Kenny's Thankful for Giving by the_davester
Here it is, just in time for the holidays. Enjoy! I'd like to hear some feedback, too.
---------- Bus Stop, before intro ----------
(Our four favorite scamps are standing around, waiting for the bus
as usual)
Stan: So, what are you guys gonna do for Thanksgiving?
Kyle: We're going to Israel, to visit some relatives.
Cartman: Heh, have luck fighting all the bulls that run loose on the
streets there.
Kyle: There aren't any bulls running loose in Israel!!!
Stan: Cartman, you don't know what the hell you're talking about, do
you?
Cartman: No, but I do it with style, you butthole!
Kyle: What're you doing for thanksgiving, Stan?
Stan: Well, we're just staying home. But my grandparents are visiting.
Cartman: That's always nice. Ha! Grandparents! What about you, Kenny?
Kenny: {Well, we're gonna go digging through people's trash the day
after Thanksgiving, then have a big meal!}
Cartman: HAA HAA HAA HAAA!!! All of your Thanksgivingses [sic] SUCK ASS!
Stan: So what're you gonna do for Thanksgiving, fatass?!
Cartman: We're gonna have a *hell* of a Thanksgiving feast, and I'm gonna
eat an entire turkey!(From somewhere, there is an ominous laughter)
Stan: Why do I *not* think that was a good sign?
[Intro]
---------- Mephesto's Lab ----------
Mephesto: Okay, Kevin! The PersonalitySwitcher 5000 (tm) is ready for a test
drive. So we're gonna test it out by switching you into my body and
me into your body, okay?
Kevin: (stares blankly)
Mephesto: Kevin?... Kevin?... you didn't have a seizure again, did you?
Kevin: -
Mephesto: Oh, yeah. I keep forgetting that you can't talk. I'm gonna have to
start talking to my hand again.
(He grabs a marker and makes a face on his hand)
Mephesto: Soon, we will rule the world! BWA HA HA HA.
His hand: I'm hungry!---------- Mr. Garrison's Room ----------
Mr. Garrison: So, does anybody know what happened *after* the Pilgrims used the
Trojan Turkey to sneak into the Indian Town?
Wendy: Mr. Garrison, that's not how it happened!
Mr. Garrison: Of course it is! You little weirdo, why the hell else do you think
we celebrate Thanksgiving?! Huh?! Because the Indians helped us?!
Huh?! HUH?!!!! (pause) Now then, we began celebrating Thanksgiving
in 1492, a half-century after the United States were founded
because
of their civil war with Germany. (continues on)
Stan: So, Kyle, when are you leaving for Israel?
Kyle: Uh, tomorrow.
Stan: Man, Thanksgiving just won't be the same without you.
Cartman: Yeah, we'll have only one person that's bitching. Kenny just won't be
able to fill your shoes.
Kenny: {shut your f*cking mouth, fatass.}
Mr. Garrison: It was then, in 1962, that the Great Wall of China was built by a
bunch of Chinese hippies, and then (contiunes)
Kyle: Don't worry, I'll send you all postcards. Except fatass. And I can't send
any to you, Kenny, because you can't afford a mailbox.
Kenny: {Yeah. I know.}
Cartman: If you were to send it C.O.D. it would put Kenny's family into a decade
of debt! Ha ha ha!
Kenny: {Shut up, Cartman! Is there anybody you don't hate?!}
Cartman: Not really.---------- Mephesto's Lab ---------- Mephesto: C'mon, Kevin. Get in the machine! C'mon! Kevin (with crossed arms): - Mephesto: (picks up Kevin and throws him into the machine) this'll show you, you disobediant freak! (Mephesto gets into the machine, and types a few numbers. He closes the door. The machine beings making standard "machine warm-up" noises. A countdown begins, from 20. At 10, a 4-assed monkey breaks out of his cage and begins hitting buttons on the console) Countdown: 3... 2... 1.... 0... (A large, blue laser ray shoots from the machine and out of Mephesto's house)
--------- QUICK SHOT: Mr. Garrison's Room ---------- Mr. Garrison: And then, in 1987, the Magna Carta was signed, which- (The laser burts through a window and hits Cartman. It bounces off of him and hits Kenny.)
[NOTE: From now on, Cartman is Kenny and Kenny is Cartman. So when I have Kenny say something, he will really be in Cartman's body]
Cartman (in Kenny's body): {Uggg.... what happened?}
---------- RETURN TO MEPHESTO'S LAB ---------- (Mephesto emerges from the machine) Mