or I'll shoot the bunny!
KYLE: Then let's see you do it! I want to see someone else in misery today! I shouldn't even be on this Goddamn f*cking bus! I should be home in bed, but I have to go to f*cking school today instead!
STAN: Um, Kyle?
KYLE: What!?
STAN: I think you should tell Miss Crabtree something about watching the road.
[Indeed, Miss Crabtree is just sitting there with her mouth agape staring at Kyle in disbelief.]
KYLE: Oh. Good idea, Stan. What are you doing!? Watch the f*cking road you Goddamn f*cking idiot!
[Miss Crabtree looks just in time to see that they are about to crash into Tom's Rhinoplasty.]
MISS CRABTREE: Ahhhh!
[She grabs the wheel and turns hard. All the kids except for Kyle are thrown around.]
KYLE: Goddamn, woman! Can't you even drive without yelling at us defenseless children!? Does that make you feel really f*cking important or something!?
[The bus stops at South Park Elementary. Miss Crabtree opens the door, still staring at Kyle with her mouth wide open. The kids get off the bus.]
STAN: Have a nice day, Miss Crabtree.
[She is still staring at Kyle.]
STAN: I said, "Have a nice day, Miss Crabtree!"
[No change in Miss Crabtree.]
STAN: Damn, Kyle! What did you do to her? She always screams at me when I say that!
KYLE: F*ck it. Let's go.
[The kids walk into the school.]
[Int. view, Mr. Garrison's classroom. Mr. Garrison is "teaching" the class a lesson about the Civil War.]
MR. GARRISON: Now, class, can anyone tell me what the Civil War was fought over?
[Clyde raises his hand.]
MR. GARRISON: Yes, Clyde?
CLYDE: Slavery?
MR. GARRISON: That's a nice try, Clyde, but it's still wrong because you're too stupid to know the right answer.
CARTMAN: Heh heh. You're a retard, Clyde!
MR. GARRISON: How about you, Eric? Can you tell us what the Civil War was fought over?
CARTMAN: (Under his breath.) God f*cking dammit.
MR. GARRISON: Well, Eric, can you or can't you?
CARTMAN: I know what it was fought over!
MR. GARRISON: Well, would you like to come up here and tell the class?
CARTMAN: No.
MR. GARRISON: Eric, get your ass up here now!
CARTMAN: Weak.
[Cartman gets up and goes to the front of the classroom.]
CARTMAN: The Civil War was a war that was fought between that Bill Gates guy and a bunch of hippies at a little piss-ant company called Apple, named after the Beatles' Apple Records. It was a battle to see if rich geeks or hippie geeks would rule the world.
MR. GARRISON: No, you get a "Z-" for this lesson, Eric.
MR. HAT: Sit down, you little turd! You don't know sh*t about anything!
MR. GARRISON: Heh heh, let 'im have it, Mr. Hat!
[Cartman sits back down.]
STAN: Goddamn, Cartman, could you be a bigger moron?
KENNY: Mmm mmmmm mmmmmm mmm mm?
STAN: That's what I meant: could you be a fatter moron, Cartman?
CARTMAN: You two just better shut up right now before Ah kick you squa' in the nuts!
MR. GARRISON: Does anyone know why the Civil War was fought?
[Wendy Testaburger raises her hand.]
MR. GARRISON: Yes, Wendy?
WENDY: The Civil War came as a climax to a long series of quarrels between the North and South over the interpretation of the United States Constitution. In general, the North favored a loose interpretation that would grant the federal government expanded powers. The South wanted to reserve all undefined powers to the individual states. This difference of opinion sprang primarily from economic considerations. The North, as well as the West, wanted internal improvements sponsored by the federal government � roads, railroads, and canals. The South, however, had little desire for these projects. Another source of conflict was the opening of public lands in the West. The distribution of such lands in small lots speeded the development of this section; but it was opposed in the South because it aided the free farmer rather than the slaveholding plantation owner. A similar quarrel developed over the tariff. The South wanted a low tariff in order to trade its cotton for cheap foreign goods. One issue, however, overshadowed all others � the right of the federal government to prohibit slavery in the Western territories. Such legislation would severely limit the number of slave states in the Union. At the same time the number of free states would keep multiplying. Many Southerners feared that a government increasingly dominated by free states might endanger existing slaveholdings. Thus the South strongly opposed all efforts to block the expansion of slavery. If the federal government did succeed in exercising this power many Southern political leaders threatened secession as a means of protecting states' rights. At least that's what volume 5 of the 1988 Edition Compton's Encyclopedia says.
[The classroom is in silence for a few seconds.]
MR. GARRISON: Buzz! Wrong!
WENDY: But�
MR. GARRISON: Now, class, what Wendy meant to say was that the Civil War was fought over Ginger Spice's leaving the Spice Girls. The North believed that Ginger should work at Pizza Hut while the South believed that�
KYLE: Mr. Garrison?
MR. GARRISON: What is it now, Kyle?
KYLE: Your whole lesson is a bunch of sh*t! None of it is even close to being right! Wendy should be teaching this f*cking class! Oh, and one more thing, Mr. Garrison!
[Kyle gets out of his seat and goes to the front of the classroom.]
KYLE: This is what I think of Mr. Hat!
[Kyle barfs on Mr. Garrison's shoes!]
MR. GARRISON: Oh, Goddammit, Kyle! Get your ass to Nurse Golem right now!
KYLE: About f*cking time.
[Kyle leaves the room.]
[Ext. view, the school bus. The door is still open but Miss Crabtree is nowhere to be seen. Chef pulls up in his Town and Country.]
CHEF: Hmmm. That's odd.
[Chef gets out of his car and walks over to the bus.]
CHEF: Miss Crabtree?
[There is no response. Chef gets on the bus.]
CHEF: Miss Crabtree?
[There is a faint sound from the back of the bus. Chef cautiously walks down the aisle towards the sound.]
CHEF: Oh my God!
[Miss Crabtree is curled up into the fetal position on one of the seats, sucking her thumb.]
[Ext. view, South Park Elementary.]
CHEF: And when I found her, she was just like this.
[Int. view, Mr. Mackey's office. Chef, Mr. Mackey, and Miss Crabtree are in the room. Miss Crabtree is wearing a straight jacket and is strapped to a chair. She's catatonic.]
MR. MACKEY: Mmkay. Miss Crabtree has reverted to her childhood, mmkay? She's gone back to a safe place, mmkay?
CHEF: Well, what could have done this to her?
MR. MACKEY: Oh, Hell! Any number of things: a bit of undercooked potato, a swallowed toothpick, mmkay?
MISS CRABTREE: Sit�down�down�shut up�bunny�shoot�
MR. MACKEY: There, you see, mmkay? It could have been any one of those things, mmkay?
CHEF: Mmkay. But those are all daily things for her.
MR. MACKEY: Well, she could just be a complete whack job, then, mmkay?
CHEF: Mmkay.
MR. MACKEY: Mmkay.
MISS CRABTREE: Green�hat�yelled�
MR. MACKEY: There! That might be our clue, mmkay? We need to find this green hat, mmkay?
CHEF: But who in South Park wears a green hat?
[Int. view, Nurse Golem's office. Kyle is sitting on the examining table. Nurse Golem enters the room, carrying a thermometer.]
NURSE GOLEM: Hello, Kyle. How are you today?
KYLE: Ahhhh! I mean, hi. Not so good.
NURSE GOLEM: Well, let's take your temperature. Where do you usually take a thermometer?
KYLE: In the mouth. Where else?
NURSE GOLEM: Well, we won't use this thermometer then.
[She gets a different thermometer.]
NURSE GOLEM: Okay. Now put this under your tongue and I'll be right back.
[Ninety seconds later�]
NURSE GOLEM: Let's just what that thermometer says�103!? I'm calling your mother; you need to go home right away!
KYLE: I told them I was sick.
[Int. view, Mr. Garrison's classroom. Mr. Garrison is still trying to "teach" his Civil War lesson.]
MR. GARRISON: So that was when Cybil Shepherd killed Marilyn Monroe. OK, are there any questions?
[Chef bursts into the room.]
CHEF: I'm sorry to interrupt, Mr. Garrison, but I have to find little Kyle.
STAN: Why?
CHEF: Well, Mr. Mackey needs him to help with someone's counseling.
CARTMAN: What for?
CHEF: Well, I can't tell you that. It's confidential.
KENNY: Mmm mmmmm mm mmmmmmm?
CHEF: Just tell me, dammit!
STAN: We don't know, Chef. He said he was sick and he's been really pissed off today because his bitch mom made him come to school instead of staying at home in bed. He was even yelling at Miss Crabtree and Mr. Garrison earlier.
CARTMAN: Yeah! And then he barfed on Mr. Garrison's shoes and we haven't seen him since. *sniff* I do so miss him.
[Cartman breaks into indecipherable sobs and whines.]
CHEF: Get a hold of yourself, children!
CARTMAN: *sniff* Thanks, Chef.
CHEF: So none of you children know where Kyle is right now?
STAN: Ask Mr. Garrison; he sent Kyle to see that freak nurse!
CHEF: Is that true, Garrison?
MR. GARRISON: Yes. He said he wanted to show me what he thought of Mr. Hat and then he just threw up on my shoes so I sent him to see Nurse Golem.
CHEF: Damn.
[Int. view, Nurse Golem's office. There is a knock at the door.]
NURSE GOLEM: Yes? Come in.
[Chef comes in.]
NURSE GOLEM: Chef, how may I help you? Can I�
CHEF: Ahhhh! I mean, have you seen Kyle lately?
NURSE GOLEM: Not since I sent him home; he was running a temperature.
[Cut to view of Mr. Mackey's office door.]
MR. MACKEY: (From inside the room.) So, he's gone home for the day, mmkay?
[Cut to inside the room. Miss Crabtree is still wearing the straight jacket and strapped to the chair she's sitting in.]
CHEF: Yeah. I guess we'll just have to wait until tomorrow to cure her. What will we do with her in the meantime?
MR. MACKEY: Well, I could try using hypnosis to fix her, mmkay? But that's really more of a party trick, mmkay?
CHEF: Can you turn her into a chicken?
MR. MACKEY: Oh, Hell yeah! Just watch!
[Cut to commercial.]
[Ext. view, Kyle's house. Stan, Cartman, and Kenny are walking up the sidewalk.]
STAN: Now remember: Kyle's sick so be nice to him.
CARTMAN: No way! Uh-uh! F*ck that! Ah am gonna get him for all the times he's made fun of me!
KENNY: Mmm mmmmmm mmm mmm!
CARTMAN: Screw you, you poor hippie!
STAN: Cartman, shut up.
[Stan rings the doorbell. Mrs. Brofslovski answers the door.]
MRS. BROFSLOVSKI: Oh, hello, children! Kyle will be so glad to see that you've come to visit him. Please, come inside.
[The kids go inside Kyle's house.]
[Int. view, the Brofslovski's living room.]
CARTMAN: So, how is the asshole son-of-a-bitch Jew, I mean, Kyle?
STAN: Yeah! Is he going to live?
MRS. BROFSLOVSKI: He's going to be fine; he just had a 24-hour flu that's all.
CARTMAN: So, he's not being an asshole anymore?
[Stan punches Cartman.]
CARTMAN: Ay!
MRS. BROFSLOVSKI: Why don't you children go in and visit him?
[The kids go into Kyle's room. Kyle is sitting up in bed.]
KYLE: Hey, guys. Sorry I was being an asshole earlier.
CARTMAN: See? I told you guys he was an asshole!
STAN: Go to Hell, Cartman. Hey, Kyle, did you hear about Miss Crabtree?
KYLE: No, what?
STAN: She's in a coma or something!
KYLE: Really?
CARTMAN: Yeah, you went and traumatized her for life, Dude!
KYLE: Damn. I didn't mean to do that! Honestly! I mean, Miss Crabtree's always been a bitch but I never meant to turn her into a vegetable!
STAN: Chef said that Mr. Mackey needs you to help him bring Miss Crabtree back to normal.
KYLE: Me? Why me?
CARTMAN: Because you're the one who made her brain turn into Jell-O with all your f*cking screaming! Because you're the one who made me miss mah Salisbury steak, Goddammit!
[Kyle gets out of bed, punches Cartman, and gets back in bed.]
CARTMAN: Goddammit! Ah will kill your sick hippie Jew ass in that bed!
[Cartman tries to rush Kyle but Stan and Kenny restrain him.]
STAN: Kyle, listen. You've got to help Mr. Mackey cure Miss Crabtree! If you don't we won't be able to go to school until they find a new bus driver!
CARTMAN: So? What's wrong with that?
KYLE: Listen, fat-ass! Stan's right! Do you want to still be going to school in the summer!?
CARTMAN: Man, that would be f*ckin' weak.
KYLE: All right. I'll do it.
[Ext. view, city hall.]
ASSISTANT #1: Mayor, we have a bit of a dilemma on our hands.
[Int. view, the Mayor's office. The Mayor and her two assistants are in the office.]
MAYOR: What is it now? Is Kathy Lee Gifford coming back? Are we under attack by pissed off, genetically engineered turkeys? Is Barbra Streisand destroying the town again? Does John Tesh want to do a concert here? What is it? What?
ASSISTANT #2: Well, it's nothing that drastic. The school bus driver has had a mental breakdown and South Park is without a bus driver.
MAYOR: That's it!? Of all the things that could happen, I have to have the one thing that guarantees no publicity! Oh, I'll never get out of this piss-ant white bread town with all these lowlife hicks and truck drivers! My talents are being wasted here!
ASSISTANT #2: Actually, Mayor, we could use this.
MAYOR: What? How?
ASSISTANT #1: It's all quite simple: you drive the bus.
MAYOR: Me? Yes! I can see it now! We'll get the press to cover it and show how caring I am!
[The Mayor goes to her desk and presses the intercom button.]
MAYOR: Ted?
TED: (Over intercom.) Yes, Mayor?
MAYOR: Get my beautician, my manicurist, and my make up coordinator! We're going to drive this bus all the way to Washington!
[Ext. view, the bus stop. All four of the kids are there.]
STAN: Are you feeling any better today, Kyle?
KYLE: Yeah! I took this Ny-Quil stuff right after you guys left last night and I just woke up ten minutes ago!
STAN: Cool!
CARTMAN: Mah mom says that Ny-Quil is the best stuff to take if you, like, hafta make sweet love to some guy you don't want to but you really need the money so you make sweet love with him anyway but you fall asleep while you're doin' it and in the morning when you wake up, you're lyin' face down in a dumpster in a puddle of your own puke.
[Stan, Kyle, and Kenny stare at Cartman for a few seconds of awkward silence.]
STAN: Cartman, what the Hell are you talking about?
CARTMAN: Ah'm just sayin' Ah'm glad Kyle feels better, that's all.
[The bus pulls up.]
KYLE: Hey! Maybe Miss Crabtree is OK after all!
[The bus door opens to reveal the Mayor (sitting in the driver's seat), her assistants, and a press crew]
STAN: What the Hell is this!?
KYLE: What the Hell is the Mayor doing driving the bus!?
MAYOR: Come on, you wonderful children! We�re going to make sure you get the education you deserve!
KYLE: What is she talking about?
STAN: I don�t know. Let�s just get on the bus.
[The kids get on the bus and the door closes. The bus drives off.]
[Int. view, the bus. The kids take their usual seats.]
KYLE: I don�t know about this, Dude.
STAN: What?
KYLE: The Mayor driving the bus. I mean, can she even drive?
[Cut to the front of the bus. The Mayor is having obvious difficulty keeping the bus on the road. The bus comes to an intersection and plows right through it, nearly hitting Stan�s grampa.]
[Ext. view, the intersection.]
GRAMPA MARSH: You Goddamn cowardly f*ck! Come back here and run over me, dammit!
[Ext. view, South Park Elementary. The bus pulls up. There is smoke pouring out from underneath the hood, there are huge scrapes along the side of the bus, and there is fire coming out of one of the windows. The doors open and the children run out screaming. The Mayor, her assistants, and the press crew get off the bus.]
MAYOR: Have a great day of learning at school! (Under her breath.) Good riddance, you little piss-ants.
ASSISTANT #1: (Pointing to the press crew.) Um...Your Honor?
MAYOR: What is it!? OH! We can take out that piss-ants part, right?
[All the members of the press crew shake their heads in the negative.]
[Int. view, Mr. Garrison�s classroom. For once, the kids are all sitting in their desks. All of them have horrified looks on their faces from the bus ride. Mr. Garrison isn�t in the room.]
STAN: Dude! Where is Mr. Garrison?
CARTMAN: Maybe Kyle scared the sh*t outta him and turned him into a vegetarian, too.
[Ext. view, Mr. Garrison�s house.]
[Int. view, Mr. Garrison�s bedroom. Mr. Garrison is sitting up in bed on the phone. There are pictures of Leonardo DiCaprio and Brett Favre all over the room.]
MR. GARRISON: That�s right, Principal Victoria. I have herpes again and I can�t come to school today. I�m really sick.
[Mr. Garrison attempts some really fake sounding coughs.]
[Int. view, Mr. Garrison�s classroom.]
STAN: So, what are we supposed to do now?
KYLE: I�ve got an idea!
STAN: What?
KYLE: My dad told me that when he was in college they had this thing called the �10/15 rule.�
CARTMAN: What the Hell kinda Jewish sh*t is that!?
KYLE: It�s not Jewish, fat-ass!
CARTMAN: Goddammit, you butt-f*ckin� son-of-a-bitch! Ah am not fat!
STAN: Shut up, Cartman! Kyle might have an idea to get us out of here! Go on, Kyle.
KYLE: So this �10/15 rule� says that you have to give a teacher ten minutes after class is supposed to start to show up and a professor 15 fifteen minutes.
STAN: What happens after that?
KYLE: Pretty much everybody says f*ck it and leaves.
CARTMAN: Aw, sweet! What time is it?
[The kids look around the room. There is no clock.]
STAN: What the f*ck is this!?
KYLE: What kind of classroom doesn�t have a Goddamn clock!?
KENNY: Mnmmnmm nnmmnmm mnmmnm nmm MNMMNMMN NMNMNNM!!
CARTMAN: Hey, you guys, Ah have a watch; is that like a clock?
KYLE: Lemme see it, Cartman!
CARTMAN: No way! You keep your Goddamn dirty Jew hands offa it!
STAN: We need to see what time it is, Cartman!
CARTMAN: Then Ah�ll just tell you mahself.
[Cartman looks at his watch.]
STAN: Well?
CARTMAN: Hold on! Damn.
[Cartman looks at his watch again.]
KYLE: Seriously, Cartman, what time is it?
CARTMAN: Well, Ah could tell you if you guys weren�t tryin� to rush me!
[Cartman looks at his watch again.]
CARTMAN: Ah know now!
STAN: What time is it, Cartman?
CARTMAN: Ah don�t know.
KYLE: You just said you knew!
CARTMAN: Ah meant that Ah know that Ah don�t know how to tell tahm.
KYLE: You son-of-a-bitch!
[Kyle jumps out of his desk, tackles Cartman, and takes his watch.]
KYLE: Dammit! We�ve still got a minute left!
CARTMAN: Then gimme back mah watch, asshole!
[Principal Victoria enters the room.]
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA: Now, children, settle down. Due to illness, your teacher, Mr. Garrison, will not be here today.
[The class cheers.]
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA: But he left instructions for a substitute teacher.
[The class groans. Principal Victoria gets out a piece of paper and starts reading from it.]
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA: (Reading.) �In the event of my being sick, the jittery kid with the spiky yellow hair is to teach the class for me. Signed, Mr. Garrison. PS, you little sh*ts had better stay out of my desk.� So, who is this jittery, yellow spiky haired kid?
[All eyes go to Tweek.]
TWEEK: Aaaaghh!
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA: Well, Tweek, it looks like you�re in charge now. Have a good day.
[Principal Victoria leaves.]
TWEEK: Aaaagghh! Too much pressure!
STAN: Hey, Tweek?
TWEEK: Aaaah!
STAN: Why don�t you let us leave really early?
CARTMAN: Yeah, like, right now?
TWEEK: Too many decisions! Can�t think! Need coffee!!
KYLE: Goddammn, Tweek! Are you still hooked on that stuff?
TWEEK: Need coffee!!
CARTMAN: Man, that coffee stuff is a bunch of sh*t! Ah wouldn�t drink that crap ever again if someone paid me to. Coffee sucks!
[Tweek jumps out of his desk and goes to Cartman.]
CARTMAN: Oh, are you really gonna try to teach us somethin�, Tweek?
[Tweek grabs Cartman by his collar and lifts Cartman out of his seat.]
STAN: What the!?
KYLE: Holy sh*t!
KENNY: Mmnmmnm nmmn mnnmm nnmmmn nmnmn nnnmmnmnmn mnm!!
TWEEK: (To Cartman.) What did you say about c-coffee!?
CARTMAN: (Weakly.) A-Ah said that coffee kicks ass?
[Tweek drops Cartman.]
TWEEK: Need coffee!!
KYLE: OK, Tweek. If we get you some coffee, will you let us go early?
TWEEK: Too much pressure! Get me coffee so I can think!
STAN: Come on, guys.
[Stan, Kyle, and Kenny walk off. Cartman stays behind.]
CARTMAN: (Calling after the gang.) Ay! Why the Hell do Ah hafta go!?
TWEEK: Get your f-fat ass in gear and go with th-them, lard boy!!
CARTMAN: Yes, sir!
[Cartman takes off. Shortly after he is gone, the Underpants Gnomes� music starts up and the Underpants Gnomes start marching into the room.]
TWEEK: Oh, no! Not here!
[Int. view, South Park Elementary hallway. Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and Cartman are trying to find the teachers� lounge.]
STAN: Where the Hell is the teachers� lounge!?
KYLE: (Pointing ahead.) Hey! What�s that room up there?
[Kyle points to a room with a blacked out window. There is smoke pouring out from underneath the door. The kids walk up to the door.]
KYLE: Should we try it?
STAN: It�s this or nothing, Dude.
[Stan knocks on the door. Behind the door, we can hear all sort of shuffling around and sounds of people running out of the room.]
KYLE: Uh...Hello?
STAN: Let�s just go in.
[Stan opens the door. A huge puff of smoke comes out the room, creating a smoke screen. After the smoke clears, the kids go into the room. It looks something like the typical teachers� lounge: lockers, a few chairs and benches, some magazines on a coffee table, etc.]
KYLE: *sniff sniff* What�s that smell?
STAN: It smells like Cartman�s mom�s room.
CARTMAN: Oh, you mean it smells like cigarettes.
STAN: Dude! Why the Hell does your mom smoke, Cartman!?
KENNY: Mnmnmm nmnm mnmmnm nnmmnm nnmnm nmmm nnnmmm mmmnmn.
STAN: Ooooh.
CARTMAN: Goddammit! Stop talkin� �bout mah mom that way, you camel-humpin� piece of sh*t!
[One of the lockers moves and makes a chicken noise.]
STAN: What the Hell was that!?
KYLE: Should we check it out?
CARTMAN: Uh...you guys, Ah think we should get some help hya, seriously.
STAN: Don�t be such a little bitch, Cartman!
CARTMAN: Ay! F*ck you and your little red pom-pom hat!
[Stan, Kyle, and Kenny stare at Cartman.]
CARTMAN: What?
KYLE: That was the f*cking lamest insult I have ever heard!
CARTMAN: Well, ex-f*ckin�-scuse me, Don Rickles!
STAN: Shut up, Cartman. OK, I�m going to open it now.
[Stan opens the locker. Close up shot of the kids� faces. They all gasp.]
[Cut to commercial.]
[Int. view, South Park Elementary teachers� lounge. The kids are all looking into the locker.]
STAN: What the f*ck is this!?
[Shot of the inside of the locker. Miss Crabtree has been stuffed inside of it. She still thinks she�s a chicken.]
CARTMAN: Oh...mah...God. Bwahahahahahahahahahahahhaha!
[Cartman falls down from laughing so hard. He wipes a tear from his eye.]
CARTMAN: That...is the...sweetest...thing...Ah have...ever seen! Bwahahahahahaha!
[Kyle kicks Cartman.]
CARTMAN: Ay! What the Hell was that for!?
KYLE: Dammit, Cartman! She needs our help and your laughing at her!
CARTMAN: Yeah, but...Ah mean, look at her!
[Stan, Kyle, and Kenny look at Miss Crabtree and start laughing uncontrollably. Mr. Mackey and Chef run into the room.]
MR. MACKEY: Oh, thank goodness! We found her, mmkay?
CHEF: What the Hell is the matter with you, children!? Get up, dammit!
[The kids straighten up.]
MR. MACKEY: W-why did you boys do this to poor Miss Crabtree, mmkay?
STAN: Dude! We didn�t do anything!
KYLE: Yeah! She was like this when we found her.
CHEF: Mackey, you�re the one who turned her into chicken!
MR. MACKEY: Oh, the guilt, the shame, and the mockery! O, Fate, how you laugh at me, mmkay?
[Chef slaps Mr. Mackey.]
CHEF: Dammit, Mackey! Get a hold of yourself!
MR. MACKEY: You�re right, Chef, mmkay? We�ve got to cure Miss Crabtree. I need you boys to help me, mmkay?
STAN: (Mocking Mr. Mackey.) Mmkay, Mr. Mackey, mmkay?
MR. MACKEY: Mmkay.
KYLE: (Mocking Mr. Mackey.) Mmkay?
MR. MACKEY: Mmkay.
CARTMAN: (Trying to mock Mr. Mackey.) Mmkay?
MR. MACKEY: Eric! Mmkay, are you mocking me?
CARTMAN: Uh...no?
MR. MACKEY: Don�t lie to me, you deep fat fried elephant testicle, mmkay!?
CARTMAN: Mmkay.
MR. MACKEY: What was that, mmkay!?
CARTMAN: (Reluctantly.) Yes, sir.
[Int. view, Mr. Mackey�s office. Miss Crabtree has been �secured� to her chair with a straight jacket. She, Mr. Mackey, Chef, and the kids are all sitting in a circle.]
STAN: So how are we going to fix Miss Crabtree sitting here like this?
MR. MACKEY: Well, the key to this whole situation seems to be Kyle here, mmkay? Somehow he�s involved in Miss Crabtree�s catatonia.
KYLE: What about her acting like a chicken?
MR. MACKEY: Oh, well, I�ll just fix that right now, mmkay? Miss Crabtree? You�re not a chicken anymore, mmkay?
[Mr. Mackey snaps his fingers and Miss Crabtree returns to her catatonic state.]
MR. MACKEY: There. All better, mmkay? Now, Kyle is there anything that you might have done that caused Miss Crabtree to completely breakdown and become a worthless shell of a human being, mmkay?
KYLE: Well, I...
MR. MACKEY: Go on. It�s all right, mmkay?
KYLE: OK, here goes. I yelled at her on the bus yesterday because I was sick and I was really pissed off that I had to go to school.
MR. MACKEY: That�s it, mmkay!
CHEF: What�s it?
MR. MACKEY: When Kyle yelled at Miss Crabtree, she didn�t know how to respond, mmkay? No one had ever stood up to her before and she didn�t know how to cope with it, mmkay? So, she retreated back into her own mind to escape the defeat she felt, mmkay?
CARTMAN: What the Hell does that mean!?
MR. MACKEY: It means that Miss Crabtree is just a scared little girl inside, Eric, mmkay?
CARTMAN: Buh, wuh, huh! What a bunch of tree-huggin� hippie crap!
[Cartman gets up and walks over to Miss Crabtree. He gets right up in her face.]
CARTMAN: (Screaming.) Ay! You wake your bitch ass up and drive us to school again, Goddammit! Ah don� wanna hafta go ta school in the middle of July!
[Cartman turns around, facing away from Miss Crabtree.]
CARTMAN: Damn! Ah guess she really is...
MISS CRABTREE: Aaaaaahhhhh!
CARTMAN: Aaaaaaaahhhhhh!
[Cartman runs and hides behind Chef.]
STAN: Dude! What was that!?
MR. MACKEY: Oh, she does that sometimes, mmkay? The Miss Crabtree we know is still in there somewhere and she�s trying to get back out, mmkay?
KYLE: So, how are we going to get the old Miss Crabtree back?
CHEF: I�ve got it! If we put her on the bus and show her that the children don�t always fight back, she might remember the way things used to be and be herself again!
MR. MACKEY: That�s pretty good thinking, Chef, mmkay? How did you come up with that idea?
CHEF: Well, I did take that one psychology class in college and I watch �Frasier� every Thursday.
MR. MACKEY: Well, then you should be the school counselor instead of me, mmkay? All I�ve got is this silly degree from Harvard, mmkay?
CHEF: No, cooking is my life.
[Ext. view, the bus. Mr. Mackey, Miss Crabtree, Chef, and Mr. Garrison�s entire class are there.]
TWEEK: Aaaahhh! You guys...erk...promise?
STAN: Yeah, Tweek after we�re done with this, we�ll get you some coffee.
[Mr. Mackey removes Miss Crabtree�s straight jacket.]
MR. MACKEY: Mmkay. Now the first thing we have to do is put Miss Crabtree on the bus, mmkay?
[Chef and Mr. Mackey put Miss Crabtree in the driver�s seat of the bus.]
CHEF: OK! Now all you children get on the bus and we�ll go.
MR. MACKEY: Wait, Chef! I think Miss Crabtree should tell them to get on the bus, mmkay? Miss Crabtree, could you tell the children to get on the bus?
MISS CRABTREE: (With no emotion.) Get...on...k-kids. We...we�re run...running...l-late. Aaaaahhh.
[The kids all get on the bus and take their seats. Stan stops to say hello to Miss Crabtree.]
STAN: Good morning, Miss Crabtree!
MISS CRABTREE: Hat...green...yelled...
STAN: Yeah, whatever, ya cheap bitch.
MISS CRABTREE: W-what did you say!?
STAN: I said I like Cheap Trick!
MISS CRABTREE: (With no emotion.) Oh.
MR. MACKEY: Do you know what this means, Chef?
CHEF: We�ve made a breakthrough!
MR. MACKEY: That�s right, mmkay!
[Stan takes his seat.]
KYLE: Dude! Nice job!
MR. MACKEY: Mmkay, Miss Crabtree? We need you to start the bus now, mmkay?
[Miss Crabtree slowly reaches for the keys and starts the bus up.]
MR. MACKEY: Very good. Now, we need to move the bus, mmkay?
MISS CRABTREE: Green...bunny...S-sit down! Aaaaahhhh!
[Mr. Mackey and Chef sit down very fast.]
MR. MACKEY AND CHEF: Yes, ma�am!
MR. MACKEY: Mmkay?
[The bus starts to slowly move down the street.]
CARTMAN: Goddamn, this sucks ass! Why can�t we go any faster, dammit!?
KYLE: Dude! I think we are going faster!
[Shot of outside the window. The background is starting to move faster and faster until it�s just a blur. Kids are being thrown to the back of the bus by the G forces. Pip goes flying out the back window.]
PIP: (Voice fading away.) Oooooohhhhh, mmmmmyyyyyy goooddnneessss.....
STAN: Oh, my God! They�ve killed Pip!
KYLE: So?
STAN: I don�t know. I�m just saying is all.
MR. MACKEY: We�ve got to slow down, mmkay? or we�re all going to die, mmkay?
CHEF: What are we going to do, Mr. Mackey?
MR. MACKEY: I don�t know, mmkay? We just might have to die with dignity, mmkay?
CHEF: Mmkay.
MR. MACKEY: Mmkay.
STAN: Dude, Cartman! Try throwing a Snacky Cake at her!
CARTMAN: No f*ckin� way, asshole! Ah ain�t wastin� no Goddamn Snacky Cake just so Ah can live longer!
KYLE: Goddammit, Cartman! If you don�t throw that Snacky Cake at Miss Crabtree, we�re all going to die and you won�t ever be able to have another Snacky Cake again!
CARTMAN: *GULP* E-ever?
KYLE: Ever.
CARTMAN: Well, f*ck that! This is for tryin� to rob me of a life filled with Snacky Cakes, you bitch!
[Cartman launches a Snacky Cake toward the front of the bus. However, the G forces are so strong that the Snacky Cake stops halfway from the front of the bus and comes back towards Cartman.]
CARTMAN: What the!?
[The Snacky Cake hits Cartman in the face and splatters everywhere.]
STAN: Oh, sh*t!
KYLE: Well, I guess this is it. We�re going to die.
CARTMAN: No no no no no no! Ah have said it before and Ah will say it again: Ah am not gonna dah with you assholes!
[Cartman starts crying.]
KENNY: Mnmmn mmnnmmm nmmnmmmnmmn mnmmnm!
[Stan, Kyle, and Kenny laugh.]
CARTMAN: You bastards...*sniff*...are you made of stone?
MR. MACKEY: Her foot is to the floor, mmkay?
CHEF: If we can just find a way to make her come out of her coma and step on the brake!
[Close up shot of Kenny.]
KENNY: Mnmm. Mmnn mmnmnm.
STAN: What!?
KYLE: No, Kenny, you�ll be killed!
KENNY: Mn mmnmnnmmn mmnmmmmn mnm mnmnmmn.
STAN: Good point.
KYLE: Totally.
[Kenny steps out into the aisle and slowly makes his way up to the front of the bus, dodging flying kids and debris the entire way. He gets up to the driver�s seat and stops. Miss Crabtree turns and looks at him with a blank expression which quickly becomes her usual face.]
MISS CRABTREE: That�s it! I�m stoppin� this f*ckin� bus until you little bastards sit down!
[Miss Crabtree slams on the brakes. The bus screeches to a halt and Kenny goes flying through the windshield. He flies out some distance from the bus before hitting the road and skidding, leaving a large trail of blood and innards behind him, before he hits Stan�s Grampa�s wheelchair, knocking it over and throwing Grampa Marsh clear.]
[Int. view, the bus.]
STAN: (Pointing.) Oh, my God! They�ve killed Kenny!
KYLE: You bastards!
[Ext. view, South Park street.]
GRAMPA MARCH: Goddammit! I was so close!
[Int. view, the bus. Mr. Mackey gets up.]
MR. MACKEY: O, merciful day! How you have saved us, mmkay? We owe it all to that brave little Kenny who so valiantly gave his...
MISS CRABTREE: Sit down! Aaaaahhh!
[Mr. Mackey sits back down very quickly.]
[Ext. view, South Park street. The bus starts back down the road, running over Grampa Marsh�s wheelchair and what�s left of Kenny along the way.]
GRAMPA MARSH: Come back here and finish me, you pansy whore!
[Cut to commercial.]
[Ext. view, the bus stop. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman are there.]
STAN: You feeling OK today, Kyle?
KYLE: Yeah, I�m fine.
CARTMAN: Ah really don�t care if you�re all right just as long as you don�t go and turn Miss Crabtree into a vegetable again.
KYLE: Don�t worry, I won�t
[The slow piano music starts up.]
STAN: You know, I think I learned something yesterday.
KYLE: Really? What?
STAN: I learned that if you are ever sent back in time, you shouldn�t mess with anything because the slightest change could have drastic effects on the future.
KYLE: No, that�s �Back to the Future,� Dude.
STAN: Oh. Well, how about: there is always some good in even the most evil of people and that it�s really unfortunate that those people only realize that they are still partly good when they die.
CARTMAN: Nope. That�s �Return of the Jedi.�
STAN: Goddammit! How about: Godzilla sucked.
KYLE: Uh, Stan?
[The slow piano music comes to a screeching halt.]
STAN: Don�t tell me: Godzilla, right?
KYLE: Uh, yeah.
STAN: Dammit! Didn�t I learn anything yesterday?
CARTMAN: Well, Ah learned somethin� yesterday.
KYLE: Really? Who cares?
CARTMAN: You sons-of-bitches! Ah�ve got f*ckin� feelin�s too, Goddammit, and you will listen to what Ah learned!
STAN: (Mechanically.) Fine, Cartman, what did you learn?
[The slow piano music starts up again.]
CARTMAN: Ah learned that a life without Snacky Cakes is not a life worth livin� and that we must always be on guard and prepared to defend ourselves against anything that would seek to rob us of our Snacky Cake future.
STAN: That�s f*cking retarded!
CARTMAN: Ay! F*ck you! At least mah life doesn�t consist of eatin� Cheesy Poofs and Snacky Cakes all day!
STAN: Cartman! Your life does consist of eating Cheesy Poofs and Snacky Cakes all day!
CARTMAN: Yeah, but...um...but...uh...Kenny�s poor!
KYLE: That�s pretty f*cking cold, Cartman! Kenny�s dead, remember!?
CARTMAN: OK, well...uh...Kyle�s Jewish!
STAN: So?
CARTMAN: Goddammit! He�s Jewish and he�s all...Jewy.
STAN: That�s it. I�m walking to school.
KYLE: I�ll come with you.
[Stan and Kyle walk out of the scene.]
CARTMAN: Sweet!
[Cartman takes off his coat to reveal that he is wearing the �German Danse� costume. He starts doing the �German Danse.�]
CARTMAN: Ah will do the German Danse for you, the German Danse for you...
[The bus pulls up the stop. The door and windows open and everybody on the bus starts laughing at Cartman.]
CARTMAN: This is so f*ckin� weak.
[End song and credits.]
Where We Went for Summer Vacation By Mr. Dead
[Warning, Titles and Song.]
[Ext. view of South Park Elementary.]
[Int. view of Mr. Garrison's classroom. It's empty.]
[Ext. view of Stan's house.]
[Int. view of Stan's house. Stan's mom, dad, sister, and grampa are all eating dinner. Stan isn't there.]
[Ext. view of Kyle's house.]
[Int. view of Kyle's house. Kyle's dad is chasing Ike around the living room. His mom is on the phone bitching about something, as usual. Kyle isn't there.]
[Ext. view of Kenny's house. There are bottles on the lawn, windows are broken, something red (blood, maybe Kenny's from sometime?) in the snow.]
[Int. view of Kenny's house. His dad is passed out on the floor with a half empty bottle of scotch in his hand. His mom is pointing a gun at his dad. Kenny's brother walks into the room, looks around, and starts laughing. Kenny isn't there.]
KENNY'S BROTHER: Heh heh...Mom�s gonna shoot Dad again. Heh heh.
[Ext. view of Cartman�s house. The dumpster out front is overflowing with Cheesy Poof bags and Snacky Cake boxes.]
[Int. view of Cartman house. Mrs. Cartman walks through the living room, barely clothed at all.]
MRS. CARTMAN: I�ll be right back, everyone!
[Sounds of male hoots and hollers and a few animal noises, too. Cartman isn't there.]
[Ext. view of the bus stop. Nobody is there.]
[Ext. view of Mr. Garrison's house.]
[Int. view of Mr. Garrison's house. Nobody is home.]
[Ext. view of Chef's house.]
[Int. view of Chef's house. Nobody is home but there are women's clothes scattered about.]
[Ext. view of South Park International Airport (it's very far out of town).]
[Int. view of South Park International Airport. Chef, Mr. Garrison (with Mr. Hat, of course), the Scamps, and Wendy Testaburger are all inside in the baggage check line.]
KYLE: Dude, this is going to kick ass! I can't believe our parents are letting us go to Disney World for summer vacation without them!
STAN: Yeah! Except I don't see why Chef and Mr. Garrison have to come along.
KYLE: Because that was the only way our parents would let us go. Well, except for Kenny.
CARTMAN: Heh, yeah. Kenny's parents don't give a sh*t about him. Heh heh.
[Kenny nails Cartman in the face with the brown paper bag he's using for a suitcase. Cartman is knocked back a few feet.]
STAN: Jesus Christ, Kenny! What do you have in your suitcase?
KENNY: Mmmm mmmm mmm mm mmmmmmm mmmm.
STAN: Oh.
WENDY: Stan...when we get to Disney World we can buy matching Mickey and Minnie Mouse shirts and walk around the park and hold hands and...
CARTMAN: Bwahahaha! That is soooo lame. (Wipes a tear from his eye) Hey, Stan! Why do we hafta bring your hippie girlfriend anyway?
STAN: Because, fat ass, I invited her and that was cool with everyone but you. But your opinion doesn't count because you're such a lard monkey.
CARTMAN: Goddammit! Ah am not fat! I'm charmingly chunky.
CHEF: All right, children, it's our turn. Now you all need to bring your luggage up here to the counter.
[They all start to bring their luggage up to the counter. Cartman suitcase bursts open and bags of Cheesy Poofs and boxes of Snacky Cakes pour out onto the floor. There are no clothes in the suitcase.]
KYLE: Damn, Cartman! Didn't you bring any clothes? A fat tub like you will be sweating like a bastard in the Florida weather with all those winter clothes on!
[Cartman is swearing under his breath at Kyle.]
TICKET AGENT: How many of you will be flying with us today?
MR. GARRISON: They'll be eight of us.
TICKET AGENT: But there are only seven of you here?
MR. GARRISON: No, we're all here.
TICKET AGENT: Then where is the other member of you party?
MR. HAT: I'm right here, retard! What a moron, Mr. Garrison!
MR. GARRISON: Heh heh�you said it, Mr. Hat!
[Ticket agent looks at Chef who just shrugs.]
CHEF: Maybe I should take it from here, Garrison. (To ticket agent) I apologize. These crackers can be pretty strange sometimes.
TICKET AGENT: Sure. Now, Mr�Chef, is it? Has anyone other than you handled your luggage?
CHEF: No.
TICKET AGENT: Do you have any fruits or vegetables with you?
CHEF: No.
TICKET AGENT: Do you know your grandmother's maiden name?
CHEF: What the Hell does that have to do with anything?
TICKET AGENT: Everything, believe me. Now�
[Kenny is looking around at the people that are in line. He looks over to the First Class line and his eyes get bigger that normal.]
KENNY: Mmmm mmmmm mmm m mmmm mmmmmm mm!
STAN: Huh? Where?! [Kenny points to the First Class counter.]
KYLE: Oh�my�God. It's Terrance and Phillip!
[Phillip is keeping the First Class ticket agent (who looks strangely like Scott from Canada) busy talking whilst Terrance sneaks up behind him.]
FART!!
FIRST CLASS TICKET AGENT: Ahem�yes�thank you, sir.
KYLE: Dude, we have got to go meet them.
STAN: Totally. Hey, Chef! We�re going over there to First Class.
CHEF: Huh? Oh�uh�yeah�sure children.
[The Scamps plus Wendy walk over to the First Class counter.]
CARTMAN: (Trying to sound like a sweet little boy.) Um�excuse me, sir? Are you two Terrance and Phillip?
TERRANCE: Look at this Phillip! This little American child is quite large!
PHILLIP: He sure is Terrance! I hope he's not filled with beans!
STAN: (To Kyle.) It's them alright.
KYLE: Yep. What are you guys doing in South Park?
PHILLIP: Well, we were at home in Canada when Scott brought us some special beans. He said they were �rocket beans�.
TERRANCE: Yes! We ate them because we love beans! They made us fart and we farted so hard that we were rocketed here into America!
PHILLIP: And now our underwear have holes in them!
TERRANCE: Now we don't have any more beans and we need to get back to Canada! So, we're catching an airplane from this little piss-ant white-bread mountain town.
Meanwhile in Canada�
[Ext. view of Scott�s house. There�s a large �S� on the front of it.]
[Int. view of Scott�s house. Scott is sitting in his living room.]
SCOTT: Canada is a better place without those fart loving fart-lovers and their fart jokes. I hate them both! (Phone rings.) Hello? (A huge fart sound comes out of the receiver followed by laughter. We can tell that it's Terrance, Phillip, and the Scamps laughing.) Damn you, Terrance and Phillip!
[Back at SPI.]
STAN: It was really great meeting you guys! Could we have your autographs before you go?
[Terrance and Phillip look at each other then at Cartman, each other, Cartman, each other, Cartman.]
TERRANCE AND PHILLIP: Certainly!
[They both go over to Cartman.]
CARTMAN: Now make it say �To Eric, You are strong and�
[They both fart on Cartman.]
CARTMAN: Goddammit!
TERRANCE: Well, we must be off. We�re going back home!
PHILLIP: To Canada, Terrance!
TERRANCE: To Canada, Phillip!
[They start singing �O Canada!� as the kids walk off. Other people start joining in.]
STAN: That kicked ass!
WENDY: I never dreamed I would meet Terrance and Phillip!
KYLE: Dudes! Cartman was the luckiest of all! They both farted right on him!
CARTMAN: Shut up, dildo!
KYLE: But, Cartman, any one of us would have killed for that honor!
CARTMAN: Yeah? Well, none of you smell like goddamn Canadian ass air!
[They arrive back at the baggage check counter where Chef has just finished with all the questions.]
STAN: Are we all ready to go now, Chef?
CHEF: Yes we are, children. Now, let�s go to our gate.
MR. GARRISON: Mr. Hat, do you smell something?
[Cut to commercial.]
[Ext. view of the plane. It bears the slogan �We�ll Get You There in One Piece or More...Guaranteed.�]
[Int. view of the plane, Coach section. Chef, Kenny, and Mr. Garrison are in one row of seats. Stan, Wendy, and Kyle are in another. Cartman is sitting by himself.]
KYLE: I hope the plane�s light enough to take off with Cartman fat ass on it.
CARTMAN: Goddammit! Will you stop saying Ah�m fat! Ah am just big boned; mah mom said so!
[Ext. view of the plane from the front. It is noticeably leaning to one side.]
[Int. view of the plane, Coach section.]
STAN: Dude, these seats suck ass! There isn't even enough room for us!
WENDY: Oh...I don't know, Stan. I think it's pretty romantic.
[Stan reaches for a barf bag but it's too late. He�s barfed on the floor.]
WENDY: Ewww.
STAN: Sorry.
[A flight attendant comes up to their seats since the gang is in the first few rows of the Coach section of the plane.]
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Excuse me, but we�ve horribly overbooked this flight�s Coach section. Right now we desperately need six people to come up to First Class where they will be treated like kings, have their every desire attended to in a very prompt fashion, and be coddled in ways that will spoil them to the Coach section for the rest of their lives. Let me see here...we�ll take you, you, you, you, you, and you.
[She has pointed to all of the gang except for Cartman.]
CARTMAN: What about me, dammit!
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Listen, fatty, this is First Class, not freight; we don't have that much more room up there.
[Cartman mumbles something incoherent.]
[Int. view of plane, First Class. There is a full-sized bar, a piano player playing Mozart, and assorted people in formal wear standing around drinking champagne, talking to each other, talking on cell phones, etc. The flight attendants here look like supermodels, too. One of these flight attendants takes them to their seats, overstuffed gigantic chairs that almost look like couches.]
FIRST CLASS FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Here you are. Please, feel free to get up and move around at any point of the flight or during takeoff and landing.
KYLE: But don't federal regulations say that we have to be seated with our seatbelts on and our tray tables and seat backs in their full upright position?
FIRST CLASS FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Oh that�s just a joke we like to play on the trash back there in Coach.
[Shot of Cartman. Cut back to First Class.]
STAN: Oooh.
FIRST CLASS FLIGHT ATTENDANT: And we don't have tray tables in First Class.
[She gestures to a HUGE oak banquet table covered in gourmet foods.]
KYLE: This kicks the most ass ever! Good thing Cartman isn't here.
CARTMAN: (From offscreen.) Screw you, you damn hippie Jew! Ah heard that!
[The Scamps minus Cartman plus Wendy all laugh.]
PILOT: (Over loudspeaker.) Folks, this is your captain speaking. We�ll be departing from South Park International Airport in just a few minutes. Our destination today is sunny Orlando, Florida. I�d like to take a moment to remind you that we only allow smoking in First Class and that should the plane fall into a deadly downward spiral plummeting straight into the earth, First Class will detach from the rest of the plane and continue to our destination. Also, I am proud to say that I have been sober for one week today. Thank you and I�ll see you in the air.
KENNY: Mmmm mmmm mmmnmmn mmmnmm mmnmm mm.
STAN: Good idea, Kenny. We wouldn�t want any of us to get hurt.
[Shot of Cartman being beaten up by an old lady with her purse.]
[Back in First Class, the gang take their seats.]
FIRST CLASS FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Here. Let me help you with your seatbelt. (Fastens Kenny's seatbelt.) There you go.
[Kenny's seatbelt �falls off�.]
FIRST CLASS FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Here. Let me help you with your seatbelt. (Fastens Kenny's seatbelt.) There you go.
[Kenny's seatbelt �falls off�.]
FIRST CLASS FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Here. Let me help you with your seatbelt. (Fastens Kenny's seatbelt.) There you go. Now, I have to help other passengers. You be good and I�ll be back later with a special surprise for you.
[Kenny laughs hysterically.]
CHEF: Damn, boy! You have got to teach me how to do that!
[The First Class Flight Attendant tries to help Mr. Garrison with his seatbelt.]
FIRST CLASS FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Would you like for me to help you with that?
MR. GARRISON: No! I mean, aren�t there any male crew members that could do it?
FIRST CLASS FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Uh...well, no.
MR. GARRISON: I�ll just do it myself then.
PILOT: (Over loudspeaker.) Flight attendants, prepare for takeoff.
[Ext. front view of the plane. It's really struggling to get into the air. One of the wings, the one on the side that Cartman is sitting on, almost touches the ground a few times.]
STAN: (Being pushed back into his seat by the G-forces.) Dudes...I don't know...if we�re...going to...make it.
WENDY: Stan...if we don't... make it...I want you to know...I...love...you.
[Stan barfs but the G-forces throw his puke back into Coach. Suddenly the plane levels out, all the turbulence is gone, and everything is fine again.]
PILOT: (Over loudspeaker) Well, we had a little trouble getting off the ground thanks to that fat kid with all the barf on him in seat 14-A...
CARTMAN: (Off screen.) Goddammit! Ah am not fat! (Sounds of eating.)
PILOT: (Over loudspeaker.)...but we're alright now. (Sounds of drinking.) We�ll be arriving at our deshti...deshtin...deshtination in about 30 shecondsh. I�ll shee you on the ground or all over the ground! Woooo!
STAN: Thirty seconds!
KYLE: Isn�t that a bit of an exaggeration?
28 seconds later...
KYLE: See? I told you it was an exaggeration.
CHEF: Come on, children. Let�s get our luggage and get our asses to Disney World!
KYLE: I want to go to MGM Studios! They�ve got that cool Star Tours ride!
CHEF: Yeah�whatever. (Under his breath.) Boy, I can't wait to go to Pleasure Island!
[Cut to outside. The whole group is waiting for their transport to Disney World.]
STAN: Man, it sure is hot here.
KYLE: Yeah, and why is the air so wet here?
KENNY: Mmm mmmm mm mmmmmm mmnm, mmm mmm mm.
STAN: Dude! That�s sick!
[Kenny laughs. A van pulls up to the curb.]
VAN DRIVER: Get in! We�re runnin� late! Aahhhh!
[A few nondescript South Park people get on the van. Everyone starts loading their luggage onboard except for Cartman.]
MR. GARRISON: Eric, do you need some help with your suitcase?
CARTMAN: No, Mr. Garrison. Ah�m fine.
MR. GARRISON: Are you sure? There isn't that much room in the van.
CARTMAN: No!
MR. GARRISON: Here. Let me help you.
CARTMAN: No, Goddammit! You keep your damn gay homosexual puppet�s and your hands off mah suitcase! You just want all mah Cheesy Poofs!
[Cartman finally gets on board.]
MR. GARRISON: Damn fat ass. He�s just a little bastard isn't that right, Mr. Hat?
MR. HAT: That�s right, Mr. Garrison. He�s like that guy who invented the moon and conquered the Australian aborigines in the War of 1812: Elvis Presley.
[Mr. Garrison gets on and the van leaves the airport.]
WENDY: Stan�I hope we can room together at the hotel.
STAN: (Naturally, Stan barfs.) Would that be OK, Chef?
CHEF: Well, I don't know�what the Hell, you're only eight. Why not? Where are the rest of you children going to room?
KYLE: Oh, we�ll be in the same room as them.
CARTMAN: What! Ah am not sharing a room with those assholes and Stan's little hippie girlfriend.
CHEF: Then you can sleep in the hallway.
CARTMAN: (Suddenly sheepish.) Ah�ll stay in their room, too. (Under his breath.) Damn hippies.
KYLE: Where are you staying, Chef?
CHEF: Me and Mr. Garrison both have our own rooms. I don't want to have anything to do with whatever he's gonna do at night.
MR. GARRISON: You go to Hell! You go to Hell and you die!
VAN DRIVER: Shut up back there! Aahhhh!
[The van arrives at the Caribbean Beach Resort.]
VAN DRIVER: Get the Hell out of my van! Aahhhh!
[Everyone piles out of the van as the van driver �earns� his tip unloading their luggage.]
WENDY: Hey look! A little lizard! Isn�t he cute?
KENNY: Mmmm mmmn mmmmmm mmmnmm!
[Stan punches Kenny.]
STAN: Shut up, Dude!
CARTMAN: Oooh�let me guess: you want to say it's an endangered species like Eskimos and try and protect it, right?
[The nondescript South Park people get off the bus, all dressed in winter clothes.]
SOUTH PARK MAN: Damn! It sure is hot here!
[He bursts into flames and runs around screaming.]
STAN: Uh�I think we�d better get to our rooms and change clothes.
KYLE: Totally.
[The van driver is still throwing luggage out of the van. As the kids walk offscreen, one of the bags lands on the cute lizard and crushes it unmercifully.]
[Cut to commercial.]
[Ext. view of a bus stop. Everyone but Cartman is there in summer clothes. Of course everyone is still wearing their hats and Kenny is still wearing his hood.]
STAN: Where�s Cartman? The shuttle will be here any minute.
KYLE: He�s probably still in the room feeding his fat face.
[Everyone laughs. Cartman walks up, still in his winter clothes.]
CARTMAN: Man, how do you guys stand all this heat? Ah am frying like so much bacon.
KYLE: It's probably because you're such a pig, Cartman!
CARTMAN: Ay!
[Cartman takes a swing at Kyle but before he can even come close, he's dripping with sweat from the heat added on to his physical �exertion�.]
STAN: Damn, Cartman! Didn't you bring any warm weather clothes?
CARTMAN: Well, obviously not, Mr. Baywatch! All Ah brought was Cheesy Poofs and Snacky Cakes in case the plane crashed so Ah wouldn�t have to be some kind of cannibal and eat the dead from the plane.
KYLE: Cartman, you are such a f*cking retard!
KENNY: Mmmmn mmmm mm m mmmmmn mmnmmmmn mmmm mmm!
[Everyone but Cartman laughs as the shuttle pulls up.]
SHUTTLE DRIVER: All aboard for the Magic Kingdom!
WENDY: The Magic Kingdom? What�s that?
MR. GARRISON: Oh that�s simple. Everyone knows what the Magic Kingdom is.
KYLE: Well, what is it?
MR. GARRISON: Well...it�s...um...why don't you tell them, Mr. Hat?
MR. HAT: Alright, Mr. Garrison. The Magic Kingdom is a place where all of the Cuban refugees in the world come to be beaten into our country where they are later churned out to become gang members and drug runners to feed the mighty empire that is Notre Dame University.
CARTMAN: Is that right, Chef?
[Chef is in a daze.]
CARTMAN: Chef?
[Chef is still dazed.]
CARTMAN: Goddammit, Chef! Is that right or not!?
[Chef finally comes out of his daze.]
CHEF: Huh? Oh...oh...yeah. That�s right children. Here, let me sing you one of Walt Disney�s famous songs. It�ll help get you in the Disney spirit!
[Typical Chef-style music. Pan back to show that Chef's band has appeared from somewhere.]
CHEF: Yeah, baby, they call you Snow White; But I�ll lay ya on down tonight. About them seven dwarves, I don't give two sh*ts; But you're gonna love it tonight when I massage your...
STAN: Chef!!
CHEF: Huh...what is it?
STAN: If we don't get on now, the shuttle�s going to leave without us.
CHEF: Oh. Alright, children, everybody on the shuttle.
[Everybody loads onto the shuttle.]
[Int. view of shuttle.]
SHUTTLE DRIVER: So, where are you folks from?
KYLE: Colorado.
SHUTTLE DRIVER: Really? I�ve got an aunt who lives in Denver. Whereabouts in Colorado are you from?
STAN: We�re from South Park.
SHUTTLE DRIVER: South Park? Hmmm...South Park...South Park...oh! South Park! Isn�t some little piss-ant white-bread mountain town?
STAN: Yeah! That�s it!
SHUTTLE DRIVER: Well, it must be some kind of change for you to be in the Florida weather. Say, why�s chubby there wearing all those heavy clothes? Doesn�t he realize how hot it is here?
[Cartman is still sweating even though he's by a fan and an air conditioner vent.]
SHUTTLE DIVER: You guys should get him something a little bit cooler to wear or else he�ll probably die...or worse.
KYLE: So?
STAN: No, Dude! You know the way your mom is! If Cartman dies on this trip we�ll have to have some retarded �Heat Stroke Awareness Week� or something like that when we get back home.
KYLE: Yeah, I guess you're right, Stan. If saving Cartman's life will prevent my mom from being a bitch for just a little while, it's worth it.
CARTMAN: Heh. Yeah. *pant pant* Your mom�s a beeyuch.
KYLE: Alright, Cartman, just for that, we're going to let Wendy decide what you're going to get to wear!
CARTMAN: No! Sweet God no! Don�t let Stan's hippie little girlfriend dress me!
WENDY: What the Hell makes you think that I want to dress you!? I'm only deciding what you wear, dammit!
CARTMAN: Well, Ah am the Beefcake.
STAN: No, you're the asscake!
CARTMAN: Ay!
[The shuttle arrives at its destination, the Magic Kingdom.]
SHUTTLE DRIVER: Alright, everybody off for the Magic Kingdom! You kids be sure and get that fat boy some cooler clothes. Do you know how much a rotting corpse his size would smell in this heat?
KYLE: We will, Dude. Thanks!
[Int. view of a shop inside the Magic Kingdom. The kids are all waiting out side of a dressing room.]
STAN: Come on, Cartman! I don't want waste my whole vacation waiting for your fat ass to get come out of the dressing room!
CARTMAN: No! Ah�m not coming out!
KYLE: Damn, Wendy! What did you pick out for him?
WENDY: Oh...you�ll see.
CARTMAN: Oh no you won�t! Ah ain�t coming out!
[Stan winks to the rest of the gang.]
STAN: OK, Cartman. But at least come up to the curtain.
CARTMAN: Oh...alright.
[Cartman shadow appears at the curtain. Stan roshamboes him.]
CARTMAN: Ughh! Oh, Christ! What the Hell did you do that for, ya butt licker!?
STAN: Oh, I forgot to tell you: we were gonna roshambo to see if you were going to come out of the dressing room and I won. Now get your fat ass out here.
[Cartman mutters some undecipherable curses and comes out of the dressing room. He is wearing Mickey Mouse shorts (like Mickey�s classic red shorts with the yellow buttons on them), a shirt that reads �I'm a Magical Guest� with a big Mickey logo on it, Mickey Mouse gloves, and Mickey ears instead of his hat.]
CARTMAN: Well, go ahead. Make fun of me.
KYLE: Oh, Cartman. We wouldn�t do that to you. You�re our friend.
CARTMAN: Really?
[The kids all bust out laughing at Cartman. Kenny falls on the floor from laughing so hard.]
CARTMAN: Goddammit! Chef! Chef!
CHEF: What�s the matter, children?
CARTMAN: Tell them to stop laughing at me!
CHEF: Alright, children. Hey, you children better stop laughing at the fat boy or...bwahahaha!
[Chef starts crying he's laughing so hard.]
[Ext. view of Tomorrow Land, Extra-Terrorestrial Alien Encounter. View zips down a long line in a blur. There are four visitors in line dressed like Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and a fat one dressed like Cartman. The kids are at the back of the line.]
STAN: Man, I sure am glad that Chef and Mr. Garrison let us go off by ourselves.
KYLE: Yeah! This rules!
STAN: As much as The Cure?
KYLE: Dude, how could anything kick as much ass as The Cure?
STAN: Oh yeah.
CARTMAN: Hey, guys, what�s this ride called again?
STAN: Extra-Terrorestrial Alien Encounter.
CARTMAN: What the Hell does that mean?
KYLE: You know, aliens.
CARTMAN: Aliens? (His hands slowly move behind him.)
KYLE: Yeah! The scary kind!
CARTMAN: Uh...you guys? Ah�m not feeling so good.
STAN: Why you so scared, Cartman?
CARTMAN: Ay! Ah ain�t scared of nothin�! I just don't want to go on this with you assholes.
KYLE: He�s chicken.
STAN: Yep.
CARTMAN: Ah am not chicken, dammit! Fine! Ah�ll go on this gay homosexual ride with you guys and Ah�ll prove to you that Ah am not scared of no damn aliens!
[Int. view of the ride. All is dark. All we can see are eyes but there are monster sounds, talking, and screams all over.]
CARTMAN: Ah can't take this anymore! Aahhhh!
[He bursts though the exit door before the ride is finished.]
VOICE: (Over loudspeaker.) Ladies and Gentlemen, due to an unforeseen fat child breaking out of the ride early, we must shut down now for repairs. Any inconvenience to you is tough sh*t. Thank you and have a magical day. I hate this job...
[Ext. view of Extra-Terrorestrial Alien Encounter.]
STAN: Dammit! Now we have to go and find that lard monkey!
KYLE: Well, where should we start?
WENDY: Why not Splash Mountain? You can see almost the entire park from the top of it!
STAN: Great idea, Wendy!
WENDY: �and it's a nice slow ride in the dark. We can hold hands, Stan.
[Stan barfs. A Disney slave (the kind that are always sweeping something up) wearing mouse ears comes up to the kids.]
SWEEPER: Sir, please refrain from vomiting in the park.
STAN: Sorry.
[Ext. view Splash Mountain. The kids are in line.]
KYLE: Dammit! Look how long the line is! We�ll be here forever at this rate! We�ll never find Cartman and my mom will see to it that we never get to go anywhere again!
KENNY: Mmm mmmm mmmmm mmmm.
STAN: Seriously?
[Kenny nods.]
STAN: OK, Kenny, give it a shot.
[Kenny taps leader of the group in front of the kids.]
KENNY: Mm mmmm mmmmm mm, mmmmm mmmmmn.
MAN: Really? Thank God you told me! Come on, guys, the bus is on fire!
[Kenny continues in a similar fashion until the kids are at the front of the line.]
KYLE: Way to go, Kenny!
[The kids get on the ride. They float by all sort of assorted Brer Rabbit stuff. Finally the ride comes to the end.]
STAN: Wow! You really can see the entire park from up here!
[The boat begins to descend extremely fast. Kenny comes out of his seat just before the boat goes under the briar patch.]
STAN: Kenny! Watch out for�
[Kenny falls into the briar patch and is impaled on several large, plastic thorns.]
STAN: Oh My God! They�ve killed Kenny!
KYLE: You bastards!
[Ext. view out in front of Splash Mountain.]
STAN: Did either of you two see Cartman from up there?
KYLE: Nope.
WENDY: Uh-uh.
KYLE: Well, this is just f*cking great! We�re hundreds of miles from home, these Disney motherf*ckers have killed Kenny, Cartman run off, we don't know where Chef or Mr. Garrison are right now, and I have to piss unbelievably bad!
WENDY: There�s a restroom right over there (Pointing.)
KYLE: Oh. Thanks, Wendy.
[Kyle exits.]
STAN: So how are we going to find Cartman?
WENDY: Well, there are four Disney parks open during the day. And given Cartman's size and the heat, it's most likely that he's in one of those parks. So all we have to do is go to those parks and look for him.
[Flushing sound. Kyle returns.]
STAN: Great! Let�s go!
KYLE: Um�guys? Where are we going first?
[Ext. view of MGM Studios. The kids are standing in front of the Great Movie Ride. There is a hole that is vaguely Cartman shaped in the front doors. There are also several Disney slaves (all wearing mouse ears) cleaning up debris.]
KYLE: Well, I don't think that Cartman is here anymore.
STAN: Yeah, he must have gotten on that ride and freaked when they got to the �Aliens� part.
[They all laugh.]
STAN: OK. Two more parks left. Let�s try Epcot Center.
[Ext. view of Epcot Center. The kids are in the France part of the World Showcase.]
WENDY: Well, we can pretty much forget this part of Epcot.
KYLE: Why? Cartman could be anywhere.
WENDY: This part of Epcot is all about foreign countries and Cartman hates all foreigners. Let�s try over there. (Pointing to the more technological part of Epcot.) Come on, guys. Stan?
[Stan is in the middle of a huddle of French women that are working in the World Showcase. They�re all laughing and whispering about him. He�s got a big goofy smile on his face.]
WENDY: Come on, Stan.
[No change in Stan.]
WENDY: Come on, Stan!
[No change in Stan.]
WENDY: COME ON, STAN!
[Stan comes to his senses.]
STAN: Huh? Oh�coming.
[The kids walk by The Sea. Four Disney slaves (with mouse ears) are carrying a dolphin out on a stretcher. It has a bag of Cheesy Poofs sticking out of its blowhole.]
KYLE: I think we may be too late. Cartman's not here either.
STAN: Well, there only one park left.
[Ext. view of Animal Kingdom, in a savanna type area.]
ZOOKEEPER 1: I just don't get it. What keeps killing the cheetahs?
ZOOKEEPER 2: Well, it's either these bags they�re choking on (Holds up a mangled Cheesy Poofs bag.) or those two nut jobs that keep hunting in here.
ZOOKEEPER 1: What two nut jobs?
VOICE 1: (Off screen.) Christ! Look at all these cheetahs! C�mon, Ned! We need to thin out their numbers!
VOICE 2: (Off screen) Mmmm�thin out their numbers�mmmm!
[Back at Epcot.]
STAN: On second thought, forget it.
[Cut to commercial.]
[Ext. view of Caribbean Beach Resort at night.]
[Int. view of the kids� room. Stan and Wendy are watching TV.]
STAN: Goddamn! Disney�s stations suck! All we get is a few local Orlando stations, the Disney Channel, the f*cking local weather, a channel where you can shop for Disney sh*t, and f*cking Disney information! There�s no goddamn Cartoon Central! How the Hell are we supposed to watch Terrance and Phillip!?
KYLE: Yeah, and they put this computer in our room with the internet and everything but the only site I can log on to is f*cking www.disney.com!
WENDY: Maybe we should go and see what Chef is doing?
[Ext. view of Chef's room. The kids are outside knocking.]
STAN: Hey, Chef! Are you in there?
[There are sounds of people moving in a big hurry in Chef's room.]
CHEF: (From inside the room.) The children are here! Get out, dammit!
[The door opens very quickly and a woman dressed as Snow White runs out.]
CHEF: (From inside the room.) Uh�just a minute, children. I�ve�uh�got to straighten up in here. (Sounds of Chef falling over.) Ow! Dammit!
[The door opens and the kids go inside.]
CHEF: Hello, children!
STAN, KYLE, AND WENDY: Hey, Chef.
CHEF: And how are my little crackers tonight?
STAN, KYLE, AND WENDY: Bad.
CHEF: Why bad?
STAN: Cartman ran off and we don't know where he is!
CHEF: Well, have you checked your room?
KYLE: Yeah, we searched the whole room when we came back from the parks but he wasn�t there.
WENDY: But he had been there. There were Cheesy Poof bags and Snacky Cake boxes all over the room.
CHEF: Hmm. Well, this late at night there�s only one thing to do.
STAN: What�s that?
CHEF: It's a gamble, but we�ve got to try Pleasure Island.
WENDY: Pleasure Island?
KYLE: What�s that, Chef?
CHEF: Well, it's the place where grown-ups go to get drunk here. And then, in the morning�hey! Why the Hell am I telling you this? You�re not even allowed in! It's for adults only!
STAN: Goddammit!
CHEF: Well, I�ve got to go now. You children should probably just look for that fat boy here at the resort.
[Chef exits.]
KYLE: Well, you heard him. We�ve got to stay here.
WENDY: No, we don't! I�ve got a plan!
STAN: Really? What is it?
WENDY: Well, first we�ve got to�
[The kids huddle together. We can only make out indistinct whispers.]
KYLE: Uh-huh.
STAN: Sweet! Alright, let�s go!
[Ext. view of the entrance to Pleasure Island. The kids walk up a few feet short of the entrance.]
WENDY: OK, there�s the bouncer. Are you ready, Stan?
STAN: Yep. (Puts on a fake moustache.)
WENDY: Let�s go.
[They walk up to the entrance.]
BOUNCER: Can I see some ID, please?
STAN: (In a deeper voice.) Certainly. Here you are.
[The kids hand the bouncer their photo ID�s for the plane.]
BOUNCER: Hmm�Sir? I don't know how to tell you this but your moustache is falling off.
STAN: What?
[Indeed, Stan's moustache is falling off.]
BOUNCER: Are you just three kids trying to put a fast one over on me?
KYLE: No! He�s just growing a moustache and he's wearing that one until it comes in.
BOUNCER: Oh. It looks like carpet, though.
WENDY: Well, I never! Come on, guys!
[They walk past the bouncer into Pleasure Island.]
STAN: I can't believe that worked!
KYLE: Yeah! Now we have to look for Cartman. Let�s try in there! (Points to a club called �8-Trax�.)
[Int. view of 8-Trax. It's full of disco music. There are strobe lights all around. It's also populated almost completely by men.]
KYLE: Um�I don't know what kind of club this is but I don't think that Cartman is in here.
VOICE: Oh, hi, Stanley! How have you been?
[Stan turns around. It's Big Gay Al.]
STAN: Oh, hey! I'm fine. How are you?
BIG GAY AL: I'm super! Thanks for asking! What ever are you doing here?
KYLE: We�re looking for Cartman. Some alien ride scared him and he ran off.
STAN: What are you doing here?
BIG GAY AL: Oh, I'm on my big gay vacation and Disney is the place to come for that! I do miss my big gay boat ride, though. But that�s all OK! I�ve found a new home for many of the big gay animals in my big gay animal sanctuary in the Animal Kingdom and I�ve met a new friend tonight! Would you like to meet him?
STAN, KYLE, AND WENDY: Sure!
BIG GAY AL: Yoohoo, Silly Buns! Come over here, there�s some friends of mine I want you to meet!
[Mr. Garrison walks over.]
STAN, KYLE, AND WENDY: Mr. Garrison!?
MR. GARRISON: What!? Um�no. I�m�uh�What are you kids doing here!?
STAN: We�re looking for Cartman. He ran off.
MR. GARRISON: Well, some running is probably good for that little fat f*cker. You kids get the Hell out of here right now or else I�ll call for sex�I mean security!
KYLE: Alright, alright.
BIG GAY AL: Good-bye, Stanley!
STAN: Later, Big Gay Al!
[The kids exit.]
MR. GARRISON: Mr. Hat, why did you insist on coming here?
[Ext. view of 8-Trax. There are drunk people falling and stumbling all around the kids.]
KYLE: Well, this was the last park we had to check and still no Cartman.
STAN: Yeah. Where could he be?
[A Disney security guard walks by (wearing mouse ears, a Mickey Mouse shaped badge, a squirt gun, and a candy cane for a nightstick.]
VOICE: (Over security guard�s walkie-talkie.) All available units, all available units. Code 7 emergency. There is a fat child inside the Magic Kingdom eating everything. Request back up immediately. Over.
STAN: Well, I guess we're just going to have to break into the Magic Kingdom.
KYLE: Won�t security be after us, too, then?
STAN: Probably. But we�ll just have to risk it.
WENDY: Oh, Stan! I just love it when you take charge�
[Stan barfs again.]
KYLE: Christ, Dude! How much can one kid barf in one day?
[Ext. view of the Magic Kingdom�s gates. There are two security guards with very large squirt guns patrolling the area. The kids are behind some Mickey shaped bushes outside.]
STAN: Well, this is it. We�ve got to get in somehow. Any ideas?
KYLE: Leave it to me. Just follow my lead and stay cool.
[The kids walk up to the security guards with Kyle in the lead.]
GUARD 1: Halt! Show me some ID!
KYLE: (Getting out his ID and talking with a southern accent.) Son, do know just who you are f*cking with? I am Special Agent Bris of the Fat Children division of the FBI and these are my partners, Special Agent Churl and Special Agent Gurle. We are here to clean up your little fat child problem, gentlemen!
GUARD 2: I didn�t know there was a Fat Children division of the FBI.
KYLE: Do not f*ck with us, young man! Now are you going to let us in, or not!?
GUARD 1: Yes, Sir! Right away, Sir!
[The guards open the gates and the kids walk inside.]
STAN: Dude! That totally fooled them!
KYLE: Yeah! What retards!
GUARD 1: (Off screen.) Did you hear that?
GUARD 2: (Off screen.) Let�s get �em!
WENDY: Oh, sh*t! Run for it!
[The kids run off while the guards chase them. In the midst of all their running the kids wind up in front of It's A Small World.]
STAN: Quick! In here!
[The kids rush inside. As they are running in, Kyle bumps the �on� switch for the ride. It's A Small World comes to life.]
KYLE: What the Hell are we supposed to do now? They'll know where we are for sure!
WENDY: Come on! Get in one of those boats!
[The kids jump into a boat and float into the ride. The guards get there just as the kids� boat is disappearing into the ride.]
GUARD 2: They went in here!
[The guards get into a boat and follow the kids.]
[Deeper in the ride.]
STAN: I�ve got an idea! Follow me!
[Stan jumps off the boat onto an island full of robot kids. Kyle and Wendy follow him.]
KYLE: What now? I don't think I can take any more of this goddamn song!
STAN: OK. It's really simple. All we have to do is stand here and move our mouths out of sync with the song and make really slow robotic movements. Got it?
[The kids act like the robots on the ride. After about ten seconds of this, the guards� boat finally comes into view.]
GUARD 1: Where�d those little bastards get to?
GUARD 2: I know I saw them come in here!
[Kyle is starting to sweat. He closes his eyes really tight.]
KYLE: Goddammit! I can't stand this f*cking song anymore! I�ve got to get out of here!
STAN: Dude!
[The guards turn around to see the kids jumping from boat to boat back to the entrance.]
GUARD 1: There they go! Let�s go after them!
GUARD 2: No! They�re not even trying to keep their arms and legs inside the boat at all times. If we follow them, we're no better than they are.
GUARD 1: But�
GUARD 2: But nothing! We�ll just ride this out and catch them back at the entrance.
[Back at the entrance.]
STAN: Hey, guys! Look! I found a way to lock those assmasters in there! Kyle, gimme a hand with this door. Kyle? Kyle?
[Kyle is sitting in the street rocking back and forth and singing �It's A Small World� to himself.]
STAN: Goddammit, Kyle! Not now! Wendy?
[Wendy walks over to Kyle and smacks him upside the head.]
KYLE: Thanks, Wendy. I really, really needed that.
WENDY: Whatever, Dude.
STAN: Now get your ass over here and help me with this door!
[Kyle comes over to Stan and together they pull the door shut. Stan puts a padlock on the door once it's closed.]
KYLE: Stan, I'm not sure that we should have done that? I mean, is it right to subject another human being to that kind of torture. Do we have the right to pass judgement on those men simply because they are doing their jobs and enforcing the rules that put food on their families� tables?
STAN: Dude, remember your mom?
KYLE: Yep. You�re right.
WENDY: Maybe we should split up. That way we can find Cartman quicker.
STAN: Good idea, Wendy! You take Fantasy Land. Kyle, you take Frontier Land. I�ll take Tomorrow Land. We�ll meet back here in an hour. If none of us have found Cartman by then, we�ll just tell everyone that he never even came with us. OK?
KYLE: Right.
WENDY: You bet.
[They go their separate ways. We follow Wendy first.]
WENDY: Cartman! Oh, Cartman! Come out, come out! I�ve got Cheesy Poofs.
[Cut to Kyle.]
KYLE: Fat-ass! Where are you fat ass! If you come out, we�ll get you a chocolate chicken potpie!
[Cut to Stan.]
STAN: Cartman! Goddammit, where are you! I swear to f*cking God, Cartman, if you are dead, I am going to f*cking kill you! Come out, you fat little pig-f*cker!
[Stan comes across some broken glass outside a building. Pan up to show a sign that reads �Cosmic Ray�s Starlight Caf�.]
STAN: Cartman?
[Stan moves carefully towards the door, which has been broken. There are sounds of eating coming from inside.]
STAN: Cartman, is that you?
[Stan goes inside the caf�. He slowly makes his way to the counter.]
STAN: Cartman, come out you fat f*ck!
[The sounds of eating stop.]
CARTMAN: (Off screen.) Screw you! Ah am not fat! Mah mom says mah internal organs are just bigger than other people�s are.
STAN: Goddammit, Cartman! We�ve been looking everywhere for you.
CARTMAN: Really? (His eyes tear up.) Gee�I guess you guys really do care about me.
STAN: No, we just didn�t want to have to hear Kyle's mom bitch about it when we got back. Now come on, lard-o. We have to meet Wendy and Kyle back at It's A Small World in ten minutes.
CARTMAN: Oh! It's A Small World? Kick ass! Ah love It's A Small World. (Singing.) It's a small world after all. It's a small world after all. It's a small world after all. It's a small, small world! It's a world of�
STAN: (Screaming.) Goddammit, Cartman! Shut the Hell up right now or I swear I will f*cking kill you here on this f*cking spot with my bare f*cking hands, you fat motherf*cker!
[Back at It's A Small World. The song can still be heard from the outside although it's muffled.]
WENDY: Stan! You found Cartman!
KYLE: Where�d you find him, Dude?
STAN: Stuffing his fat face at Cosmic Ray�s Starlight Caf�.
CARTMAN: F*ck you! Ah did what Ah had to to survive!
STAN: Cartman! You ate all the food in the park!
KYLE: Hey, Stan. Don�t you think we should let those guys out of there now? I mean, we�ve found Cartman and those poor bastards are probably little more that jelly right now, anyway.
STAN: You�re right, Kyle. You�re right. Hey, Cartman!
CARTMAN: Oh, no! Ah am not going to let you sons of bitches make anymore fun of me tonight. Ah will kick you all in the nuts!
WENDY: Even me?
CARTMAN: Especially you, you little hippie freak!
KYLE: Shut up, Cartman. Listen. Do you want some more Cheesy Poofs?
CARTMAN: Well, let me see hya, Einstein�um�yes Ah want more Cheesy Poofs, Goddammit! Where are they!?
STAN: They�re on the other side of this door, but it's looked and we don't have the key.
[Cartman makes some high-pitched whining sounds and charges headlong into the door, knocking it off its hinges.]
STAN: Damn, Cartman! Why didn�t block like that when we played the Cowboys?
CARTMAN: Were there Cheesy Poofs in the end zone?
KYLE: No.
CARTMAN: Well�huh! Maybe that�s the reason, asshole!
STAN: You�re such a dick, Cartman.
CARTMAN: You just shut up, hippie! Now where are those Cheesy Poofs!?
WENDY: There aren�t any Cheesy Poofs, Cartman. But look, you�ve saved these men�s lives (Points to the guards who are now curled up into the fetal position and mumbling psychotic rants about It's A Small World.). For once you�ve done something incredibly noble and unselfish. How do you feel now?
CARTMAN: Ah want mah Cheesy Poofs, Goddammit!
KYLE: Dudes! Look what I found!
[Everyone turns around. There is golden light shining on their faces and the angelic choir is singing an Alleluia. Kyle drives up in a golf cart covered with a big Mickey head.]
STAN: This kicks ass! Now we don't have to call Chef to get us back to the hotel!
CARTMAN: Ah call shotgun. KYLE: I get to drive since I found it.
WENDY: Stan and I will sit in the back�
[They all get in and start to drive off. The view switches to the rear as the golf cart drives off towards the horizon.]
WENDY: Stan, I hope we can tell this story to our grandchildren some day�
[We hear Stan barf. Cut to commercial.]
[Ext. view of the Orlando International Airport.]
[Int. view of the airport. The kids are waiting while Chef goes through all the lame questions again.]
STAN: Well, we found Cartman but where is Mr. Garrison?
KYLE: Yeah. The last time we saw him was at that 8-Trax place.
[Suddenly there is a flash of light. When it is gone there is a yellow suitcase with red flowers on it. It opens and Mr. Garrison and Big Gay Al get out.]
BIG GAY AL: Hello, Stanley! It's so super to see you! How are you doing?
STAN: I'm fine. How are you?
BIG GAY AL: I'm super! Thanks for asking! Are you on your way home now?
KYLE: Yep. Disney World is a really f*cked up place.
BIG GAY AL: Yes, like all places it has it's quirks, but there�s nowhere I would rather go for my big gay vacation and I'm so happy I�ve found a new big gay home for so many of my big gay animal friends here.
CARTMAN: Mr. Garrison? What were you doing with Big Gay Al?
MR. GARRISON: I wasn�t doing anything to him�I mean with him! With him, dammit! It was all Mr. Hat.
CARTMAN: (To Kyle.) Dude, that puppet is a gay homosexual.
KYLE: Totally.
BIG GAY AL: Well, I have to be off, too. Somewhere there are big gay people and animals that need my help. Good-bye, Stanley! Peace be with you!
STAN: Good-bye, Big Gay Al!
[Big Gay Al gets in his suitcase, it closes, and vanishes in a flash of light.]
MR. GARRISON: Well, did we learn anything on this trip?
KYLE: No.
CARTMAN: No.
WENDY: No.
STAN: You know, I think I�ve learned something here today.
KYLE: Really?
STAN: Yeah. I�ve learned that it doesn't matter what Disney park you go to. They all hold a bit of that special magic that made Walt Disney such a great man. And by going to these parks, we get to take a little of that magic home with us. Even if they do charge us $38 bucks a pop to take it home.
KYLE: That was beautiful, Dude.
STAN: You think so? I just made it up so Mr. Garrison wouldn�t try to teach us anything.
CARTMAN: (He�s crying.) Stan�*sniff*�that was�*sob*�one of the most�*sniff sniff*�moving speeches�*snark*�that Ah have ever heard! (He continues crying and saying stuff that is totally incoherent by this point.)
STAN: Hey, Cartman?
CARTMAN: Yeah�*sniff*�Stan?
STAN: You are the biggest, fattest, most gullible retard I�ve ever met!
CARTMAN: Goddammit! F*ck you, you son of a bitch!
[Credits and End Song.]
That was a great fanfic, and a tray of cookies to you for writing it! Was thast your first?
Mmmmm. Cookies. (Starts drooling on himself.) Ahem. Yes, that was my first ever fanfic. Glad you liked it.
Mr. Dead
"Mr. Dead: Making the world safer for those who aren't living!"
dammit! i ask mr dead about his fanfics, he agrees to post them and then the news servers dropped his post! coincidently it only seems to like dropping fanfics afaik... it's a conspiracy to deny the world the truth...long live the fanfic! are you with me comrades...comrades? where'd you all go and what's with the guys in the black suits...wait! NO! oh <bleep>!
<flash of red light>
what was i talking about again?
On Sat, 27 Feb 1999 22:20:28 -0700, [email] (the_davester) wrote:
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- "I love you guys... ah screw you guys!" (Cartman) " " (Silent Bob)
In article , Mr Psycho (Mr Psycho) writes:
You can read them all at www.fanfiction.net. :-)
The Canadian Beanfield War By Mr. Dead
[Warnings, song, and titles.]
[Ext. view, the bus stop. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman are all already there.]
STAN: Dude, I am totally excited!
KYLE: Yeah! I can�t believe Kenny is actually going to go to school without his hood on!
CARTMAN: Hey, you guys? Why isn�t Kenny going to wear his hood?
KYLE: Because, dumbass, it�s class picture day and Kenny wanted to do something different this year.
STAN: You know, I�m not sure I�ve ever even seen Kenny without his hood.
CARTMAN: Yeah...Ah wonder what he looks like...
KYLE: Shut up! Here he comes!
[Kenny walks up to Stan, Kyle, and Cartman.]
KENNY: Mmm mmmm, mmmm mm?
STAN, KYLE, AND CARTMAN: Hey, Kenny.
CARTMAN: So, Kenny, are you gonna take off you hood now, or what?
KENNY: Mmmm.
[Kenny reaches for his hood. Shot of Stan, Kyle, and Cartman huddled close together with their eyes wide open and their mouths hanging wide open.]
KYLE: Holy sh*t!
[Shot of Kenny from the back. The camera begins to revolve around him but, just before we get to see his face, the screen erupts into loud static.]
ANNOUNCER: We interrupt this program to bring you loud static! And now...Terrance...Phillip...Canada�s hottest action stars in the HBC Movie of the Week: The Canadian Beanfield War. Based on a true story.
[Ext. view, Terrance and Phillip�s house.]
PHILLIP: Oh, Terrance?
[Int. view, Terrance and Phillip�s living room. Terrance is wearing a chicken costume.]
TERRANCE: Yes, Phillip?
PHILLIP: Is there any more Kroft Dinner left? I am ravaged by hunger and fear that I may never see another day due to death by starvation!
TERRANCE: Let me look for a moment, Farmer Phillip.
[He gets off the couch and begins scratching around like a chicken.]
TERRANCE: No, I don�t think we do, Phillip. Wait! I know! Would you like me to try to lay an egg for you?
PHILLIP: Oh, Terrance, you have always been such a good friend to me! Yes, I would like an egg, Terrance.
TERRANCE: Terrific! Just one moment.
[He squats on the floor.]
TERRANCE: Ungh...wait...hnnng...I�ve almost got it out.
[He farts. They both start laughing.]
PHILLIP: Terrance! You pretended to lay an egg and you farted!
TERRANCE: I did, didn�t I?
[They continue laughing.]
PHILLIP: Well, we could always go to Karl�s Kroft Dinner Palace!
TERRANCE: Oh, yes! Let�s go to Karl�s Kroft Dinner Palace!
[The doorbell rings.]
PHILLIP: I�ll get it!
[He goes to the door and opens it to reveal a messenger.]
MESSENGER: Special delivery for Terrance and Phillip.
PHILLIP: I�ll take it.
MESSENGER: Sign here, and here, and here, and here...and here.
[Phillip signs there, and there, and there, and there...and there.]
MESSENGER: (Holding out his hand, waiting for a tip.) Ahem.
PHILLIP: Oh, yes. I almost forgot!
[He farts on the messenger. The messenger leaves and Phillip closes the door.]
PHILLIP: Oh, Terrance! We got a letter!
TERRANCE: A letter! What does it say, Farmer Phillip?
[Phillip opens the letter.]
PHILLIP: Oh my God!
TERRANCE: What is it, Phillip? Did that messenger fart before he left?
PHILLIP: No! It�s a letter from the government! They say we owe them seven years of taxes and if we don�t pay them in two days, they are going to repossess everything we own!
TERRANCE: Phillip?
PHILLIP: Yes, Terrance?
TERRANCE: Why didn�t we pay our taxes again?
PHILLIP: Because it�s too damned expensive. Oh, fate! Oh, tragedy! How you mock me! Here I stand starving and now I have no money to go to Karl�s Kroft Dinner Palace! Who could have done such a thing?
[Ext. view, Scott�s house.]
SCOTT: My plan is working perfectly!
[Int. view, Scott�s war room.]
SCOTT: Now that Terrance and Phillip are without any money, they will become homeless, stinky people. They will be mocked and ridiculed by all wherever they go. They will have no choice but to stop farting to conserve body heat just to live. They have no idea that I found their tax records and reported them. I�ve got you now, you fart-loving fart lovers.
[Dramatic chord and cut to commercial.]
[Ext. view, Terrance and Phillip�s house. The windows are broken out, the lawn is in dire need of mowing, and part of the door is missing.]
[Int. view, Terrance and Phillip�s living room. They are sitting on the couch, which is coming apart. Both of them are fairly haggard.]
PHILLIP: I can�t believe we�ve become destitute, Terrance. We�ve nothing to live for any longer and it�s only been 45 minutes since we got the news.
[He farts weakly and shivers. Both of them give half-hearted laughs.]
TERRANCE: I think I have an idea, Phillip!
PHILLIP: What is it, Terrance?
TERRANCE: Well, we need food and money. So, we�ll start a bean farm!
PHILLIP: That�s brilliant, Terrance! We can eat all the beans we want and sell the leftovers for the money to pay our taxes! But we need money to start, Terrance, and we have none.
TERRANCE: Not to worry, chum! I�ve got a friend who can help us!
PHILLIP: Fantastic, Terrance! Who is this friend of yours?
[Ext. view, a house with the initials �M.J.F.� on it. Terrance and Phillip walk up the sidewalk to the house. Terrance rings the doorbell. A small man, who looks like Ike but with a grown up head, answers the door.]
MAN: Yes? Terrance! You wonderful bastard! How have you been?
TERRANCE: Not so good, Michael J. Fox.
MICHAEL J. FOX: Really? What�s all the trouble aboot?
TERRANCE: Michael J. Fox, we are in need of money to start a bean farm so that we can pay our back taxes to the government or they will take everything from us.
MICHAEL J. FOX: Sure, Terrance! Anything for a fellow Canadian!
[Michael J. Fox, Terrance, and Phillip all start sing �O Canada." Other people wander into the yard and sing along with them.]
MICHAEL J. FOX: Here�s one million American dollars; bean farms are expensive.
PHILLIP: Why American dollars?
MICHAEL J. FOX: Because, unfortunately, our Canadian money is worthless, even to Canadians.
TERRANCE: Thank you, Michael J. Fox! How can I ever repay you?
MICHAEL J. FOX: Just sell all the beans you can and get yourself out of debt!
[Terrance and Phillip start walking down the sidewalk. As they are leaving, Michael J. Fox rips a huge fart, considering his small stature. All three laugh hysterically.]
[Ext. view, Scott�s house.]
[Int. view, Scott�s war room. There is an empty desk with a map of Terrance and Phillip�s house on it with little plastic soldiers all around it. Scott is nowhere to be seen. The phone rings.]
SCOTT: (Off screen.) Goddammit! Why does the phone always have to ring when I�m on the toilet!?
[Flushing sound. Scott runs into view and answers the phone.]
SCOTT: Hello, this is Scott speaking. Yes. Yes. They�ve what!? How can this be? Those sons-of-bitches, I�ll get them if it�s the last thing I do. They�ll rue the day they f*cked with Scott from Canada!
[Slams down the phone.]
SCOTT: So, Terrance and Phillip, you�ve opened a bean farm, eh? Very clever. But I�ll destroy you both soon enough.
[Ext. view of Terrance and Phillip�s house. Terrance and Phillip are in the front yard where they have built a �bean stand� with a sign that says �All the Beans You Can Eat -- $3.00!� There are quite a few people coming to their stand. Of course, there are multiple farting sounds going on the whole time.]
PHILLIP: People really seem to like our beans, Terrance!
TERRANCE: They sure do, Phillip, and we owe it all to Michael J. Fox!
[Cut to a tree in the yard. Scott is hiding behind it with a walkie-talkie in his hand.]
SCOTT: (Whispering.) Yes, they�re in place. Commence with the plan!
[Cut back to the bean stand. Suddenly, aboot six ninjas jump out of nowhere and begin waving their hands at Terrance and Phillip.]
TERRANCE: These pajama men certainly have an odd way of asking for beans, Phillip.
PHILLIP: Yes, I wonder if they�re begging for food?
[Scott walks onto the scene.]
SCOTT: You idiots! It�s not working at all! They�re not getting head cancer! Get the Hell out of here before I become angered and kill all of you with this walkie-talkie!
[The ninjas leave dejectedly.]
TERRANCE: Hello, Scott! Would you like some beans? Phillip and I grew them ourselves.
SCOTT: You son-of-a-bitch, you think you�ve beaten me! Well, I�ll find a way to annihilate you and your bean stand, you f*cking fart mongers!
PHILLIP: Hey, Scott?
SCOTT: What?
[Phillip farts. Terrance and Phillip both laugh.]
SCOTT: You bastard! I�ll be back!
[Scott leaves.]
PHILLIP: Terrance, why does Scott always try to ruin our plans?
TERRANCE: I don�t know, Phillip. Maybe he�s anti-Semitic.
PHILLIP: But, Terrance, we�re not Jewish and, besides, there are no Jews in Canada.
[Scott sneaks up behind Terrance and Phillip and sets up a portable stereo.]
SCOTT: (Whispering.) Let�s see you survive this, you fart eaters.
[Scott puts a pair of ear plugs in his ears, puts a tape in the stereo, pushes play, and runs away. The Celine Dion song from �Titanic� begins playing. People start running away from the bean stand screaming. Those who cannot run away, stab themselves in the head with their forks. Terrance and Phillip cover their ears.]
PHILLIP: (Shouting.) Holy crap, Terrance! What the Hell is this!?
TERRANCE: (Shouting.) It�s Celine Dion�s song from that film aboot how to drown in very cold water!
[A riot squad runs in and smashes the stereo. They put Terrance and Phillip in handcuffs and arrest them.]
CAPTAIN: You are under arrest for playing that Celine Dion song in a public place, causing mass suicide, and conspiracy to commit acts of jaywalking.
TERRANCE: I don�t understand. We didn�t set up that crap; we�ve been set up!
PHILLIP: Yes, we�re innocent!
CAPTAIN: You are part of a rebel alliance and traitors. Take them away!
[Ext. view, Canadian Jail.]
[Int. view, Canadian Jail. Terrance and Phillip are in a jail cell.]
PHILLIP: Terrance? How did that song get played at our bean stand? Did you play it just because you used to be married to Celine Dion and hoped that by playing it that you could win her back?
TERRANCE: No, chum. I don�t think I can ever forgive her for sleeping with Ugly Bob. Wait!
PHILLIP: What is it, Terrance, did you fart?
TERRANCE: No, it�s not that�but I did.
[They both laugh.]
TERRANCE: We get a phone call, right?
PHILLIP: We sure do! Let�s call Karl�s Kroft Dinner Palace and see if they will deliver here!
TERRANCE: Yes! We can do that, too! But first we need to call Celine Dion. Maybe she can explain to the police that we are innocent! Oh, guard?
GUARD: What do you want?
TERRANCE: We want to make our telephone calls now.
GUARD: Alright. This way.
[He opens the cell and leads Terrance and Phillip to a pay phone where he gives them each a quarter.]
GUARD: Just make it quick.
[Terrance puts his quarter in the phone and dials. The phone rings a few times. Cut to Celine Dion�s answering machine.]
CELINE DION: (On answering machine.) Hello. This is Celine Dion. I can�t come the phone right now so leave me a message after the beep.
[Cut back to the jail. Terrance hangs up the phone.]
PHILLIP: What did Celine Dion have to say, Terrance?
TERRANCE: She wasn�t home. I wonder where she could be?
[Ext. view, Celine Dion�s house. Celine Dion is looking out one of her top windows and smoking a cigarette.]
[Int. view, Celine Dion�s room.]
CELINE DION: It�s only a matter of time, Ugly Bob. The villagers are on their way.
[Ext. view, Celine Dion�s yard. There is a big unruly mob of angry villagers marching up to her front door, carrying torches and signs that read �Sink the Titanic song!� Some of them are carrying a battering ram.]
CELINE DION: We must make our stand here. Give them the lead!
[Ugly Bob opens another window and pours molten lead onto the villagers below.]
UGLY BOB: It�s not stopping them, Celine Dion! What in God�s name shall we do now?
CELINE DION: Come here, Ugly Bob!
[Ugly Bob walks over to the window Celine Dion is standing at. She pulls the paper bag off of his head and leans him out of the window so that he is looking down on the mob below.]
MAN: My God! Look at the hideous wretchedness! My eyes are melting!
[The mob starts screaming and runs away.]
[Cut back to the jail.]
PHILLIP: I�ll bet she�s sleeping with Ugly Bob again.
TERRANCE: Shut your ass, Phillip.
[Phillip farts.]
PHILLIP: I wish I could, Terrance!
[They laugh.]
PHILLIP: Oh, guard? Might I have another quarter? I really need to make two calls, please?
GUARD: Why not? You�re both going to be put to death in the gas chamber for playing that song in a public place. Here.
[He gives Phillip another quarter.]
PHILLIP: Thank you.
[He farts on the guard. Phillip puts one of his quarters into the phone.]
PHILLIP: Hello? Karl�s Kroft Dinner Palace? Do you deliver to the Canadian Jail? Terrific! We need two Kroft dinners right away. Thank you!
[He hangs up and puts his last quarter into the phone and dials.]
[Cut to Scott�s house. The phone rings.]
SCOTT: Hello?
PHILLIP: Scott! You�re a smelly bastard!
SCOTT: Damn you, Phillip! Damn you to Hell!
PHILLIP: Could you hold on, Scott? There are some other people who want to use the phone.
SCOTT: Sure.
[Terrance and Phillip fart into the phone.]
PHILLIP: That was the Tulip twins! They say hello!
SCOTT: You son-of-a-bitch! I�ll show you what�s funny! I�ll�
PHILLIP: Bye, Scott.
[He hangs up.]
GUARD: Time to go back to your cell.
[He leads them back to the cell.]
GUARD: And no funny business!
[The guard walks away.]
TERRANCE: Well, while we�re waiting for our Kroft dinner, let�s look for treasure!
PHILLIP: Yes! Let�s look for treasure!
[The �Looking for Treasure� music plays. Terrance and Phillip find all kinds of files, lock picks, shovels, manuals on how to escape from jail, etc.]
TERRANCE: Well, there�s nothing here worth keeping. What will we do until our Kroft dinner arrives?
PHILLIP: We could discuss Nietzsche.
TERRANCE: Oh yes! Let�s discuss Nietzsche. I�ll begin.
[He farts. The guard walks back in.]
GUARD: You two have a couple of visitors.
[Barky and Purry walk in.]
TERRANCE: Hello, Barky. Hello, Purry.
BARKY: Bark bark.
PURRY: Purr purr.
[Barky and Purry leave, farting as the do so. Terrance and Phillip erupt into enormous laughter.]
PHILLIP: That sure was fun, Terrance.
TERRANCE: It sure was, Phillip. Say, Phillip, we�ve been in jail for two hours and they�ve sentenced us to the gas chamber. How will we ever pay our taxes now?
PHILLIP: Maybe Celine Dion and your bastard daughter, Sally, will come and visit us when she learns that you are in jail.
TERRANCE: I suppose we can only hope.
[Scott walks into the cellblock.]
TERRANCE: Oh look, Phillip! It�s Scott! Hello, Scott! How are you?
SCOTT: Don�t play your games with me, you imbecile! You two are finally going to pay for you crimes against Canada! It will be a pleasure watching you both die in the gas chamber!
PHILLIP: Gas chamber?
[Terrance and Phillip burst into laughter.]
SCOTT: Why the Hell are you two morons laughing? Don�t you realize you�re going to die in an awful, horrible, and highly entertaining way?
[Terrance and Phillip stop laughing.]
TERRANCE: We�re going to die?
SCOTT: Yes! And I�ll see you both in Hell!
[Scott leaves.]
PHILLIP: Boy, Terrance, Scott sure is a dick!
[Cut to commercial.]
[Ext. view, Canadian Jail.]
[Int. view, Terrance and Phillip�s cell.]
[The guard walks in again.]
GUARD: You two have a delivery.
TERRANCE: It must be our Kroft dinner, Phillip!
PHILLIP: I sure am hungry, Terrance!
TERRANCE: Here, here!
[A Karl�s Kroft Dinner Palace deliveryman enters the cellblock.]
DELIVERYMAN: I have two Kroft dinners for Terrance and Phillip?
TERRANCE: I�ll get them!
DELIVERYMAN: Sign here, and here, and here, and here...and here.
[Terrance signs there, and there, and there, and there...and there.]
PHILLIP: Now to enjoy our Kroft dinner!
DELIVERYMAN: (Holding out his hand, expecting a tip.) Ahem.
TERRANCE: Oh, yes! Here you are! We don�t need these!
[Terrance hands the delivery man some of the lock picks, shovels, files, manuals on how to escape from jail, etc. The deliveryman leaves. The camera follows him for a while.]
GUARD: Hey! What do you have there?
[He searches the deliveryman.]
GUARD: (Holding up the items that make up the deliveryman�s tip.) And just what are these?
DELIVERYMAN: It�s my tip. That guy in there said they don�t need them.
GUARD: Aha! You were trying to smuggle in things that could break them out of jail, weren�t you! Well, I caught you, you smelly bastard!
[He pulls out his nightstick.]
[Cut back to the jail cell. Terrance and Phillip are eating their Kroft dinners. We can hear sounds of a horrific beating outside the cell.]
PHILLIP: Say, Terrance? Do you suppose that these Kroft dinners will be our final meal?
TERRANCE: I don�t know, Phillip, but, if they are, I�m glad that our last meal was Kroft dinner and that we lived in Canada!
PHILLIP: To Canada, Terrance!
TERRANCE: To Canada, Phillip!
[They both take big bites of their Kroft dinners and start singing �O Canada.� However, due to their full mouths, there is Kroft dinner flying in every direction while they are singing. The guards and other prisoners in the jail begin singing along.]
PHILLIP: Uh-oh, Terrance. I think that Kroft dinner might make me fart!
TERRANCE: Well, don�t fart on me!
[Phillip farts right on Terrance.]
TERRANCE: Oh! You are such an asshole, Phillip!
PHILLIP: I sure am, Terrance!
[They start laughing again. The guard comes back into the cellblock. He has several large bloodstains on him from the beating he gave the deliveryman. He also happens to be carrying a package.]
GUARD: This package is for you two assholes.
[He throws the packaged into the cell.]
TERRANCE: Look, Phillip! A package for us!
PHILLIP: I wonder who it could be from?
[Terrance opens the package and pulls out a letter, two pairs of ear plugs, a portable stereo, and a tape.]
TERRANCE: Phillip! It�s a letter from Celine Dion!
PHILLIP: What does it say? [As Terrance is reading the letter aloud, we hear Celine Dion reading the letter.]
CELINE DION: (Voice over.) Dear Terrance and Phillip, I am sorry I was not able to answer your call. The number on my caller ID said it was from the Canadian Jail and I knew that you were the only people I know who would be in jail. Oh, Ugly Bob says hello.
UGLY BOB: (Voice over.) Hi, guys!
TERRANCE AND PHILLIP: Shut up, Ugly Bob!
CELINE DION: (Voice over.) I know that you were wrongfully accused and I want to help you but my house is under siege by angry villagers and I cannot be there myself. I have enclosed a stereo, a tape, and two pairs of earplugs. But sure that you put the ear plugs in before you play the tape! Love, Celine Dion.
PHILLIP: God bless you, Celine Dion!
TERRANCE: Oh, wait there�s more on the back!
CELINE DION: (Voice over.) PS I�ve attached a picture of my and Ugly Bob�s child.
[Terrance holds up a photo of a baby with a brown paper bag on its head with eyeholes cut out of it.]
PHILLIP: What is that hideous child!?
TERRANCE: Goddamn you, Ugly Bob!
PHILLIP: Well, Terrance, I think we should make our escape right now.
TERRANCE: You�re right, Phillip. Oh, guard?
[The guard comes back again.]
GUARD: What the Hell do you want now, you sons-of-bitches!?
TERRANCE: We�re sorry we have to do this to you.
PHILLIP: Yes, please forgive us for what we are aboot to do.
GUARD: What are you talking aboot?
[Terrance and Phillip put in their earplugs. Terrance picks up the stereo, puts the tape in, cranks the volume, and presses play. Celine Dion�s Titanic song starts playing.]
GUARD: What are you doing!? Stop! Please, I beg of you!
[The guard�s skin melts off his body until there is nothing left but a skeleton in a uniform.]
PHILLIP: (Shouting.) Well, we should be on our way now, Terrance. I�ll get his keys.
[Phillip reaches through the bars to get the guard�s key but he can�t reach.]
TERRANCE: (Shouting.) Oh fate, how you mock us! Whatever shall we do now, Phillip?
PHILLIP: (Shouting.) I don�t know Terrance, I just don�t know.
[He grabs hold of the door for support. It swings open.]
TERRANCE: (Shouting.) How do you like that, Phillip? The door was open the whole time!
[They walk out of the cell and into the office part of the jail. Cops are running all over the place trying to get away from the sound of Celine Dion�s Titanic song.]
PHILLIP: (Shouting.) It looks like they�re going to let us go, Terrance!
TERRANCE: Yes! We should leave this place right away!
[Int. view, Scott�s war room. The phone rings.]
SCOTT: Yes, this is Scott. What!? How did they escape! They used Celine Dion�s Titanic song!? Those ruthless bastards!
[He slams down the phone.]
SCOTT: I don�t know how you have managed to outsmart me again, Terrance and Phillip, but it will be the last time! You fart f*cking morons, you�ve won this battle but I will destroy you yet!
[Ext. view, Canadian street. Terrance and Phillip are walking through the street, with that damn Celine Dion song still playing. People are running away from them, cars are actually driving off of the road and slamming into trees rather than hear the song.]
PHILLIP: (Shouting.) Say, Terrance? What are supposed to do now that we have escaped from our captors for a crime we did not commit?
TERRANCE: (Shouting.) I don�t know, Phillip. Maybe we should ask some of these people to help us.
[Terrance tries to approach several people but they all meet some horrible doom due to the Celine Dion song.]
TERRANCE: (Shouting.) Dammit! It looks like everyone is running away from me, Phillip, and I didn�t even fart!
PHILLIP: (Shouting.) Hey, Terrance?
TERRANCE: (Shouting.) What is it, Phillip?
PHILLIP: (Shouting.) Maybe if we turn off that stereo people won�t run in terror from us?
TERRANCE: (Shouting.) Oh, yes! I hadn�t thought of that!
[Terrance turns off the stereo. Life on the quiet street returns to normal and people are friendly once again. Both of them remove their earplugs.]
PHILLIP: (Shouting.) That certainly is better, Terrance!
TERRANCE: Phillip?
PHILLIP: (Shouting.) Yes, Terrance?
TERRANCE: Why are you shouting so?
PHILLIP: (Shouting.) I think I have some excess gas built up inside of me, Terrance, and it is causing me to shout so.
[Phillip lets out a long and tormented sounding fart. There are also some gurgling sounds.]
PHILLIP: Oh, God! I think I crapped my pants!
[Terrance and Phillip both laugh. As they are laughing, we can see that there is indeed a brown puddle growing underneath Phillip.]
TERRANCE: Maybe we should try asking these people for help again, Phillip?
PHILLIP: Wonderful idea, Terrance!
[They walk up to an average looking Canadian man. Phillip is leaving a liquidy brown trail wherever he goes.]
PHILLIP: Excuse me, sir, but we were wondering...
MAN: Oh my God! Get away from me, you crap monkey!
[The man runs away.]
TERRANCE: I wonder what made him run away?
PHILLIP: Um, Terrance?
TERRANCE: Yes, old pal?
PHILLIP: Remember when I said I thought that I had crapped my pants?
TERRANCE: Do I ever, Phillip! That was quite funny!
PHILLIP: Yes, well, I think I really did crap my pants.
[Terrance looks at Phillip, then at the brown puddle forming underneath Phillip.]
TERRANCE: Well, I suppose we�ll have to go back home and fetch a clean pair of pants for you, Phillip!
PHILLIP: Oh, Terrance, you are such a good friend to me. Promise you�ll never leave my side?
TERRANCE: What if I see some Kroft dinner and want to leave your side?
PHILLIP: For Kroft dinner!? You�d better leave my side for Kroft dinner, you silly bastard!
[They burst into laughter.]
[Ext. view, Terrance and Phillip�s house. There are police barricades and that yellow tape everywhere. There is also a SWAT team guarding the scene of the crime. Terrance and Phillip are hiding behind the tree in their yard.]
PHILLIP: (Whispering.) Oh no, Terrance! What will we do? They have surrounded our house! Now I�ll never get to change my pants and my anus will itch for all eternity!
TERRANCE: (Whispering.) Oh, good! There�s Barky and Purry! Never fear, Phillip! I have a fiendish plan! Follow me!
[Terrance, with Phillip following, gets Barky and Purry and walks right up to the SWAT cop that is guarding the door.]
SWAT COP: How long have you had these animals?
PHILLIP: Aboot three or four seasons.
TERRANCE: They�re for sale, if you want them.
SWAT COP: Let me see your identification.
TERRANCE: You don�t need to see his identification.
SWAT COP: I don�t need to see your identification.
TERRANCE: He can go aboot his business.
SWAT COP: You can go aboot your business.
TERRANCE: Now, move along.
SWAT COP: Move along, move along.
[He waves Terrance and Phillip inside. Barky and Purry follow.]
[Int. view, Terrance and Phillip�s living room.]
PHILLIP: My God, Terrance! How did we ever get past that bacon-man out there? I thought we were dead for sure!
TERRANCE: I don�t know, Phillip! I saw it once in a movie aboot wars that took place in the stars. I think it was called �Fighting in Space.� Now, let�s fetch you some clean pants!
PHILLIP: Oh no, Terrance!
TERRANCE: What is it Phillip? Did you fart so hard that your intestines came out again?
PHILLIP: No, it�s not that...
[Phillip looks down to his stomach. There is an awful gurgling noise.]
PHILLIP: I think I may crap my pants again!
TERRANCE: You�d better use the toilet, Phillip!
PHILLIP: Spectacular idea, Terrance!
[Phillip walks over to a door, opens it, and steps inside. Terrance follows him. The camera stays outside of the door.]
PHILLIP: Terrance, do you remember when I said I wanted you to promise that you�d never leave my side?
TERRANCE: I sure do, Phillip! And I promise I never will!
PHILLIP: Well...get out.
[Terrance walks out of the bathroom and the door closes behind him. There are quite a few sounds of dead bolts being thrown, padlocks locked into place, etc.]
TERRANCE: Oh, Phillip?
PHILLIP: (Somewhat muffled.) Yes, Terrance?
TERRANCE: Are you almost finished in there?
PHILLIP: (Somewhat muffled.) No, I haven�t even started yet.
[Suddenly there is huge, but somewhat muffled, fart sound followed by gurgling sounds and some kind of liquid hitting water.]
PHILLIP: (Somewhat muffled.) I�m almost finished now.
[The �Looking for Treasure� music starts playing but it�s muffled.]
TERRANCE: Say, Phillip?
PHILLIP: (Somewhat muffled.) What, Terrance?
TERRANCE: What are you doing in there now?
PHILLIP: (Somewhat muffled.) I�m searching for treasure!
TERRANCE: You�re what?
PHILLIP: (Somewhat muffled.) I�m searching for treasure!
TERRANCE: In the bathroom, Phillip?
PHILLIP: (Somewhat muffled.) Yes! Remember that penny I swallowed yesterday?
[Cut to commercial.]
[Int. view, Terrance and Phillip�s living room. Terrance is sitting on the couch waiting for Phillip to return from getting a clean pair of pants.]
TERRANCE: I wonder what�s taking Phillip so long. I�ve been sitting here for what seems like minutes!
[Barky and Purry run in, fighting. However, they aren�t fighting by biting and scratching; they�re fighting by farting on each other. Terrance laughs.]
TERRANCE: Phillip! You must come see this!
[Terrance is laughing so hard that he doesn�t see Barky and Purry stop fighting and leave. Phillip enters, wearing his clean pants.]
PHILLIP: What is it, Terrance?
TERRANCE: (Still laughing.) Barky and Purry are farting on each other!
PHILLIP: No, they�re not.
[Terrance stops laughing abruptly.]
TERRANCE: They�re not?
PHILLIP: No, you stupid dick! They�re not even here!
TERRANCE: Are you sure, Phillip?
PHILLIP: I think so, Terrance.
TERRANCE: Oh. Well, we�ve got to get back to selling beans so we can pay our taxes!
PHILLIP: Yes! But we can�t stay here and sell them!
TERRANCE: I have an idea!
PHILLIP: No, you don�t, Terrance.
TERRANCE: I don�t?
PHILLIP: No, I do. We must somehow move our bean farm and our bean stand away from our house.
TERRANCE: I know! Let�s use the semi!
PHILLIP: Yes! Let�s use the semi!
[Ext. view, Terrance and Phillip�s back yard. There is a large tractor-trailer with the entire bean farm loaded onto the flatbed it�s pulling. There is also a pickup truck that says �OVERSIZED LOAD� on it.]
PHILLIP: Are you ready to go, Terrance?
TERRANCE: I sure am, Phillip! Hey, Phillip?
PHILLIP: Yes, Terrance?
TERRANCE: Where are we taking the bean farm anyway?
PHILLIP: Hmmm...I hadn�t thought of that yet!
TERRANCE: How aboot Michael J. Fox�s house?
PHILLIP: No, I don�t think he�ll want a bean farm at his house.
[Ext. view, Michael J. Fox�s house. There is a huge banner on the front that reads �WELCOME, TERRANCE AND PHILLIP�S BEAN FARM!�. Michael J. Fox is just standing around outside.]
MICHAEL J. FOX: I wonder where those guys are?
[Cut back to Terrance and Phillip�s back yard.]
PHILLIP: I�ve got it!
TERRANCE: Is it gas, Phillip?
PHILLIP: No, not this time. We�ll take our bean farm to my old girlfriend�s house!
TERRANCE: Terrific, Phillip!
[Ext. view, Scott�s house.]
[Int. view, Scott war room. The phone rings and Scott answers.]
SCOTT: This is Scott. They returned to their house? Excellent! Send all your men to...what!? What to you mean they left? With the bean farm? Goddammit!
[He slams down the phone.]
SCOTT: They�ve gone mad! How could they go there!? This is sheer insanity!
[Ext. view, a house with the initials �A.M.� on it. Terrance and Phillip pull up in the semi and the pick up, respectively.]
TERRANCE: Hey, Phillip, why were all of those cars swerving off the road whilst we were driving here?
PHILLIP: I don�t know, Terrance. Maybe they smelled my new cologne and were so entranced by its aroma that they lost all control? Would you like to smell my new cologne, Terrance?
TERRANCE: I sure would, Phillip!
[Phillip farts and they both laugh.]
PHILLIP: I call it �Ode d�Ass�!
TERRANCE: Ode d�Ass burns my nose.
[They walk up the sidewalk and Phillip rings the doorbell. A woman screams from inside the house.]
WOMAN: (Somewhat muffled, but still easy to hear.) Coming!
TERRANCE: Um...Phillip?
PHILLIP: Yes, Terrance?
TERRANCE: Is she in some sort of danger that calls for us to make a dashing and heroic entrance to save her life?
PHILLIP: No, she�s like this a lot of the time.
TERRANCE: Oh.
[The woman opens the door.]
WOMAN: Yes? Phillip, is that you?
PHILLIP: Hello, Alanis Morissette. You�re looking well.
ALANIS MORISETTE: And you. What brings you here?
PHILLIP: We need to ask you a favor, Alanis Morissette.
ALANIS MORISETTE: What is it, Phillip?
PHILLIP: Alanis Morissette, could we put our bean farm here at your house?
ALANIS MORISETTE: What aboot Michael J. Fox?
[Ext. view, Michael J. Fox�s house. The banner is up still and there is a catering van in the driveway. There are caterers setting up.]
MICHAEL J. FOX: Just set that over there, guys. Where the Hell are Terrance and Phillip?
[Cut back to Alanis Morissette�s house.]
PHILLIP: We don�t think he would want the bean farm there.
ALANIS MORISETTE: Anything for you, Phillip. Phillip?
PHILLIP: Yes, Alanis Morissette?
ALANIS MORISETTE: Do you remember when we used to go to the theater?
PHILLIP: I sure do, Alanis Morissette!
ALANIS MORISETTE: Wasn�t that fun?
PHILLIP: I�ll say! I�ve never had that much fun at the theater ever since!
TERRANCE: What did you do at the theater that was so much fun?
PHILLIP AND ALANIS MORISETTE: (Smiling to each other.) Nothing.
[Int. view, Scott�s war room. Scott is playing with his plastic soldiers and a couple of toys that look like Terrance and Phillip.]
SCOTT: (Trying to sound like Terrance.) I sure hope those soldiers don�t kill us, Phillip!
SCOTT: (Trying to sound like Phillip.) You said it, Terrance!
[He puts the flame-thrower soldier by Terrance and Phillip and makes some really bad fire sound effects.]
SCOTT: (Trying to sound like Terrance.) Ahhhh! I farted just as he lit me on fire and now the flames are rushing through my colon!
SCOTT: Yes! Yes! Die you fart loving assholes! Burn in Hell! Ahahahaha!
[The phone rings and Scott answers.]
SCOTT: Ahahahahahahaha! I mean, hello? Yes, this is Scott. Where have they gone!? You�re sure about this? Goddammit! Not there! No. Escape is not their plan; I must face them alone.
[He hangs up.]
SCOTT: Your asses belong to me now, Terrance and Phillip.
[Ext. view, Alanis Morissette�s house. Terrance and Phillip have set up the bean stand again in her front yard. There are a great deal of people coming to have some of Terrance and Phillip�s beans, and, of course, farting.]
MAN: My God! These beans are delicious! What is your secret?
TERRANCE: We know what the bean-eating public wants because we are the bean-eating public!
PHILLIP: Hey, Terrance! I think we�ve almost gotten enough money to pay our taxes!
TERRANCE: Terrific, Phillip!
ALANIS MORISSETTE: How much do you owe, anyway?
PHILLIP: Ten American Dollars!
ALANIS MORISSETTE: That�s it? Why didn�t you just borrow it from Michael J. Fox?
[Scott walks up in a very fake disguise, a red hood and cape.]
SCOTT: (Trying to sound like a woman.) Excuse me, kind sirs?
TERRANCE: Oh, look, Phillip! It�s a Cardinal Scout!
PHILLIP: Hello, Cardinal Scott! We would like 3 dozen boxes of Boston Baked Bean Cookies, please?
ALANIS MORISSETTE: I don�t think she�s a Cardinal Scout.
SCOTT: (Voice changing back to normal for a moment.) What are you talking aboot!?
TERRANCE: Well, what is she then, Alanis Morissette?
ALANIS MORISSETTE: She�s Little Red Riding Hood, of course!
PHILLIP: Oh, yes! I�m sorry Miss Riding Hood! We didn�t recognize you without your picnic basket!
SCOTT: (Trying to sound like a woman.) Um, yes. You see, uh, that�s why I, uh, came here. You see...
TERRANCE: Oh, Miss Riding Hood? Would you sign this can of beans for me?
SCOTT: (Trying to sound like a woman.) Uh, okay.
[He signs the can of beans.]
TERRANCE: Oh, glorious day! Phillip! We have gotten the autograph of one of the world�s most famous pieces of wolf food!
PHILLIP: This truly is a glorious day, Terrance!
SCOTT: (Trying to sound like a woman.) Um, my grandfather...mother! Mother! Grandmother! is very ill and I, uh, would like to take her some of your, uh, beans to, um, help speed her recovery.
TERRANCE: This fabulous, Phillip!
PHILLIP: It sure is, Terrance! Not only have we gotten the autograph of one of the world�s most famous pieces of wolf food but she�s also buying some our beans as well!
TERRANCE: God bless you, Little Red Riding Hood!
[Phillip gives Scott some beans. Scott walks a few feet away and pretends to eat some beans.]
SCOTT: (Trying to sound like a woman.) Oh! My stomach! It hurts so much! I think I�m aboot to...to...
[Scott makes a sound like he�s throwing up and dumps out his beans, and some other pre-digested food he�s brought with him, onto the ground.]
SCOTT: (Trying to sound like a woman and yelling.) Everyone! Everyone! Did you see that? I ate some of their beans it made me throw up! Stop buying their beans! They�re poison!
[The people at Terrance and Phillip�s bean stand gather around gasping and muttering amongst themselves.]
TERRANCE: Hey! Wait a minute! You said those beans were for your ill grandmother! Why did you eat them?
PHILLIP: That�s right, Terrance! You got what you deserved, you bean thief!
ALANIS MORISSETTE: Let�s roast her onion!
SCOTT: Enough!
[He throws off the hood and cape.]
SCOTT: You fools! Can�t you see what Terrance and Phillip are doing here!? They�re trying to destroy our Canadian culture by getting you all to eat beans and fart thereby causing an increase in the methane gas in our atmosphere. When there is enough methane gas in our atmosphere, the Earth will become like a greenhouse, trapping in heat and not releasing enough back into space! We will all die because of Terrance and Phillip! Is that what you want!?
MAN: But the beans are so delicious.
[The crowd all murmur in agreement.]
SCOTT: It does not matter! What does matter is that Terrance and Phillip must be destroyed once and for all! We must tie them to a tree, shoot them several times, have them ripped into small pieces, and their bodies burned.
PHILLIP: You know something, Terrance? I�m beginning to think that Scott had something to do with our tax problem!
TERRANCE: And I�ll bet that he was the one responsible for that f*cking Celine Dion song that put us in jail!
SCOTT: Of course, it was me, you idiots! Who else would spend so much time planning your downfall, the government? Ha! Every time �the government� comes down on you, it�s really just someone like me who�s got it in for you!
[Phillip whispers something to Alanis Morissette.]
ALANIS MORISETTE: You�ve got it, Phillip!
[She goes inside.]
SCOTT: Where the Hell does she think she�s going?
TERRANCE: Hey, Scott?
SCOTT: What the Hell do you want, you asshole!?
[Terrance farts. Terrance and Phillip start laughing and farting uncontrollably.]
SCOTT: Goddammit! Cut that out! That is so immature! Stop it I say!
[Ext. view, Michael J. Fox�s house. The banner is still up, there is a huge spread of food, there is a stage built on the yard, and a great deal of people are gathering on the lawn.]
MICHAEL J. FOX: Everyone, I could have your attention, please? It seems that Terrance and Phillip�s bean farm won�t be coming here after all.
[The crowd groans in disappointment.]
MICHAEL J. FOX: But as a consolation we have...
ASSISTANT: Mr. J. Fox, sir?
MICHAEL J. FOX: What is it?
ASSISTANT: Telephone for you, sir.
MICHAEL J. FOX: Thank you, Snivelle. Hello? Yes, this is Michael J. Fox. They are!? We�ll be right there!
[He hangs up the phone.]
MICHAEL J. FOX: Everyone, I have a very important announcement to make...
[Ext. view, Alanis Morissette�s house. Terrance and Phillip have been tied to a tree in the front yard. Scott is standing by with a match.]
SCOTT: Maybe this will teach you two that farting is not funny!
TERRANCE: You are such a dick, Scott!
SCOTT: You�re a dick!
TERRANCE: You�re a dick!
SCOTT: You�re a dick!
TERRANCE: You�re a dick!
SCOTT: You�re a dick!
TERRANCE: You�re a dick!
SCOTT: I hope you know that one fart from you and you�ll be burnt to a crisp as the fire uses the methane from your farts as a fuel!
TERRANCE: Well, it looks like we�re done for, Phillip!
PHILLIP: It sure does, Terrance! Well, if we must die, it�s best that we die in Canada.
TERRANCE: You�re right, Phillip! Scott, may we have one last request?
SCOTT: What the Hell is it!?
PHILLIP: After our bodies have been reduced to ash, please bury us with a side of Kroft dinner?
SCOTT: Well, I don�t suppose it would hurt anyth...
[There is a rumbling that is getting louder and louder.]
SCOTT: What the Hell is that?
[Camera turns to look down the street. We can here Richard Wagner�s �Ride of the Valkyries� getting louder and louder. When it is at its loudest, a monster truck with Michael J. Fox inside it jumps over the hill followed by hundreds of Canadians, in slow motion.]
PHILLIP: She did it, Terrance! Alanis Morissette got through to Michael J. Fox!
TERRANCE: We�re saved!
SCOTT: No! No! This can�t be happening! I am so close to destroying Terrance and Phillip for all time!
[The hundreds of Canadian trample over Scott to get to the bean farm. Farts and money are flying everywhere. Michael J. Fox cuts Terrance and Phillip free with a knife that is about twice his size.]
TERRANCE: Thank you, Michael J. Fox! Without your help Phillip and I surely would have perished!
MICHAEL J. FOX: You�re welcome, Terrance. Hey, why didn�t you guys just come to my house?
PHILLIP: We didn�t think that you would want a bean farm on your property so we came here.
MICHAEL J. FOX: But all of my planning went to waste!
ALANIS MORISSETTE: Here, have some beans!
[She gives Michael J. Fox some beans. He eats them and farts. Everyone laughs.]
SCOTT: Uh...goddamn you, Terrance and Phillip! You haven�t heard the last of me!
ALANIS MORISSETTE: You need some beans, too!
SCOTT: No! No! Keep them away from me1
[Alanis Morissette force-feeds the beans to Scott.]
SCOTT: Say! These beans are pretty tasty. Wait. What is this sensation I feel? It feels like a balloon expanding in my colon! No! No! It can�t be! Noooooooooooo!
[Scott farts and passes out.]
TERRANCE: Jesus Christ, Scott! That sure was a stinky one!
[Everyone laughs!]
PHILLIP: Well, Terrance, it looks like we�re going to be able to pay our taxes and keep our bean farm!
TERRANCE: This is the happiest day of my life, Phillip!
PHILLIP: Same here, Terrance!
ALANIS MORISSETTE: Say, Phillip, would you like to go to the theater with me?
[Phillip gets a great big goofy smile on his face.]
PHILLIP: I sure would, Alanis Morissette!
MICHAEL J. FOX: Only in Canada!
ALANIS MORISSETTE: Only in Canada!
TERRANCE: In Canada, Phillip!
PHILLIP: In Canada, Terrance!
[Everyone starts singing �O Canada� in a grand finale.]
[Closing credits and song.]
Cartman Die(t)s By Mr. Dead
[Warnings, song, and titles.]
[Ext. view, Cartman's house.]
[Int. view, Cartman's kitchen. Cartman is sitting at the table eating breakfast like a pig. Naturally, everything on the table is extremely fattening.]
MRS. CARTMAN: Would you like some more chocolate bacon rolls, Hon?
CARTMAN: Yeah! And, uh, Mom?
MRS. CARTMAN: Yes, dear?
CARTMAN: Could Ah have some more double cheese pancake omelets with marshmallow sauce?
MRS. CARTMAN: Sure, Hon!
[Mrs. Cartman exits to get Cartman's food.]
CARTMAN: Sweet.
[Int. view, Cartman's bathroom. He is on a stool at the sink. He has his toothbrush out, ready to brush his teeth.]
CARTMAN: (Yelling.) Mom?
MRS. CARTMAN: (Off screen.) What is it, Eric?
CARTMAN: (Yelling.) Do Ah hafta brush mah teeth? It totally sucks ass!
MRS. CARTMAN: (Off screen.) What have I told you about not brushing your teeth now, Eric?
CARTMAN: (Yelling.) Little boys who don't brush their teeth always end up getting their fireman chopped off in prison or become gay homosexuals.
MRS. CARTMAN: (Off screen.) That's right, honey. Now brush your teeth like a good boy!
CARTMAN: (Under his breath.) Weak.
[Cartman gets out the toothpaste and looks around. He looks at the toilet, smiles, takes the cap off the toothpaste, walks over to the toilet, and empties the entire tube into the toilet.]
CARTMAN: Eh, Mr. Hankey needs to brush his teeth anyway.
[Flushes the toilet and goes back to the sink.]
CARTMAN: Mom! We're all out of toothpaste! Now Ah can't brush mah teeth!
MRS. CARTMAN: (Off screen.) Just look in the cabinet; you can use mine, honey!
CARTMAN: (Under his breath.) This is f*ckin' weak.
[He opens up the cabinet and we can see boxes of condoms, edible underwear, a can of whipped cream, etc., and a tube of toothpaste. Cartman grabs the can of whipped cream.]
CARTMAN: This'll do the job. Heh heh, Ah am a genius.
[He sprays some whipped cream on his toothbrush and begins brushing. When he is finished, he grabs the can of whipped cream, sticks the nozzle in his mouth, and starts taking huge hits of whipped cream from the can until it's empty.]
CARTMAN: Sweet.
[Ext. view, South Park Elementary.]
[Int. view, Cafeteria. Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny are all in line for lunch.]
KYLE: Hey, Stan, what's Chef serving for lunch today?
STAN: I think the menu said we're having Chef's Special Chili and chocolate frosted sugar crunch for desert.
[Cartman burps.]
CARTMAN: Chocolate frosted sugar crunch!? Kick ass!
STAN: Damn, Cartman! Don't you ever brush your teeth!?
CARTMAN: Ay! Ah'll have you know that Ah brush mah teeth everyday!
KYLE: With what, toilet water and ass nuggets?
KENNY: Mmmm mmmmn mmnmm mmm nmmm!
CARTMAN: Goddammit! Ah will kick you squa' in the nuts, you poor son-of-a-bitch!
KYLE: If your breath doesn't kill him first.
[Stan, Kyle, and Kenny laugh.]
CARTMAN: That's it! F*ck all of you! Ah'm not gonna take that sh*t from you assholes anymore!
[The kids move up in line to where Chef is.]
CHEF: Hello, children!
STAN, KYLE, KENNY, AND CARTMAN: Hey, Chef.
CHEF: How are my little crackers today?
STAN, KYLE, KENNY, AND CARTMAN: Fine.
KYLE: Except Cartman; his mouth smells like Skuzzlebutt took a crap in there and died on top of it!
CARTMAN: You just shut up or Ah will kick you in the nuts! Chef, are we really having chocolate frosted sugar crunch today?
CHEF: We sure are, children, and I've added a special treat to it -- I froze it!
KYLE: Why?
CHEF: Because then it's like ice cream and everyone likes ice cream.
STAN: Dude, why the Hell would we want ice cream!? Haven't you seen the three feet of snow on the ground?
CHEF: Well, if that's the way you feel about that, children, fudge ya. I'll give yours to the fat kid.
CARTMAN: Sweet! Ay! Waitaminute...Ah am not fat, Goddammit!
[Chef gives the kids their food and they go sit down.]
STAN: Dammit! What's with Chef!?
KYLE: Yeah! Why did he give fat-ass our desert!?
CARTMAN: Hmm, well, let's just see hya. Could it be because you guys are all hippies and hippies suck?
KENNY: Mmmm mmm mmmmmmmn.
STAN: You tell 'im, Kenny.
KYLE: Hey, Stan, are we still all sleeping over at your house tonight?
STAN: Yep! I've got all kinds of soda and chips and stuff!
CARTMAN: Do you have Cheesy Poofs and Snacky Cakes?
STAN: Oh, I see. Your just hoping you're still invited, isn't that right, you f*ckin' fat-ass!?
CARTMAN: Goddammit! Ah am not fat, ya butt-licker! Ah just want to know.
STAN: You are such a f*cking retard, Cartman.
KYLE: Are you going to have movies, too?
STAN: Yep!
KENNY: Mmmm mmm mm mmmmnmm mm?
STAN: What!? Sick, Dude! Why would I have that kind of movie!?
[The kids start eating. Cartman, naturally, eats his chocolate frosted sugar crunch first. After he takes a few bites, there is a loud cracking sound, followed by a few seconds of silence.]
KYLE: What the Hell was that?
STAN: I don't know, Dude! It sounded like someone broke a rock or something. What do you think it was, Cartman?
[Cartman has stopped eating and is just staring straight ahead.]
STAN: Cartman?
[No change in Cartman.]
STAN: Goddammit, Cartman! What's wrong!?
CARTMAN: (In a weak voice.) Ah...Ah don't think Ah'm hungry anymore, you guys, seriously.
KYLE: What's the matter?
[Cartman puts a hand up to his mouth. When he brings it back down, we can see a small, whitish object in it. Zoom in to show it's a tooth.]
STAN: Damn, Cartman! You broke a tooth clean off!
KYLE: Dude, you could get out of school for that!
CARTMAN: (In a weak voice.) You guys...Ah don't feel so good.
[Cartman passes out.]
[Cut to commercial.]
[Ext. view, South Park Dentistry.]
[Int. view, lobby. Cartman and Mrs. Cartman are sitting the waiting room. There is German techno music playing over the PA instead of the usual muzak.]
CARTMAN: Mom?
MRS. CARTMAN: What is it, honey?
CARTMAN: Do Ah hafta see the dentist? Can't we just super glue mah tooth back in?
MRS. CARTMAN: I'm sorry, Eric, but you need to have him take a look at it. Besides, if your appointment goes well, I make you triple peanut butter salmon patties!
CARTMAN: Well, Ah guess that's pretty sweet...
[The door to the dentist's rooms opens and his assistant comes out. She has a very German-techno look to her.]
ASSISTANT: You are zeh Eric Cartman, correct?
CARTMAN: Uh, yes, ma'am.
[The assistant gets out a horse whip and starts hitting her hand with it.]
ASSISTANT: Zen gittenzie back here right now!
[She cracks the whip in the air.]
CARTMAN: Yes, ma'am!
[Cartman jumps off his chair and runs into the back offices.]
[Int. view, examining room. The assistant enters the room followed by Cartman.]
ASSISTANT: Now zen, you vill sit in zeh chair vhile I take a look at zyour teess.
[Cartman tries to get in the chair but it's too high and he's too small and fat.]
CARTMAN: Ugh...urf...OK, OK, one...more...time...hngh...
[Cartman's sounds of strain quickly become incoherent whining sounds. The assistant cracks her whip near Cartman's fat ass and he jumps right into the chair.]
ASSISTANT: Now, just sit back unt relax.
[The assistant turns on the overhead light and shines it in Cartman's face.]
CARTMAN: Ow! Goddammit! Turn down that f*ckin' light right now! It's hurtin' mah f*ckin' ahs!
ASSISTANT: Silence! You vill be qviet!
[The assistant pokes around in Cartman's mouth for a while before turning away from it. She turns a sickly green color.]
ASSISTANT: I...I vill send Herr Doktor right in.
[She runs out of the room. We hear vomiting sounds from the hallway. Cartman starts looking around the room, gets out of the chair, and starts looking in the cabinets.]
CARTMAN: Hmm, wonder what's in hya?
[He opens on of the cabinets to reveal a tub of gum.]
CARTMAN: Chewy Bubbly Gum! Kick ass!
[Cartman opens several pieces and stuffs them into his mouth. He starts chewing, but soon chews more slowly, then more slowly, then stops. He takes a look at the tub and turns it around. There is a big, smiling tooth on the back that's saying "Sugar Free!" Cartman's eyes go wide.]
CARTMAN: What the Hell have Ah just put in mah mouth!?
[He spits the gum out and spits all over trying to get the taste out of his mouth.]
CARTMAN: Goddammit! Ah need to get it out!
[He looks around and sees the spit sink with it's cup of water at the ready. He tries to climb back into the chair to get at the sink, falling on his ass several times before finally getting back in the chair. Cartman gets the cup of water and takes a drink. His eyes go wide again and he spits out the water.]
CARTMAN: What the Hell is this sh*t!?
[The dentist comes into the room. He's a real German techno dance club freak. He's also got cherry red hair.]
DR. WOLFEN: Ach! Greetings, Herr...Cartman. I am Doktor Volfen. Zee nurse zays zat zyou haff von uff zeh vorst cases uff teess decay she has ever zeen. Vould zyou care to tell me how zat happened?
CARTMAN: Uh...well...Ah...uh...Ah brush mah teeth every day?
DR. WOLFEN: Zen zyou must brush viss zeh toilet water unt ass nuggets. Zere iss zeh vomit all over zeh rug in zeh hallvay! Now, lean back, openzie mouse, unt open vide. Ve shall see vhat ve shall see...
[Dr. Wolfen looks in Cartman's mouth for a few seconds.]
DR. WOLFEN: Vell, it vill reqvire qvite a bit of vork to fix zat mess in zyour mouse, Herr Cartman. I vill need to youse der gasenhosen.
[Dr. Wolfen gets the nitrous oxide tank and mask ready.]
DR. WOLFEN: Now, just breeze, Herr Cartman. Zis vill help zyou to relax vhile I vork on zyour mouse. Ya?
CARTMAN: I guess so. Is this gonna kill me or something? Hey, you ain't givin' me no f*ckin' anal probe!
DR. WOLFEN: Herr Cartman, pleese, calmenzie down. I vill do nusing to harm zyou, I assure zyou. Just relax.
[Dr. Wolfen puts the gas mask on Cartman. The screen blurs and fades into black.]
[Caption in big block letters: "THIRTY MINUTES LATER..."]
[Cartman's POV. Everything is blurry. Blinks a few times. The room starts to come into focus.]
DR. WOLFEN: Ah, Herr Cartman! Zyou are avakening! Gudt!
[Cartman starts trying to speak.]
DR. WOLFEN: Nein! Zyou must not tryen to shpeaken yet! I need to shpeak wiss zyour muzer. Fraulein Cartman? Please to be coming in hya.
[Mrs. Cartman enters the room.]
MRS. CARTMAN: Yes, Doctor?
DR. WOLFEN: Fraulein Cartman, ve had to do very much vork. Zyour son hass vhat ve like to call a "reeking hole."
MRS. CARTMAN: Oh my! Is there anything you can do, doctor?
DR. WOLFEN: Ya, ya. I vent ahead unt did zeh vork but it vas not cheap! I trust zat zyou have zee inzurance?
MRS. CARTMAN: Oh, dear. I'm afraid I don't.
DR. WOLFEN: (Eyeing Mrs. Cartman.) Oh, don't vorry. I am sure zat ve can arrange zumsing. Vould zyou like to zee zeh vork I haff done?
MRS. CARTMAN: Certainly!
[Previous to this moment, Dr. Wolfen and Mrs. Cartman have been standing in front of Cartman. Now that they move out of the way, we can see that Cartman's jaw has been wired shut.]
CARTMAN: (As if through clenched teeth.) Goddammit! Ah am gonna kick your Nazi bitch ass all the way back to Belgium, you son-of-a-f*ckin'-bitch!
MRS. CARTMAN: Um, Dr. Wolfen?
DR. WOLFEN: Ya, Fraulein?
MRS. CARTMAN: Well, I don't want to tell you how to do your job, but was it really necessary to wire his mouth shut like that?
DR. WOLFEN: Oh Hell ya! Zyou zee, Fraulein, zyour son's condition vas vorse zen any case I haff ever zeen! I vired hiss mouse shut so zat he vill not be eating zeh candy unt zeh cakes.
[Dr. Wolfen reaches off screen and picks up a bowl full of chocolates.]
DR. WOLFEN: Vould zyou care for a real German chocolate?
[Cartman is screaming incoherently in the background.]
MRS. CARTMAN: Why, yes! Thank you, Dr. Wolfen.
[Cut to commercial.]
[Ext. view, Stan's house, night.]
[Int. view, Stan's living room. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are sitting on the couch watching TV, surrounded by bags of Cheesy Poofs, boxes of Snacky Cakes, etc. They have their sleeping bags rolled out on the floor.]
KYLE: Hey, Stan?
STAN: What?
KYLE: What's the name of this movie again?
STAN: I don't know; I thought you guys were watching it?
KYLE: Dude, this is the Lifetime channel. Why the Hell would we watch anything here?
KENNY: Mmm mmmm mm mmmmnm mmnmmmn mm.
KYLE: Really? Are any of them Miss Ellen?
STAN: I think Cartoon Central is having another Terrance and Phillip marathon!
KYLE: Again!? Jesus! How many times can they show reruns of the same f*cking shows we've seen hundreds of times!?
STAN: So, you don't want to watch Terrance and Phillip?
KYLE: Yeah, Dude, turn it on.
[Stan changes the channel. We hear typical Terrance and Phillip. The kids are laughing the whole time. The doorbell rings.]
STAN: Goddammit! It better be Cartman or else someone is getting some tazer.
KYLE: Kenny! Quick! If it is Cartman, we'll have to hide all the snacks if we want any later!
[Stan answers the door.]
STAN: Cartman!?
[Cartman has started to lose weight. His hat keeps falling over his eyes, his mittens and pants keep slipping down, and he has no shoes.]
CARTMAN: (As if through clenched teeth and somewhat apathetic.) Hey, Stan. What's up?
[Kyle and Kenny come to the door.]
KYLE: Cartman! Where the hell are your shoes!?
CARTMAN: (As if through clenched teeth and somewhat apathetic.) Well, Ah was wearing them but mah feet seem to be smaller and they fell off on the way here.
KYLE: You mean your feet aren't as fat as they use to be!
[Stan, Kyle, and Kenny laugh at Cartman's misfortune.]
CARTMAN: (As if through clenched teeth.) You f*ckin' son-of-a-bitch! Ah will...
[Cartman starts sniffing the air.]
CARTMAN: (As if through clenched teeth.) Ah will...ah will...Cheesy Poofs! Snacky Cakes!
[Cartman runs past Stan, Kyle, and Kenny into Stan's living room.]
KYLE: Goddammit! Now fat-ass is going to eat all our snacks! (Sarcastically.) Nice job, Kenny!
[Kyle punches Kenny in the face.]
[Stan, Kyle, and Kenny go into the living room. Cartman has found the snacks but he's just sitting there, crying.]
STAN: Cartman? What's the matter?
CARTMAN: (As if through clenched teeth.) You guys...Ah can't...Ah can't eat anything ever again, seriously.
STAN: Really? Why?
CARTMAN: (As if through clenched teeth.) Just look you, f*ckin' asshole!
[Cartman opens his mouth as much as he can.]
KENNY: Mmmn mmmnmmm mmmnm mmn Mmm!
KYLE: Yeah, Cartman! You look just like Stan's sister!
STAN: Wow, Dude. That must suck.
KYLE: No, it doesn't!
CARTMAN: (As if through clenched teeth.) What the f*ck is that supposta mean!?
KYLE: If Cartman can't eat, then we don't have to worry about running out of snacks tonight!
STAN: Hey, yeah! Cartman's dentist kicks ass!
CARTMAN: (As if through clenched teeth.) You guys can just shut the Hell up, thank you very much.
KENNY: Mmm mmmm mm mnmm mmmm mnm mmmm!
[Stan, Kyle, and Kenny laugh.]
KYLE: Yeah! Good thinking, Kenny!
CARTMAN: The what files!?
[Ext. view, Chef's house, night. The kids are walking up Chef's sidewalk. Cartman is struggling to keep his clothes with him.]
STAN: Alright. We're here. Jesus Christ, Cartman!
[Cartman has lost his coat.]
CARTMAN: (As if through clenched teeth.) What?
KYLE: What!? Cartman, you lost your coat!
CARTMAN: (As if through clenched teeth.) Oh, yeah. Ah guess Ah have.
STAN: Aren't you freezing?
KYLE: Yeah. It's not like you have all that blubber you used to.
[Stan, Kyle, and Kenny laugh.]
CARTMAN: (As if through clenched teeth.) Goddammit! Ah will kick each one of you squa' in the nuts, you f*ckin' sh*t eatin' pig f*ckin' asshole sons-of-bitches!
STAN: Go screw yourself, Cartman.
CARTMAN: Goddammit!
[Cartman tries to kick Stan squa' in the nuts but his pants fall down. He tries it three more times, with the same results everytime.]
[Stan rings Chef's doorbell. Chef answers the door.]
CHEF: Hello, children!
STAN, KYLE, CARTMAN, KENNY: Hey, Chef.
CHEF: And how are my little crackers tonight.
CARTMAN: (As if through clenched teeth.) Bad.
CHEF: Why bad?
STAN: Cartman broke one of his teeth on your chocolate frosted sugar crunch and he went to the dentist and got his jaw wired shut!
CHEF: Well, children, it's like I always say: You should never eat frozen chocolate frosted sugar crunch.
KYLE: But you're the one who gave it to us, Chef.
CHEF: No no no! I mean outside of school. You see, children, the state says I have to give you food that you either can't eat or don't like for lunch at school.
STAN: What about Salisbury steak?
CHEF: Well, that's just our little secret, children.
STAN: Oh.
CHEF: Say, what dentist did he go to?
CARTMAN: (As if through clenched teeth.) Ah think he said he name was Dr. Volfen.
CHEF: Dr. Wolfen!?
[Dramatic chord.]
CHEF: Oh, fudge! Children, you've got to promise to stay away from him!
STAN: Well, why?
KYLE: Yeah, because of him, we'll still have snacks tonight!
CHEF: Because he's evil, children!
KYLE: What do you mean?
CHEF: You mean you children haven't heard?
STAN, KYLE, KENNY, AND CARTMAN: No.
CHEF: He started out as a normal dentist. His brother was training him but one day he left and started going to the most evil dentists' college in the world!
STAN: What dentists' college was that?
CHEF: The Kenny G and Michael Bolton School of Tooth Hurting!
[The kids all shudder.]
CHEF: He's the one dentist who doesn't recommend brushing after every meal!
KYLE: You mean like when a commercial says four out of five dentists recommend it he's the one who doesn't recommend brushing?
CHEF: That's right! Now do you all see why you shouldn't go to him anymore?
STAN, KYLE, KENNY, AND CARTMAN: Yes.
CHEF: That's good. Now what are you children doing out this late?
KYLE: We want to know if we can borrow some tapes from you?
CHEF: What tapes?
[Kyle whispers to Chef. We can hear what he's saying.]
CHEF: Oh, sure, children!
[Chef goes inside for a second. When he returns, he's holding some tapes with a single large X on each one.]
CHEF: Here you go, Kyle. I hope you...
[Chef notices that Cartman has no coat on.]
CHEF: What the Hell is the matter with you, boy!?
CARTMAN: (As if through clenched teeth.) What?
CHEF: Why the Hell aren't wearing a coat!? Don't you know how cold it is!?
KYLE: Oh, he lost it.
CHEF: Lost it?
STAN: He's losing a lot of weight since his mouth is wired shut.
CHEF: Hold on. Let me get you something to wear...
[Chef goes inside. We follow him to a closet. Up on the top shelf of the closet is a big row of chef hats. He takes on down, cuts three holes in it and, returns to the front door.]
CHEF: Here you are, children.
[Chef gives Cartman the hat. Cartman puts it on so that his head and arms are sticking out.]
STAN: Killer! Thanks, Chef!
KYLE: Yeah! And thanks for the tapes!
CHEF: No problem, children!
[The kids leave.]
CHEF: Kids these days grow up so fast. One day, they're wanting Salisbury steak; the next day, they're wanting to do Gillian Anderson!
[Cut to commercial.]
[Ext. view, street, night. The kids are walking back to Stan's house.]
CARTMAN: (As if through clenched teeth.) You guys, Ah don't think Chef's hat is working. Ah am freezing over hya!
STAN: Dammit, Cartman! Can't you wait until we get back to my house!?
CARTMAN: (As if through clenched teeth.) No Ah can't, Mr. I-Have-A-F*ckin'-Coat!
STAN: Fine. Where are we?
KYLE: I think we're near Mr. Garrison's house.
CARTMAN: (As if through clenched teeth.) Oh, no! You guys ain't gettin' me to go there!
KYLE: No, you retard! We know someone else around here.
CARTMAN: (As if through clenched teeth.) Really?
STAN: Yeah, and I think his clothes might fit you, too!
CARTMAN: (As if through clenched teeth.) Sweet! Who is it!?
[Int. view, a room. The kids are facing the camera so we can't see who they're talking to.]
KYLE: So, that's why we're here. Can you help us?
[Camera angle changes to reveal that it's Pip that Kyle was talking to.]
PIP: O, Glorious Day! I just knew that you chaps would want to become my friends someday!
STAN: Shut up, Pip! No one here wants to be your friend!
CARTMAN: (As if through clenched teeth.) Ah can't believe that you assholes want me to wear Pip's f*ckin' gay homosexual clothes!
KYLE: Would you rather look like a fruit or be a Freezy Pop, ass-master!?
CARTMAN: (As if through clenched teeth.) Weak.
PIP: Now then, Eric, what would you like to wear? I have this lovely chemise that I got for...
CARTMAN: (As if through clenched teeth and screaming.) Ah don't care, Goddammit! Just give me some f*ckin' clothes, you f*ckin' French piece of frog sh*t!
[Pip gives Cartman a set of clothes. Cartman goes behind a changing screen. When he comes out from behind it, he is dressed just like Pip.]
PIP: Now, we're twins, chum!
CARTMAN: (As if through clenched teeth.) This is f*ckin' weak.
[Ext. view, Stan's house, night.]
[Int. view, Stan's living room.]
CARTMAN: Hey, Kyle, what movies did you get from Chef?
KYLE: It's a surprise. Just sit down and let us get everything ready.
[Cartman climbs onto the couch.]
STAN: Alright. Kenny, you turn off the lights.
KENNY: Mmmm.
[Kenny turns the lights off.]
STAN: Kyle, you put the tape in.
[Kyle puts a tape in the VCR. Stan pulls out a roll of duct tape.]
STAN: And I'll secure the area!
CARTMAN: Uh, Stan, what is that duct tape for?
STAN: I'm going to tape you to the couch so you can't run away.
CARTMAN: And why would Ah run away again?
KYLE: Because, fat-ass, we're going watch The X-Files!
[Cartman passes out. Stan tapes Cartman to the couch. He also tapes Cartman's eyes open.]
STAN: OK, Kenny, wake him up now.
[Kenny punches Cartman in the head.]
CARTMAN: Ay! What the Hell is all this!? And what the Hell was that about me being fat, Kyle!?
KYLE: Oh, yeah. I guess your not fat anymore.
CARTMAN: Damn f*ckin' straight.
KYLE: But you're still a pig f*cker.
CARTMAN: You son-of-a-bitch! Ah'll kill you!
[Cartman tries to get Kyle but he is securely taped to the couch. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny laugh.]
STAN: This is going to be sweet!
[Stan goes to the VCR and pushes play.]
KYLE: I hope the smoking man's in this one!
[There comes a knock at the door.]
STAN: Who the f*ck could that be!?
KYLE: Tell 'em to go away!
[Stan goes answers the door.]
STAN: Go the Hell awa...
[There's no one there. Stan goes back to the living room.]
KYLE: Who was it, Dude?
STAN: Nobody. Just some dumb-ass playing a prank, I guess.
[There comes another knock at the door.]
STAN: That sick son-of-a-bitch! C'mon, let's go kick his ass!
[Kyle and Kenny get up and follow Stan to the front door.]
STAN: Alright, I'll open the door. Kyle, you throw Kenny at him. Kenny, uh, just, um, do something. Ready?
[Stan opens the door, Kyle throws Kenny outside. However, there is no one there and Kenny crashes into the sidewalk head first.]
KENNY: Mmm mmmmm mmnnmmmnmm!
KYLE: Sorry.
[Kenny comes back inside. Stan closes the door. We see a man who looks just like Dr. Wolfen only with blue hair was behind the door. Dramatic chord. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny scream and run into the living room.]
CARTMAN: : (As if through clenched teeth.) Well, Ah hope that asshole kicked the sh*t out of you guys, seriously!
STAN: Cartman! There's someone in the house! We've got to get out of here!
CARTMAN: (As if through clenched teeth.) Sure, you guys, whatever! There's someone the house! Like Ah'm gonna believe that. You guys are just tryin' to...aaahhhhh!
[The man has come into the living room now. The kids are screaming and running around the room, except Cartman who is still duct taped to the couch.]
MAN: Calmenzie down, children, pleesse!
[The kids calm down.]
MAN: I am Vilhelm Volfen. Mein bruzsa iss zeh dentist in zis town. On uff zyou saw him zeh uzsa day, ya?
KYLE: (Pointing to Cartman.) Yeah! Fat boy did...I mean, dumb-ass did!
WILHELM WOLFEN: Zen I must examine him right avay! Openzie, please?
[Wilhelm gets out some dental tools and Cartman opens his mouth as much as he can.]
WILHELM WOLFEN: Mein Gott! I never sought zat bastard vould go zis far!
STAN: What is it?
WILHELM WOLFEN: Vell, it iss complicated. Zyou zee, mein bruzsa has putenzie...how do zyou say...bomb in zis boy. It reqvires zat he loose a great deal of veight in order for zeh bomb to explode unt blow zis little, piss ant, vhite bread, mountain town shtraight to Hell.
[Dramatic chord.]
KYLE: A bomb? Why the Hell would he do that?
WILHELM WOLFEN: Because he iss der evil, genius. Vhy else vould he do it?
KENNY: Mmm mm?
WILHELM WOLFEN: Ya ya, OK. For fun, sure, but vhy else?
STAN: For sex?
KYLE: No, Dude. How do you think Cartman's mom paid to have his mouth wired shut?
STAN: Oh, yeah. Sorry your mom's a slut that screwed the dentist after he put a bomb in you, Cartman.
CARTMAN: : (As if through clenched teeth and screaming.) Goddammit! Stop talkin' that way 'bout mah mom, you f*ckin' walrus rapist!
WILHELM WOLFEN: I do not haff zeh proper tools wiss me to remove zeh bomb. Ve haff to get zis boy to mein bruzsa's office before he explodes.
STAN: But won't your brother be there?
WILHELM WOLFEN: Zat iss a chance ve vill just haff to take.
[Dramatic chord.]
CARTMAN: (As if through clenched teeth.) That is really starting to piss me off!
[Cut to commercial.]
[Ext. view, South Park Dentistry, night. Wilhelm is trying to open the door.]
WILHELM WOLFEN: Ve must gittenzie inside! Do any of zyou children know how to pickenzie locks?
KENNY: Mmmm!
WILHELM WOLFEN: Ya, gudt! Go to it, shtrange little boy!
[Kenny picks the lock and the door opens.]
WILHELM WOLFEN: Wunderbar! Now, let's gittenzie inside zo zat ve might remove zeh bomb from Herr Cartman.
[They go inside. All is dark except for one office. The German techno is still playing.]
CARTMAN: (As if through clenched teeth.) Goddamn, man! Doesn't that lame-ass brother of yours listen to anything else!
KYLE: Like what?
CARTMAN: (As if through clenched teeth.) Oh, Ah don't know...maybe Styxx?
STAN: Hey, Cartman?
CARTMAN: (As if through clenched teeth.) What?
STAN: (Singing.) I'm...sailing away...Set a course for the...
[Cartman is trying to fight off his need to finish the song.]
CARTMAN: (As if through clenched teeth.) Must...hold on...EeeEEEEEE!
[Cartman breaks down and finishes the entire song in quadruple time.]
WILHELM WOLFEN: (Whispering.) Zyou must be qviet! Ve vouldn't vant mein bruzsa to hear us unt drill tiny holes in us viss hiss drill thingy, vould zyou?
STAN, KYLE, KENNY, AND CARTMAN: (Whispering.) No.
WILHELM WOLFEN: (Whispering.) Zen ve must be very, very qviet. Followenzie me!
[They all sneak into one of the examining rooms. Stan closes the door behind them and turns on the light.]
WILHELM WOLFEN: (Whispering.) Now, Herr Cartman, zyou get into zeh chair vhile I get zeh inshtruments ready.
[Cartman tries to climb into the chair but he's still too short to get into it.]
CARTMAN: (As if through clenched teeth.) Eh...hnnnggh...OK, OK, this time for sure...hnnngggh...
[Cartman continues trying to struggle to get into the chair.]
WILHELM WOLFEN: (Whispering.) Oh, Goddammitenzie.
[He shoves Cartman into the chair face first.]
WILHELM WOLFEN: (Whispering.) Now, I vill shtart to remove zeh bomb from zyour mouse, ya?
CARTMAN: (As if through clenched teeth and whispering.) Do we really hafta do this?
STAN: (Whispering.) Do you really want to not have your head blown off your body!?
WILHELM WOLFEN: (Whispering.) Kyle, vhen I ask for zeh inshtruments, zyou hand zem to me, ya?
KYLE: (Whispering.) OK.
CARTMAN: (As if through clenched teeth and whispering.) Like Hell! Ah will not have that Jewish piece of crap handle mah dentist stuff and get it all kosher!
STAN: (Whispering.) Oh, nice f*cking job, Cartman!
CARTMAN: (As if through clenched teeth and whispering.) What?
KYLE: (Whispering.) You mongoloid, Cartman! Now this German guy knows I'm Jewish! I'm as good as dead now, you f*cking donkey licker!
WILHELM WOLFEN: (Whispering) Nein, nein, Herr Kyle! I am not like zat at all! I likenzie Jewish people! Ve Germans are not trying to exshterminate zeh Jews anymore. Vell, zeh Germans living in Louisiana are, but zeh rest of us aren't!
KYLE: (Whispering.) Really?
WILHELM WOLFEN: (Whispering.) Ya. Now, Herr Cartman, are zyou ready?
CARTMAN: (As if through clenched teeth.) Just get the Goddamn bomb out already!
[Cut to a view of the hallway. A shadow starts to emerge from the office with the light on.]
DR. WOLFEN: Vhat vas zat?
[Cut back to the examining room.]
KYLE: Way to go, Cartman!
STAN: That crazy dentist guy probably knows we're here now!
KENNY: Mmmm mnmm mmm, mmm mnmmmn!
[Kenny punches Cartman in the face.]
WILHELM WOLFEN: I vill see zat he does not shtop us! Herr Kyle, you continue removing zeh bomb from Herr Cartman's mouse!
KYLE: Me? I don't know how to do any of this!
STAN: Yeah! They never show anything like this on ER!
WILHELM WOLFEN: Vell, it's a little late for zat bull crap now!
[Wilhelm exists.]
STAN: Well, I guess you should get to work, Kyle.
[Kyle gets picks up some dental tools, mostly the sharp and painful looking stuff.]
KYLE: What do I do now?
KENNY: Mnnmmmm mmm mmmm nmm!
STAN: Yeah, Kyle! Just start jabbing that stuff in wherever and ask Cartman a bunch of stupid questions that he can't even answer because he's got all that stuff in his mouth!
CARTMAN: (As if through clenched teeth.) Shut the Hell up, you piece of crap!
[Cut to the hallway. Dr. Wolfen is in the hall. He and Wilhelm come face to face where they pull teeth scrapers out of their pockets.]
DR. WOLFEN: Ve meet again, O big bruzsa. Zeh circle ist now complete. Vhen I left zyou, I vas but a learner; now, I am zeh master!
WILHELM WOLFEN: Only a master uft evil, Fritz!
[Dr. Wolfen and Wilhelm start fighting with their teeth scrapers.]
DR. WOLFEN: Zyou should not haff comenzie back.
[They continue fighting.]
DR. WOLFEN: Zyour powers are veak, bruzsa.
WILHELM WOLFEN: Zyou cannot to be vinning, Fritz; if zyou shtrike me down I shall becomenzie more powerful zhan zyou can possibly imagine!
[They continue fighting.]
[Cut back to the examining room.]
KYLE: Dammit! What the Hell is all that noise!? Stan, Kenny, go check it out -- stat!
STAN: Stat? What the Hell does "stat" mean?
KYLE: I don't know. It's just something they yell on ER all the time.
STAN: Oh.
KENNY: Mmmm mnmmm mmmmnnm mmm mm Mmmm Mmmmn!
[The kids, except for Cartman, all laugh.]
STAN: Yeah! It means George Clooney needs another drink!
CARTMAN: (As if through clenched teeth.) Heh. Just like your dad, Kenny.
[Kenny grabs a drill away from Kyle and drills one of Cartman's teeth unmercifully.]
CARTMAN: Ow! Goddammit! That f*ckin' hurt, you poor son-of-a-bitch!
[Cartman tries to get out of the chair.]
KYLE: Cartman! No!
CARTMAN: (As if through clenched teeth.) But he started all this sh*t!
KYLE: Cartman, do you want me to get that bomb out of your mouth or do you want to blow all of South Park straight to Hell.
CARTMAN: (As if through clenched teeth.) Ah'd rather kick Kenny's ass!
[He tries to get out of the chair again.]
STAN: Cartman! You've got to listen to reason: if Kyle can get that bomb out of your mouth, that means all that wire holding your jaw shut will be gone too, right?
CARTMAN: (As if through clenched teeth.) Ah...Ah guess so.
STAN: And if all that wire holding your jaw shut is gone then you can eat all the Cheesy Poofs and Snacky Cakes and whatever else the Hell you want.
CARTMAN: (As if through clenched teeth.) Well, why didn't you say so before, Einstein!? OK, Kyle...do what you have to.
KYLE: Sweet!
[Kyle takes the drill from Kenny.]
KYLE: You guys stay here now. I may need your help.
STAN: Sure thing, Dude.
KENNY: Mmmm mmmn mmmmm mmm!
[The camera zooms in on Kyle. He's really working hard; there is sweat running down his face. Zoom in on Cartman. He's got sweat running down his face and he looks scared.] There is a beeping sound and a click from inside Cartman's mouth. The kids all gasp.]
KYLE: Well, I guess this is it.
CARTMAN: (As if through clenched teeth.) Ah don't want to die with you assholes!
STAN: Shut up and die like a man, Cartman.
CARTMAN: (As if through clenched teeth.) Ay! Ah'll die anyway ah want, you...you...
[Cartman starts turning blue.]
KYLE: What the Hell?
STAN: I think he's choking!
[Kenny punches Cartman in the back and Cartman coughs up the bomb and all the wiring.]
CARTMAN: You bastard! Ah'll kick your ass now!
[Stan and Kyle grab Cartman and hold him back.]
CARTMAN: Let me go, Goddammit!
STAN: Cartman! Kenny just saved your life, you can't kick his ass!
CARTMAN: Oh, well, la dee da. That f*ckin' bomb's still gonna blow us all up! Thanks for nothin', Kenny!
KYLE: No, Cartman! Don't you remember what Wilhelm said? The bomb can only go off if it burns so much fat! There's no way it can do that now!
CARTMAN: Huh!? But Ah wanna kick Kenny's ass!
[Cartman starts getting all teary-eyed and sniffling.]
CARTMAN: (Sniffling.) Thanks, Kenny...Ah...Ah love you, man.
[Kenny starts laughing at Cartman.]
CARTMAN: Fine! F*ck you then, asshole!
[There is a bang against the wall.]
STAN: What was that?
KYLE: It's Wilhelm! We've got to help him!
[The kids all run into the hallway. Wilhelm and Dr. Wolfen are still fighting. It looks like the fight could go either way.]
STAN, KYLE, AND KENNY: Go Wilhelm!
CARTMAN: Go Dr. Wolfen!
[The fight stops. Wilhelm, Stan, Kyle, and Kenny all look angrily at Cartman.]
CARTMAN: Um...Ah mean, go Wilhelm!
[The fighting begins again.]
STAN: Dude, this is pretty f*cked up right here.
KYLE: Yep.
[Dr. Wolfen knocks Wilhelm to the ground. The kids all gasp.]
DR. WOLFEN: So, Vilhelm. Vonce again, I am zeh victor. Now zyou vill gittenzie zeh vorst teess scraping uff zyour life!
[Kyle looks around nervously. Suddenly, he sees something and lightens up.]
KYLE: Hey, Stan! Give me a hand with this!
[Stan and Kyle pull the x-ray machine on screen. Kyle turns it up to "crispify".]
KYLE: Ready? Fire!
[Stan turns the x-ray machine on. The x-rays hit Dr. Wolfen directly. He falls over in a heap. The kids help Wilhelm up.]
WILHELM WOLFEN: Oh, sank zyou, children! For a moment I sought zat I vas a goner! Did zyou gittenzie bomb out of Herr Cartman's mouse, Herr Kyle?
KYLE: Yeah! I got it loose and then Kenny punched it out of Cartman when he was choking on it!
[Dr. Wolfen gets up suddenly.]
DR. WOLFEN: Zyou...little bastards vill not...defeat Dr. Volfen zo...eassily!
[Dr. Wolfen throws his teeth scraper at the kids.]
WILHELM WOLFEN: Gittenzie out uff zeh vay!
[He knocks the kids to safety as the teeth scraper hits the wall just above the x-ray machine which is behind them.]
STAN: Wow! That was close! Thanks, Wilhelm!
KYLE: Yeah! You kick ass!
KENNY: Mmmmm mmnmm mmnm mnnnm mm!
CARTMAN: Do you have any German chocolate pie?
[The kids all start laughing. The teeth scraper falls out of the wall, hits the "on" switch on the x-ray machine, ricochets off and hits the machine so that it turns and is pointing at Kenny.]
KENNY: Mm mm mmmmm mmm mmmm?
[Kenny's clothes start to melt.]
KENNY: MMMM MM MMMMM MNMMMMM!!
[Kenny melts into a puddle.]
STAN: Oh, my God! They've killed Kenny!
KYLE: You bastards!
STAN: Wow. That sucked. But you know, I think I learned something.
[The slow piano music starts.]
KYLE: Really? What?
STAN: I've learned that going to the dentist can be scary and sometimes the dentist puts a bomb in your mouth but that that dentist will always have a brother who will come to save the day.
KYLE: Dude, that doesn't make much sense.
STAN: Really? I thought it was pretty good. Hmmm. Oh, I know! There's really no reason to be scared. Jesus died for our sins and rose from the dead in three days to show us that he has conquered death for all time.
KYLE: No, Dude, that's Easter.
STAN: Goddammit! OK, OK. How about you shouldn't judge others?
KYLE: Nope.
STAN: Well, f*ck this then.
WILHELM WOLFEN: Vell, I vill dispose of zeh bomb unt gittenzie zyou kids backs homen.
[They all start to exit.]
CARTMAN: Can we get some pie on the way home?
[The rats rush in and start drinking Kenny.]
[Cut to commercial.]
[Ext. view, the bus stop. Stan and Kyle are there.]
STAN: Where's Cartman?
KYLE: Yeah, the bus'll be here any minute and he hasn't shown up yet.
[Cartman enters he has ballooned back up to normal size. He is also still wearing Pip's clothes, which have been completely shredded by Cartman's mass.]
CARTMAN: Hey, guys!
[Stan and Kyle stare at Cartman for a while with their mouths hanging open.]
CARTMAN: Ah said, Hey, guys!
[They're still staring with mouths still open.]
CARTMAN: AH SAID, HEY, GUYS! GODDAMMIT!!
STAN: Oh, hey, Cartman.
KYLE: What the Hell is the matter with you, Cartman!?
CARTMAN: Huh? What?
KYLE: Cartman, why are you still wearing Pip's clothes!?
CARTMAN: Well, maybe Ah feel pretty wearin' these, Tommy Assfiger!
[Kyle and Stan laugh at Cartman.]
CARTMAN: Goddammit! Stop laughin' at me!
[Kyle and Stan stop laughing.]
CARTMAN: That's better. Do it again and Ah'll kick ya both squa' in the nuts so hard that your nutsacks explode and there'll be piece of your balls all over South Park.
STAN: Jesus, Cartman!
[Pip walks up to the bus stop.]
PIP: Cheerio, gents!
[The kids just stare at Pip.]
PIP: Top of the morning to ye?
[They continue staring.]
PIP: Um...good morning?
KYLE: F*ck off, Pip.
PIP: But I just came to see if I could get my clothes back from Eric and I...
CARTMAN: Goddammit, Pip! Get the Hell out of hya!
PIP: But...but...
STAN: Do it, Cartman.
CARTMAN: Sweet.
PIP: Do what? Gents, do wha...
[Pip doesn't get to finish his question as Cartman roshamboes him. There is a clanging sound and Cartman falls over screaming.]
CARTMAN: Ah think ah broke mah f*ckin' foot, you French motherf*cker!
STAN: Jesus Christ, Pip!
KYLE: What do you have in there!?
PIP: I suspected that Eric might try this so I took the liberty of wearing my steel cup.
STAN: That kicks ass!
KYLE: Yeah! Hey, Pip?
PIP: Yes, Kyle?
KYLE: Do you want to hang out with us?
CARTMAN: Hey, you guys, Ah need some help hya, seriously!
PIP: (To Kyle.) Do you mean it?
STAN: Totally, Dude!
PIP: O, Happy Day! I knew that if I just waited long enough you gents would someday accept me!
STAN: Come on! It's Salisbury steak day!
[Stan, Kyle, and Pip walk away, leaving Cartman in the snow.]
CARTMAN: Hey! You all get your bitch asses back hya right now so Ah can kick you in the nuts, Goddammit!
[Roll credits.]
A Curse of Honor By Mr. Dead
[Warnings, song, and titles. Sunburst pattern reads "Special Guest Voice: Pat Morita as Mr. Viagi!"]
[Ext. view, South Park Elementary.]
MR. GARRISON: All right, class, settle down.
[Int. view, MR. Garrison's classroom.]
MR. GARRISON: Today we're going to learn all about the beauty of nature.
KYLE: Mr. Garrison?
MR. GARRISON: Yes, Kyle, what is it?
KYLE: Is this just another excuse to send us out to recess and not teach class?
[There is an awkward silence for a few seconds.]
MR. GARRISON: Um...yes.
STAN: Sweet!
[Ext. view, the playground.]
STAN: Did you guys see Terrance and Phillip last night?
KYLE: Yeah! That kicked ass!
CARTMAN: Ah liked the part where that guy asked that other guy if he was the new milkman and then that disco music started playing and they both started to take off their clothes.
STAN: Cartman! What the Hell were you watching!?
KYLE: Yeah! That wasn't Terrance and Phillip!
CARTMAN: Mah mom said they were!
KENNY: Mmm mmmm mmmmmm mm mmmm mmmmmm!
CARTMAN: You shut the f*ck up, you poor piece of dog f*cking sh*t!
[Kenny punches Cartman in the face.]
CARTMAN: Ay!
[A school bell rings.]
STAN: Hey, it's not time to go in yet!
KYLE: Kenny, what time is it?
KENNY: Mmmm mmm mmmmm.
KYLE: Oh, sh*t! It's time for the fifth graders' recess!
CARTMAN: Uh, you guys? Ah don' wanna get killed, seriously!
STAN: Cartman, shut up and stay cool. They'll leave us alone if we don't attract their attention.
[Cartman is straining against something. There's sweating starting to run down his face.]
CARTMAN: (Whispering.) You...guys? Ah...can't hold this...much longer!
KYLE: (Whispering.) Shut up, Cartman! Or do you want to die!?
[Cartman is groaning and making unintelligible sounds.]
STAN: (Whispering.) Dammit, Cartman! Shut the Hell up!
CARTMAN: (Whispering.) Must...set it...free!
[Cartman lets out an extremely loud fart.]
KYLE: (Screaming.) Goddammit, Cartman!
STAN: Jesus, Cartman, what do you eat!? Eggs for every meal!?
[Kenny is trying to get Stan and Kyle's attention.]
KYLE: What is it, Kenny?
[Kenny points at three fifth graders standing behind them and pulls his hood shut.]
STAN: Oh, f*ck!
BULLY #1: Hey, you!
KYLE: M-me?
BULLY #2: Not you, queer bag! Your cute little friend there!
STAN: Who? Me?
BULLY #1: Yeah, you! Our associate here says he don't like your pretty little face! Ain't that right, Nail?
[Bully #3 (Nail) grunts.]
KYLE: What's that all over his face?
BULLY #2: That the last kid's face that Nail didn't like.
[Nail advances on Stan.]
STAN: Um, guys? A little help here?
[Kyle, Kenny, and Cartman all run away.]
STAN: (Yelling.) Thanks a whole f*cking lot, you f*cking cowards!
[Nail keeps coming toward Stan.]
STAN: Uh, stay back! Or else I don't know what I'll do!
[Nail picks Stan up by his head.]
BULLY #2: So, whaddya gonna do?
STAN: I'm going to do the only thing I can do in this situation -- start screaming like a girl!
[Stan starts screaming like a girl as Nail starts throwing him into assorted things. After about 30 seconds of this, Nail throws Stan to the ground.]
BULLY #1: Next time, don' have such a pretty little face!
BULLY #: Heh heh. Stupid gay third grader.
[The bullies all start laughing and walk away. Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny return to the site of Stan's brutal pounding.]
KYLE: Stan, are you all right?
[Cut to commercial.]
[Stan groans.]
KYLE: Well, at least he's not dead.
KENNY: Mmmm mmn mmmmm mmnm mmm!
KYLE: Now how the Hell could he die every week!?
CARTMAN: Heh heh. Stan, they beat on you like a redheaded gay homosexual stepchild!
STAN: (Weakly.) Cartman...come here.
[Cartman comes closer to Stan.]
STAN: (Weakly.) Closer.
[Cartman comes closer still.]
CARTMAN: What is it, Stan?
KYLE: Maybe he's dying!
CARTMAN: Really? Sweet! Hey, Stan, can Ah have your Cure CD's?
KYLE: Goddammit, Cartman! He's really hurt and all you can think about is if he's gonna give you those f*cking CD's!?
CARTMAN: Ay! You're just pissed off 'cause Ah beat you to it! Stan, can Ah have your Cure CD's?
STAN: (Weakly.) Cartman?
CARTMAN: Ah'm hya, Stan.
[Stan's eyes open up wide and he starts strangling Cartman. Kyle and Kenny pulls Stan off of Cartman.]
KYLE: Calm down, Dude!
STAN: I will not calm down! This is bullsh*t! Why the f*ck should we let those fifth graders push us around all the time!?
CARTMAN: Because they're bigger than we are?
KYLE: Because they're stronger than we are?
KENNY: Mmmm mm mmmmnm mmmmn?
STAN: No, dammit! I'm sick of this!
KYLE: Well, what can you do, Stan?
STAN: I'll ask Chef; he'll know what to do!
KYLE: Dude, Chef's on vacation this week. You can't ask him!
STAN: Oh, yeah.
CARTMAN: Heh heh. Why don't you ask your big, gay friend for help, Stan? Maybe he'll pound ass on those guys so they'll leave you alone!
KENNY: Mmmmn mmn mmmmmm!
STAN: Sick, Dude!
KYLE: Why don't you ask your grampa? I'll bet he's run into this stuff about a million times!
STAN: No, he'd just want me to see if I could get the fifth graders to kill him.
KYLE: Well, I guess there's just on option left, then...
[Cut to a shot of a TV screen.]
TV ANNOUNCER: And now back to Jesus and Pals on South Park public access.
JESUS: Yea, know that I am the Truth and Path to eternal happiness. Let's take some callers! Hello, caller, you're on the air.
CALLER: Yeah...is this Jesus?
JESUS: Yes, it is, caller.
CALLER: Well, Jesus, this is Robert from Torry Pines. I was just calling to tell you that I tried that bit about goin' and kickin' all the bankers' asses and now I'm in jail.
JESUS: Were they actually in a bank and not a place of worship?
[There is a silence.]
JESUS: Robert?
CALLER: Um...yeah...they were in the bank at the time.
JESUS: I hope you have learned not to try and interpret anything I say.
CALLER: I...I have, Jesus. I have to go now. There's some men waiting to rape me.
JESUS: Blessed art thou, Robert. Next caller?
[Cut to a shot of the kids in Stan's living room. Stan is standing on the couch and is on the phone.]
[Cut back to Jesus and Pals.]
STAN: Jesus?
JESUS: Yes, my son?
STAN: I have a problem at school with some guys that are bigger than me and I can't fight back. What should I do?
JESUS: My son, do what I would do.
STAN: Would you kick their asses?
JESUS: No.
STAN: Kill their pets?
[Jesus is getting noticeably angry and frustrated.]
JESUS: No.
STAN: Oh! I know! Burn down their houses!
JESUS: No, Goddammit! Turn the other cheek, you retard! Next caller?
STAN: But I'm not finished ye...
JESUS: Next caller!
[Stan slams the phone down.]
STAN: That low-down son-of-a-bitch!
[Ext. view, Stan's house.]
[Int. view, Stan's living room. The kids are all sitting on the couch with Cartman in the middle of the couch, which is noticeably sagging in the middle. Cartman also has a bag of Cheesy Poofs in his lap.]
STAN: I can't believe that Jesus told me to get my ass kicked!
KYLE: Yeah, Dude! Your God is crazy!
CARTMAN: Well, at least our God doesn't tell people to go around and get their firemen chopped, ya friggin' hippie Jew!
KYLE: Don't you oppress me, asshole!
CARTMAN: F*ck you!
[Kyle karate chops Cartman in the wrist and makes him drop his Cheesy Poofs.]
CARTMAN: Goddammit! What the Hell did you hafta do that for, ya dick!
[Cartman jumps off the couch, which returns to its normal, unsagging state, and gets down on the floor with the Cheesy Poofs.]
CARTMAN: (To the Cheesy Poofs.) It's all right. Ah won't let him hurt you anymore.
STAN: Jesus, Cartman! Have some f*cking dignity!
KYLE: That's it, Stan!
STAN: What!? You want me to start talking to Cheesy Poofs!?
KYLE: No, Dude! You can learn the art of self-defense!
STAN: No way, Dude! I hate art!
KYLE: The art of self-defense is where you learn to make your body into a living weapon!
CARTMAN: You mean like that guy in Terminator 2 who was, like, wussy lookin' and then he'd, like, turn his hand into a knife and stab someone in the ah?
KENNY: Mmmmmmn mmmmnm nmmm!
STAN: I don't think he'd get too many chicks if he turned that into a knife.
KYLE: Stan, the art of self-defense would make you like Jean Claude Van Damme or Steven Segal!
CARTMAN: Dude! Those guys suck ass! Did you see "On Deadly Ground" or "Double Team"? They must breathe through their asses they suck so bad!
STAN: I think Cartman's right, Kyle. I don't want to be like those pieces of sh*t!
KYLE: No, Dude! You have something that neither one of the has!
STAN: What's that?
KYLE: You have an IQ higher than Cartman's waste size!
STAN: Hey, yeah!
CARTMAN: Kyle, are you implying that Ah am fat?
KYLE: I'm not implying anything, fat-ass! You are a f*cking elephant!
CARTMAN: Ay!
[Ext. view, the bus stop. Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny are there.]
KYLE: Hey! Have either of you guys seen Stan yet?
CARTMAN: Why? Is he bringin' pie?
[Stan walks up to the bus stop. He has dark circles under his eyes.]
STAN: (Yawning.) Hey, guys.
KYLE: Damn, Stan! You look tired! What were you doing last night?
STAN: I was trying to learn karate by watching "Walker, Texas Ranger" and I kept falling asleep. Man, that show sucks!
KYLE: Dude! You actually watched that sh*t on purpose!?
STAN: Yeah. (Yawns.) It's even worse than that Bob Saget show my grampa likes.
CARTMAN: Balls of steel, Stan. Balls of steel.
KYLE: Have you thought about having someone train you?
STAN: Dude! I don't have that kind of money!
KYLE: Don't worry about that! My dad's dry cleaner will teach you and all you have to do for him is paint his fence, build him a deck and sand it, wax his cars, build a whole new wing to his house, and be there every day after school!
STAN: Really? Sweet!
[Cut to commercial.]
[Ext. view, Mr. Viagi's house. The kids are walking up to the front door.]
STAN: Do you really think this guy'll train me, Kyle?
KYLE: Yeah, Dude! He owes my family a favor.
STAN: What for?
CARTMAN: Did your dad pull him out of a burning house?
KYLE: No.
STAN: Did he rescue him from drowning?
KYLE: Um...no.
KENNY: Mmmm mmn mmmmm nmm?
KYLE: Sick, Dude!
STAN: Well, why the Hell does he owe your family a favor?
KYLE: He lost a button on one of my dad's jackets.
[The kids stop walking. There is silence for a while.]
STAN: Dude, that is the f*ckin' weakest reason to owe anybody a favor I've ever heard.
CARTMAN: Yeah! If Ah was this guy Ah'd be all like "Ay! Why don't you just go back to Transylvania and live with your hippie Amish friends, then, ya buttonless butt-licker!"
[The kids continue up the walk to the front door. When they arrive, Kyle rings the doorbell. Mr. Viagi answers it.]
MR. VIAGI: Herro? Ah, Kyrle-san! Come in, come in! Would you and yauwa fliends rike some tea?
KYLE: Mr. Viagi, I need to call in that favor you owe my family.
MR. VIAGI: Oh! Um...just one minute.
[Mr. Viagi closes the door. The kids wait on the front step. After a little while the door opens back up to reveal Mr. Viagi wearing a pair Groucho glasses and a moustache. It's a really horrible disguise.]
CARTMAN: (Whispering to Kenny.) Goddamn, this is so lame.
MR. VIAGI: (Speaking with Texan accent.) Well, my little buckaroos, there ain't no Mr. Viagi livin' here no more. Why don't y'all try Chinatown?
STAN: Dude! There's no Chinatown in South Park!
KYLE: Mr. Viagi, seriously, I need that favor.
[Mr. Viagi removes his "disguise".]
MR. VIAGI: Arlight, Kyrle-san. What can Viagi-san to forl you?
KYLE: I need you to train my friend Stan in the martial arts.
MR. VIAGI: How does Viagi-san know he is worlthy to be tlained?
STAN: Well, I tried to watch "Walker, Texas Ranger" to learn karate.
MR. VIAGI: Indeed you do possess courlage. Resser men have eaten theirl own heads lather than watch that show. Hai! I wirll tlain you.
STAN: Sweet!
MR. VIAGI: We wirll begin yauwa tlaining tomollow. And bling yauwa own sandpaperl! I not made of money!
[Cut to commercial.]
[Ext. view, the bus stop. Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny are there.
KYLE: Hey, Cartman, have you seen Stan this morning?
CARTMAN: (Sarcastically.)Hmm, well, let me see hya...he wasn't at mah house for breakfast and he wasn't at mah house last night for dinner and he wasn't at mah house for cartoons this morning either. So, hmmm, Ah guess Ah haven't seen him this morning, Mr. Wizard!
KYLE: Cartman?
CARTMAN: What?
KYLE: Go f*ck yourself.
KENNY: Mmmm mmn mmmnmm mm!
CARTMAN: You just shut the Hell up, bitch!
[Stan walks up. He looks really tired.]
STAN: (Yawning.) Hey, guys.
KYLE, CARTMAN, AND KENNY: Hey, Stan.
KYLE: Damn, Stan! It looks like you didn't get much sleep last night!
STAN: I didn't. (Yawns.) I was at that bastard's house until like midnight building him a f*cking deck for his house.
KYLE: I told you he'd have you do that, Dude.
STAN: I know but (Yawns.) I didn't think he'd want to cover his whole yard with a deck!
KYLE: Has he had you do anything else?
STAN: Yeah. I've had to wax all 37 of his cars, reorganize his collection of porno mags with Cartman's mom in them...
CARTMAN: What!?
STAN: ...Paint his house, reupholster his couch, retile his bathroom, and tonight he wants me to sand that f*cking deck until it shines!
KYLE: Dude, that's weak.
[Ext. view, Mr. Viagi's house. There is now a deck covering the entire front lawn with a path for the sidewalk right down the middle. Stan is sanding the deck. Mr. Viagi walks up.]
MR. VIAGI: Ah, Stanierl-san, arle you leady to worlk on west wing?
[Stan stands up.]
STAN: Listen to me: When are you going to start training me!? I've been over here every day after school for two f*cking weeks building all of this sh*t for you and you haven't done a Goddamn thing to help me yet! Now, you either start training me or I'll stick this sandpaper so far up your ass you'll scrape your tonsils when you cough!!
[Mr. Viagi starts clapping.]
MR. VIAGI: Velly good, velly good, Stanierl-san. Now you have firle in bery. Now I tlain you in the seclet arlts. Come.
[Stan and Mr. Viagi go inside Mr. Viagi's house. It looks something like an extremely ornate Oriental palace inside. Mr. Viagi takes Stan to a small table in the middle of one of the rooms. On the table, there are two sets of chop sticks and a jar.]
MR. VIAGI: Sit down, Stanierl-san.
[Stan sits at one end of the table and Mr. Viagi sits at the other.]
STAN: What the Hell are we doing here? Should I be breaking boards and stuff?
MR. VIAGI: Firlst, must tlain the mind. I wirll open jar of fries and you tly catch with chopsticks.
STAN: 'Kay.
[Mr. Viagi opens the jar. About six flies fly out. Stan picks up a pair of chopsticks and tries to catch a few of them, unsuccessfully. He tries to stab them in the air, unsuccessfully. Finally, he sees a flyswatter underneath the table. He drops his chopsticks, picks up the flyswatter and starts whacking away at the flies, killing all of them.]
STAN: How was that?
MR. VIAGI: Congladurations, Stanierl-san.
STAN: Huh? I though I was supposed to catch the flies, not kill them.
MR. VIAGI: Of arr students, none have everl used the fryswatterl.
STAN: Yeah, but, wasn't I supposed to just catch them and let them go or something?
MR. VIAGI: Sometimes, one must kirll the tigel.
STAN: What the Hell is that supposed to mean?
MR. VIAGI: Do you think Viagi-san want fries in house?
STAN: No.
MR. VIAGI: Werll, then, therle you go. Come now. Second palt of tlaining.
[Stan and Mr. Viagi go to the living room.]
MR. VIAGI: Stanierl-san, sit couch.
[Stan sits down. Mr. Viagi begins fiddling with the TV and VCR.]
STAN: Oh, Man! You're not gonna make me watch "Walker, Texas Ranger", are you?
MR. VIAGI: No, Stanierl-san. Have arready plooved yauwa coulage. This rearl resson frlom the tlue master.
STAN: It's not Jean Claude Van Damme, is it?
MR. VIAGI: No.
STAN: Steven Segal?
MR. VIAGI: No. How you kids watch that sh*t anyway? This the Master...Bluce Ree!
[Mr. Viagi puts a tape in the VCR.]
[Cut to shot of the TV screen. The title of the movie comes on screen and reads: "Bruce Lee" then, that fades away and "in" comes on and fades away, followed by "Enter the Dragon Slayer."]
[Cut to Stan on the couch.]
STAN: Dude! This isn't a Bruce Lee movie!
MR. VIAGI: And how do you know that, Stanierl-san?
STAN: Because, Dude, Bruce Lee never did a movie called "Enter the Dragon Slayer!" He did "Enter the Dragon!"
MR. VIAGI: This velly urry movie.
[Cut back to TV screen. Bruce Lee is killing all sorts of people.]
[Cut back to Stan. His eyes have gone wide and his mouth is hanging open.]
MR. VIAGI: Stanierl-san? What wlong?
STAN: Bruce Lee is killing everyone in sight! Is this a real movie?
MR. VIAGI: Morle rike instluctionar video.
[Int. view, Mr. Viagi's dojo. Mr. Viagi is showing Stan his various artifacts of the ancient art of killing people.]
MR. VIAGI: And these arle the sai.
STAN: What are those for?
MR. VIAGI: You jab in eye then, twist.
STAN: Ugh.
[Mr. Viagi gets couple of huge swords off the wall.]
MR VIAGI: These katana, the weapon of the ninja!
STAN: Oh, yeah! Those things can, like, cut through anything, right?
MR. VIAGI: Armost. Not wolrk on fluitcake.
[Stan goes over to a small disc set up on a small pedestal in the center of the room.]
STAN: Sensei, what is this?
MR. VIAGI: That is weapon most deadry.
STAN: What's it called?
MR. VIAGI: Spice Gilrs CD. Stanierl-san, come heel. Viagi-san leed this to you.
[Stan walks over to Mr. Viagi in front of a scroll that has been unrolled and hanging on the wall.]
MR. VIAGI: Leed this, Stanierl-san.
STAN: Dude! I can't read that! It's all in Japanese!
MR. VIAGI: Then, Viagi-san leed. Sclorll say: "Even smarrest glasshopperl can defeat tigerl."
STAN: Well, what the Hell does that mean?
MR. VIAGI: Viagi-san not know when fatherl leed when Viagi-san boy and Viagi-san not know now. Was hoping Stanierl-san could figurle out. Come. Viagi-san leed morle sclorll.
[Stan and Mr. Viagi go to another scroll on the wall.]
MR. VIAGI: This sclorll say: "If things get iffy, kick opponent in heiny."
STAN: (Pointing to another scroll on the wall.) What's this one say, Sensei?
MR. VIAGI: Oh, Stanierl-san! You make Viagi-san velly ploud, velly ploud, indeed! You firlst student everl find this sclorll without Viagi-san showing!
STAN: So, what's it say?
MR. VIAGI: This most imporltant of all lules of karlete: "Arlways fight with honorl."
STAN: What does that mean?
MR. VIAGI: It mean karlete onrly for serlf-defense not forl being asshorle.
STAN: Oh, Goddammit.
[Int. view, Mr. Garrison's classroom.]
MR. GARRISON: Now, class, our friend, Mr. Twigg, is going to tell us all about man's first voyage to the moon.
MR. TWIGG: That's right, Mr. Garrison. Man first went to the moon in 1492 when Ferdinand Magellan drove his stock car racer to the moon on an ancient bridge built by Charlton Heston during the Civil War and...
STAN: Mr. Garrison?
MR. GARRISON: What is it, Stanley? Mr. Twigg was right in the middle of an important lesson!
STAN: I should apologize for this right now, I suppose, so, I'm sorry.
MR. GARRISON: Sorry for what?
[Stan gets out of his seat, goes to the front of the classroom, and karate chops Mr. Twigg, breaking him into a thousand pieces.]
KENNY: Mmmm mmnm mm mmmnmm!
[Nobody says anything.]
CARTMAN: Kyle, aren't you gonna say "you bastards?"
KYLE: Hell, no, fat-boy! I hated Mr. Twigg, I'm glad that f*cker is dead.
[The whole class cheers as Mr. Garrison falls to his knees, crying.]
MR.GARRISON: Noooo! Why God!? Why!?
[Mr. Garrison starts picking up pieces of Mr. Twigg in a futile attempt to fix him. He only succeeds in breaking Mr. Twigg worse.]
MR. GARRISON: Well, I guess it's time for a new friend.
[Cut to commercial.]
[Int. view, the cafeteria. The kids are all in line for lunch.]
KYLE: Dude! I can't believe you killed Mr. Twigg! That kicked ass!
CARTMAN: Yeah, Stan, when Ah grow up Ah want to be as badass as you are.
STAN: I...I don't know. Something just doesn't feel right.
KYLE: What do you mean?
STAN: It's just that Mr. Viagi told me that karate is only supposed to be for self-defense and that I should always fight with honor.
CARTMAN: What the Hell kind of crap is that!? If Ah was a karate ninja master, Ah'd be all like "Ay! You git your bitch ass outta mah way before Ah kick you a new asshole right in your Goddamn forehead, you f*ckin' slut!"
KYLE: Well, I think that by choosing to fight with honor, you're choosing the right thing to do.
STAN: Really?
KYLE: Yeah. Don't listen to Cartman. He's so stupid he thinks a karate chop comes from a different part of the pig.
[Stan, Kyle, and Kenny laugh.]
CARTMAN: Ay! You just shut your f*ckin' hole, you son-of-a-bitch, or Ah will kick you in the nuts!
[The kids move up in line to where Chef is.]
CHEF: Hello, children!
STAN, KYLE, CARTMAN, AND KENNY: Hey, Chef!
KYLE: What are you doing back from vacation so early, Chef?
CHEF: Oh, those bastards banned me from Club Med for the year, children.
CARTMAN: Yeah, Ah get tired of Whitey holdin' me down, too, brother.
CHEF: Say what?
CARTMAN: Nothin'.
CHEF: So how are my little crackers today?
STAN: Bad.
CHEF: Why bad?
STAN: Chef, have you ever done something that someone told you not to do and then you feel really bad about it later?
CHEF: Oh, children, everybody feels that way at some point in their lives. What did you do?
STAN: I used my martial arts training to kill Mr. Twigg.
CHEF: Mr. who?
KYLE: Mr. Twigg. You know, that stick with a shirt that Mr. Garrison was always carrying around.
CHEF: I thought he carried around Mr. Hat all the time?
KYLE: Yeah, he used to, but now whenever we even mention Mr. Hat's name, he yells at us and tells us never to say Mr. Hat's name again.
CHEF: So, what's the problem, children? It sounds like you did everyone a favor.
STAN: It's just that I disobeyed my Sensei and now I feel really bad about it.
CARTMAN: He's says that his Essay told him to always fight with honor. Heh heh, what a bunch of crap.
STAN: That's "Sensei," you dog sucking piece of sh*t!
[Cartman puts up his fists.}
CARTMAN: Come on, Ralph Macchio!
STAN: (Trying to hold himself back.) No. I must fight with honor. There is no honor in kicking Cartman's ass.
KYLE: Dude, what would your Sensei say about fighting someone bigger than you?
STAN: I dunno, probably something like: "Stanierl-san, when biggel pulson want fight, lememberl one thing: Loshambo."
KYLE: Well, there you go! He would tell you to fight dirty.
STAN: But that's not fighting with honor!
CARTMAN: You guys, are we gonna fight or what? Mah arms are gettin' pretty tired right hya, seriously.
[Ext. view, Mr. Viagi's house. The kids are all going up the sidewalk.]
STAN: Thanks for coming with me, you guys.
KYLE: Whatever, Dude.
CARTMAN: Hey, Stan, is your Essay gonna have pie for us?
STAN: Goddammit, Cartman! I told you it's "Sensei," you f*cking mongoloid!
CARTMAN: Ay! Let's go right now!
STAN: Cartman, I'm gonna kick your ass so hard that from now on, you'll sh*t and piss out of your mouth, you fat f*cking retard!
KYLE: (To Kenny.) Ew.
KENNY: Mnmm!
[Cartman puts his fists up.]
CARTMAN: Come on, bitch! Kick mah ass!
[Stan goes into the Praying Mantis position.]
CARTMAN: What the Hell is this?
[Stan makes all sorts of Bruce Lee sounds and proceeds to kick Cartman's ass all over the yard/deck. Mr. Viagi opens the door and sees the fight.]
MR. VIAGI: Stanierl-san! What you doing!?
[Mr. Viagi breaks up the fight. Cartman is on the ground.]
CARTMAN: (Weakly.) You guys...can't feel...mah legs...seriously.
MR. VIAGI: Why you kick Hell out of fat boy?
CARTMAN: (Weakly.) Ay.
STAN: He dishonored your name, Sensei. So, I kicked his ass.
MR. VIAGI: How many time did he dishonol Viagi-san name?
STAN: I don't know.
KYLE: He called you "Essay" twice.
MR. VIAGI: Two time!? Stanierl-san, imporltant resson: firlst time, forlgive; second time, kick ass. You do light thing.
STAN: Really? Well, I also killed a puppet-thing today, does that count?
MR. VIAGI: Puppet-thing? Hmm...scrlolls of honorl no say anything about puppet-thing. So, Viagi-san not carle.
STAN: Sweet! Did you guys hear that? I can kick any puppet's ass I want!
CARTMAN: (Weakly.) You guys...can't feel...mah tummy...need Cheesy Poofs...
MR. VIAGI: You boys come inside. Viagi-san make chocorate cheese beefy loast forl dinnerl.
[Cartman leaps to his feet.]
CARTMAN: Chocolate cheese beefy roast! Kick ass!
[Int. view, Mr. Viagi's dojo. Mr. Viagi is training Stan while the rest of the kids watch on.]
MR. VIAGI: Stanierl-san, now Viagi-san teach rlat method.
STAN: Rat method? What's that?
MR. VIAGI: Rlat method wherle you lun alound and do this...
[Mr. Viagi gets on all fours and starts scampering around and making rat sounds.]
STAN. Oooookay.
CARTMAN: What the Hell is this bunch of sh*t?
[Mr. Viagi gets back up.]
MR. VIAGI: When do rlat method, idea is to confuse opponent.
KYLE: What do you do then?
MR. VIAGI: Usuarry kick them in nuts, Kyrle-san.
CARTMAN: Aren't you gonna teach Stan the crane technique?
KYLE: Yeah! Or that rattle thing?
MR. VIAGI: What boys talking about?
CARTMAN: You know, that thing where you start standin' on one leg and you put your arms in the air and whenever some dumb-ass comes close enough to you, you kick in the nose and get all that nose blood and snot on your foot.
MR. VIAGI: Viagi-san not forrow, Lardass-san.
CARTMAN: Ay! Did you just say Ah was fat!? Ah'll kick your ass!
[Cartman goes into the crane position, like in the Karate Kid, and falls over. Everyone laughs at Cartman.]
CARTMAN: Goddammit! This isn't funny, you assholes!!
MR. VIAGI: Now, Kyrle-san, what mean this lattrle thingy?
KYLE: It's that thing where when some retard gets close enough to you, you start beating the Hell out of him with both your hands like this.
[Kyle demonstrates the rattle thingy.]
CARTMAN: And then, when the other guy is down, you go up to him and grab him by the back of his head and go "Live or die, man" and he's says "Die" so you kill him right there.
STAN: That's not how it works, you f*cking fat-ass!
CARTMAN: Don't you oppress me, butt-f*cker!
KYLE: Goddammit, Cartman! Nobody is oppressing you!
CARTMAN: Ah happen to know that Ah am in the most oppressed minority in the world.
KYLE: Cartman, you retard! Fat-asses are not oppressed anywhere in the world!
STAN: Yeah! Sometimes people even honor fat-asses.
KYLE: Really?
STAN: Yeah! Remember those National Geographic things we had to watch about cannibals?
KYLE: Oh, yeah!
STAN: You see, Cartman, if you lived with cannibals, you'd be a god to them.
KENNY: Mnmmm nmm mmmnnmm!
CARTMAN: They'd what!?
KYLE: So, anyway, Mr. Viagi, are you going to teach Stan any of that stuff?
MR. VIAGI: Viagi-san want know something firlst.
KYLE: What?
MR. VIAGI: Where boys see such stupid sh*t?
CARTMAN: Well, you know, we were watchin' HBO one day and the announcer guy came on and said something like "The next sh*tty movie on HBO" and then they had a Karate Kid marathon!
KYLE: Yeah! They showed all four movies!
MR. VIAGI: Why they make clap rike that, Viagi-san neverl underlstand.
STAN: What's next, Sensei?
[Slow, sad music starts.]
MR VIAGI: Oh, Stanierl-san, Viagi-san velly sad now. Stanierl-san best student Viagi-san everl teach and, now, tlaining is overl.
STAN: What!?
MR. VIAGI: Stanierl-san, you know everlything Viagi-san know. You leady to fight for yourlserf now.
STAN: So, I guess this is good-bye, then?
MR. VIAGI: Viagi-san wish it werle not, but is.
KYLE: (To Cartman.) Dude, this is so touching.
[Cartman lets out a big, fat, fart. The slow, sad music turns into the sound of a record scratching.]
KYLE: Goddammit, Cartman!
CARTMAN: What?
KYLE: They were having an important good-bye talk and you went and f*cking ruined it with your big, smelly ass!
MR. VIAGI: Stanierl-san. Viagi-san not know what to say. Prease take.
[Mr. Viagi hands Stan a large katana off the wall.]
STAN: Whoa! This is killer!
MR. VIAGI: Sayonara, Stanierl-san. Lemember, arlways fight with honorl.
STAN: I will, Sensai, I will. Sayonara.
[The kids start to exit but as they are doing so, Cartman bumps the pedestal with the Spice Girls CD on it. The CD falls down through Kenny, cutting him in half down the middle. It starts bouncing around the room and keeps coming back to cut Kenny even more until there is nothing but slices of Kenny in a pile.]
STAN: Oh, my God! They've killed Kenny!
KYLE: (Pointing at the CD.) You off-key bastards!
STAN: Sorry about the mess, Sensei.
MR. VIAGI: No wolly, Stanierl-san. Viagi-san know restaurant that take.
KYLE: That's sick, Dude!
STAN: What restaurant is that?
MR. VIAGI: Happy Burlgerl.
[Cartman's eye go wide and his mouth drops open.]
CARTMAN: What!?
KYLE: Dude! You eat there all the time, Cartman!
[Ext. view, South Park Elementary.]
MR. GARRISON: (Voice over.) Now today, class, our new friend, Mr. Flash, is going to teach us all about cell division.
[Int. view, Mr. Garrison's classroom. Mr. Garrison is standing at the front of the room with Mr. Flash in his hand. Mr. Flash is obviously a dildo with a purple shirt on it.]
MR. FLASH: That's right, Mr. Garrison! Cell division is a wonder process of nature. When one cell decides that it's going to be a bastard and leave all its friends, it divides into more bastards and more bastards. Eventually, all these bastard cells divide until they form Casey Kasem.
MR. GARRISON: Are there any questions for Mr. Flash?
[Kyle raises his hand.]
MR. GARRISON: Yes, Kyle, what is now?
KYLE: Um...Mr. Garrison, just what is Mr. Flash again?
MR. GARRISON: Well, he's my best friend, Kyle.
STAN: Uh...yeeeah. Mr. Garrison, I think what Kyle means is what is Mr. Flash supposed to be?
MR. GARRISON: What do you mean?
KYLE: You know, Mr. Hat...
MR. GARRISON: I told you never say that name in my presence!!
KYLE: ...Was a puppet and Mr. Twigg was a...twig. What is Mr. Flash?
MR. GARRISON: Oh, I see. Well, Kyle, Mr. Flash is a flashlight, see?
[Mr. Garrison turns Mr. Flash on and Mr. Flash starts vibrating.]
KYLE: Mr. Garrison?
MR. GARRISON: What, Kyle?
KYLE: If Mr. Flash is a flashlight why isn't there any light coming of out him?
STAN: Yeah! And why is he shaking like that?
MR. GARRISON: I, uh...you see, children...um...It's time for recess!
[The kids all cheer and start to go outside.]
KYLE: Hey, Cartman, Mr. Flash looks like that dildo we found in your mom's room!
CARTMAN: You shut up, ass-rammer!
[Ext. view, the playground. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman are talking over by the wall. The rest of the class is playing on the equipment.]
STAN: Hey, Cartman, why does your mom have a dildo?
CARTMAN: Shut up! Ah...Ah mean, what is that?
KYLE: Oh, come on, Cartman! That was weak! Seriously, though, why does your mom have a dildo when she has a penis?
CARTMAN: Awright, listen! Ah have had enough of you guys makin' fun of mah mom all the time! Ah am gonna...
[A bell rings.]
KYLE: What the Hell was that?
[Stan looks at his watch.]
STAN: Oh, weak, Dude!
KYLE: What is it?
STAN: It's time for the fifth graders' recess!
[Nail and the bullies start circling Stan, Kyle, and Cartman.]
CARTMAN: Aw, man, this is not coo.
KYLE: Shut up, Cartman! We've got Stan if anything happens. Right, Stan?
STAN: Uh...yeah, I guess.
CARTMAN: You guys, this really not coo, seriously.
BULLY #1: Hey! I thought we says to not let us see yer face here 'gain.
BULLY #2: Let's git 'im!
KYLE: Stan, don't just let them kick your ass again! Fight back this time!
CARTMAN: Heh heh, yeah, don't just scream like a girl when they beat the sh*t out of you.
STAN: (Thinking to himself.) I've got to stay focused. Now, what would Sensei say in this situation.
[Flashback effects. Everything is in black and white.]
MR. VIAGI: Lememberl to fight with honorl, Stanierl-san. Neverl use morle forlce than neceselly.
[Cut back to the play ground. Everything is back in color.]
STAN: Goddammit!
KYLE: What?
STAN: Mr. Viagi would tell me to only use as much force as necessary!
KYLE: So? These guys want to kill you, remember?
STAN: Hey, yeah!
[Stan starts using the rat method. He runs around on all fours for a while and tries to confuse the two bullies. Nail is standing a ways back, looking confused. Finally, Stan rushes the bullies and takes out their knees from behind.]
KYLE: (To Cartman.) Dude, this is pretty f*cked up right here.
[Stan climbs to the top of a slide and jumps off to deliver a flying elbow drop onto one the bullies.]
KYLE AND CARTMAN: Go Stan!
[The rest of the children start forming a circle around the fight. Some people run into the background and start setting up a table and a pair of microphones. They leave and two announcers sit at the table.]
ANNOUNCER #1: Hello and good morning from the South Park Elementary playground.
ANNOUNCER #2: That's right, Chet! It looks like our match today will be little Stan Marsh versus three bullies!
ANNOUNCER #1: That's nWo tactics if I've ever seen them, Frank!
[Announcer #2 covers up his microphone.]
ANNOUNCER #2: (To Announcer #1.) Chet, you're doing it again.
ANNOUNCER #1: What?
ANNOUNCER #2: That stupid wrestling thing again! Cut it out! Nobody gets it; nobody cares; nobody gives a sh*t.
ANNOUNCER #1: Right. Sorry.
[Announcer #2 uncovers his mic.]
ANNOUNCER #2: It looks like Stan has defeated two of his opponents and Nail is going to enter the fight now!
ANNOUNCER #1: That's just common nWo style, Frank. First, they wear the man down, then they send in the big guns to finish him.
[Announcer #2 lay his head down on the table. Sobbing sounds can be heard.]
ANNOUNCER #1: Frank? Frank, you OK?
KYLE: Come on, Stan! You can do it!
CARTMAN: Ah've got your back, soldier!
[Pan back to show that Cartman is sitting on top of the other two bullies. He farts on them and they both groan.]
CARTMAN: Yeah, that's right! You just stay down there.
BULLY #2: Stupid...gay third...grader.
ANNOUNCER #1: It's...it's Sting!!
[Announcer #2 clobbers Announcer #1 with his mic, resulting in that awful feedback sound.]
[Cut back to shot of Cartman. We hear Stan scream like a little girl, a horrible crunch, and silence.]
ANNOUNCER #2: That looks like the end of it! Nail has powerbombed his way to another victory!
[Cut to a shot of Stan folded in half backwards over a teeter-totter.]
CARTMAN: Man. Ah wonder if they'll have pie at his funeral?
[Cut to commercial.]
[Ext. view, the bus stop. Kyle and Cartman are there.]
KYLE: Dude, I wonder if Stan is coming to school today? He really took a beating yesterday.
CARTMAN: Yeah. He got the sh*t kicked out of him.
[Stan, with two black eyes and a bandage around his head, walks up to the bus stop.]
STAN: Hey, guys.
KYLE AND CARTMAN: Hey, Stan.
KYLE: Dude, are you OK?
STAN: Yeah. I just feel like I failed Mr. Viagi.
CARTMAN: Is it because you got your bitch ass kicked like a little girl?
[Stan kicks Cartman in the back of the head. Cartman falls face first into the snow.]
KYLE: Why?
STAN: Well, I fought those first two guys with honor like Mr. Viagi taught me, but when I fought Nail, I got my ass handed to me.
KYLE: I don't think you should feel that way, Stan.
STAN: Really?
KYLE: Yeah! You showed those assholes that you aren't going to put up with their sh*t anymore and proved that you're willing to fight if you have to.
[Cartman pulls his face out of the snow.]
CARTMAN: Yeah! And you showed them that you know how to get your ass kicked like a little girl! Bwahahahahahaha!
[Stan stomps on the back of Cartman's head and drives his face into the snow again.]
STAN: You're right, Kyle. And you know what? I think I learned something today.
[The slow piano music starts up.]
KYLE: Really? What?
STAN: I learned that no matter how hard you train, no matter how much honor you fight with, there will always be somebody who is bigger and stronger and better than you and if that person comes looking for fight, it's best to just run like Hell.
KYLE: Totally, Dude.
[Cartman gets up. A man walks up to the bus stop. He is wearing a big, black cowboy hat, boots, a bunch of stuff that says "CBS" on it, and a beard.]
MAN: Hello, boys.
STAN, KYLE, AND CARTMAN: Hi.
MAN: Is one of you Stan Marsh?
STAN: Yeah, that's me!
MAN: Nice to meet you, Stan. I'm TV's Chuck Norris. I hear you really know how to take care of yourself.
STAN, KYLE, AND CARTMAN: Chuck Norris!!
KYLE: (To Stan.) Dude, who's Chuck Norris?
[Stan shrugs.]
CHUCK NORRIS: Maybe you boys have heard of my show on CBS: "Walker, Texas Ranger."
STAN: You! You son-of-a-bitch!
CHUCK NORRIS: What?
STAN: I tried to learn karate by watching your f*cking show and I nearly died from boredom!
KYLE: Stan? Calm down, Dude.
STAN: I will not calm down! I'm going to kick your ass, Norris!
CHUCK NORRIS: You wanna piece of me!? Come on, bitch!
[Chuck Norris goes into an offensive stance. Stan just stands still.]
CHUCK NORRIS: Let's go! Right here, right now!
[Stan is just standing there.]
CHUCK NORRIS: What are you, afraid to get your ass kicked, little girl?
[Stan is still standing there.]
CHUCK NORRIS: I eat kids twice your size for breakfast, you little pansy-ass foo-foo! Come on!
[Stan is still standing there.]
KYLE: Um�Stan? I think you should do something.
CHUCK NORRIS: Ooooooh, the little bitch needs help from his friends, huh?
STAN: (Eerily peaceful.) Enough of this. Now is the time for pain to be dealt.
CHUCK NORRIS: What trickery is this!?
STAN: (Eerily peaceful.) No trickery. Just punishment.
CHUCK NORRIS: Yeah! For you!
STAN: (Eerily peaceful.) No. For you.
[Chuck Norris goes into a display in an attempt to intimidate Stan. Stan stands still for moment and finally roshamboes Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris falls into the snow, coughing up blood.]
KYLE: Dude! Where did you learn to do that!?
STAN: Mr. Viagi taught me.
KYLE: Hey, Cartman? You wanna play roshambo with Stan now?
CARTMAN: (Sarcastically.) Uh�let me see hya�gee, OK, Kyle! Let me get mah nuts splattered all over mah pants like Chunk Norris hya! Do you guys think Ah'm an idiot?
STAN AND KYLE: Yes.
[The kids start to leave.]
CARTMAN: Ay! Ah'll kick your asses for that!
CHUCK NORRIS: (Extremely weakly.) Kill�you�guys�seriously.
[Rolls credits. Instead of the normal song, there is William Shatner's version of "Tambourine Man."]
Another Lost Year of Trick-or-Treating By Mr. Dead
[Warnings, song, and titles (Halloween version).]
[Big block letters read: �October 29.�]
[Ext. view, the bus stop. The kids are all there.]
CARTMAN: Hey, you guys, this year Ah�m gonna have a kick-ass Halloween costume!
STAN: What are you going as?
KYLE: Probably a Cheesy Poof, huh?
CARTMAN: Goddammit! Why is it that every year you always guess what Ah�m gonna be!?
KYLE: (Sarcastically.) Oh, I don�t know, Cartman. Maybe because you�ve been a damn Cheesy Poof for the last three years!
KENNY: Mmmnmm nnmmm!
[Stan, Kyle, and Kenny laugh.]
STAN: Yeah!
[The bus pulls up and the door opens.]
MISS CRABTREE: Get on! We�re runnin� late!
STAN: Eh, f*ck you.
MISS CRABTREE: What did you say!?
STAN: Uh...I said Cartman wants to hug you.
MISS CRABTREE: Oh. Well, I guess that�s all right.
KYLE: Go on, Dude, hug her!
CARTMAN: You guys, this is f*ckin� weak! I don�t wanna hug her!
STAN: Goddammit, Cartman! Just hug the bitch so we can get the Hell out of here!
CARTMAN: Weak!
[Stan, Kyle, and Kenny get on board the bus. Cartman stays outside.]
KYLE: Come on, Fatty! Get your ass in here and hug her!
CARTMAN: Ah am not fat, you son-of-a-bitch!
STAN: Whatever. Just do it!
CARTMAN: You guys are a bunch of assholes, seriously.
[Cartman climbs on board the bus.]
CARTMAN: (Under his breath.) Hate you guys.
[He gives Miss Crabtree a little hug.]
MISS CRABTREE: There, now. That wasn�t so bad, was it?
CARTMAN: Well, Ah...
MISS CRABTREE: Now sit down and shut up!! Ahhhhhh!
CARTMAN: Yes, Ma�am!
[He runs to his usual seat.]
STAN: Oh, sh*t!
KYLE: What is it, Dude?
STAN: I forgot to chain Sparky up this morning!
CARTMAN: Oh, listen to this! Stan�s little homo dog is running around the town screwing all the other boy dogs!
[Stan reaches under his seat and picks up a shoe. He throws the shoe at Cartman and hits him in the head.]
KYLE: Well, you have a fence around you back yard, don�t you?
STAN: Yeah.
KYLE: Then don�t worry, Stan. Sparky can�t get out.
STAN: Hey, yeah!
[Ext. view, Stan�s back yard. Sparky is sniffing at a spot on the ground in the middle of the yard. He starts digging at that spot.]
[Ext. view, South Park Elementary.]
[Int. view, Mr. Garrison�s classroom. It has been decorated for Halloween.]
MR. GARRISON: All right, class, settle down. Since Halloween is coming up in a few days, our friend, Mr. Hat, thought that it would be a good idea to teach you about where the word �Halloween� came from.
[The class groans.]
MR. HAT: You all shut up and go to Hell! Now, the word Halloween has its origins in the Greek holiday of Richard Simmons� birthday. It was first celebrated when the Pilgrims landed their rickshaws at Antarctica in the Southwestern United States and...
STAN: So, what are you going to be this year, Kyle?
KYLE: I don't know. I was thinking about being Terrance or Phillip.
CARTMAN: Hey, Stan, are you gonna be a little gay clown again this year?
STAN: Shut the Hell up, Cartman! At least my mom doesn�t have a penis!
CARTMAN: Ay!
MR. GARRISON: Is there a problem, Eric?
CARTMAN: No, Mr. Garrison.
MR. GARRISON: Well, apologize to Mr. Hat; you interrupted his lesson.
CARTMAN: (Very reluctantly.) Ah�m sorry, Mr. Garrison.
MR. GARRISON: Don�t apologize to me! Apologize to Mr. Hat! You hurt his feelings!
KYLE: But he�s just a puppet; he doesn�t have any feelings.
MR. GARRISON: No one asked you, Jew-boy. Now, just apologize to him Eric!
CARTMAN: (Very reluctantly.) Ah�m sorry, Mr. Hat.
MR. HAT: Apology accepted, Eric. Now, you go to Hell! You go to Hell and you die!
[Ext. view, the playground. Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny are standing around talking.]
STAN: OK. It�s agreed. This year, there will be no eating the people giving us candy. Right, Kenny?
[Kenny shrugs.]
KYLE: Maybe we should decide on what we�re going to be this year, too!
STAN: Good idea, Kyle. Cartman, what are you going to be?
CARTMAN: Well, Ah haven�t given it much thought but...
KYLE: We all know you�re going to be a f*cking Cheesy Poof, Cartman!
CARTMAN: Oh, yeah! Well, if you�re so Goddamn smart then maybe you can tell me what special feature mah costume will have!?
STAN, KYLE, AND KENNY: (Very mechanically.) It will be a real giant Cheesy Poof so in case we don�t get any candy so you can eat it.
KYLE: But you�ll eat it anyway.
CARTMAN: What!? Ah�ll have you know that Ah have never eaten mah costume!
STAN: Cartman, when we�re finished, you always have all that orange powered cheese crap all over your face and hands!
CARTMAN: So? It�s a real Cheesy Poof, remember? Ah�m bound to get that cheese powder all over mah face and hands.
KYLE: Yeah, but your costume doesn�t cover your hands or your face, fat-ass!
CARTMAN: Oh, yeah!? Well...well, Kenny�s family is poor!
[There is silence.]
CARTMAN: Ah said, �Kenny�s family is poor,� Goddammit!
STAN: No sh*t, Cartman! We all know Kenny�s family is poor.
KYLE: Yeah! So what?
CARTMAN: Uh...his family is so poor that...uh...they have to...uh boil their toilet water so they can have somethin� to drink.
[Stan, Kyle, and Cartman laugh. Kenny punches Cartman in the face.]
KYLE: So, Stan, what are you going to be?
STAN: I was thinking that I could go as Boba Fett this year! There�s this killer costume at my Uncle Jimbo�s store!
KYLE: Why the Hell is your uncle selling Halloween costumes?
STAN: He�s not; he�s giving them away with a purchase of a gun!
KYLE: Really? Sweet! That�ll work perfectly for what I want to be!
CARTMAN: Ah thought you wanted to be Terrance or Phillip?
KYLE: Well, yeah, but not if someone else isn�t going to be the other one!
STAN: So, what are you going as?
KYLE: Remember those movies we were watching with that guy from �Xena: Warrior Princess� and �Hercules: The Legendary Journeys?�
STAN, CARTMAN, AND KENNY: No.
KYLE: You know that guy! He�s always wearing green and he�s got that really gay looking mustache?
STAN: Oh! You mean the guy from those �Evil Dead� movies!
KYLE: Yeah! I�m gonna be him!
CARTMAN: Yeah, but you�d, like, hafta chop off your hand.
STAN: Wow, Dude. That�s gonna suck.
CARTMAN: Yeah, then we can call him Kyle the Jewish Gimp.
KYLE: It�ll all be worth it for the sake of candy!
[Cut to commercial.]
[Ext. view, Stan�s back yard. Sparky is still digging away. There is a fairly large mound of dirt outside of the hole along with some feathers.]
[Big block letters read: �October 29, 3:03 PM.� We stay with Sparky for about a minute until the block letters read: �October 29, 3:04 PM (a little bit later).�]
[Ext. view, Jimbo�s Guns. The kids are walking up the sidewalk to Jimbo�s store.]
STAN: What kind of gun do you need, Kyle?
KYLE: I think I need a sawed off shotgun. Does your uncle sell any?
STAN: I don�t know; let�s find out.
[The kids go into Jimbo�s store. Jimbo and Ned are both inside.]
STAN: Hi, Uncle Jimbo. Hi, Ned.
NED: Mmmmm...Hello, Stan...mmmmmm.
JIMBO: Well, if it ain�t my nephew, Stanley! How the Hell are ya, Stanley?
STAN: I�m fine.
JIMBO: That�s great! What can I do for ya, Stan?
STAN: Uncle Jimbo, my friend Kyle here needs a gun for his Halloween costume.
JIMBO: For a Halloween costume, huh? Well, if it�s a handgun you need, you�ll have to wait seven days to get it.
KYLE: No, I just need a shotgun.
JIMBO: Oh, Hell! I can get you one of those right now!
STAN: Uncle Jimbo, why would it take seven days to get a handgun but Kyle could get a shotgun right now?
JIMBO: Well, ya see, Stanley, the Democrats say that it�s dangerous to get a handgun on the spot but they don�t say anything about shotguns or rifles, so it must be OK.
STAN: Ooooh! You sure are smart, Uncle Jimbo.
CARTMAN: Man, I hate those damn Democrats! Every time Ah find somethin� Ah like them come along and say �No! You can�t play with that cause it�s too fun! Now start throwin� Jell-O at mah nuts again while I dress up like Hitler and sing the Sound of Music!�
[Everyone just stares at Cartman.]
STAN: Cartman, what the Hell are you talking about!?
CARTMAN: Ah�m just sayin� Ah think gettin� the gun now is coo, that�s all.
JIMBO: Alrighty, then! What kind of shotgun are you lookin� for?
KYLE: Well, what kinds are there?
JIMBO: Well, there�s your pump action, single barrel, double barrel...
KYLE: I want a sawed off one that I never have to reload!
JIMBO: What?
STAN: You know, like in those �Evil Dead� movies where the guy loads his shotgun one time and never has to reload ever again.
JIMBO: Oh, one of those! We just got �em in today. Here try it on and see how it looks.
[Jimbo gets a sawed off shotgun out from behind the counter and hands it to Kyle. Kyle goes and looks in the mirror.]
KYLE: Come get some. Good. Bad. I�m the guy with the gun.
CARTMAN: Jesus Christ, Kyle, what the Hell are you doing!?
KYLE: I�m saying lines from those movies so I know if the whole thing works or not.
[Kyle starts pointing the shotgun around the room. Kenny pulls his hood shut and jumps behind a coat rack.]
JIMBO: Well, what do you think there?
KYLE: This kicks ass! How much for it?
JIMBO: Well, I�m not supposed to sell to minors...
KYLE: Why?
STAN: Yeah! They sell guns to kids at Wal-Mart!
CARTMAN: Yeah, it�s like that whiny bitch, Sheryl Cow...
KYLE: That�s Sheryl Crow, you f*cking retard!
CARTMAN: Ay! F*ck you! Anyway, it�s like that whiny bitch Sheryl Cow says in that song where she�s all like (Cartman attempts to sing.) �Ah�m leaving Las Veeeeeegassss!� Goddammn! Just shut the f*ck up and leave already! You�re giving me a f*ckin� migraine!
JIMBO: Well, if Wal-Mart does it, then it must be all right. OK, son, what do you have?
[Kyle digs through his pockets.]
KYLE: Um...I�ve got some lint, a nickel, a safety pin, and a gum wrapper.
JIMBO: That looks good enough for me. Here you go!
[Kyle gives Jimbo his stuff and Jimbo gives Kyle a receipt.]
STAN: Uncle Jimbo, what about the costume?
JIMBO: What? Oh, yeah. Go ahead, Stanley, get your Halloween costume.
[Stan gets the Boba Fett costume.]
JIMBO: Now that is an excellent choice! Boba Fett. The most feared bounty hunter in the Star Wars universe. Now that�s a man you can admire!
NED: Mmmmmm...He�s no good to me dead...mmmmmm!
STAN: Thanks, Uncle Jimbo!
JIMBO: You bet, Stan! Be sure and tell your friends that they can get any gun they want here!
[Ext. view, Stan�s back yard. Sparky is still digging. The dirt mound has gotten larger and now there are bits of bones laying on the ground as well.]
[Big block letters read: �October 29, 5:23.�]
[Int. view, Stan�s living room. The kids are sitting on the couch watching TV.]
[Shot of TV screen. Jesus and Pals is on.]
ANNOUNCER: And now back to Jesus and Pals on South Park Public Access.
JESUS: Yea. Know that I am the way. Death shall not overcome ye. I�d like to open the lines up for some callers. But, first, I�d like to say a few words about Halloween.
[Sounds of the kids groaning. Someone changes the channel so that now, Fat Abbot is on.]
FAT ABBOT: Hey hey hey! Who wants to go get a piece of ass?
RUDY: Man, Fat Abbot! You are so fat you can�t even reach around and get a piece of your own ass!
FAT ABBOT: Shut up, bitch!
[Cut back to the kids on the couch.]
CARTMAN: Man, Fat Abbot is coo. Ah wanna be like him someday!
KYLE: At the rate you eat Cheesy Poofs, you will be like him someday!
CARTMAN: Ay! Ah�ll kick your ass!
[Cartman and Kyle start fighting in the midst of the struggle, the remote falls off the couch, hits the floor, and changes the channel to Cartoon Central. The Terrance and Phillip Halloween Special is on.]
[Cut to shot of the TV screen again.]
PHILLIP: Oh, Terrance?
TERRANCE: What is it, Phillip?
PHILLIP: Remember those beans we had the other night?
TERRANCE: Do I ever, Phillip!
[Terrance farts. They both laugh.]
[Cut to a shot of the kids on the couch. They�re all laughing. Cut back to the TV.]
PHILLIP: Well, I�m afraid a few of them fell into some kind of radioactive goo and now they have mutated into gigantic man-eating beans! All of Canada is in danger!
TERRANCE: Then I guess there�s just one thing to do, Phillip. We must eat these radioactive mutant beans to save Canada!
PHILLIP: For Canada, Terrance!
TERRANCE: For Canada, Phillip!
[They start singing �O, Canada.� As they are doing so, zombies break through the floorboards, windows, and doors of their house. All of the zombies have the letter �z� on their chests. They join in on �O, Canada.�]
[Cut back to the kids.]
STAN: Man, this is sweet!
KYLE: Yeah! How do they come up with this stuff?
KENNY: Mmmnmmm mmn mmmm nnmmmm!
STAN: Really?
KYLE: Yeah, but wouldn�t acid just eat them?
[Ext. view, Stan�s backyard. Big block letters read: �October 30.� Sparky is digging at the hole still. Now there are a few skulls and rib cages out on the ground.]
[Ext. view, South Park Elementary. The Booktastic bus is there.]
KYLE: Man, why does this Goddamn bus come to our school so often?
[Int. view, the Booktastic bus. The kids are looking at the books.]
CARTMAN: Hey! This one looks pretty coo.
[Cartman holds up a big black book that says �Necronomicon Ex Mortus, DO NOT READ� on the front cover.]
STAN: What the Hell is that?
KYLE: Goddammit, Cartman!
CARTMAN: What?
KYLE: That�s not a real book!
CARTMAN: What do you mean!? Ah just picked it up right hya, you disbelieving son-of-a-bitch!
KYLE: Goddammit! Don�t call my mom a bitch, fat-ass!
CARTMAN: (Mocking Kyle in a high, whiny voice.) Don�t call mah mom a bitch! Fine! Ah�ll just put this f*ckin� book back then, asshole!
[The kids go back to looking at the books.]
STAN: Hey, Kyle! Check this out!
[Stan holds up the same book that Cartman just put down.]
KYLE: Sweet! Where did you find it, Dude?
CARTMAN: Ay! That�s the same f*ckin� book that Ah just showed you, ass-f*cker!
KYLE: Shut up, Cartman.
CARTMAN: (Whining.) But Ah�m the one who found it...eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEE!
[An overweight, unshaven man comes over to the boys. He is wearing the same outfit at the original Booktastic book guy.]
MAN: Are you kids gonna buy that book, or what? I�ve got some serious drinkin� to do.
CARTMAN: Hey! Is he related to your dad, Kenny? Bwahahahahahahhahahahah!
[Kenny roshambos Cartman.]
CARTMAN: Damn your black heart, Kenny McCormick! Damn it to Hell!
KYLE: How much is this book?
MAN: (Uninterested.) Does it have a price on it?
[Stan and Kyle search the book for a price tag.]
STAN: No.
MAN: (Uninterested.) Then it must be free. Take it and get the f*ck out of my bus.
[Cut to commercial.]
[Ext. view, Stan�s back yard. Big block letters read: �October 30, 1:17.� Sparky is still digging. The camera pans around the yard to show that Sparky has dug up about 40 complete skeletons.]
[Int. view, Mr. Garrison�s classroom.]
MR. GARRISON: Now, today, class, Mr. Hat would like to discuss Halloween safety.
[The class groans.]
MR. HAT: That�s right, Mr. Garrison. Now when you�re trick-or-treating it�s always a good idea to remember that some houses don�t just give you candy, you have to whore yourself out to get it...
[Shot of the class. Kyle is fidgeting around in his seat.]
STAN: What�s the matter, Kyle?
KYLE: I don�t know, Dude. There�s something that�s just not right about this book I got.
CARTMAN: Ah know what�s wrong with it!
KYLE: Really? What?
CARTMAN: Well, for starters, there are no recipes for mega sweety candy covered chocolate cheese chicken an� fish pie!
STAN: Mega what?
CARTMAN: Mega sweety candy covered chocolate cheese chicken an� fish pie.
KENNY: Mmnnmm mmn mmnmnm nnmmmn mm!
KYLE: Sick, Dude!
MR. GARRISON: Are there any questions?
[Stan raises his hand.]
MR. GARRISON: Yes, Stanley?
STAN: You know how cats always land on their feet and toast always lands buttered side down?
MR. GARRISON: Yes, go on?
STAN: Well, if you put a piece of toast on a cat�s back butter side up and then threw the cat out a window, would it just sit there in midair or would it fall?
MR. GARRISON: Well, I...I really don�t know that, Stanley.
STAN: Oh.
[Cartman raises his hand.]
MR. GARRISON: No, Eric, it isn�t time for lunch yet.
CARTMAN: No, Ah have a question right hya, seriously.
MR. GARRISON: Oh. All right, what is it?
CARTMAN: Can we go to the library?
STAN: What!? Why the Hell do you want to go there!?
MR. GARRISON: Stanley, please, I can handle this. Mr. Hat, what do you think, should we send the children to the library?
MR. HAT: Well, Mr. Garrison, no! No no no no no no no no! They can all go to Hell where birds will peck at their eyes for eternity and rats gnaw on their toes!!
MR. GARRISON: I�m afraid we can�t today, Eric.
CARTMAN: (Under his breath.) Goddamn Bret-Favre-lovin� gay puppet.
[Kyle raises his hand.]
MR. GARRISON: Yes, Kyle?
KYLE: Mr. Garrison, can we to go the library?
MR. GARRISON: Let me ask, Mr. Hat again. Mr. Hat? Kyle asked we could go to the library; what do you think?
MR. HAT: Well, all right. Send the little f*ckers to the library.
MR. GARRISON: Well, class it looks like we�re going to the library!
[The class groans.]
MR. HAT: You all shut up and die! You die and you get your skin peeled off while you�re still alive in Hell!
[Ext. view, Stan�s back yard. Big block letters read: �October 30, 2:03.� Sparky has dug up around 60 complete skeletons.]
[Int. view, South Park Elementary library. The class is in various places in the library. Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny are all sitting at the same table.]
STAN: This place is weird. Why did you want to come here, Kyle?
KYLE: Because, Dude, this book I got is all in some other language. I thought that maybe there would be a book in here that would help me translate it.
[The librarian comes to their table.]
LIBRARIAN: Can I take your order?
STAN: Hey! Don�t I know you from somewhere?
LIBRARIAN: Do you ever watch movies?
STAN: Well, yeah.
LIBRARIAN: Zombie movies?
STAN: Yeah.
LIBRARIAN: Evil Dead movies?
STAN: Yeah! Those movies kick ass!
LIBRARIAN: Well, thank you.
CARTMAN: What the Hell are you talkin� about?
LIBRARIAN: You see, boys, I was in those movies. I�m Bruce Campbell.
KYLE: Bruce Campbell!?
STAN: Sweet! You kick ass, Dude!
KYLE: Yeah! I�m going to be you for Halloween!
BRUCE CAMPBELL: Me from the Evil Dead movies or me from those God-awful Hercules and Xena shows?
KYLE: The Evil Dead movies.
BRUCE CAMPBELL: That�s a relief.
STAN: If you hate those Hercules and Xena shows, why are you on them all the time?
BRUCE CAMPBELL: Hey, I gotta pay bills, too, kid.
CARTMAN: What�re you doin� in South Park?
BRUCE CAMPBELL: Slumming, sort of. I have a cousin out here that has some sort of animal sanctuary, or something, that I�m visiting.
STAN: You mean Big Gay Al!?
BRUCE CAMPBELL: You know him?
STAN: Yeah, Dude! He helped me get back my gay dog, Sparky!
BRUCE CAMPBELL: I�ll have to tell him I saw you! What can I do for you boys?
KYLE: Yeah! Do you have anything that could help me translate this?
[Kyle shows the Necronomicon to Bruce Campbell.]
BRUCE CAMPBELL: Let�s see here. Hmmm...Necronomicon Ex Mortus, huh? I know I know that name from somewhere...
CARTMAN: Wasn�t that the name of that book in those movies an� it�s all, like, wrapped up in human skin and written in blood an� when you read stuff in it you, like, give the evil dead license to rise from the dead and try to take over the world and stuff?
[Bruce Campbell reaches down, picks up Cartman with one hand, and holds him up off the floor.]
BRUCE CAMPBELL: Listen, fatty! Do I tell you how to do your job!? Do I!?
CARTMAN: N-no, sir!
BRUCE CAMPBELL: Now, don�t interrupt me again, got it!?
CARTMAN: N-no, sir! Ah mean, y-yes sir!
KYLE: Dude! Cartman�s peeing himself!
[Bruce Campbell sets Cartman back in his chair with an audible squishing sound.]
BRUCE CAMPBELL: I�ll be right back. And I want that mess cleaned up by the time I return, fat-ass.
CARTMAN: (Under his breath.) Well, at least Ah don�t have a gay homosexual cousin!
BRUCE CAMPBELL: What was that!?
CARTMAN: Ah...Ah said �Yes, sir!�
KYLE: Damn, Cartman! He made you his bitch!
CARTMAN: Shut up, Goddammit! Ah am not gonna take that sh*t from you anymore. Screw you guys. Ah�m goin� home.
[Cartman gets up and leaves. As he is walking away, we can hear squishing sounds with each step.]
BRUCE CAMPBELL: (Off screen.) Hey! Where do you think you�re going, lard-ass!?
CARTMAN: (Off screen.) Ay! Ah am not fat, Goddammit! Mah brain is just so big that it�s spread across mah whole body.
BRUCE CAMPBELL: (Off screen.) Well, that explains why you�re such a retard: you walk and sit on your brain all the time! Now get your ass back in that chair!
[Cartman comes running, with the squishing sounds, back into the picture and sits down, with the squishing sounds again. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are laughing at Cartman the whole time.]
STAN: Damn, Cartman! I�ve never seen anyone fold over so quick in my life!
CARTMAN: Ay! He�s a lot bigger than me!
KYLE: He�s definitely not fatter that you!
[Stan, Kyle, and Kenny laugh.]
CARTMAN: This is f*ckin� weak! Ah can�t leave and Ah can�t stay hya! Ah�m gonna kick someone�s ass!
[Cartman gets up and walks, with the squishing sounds, to the children�s section. Pip is there reading some book about bunnies. Cartman�s shadow creeps up on Pip until is covers him.]
PIP: Oh! Cheerio, Eric! Would you like to sit down with me and...
[Cut back to the table with the kids at it. Pip comes flying into the shot and lands in front of the table.]
PIP: (Coughing.) Glad...to be of...assistance, Eric.
[Pip passes out and Cartman and his squishing sounds come back to the table. Bruce Campbell walks back to the table with a book in hand.]
BRUCE CAMPBELL: (To Pip.) Hey, kid! No bleeding on my carpets! Get up!
[Pip comes to.]
PIP: But...I�m very badly...hurt!
BRUCE CAMPBELL: Shut up, kid, nobody�s buyin� it! Get lost!
PIP: Right-o.
[Pip leaves.]
BRUCE CAMPBELL: Now then. Here�s a book on the Kandarian language, Kyle. This should help.
KYLE: Kick ass! Thanks, Mr. Campbell!
BRUCE CAMPBELL: You can call me Ash.
CARTMAN: This kicks ass! We know Ash!
BRUCE CAMPBELL: I didn�t say you could call me Ash, fatso! It�s Mr. Bruce Campbell to you!
CARTMAN: Goddammit!
[Cut to commercial.]
[Ext. view, Stan�s back yard. Big block letters read: �October 30, 4:34.� There all the skeletons have been assembled somehow and some are wearing armor and have swords, axes, bows and arrows, etc. laying by their sides. Sparky circles around in one spot for a few seconds, lays down, and goes to sleep.]
[Ext. view, Kyle�s house. It�s decorated for Halloween.]
[Int. view, Kyle�s room. The kids and Ike are all there.]
STAN: So, why did you want all of us here, Kyle?
CARTMAN: Yeah! Ah�m missin� the New Welcome Back Kotter for your little sissy-poo meeting, Goddammit!
KENNY: Mnmmnm mmnmmn nnmm mnmm!
KYLE: Dude, your Dad gets Skinemax! How could you ever miss those movies!?
CARTMAN: Heh, yeah. The only channel on Kenny�s family�s TV is that one where people are all, like, �How are you doin� today� and then some guy goes �Ah�ll let you decide that� and then everybody starts gettin� all naked and then Ah pass out!
[The all stare at Cartman.]
CARTMAN: What?
STAN: Do it, Kenny.
[Kenny starts wailing away on Cartman. After a while, Stan and Kyle pull him off.]
KYLE: All right, Kenny. I think fat-ass here has learned his lesson.
IKE: Guh...fadass!
CARTMAN: Shut up, ya little dildo!
STAN: So, why are we here, Dude?
KYLE: Well, I wanted to see if we could get this book all translated tonight.
STAN: Then why is Ike here?
KYLE: My mom said I have to watch him tonight while my parents go to the movies.
STAN: Well, can�t we put him somewhere so he�s not in the way all the time?
KYLE: Good thinking, Dude!
[Kyle gets one of those plastic milk carton boxes and puts it over Ike.]
KYLE: Now, Cartman, you sit here. And no farting! If Ike is dead when my parents get home, they�ll kill me!
[Cartman sits on the box. The sides start to buckle and the top sags down considerably. Ike can barely move.]
KYLE: OK. Let�s get to work!
[Film montage of Stan, Kyle, and Kenny working on translations while Cartman eats, watches TV, eats, sleeps, eats, watches more TV, eats.]
KYLE: Sweet! That�s it! We finished it!
STAN: Yeah, and look! We�ve still got time to get home and watch Terrance and Phillip!
CARTMAN: Kick ass!
[The kids, except Ike, leave Kyle�s room. We can see the criss-cross pattern from the box on Cartman�s ass.]
[Ext. view, Kyle�s house. By now, it�s nighttime and the sky is black. The kids are standing on the doorstep.]
KYLE: Thanks for the help, you guys!
STAN: No problem, Dude. See you tomorrow!
KYLE: Later, Stan! Hey, Cartman! Nice pants!
[Kyle, Stan, and Kenny all laugh at the pattern on Cartman�s ass.]
CARTMAN: Goddammit! Now, listen! Why am Ah always the one you assholes make fun of!? Kenny�s family is poor!
STAN: So?
CARTMAN: They�re poor, Goddammit!
KYLE: Dude, that�s harsh: making fun of Kenny�s family just because they�re poor!
CARTMAN: You guys say Ah�m fat all the time, seriously!
STAN: That�s different, lard-mouth!
CARTMAN: Ay!
[Int. view, Kyle�s room. Ike goes over to the Necronomicon.]
[Ext. view, Kyle�s front yard. The kids are still there.]
CARTMAN: That�s it! Screw you guys, Ah�m goin� home!
[Cartman walks off.]
KYLE: You were leaving anyway, you f*cking retard!
[Stan and Kenny leave the shot.]
CARTMAN: (Off screen and distant.) Screw you, hippie!
[Int. view, Kyle�s room. Ike is standing over the Necronomicon, which is lying open, and talking in the usual gibbering he does. Lightning flashes ominously outside the window.]
[Ext. view, Stan�s back yard. Big block letters read: �October 30, 9:37.� Camera pans to get a close look at one of the skeletons. It�s eyes turn red and it gets up. The other skeletons follow suit. As they are leaving, Sparky wakes up and grabs hold of one of the skeleton�s leg and pulls it off. The skeleton crawls away as Sparky gnaws on the bone.]
[Int. view, Stan�s house. Stan is sitting on the couch watching TV.]
[Cut to shot of the TV screen. Fat Abbot is on.]
FAT ABBOT: Hey hey hey! I just rolled up on them suckas down the street and smoked they asses wit� my AK!
RUDY: Fat Abbot, you so fat you probably smothered them to death wit� your fat rolls!
FAT ABBOT: Shut up, bitch!
[Fat Abbot is interrupted by a news flash.]
NEWSCASTER: We interrupt this cartoon to bring you an important announcement. We now go to our reporter live on the scene, a man wearing a Little Bo Peep dress with antlers on his head.
[Scene changes to the reporter, who has antlers on his head and is wearing a frilly pink dress. He is standing with several skeletons.]
REPORTER: Thanks, Tom. Well it look like a new diet has been born in South Park and it�s really catching on. Excuse me, sir? What is the secret of this bold new diet?
[He holds the microphone up to one of the skeletons.]
SKELETON: We feast on the Darkness that is to come and devour your world! We are the things that once were and shall be again! You will bend your will to our bidding!
[The skeletons leave.]
REPORTER: Well, there you have it. The latest diet craze, born in South Park, is nothing more than the average religion! Back to you, Tom!
[Stan turns off the TV.]
STAN: Damn! Cartman should be on that diet!
[Ext. view, Stan�s back yard. Big block letters read: �October 31, 10:24.� Sparky is still sleeping by the giant hole in the ground. Mr. Marsh comes out to the back yard.]
MR. MARSH: Goddammit, Sparky! Bad dog! Bad!
[Cut to commercial.]
[Ext. view, South Park Elementary.]
MR. GARRISON: OK, class, today I�ve got a special treat for you!
[Int. view, Mr. Garrison�s classroom. All the kids are in their Halloween costumes. Mr. Garrison is wearing a black wig and a blue dress with whitish stuff all over it. Mr. Hat is wearing a Bill Clinton mask.]
MR. GARRISON: Today, class, instead of having class, we�re going to have all sorts of games and crap like that.
KYLE: Mr. Garrison?
MR. GARRISON: Yes, Kyle?
KYLE: What are you supposed to be?
MR. GARRISON: I�m a White House intern.
KYLE: Oh.
STAN: What�s all that white stuff on you?
MR. GARRISON: Um...well, it looks like it�s time for the games to start! Let�s all go to the gymnasium!
[Int. view, South Park Elementary gymnasium. The kids are all playing Halloween games.]
CARTMAN: Hey, Kenny, what are you supposed to be?
[Kenny just has a black mask over his eyes.]
KENNY: Mmnmn nnmn mmnmn.
STAN: Dude! That�s f*ckin� weak!
KYLE: Yeah! What the Hell kind of costume is that for the Lone Ranger!?
MR. GARRISON: Oh, dammit! I forgot my camera! Kyle, would you boys go back upstairs and bring back my camera for me?
KYLE: Why the Hell can�t you do it?
MR. GARRISON: (Pointing to his dress.) Just look what happened the last time I went upstairs with Mr. Hat alone!
KYLE: Whatever.
[Kyle, Stan, Cartman, and Kenny leave. A few seconds later, there is a pounding at the gym door.]
MR. GARRISON: What the Hell was that!? Clyde go up the window and see what that was!
CLYDE: Why do I hafta go?
MR. GARRISON: (Pointing to his dress.) Just look what happened last time I looked through a window with Mr. Hat alone!
[Clyde goes to the window. Cut to shot of the outside of the school. The skeletons have surrounded it and are preparing for a fight.]
[Cut back to Kyle, Stan, Cartman, and Kenny.]
KYLE: What do you guys think that stuff on Mr. Garrison�s dress is?
CARTMAN: Ah bet it�s some kind of frosting from some kind of cream-filled long john!
[Bruce Campbell walks into the scene.]
BRUCE CAMPBELL: Hey, kids!
CARTMAN: Hey, Ash!
[Bruce Campbell stares angrily at Cartman.]
CARTMAN: (Sighing.) Ah mean, Hey, Mr. Bruce Campbell.
BRUCE CAMPBELL: Kyle! Do you have the Necronomicon?
KYLE: Sorry, Dude! I left it at home this morning!
BRUCE CAMPBELL: Dammit!
STAN: What�s wrong?
BRUCE CAMPBELL: What�s wrong!? Haven�t you kids seen the army of the undead outside!?
CARTMAN: No, we were comin� upstairs hya to get Mr. Garrison�s camera so he can take pictures of what he and Mr. Hat have been doin� for Mr. Hat�s trial. Ah�m gonna hafta testify so Ah thought that Ah might go into town and, like, get mah nails and hair done so no one thinks Ah�m a skank.
BRUCE CAMPBELL: What?
CARTMAN: Nothin�.
BRUCE CAMPBELL: Listen, we have to get out of here and get that book from Kyle�s house or we�re all dead!
CARTMAN: Oh no! Ah ain�t gonna go out there and die with these assholes! Ah�m just gonna stay hya and...
[Bruce Campbell grabs Cartman by the head and drags him off. The rest of the kids follow him.]
CARTMAN: Goddammit! This hurts ya f*ckin� ass suckin� piece of retarded llama sh*t!
[Int. view, Kyle�s room. Bruce Campbell and the kids are looking for the Necronomicon.]
KYLE: Dammit! It�s not anywhere!
MRS. BROFSLOVSKI: (Off screen.) Kyle, bubby, it that you?
[Mrs. Brofslovski comes into Kyle�s room with Ike.]
MRS. BROFSLOVSKI: What are you doing home from school so early?
KYLE: We need to get this book I had to stop an army of the undead!
MRS. BROFSLOVSKI: Was it this book right here?
[Mrs. Brofslovski pulls out the Necronomicon. It has crayon all over it now.]
BRUCE CAMPBELL: That�s it! Now, we need to get back to the school and find the spell that will send those skeletons back to the dead!
MRS. BROFSLOVSKI: Kyle! How many times have I told you not to raise the dead!?
KYLE: Mom, seriously, I have to get back to school! We have to stop those skeletons before they kill everyone!
MRS. BROFSLOVSKI: All right, bubbla, but first you give your mother a kiss!
KYLE: (Pleading.) Mom! Not in front of the guys!
CARTMAN: (Mocking Kyle.) Give your mommy a kiss, Kyle!
KENNY: (Mocking Kyle?) Mmmnmm mmmn mm mm, Mnmmnmmm!
MRS. BROFSLOVSKI: Come on, Dear, just a quick peck before you go.
[Kyle screams and runs out the front door. Everyone just stands and looks around, trying to avoid the awkward situation.]
BRUCE CAMPBELL: Um...I guess we should go now.
STAN: Yeah. Bye, Mrs. Brofslovski!
CARTMAN: Bye, Mrs. Kyle! And make sure there�s pie hya for me next time, Goddammit, you bitch!
[The kids and Bruce Campbell exit.]
[Ext. view, Main Street South Park. There�s no sign of life. All the shops� windows have been broken out. The kids and Bruce Campbell stop walking.]
STAN: Where the Hell is everyone!?
VOICE: Rather unexplained, isn�t it?
BRUCE CAMPBELL: I know that voice!
[They all turn around to see who is talking to them.]
BRUCE CAMPBELL: Nimoy. I should have known you were behind this!
KYLE: What the Hell!?
STAN: What the f*ck is Leonard Nimoy doing here?
CARTMAN: Maybe he�s hya to apologize for all those Goddamn sh*tty �Star Crap� movies.
LEONARD NIMOY: That�s �Star Trek�, ass-biter. No, it was not I who raised this army of the dead. I couldn�t have done it without the help of some kid who looks like a trashcan.
KYLE: You mean Ike!?
LEONARD NIMOY: That�s right. Since an adult�s vocal cords are too well developed, there is no way to say any of the incantations in the Necronomicon. Therefore, I needed a child to recite it for me.
STAN: So, you got Ike to say that stuff?
LEONARD NIMOY: Oh, God, no! That was just luck. But now, my army of the dead will enslave the world and all shall bow before me!
CARTMAN: (To Stan.) Where do these assholes come from?
[Stan shrugs.]
BRUCE CAMPBELL: Not this time, Nimoy! We�re going to put an end to your madness once and for all!
LEONARD NIMOY: Pathetic mortals! I�ll swallow your souls!
KYLE: Come get some.
LEONARD NIMOY: To me, my army of the evil dead!
[Cut to South Park Elementary gymnasium. The skeletons outside all start leaving.]
[Cut back to South Park street. The skeletons are surrounding Bruce Campbell and the kids.]
BRUCE CAMPBELL: It�s a good thing I was prepared for this!
[He pulls a sawed-off shotgun and chainsaw out from behind him.]
BRUCE CAMPBELL: Here, Stan, you take this.
[He gives Stan the chainsaw.]
STAN: Sweet!
CARTMAN: Ay! What about me?
KYLE: What about you!?
CARTMAN: Why don�t Ah get somethin� to kick ass with?
STAN: Just eat your f*cking costume and fart, ass-head!
BRUCE CAMPBELL: Here, Kenny, this is for you.
[He gives Kenny a popcicle stick.]
KENNY: (Sounding very angry.) Mnmmnmnm! Nmmmnmmn mmnmmnmmn mmnm nmmmnmmmmmm nnnmmnmmnm, Mmmmnmmmn!
LEONARD NIMOY: Get them!
[The skeletons start to advance on Bruce Campbell and the kids. Bruce Campbell blasts about ten of the skeletons away with his shotgun, leaving only the skulls.]
SKULLS: Hey! We�ll swallow your souls! We�ll swallow your souls! We�ll swallow your souls!
[The skulls jump onto Kenny and start biting away at him.]
KENNY: MMMNMNMMNM!
[The skulls jump off, leaving Kenny skeletonized.]
STAN: Oh, my God! They�ve killed Kenny!
KYLE: You bastards!
[A huge fight ensues. Stan is chopping skeletons to pieces. Kyle is whacking away at skeletons with his unloaded shotgun. Bruce Campbell is blasting skeletons with his shotgun, never once reloading. Cartman is eating pieces of his Cheesy Poof costume and farting skeletons apart. After a while of this, they start to be overwhelmed by the skeletons numbers.]
STAN: Dude! This sucks ass!
BRUCE CAMPBELL: Our only hope is the Necronomicon! If we read the right passage aloud, the skeletons will return to the dead!
[He opens the Necronomicon and starts turning pages frantically.]
BRUCE CAMPBELL: Here it is! Kyle, read this out loud!
[Kyle takes the book from Bruce Campbell and looks at it.]
KYLE: (Reading.) �Get the f*ck out of our town, you bony assholes.�
SKELETON #1: He has spoken the sacred words!
SKELETON #2: Let�s get the Hell out of here!
[The skeletons try to run away but, before they can, their bodies turn to dust leaving only their skulls.]
LEONARD NIMOY: Nooooo! Curse you, Bruce Campbell! Curse you and your clever thinking! You haven�t heard the last of Leonard Nimoy! Come, my army!
[Leonard Nimoy runs away with some skulls rolling after him.]
KYLE: That sucked.
STAN: Yeah. But you know what? I think I learned something.
BRUCE CAMPBELL: Really?
[The slow piano music starts up.]
STAN: Sometimes, things look so bad that it looks like there�s no way to overcome them. But with teamwork and a little knowledge from our friends, books, there is always a way to win. No matter the odds, good will always overcome evil. And, if we read this spell right here, we can turn Cartman into James Earl Jones!
CARTMAN: What!?
BRUCE CAMPBELL: Well, my work here is done. See you kids around!
[He leaves.]
STAN, KYLE, AND CARTMAN: Bye, Ash!
[There is a shotgun blast from off screen that hits by Cartman�s feet.]
CARTMAN: Ah, mean...Bye, Mr. Bruce Campbell.
KYLE: All right, where was that spell again?
[Cut to commercial.]
[Ext. view, the bus stop. Stan and Kyle are there.]
STAN: Have you seen Cartman since yesterday?
KYLE: Not since I cast that spell on him, Dude.
STAN: Well he better get here soon or the bus is gonna leave without him!
[James Earl Jones/Cartman walks up to the bus stop. He has a piece of paper in his hand.]
STAN AND KYLE: Hey, Cartman!
JAMES EARL JONES/CARTMAN: Hey, guys.
[James Earl Jones/Cartman yawns.]
STAN: Damn, Cartman! It looks like you didn�t get much sleep last night!
JAMES EARL JONES/CARTMAN: Ah didn�t. After Ah went home, Ah started to eat all the candy at mah house and mah mom brought me a drink and Ah don�t remember anything after that except that Ah am tired as Hell.
STAN: What�s that in your hand, Cartman?
JAMES EARL JONES/CARTMAN: Nothin�. Mah mom just handed it to me before Ah left mah house.
KYLE: Give it here!
[Kyle grabs the paper away from James Earl Jones/Cartman.]
JAMES EARL JONES/CARTMAN: Ay! You give that back, asshole!
KYLE: (Taunting James Earl Jones/Cartman.) Why, Cartman? What�s it say?
JAMES EARL JONES/CARTMAN: How the Hell should Ah know!? Mah mom just gave it to me before Ah left mah house, ass-rammer!
[Kyle starts to read the note. His eyes go wide and he turns kind of a greenish color.]
STAN: What�s it say, Dude?
[Kyle hands Stan the note and barfs.]
STAN: Sick, Dude! Keep your barf to yourself!
JAMES EARL JONES/CARTMAN: Yeah, ya butt-f*ckin� son-of-a-bitch!
STAN: Shut up, Cartman.
[Stan clears his throat.]
STAN: (Reading.) �Dear Mr. Earl Jones, I am sorry I got you drunk last night but I just wanted to let you know that last night was the most incredible night of passion I have ever had in my life. Love, Dee-Anne Cartman.�
[Stan turns green and barfs.]
JAMES EARL JONES/CARTMAN: What the Hell is the matter with you guys!?
KYLE: Cartman! Don�t you get it!? You slept with your mom last night!
JAMES EARL JONES/CARTMAN: What!?
STAN: You made sweet love to your own mom! That�s f*ckin� sick, Dude!
JAMES EARL JONES/CARTMAN: What the f*ck are you guys sayin� hya!?
KYLE: Goddammit, Cartman! You f*cked your mom!
JAMES EARL JONES/CARTMAN: No! That�s not possible!
STAN: Damn, Cartman! I always knew your mom was a slut but Jesus Christ!
KYLE: You�d think she�d recognize her own son!
JAMES EARL JONES/CARTMAN: You guys...Ah think Ah need a hug right about now, seriously.
STAN: Screw that! I�m outta here!
KYLE: Wait up, Stan!
[Stan and Kyle run out of the scene.]
JAMES EARL JONES/CARTMAN: You bitches get back hya and give me a hug, Goddammit!
[Roll credits and end song.]
An Especially Very Special Thanksgiving Special By Mr. Dead
[Warnings, song, and titles.]
[Int. view, South Park Elementary auditorium stage. There are large, red curtains closed. The lights go out and a spotlight shines on the curtains. Stan walks out from behind the curtains.]
STAN: Ladies and Gentlemen, tonight, we present to you two of the finest entertainers in the world...
[Cartman bursts through the curtains with a sock on his hand.]
CARTMAN: Ta-daaa!
[There is silence except for the sound of crickets chirping.]
CARTMAN: (Dejectedly.) Eh...f*ck you.
[He walks off stage.]
STAN: As I was saying: Tonight we are proud to present two of the finest entertainers in the world: Terrance and Phillip!
[Cut to back stage. Kenny is untying a knot. He finally gets it untied and there is a sound like a pulley that needs oil. Kenny looks up, panics, and is splattered by a falling sandbag. His head comes through the curtains and lands at Stan�s feet.]
STAN: Oh, my God! They�ve killed Kenny!
KYLE: (From backstage.) You bastards!
[Cartman runs back on stage and accidentally kicks Kenny�s head into the lights above the stage. The screen goes black except for the kids' eyes.]
CARTMAN: Oops.
STAN: Goddammit! Just show the f*cking cartoon already!
ANNOUNCER: And now...the HBC Movie of the Week. Terrance...Phillip. Canada�s hottest action stars in �An Especially Special Thanksgiving Special.� Based on a true story.
[Ext. view, Terrance and Phillip�s house.]
[Int. view, Terrance and Phillip�s living room. Terrance and Phillip are sitting on the couch watching TV.]
TERRANCE: Say, Phillip? Do you know what those Thanksgiving balloons are filled with?
PHILLIP: No. No, I don�t, Terrance. What are those Thanksgiving balloons filled with?
TERRANCE: They have to fill them with hot air!
PHILLIP: Do you mean like this?
[Phillip farts. Terrance and Phillip laugh.]
PHILLIP: Oh, Terrance?
TERRANCE: Yes, Phillip?
PHILLIP: What are we going to eat on Thanksgiving this year?
TERRANCE: Isn�t Karl�s Kroft Dinner Palace open on Thanksgiving, Phillip?
PHILLIP: No, I don�t think it is, Terrance!
TERRANCE: Oh, my God! What ever shall we do without Kroft Dinner for Thanksgiving!?
[The doorbell rings.]
PHILLIP: I�ll get it!
TERRANCE: I�m going to put on an Indian costume!
[Terrance exits. Phillip goes to the door. He opens it to reveal a messenger.]
MESSENGER: Special delivery for Terrance and Phillip.
PHILLIP: I�ll take it!
MESSENGER: Sign hya and hya and hya and hya...and hya.
[Phillip signs there and there and there and there...and there.]
[The messenger gives Phillip the letter and leaves. Phillip closes the door with a fart and laughs.]
PHILLIP: Oh, Terrance! We got a letter!
[Terrance comes out in an Indian costume, complete with full headdress.]
TERRANCE: How, Chief Phillip! Whatum does the letter sayum?
[Phillip opens the letter and reads it.]
PHILLIP: Bless my Kroft Dinner, Terrance!
TERRANCE: What is it, Chief Phillip? Did you fartum?
PHILLIP: No, we�ve been invited to the Canadian National Thanksgiving Parade to assist with the balloons and that there will be a huge Thanksgiving feast afterwards!
TERRANCE: Oh, Phillip! It is times like this when I am most proud to live in Canada!
PHILLIP: To Canada, Terrance!
TERRANCE: To Canada, Phillip!
[They start singing �O Canada�.]
[Ext. view, Scott�s house.]
[Int. view, Scott�s war room. Scott is sitting at his desk.]
SCOTT: My plan is working perfectly! Terrance and Phillip are going to show up at that parade and there they will be ripped apart and killed to death! Now we need to get the Canadian people to hate Terrance and Phillip. That�s where you come in, Alan Thicke.
[Camera turns to show Alan Thicke sitting in a chair facing Scott�s desk.]
ALAN THICKE: What do you want me to do?
SCOTT: I want you to use your powers of persuasion on the Canadian people and make them hate Terrance and Phillip. That way when Terrance and Phillip show up at the Canadian National Thanksgiving Parade, the people will become angry and kill them a lot!
ALAN THICKE: I shall crush Terrance and Phillip until they scream for mercy and then I shall destroy them for all time!
SCOTT AND ALAN THICKE: Bwahahahahahahahhahahahhahahaha!
SCOTT: Now, get out of here, Alan Thicke, before I become angered and have you eliminated for not doing your job!
ALAN THICKE: Yes, Master.
[Alan Thicke leaves. Scott waits until he is gone and starts the maniacal laughter again.]
[Ext. view, Canadian street. Terrance and Phillip are walking down the sidewalk.]
TERRANCE: That sure was good Kroft Dinner, Phillip!
PHILLIP: It sure was, Terrance! Say, why don�t we see what�s on the telly in that store window?
TERRANCE: Terrific idea, Phillip!
[They stop at a store window and look at the TV�s in the window. One of the TV�s has South Park on.]
PHILLIP: (Laughing.) Look at those stupid American children, Terrance!
TERRANCE: (Laughing.) They look like gophers, Phillip!
[They continue laughing until the TV changes channels. Now, Alan Thicke is on TV.]
TERRANCE: Who is this smelly old man, Phillip?
PHILLIP: That�s Alan Thicke, Terrance! He used to be on that American �Groin Pains� show!
TERRANCE: What is Alan Thicke doing on the telly now, Phillip?
PHILLIP: I think Alan Thicke is trying to make a comeback, Terrance!
TERRANCE: But, Phillip, there�s no need for a comeback!
PHILLIP: Tell that to Alan Thicke.
[Cut to shot of the TV screen.]
ALAN THICKE: ...And then they farted on my cat until it died. Then they set fire to its corpse and force-fed it to my grandmama! I tell you, good people of Canada that Terrance and Phillip are a couple of menaces to our very lives! If we do not kill them, they will destroy us all with their farts and other assorted hijinks! Well, that�s all for our show today. We�ll end today the same way we end the show every day. Remember to keep the pet population down; have your pets spayed or neutered!
[Alan Thicke starts singing �O Canada.� The Toronto Blue Jays come in and start singing with him.]
[Cut back to Terrance and Phillip. They are both singing �O Canada� as are all the people on the street with them.]
TERRANCE: Why do you think that Alan Thicke hates us, Phillip? We didn�t do any of those things he was talking aboot!
PHILLIP: What aboot the part where he said we farted on his cat, Terrance?
TERRANCE: Well, we probably did do that, but we didn�t kill it, Phillip!
PHILLIP: Perhaps Alan Thicke is xenophobic?
TERRANCE: But, we�re not foreigners, Phillip!
PHILLIP: Oh, yes.
MAN: Hey! Everybody, look! It�s Terrance and Phillip! Get the Hell out of our country, you bastards!
WOMAN: Yeah! Go back to your own country!
[The people start throwing things at Terrance and Phillip.]
TERRANCE: I think we had better leave this place, Phillip!
PHILLIP: You�re right, Terrance! Let us run hastily back to our house!
[Terrance and Phillip start running away with the crowd following close behind, still throwing things. The crowd starts to gain on Terrance and Phillip.]
PHILLIP: We�ll never make it at this rate, Terrance!
TERRANCE: We better use our turbo boost, Phillip!
PHILLIP: Oh, yes! Our turbo boost! You certainly are smart, Terrance!
[Terrance and Phillip both fart, shooting them far ahead of the crowd and leaving a brown �smoke screen� behind them. The crowd all start falling over or running in the other direction.]
[Int. view, Scott�s war room. Scott is still sitting at his desk. The phone rings.]
SCOTT: Hello? Yes, this is Scott. They got away, eh? Dammit! Well, they won�t be so lucky next time. Yes, do your show again tomorrow. We�ll have the Canadian people hunting Terrance and Phillip down like dogs before the Canadian National Thanksgiving Parade even begins.
[He hangs up the phone.]
SCOTT: That�s right, Terrance and Phillip. Your fart loving days are numbered! Soon, you shall fart no more!
[Cut to commercial.]
[Ext. view, Terrance and Phillip�s house. Barky and Purry are in the front yard, farting on everything.]
[Int. view, Terrance and Phillip�s living room. They are sitting on the couch.]
TERRANCE: Say, Phillip? Why do you suppose those people got so irate at us? We didn�t even do anything!
PHILLIP: I wonder if they saw Alan Thicke on the telly and he made them hate us so?
TERRANCE: Oh, Phillip! What ever shall we do? How can we, two simple ordinary Canadians, ever hope to defeat such a powerful Canadian celebrity like Alan Thicke? All is lost! There is only one option left to us, Phillip.
PHILLIP: I�ll get the grape juice and cyanide, Terrance!
TERRANCE: No, not that.
PHILLIP: Well what did you have in mind, Terrance?
TERRANCE: I know! I�ll call Scott! Maybe he will know what to do!
PHILLIP: Splendid idea, Terrance!
[Terrance picks up the phone and dials.]
[Int. view, Scott�s war room. Scott isn�t there. The phone rings and after a little while, the answering machine picks it up.]
SCOTT: (On the answering machine.) Hello. You�ve reached Scott from Canada. I�m either not home right now or I am implementing my latest scheme to destroy Terrance and Phillip for all time. Please leave a message after the beep.
[The answering machine beeps.]
[Int. view, Terrance and Phillip�s living room. Terrance is still on the phone.]
TERRANCE: Hey, Scott! It�s Terrance! I forgot why I called. Oh! I know!
[He farts into the phone, laughs, and hangs up.]
PHILLIP: What did Scott have to say, Terrance?
TERRANCE: He wasn�t home. We�ll have to figure this out on our own, Phillip.
PHILLIP: Well, maybe we�ll think better on a full stomach. Let�s go to Karl�s Kroft Dinner Palace!
TERRANCE: Oh, yes! Let�s go to Karl�s Kroft Dinner Palace!
[Int. view, Karl�s Kroft Dinner Palace. There are a few customers inside. Some of them are wearing �I Hate Terrance & Phillip� shirts. All of them have a large �C� on their shirts as well. Terrance and Phillip go to order at the counter. The worker�s shirt has a large �E� on it. He also looks suspiciously like Scott.]
SCOTT: Welcome to Karl�s Kroft Dinner Palace. May I take your...Oh, my God!
PHILLIP: What is it, cash register man? Did you fart?
SCOTT: You�re Terrance and Phillip! You are evil and are shunned from this place! Leave now, O killers of Alan Thicke�s cat! And take your stinky farts with you!
TERRANCE: But we just want to have some Kroft Dinner!
[The people in the restaurant have been watching the whole scene. Many of the ones with the �I Hate Terrance & Phillip� shirts come forward.]
MAN: You heard him! Get out of this place now, you sons-of-bitches!
[Ext. view, Karl�s Kroft Dinner Palace. Terrance and Phillip are thrown through the front doors.]
TERRANCE: That cash register man sure was an asshole, Phillip!
PHILLIP: You�re right, Terrance. That Alan Thicke is making our lives nearly forfeit! What will we eat without Kroft Dinner?
TERRANCE: We�ll think of something, Phillip. Whilst we are on the ground, let�s search for treasure!
PHILLIP: Yes! Let�s search for treasure!
[The �searching for treasure� music plays. Scott, sans disguise, walks up to Terrance and Phillip.]
SCOTT: What the Hell are you two morons doing?
TERRANCE: We�re looking for treasure!
SCOTT: Why aren�t you dead yet...I mean, how are you guys?
PHILLIP: Wait! What was that, Scott?
SCOTT: Nothing. I have to go now. There are two imbeciles, whom I swear are not you two idiots, that I have to plot to destroy!
[Scott leaves.]
PHILLIP: Well, I guess we can forget aboot Scott helping us, Terrance!
TERRANCE: It looks that way, Phillip. It looks that way.
[Int. view, Scott war room. There is a red light flashing on his answering machine. Scott walks in.]
SCOTT: Those fools have no idea that with Alan Thicke�s power over the Canadian people and my cunning strategy, they will soon be dead forever! Oh, what�s this? I have a message!
[Scott hits the play button on the answering machine.]
ANSWERING MACHINE: You have...one...new...message.
[The answering machine beeps and begins playing the message.]
TERRANCE: (On the answering machine.) Hey, Scott! It�s Terrance! I forgot why I called. Oh! I know!
[There is the sound of Terrance farting into the phone, laughing, and a click.]
SCOTT: You son-of-a-bitch! I�ll kill both of you if I have to destroy all of Canada to do it! You�ll rue the day you telefarted me!
[Dramatic chord.]
[Ext. view, Terrance and Phillip�s house.]
PHILLIP: Terrance?
TERRANCE: Yes, Phillip?
PHILLIP: How are we ever going to be able to help with the Canadian National Thanksgiving Parade if we are hated by all?
TERRANCE: I don�t know, Phillip. Perhaps everyone will like us again on Thanksgiving?
[Phillip farts. They both laugh.]
TERRANCE: Ah! They�re not going to like us with farts like that, you smelly bastard!
[They continue laughing.]
TERRANCE: Say, Phillip? What are we going to do now?
PHILLIP: I don�t know, Terrance. Perhaps we could go back to Karl�s Kroft Dinner Palace.
TERRANCE: Oh, yes! Maybe now all the mean people will be gone and we can get some Kroft Dinner!
[Ext. view, Karl�s Kroft Dinner Palace. Terrance and Phillip are suddenly thrown out the front doors. Terrance is holding something in his hand.]
PHILLIP: Well, that didn�t seem to work, Terrance! They still hate us!
TERRANCE: They sure do, Phillip. I guess there�s only one thing to do now.
PHILLIP: Are you going to fart, Terrance?
TERRANCE: Not right now, chum. Whilst we were inside, I took this card with the owner�s number on it.
[He shows the card to Phillip.]
PHILLIP: Why, Terrance, this is a customer satisfaction card!
TERRANCE: That�s right, Phillip.
PHILLIP: You mean...?
TERRANCE: I�m afraid so, Phillip. I�m not satisfied!
[Dramatic chord.]
[Terrance farts and they both laugh.]
[Cut to commercial.]
[Ext. view, Terrance and Phillip�s house.]
[Int. view, Terrance and Phillip�s living room. Terrance is on the phone.]
TERRANCE: Say, Phillip? I can�t find that customer satisfaction card! Do you know where it might be?
[There is a fart off screen and the card floats into the scene and Terrance catches it. Terrance laughs.]
TERRANCE: Phillip! You farted the customer satisfaction card right to me!
PHILLIP: (Off screen.) I sure did, Terrance!
TERRANCE: Now there�s spatter all over the card!
[They both laugh. Terrance starts dialing the phone.]
[Ext. view, a house with the initials �AT� on it.]
[Int. view, a den. There is a high-backed chair turned away from the camera with a phone next to it and a lit fireplace in front of it. The phone rings. A hand reaches from the front of the chair and picks up the phone.]
MAN: Hello?
[Cut back to Terrance and Phillip�s house.]
TERRANCE: Hello! Is this the owner of Karl�s Kroft Dinner Palace?
MAN: (On the phone.) Yes, it is. How can I help you, sir?
TERRANCE: Well, my name is Terrance. My friend Phillip and I have been thrown out of your restaurant...um...How many times has it been Phillip?
[There are two farts from off screen. Terrance, Phillip, and the man on the phone all laugh.]
TERRANCE: That�s right! We�ve been thrown out twice today and we never even got to order our Kroft Dinner!
MAN: (On the phone.) You wouldn�t happen to be the Terrance and Phillip, would you?
[Terrance farts into the phone and the man laughs.]
[Cut back to the man�s living room.]
MAN: It is you! I�ll be glad to help!
[He turns his chair so that it faces the camera now.]
MAN: Just call me your pal Alex Trebek!
TERRANCE: (On the phone.) You mean the Alex Trebek!?
ALEX TREBEK: How�s this for an answer: No, no, I�m sorry, no.
TERRANCE: (On the phone.) Phillip! Alex Trebek owns Karl�s Kroft Dinner Palace!
PHILLIP: (In the background of the phone.) Tell him he�s a smelly bastard!
TERRANCE: Phillip says hello, Alex Trebek.
ALEX TREBEK: Listen, you say you were thrown out of Karl�s Kroft Dinner Palace?
TERRANCE: (On the phone.) That�s right, Alex Trebek.
[Cut back to Terrance on the phone.]
ALEX TREBEK: (On the phone.) You two are my best customers and still they have thrown you out of the restaurant. I am left with only one option: I must destroy Karl�s Kroft Dinner Palace and in three days raise it once more.
TERRANCE: Nooooo! Alex Trebek, you can�t do that! Phillip and I will starve for three days!
ALEX TREBEK: (On the phone.) I wonder what could possibly be causing my employees to act in such a manner. It would take a huge Canadian celebrity like Alan Thicke to get them that mad at you.
TERRANCE: Hmmm. I don�t know, Alex Trebek. I just don�t know.
ALEX TREBEK: (On the phone.) Well, don�t worry. I will fire all the staff at Karl�s Kroft Dinner Palace and hire all new people to take their place.
TERRANCE: Terrific, Alex Trebek! Phillip and I thank you!
[He hangs up the phone.]
PHILLIP: Well, Terrance? What did Alex Trebek say he would do?
TERRANCE: He said he�s going to put all of the workers at Karl�s Kroft Dinner Palace into a kiln and fire them, Phillip!
PHILLIP: That sounds like it might hurt, Terrance!
TERRANCE: It sure does, Phillip!
[Phillip lets out a huge fart. Part of the wall behind him gets a hole blown through it. Terrance and Phillip both laugh.]
PHILLIP: I don�t think it will hurt as bad as that did, Terrance!
[Ext. view, Karl�s Kroft Dinner Palace. Alex Trebek is standing outside and directing the employees into the back of a large truck with the words �Al�s Rehabilitation Clinic for Not Nice Employees.�]
ALEX TREBEK: There, that�s the last of them. Now, I must hire a new staff!
[Ext. view, Terrance and Phillip�s house.]
[Int. view, Terrance and Phillip�s living room. They are sitting on the couch, watching TV.]
TERRANCE: Say, Phillip, why don�t we see what kind of American programming we can get on the telly?
PHILLIP: All right, Terrance!
[Phillip starts flipping channels.]
PHILLIP: Oh! This looks like a good one, Terrance!
[Shot of the TV screen. It�s C-SPAN.]
TERRANCE: Um...Phillip?
PHILLIP: Yes, Terrance?
TERRANCE: This show is crap.
PHILLIP: You�re right, Terrance.
TERRANCE: Then why did you say this looks like a good one?
[Phillip farts and they both laugh.]
PHILLIP: That�s what I meant when I said it looks like a good one, Terrance!
[They laugh again and Phillip starts flipping channels again.]
TERRANCE: Stop here, Phillip!
[Shot of TV screen.]
[On the TV. Int. view, South Park Elementary auditorium stage. There are large, red curtains closed. The lights go out and a spotlight shines on the curtains. Stan walks out from behind the curtains.]
STAN: Ladies and Gentlemen, tonight, we present to you two of the finest entertainers in the world...
[Cartman bursts through the curtains with a sock on his hand.]
CARTMAN: Ta-daaa!
[There is silence except for the sound of crickets chirping.]
CARTMAN: (Dejectedly.) Eh...f*ck you.
[He walks off stage.]
STAN: As I was saying: Tonight we are proud to present two of the finest entertainers in the world: Terrance and Phillip!
[Cut to back stage. Kenny is untying a knot. He finally gets it untied and there is a sound like a pulley that needs oil. Kenny looks up, panics, and is splattered by a falling sandbag. His head comes through the curtains and lands at Stan�s feet.]
STAN: Oh, my God! They�ve killed Kenny!
KYLE: (From backstage.) You bastards!
[Cartman runs back on stage and accidentally kicks Kenny�s head into the lights above the stage. The screen goes black except for the kids� eyes.]
CARTMAN: Oops.
STAN: Goddammit! Just show the f*cking cartoon already!
[Cut back to Terrance and Phillip.]
PHILLIP: What were they talking aboot, Terrance?
TERRANCE: I don�t know, Phillip! These American children frighten me!
PHILLIP: Me, too, Terrance!
[Phillip changes the channel. Alan Thicke is on TV.]
ALAN THICKE: (On TV.) Good people of Canada, I come before you today with a heavy heart. You see, I have discovered a fiendish plot hatching in our beloved Canada!
[Gasps from the audience and Terrance and Phillip.]
ALAN THICKE: (On TV.) As you all know, tomorrow is the Canadian National Thanksgiving Parade. Unfortunately, there will be no balloons.
[Gasps from the audience and Terrance and Phillip.]
ALAN THICKE: (On TV.) There will be no balloons unless we stop Terrance and Phillip!
TERRANCE: What?
ALAN THICKE: (On TV.) Tonight, Terrance and Phillip are going to attempt to eat all the beans they can. When they have done this, they will then go to the secret warehouse...
[Shot of the secret warehouse on TV.]
ALAN THICKE: (On TV.) ...Where they will huff and puff and fart the warehouse down.
[Scene on the TV changes to a dramatization, with the word �DRAMATIZATION� in big white letters at the bottom of the screen. There is a house of cards set up on a table. A hand �walks� a picture of Terrance and Phillip into the scene.]
DRAMA TERRANCE: (On TV.) Hey, Phillip?
DRAMA PHILLIP: (On TV.) Yes, Terrance?
DRAMA TERRANCE: (On TV.) Let�s be naughty and knock this very important building over so that all those stupid Canadians can�t have their Canadian National Thanksgiving Parade!
DRAMA PHILLIP: (On TV.) Oh, yes! Let�s be evil!
[The hand holding the picture turns the picture so that the back of it is facing the house of cards. There are some grunting sounds followed by another hand swinging into the scene which knocks over the house of cards.]
DRAMA TERRANCE: (On TV.) We sure are evil, Phillip!
DRAMA PHILLIP: (On TV.) We sure are, Terrance. Say! Let�s go burn down an orphanage by lighting fire to our farts and farting at the orphanage!
[TV cuts back to Alan Thicke.]
ALAN THICKE: (On TV.) So, you see, good people of Canada, we must not let this happen! We must hunt down, kill, and horribly mutilate Terrance and Phillip or our Canadian National Thanksgiving Parade will be ruined for many years to come! Are you with me?
[The audience cheers. Cut back to Terrance and Phillip sitting on the couch. Terrance is cheering.]
TERRANCE: Kill Terrance and Phillip! Spill their blood! Stain the earth!
PHILLIP: Um, Terrance?
TERRANCE: Yes, Phillip?
PHILLIP: Why are you cheering?
TERRANCE: Because Alan Thicke has truly stirred my spirit, Phillip! We must find these Terrance and Phillip fellows and kill them for the glory of Canada!
PHILLIP: But we�re Terrance and Phillip, Terrance.
TERRANCE: We are?
[Cut back to Alan Thicke on TV.]
ALAN THICKE: (On TV.) Well, that�s all the time we have for today. Remember, I�m Alan Thicke. Help keep the pet population under control, have Terrance and Phillip spayed or neutered.
[Alan Thicke starts singing �O, Canada.� The audience and Terrance and Phillip join in.]
[Ext. view, Karl�s Kroft Dinner Palace. Alex Trebek is sitting at a table outside with a banner on it that reads: �Karl�s Kroft Dinner Palace Now Hiring.� It�s obvious that nobody is coming around there.]
ALEX TREBEK: (Sighing.) I knew I should have been a restaurateur instead of a game show host.
[Cut to commercial.]
[Ext. view, Scott�s house.]
[Int. view, Scott�s war room. Scott is sitting at his desk looking at a magazine called �Beans Monthly.� The telephone rings.]
SCOTT: Aaahhh!
[He falls backwards out of his chair. He stands up and answers the phone.]
SCOTT: (Trying to sound like a woman.) Hello, Scott from Canada�s house. Just a moment please.
[He puts the phone down for a second and picks it back up.]
SCOTT: Hello? Yes, this is Scott from Canada. What? Oh, that�s just my secretary. Yes, I�ve always had a secretary! What was I doing? I can assure you that I was not reading �Beans Monthly� because I have a fascination with farts that I am ashamed of and, therefore, and put a front that I hate farting! How did your show go today? Excellent! One more show like that and the Canadian people will kill Terrance and Phillip on sight and I will no longer have to be jealous of their fart expertise...I mean, I will no longer have to endure them and their immature fart humor! Yes, continue with the plan. Scott out.
[He hangs up the phone.]
SCOTT: This is the endgame, Terrance and Phillip! I�ve got you now, you fart-loving fart-lovers!
[Ext. view, Canadian police station.]
[Int. view, Canadian police station crime lab. There are a few scientist-type people contaminating evidence and such.]
SCIENTIST #1: Hey, you guys? Guess who I am!
[Put pulls a ski mask out of a plastic bag and puts it on.]
SCIENTIST #1: Grrr. Give me all of your money!
[All the scientists burst into laughter.]
SCIENTIST #2: Wait, wait! Look at this!
[He opens a package of �pop rocks� and empties it into a vial labeled �Blood Evidence.� The whole thing fizzes out onto the floor in a bloody foam mess. All the scientist laugh again.]
SCIENTIST #3: Hey! I�ve got something here!
[All the other scientists look in expectation of the really funny thing Scientist #3 is going to do.]
SCIENTIST #3: I�ve discovered whom the real murderer in the Dr. Jeffrey O�Dwyer case is!
[The other scientists let out a disappointed groan.]
[Ext. view, Terrance and Phillip�s house.]
PHILLIP: Say, Terrance?
[Int. view, Terrance and Phillip�s living room. Phillip is sitting on the couch.]
TERRANCE: (Off screen.) Coming, Phillip!
[There is the sound of a toilet flushing and Terrance enters the scene.]
TERRANCE: What is it, Phillip? Did you fart?
PHILLIP: No, not that...
[Phillip farts and they both laugh.]
PHILLIP: Yes, now I have farted, Terrance!
TERRANCE: You sure did, Phillip!
[Terrance�s face starts turning green.]
TERRANCE: My God, Phillip! That fart sure did stink! What ever did you eat to cause your farts to be so smelly?
PHILLIP: I ate those cans of beans over there, Terrance!
[Phillip points off screen. The camera pans over to the empty cans of beans. It zooms in to show that the beans are several years expired. Like forty years expired.]
TERRANCE: Um...Phillip?
PHILLIP: Yes, Terrance?
TERRANCE: I don�t think you�re supposed to eat the beans after the date on the can!
PHILLIP: Really? I always thought that was when it was safe to eat the beans!
[Terrance leans off screen and throws up.]
PHILLIP: Say, Terrance! You just farted backwards!
[Terrance leans back into frame. He now has chunks of stuff around his mouth.]
TERRANCE: I certainly did, didn�t I?
[They both laugh.]
PHILLIP: Oh, Terrance, I am ever so hungry. Why don�t we go to Karl Kroft Dinner Palace?
TERRANCE: Oh, yes! Let�s go to Karl�s Kroft Dinner Palace! Now that Alex Trebek has fired all his naughty employees, we�ll be sure to get some Kroft Dinner!
PHILLIP: Indeed, Terrance!
TERRANCE: Phillip?
PHILLIP: Yes, Terrance?
TERRANCE: It truly is wonderful to live in a country as great as Canada where one can get Kroft Dinner at all times of the day!
PHILLIP: It truly is, Terrance!
[They start singing �O, Canada.�]
[Ext. view, Karl�s Kroft Dinner Palace. Terrance and Phillip are walking up the sidewalk. They come to the front door.]
TERRANCE: After you, old chum!
PHILLIP: Thank you, Terrance!
[Terrance farts the door open. They both laugh and enter.]
[Int. view, Karl�s Kroft Dinner Palace. The place is completely devoid of any customers. Alex Trebek is standing behind the counter wearing a Karl�s Kroft Dinner Palace uniform.]
TERRANCE: Oh, My Kroft Dinner! What are you doing here, Alex Trebek!?
ALEX TREBEK: I haven�t been able to hire any new workers because every time I interview them for a job and they get an answer wrong I go: �No. No, I�m sorry. Everybody knows the answer is �socks�� and they walk out and tell everyone else in line. So, now I am forced to work here to keep Karl�s Kroft Dinner Palace from going out of business!
PHILLIP: That certainly does suck, Alex Trebek!
ALEX TREBEK: You said it, Phillip. What can I get for you guys?
TERRANCE: We would like two Kroft Dinners, please, Alex Trebek!
ALEX TREBEK: Coming right up!
[Alex Trebek disappears into the back of the store. Terrance and Phillip are just standing there.]
TERRANCE: Say, Phillip, I have an idea!
PHILLIP: Do you want to fart, Terrance?
TERRANCE: No, not right now. Let�s look for treasure!
PHILLIP: Oh, yes! Let�s look for treasure!
[The �searching for treasure� music comes on as Terrance and Phillip start scouring the floor of Karl�s Kroft Dinner Palace for treasure.]
PHILLIP: Oh, My God! Terrance! Come quick! See what I have found!
[Terrance squirms over to Phillip like a worm.]
PHILLIP: Um, Terrance?
TERRANCE: Yes, Phillip?
PHILLIP: What are you doing?
TERRANCE: I�m pretending to be a worm!
PHILLIP: Terrance?
TERRANCE: Yes, Phillip?
PHILLIP: Terrance, why are you pretending to be a worm?
TERRANCE: I don�t know, Phillip! It just seemed like the thing to do!
PHILLIP: Oh. Look here! I have found some left over Kroft Dinner!
[Phillip points to a festering plate of Kroft Dinner underneath a table.]
TERRANCE: Oh! My I please eat the decaying food, Phillip! I am trying to be worm, after all!
PHILLIP: Oh, Terrance! You have always been a true friend to me! Yes. Take the rotting Kroft Dinner in good health, chum!
TERRANCE: Oh, glorious day!
[Terrance sticks his face in the rotting Kroft Dinner and starts eating away.]
ALEX TREBEK: (Off screen.) Hey, you guys! Your Kroft Dinner is ready!
[Phillip goes to the counter, leaving Terrance on the floor with his festering Kroft Dinner.]
ALEX TREBEK: Here you go, Phillip. Say, what�s Terrance doing down there?
PHILLIP: We were searching for treasure and I found some old Kroft Dinner and Terrance is pretending to be a worm and eating it, Alex Trebek!
[There is an uncomfortable silence for a few seconds.]
ALEX TREBEK: Oh. Say, would you guys like for me to turn on the telly?
TERRANCE: That would be terrific, Alex Trebek!
[Alex Trebek gets a remote control out from behind the counter and points it at a TV mounted on the ceiling and pointing into the dining area. Terrance and Phillip take their Kroft Dinner and sit down. Alex Trebek turns on the TV. Alan Thicke is on.]
ALAN THICKE: (On TV.) Friends, we are headed for a crisis of Biblical proportions! I happen to know that, at this very minute, Terrance and Phillip are out to ruin the Canadian National Thanksgiving Parade!
[Gasps from the audience.]
ALAN THICKE: (On TV.) That�s right! This cannot go on any longer! Canada can no longer tolerate such wantonly destructive and immature behavior! We must take action! Are you with me?
AUDIENCE: (On TV.) YES!
ALAN THICKE: (On TV.) I said, �Are you with me?�
AUDIENCE: (On TV.) YES!!
ALAN THICKE: (On TV.) Excellent! Now, I don�t want us to rush into a situation where Terrance and Phillip kill us all and eat our flesh from off of our very bones. This can, does, and has happened before when people have tried to stop them!
[The audience gasps.}
ALAN THICKE: (On TV.) So that we shall be prepared for the evil they have in mind, on of my camera crews volunteered risk their lives and follow Terrance and Phillip. Let�s see what they�re doing now!
[The scene on the TV changes to an obviously prerecorded �skit.� Scott and Alan Thicke are dressed up like Terrance and Phillip at the Canadian National Thanksgiving Parade secret warehouse.]
SCOTT: (On TV.) Um...Say...Terrance? Why don�t we...uh...oh, Goddammit! Line!
VOICE: (On TV, off screen.) �Why don�t we break the hot air machine for the balloons so there can be no Canadian National Thanksgiving Parade.�
SCOTT: (On TV.) Oh, right! Thanks, Marty. Why don�t we break the hot air machine for the balloons so there can be no Canadian National Thanksgiving Parade?
ALAN THICKE: (On TV.) That...sounds...terr...terrif...terrific, Scott, I mean, Phillip! Let�s break the hot Airedale machine so there...
DIRECTOR: (On TV, off screen.) No no no no no! You two are the worst actors I�ve ever worked with!
[The director walks into the camera shot.]
DIRECTOR: (On TV.) How many times do we have run through this!? If you f*ckers don�t get it right this time, I�m leaving and you can do you dumb-ass propaganda film yourselves! Got it!?
SCOTT AND ALAN THICKE: (On TV.) Yes, sir.
DIRECTOR: (On TV.) OK, people, let�s try it again!
[He walks out of the scene.]
DIRECTOR: (On TV, off screen.) Take it from where you f*cked it up last time, Alan Thicke!
ALAN THICKE: (On TV.) Let�s break their hot air machine so there will be no balloons for the Canadian National Thanksgiving Parade!
[Someone off screen hands Scott a sledgehammer.]
SCOTT: (On TV.) Oh, look...I have found...a sledgehammer?
[He breaks the door to the secret warehouse down.]
ALAN THICKE: (On TV.) Phillip, why...didn�t you...fart the door...down?
SCOTT: (On TV.) That�s how...I�m going to...break their hot...air mach...ine so there can be no...balloons for the...Canadian National...Thanksgiving...Parade!
ALAN THICKE: (On TV.) Fantastic...idea, Phillip?
[Scott smashes the hot air machine with the sledgehammer.]
ALAN THICKE: (On TV.) Boy...Phillip...that sure was a...big...fart?
SCOTT: (On TV.) Yes! We sure are evil...Terrance?
ALAN THICKE: (On TV.) We sure are...Phillip?
[They both start laughing evilly.]
DIRECTOR: (On TV, off screen.) Cut!
[Scott and Alan Thicke stop laughing. The scene fades to black and �This has been a Scott from Canada and Alan Thicke Production� fades in in large white letters. The scene goes back to Alan Thicke�s TV show.]
ALAN THICKE: (On TV.) So you see, my fellow Canadians, we must go forth and kill Terrance and Phillip many times for what they have done to the Canadian National Thanksgiving Parade! They shall not go unpunished for their crimes against us! Well, that�s all the time we have for today. So, remember, help keep the pet population down, have any insects, tricycles, and old people you see spayed or neutered!
[Alan Thicke starts singing �O, Canada.� Scott, still wearing his Phillip costume, the Toronto Blue Jays, the Edmonton Oilers, Wayne Gretsky, and Wink Martindale also come in and sing with him. A large banner with sparklers on the sides, which reads: �Kill The Fart-Lovers,� rises up behind them.]
[Alex Trebek turns off the TV. Terrance and Phillip seem to just sit in stunned silence.]
PHILLIP: I wonder what ever they could mean, Terrance?
TERRANCE: Yes! I was left rather confused by their message! Say, Phillip?
PHILLIP: Yes, Terrance?
TERRANCE: Why did you fart on the hot air machine so there could be no balloons for the Canadian National Thanksgiving Parade?
PHILLIP: I don�t know, Terrance! I don�t remember doing that!
TERRANCE: Perhaps you were sleepwalking again?
PHILLIP: You mean sleepfarting again!
[Terrance and Phillip erupt into laughter.]
[Int. view, Scott�s war room. Scott is sitting at his desk, wearing a bean costume. The phone rings and he answers it.]
SCOTT: Hello? Yes, this is Scott from Canada. Oh, hello, Alan Thicke. No. What secretary? I�ve never had a secretary...and I�m not currently dressed like a bean, despite my hatred for Terrance and Phillip and their bean-loving ways, either! Yes, I agree! The show today surely will have the Canadian people outraged and wanting to kill Terrance and Phillip! What? Oh, yes, and their pets, too. Yes. All right, I�ll see you there! Scott out.
[He hangs up the phone.]
SCOTT: Tomorrow morning you will be mashed into paste and served upon crackers as pat� at my Thanksgiving Victory Dinner, Terrance and Phillip!
[Dramatic chord and reverb.]
[Ext. view, Alex Trebek�s house.]
[Int. view, Alex Trebek�s living room. The whole thing is set up to look like the set of Jeopardy, complete with podiums for guests. Terrance and Phillip are behind two of the podiums, with their names written on the monitors in front, and Alex Trebek is at his podium a few feet away.]
TERRANCE: It sure was good of you to let us stay here over night, Alex Trebek!
PHILLIP: Yes! If it weren�t for you, all the other Canadian citizens would have killed us!
ALEX TREBEK: Well, I know that you guys didn�t break the hot air machine so that there will no balloons for the Canadian National Thanksgiving Parade. That, and you�re my best customers.
PHILLIP: How do you know that we didn�t break the hot air machine so that there will be no balloons for the Canadian National Thanksgiving Parade?
ALEX TREBEK: Well, I figure that since you were at Karl�s Kroft Dinner Palace when it happened, then you couldn�t have done it.
TERRANCE: Say! I think he may be right, Phillip!
PHILLIP: Oh, Alex Trebek, you truly are the smartest Canadian of them all!
TERRANCE: So, what do we do now, Alex Trebek?
ALEX TREBEK: Well, for now we should probably just hold out here and let things cool down a little.
TERRANCE: But, Alex Trebek, we are supposed to help with the balloons for the Canadian National Thanksgiving Parade tomorrow morning!
PHILLIP: Yes, without our help, there may be no balloons for the Canadian National Thanksgiving Parade!
ALEX TREBEK: Everybody out there thinks that you two broke the hot air machine so that there will be no balloons for the Canadian National Thanksgiving Parade! If you go there, they�ll all kill you several times each!
TERRANCE: Wait! I�ve got it!
PHILLIP: What have you got, Terrance; a fart?
TERRANCE: Not right now, but I will later!
PHILLIP: What is it then, Terrance?
TERRANCE: I think I might have an idea!
[Terrance farts. Terrance, Phillip, and Alex Trebek all laugh.]
TERRANCE: No, it was a fart all along!
ALEX TREBEK: So, what now?
[There is a loud gurgling sound coming from Phillip. He lets out a long, long fart that lasts for about a minute. Everybody laughs the whole time.]
TERRANCE: My Kroft Dinner, Phillip! What did you eat that made you fart for so long?
PHILLIP: It must have been those cans of beans we had at home, Terrance!
ALEX TREBEK: What cans of beans?
TERRANCE: Phillip ate some 40-year-old beans yesterday!
ALEX TREBEK: That�s it!
PHILLIP: That�s what, Alex Trebek?
TERRANCE: Did you fart?
ALEX TREBEK: No, it�s nothing like that. I have a huge stockpile of expired beans in my basement! If you guys eat enough of those beans, you won�t need the hot air machine for the balloons at the Canadian National Thanksgiving Parade!
TERRANCE: Terrific idea, Alex Trebek! But how will we get past all the people?
ALEX TREBEK: Leave that to me! Just get down there and start eating all the beans you can!
[Ext. view, Main Street Canada. There are people lined up all along the sidewalks, many of them wearing �I H8 T&P� shirts and carrying weapons one kind or another. Alex Trebek walks into the middle of the street with a megaphone.]
ALEX TREBEK: (Through the megaphone.) Friends, Romans, Canadians, look over there!
[He points off in some direction. All the people look. While they are looking, Alex Trebek waves Terrance and Phillip to go on by. Terrance and Phillip stop and look, too.]
TERRANCE: What do you suppose everybody is looking at, Phillip?
PHILLIP: Maybe they�re all looking at that bean-shaped cloud, Terrance!
TERRANCE: Hey! That cloud looks like Barky and Purry farting on each other!
[Terrance and Phillip laugh.]
ALEX TREBEK: (Through the megaphone.) You guys aren�t supposed to be looking! Get to the secret warehouse!
[The crowd all turn and look at Terrance and Phillip.]
ALEX TREBEK: (Through the megaphone.) Oh, f*ck.
MAN: It�s Terrance and Phillip!
WOMAN: Get them!
[Terrance, Phillip, and Alex Trebek all run as the enormous mob chases them to the secret warehouse. They get inside and Alex Trebek barricades the door.]
ALEX TREBEK: You guys start filling those balloons up! I�ll hold them here!
TERRANCE: But, Alex Trebek!
ALEX TREBEK: Do it! I�ll be all right; I�m a Canadian celebrity!
PHILLIP: God bless you, Alex Trebek!
[Terrance and Phillip start getting out balloons.]
TERRANCE: Ready, Phillip?
PHILLIP: Ready, Terrance!
[They each grab all the air intake valves for balloons that they can and start farting into them. The balloons start to fill up and rise.]
TERRANCE: We�ve done it, Alex Trebek!
PHILLIP: Come and see the fruit of our farts!
[Alex Trebek runs into the room. The mob follows him in.]
MAN: They�ve blown up the balloons!
WOMAN: Why?
TERRANCE: To show you that we were innocent.
PHILLIP: We would never try to destroy the hot air machine so that there couldn�t be any balloons for the Canadian National Thanksgiving Parade! Especially since we were asked to help with them to start!
ALEX TREBEK: Now, let�s all go and have the best f*cking Canadian National Thanksgiving Parade this country has ever seen!
[Everyone cheers. People start attaching the balloons to cars inside the warehouse for the parade and driving out.]
[Ext. view, Main Street Canada. There is a huge parade going on, complete with balloons. The crowd is carrying Terrance and Phillip on their shoulders.]
TERRANCE: It looks like we�ve saved the day, Phillip!
PHILLIP: It sure does, Terrance! But I can�t help but wonder what ever became of that smelly Alan Thicke person that tried to get us killed?
[The crowd sets Terrance and Phillip down at the Grand Marshall�s stand. The Grand Marshall is abnormally tall and wobbly.]
GRAND MARSHALL: Terrance and Phillip, in recognition for your efforts, I, on behalf of the great nation of Canada would like to...kill you!
[The Grand Marshal pulls off a mask and opens his coat to reveal that he is Scott sitting on Alan Thicke�s shoulders. The crowd gasps.]
TERRANCE: Hey, Scott!
PHILLIP: Say, Terrance? Isn�t that that smelly Alan Thicke?
TERRANCE: I think you�re right, Phillip! Scott, why are you with Alan Thicke?
SCOTT: Because we had you framed for breaking the hot air machine so that there could be no balloons for the Canadian National Thanksgiving Parade! We�ve been working together the whole time, you fart-loving bastards!
ALAN THICKE: And now it�s time for you do die!
PHILLIP: But why, Scott?
SCOTT: I knew that the Canadian people wouldn�t ever try to kill you without a good reason, so Alan Thicke and I devised a plan whereby we would make all of Canada think that you were committing atrocities against innocent people all around Canada! Alan Thicke would tell everyone aboot it on the telly and your infamy would spread like wildfire across Canada! Then, we destroyed the hot air machine so that there couldn�t be any balloons for the Canadian National Thanksgiving Parade and blame it all on you! Ahahahahahahhahahahhahaha!
TERRANCE: You are such a dick, Scott!
SCOTT: You�re a dick!
TERRANCE: You�re a dick!
SCOTT: You�re a dick!
TERRANCE: You�re a dick!
SCOTT: You�re a dick!
[There is a pause.]
TERRANCE: You�re a dick!
SCOTT: You are the biggest dick in all of Canada and I would frame you again if I had the chance!
ALEX TREBEK: (Off screen.) There they are, officer!
[Alex Trebek, a cop, and Scientist #3 all come into the scene.]
ALAN THICKE: What�s all this aboot?
SCIENTIST #3: Let me explain. You see, I have been working feverishly on the Dr. Jeffrey O�Dwyer case for several months. Recently, I came to a startling conclusion.
SCOTT: We all know that it was Terrance who killed him, lab man!
SCIENTIST #3: I was never totally convinced of that, so I did more work into the case. It turns out that the piece of shirt was Terrance�s...
SCOTT: I told you!
SCIENTIST #3: ...But it did not have any of his DNA on it anywhere. No skin, no hair, nothing. What it did have was samples of Scott�s skin and hair.
SCOTT: I...uh...how did those get there?
SCIENTIST #3: On examining the haiku that Terrance supposedly wrote, I discovered that the handwriting in no way matches Terrance�s. It does, however, match Scott�s exactly.
SCOTT: What are you trying to say!?
SCIENTIST #3: I�m saying that you are the murderer of Dr. Jeffrey O�Dwyer! J�ai accuse, Scott!
SCOTT: Never! I�ll kill Terrance and Phillip first!
[Scott and Alan Thicke reach out towards Terrance and Phillip and wave their hands at them.]
ALEX TREBEK: What are you doing?
ALAN THICKE: We�re trying to give them cancer!
ALEX TREBEK: Cancer?
SCOTT: Yes! Cancer of the head!
ALEX TREBEK: Head cancer!? Noooo!
[Alex Trebek lunges at Scott and Alan Thicke, knocking them to the ground. The cop puts handcuffs on them.]
COP: Alan Thicke, you are under arrest for conspiracy to make a Canadian National Thanksgiving Parade suck and conspiracy to commit acts of mayhem! Scott from Canada, you are under arrest for the murder of Dr. Jeffrey O�Dwyer and all that other stuff. You have the right to get the sh*t beaten out of you, you have the right to cable TV, you have the right to...
TERRANCE: Alex Trebek, you saved us!
ALEX TREBEK: Well, I can�t let my best customers just die of head cancer.
PHILLIP: This has been a most wonderful Canadian National Thanksgiving, Terrance!
TERRANCE: It sure has, Phillip! And it could have only happened in Canada!
ALEX TREBEK: To Canada, Terrance!
TERRANCE: To Canada, Alex Trebek! To Canada, Phillip!
PHILLIP: To Canada, Terrance! To Canada, Alex Trebek!
ALEX TREBEK: To Canada, Phillip!
[They start to sing �O, Canada.� The crowd joins along with the Toronto Blue Jays, the Edmonton Oilers, Wayne Gretsky, and Wink Martindale. Wayne Gretsky cuts Wink Martindale�s head off with his hockey stick on accident. The camera pans back to show all of Canada singing along.]
[End song and credits.]
Kenny�s Bitch By Mr. Dead
[Warnings, song, and titles.]
[Ext. view, the bus stop. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman are there.]
KYLE: Did you guys see Terrance and Phillip last night?
STAN: Yeah! It kicked ass! Except I wish Cartoon Central would stop showing reruns and get some new shows on.
CARTMAN: Yeah, those guys that, like, thought that show up are a couple o' lazy assholes!
KYLE: Hey, where�s Kenny?
STAN: I don�t know; I haven�t seen him for a few days.
KYLE: Do you guys think he�s OK?
CARTMAN: Heh heh. His dad probably sold him to buy more booze.
[The kids laugh. Kenny walks up. He has his eyes half-closed and there are little flashes and hearts around his head.]
STAN, KYLE, AND CARTMAN: Hey, Kenny.
KYLE: Where were you, Kenny? Cartman was just making fun of your family again.
[Kenny is just standing there with what would be stupid grin on his face.]
KYLE: Kenny?
[No change.]
KYLE: Kenny!?
[No change.]
CARTMAN: Goddammit, you poor son-of-a-bitch! You will answer when you are spoken to!
[Cartman punches Kenny in the face. No change.]
STAN: Damn, man! What the Hell is wrong with him?
KYLE: Dude! I know what this is!
STAN: You do?
KYLE: Yeah! That the same look you get when you see Wendy Testaburger from far away!
STAN: You mean Kenny�s in love!?
KYLE: I think so.
CARTMAN: Heh heh. Yeah. He�s in love with your little, hippie girlfriend, Stan!
STAN: F*ck you, fat-ass! She is not my girlfriend!
CARTMAN: Ay! Cartman 3:16 says Ah will kick you in the nuts!
STAN: Cartman 3:16? What the Hell is that!?
KYLE: Nothing. Lard-ass has been watching wrestling again.
STAN: Oh.
CARTMAN: You will shut up and that�s the bottom line, son! You guys, Ah know what�s wrong with Kenny.
[There is silence. Cartman is getting very impatient waiting for someone to ask him what he thinks is wrong with Kenny.]
CARTMAN: Goddammit! Somebody ask me what�s wrong with him!
STAN: Oh, all right. (Mechanically.) Cartman, what do you think is wrong with Kenny?
CARTMAN: Well, Ah was watching this movie the other day and it had all these animals that could talk in it, right? Well, whenever one of them fell in love, this little skunk would say they were twitterpated and that�s what wrong with Kenny.
[Stan and Kyle start laughing at Cartman.]
CARTMAN: What the f*ck is so f*ckin� funny!?
STAN: You were watching Bambi!
[Stan falls over from laughing so hard.]
CARTMAN: Mah mom said that was how she wanted me to learn about the birds and the bees!
KYLE: (Laughing.) Why? Doesn�t she have enough magazines at your house to share?
[There are tears rolling down Kyle�s face from laughing so hard.]
CARTMAN: Weak!
[The bus pulls up and the kids start to get on board except for Kenny who is still just standing there with that stupid grin on his face.]
STAN: Come on, Kenny!
[Kenny doesn�t move.]
STAN: Goddammit! Kyle, give me a hand with Kenny!
[Kyle and Stan each grab one of Kenny�s feet and drag him onto the bus, hitting his head on every step. Kenny�s expression never changes.]
[Int. view, the bus. Stan and Kenny stick Kenny in a seat and take their usual seat in back.]
STAN: Dude, this is more serious than I thought!
KYLE: Yeah! We better see if we can find someone at school to help us!
[Ext. view, South Park Elementary.]
[Int. view, Mr. Garrison�s classroom.]
MR. GARRISON: And now, class, our friend, Mr. Hat is going to tell us all about the wonders of fire safety.
MR. HAT: That�s right, Mr. Garrison. Fire is mankind�s oldest and most dangerous enemy. It was first captured when Marco Polo joined the Seattle Seahawks in 1237. After that, it took a holiday in Denmark where it met its future in-laws, the Johnson family from Copenhagen....
STAN: (To Kyle.) Dude, we have to see if Kenny is in love with Wendy!
CARTMAN: Why, Stan? Are you afraid of a little competition for your hippie girlfriend?
STAN: She�s not my girlfriend, fat-ass!
CARTMAN: Ay! Ah don�t hafta take that kind of sh*t from some asshole with a gay homosexual dog! Screw you guys, Ah�m goin� home.
[Cartman gets up and starts to leave.]
MR. GARRISON: Eric, where do you think you�re going?
CARTMAN: (Pointing at Stan, Kyle, and Kenny.) Ah ain�t gonna sit with those assholes no more! Screw you guys, Ah�m goin� home.
MR. GARRISON: Eric, sit your fat ass down and shut up!
CARTMAN: But Ah don� wanna!
MR. HAT: You sit down right now, you little f*cker, before I kill everyone in this room!
CARTMAN: (Under his breath.) Weak.
[Cartman sits back down.]
MR. GARRISON: Now, if there aren�t any more interruptions, Mr. Hat can continue his lecture.
[Mr. Hat continues his lecture in the background.]
STAN: Hey, Wendy, could you do me a favor?
WENDY: What�s up, Stan?
STAN: I...um...I need you to talk to Kenny.
WENDY: Why?
KYLE: Well, Kenny looks just like Stan does when he sees you from far away so we think he might be in love.
WENDY: What!?
STAN: Dude! Just say hi or something!
WENDY: Oh, all right. (To Kenny.) Hi, Kenny.
[Kenny doesn�t do anything. He still just sitting there with his eyes half shut and little hearts and flashes around his head.]
KYLE: Well that proves it. Kenny�s in love but it�s not with Wendy.
STAN: How do you know that?
KYLE: Simple. Every time Wendy talks to you like that, you barf.
STAN: Oh, yeah!
CARTMAN: So, who�s Kenny in love with, then?
KYLE: Well...I don�t know.
STAN: Then there�s only one way to find out!
[Film montage of all the girls in the class saying hi to Kenny. Stan and Kyle are wearing white lab coats and holding clipboards, taking notes. Some of that corny 1950s �science film music� is playing the whole time. Cartman is busy emptying bag after bag of Cheesy Poofs. Kyle and Stan compare notes and shake their heads.]
KYLE: Dammit! There�s no one left!
STAN: Well, there�s one more thing we can do.
CARTMAN: Ah thought you said that last thing was the last thing we could do?
STAN: No one asked you, nostril-f*cker!
[Int. view, South Park Elementary cafeteria. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman walk up to the end of the line for lunch, dragging Kenny, who still has all the little hearts and flashes around his head, behind them. Cartman is sweating.]
CARTMAN: Goddamn, Kenny�s heavy. Ah don�t think Ah have ever worked this hard in my life, you guys, seriously.
STAN: Jesus, Cartman! You�re only carrying part of him! How hard could this be!?
CARTMAN: Ay! You Whities have oppressed mah people long enough!
KYLE: What the Hell are you talking about!?
CARTMAN: Mah black people have been held down in this country for over 400 years and we ain�t gonna take this bullsh*t no more, Goddammit!
STAN: But, Cartman, you�re white.
CARTMAN: Ah am not listening to you, Whitey!
[The line moves up a few people.]
KYLE: Well, let�s get up there. Cartman, grab Kenny.
CARTMAN: (Sarcastically.) Oh, yes, Massa! Ah carries him real good, Massa!
[Cartman starts singing �Swing Low Sweet Chariot� as he drags Kenny behind him.]
KYLE: So what are we doing?
[Cartman is singing in the background.]
STAN: Dude, Chef knows more about love than anyone we know, right?
[Cartman is still singing in the background.]
KYLE: Right.
[Cartman is still singing in the background.]
STAN: So, we�ll ask him to help us with Kenny!
[Cartman is singing in the background.]
KYLE: Goddammit! Will you shut up already, Cartman!?
[The line moves up to where Chef is.]
CHEF: Hello, children!
STAN, KYLE, AND CARTMAN: Hey, Chef!
CHEF: And how are my little whitebreads today?
STAN: Bad.
CHEF: Why bad?
KYLE: We think Kenny�s in love; he won�t do anything but just sit there and look all weird.
CARTMAN: Ah think he�s twitterpated.
CHEF: You mean like in �Bambi?�
CARTMAN: Yeah that�s it!
CHEF: Were you over at Kyle�s house when his brother was watching it?
CARTMAN: No, Ah saw it at mah house. Mah mom wanted me to watch it so Ah could learn how the birds and bees get each other pregnant.
CHEF: Say what?
CARTMAN: Yeah! Every time some animals would fall in love, they�d get these little hearts around them and they�d fall all over the place and this skunk would say they were twitterpated!
STAN: Yeah! And then Bambi�s mom got shot!
CARTMAN: She WHAT!?
CHEF: So, you were actually just watching �Bambi� at home?
CARTMAN: Yeah?
[Chef starts laughing and falls behind the lunch counter, knocking a big spoonful of peas into the air.]
STAN: Chef! We really need your help!
[Chef gets up from behind the counter and wipes a tear from his eye.]
CHEF: All right, children. What can I do for you?
KYLE: We checked with every girl in our class and Kenny�s not in love with any of them!
CHEF: Uh-huh.
STAN: So we need to know who else there could be to check!
CHEF: Hmm. Well, I�m not Sherlock Holmes, children, but there is that new girl in school.
KYLE: What new girl?
CHEF: She just moved here this weekend and today is her first day. I think Principal Victoria and Mr. Mackey were showing her around the school earlier today.
STAN: Do you know where she is now?
CHEF: Oh, children, that�s easy. She�s just over there.
[Chef points off screen. The camera zips off in the direction he pointed to show a girl who looks a lot like Kenny except that she is wearing a purple and pink parka and hood and she has blond pigtails sticking out of her hood.]
[Cut back to Chef and the kids.]
KYLE: What�s her name?
CHEF: I think it�s Kelly McGuire.
STAN: Killer! Thanks, Chef!
[Stan and Kyle walk off screen.]
CHEF: (To Stan and Kyle.) Wait, children! I have a song for this! I...oh, forget it.
CARTMAN: Ah wanna hear your song, Chef!
CHEF: That�s nice, children. Now get your food and go sit your fat ass down.
CARTMAN: Ay!
[Cut to Stan and Kyle. They are walking toward Kelly.]
STAN: Dude, this is weird.
KYLE: Totally! She could almost be Kenny�s twin sister!
[They stop dead in their tracks.]
STAN AND KYLE: Ew.
[They walk up to Kelly.]
STAN: Uh...Kelly? My name�s Stan and this is Kyle.
KYLE: Hi.
KELLY: Mmnm.
STAN: We were wondering if you�d do us a favor?
KELLY: Nmmn?
KYLE: (Points to Kenny.) See, that�s our friend, Kenny. We...uh...we think he may have...um...fallen in love with you.
KELLY: Mnmm nmm?
STAN: Yeah, but we don�t know for sure. Could you just go up and say hi to him?
KELLY: Mnmm.
[Kelly walks over to Kenny.]
KELLY: Mnmmn, Mmnmn.
[Kenny barfs but nothing comes out of his hood. Instead, a puddle starts forming at his feet. Stan and Kyle walk back to Cartman.]
STAN: That�s it!
KYLE: Dude! We did it! We found the girl Kenny�s in love with!
CARTMAN: Rock the Casbah! We know who Kenny twitterpated Kenny!
[Stan and Kyle stare at Cartman.]
CARTMAN: What?
STAN: Goddamn, Cartman! Can�t you say anything that�s not so f*cking lame!?
CARTMAN: Ay! You can just kiss mah black ass!
[Cut to commercial.]
[Ext. view, Stan�s house at night. Stan�s parents are on the front steps while Stan is standing just inside the door, which is open.]
MRS. MARSH: Now, Stanley, you boys behave and don�t get into any trouble while were at the movies.
STAN: I won�t, Mom.
MR. MARSH: Here, Stan.
[Stan�s dad hands Stan $20 bucks.]
MR. MARSH: Order some pizza or something for dinner.
STAN: Dude! Cartman�s here! Twenty bucks isn�t going to be enough money for pizza if he�s eating too!
MRS. MARSH: We�d better go or we�ll miss the music and those movie trivia things before the movie!
MR. MARSH: See you later, Stan!
[Stan�s parents get into the car and back out into the street. Mrs. Marsh sticks her head out the window.]
MRS. MARSH: And remember, Stanley, don�t watch that awful Terrance and Phillip, all right?
STAN: OK, Mom.
[Mrs. Marsh sticks her head back in the car and they leave. Stan goes inside and closes the door.]
[Int. view, Stan�s living room. Kyle and Cartman are sitting on the couch.]
CARTMAN: (Acting like Stan�s mom.) Don�t watch that awful Terrance and Phillip, Stanley! Bwahahahahahahahaha!
KYLE: That sucks that your mom says we can�t watch Terrance and Phillip, Dude.
STAN: I know.
KYLE: So, what are we going to watch now?
CARTMAN: We could watch �Working!� That show is coo�!
KYLE: Cartman! That show couldn�t suck any more if it were the vacuum of space!
CARTMAN: What do you mean!? Fred Savage is one of the greatest actors of our time, Goddammit!
STAN: Cartman, Fred Savage hasn�t been in a show as bad as �Working� since he was on �Full House!�
KYLE: Seriously, what are you going to do, Stan?
STAN: I�m going to do what any red-blooded American kid would do.
CARTMAN: So, are we watchin� Terrance and Phillip, or what?
STAN: Totally.
[Stan hops up onto the couch, picks up the remote control, points it at the TV, and turns the TV on. Terrance and Phillip are on. Cut to TV screen.]
TERRANCE: (On TV.) Oh, Phillip?
PHILLIP: (On TV.) Yes, Terrance?
TERRANCE: (On TV.) I bought a new car today!
PHILLIP: (On TV.) A new car, Terrance?
TERRANCE: (On TV.) Yes! Would you like to smell the air freshener that came with it?
PHILLIP: (On TV.) You know I would, Terrance!
[Terrance farts. Terrance and Phillip both start laughing. Cut back to the kids on the couch. They�re all laughing, too.]
CARTMAN: Man! That was sweet!
KYLE: He farted right on him again!
STAN: Hey! Where�s Kenny?
CARTMAN: He probably had go help his family root around in the dumpster behind Happy Burger!
[The kids all laugh.]
STAN: This isn�t like him to miss Terrance and Phillip. Maybe I should call him?
KYLE: Does Kenny even have a phone?
CARTMAN: Yeah, Stan. If Ah was you, Ah�d just tah a note to a brick and through it through Kenny�s window.
KYLE: Do they even have windows?
[Stan and Cartman both shrug.]
STAN: I�m going to try and call him anyway.
[Stan gets a phone book off the table the phone is sitting on, next to the couch.]
STAN: Here it is!
[Stan picks up the phone and dials Kenny�s number.]
[Int. view, Kenny�s living room. Kenny�s dad is drinking, naturally. Kenny�s mom and brother are sitting in front of an old picture of a fireplace.]
KENNY�S BROTHER: Ma, you think some day we can get a real heater?
MRS. MCCORMICK: Maybe some day, son. If yer father ever stops drinkin� so we have some f*ckin� money!
MR. MCCORMICK: Shut up, bitch! I work hard all day to support this family and I don�t wanna come home and hear that sh*t all the time, Goddammit!
MRS. MCCORMICK: You don�t work fer nothin� you son-of-a-bitch!
MR. MCCORMICK: Woman, so help me...
[Kenny�s brother has been laughing the whole time. The phone rings. Mr. McCormick picks it up.]
MR. MCCORMICK: Yeah?
STAN: (On the phone.) Is Kenny there?
MR. MCCORMICK: Has he won the lottery or somethin�?
STAN: (On the phone.) Uh...no.
MR. MCCORMICK: Well, sh*t. Yeah, he�s here. Hold on.
[Mr. McCormick sets down the phone, gets off the couch, and trips over several empty bottles next to the couch. He gets up and goes to Kenny�s door and pounds on it.]
[Int. view, Kenny�s room. Kenny and Kelly are sitting on the floor facing each other so we can�t see their faces but we can hear kissy sounds. Kenny�s dad pounds on the door.]
MR. MCCORMICK: (Behind the door.) Kenny! One of your little asshole friends on the phone!
[Kenny gets up and leaves his room. He goes over the phone and picks it up.]
KENNY: Mmnmm?
[Cut back to Stan on the phone in his living room.]
STAN: Kenny! Why aren�t you over here? We�re all watching Terrance and Phillip!
KENNY: (On the phone.) Mnnmmnm, mnmm mnn Nmnmm mmnnm.
STAN: What!? What�s she doing there?
[We can hear Kenny laughing on the phone.]
STAN: Oh. So, are you coming over later, then?
KENNY: (On the phone.) Nm. Mnmmn mnm nmnm.
STAN: Why the Hell not, Dammit!?
KENNY: (On the phone.) Mnm nmmmnm mmnmm nnmm nmmm nmmmmnnmmn mmnnm.
STAN: That�s sick, Dude!
[We can hear Kenny laughing again.]
STAN: Well, I guess we�ll see you at school tomorrow, Kenny. Bye.
[Stan hangs up the phone.]
KYLE: So, is Kenny coming over?
STAN: No! He says he�s busy with his �girlfriend!�
KYLE: Who? Kelly?
STAN: Yeah, I think so.
CARTMAN: Dude, this is f*ckin� weak! First we got Stan�s little hippie girlfriend and now we got Kenny�s bitch! What the Hell is goin� on hya!? Is Kyle gonna get all hitched up to some skanky Jewish tart next!?
STAN: Maybe you and Sally Struthers will get together.
[Stan and Kyle laugh.]
CARTMAN: Ay! Don�t you go and put me in your world of misery, ass-master! I will kick you squa� in the nuts!
[Ext. view, the bus stop. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman are all there.]
STAN: Do you guys think we�ll see Kenny today?
CARTMAN: Is he bringin� pah?
KYLE: (Sarcastically.) Yeah, Cartman. Kenny is bringing pie to school just like every other day because his family is so rich that they can just give away pies every f*cking day.
CARTMAN: Ay! If you�re gonna talk bad about pah, then I don�t wanna have anything to do with you, dog sucker!
STAN: Ooo, that�s a big loss.
[Stan and Kyle laugh.]
CARTMAN: Ay! Screw you guys! You guys are totally heli-immature.
STAN: Oh, not that stupid �heli� sh*t again!
[Kenny and Kelly walk up to the bus stop holding hands. They both have their eyes half-closed and have little flashes and hearts around their heads.]
STAN, KYLE, AND CARTMAN: Hey, Kenny.
STAN AND KYLE: Hey, Kelly.
CARTMAN: Hey, Little Miss Kenny�s Bitch.
[Kelly roshambos Cartman. Cartman falls down.]
CARTMAN: (Coughing.) Ugh! Christ! What the Hell was that for, ya damn dirty skank!?
[Kelly kicks Cartman in the face. All the kids, except Cartman, laugh.]
STAN: Dude! You�re pretty cool, Kelly!
KYLE: Yeah! Do you and Kenny want to hang out with us?
KENNY AND KELLY: Mnmmn!
STAN: Killer! Well, Miss Crabtree must be sleeping it off again. Let�s go.
[The kids, except for Cartman, start to leave.]
CARTMAN: Ay! What about me!?
KYLE: What about you?
CARTMAN: Are you assholes just gonna leave me hya to dah on the cold, cold ground?
STAN: Well, basically.
CARTMAN: What!?
KYLE: You heard him, Cartman! You�re out of the group! Come on guys.
[The kids, except for Cartman, leave.]
CARTMAN: (Yelling.) Fine! Screw you guys! I don� need none of you! I�ll find...*sniff*...new...*sniff*...friends.
[Cartman gets up and a tear runs down his face.]
CARTMAN: I can�t believe it. They abandoned me.
[He starts crying.]
CARTMAN: (Crying.) Dude, this is f*ckin� weak! I need somethin� to drah mah ahs.
[Cartman starts fishing around in his pocket. When he pulls his hand out, he has a few Cheesy Poofs in it.]
CARTMAN: Cheesy Poofs! Sweet! (To the Cheesy Poofs.) You guys are mah real friends. Yeah. You�d never leave me like those bitches did, would you? No.
[Cartman eats the Cheesy Poofs.]
CARTMAN: Too bad you�re so delicious!
[He burps loudly.]
CARTMAN: Well, Ah guess Ah better get to school.
[Cartman leaves the scene.]
[Ext. view, South Park Elementary.]
[Int. view, Mr. Garrison�s classroom. Mr. Garrison is writing �CIGARETTES� on the blackboard.]
MR. GARRISON: All right, class, settle down. Now, today we�re going to learn about why cigarettes are bad for you.
[The class groans.]
MR. GARRISON: But first, we�re going to learn about how we got the devil weed, tobacco, from our friend, Mr. Hat.
[The class groans louder.]
MR. HAT: All you little f*ckers shut up and die!
MR. GARRISON: Mr. Hat, I understand you have a lesson for us?
MR. HAT: That�s right, Mr. Garrison. Tobacco first came to this country in 1922 when Al Capone ruled Australia. It was here that the Japanese decided to raid India to exchange some crappy beads for a large chunk of the American continent. This was followed by the Pilgrims landing at Rocky Balboa�s mansion and...
[Mr. Hat continues in the background. Shot of the class. Kelly is now sitting at Cartman�s regular desk. Cartman is off in a corner by himself.]
STAN: Hey, Kelly? Do you and Kenny want to come over to my house tonight to watch Fat Abbot?
KENNY AND KELLY: Mnmmm.
KYLE: Why the Hell are we watching Fat Abbot?
STAN: Because it�s really f*cking funny to hear cartoons curse.
KYLE: Oh, yeah.
CARTMAN: What about me? Can Ah come over, too?
STAN: You�re not invited, Cartman.
CARTMAN: What!?
KYLE: You heard him, fat-ass. We don�t want you around anymore.
KELLY: Mnmmnm nnmm nmmm nm, mnnmm!
[The whole class, except for Cartman bursts out into laughter.]
CARTMAN: Goddammit, you f*ckin� bitch! Ah ain�t gonna take that kinda sh*t from some Power Puff Girl lookin��uh�girl.
MR. GARRISON: Eric! What is the meaning of this outburst!? Mr. Hat was in the middle of an important lesson!
CARTMAN: (Pointing at Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and Kelly.) Those assholes kicked me out of being their friend�
KYLE: Dammit, Cartman! You were never our friend!
CARTMAN: �And now they�re all, like, �You�you can�t come in here when Ah�m screwin� the neighborhood dogs and wearin' mah maid�s outfit while singin� the score from the �HMS Pinafore!��
[There is an awkward silence.]
MR. GARRISON: Eric, just what the Hell are you talking about!?
CARTMAN: Ah�m just sayin� they�re a bunch of bitches is all.
MR. GARRISON: Eric, shut your fat mouth.
CARTMAN: Ay!
[Int. view, South Park Elementary cafeteria. Stan, Kyle, Kenny and Kelly are just going to sit down while Cartman is still standing in line next to Pip and Terrance (Mephesto�s son).]
PIP: Cheerio, Eric! I was wondering�
CARTMAN: Shut up, Pip!
PIP: Righto. But, first, I was wondering why you aren�t with your chums?
CARTMAN: (Sarcastically.) Well, Ah am not sitting with them because Ah feel that they were in need of their personal space. (Yelling.) Why the Hell do you give a sh*t, Pip!?
PIP: Well, I was thinking that if your friends aren�t your friends anymore that perhaps we might become chums?
CARTMAN: Why, Pip, that is the most touching and deeply meaningful expression of friendship anyone has ever shown me.
[Cartman bursts out into laughter.]
CARTMAN: (Laughing.) That is so f*ckin� lame! Bwahahahahahahahahaha! You heli-suck, Pip!
TERRANCE: Then you don�t miss your friends, fatty?
CARTMAN: Hell no, I don�t miss them. And Ah�m not fat; Ah�m perfectly portly!
TERRANCE: What if I were to tell you that I knew how you could get friends who would never make fun of you and who would do everything you say?
CARTMAN: Ah�d say that sounds pretty sweet to me.
TERRANCE: Come to my father�s lab tonight. We�ll take care of everything.
CARTMAN: Kick ass!
[Cut back to Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and Kelly.]
STAN: I�m not sure we should have been so hard on Cartman, you guys.
KYLE: Why not?
STAN: I don�t know. It�s just that we�ve known Cartman all our lives and it doesn�t seem right just kicking him out all of a sudden.
KENNY: Mnmm mmnnmmm mmnm mmnmm mnm mmn mnmnmmm nmmm nmm, nmm nmmnmmnmm mmm mnnmmm nmmm nm; mmnmmnmm mnmm nmm nmmnnnmm.
KYLE: Totally.
STAN: Good point, Kenny.
[A tentacle suddenly springs out from Kelly�s back.]
STAN: What the Hell is that!?
KELLY: Mnmnn?
KYLE: Dude! There�s a tentacle sticking out of your back, Kelly!
STAN: Uh�I don�t think I�m hungry anymore.
[Ext. view, South Park Genetic Engineering Ranch. Lightning flashes ominously in the background. There are sounds of wolves howling.]
[Int. view, Mephesto�s lab. There are assorted chemicals in tubes and test tubes all over the place. Of course, there are also four-assed monkeys. Mephesto is working at a microscope. Terrance and Cartman enter.]
TERRANCE: Father, this is Eric Cartman.
MEPHESTO: Ah, yes, the boy who wanted a pig-elephant and whose mother has a penis. What can I do for you, Master Cartman?
TERRANCE: He�s �volunteering� for your continued research, Father.
MEPHESTO: He wants four asses?
[Cartman puts his hands behind his back.]
CARTMAN: Hell, no! This suck-ass here said that you could help me get some friends that wouldn�t call me fat and stuff!
MEPHESTO: You don�t have any friends of your own?
CARTMAN: Those assholes kicked me out and let Kenny�s bitch, Kelly, in.
[Int. view, Stan�s living room. Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and Kelly are all sitting on the couch, watching Fat Abbot.]
FAT ABBOT: (On TV.) Hey hey hey! Ah gots me a whole case of Colt .45! Who wants some?
RUDY: (On TV.) Man, Fat Abbot, you so fat you look like you ate 45 colts!
FAT ABBOT: (On TV.) Shut up, bitch!
[Shot of the kids on the couch. They�re all laughing. Kelly�s neck suddenly elongates so that she is about three times as tall as the rest of the kids.]
KYLE: Uh�
[Int. view, Mephesto�s lab.]
MEPHESTO: What were those names you said?
CARTMAN: What�re you, f*ckin� retarded or somethin�!? Ah said �Kenny� and �Kelly.�
MEPHESTO: Kenny McCormick?
CARTMAN: Yeah, so!?
MEPHESTO: Oh, crap. I was so deliciously worried that this might happen.
CARTMAN: What?
MEPHESTO: Well, you see, I took some blood samples from your friend, Kenny
CARTMAN: Where the Hell did you get some of Kenny�s blood!?
MEPHESTO: Christ, boy! It�s all over the town! Anyway, I took some samples of his blood and created a clone of him that is nearly genetically identical except that I modified the DNA to be that of a female. I called this clone Kelly but she disappeared recently. I�m afraid I haven�t yet perfected the cloning process and she may still be mutating.
CARTMAN: (Sarcastically.) Oh, well, nice job, Einstein!
[Cut back to Stan�s living room. The kids are still sitting on the couch, watching TV. Kelly suddenly sprouts a lobster claw from one side of her head.]
STAN: (To Kyle.) Dude, this is pretty f*cked up right here.
KYLE: Yep.
[Cut to commercial.]
[Int. view, Mephesto�s lab.]
CARTMAN: So, what you�re sayin� is that Kelly is really Kenny?
MEPHESTO: In a way, yes.
CARTMAN: Goddamn, this town is f*cked up.
MEPHESTO: Now, then, would you like for me to make those friends for you now?
CARTMAN: Yeah, whatever.
[Mephesto pulls a syringe out of his shirt pocket and sticks Cartman with it.]
CARTMAN: Ay! What the Hell was that for!?
MEPHESTO: I need a little bit of your blood to make your new friends.
[Mephesto puts equal amounts of the blood into three test tubes.]
CARTMAN: Is this gonna take long?
MEPHESTO: Oh, it�ll take about ten minutes or so. Here, why don�t you play with this?
[Mephesto gives Cartman a paddleball. Cartman starts playing with it.]
CARTMAN: One�two�three�four�uh, the number after four�
[The rubber band breaks and the ball goes flying off.]
CARTMAN: Goddamn, this is weak.
[Ext. view, Stan�s house.]
STAN: OK, Kelly, this was funny at first but now it�s gotten out of hand.
[Int. view, Stan�s living room. Stan and Kyle are standing on the floor now. Kenny and Kelly are still on the couch. Kelly now has a stegosaurus tail and a beaver�s head for a hand.]
KYLE: Kelly, are you okay?
KELLY: Mnmmm mmnmm nnm.
KYLE: If you say so.
STAN: What the Hell are we supposed to do now!?
KYLE: Well, you could ask the Lord for guidance.
STAN: (Sarcastically.) Oh, yeah. That�s always worked before.
KYLE: Well, ex-f*cking-scuse me, Ann Landers! I�m not the one with a freak girl that could wreck my house at any moment!
STAN: All right, all right. We�ve got to think here. What would Bobcat Goldthwait do?
KYLE: What would Bobcat Goldthwait do?
[The phone rings. Stan picks it up.]
STAN: Hello?
[The view goes to split-screen with Stan on one end and Bobcat Goldthwait on the other.]
BOBCAT GOLDTHWAIT: Is this Stan Marsh?
STAN: Yes.
BOBCAT GOLDTHWAIT: Stan, this is Bobcat Goldthwait. I heard that you were in need of some advice.
STAN: Dude!
KYLE: Who is it?
STAN: It�s Bobcat Goldthwait!
KYLE: Really? Sweet!
STAN: How did you get my number, Dude?
BOBCAT GOLDTHWAIT: Whenever I am needed, my network of secret agents sends me the phone number of the person that needs me via satellite.
STAN: Soooo, there�s some guy here in my house spying on us for you?
BOBCAT GOLDTHWAIT: Pretty much.
[Shot of a man in black hiding behind Stan�s couch.]
BOBCAT GOLDTHWAIT: So what is that you need, Stan?
STAN: Well, my friend Kenny�s girlfriend keeps mutating and we don�t know what to do. If she keeps this up, she might get too big for my house and trash the whole place on accident. What would you do?
BOBCAT GOLDTHWAIT: Well, what I would do is I would just take her outside.
STAN: That�s it!?
BOBCAT GOLDTHWAIT: Yeah, that way if she gets too big, she won�t tear apart your house.
STAN: Oooh. Thanks, Bobcat!
BOBCAT GOLDTHWAIT: No problem, Stan. Now, if you�ll excuse me, I�m getting a message from one of my agents in Zimbabwe.
STAN: OK. Hey, wait a second!
BOBCAT GOLDTHWAIT: What?
[Kyle grabs the phone.]
KYLE: Mr. Goldthwait, I�ve got a question.
BOBCAT GOLDTHWAIT: OK, but make it quick.
KYLE: What was the deal with that sh*tty �Shakes the Clown� movie?
BOBCAT GOLDTHWAIT: Hey, kid?
KYLE: What?
BOBCAT GOLDTHWAIT: F*ck you.
[Bobcat Goldthwait slams down the phone.]
KYLE: Man, what a dick!
STAN: OK, listen; we have to get Kelly outside.
KYLE: Right. How are we going to do that?
STAN: How the Hell should I know?
KYLE: Wait! I�ve got it! Kenny, get your ass outside right now!
KENNY: Mnmmnmm nnmm nmmnmmn nmm, nmmnm mnmm nnmm!
STAN: How would you do that with a watermelon?
KYLE: Kenny, we need for you and Kelly to go outside so she does get even weirder and makes Stan�s house look like yours.
STAN: Totally.
KENNY: Mnmm.
[Kenny takes Kelly�s non-beaver hand and takes her outside.]
STAN: So, what now?
KYLE: I don�t know.
[Ext. view, Stan�s house. Kenny and Kelly are in the front yard. Kelly has gotten noticeably larger. Stan and Kyle come out of the house.]
STAN: What the f*ck!?
KYLE: What happened to Kelly, Kenny?
KENNY: Mnmmnm nmm nmmm nmmmnmmn mnmmnm nmmnhnmn!
KYLE: Oh, well, that makes sense.
STAN: Totally, Dude.
[Int. view, Mephesto�s lab.]
CARTMAN: Goddammit! Where are mah new friends, you son-of-a-bitch!?
MEPHESTO: They�re lusciously ready! Come on in, boys!
[Cut to a shot of Cartman�s face. His eyes go wide and his mouth drops open.]
CARTMAN: What the�
MEPHESTO: I�ve finally perfected the art of human cloning! Behold my greatest works yet!
[Shot of Cartman�s three new friends. They all look exactly like Cartman except that they are dressed like Stan, Kyle, and Kenny, respectively.]
CARTMAN: Wow! They sure are handsome!
CARTMAN/STAN: Shut the Hell up, you fat f*ck!
CARTMAN/KYLE: Yeah, Cartman, you eat so many Cheesy Poofs that even if you owned stock in the company you�d still be losing money from buying so many!
CARTMAN/KENNY: Mnmmnm mnmm nmmnm, mnmnmnmn!
CARTMAN: Goddammit! You sons-of-bitches are supposed ta be mah friends, dammit!
CARTMAN/STAN: Why the Hell would we want to be your friends!?
CARTMAN/KYLE: Come on, guys. This place sucks ass!
[Cartman�s �friends� leave.]
MEPHESTO: Well, what do you think?
CARTMAN: What do Ah think? What do Ah think!? Ah�ll f*ckin� tell ya what Ah f*ckin� think, you Goddamn ass f*ckin� piece of donkey sh*t! You have done nothin� but screw me over tahm and tahm again! First you wanna to do crazy sh*t to mah Fluffy, then ya want $3,000 just to tell me mah mom is mah dad! Now ya go and make three of me that treat me like as much sh*t as mah old friends did! Ah�ll tell what Ah think! Ah�m gonna f*ckin� kill you!
[Cartman tackles Mephesto and starts beating the Hell out of him.]
[Ext. view, Stan�s house. The kids are still in the front yard. Kelly now has feathers all over her body. Her head remains the same.]
STAN: (To Kyle.) This isn�t cool.
KYLE: Yeah. But how are we supposed to tell Kenny there�s something wrong with his girlfriend?
STAN: We�ve got to be subtle. Kenny is our friend and we don�t want to hurt his feelings.
KYLE: Yeah. I mean, it�s not like he�s Cartman.
STAN: Right.
[Stan and Kyle walk over to Kenny.]
STAN: Kenny, we need to talk to you about Kelly.
KYLE: It�s not that we don�t like her but she�s�uh�well�she�she�s got this�um�
[The three Cartman clones walk in.]
CARTMAN/STAN: Goddamn! Look at the freak!
CARTMAN/KYLE: Dude! I hope she doesn�t touch me!
CARTMAN/KENNY: Mnmmnmm nmnmn nnnmmnn mmmmnm nmmm nnm mmmmnmnmm nmnm, nmnmmn, mnmnm, nmmmnmnmm, mmnmmmn, mnmnmnmmn!
[The three Cartmans laugh.]
STAN: Yeah. That�s pretty much it, Kenny.
KYLE: Yeah, sorry.
[Kenny looks at Stan and Kyle, then at Kelly. He goes back and forth for a while. Finally, he shakes his head and walks over to Kelly.]
STAN: Dude, I never thought Kenny would leave us for a girl.
KYLE: Yeah, I thought for sure he�d die first.
[Cartman enters with a bandoleer of syringes strapped to his chest.]
CARTMAN: There you are, you sons-of-bitches!
STAN: Cartman!?
CARTMAN: Not now, Stan. Ah�m talkin� to them.
[Cartman points at his clones.]
CARTMAN/KYLE: Jesus Christ, Cartman! How f*cking pathetic are you!? Can�t you not follow us around!?
CARTMAN/STAN: Yeah, Cartman! We don�t want your fat ass hanging around with us!
CARTMAN: Eeeeeeeeee! Goddammit! Ah am not fat you fat slug rapin�, ass-rammin�, Spice Girl lovin� freaks of science! DAH!
[Cartman pulls three syringes out of his bandoleer and charges the clones.]
CARTMAN/STAN: Well, at least he�s running at us.
CARTMAN/KYLE: Yeah, we�ll still be able to outrun him.
[The clones try to run away. They�re even slower than Cartman.]
CARTMAN/KYLE: What the!?
CARTMAN: Dah, you freak!
[He sticks Cartman/Kenny with a syringe and injects him. Cartman/Kenny turns into a puddle of protoplasm on Stan�s lawn.]
STAN: Oh, my God! He killed�uh�he killed something that looked like Kenny!
KYLE: So?
STAN: I don�t know.
CARTMAN/STAN: All right, fat-ass! Bring it on!
[Cartman/Stan takes a swing at Cartman. Cartman dodges out of the way and sticks Cartman/Stan in the arm with another syringe and injects him. Cartman/Stan is reduced to a puddle of protoplasm.]
CARTMAN: It looks like it�s just the two of us now, bitch!
CARTMAN/KYLE: Y-you can�t kill me!
CARTMAN: And why not?
CARTMAN/KYLE: Because, like it or not, I�m part of you. The part of you that doesn�t like the way you are. You can�t just ignore me or try to kill me somehow; you�ve got to accept me for what I am.
CARTMAN: You�re�*sniff*�you�re right. Come here, friend!
[Cartman/Kyle comes over to Cartman.]
CARTMAN: No hard feelin�s. Gimme a hug.
[Cartman/Kyle hugs Cartman.]
CARTMAN: Sucker!!
CARTMAN/KYLE: What!?
[Cartman sticks Cartman/Kyle in the back with a syringe and injects him. Cartman/Kyle becomes a puddle of protoplasm.]
CARTMAN: Well, Ah guess Ah don�t need these anymore!
[He takes the last two syringes off his bandoleer and tosses them over his shoulder. One of the syringes sticks into Kelly and gets injected into her. She turns into a puddle of protoplasm. The other syringe hits Kenny and injects him. At first, nothing happens. Then, Kenny turns into a small fish. He starts flopping around in the yard.]
STAN: Jesus, Cartman! What was that stuff!?
CARTMAN: The only thing that can undo the cloning process, Stan.
KYLE: And that would be?
CARTMAN: Jell-O pudding, duh!
STAN: We�re sorry we treated you so bad, Cartman.
CARTMAN: Really? You guys mean it?
KYLE: No.
[Stan hits Kyle.]
KYLE: I mean, yes.
CARTMAN: Ah love you guys.
STAN: We�re not that sorry, Cartman.
CARTMAN: Fahn! Then screw you guys!
KYLE: Hey! Isn�t almost time for Terrance and Phillip?
STAN: Hey, yeah! Let�s go inside and watch it! Are you coming, Cartman?
CARTMAN: Hell yeah, Ah�m comin�!
[Stan, Kyle, and Cartman all go inside. As Cartman is walking up to Stan�s house, he steps on Kenny and squishes him.]
CARTMAN: Oops.
[Cartman wipes his feet on the door mat before going into the house, smearing Kenny all over the door mat. Kenny�s eyes dangle over the step. A bird flies in and eats them.]
[Cut to commercial.]
[Ext. view, the bus stop. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman are there.]
STAN: Man, that was weird last night.
CARTMAN: What?
STAN: You know, how Terrance and Phillip decided not to be friends anymore so Terrance had Ugly Bob make a clone of Terrance that was dressed like Phillip but it treated Terrance the same way that Phillip treated Terrance so Terrance had to kill it by injecting it with Jell-O pudding and turned it into protoplasm and then Terrance and Phillip were friends again?
KYLE: Uh, Stan? That didn�t happen on Terrance and Phillip last night.
STAN: It didn�t!?
KYLE: No, that was last week, remember?
STAN: Oh, yeah.
CARTMAN: Hey, you guys, let�s never fight again, seriously.
KYLE: Cartman, we wouldn�t ever fight if it wasn�t for you anyway, you fat, sweaty Mongoloid!
STAN: Yeah, Cartman! We�d all get along just fine if you weren�t such a retard!
CARTMAN: Ay! Ah am tryin� to make peace hya and you two assholes are f*ckin� everything up! F*ck both of you! You go to Hell!
[The bus pulls up to the stop.]
STAN: It�s about f*ckin� time.
[Stan and Kyle get on the bus. Cartman stays behind. We hear Stan and Kyle scream followed by them running off the bus and out of the scene.]
CARTMAN: What?
[Cartman gets on the bus.]
CARTMAN: Hmm. Somethin�s not right hya�
[Cartman looks around the bus. Everyone on the bus is a clone of Cartman dressed as someone else.]
CARTMAN/MISS CRABTREE: Sit down, fat ass! We�re running late! Ahhhhhh!
CARTMAN: Son-of-a-bitch!
[End credits and song.]
Breaking Miss Crabtree By Mr. Dead
[Warnings, song, and titles.]
[Ext. view, Kyle's house.]
MRS. BROFSLOVSKI: Kyle, bubby, it's time to get up for school!
[Int. view, Kyle's room.]
MRS. BROFSLOVSKI: Kyle, dear, if you don't get up now, you'll miss the bus.
KYLE: I don't care; I'm not going to school today. I think I'm sick.
MRS. BROFSLOVSKI: Now you listen to me, young man! You are going to get out of that bed and you are going to school today! Do you understand me!?
KYLE: Yeah, whatever.
[Kyle gets out of bed and Mrs. Brofslovski leaves.]
KYLE: Goddammit.
IKE: E go skoo!
KYLE: Shut up, Ike. Maybe this'll make me feel better. Ready, Ike? Kick the baby!
IKE: Don' kick the baby!
KYLE: Kick the baby!
[Kyle punts Ike into the living room. He leaves his room and goes out to the kitchen for breakfast.]
MR. BROFSLOVSKI: Morning, son.
KYLE: Whatever.
MRS. BROFSLOVSKI: And what would my little bubbelah like for breakfast today?
KYLE: I'd like to go back to bed! I'm not feeling good, dammit!
MRS. BROFSLOVSKI: Gerald! Tell your son to watch his mouth!
MR. BROFSLOVSKI: Uh-huh.
MRS. BROFSLOVSKI: You are going to eat something before you go to school, Kyle. It will settle your stomach. Now, what do you want?
KYLE: Fine. I've have some bacon.
MRS. BROFSLOVSKI: What what what!? Gerald, do you hear what your son said!?
MR. BROFSLOVSKI: Uh-huh.
MRS. BROFSLOVSKI: Well do something about it, dammit!
MR. BROFSLOVSKI: Uh-huh.
MRS. BROFSLOVSKI: Just for that, you can go to school hungry, young man! And I hope that this teaches you some respect for your parents!
[Kyle leaves the table.]
KYLE: (Offscreen.) Fine. Maybe I'll just barf at school and have that freak nurse send me home.
[We can see Ike drinking some kind of kitchen cleanser.]
MRS. BROFSLOVSKI: Oh my God! Gerald! Ike is drinking poison! Call the hospital!
MR. BROFSLOVSKI: Uh-huh.
[Ext. view, the bus stop. Stan, Cartman, and Kenny are already there.]
STAN: Hey, Cartman, what do you have for lunch today?
CARTMAN: Well, mah mom has me on this diet, so Ah only have two peanut butter, pecan, bacon, and avocado sub sandwiches.
STAN: Damn, Cartman! That means you're going to miss Salisbury steak day!
CARTMAN: It's Salisbury steak day!? Man, that's f*ckin' weak! Hey, Ah know! Ah'll just eat mah sandwiches before the bus comes!
STAN: Jesus Christ, Cartman! It's no wonder you're such a fat-ass! You eat enough food to feed the state of Delaware in a day!
CARTMAN: F*ck you! Ah am not fat! Ah'm perfectly pudgy. Hey, Kenny, what's Delaware?
[Kenny shrugs.]
CARTMAN: Well, Mr. Genius Stan, do you know what Delaware is?
STAN: It just this one state that nothing ever happens in.
CARTMAN: Well, do they have anything worth seeing there?
STAN: I don't think so, Dude.
[Kyle walks up to the bus stop. He's turning red and he is clearly pissed off. Cartman is eating his sub sandwiches.]
STAN: Hey, Kyle!
KYLE: F*ck you!
STAN: Dude! What the Hell was that for!?
KYLE: Sorry, Stan. It's just that I don't feel too good today and my bitch mom is making me go to school anyway.
CARTMAN: (Trying to talk around a full mouth.) Heh, your mom doesn't love you like mah mom loves me.
KYLE: Well, at least I don't f*ck my mom!
CARTMAN: You shut the f*ck up, you Goddamn piece of sh*t! Ah'll kill you right where you stand!
KYLE: Good. Maybe I wouldn't have to go to school then.
[The bus pulls up and the door opens.]
MISS CRABTREE: Get the Hell on, you little f*ckers! Ahhhh!
STAN: Yeah, whatever, you fat, stupid whore.
MISS CRABTREE: What did you say!?
STAN: I said there's cat poop on that door.
MISS CRABTREE: Oh.
[The kids get on and take their seats.]
STAN: Damn, Kyle, you don't look so good.
KYLE: Oh, no sh*t! Thank you, Louis F*cking Pasteur!
MISS CRABTREE: Shut up back there! Ahhhh!
KYLE: This is bullsh*t!
CARTMAN: Um, Kyle? When Miss Crabtree kills you, can Ah have your Salisbury steak?
KYLE: No, you fat f*ck!
MISS CRABTREE: I said shut up!
[Kyle gets out of his seat and walks up the front of the bus.]
MISS CRABTREE: Sit down, kid!
KYLE: No.
MISS CRABTREE: Do you want an office referral!?
KYLE: Go ahead, give me a f*cking office referral! I want one!
[Miss Crabtree gets the gun and the bunny out of their special container.]
MISS CRABTREE: Uh, sit down or I'll shoot the bunny!
KYLE: Then let's see you do it! I want to see someone else in misery today! I shouldn't even be on this Goddamn f*cking bus! I should be home in bed, but I have to go to f*cking school today instead!
STAN: Um, Kyle?
KYLE: What!?
STAN: I think you should tell Miss Crabtree something about watching the road.
[Indeed, Miss Crabtree is just sitting there with her mouth agape staring at Kyle in disbelief.]
KYLE: Oh. Good idea, Stan. What are you doing!? Watch the f*cking road you Goddamn f*cking idiot!
[Miss Crabtree looks just in time to see that they are about to crash into Tom's Rhinoplasty.]
MISS CRABTREE: Ahhhh!
[She grabs the wheel and turns hard. All the kids except for Kyle are thrown around.]
KYLE: Goddamn, woman! Can't you even drive without yelling at us defenseless children!? Does that make you feel really f*cking important or something!?
[The bus stops at South Park Elementary. Miss Crabtree opens the door, still staring at Kyle with her mouth wide open. The kids get off the bus.]
STAN: Have a nice day, Miss Crabtree.
[She is still staring at Kyle.]
STAN: I said, "Have a nice day, Miss Crabtree!"
[No change in Miss Crabtree.]
STAN: Damn, Kyle! What did you do to her? She always screams at me when I say that!
KYLE: F*ck it. Let's go.
[The kids walk into the school.]
[Int. view, Mr. Garrison's classroom. Mr. Garrison is "teaching" the class a lesson about the Civil War.]
MR. GARRISON: Now, class, can anyone tell me what the Civil War was fought over?
[Clyde raises his hand.]
MR. GARRISON: Yes, Clyde?
CLYDE: Slavery?
MR. GARRISON: That's a nice try, Clyde, but it's still wrong because you're too stupid to know the right answer.
CARTMAN: Heh heh. You're a retard, Clyde!
MR. GARRISON: How about you, Eric? Can you tell us what the Civil War was fought over?
CARTMAN: (Under his breath.) God f*cking dammit.
MR. GARRISON: Well, Eric, can you or can't you?
CARTMAN: I know what it was fought over!
MR. GARRISON: Well, would you like to come up here and tell the class?
CARTMAN: No.
MR. GARRISON: Eric, get your ass up here now!
CARTMAN: Weak.
[Cartman gets up and goes to the front of the classroom.]
CARTMAN: The Civil War was a war that was fought between that Bill Gates guy and a bunch of hippies at a little piss-ant company called Apple, named after the Beatles' Apple Records. It was a battle to see if rich geeks or hippie geeks would rule the world.
MR. GARRISON: No, you get a "Z-" for this lesson, Eric.
MR. HAT: Sit down, you little turd! You don't know sh*t about anything!
MR. GARRISON: Heh heh, let 'im have it, Mr. Hat!
[Cartman sits back down.]
STAN: Goddamn, Cartman, could you be a bigger moron?
KENNY: Mmm mmmmm mmmmmm mmm mm?
STAN: That's what I meant: could you be a fatter moron, Cartman?
CARTMAN: You two just better shut up right now before Ah kick you squa' in the nuts!
MR. GARRISON: Does anyone know why the Civil War was fought?
[Wendy Testaburger raises her hand.]
MR. GARRISON: Yes, Wendy?
WENDY: The Civil War came as a climax to a long series of quarrels between the North and South over the interpretation of the United States Constitution. In general, the North favored a loose interpretation that would grant the federal government expanded powers. The South wanted to reserve all undefined powers to the individual states. This difference of opinion sprang primarily from economic considerations. The North, as well as the West, wanted internal improvements sponsored by the federal government � roads, railroads, and canals. The South, however, had little desire for these projects. Another source of conflict was the opening of public lands in the West. The distribution of such lands in small lots speeded the development of this section; but it was opposed in the South because it aided the free farmer rather than the slaveholding plantation owner. A similar quarrel developed over the tariff. The South wanted a low tariff in order to trade its cotton for cheap foreign goods. One issue, however, overshadowed all others � the right of the federal government to prohibit slavery in the Western territories. Such legislation would severely limit the number of slave states in the Union. At the same time the number of free states would keep multiplying. Many Southerners feared that a government increasingly dominated by free states might endanger existing slaveholdings. Thus the South strongly opposed all efforts to block the expansion of slavery. If the federal government did succeed in exercising this power many Southern political leaders threatened secession as a means of protecting states' rights. At least that's what volume 5 of the 1988 Edition Compton's Encyclopedia says.
[The classroom is in silence for a few seconds.]
MR. GARRISON: Buzz! Wrong!
WENDY: But�
MR. GARRISON: Now, class, what Wendy meant to say was that the Civil War was fought over Ginger Spice's leaving the Spice Girls. The North believed that Ginger should work at Pizza Hut while the South believed that�
KYLE: Mr. Garrison?
MR. GARRISON: What is it now, Kyle?
KYLE: Your whole lesson is a bunch of sh*t! None of it is even close to being right! Wendy should be teaching this f*cking class! Oh, and one more thing, Mr. Garrison!
[Kyle gets out of his seat and goes to the front of the classroom.]
KYLE: This is what I think of Mr. Hat!
[Kyle barfs on Mr. Garrison's shoes!]
MR. GARRISON: Oh, Goddammit, Kyle! Get your ass to Nurse Golem right now!
KYLE: About f*cking time.
[Kyle leaves the room.]
[Ext. view, the school bus. The door is still open but Miss Crabtree is nowhere to be seen. Chef pulls up in his Town and Country.]
CHEF: Hmmm. That's odd.
[Chef gets out of his car and walks over to the bus.]
CHEF: Miss Crabtree?
[There is no response. Chef gets on the bus.]
CHEF: Miss Crabtree?
[There is a faint sound from the back of the bus. Chef cautiously walks down the aisle towards the sound.]
CHEF: Oh my God!
[Miss Crabtree is curled up into the fetal position on one of the seats, sucking her thumb.]
[Ext. view, South Park Elementary.]
CHEF: And when I found her, she was just like this.
[Int. view, Mr. Mackey's office. Chef, Mr. Mackey, and Miss Crabtree are in the room. Miss Crabtree is wearing a straight jacket and is strapped to a chair. She's catatonic.]
MR. MACKEY: Mmkay. Miss Crabtree has reverted to her childhood, mmkay? She's gone back to a safe place, mmkay?
CHEF: Well, what could have done this to her?
MR. MACKEY: Oh, Hell! Any number of things: a bit of undercooked potato, a swallowed toothpick, mmkay?
MISS CRABTREE: Sit�down�down�shut up�bunny�shoot�
MR. MACKEY: There, you see, mmkay? It could have been any one of those things, mmkay?
CHEF: Mmkay. But those are all daily things for her.
MR. MACKEY: Well, she could just be a complete whack job, then, mmkay?
CHEF: Mmkay.
MR. MACKEY: Mmkay.
MISS CRABTREE: Green�hat�yelled�
MR. MACKEY: There! That might be our clue, mmkay? We need to find this green hat, mmkay?
CHEF: But who in South Park wears a green hat?
[Int. view, Nurse Golem's office. Kyle is sitting on the examining table. Nurse Golem enters the room, carrying a thermometer.]
NURSE GOLEM: Hello, Kyle. How are you today?
KYLE: Ahhhh! I mean, hi. Not so good.
NURSE GOLEM: Well, let's take your temperature. Where do you usually take a thermometer?
KYLE: In the mouth. Where else?
NURSE GOLEM: Well, we won't use this thermometer then.
[She gets a different thermometer.]
NURSE GOLEM: Okay. Now put this under your tongue and I'll be right back.
[Ninety seconds later�]
NURSE GOLEM: Let's just what that thermometer says�103!? I'm calling your mother; you need to go home right away!
KYLE: I told them I was sick.
[Int. view, Mr. Garrison's classroom. Mr. Garrison is still trying to "teach" his Civil War lesson.]
MR. GARRISON: So that was when Cybil Shepherd killed Marilyn Monroe. OK, are there any questions?
[Chef bursts into the room.]
CHEF: I'm sorry to interrupt, Mr. Garrison, but I have to find little Kyle.
STAN: Why?
CHEF: Well, Mr. Mackey needs him to help with someone's counseling.
CARTMAN: What for?
CHEF: Well, I can't tell you that. It's confidential.
KENNY: Mmm mmmmm mm mmmmmmm?
CHEF: Just tell me, dammit!
STAN: We don't know, Chef. He said he was sick and he's been really pissed off today because his bitch mom made him come to school instead of staying at home in bed. He was even yelling at Miss Crabtree and Mr. Garrison earlier.
CARTMAN: Yeah! And then he barfed on Mr. Garrison's shoes and we haven't seen him since. *sniff* I do so miss him.
[Cartman breaks into indecipherable sobs and whines.]
CHEF: Get a hold of yourself, children!
CARTMAN: *sniff* Thanks, Chef.
CHEF: So none of you children know where Kyle is right now?
STAN: Ask Mr. Garrison; he sent Kyle to see that freak nurse!
CHEF: Is that true, Garrison?
MR. GARRISON: Yes. He said he wanted to show me what he thought of Mr. Hat and then he just threw up on my shoes so I sent him to see Nurse Golem.
CHEF: Damn.
[Int. view, Nurse Golem's office. There is a knock at the door.]
NURSE GOLEM: Yes? Come in.
[Chef comes in.]
NURSE GOLEM: Chef, how may I help you? Can I�
CHEF: Ahhhh! I mean, have you seen Kyle lately?
NURSE GOLEM: Not since I sent him home; he was running a temperature.
[Cut to view of Mr. Mackey's office door.]
MR. MACKEY: (From inside the room.) So, he's gone home for the day, mmkay?
[Cut to inside the room. Miss Crabtree is still wearing the straight jacket and strapped to the chair she's sitting in.]
CHEF: Yeah. I guess we'll just have to wait until tomorrow to cure her. What will we do with her in the meantime?
MR. MACKEY: Well, I could try using hypnosis to fix her, mmkay? But that's really more of a party trick, mmkay?
CHEF: Can you turn her into a chicken?
MR. MACKEY: Oh, Hell yeah! Just watch!
[Cut to commercial.]
[Ext. view, Kyle's house. Stan, Cartman, and Kenny are walking up the sidewalk.]
STAN: Now remember: Kyle's sick so be nice to him.
CARTMAN: No way! Uh-uh! F*ck that! Ah am gonna get him for all the times he's made fun of me!
KENNY: Mmm mmmmmm mmm mmm!
CARTMAN: Screw you, you poor hippie!
STAN: Cartman, shut up.
[Stan rings the doorbell. Mrs. Brofslovski answers the door.]
MRS. BROFSLOVSKI: Oh, hello, children! Kyle will be so glad to see that you've come to visit him. Please, come inside.
[The kids go inside Kyle's house.]
[Int. view, the Brofslovski's living room.]
CARTMAN: So, how is the asshole son-of-a-bitch Jew, I mean, Kyle?
STAN: Yeah! Is he going to live?
MRS. BROFSLOVSKI: He's going to be fine; he just had a 24-hour flu that's all.
CARTMAN: So, he's not being an asshole anymore?
[Stan punches Cartman.]
CARTMAN: Ay!
MRS. BROFSLOVSKI: Why don't you children go in and visit him?
[The kids go into Kyle's room. Kyle is sitting up in bed.]
KYLE: Hey, guys. Sorry I was being an asshole earlier.
CARTMAN: See? I told you guys he was an asshole!
STAN: Go to Hell, Cartman. Hey, Kyle, did you hear about Miss Crabtree?
KYLE: No, what?
STAN: She's in a coma or something!
KYLE: Really?
CARTMAN: Yeah, you went and traumatized her for life, Dude!
KYLE: Damn. I didn't mean to do that! Honestly! I mean, Miss Crabtree's always been a bitch but I never meant to turn her into a vegetable!
STAN: Chef said that Mr. Mackey needs you to help him bring Miss Crabtree back to normal.
KYLE: Me? Why me?
CARTMAN: Because you're the one who made her brain turn into Jell-O with all your f*cking screaming! Because you're the one who made me miss mah Salisbury steak, Goddammit!
[Kyle gets out of bed, punches Cartman, and gets back in bed.]
CARTMAN: Goddammit! Ah will kill your sick hippie Jew ass in that bed!
[Cartman tries to rush Kyle but Stan and Kenny restrain him.]
STAN: Kyle, listen. You've got to help Mr. Mackey cure Miss Crabtree! If you don't we won't be able to go to school until they find a new bus driver!
CARTMAN: So? What's wrong with that?
KYLE: Listen, fat-ass! Stan's right! Do you want to still be going to school in the summer!?
CARTMAN: Man, that would be f*ckin' weak.
KYLE: All right. I'll do it.
[Ext. view, city hall.]
ASSISTANT #1: Mayor, we have a bit of a dilemma on our hands.
[Int. view, the Mayor's office. The Mayor and her two assistants are in the office.]
MAYOR: What is it now? Is Kathy Lee Gifford coming back? Are we under attack by pissed off, genetically engineered turkeys? Is Barbra Streisand destroying the town again? Does John Tesh want to do a concert here? What is it? What?
ASSISTANT #2: Well, it's nothing that drastic. The school bus driver has had a mental breakdown and South Park is without a bus driver.
MAYOR: That's it!? Of all the things that could happen, I have to have the one thing that guarantees no publicity! Oh, I'll never get out of this piss-ant white bread town with all these lowlife hicks and truck drivers! My talents are being wasted here!
ASSISTANT #2: Actually, Mayor, we could use this.
MAYOR: What? How?
ASSISTANT #1: It's all quite simple: you drive the bus.
MAYOR: Me? Yes! I can see it now! We'll get the press to cover it and show how caring I am!
[The Mayor goes to her desk and presses the intercom button.]
MAYOR: Ted?
TED: (Over intercom.) Yes, Mayor?
MAYOR: Get my beautician, my manicurist, and my make up coordinator! We're going to drive this bus all the way to Washington!
[Ext. view, the bus stop. All four of the kids are there.]
STAN: Are you feeling any better today, Kyle?
KYLE: Yeah! I took this Ny-Quil stuff right after you guys left last night and I just woke up ten minutes ago!
STAN: Cool!
CARTMAN: Mah mom says that Ny-Quil is the best stuff to take if you, like, hafta make sweet love to some guy you don't want to but you really need the money so you make sweet love with him anyway but you fall asleep while you're doin' it and in the morning when you wake up, you're lyin' face down in a dumpster in a puddle of your own puke.
[Stan, Kyle, and Kenny stare at Cartman for a few seconds of awkward silence.]
STAN: Cartman, what the Hell are you talking about?
CARTMAN: Ah'm just sayin' Ah'm glad Kyle feels better, that's all.
[The bus pulls up.]
KYLE: Hey! Maybe Miss Crabtree is OK after all!
[The bus door opens to reveal the Mayor (sitting in the driver's seat), her assistants, and a press crew]
STAN: What the Hell is this!?
KYLE: What the Hell is the Mayor doing driving the bus!?
MAYOR: Come on, you wonderful children! We�re going to make sure you get the education you deserve!
KYLE: What is she talking about?
STAN: I don�t know. Let�s just get on the bus.
[The kids get on the bus and the door closes. The bus drives off.]
[Int. view, the bus. The kids take their usual seats.]
KYLE: I don�t know about this, Dude.
STAN: What?
KYLE: The Mayor driving the bus. I mean, can she even drive?
[Cut to the front of the bus. The Mayor is having obvious difficulty keeping the bus on the road. The bus comes to an intersection and plows right through it, nearly hitting Stan�s grampa.]
[Ext. view, the intersection.]
GRAMPA MARSH: You Goddamn cowardly f*ck! Come back here and run over me, dammit!
[Ext. view, South Park Elementary. The bus pulls up. There is smoke pouring out from underneath the hood, there are huge scrapes along the side of the bus, and there is fire coming out of one of the windows. The doors open and the children run out screaming. The Mayor, her assistants, and the press crew get off the bus.]
MAYOR: Have a great day of learning at school! (Under her breath.) Good riddance, you little piss-ants.
ASSISTANT #1: (Pointing to the press crew.) Um...Your Honor?
MAYOR: What is it!? OH! We can take out that piss-ants part, right?
[All the members of the press crew shake their heads in the negative.]
[Int. view, Mr. Garrison�s classroom. For once, the kids are all sitting in their desks. All of them have horrified looks on their faces from the bus ride. Mr. Garrison isn�t in the room.]
STAN: Dude! Where is Mr. Garrison?
CARTMAN: Maybe Kyle scared the sh*t outta him and turned him into a vegetarian, too.
[Ext. view, Mr. Garrison�s house.]
[Int. view, Mr. Garrison�s bedroom. Mr. Garrison is sitting up in bed on the phone. There are pictures of Leonardo DiCaprio and Brett Favre all over the room.]
MR. GARRISON: That�s right, Principal Victoria. I have herpes again and I can�t come to school today. I�m really sick.
[Mr. Garrison attempts some really fake sounding coughs.]
[Int. view, Mr. Garrison�s classroom.]
STAN: So, what are we supposed to do now?
KYLE: I�ve got an idea!
STAN: What?
KYLE: My dad told me that when he was in college they had this thing called the �10/15 rule.�
CARTMAN: What the Hell kinda Jewish sh*t is that!?
KYLE: It�s not Jewish, fat-ass!
CARTMAN: Goddammit, you butt-f*ckin� son-of-a-bitch! Ah am not fat!
STAN: Shut up, Cartman! Kyle might have an idea to get us out of here! Go on, Kyle.
KYLE: So this �10/15 rule� says that you have to give a teacher ten minutes after class is supposed to start to show up and a professor 15 fifteen minutes.
STAN: What happens after that?
KYLE: Pretty much everybody says f*ck it and leaves.
CARTMAN: Aw, sweet! What time is it?
[The kids look around the room. There is no clock.]
STAN: What the f*ck is this!?
KYLE: What kind of classroom doesn�t have a Goddamn clock!?
KENNY: Mnmmnmm nnmmnmm mnmmnm nmm MNMMNMMN NMNMNNM!!
CARTMAN: Hey, you guys, Ah have a watch; is that like a clock?
KYLE: Lemme see it, Cartman!
CARTMAN: No way! You keep your Goddamn dirty Jew hands offa it!
STAN: We need to see what time it is, Cartman!
CARTMAN: Then Ah�ll just tell you mahself.
[Cartman looks at his watch.]
STAN: Well?
CARTMAN: Hold on! Damn.
[Cartman looks at his watch again.]
KYLE: Seriously, Cartman, what time is it?
CARTMAN: Well, Ah could tell you if you guys weren�t tryin� to rush me!
[Cartman looks at his watch again.]
CARTMAN: Ah know now!
STAN: What time is it, Cartman?
CARTMAN: Ah don�t know.
KYLE: You just said you knew!
CARTMAN: Ah meant that Ah know that Ah don�t know how to tell tahm.
KYLE: You son-of-a-bitch!
[Kyle jumps out of his desk, tackles Cartman, and takes his watch.]
KYLE: Dammit! We�ve still got a minute left!
CARTMAN: Then gimme back mah watch, asshole!
[Principal Victoria enters the room.]
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA: Now, children, settle down. Due to illness, your teacher, Mr. Garrison, will not be here today.
[The class cheers.]
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA: But he left instructions for a substitute teacher.
[The class groans. Principal Victoria gets out a piece of paper and starts reading from it.]
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA: (Reading.) �In the event of my being sick, the jittery kid with the spiky yellow hair is to teach the class for me. Signed, Mr. Garrison. PS, you little sh*ts had better stay out of my desk.� So, who is this jittery, yellow spiky haired kid?
[All eyes go to Tweek.]
TWEEK: Aaaaghh!
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA: Well, Tweek, it looks like you�re in charge now. Have a good day.
[Principal Victoria leaves.]
TWEEK: Aaaagghh! Too much pressure!
STAN: Hey, Tweek?
TWEEK: Aaaah!
STAN: Why don�t you let us leave really early?
CARTMAN: Yeah, like, right now?
TWEEK: Too many decisions! Can�t think! Need coffee!!
KYLE: Goddammn, Tweek! Are you still hooked on that stuff?
TWEEK: Need coffee!!
CARTMAN: Man, that coffee stuff is a bunch of sh*t! Ah wouldn�t drink that crap ever again if someone paid me to. Coffee sucks!
[Tweek jumps out of his desk and goes to Cartman.]
CARTMAN: Oh, are you really gonna try to teach us somethin�, Tweek?
[Tweek grabs Cartman by his collar and lifts Cartman out of his seat.]
STAN: What the!?
KYLE: Holy sh*t!
KENNY: Mmnmmnm nmmn mnnmm nnmmmn nmnmn nnnmmnmnmn mnm!!
TWEEK: (To Cartman.) What did you say about c-coffee!?
CARTMAN: (Weakly.) A-Ah said that coffee kicks ass?
[Tweek drops Cartman.]
TWEEK: Need coffee!!
KYLE: OK, Tweek. If we get you some coffee, will you let us go early?
TWEEK: Too much pressure! Get me coffee so I can think!
STAN: Come on, guys.
[Stan, Kyle, and Kenny walk off. Cartman stays behind.]
CARTMAN: (Calling after the gang.) Ay! Why the Hell do Ah hafta go!?
TWEEK: Get your f-fat ass in gear and go with th-them, lard boy!!
CARTMAN: Yes, sir!
[Cartman takes off. Shortly after he is gone, the Underpants Gnomes� music starts up and the Underpants Gnomes start marching into the room.]
TWEEK: Oh, no! Not here!
[Int. view, South Park Elementary hallway. Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and Cartman are trying to find the teachers� lounge.]
STAN: Where the Hell is the teachers� lounge!?
KYLE: (Pointing ahead.) Hey! What�s that room up there?
[Kyle points to a room with a blacked out window. There is smoke pouring out from underneath the door. The kids walk up to the door.]
KYLE: Should we try it?
STAN: It�s this or nothing, Dude.
[Stan knocks on the door. Behind the door, we can hear all sort of shuffling around and sounds of people running out of the room.]
KYLE: Uh...Hello?
STAN: Let�s just go in.
[Stan opens the door. A huge puff of smoke comes out the room, creating a smoke screen. After the smoke clears, the kids go into the room. It looks something like the typical teachers� lounge: lockers, a few chairs and benches, some magazines on a coffee table, etc.]
KYLE: *sniff sniff* What�s that smell?
STAN: It smells like Cartman�s mom�s room.
CARTMAN: Oh, you mean it smells like cigarettes.
STAN: Dude! Why the Hell does your mom smoke, Cartman!?
KENNY: Mnmnmm nmnm mnmmnm nnmmnm nnmnm nmmm nnnmmm mmmnmn.
STAN: Ooooh.
CARTMAN: Goddammit! Stop talkin� �bout mah mom that way, you camel-humpin� piece of sh*t!
[One of the lockers moves and makes a chicken noise.]
STAN: What the Hell was that!?
KYLE: Should we check it out?
CARTMAN: Uh...you guys, Ah think we should get some help hya, seriously.
STAN: Don�t be such a little bitch, Cartman!
CARTMAN: Ay! F*ck you and your little red pom-pom hat!
[Stan, Kyle, and Kenny stare at Cartman.]
CARTMAN: What?
KYLE: That was the f*cking lamest insult I have ever heard!
CARTMAN: Well, ex-f*ckin�-scuse me, Don Rickles!
STAN: Shut up, Cartman. OK, I�m going to open it now.
[Stan opens the locker. Close up shot of the kids� faces. They all gasp.]
[Cut to commercial.]
[Int. view, South Park Elementary teachers� lounge. The kids are all looking into the locker.]
STAN: What the f*ck is this!?
[Shot of the inside of the locker. Miss Crabtree has been stuffed inside of it. She still thinks she�s a chicken.]
CARTMAN: Oh...mah...God. Bwahahahahahahahahahahahhaha!
[Cartman falls down from laughing so hard. He wipes a tear from his eye.]
CARTMAN: That...is the...sweetest...thing...Ah have...ever seen! Bwahahahahahaha!
[Kyle kicks Cartman.]
CARTMAN: Ay! What the Hell was that for!?
KYLE: Dammit, Cartman! She needs our help and your laughing at her!
CARTMAN: Yeah, but...Ah mean, look at her!
[Stan, Kyle, and Kenny look at Miss Crabtree and start laughing uncontrollably. Mr. Mackey and Chef run into the room.]
MR. MACKEY: Oh, thank goodness! We found her, mmkay?
CHEF: What the Hell is the matter with you, children!? Get up, dammit!
[The kids straighten up.]
MR. MACKEY: W-why did you boys do this to poor Miss Crabtree, mmkay?
STAN: Dude! We didn�t do anything!
KYLE: Yeah! She was like this when we found her.
CHEF: Mackey, you�re the one who turned her into chicken!
MR. MACKEY: Oh, the guilt, the shame, and the mockery! O, Fate, how you laugh at me, mmkay?
[Chef slaps Mr. Mackey.]
CHEF: Dammit, Mackey! Get a hold of yourself!
MR. MACKEY: You�re right, Chef, mmkay? We�ve got to cure Miss Crabtree. I need you boys to help me, mmkay?
STAN: (Mocking Mr. Mackey.) Mmkay, Mr. Mackey, mmkay?
MR. MACKEY: Mmkay.
KYLE: (Mocking Mr. Mackey.) Mmkay?
MR. MACKEY: Mmkay.
CARTMAN: (Trying to mock Mr. Mackey.) Mmkay?
MR. MACKEY: Eric! Mmkay, are you mocking me?
CARTMAN: Uh...no?
MR. MACKEY: Don�t lie to me, you deep fat fried elephant testicle, mmkay!?
CARTMAN: Mmkay.
MR. MACKEY: What was that, mmkay!?
CARTMAN: (Reluctantly.) Yes, sir.
[Int. view, Mr. Mackey�s office. Miss Crabtree has been �secured� to her chair with a straight jacket. She, Mr. Mackey, Chef, and the kids are all sitting in a circle.]
STAN: So how are we going to fix Miss Crabtree sitting here like this?
MR. MACKEY: Well, the key to this whole situation seems to be Kyle here, mmkay? Somehow he�s involved in Miss Crabtree�s catatonia.
KYLE: What about her acting like a chicken?
MR. MACKEY: Oh, well, I�ll just fix that right now, mmkay? Miss Crabtree? You�re not a chicken anymore, mmkay?
[Mr. Mackey snaps his fingers and Miss Crabtree returns to her catatonic state.]
MR. MACKEY: There. All better, mmkay? Now, Kyle is there anything that you might have done that caused Miss Crabtree to completely breakdown and become a worthless shell of a human being, mmkay?
KYLE: Well, I...
MR. MACKEY: Go on. It�s all right, mmkay?
KYLE: OK, here goes. I yelled at her on the bus yesterday because I was sick and I was really pissed off that I had to go to school.
MR. MACKEY: That�s it, mmkay!
CHEF: What�s it?
MR. MACKEY: When Kyle yelled at Miss Crabtree, she didn�t know how to respond, mmkay? No one had ever stood up to her before and she didn�t know how to cope with it, mmkay? So, she retreated back into her own mind to escape the defeat she felt, mmkay?
CARTMAN: What the Hell does that mean!?
MR. MACKEY: It means that Miss Crabtree is just a scared little girl inside, Eric, mmkay?
CARTMAN: Buh, wuh, huh! What a bunch of tree-huggin� hippie crap!
[Cartman gets up and walks over to Miss Crabtree. He gets right up in her face.]
CARTMAN: (Screaming.) Ay! You wake your bitch ass up and drive us to school again, Goddammit! Ah don� wanna hafta go ta school in the middle of July!
[Cartman turns around, facing away from Miss Crabtree.]
CARTMAN: Damn! Ah guess she really is...
MISS CRABTREE: Aaaaaahhhhh!
CARTMAN: Aaaaaaaahhhhhh!
[Cartman runs and hides behind Chef.]
STAN: Dude! What was that!?
MR. MACKEY: Oh, she does that sometimes, mmkay? The Miss Crabtree we know is still in there somewhere and she�s trying to get back out, mmkay?
KYLE: So, how are we going to get the old Miss Crabtree back?
CHEF: I�ve got it! If we put her on the bus and show her that the children don�t always fight back, she might remember the way things used to be and be herself again!
MR. MACKEY: That�s pretty good thinking, Chef, mmkay? How did you come up with that idea?
CHEF: Well, I did take that one psychology class in college and I watch �Frasier� every Thursday.
MR. MACKEY: Well, then you should be the school counselor instead of me, mmkay? All I�ve got is this silly degree from Harvard, mmkay?
CHEF: No, cooking is my life.
[Ext. view, the bus. Mr. Mackey, Miss Crabtree, Chef, and Mr. Garrison�s entire class are there.]
TWEEK: Aaaahhh! You guys...erk...promise?
STAN: Yeah, Tweek after we�re done with this, we�ll get you some coffee.
[Mr. Mackey removes Miss Crabtree�s straight jacket.]
MR. MACKEY: Mmkay. Now the first thing we have to do is put Miss Crabtree on the bus, mmkay?
[Chef and Mr. Mackey put Miss Crabtree in the driver�s seat of the bus.]
CHEF: OK! Now all you children get on the bus and we�ll go.
MR. MACKEY: Wait, Chef! I think Miss Crabtree should tell them to get on the bus, mmkay? Miss Crabtree, could you tell the children to get on the bus?
MISS CRABTREE: (With no emotion.) Get...on...k-kids. We...we�re run...running...l-late. Aaaaahhh.
[The kids all get on the bus and take their seats. Stan stops to say hello to Miss Crabtree.]
STAN: Good morning, Miss Crabtree!
MISS CRABTREE: Hat...green...yelled...
STAN: Yeah, whatever, ya cheap bitch.
MISS CRABTREE: W-what did you say!?
STAN: I said I like Cheap Trick!
MISS CRABTREE: (With no emotion.) Oh.
MR. MACKEY: Do you know what this means, Chef?
CHEF: We�ve made a breakthrough!
MR. MACKEY: That�s right, mmkay!
[Stan takes his seat.]
KYLE: Dude! Nice job!
MR. MACKEY: Mmkay, Miss Crabtree? We need you to start the bus now, mmkay?
[Miss Crabtree slowly reaches for the keys and starts the bus up.]
MR. MACKEY: Very good. Now, we need to move the bus, mmkay?
MISS CRABTREE: Green...bunny...S-sit down! Aaaaahhhh!
[Mr. Mackey and Chef sit down very fast.]
MR. MACKEY AND CHEF: Yes, ma�am!
MR. MACKEY: Mmkay?
[The bus starts to slowly move down the street.]
CARTMAN: Goddamn, this sucks ass! Why can�t we go any faster, dammit!?
KYLE: Dude! I think we are going faster!
[Shot of outside the window. The background is starting to move faster and faster until it�s just a blur. Kids are being thrown to the back of the bus by the G forces. Pip goes flying out the back window.]
PIP: (Voice fading away.) Oooooohhhhh, mmmmmyyyyyy goooddnneessss.....
STAN: Oh, my God! They�ve killed Pip!
KYLE: So?
STAN: I don�t know. I�m just saying is all.
MR. MACKEY: We�ve got to slow down, mmkay? or we�re all going to die, mmkay?
CHEF: What are we going to do, Mr. Mackey?
MR. MACKEY: I don�t know, mmkay? We just might have to die with dignity, mmkay?
CHEF: Mmkay.
MR. MACKEY: Mmkay.
STAN: Dude, Cartman! Try throwing a Snacky Cake at her!
CARTMAN: No f*ckin� way, asshole! Ah ain�t wastin� no Goddamn Snacky Cake just so Ah can live longer!
KYLE: Goddammit, Cartman! If you don�t throw that Snacky Cake at Miss Crabtree, we�re all going to die and you won�t ever be able to have another Snacky Cake again!
CARTMAN: *GULP* E-ever?
KYLE: Ever.
CARTMAN: Well, f*ck that! This is for tryin� to rob me of a life filled with Snacky Cakes, you bitch!
[Cartman launches a Snacky Cake toward the front of the bus. However, the G forces are so strong that the Snacky Cake stops halfway from the front of the bus and comes back towards Cartman.]
CARTMAN: What the!?
[The Snacky Cake hits Cartman in the face and splatters everywhere.]
STAN: Oh, sh*t!
KYLE: Well, I guess this is it. We�re going to die.
CARTMAN: No no no no no no! Ah have said it before and Ah will say it again: Ah am not gonna dah with you assholes!
[Cartman starts crying.]
KENNY: Mnmmn mmnnmmm nmmnmmmnmmn mnmmnm!
[Stan, Kyle, and Kenny laugh.]
CARTMAN: You bastards...*sniff*...are you made of stone?
MR. MACKEY: Her foot is to the floor, mmkay?
CHEF: If we can just find a way to make her come out of her coma and step on the brake!
[Close up shot of Kenny.]
KENNY: Mnmm. Mmnn mmnmnm.
STAN: What!?
KYLE: No, Kenny, you�ll be killed!
KENNY: Mn mmnmnnmmn mmnmmmmn mnm mnmnmmn.
STAN: Good point.
KYLE: Totally.
[Kenny steps out into the aisle and slowly makes his way up to the front of the bus, dodging flying kids and debris the entire way. He gets up to the driver�s seat and stops. Miss Crabtree turns and looks at him with a blank expression which quickly becomes her usual face.]
MISS CRABTREE: That�s it! I�m stoppin� this f*ckin� bus until you little bastards sit down!
[Miss Crabtree slams on the brakes. The bus screeches to a halt and Kenny goes flying through the windshield. He flies out some distance from the bus before hitting the road and skidding, leaving a large trail of blood and innards behind him, before he hits Stan�s Grampa�s wheelchair, knocking it over and throwing Grampa Marsh clear.]
[Int. view, the bus.]
STAN: (Pointing.) Oh, my God! They�ve killed Kenny!
KYLE: You bastards!
[Ext. view, South Park street.]
GRAMPA MARCH: Goddammit! I was so close!
[Int. view, the bus. Mr. Mackey gets up.]
MR. MACKEY: O, merciful day! How you have saved us, mmkay? We owe it all to that brave little Kenny who so valiantly gave his...
MISS CRABTREE: Sit down! Aaaaahhh!
[Mr. Mackey sits back down very quickly.]
[Ext. view, South Park street. The bus starts back down the road, running over Grampa Marsh�s wheelchair and what�s left of Kenny along the way.]
GRAMPA MARSH: Come back here and finish me, you pansy whore!
[Cut to commercial.]
[Ext. view, the bus stop. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman are there.]
STAN: You feeling OK today, Kyle?
KYLE: Yeah, I�m fine.
CARTMAN: Ah really don�t care if you�re all right just as long as you don�t go and turn Miss Crabtree into a vegetable again.
KYLE: Don�t worry, I won�t
[The slow piano music starts up.]
STAN: You know, I think I learned something yesterday.
KYLE: Really? What?
STAN: I learned that if you are ever sent back in time, you shouldn�t mess with anything because the slightest change could have drastic effects on the future.
KYLE: No, that�s �Back to the Future,� Dude.
STAN: Oh. Well, how about: there is always some good in even the most evil of people and that it�s really unfortunate that those people only realize that they are still partly good when they die.
CARTMAN: Nope. That�s �Return of the Jedi.�
STAN: Goddammit! How about: Godzilla sucked.
KYLE: Uh, Stan?
[The slow piano music comes to a screeching halt.]
STAN: Don�t tell me: Godzilla, right?
KYLE: Uh, yeah.
STAN: Dammit! Didn�t I learn anything yesterday?
CARTMAN: Well, Ah learned somethin� yesterday.
KYLE: Really? Who cares?
CARTMAN: You sons-of-bitches! Ah�ve got f*ckin� feelin�s too, Goddammit, and you will listen to what Ah learned!
STAN: (Mechanically.) Fine, Cartman, what did you learn?
[The slow piano music starts up again.]
CARTMAN: Ah learned that a life without Snacky Cakes is not a life worth livin� and that we must always be on guard and prepared to defend ourselves against anything that would seek to rob us of our Snacky Cake future.
STAN: That�s f*cking retarded!
CARTMAN: Ay! F*ck you! At least mah life doesn�t consist of eatin� Cheesy Poofs and Snacky Cakes all day!
STAN: Cartman! Your life does consist of eating Cheesy Poofs and Snacky Cakes all day!
CARTMAN: Yeah, but...um...but...uh...Kenny�s poor!
KYLE: That�s pretty f*cking cold, Cartman! Kenny�s dead, remember!?
CARTMAN: OK, well...uh...Kyle�s Jewish!
STAN: So?
CARTMAN: Goddammit! He�s Jewish and he�s all...Jewy.
STAN: That�s it. I�m walking to school.
KYLE: I�ll come with you.
[Stan and Kyle walk out of the scene.]
CARTMAN: Sweet!
[Cartman takes off his coat to reveal that he is wearing the �German Danse� costume. He starts doing the �German Danse.�]
CARTMAN: Ah will do the German Danse for you, the German Danse for you...
[The bus pulls up the stop. The door and windows open and everybody on the bus starts laughing at Cartman.]
CARTMAN: This is so f*ckin� weak.
[End song and credits.]
In article , [email] wrote:
Yeah, those are totally swee'... do you ever write non-fanfic stories?
I've got an original thing I'm working on right now along with some ideas for a few more fanfics. I only write comedy, though. If I try to get serious or dark, my stuff completely sucks.
Mr. Dead
"Mr. Dead: Making the world safe for those who aren't living!"
In article , [email] wrote:
I;ve got a story going at www.thedude.com/hoggit.htm. You might consider checking it out, particularly if you;ve ever read The Hobbit or Bored of the Rings.
(My keyboard is gibbled for the moment. That;s why I;m using ;s instead of apostrophes -- I have no choice.)
On Mon, 01 Mar 1999 16:00:39 -0800, [email] (Martin Hazelbower) wrote:
I went to the hoggit page but it doesn't exist?!?
Bill The Great NOT SCOT of Sarcastica, Green Chocolate Maker to the Goddess AFR God of Geeks Campmaster at Camp Middle-of-f'in Nowhere! Maintainer of the AFR Picture Gallery West! Authentic, Bonafide, Certifiable ;-) Ren-Geek! I am the Weasel, koo koo ka chu! Webgeek at http://www.billzhouse.com Janitor at The Southpark Mall Keeper of the Sacred Cheesy Poofs of Eire! And no, I'm not happy to see you... it's my sword! Member International Webmasters Association and HTML Writers Guild
My father always used to say, If you don't have anything nice to say, then shut the f*&$ up you worthless, no good, sack of sh*#!
"Anyone can post messages to the net. Practically everyone does. The resulting cacophony drowns out serious discussion. Online debates of tough issues are often polarized by messages taking extreme positions. It's a great medium for trivia and hobbies, but not the place for reasoned, reflective judgment. Surprisingly often, discussions degenerate into acrimony, insults, and flames." --Clifford Stoll
"We sure liberated the hell out of this place." - U.S. Army private, France 1944
In article , [email] (Martin Hazelbower) wrote:
ideas for
serious or
Sorry... it;s thedude.webjump.com/hoggit.htm. I guess I was hallucinating that I could afford a domain name :)
(My keyboard is gibbled for the moment. That;s why I;m using ;s instead of apostrophes -- I have no choice.)
In article , [email] (Martin Hazelbower) wrote:
You've been smoking that Hoggit weed again, haven't you? Pass it this way! <g>
Or are you just hallucinating the ";"? ;)
As the last cliffhanging episode of alt.tv.southpark came to an end, "Mr. Dead" wrote:
May I post them on billzhouse?
BitchMom WebMistress of Billzhouse.com Founder of #alt.tv.southpark ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ For all your SouthPark needs visit http://www.billzhouse.com ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ Visit #alt.tv.southpark on Dalnet Point your java enabled browser to: http://www.members.tripod.com/TheSilverRaven/sp_chat.htm Or connect with mIRC or pIRCh, choose IRC Network Dalnet When you get connected, type in /join #alt.tv.southpark *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* remove MY to email me
You have my complete blessings, BitchMom. Just post them under my real name: Chris Anderson.
Mr. Dead
"Mr. Dead: Making the world safe for those who aren't living!"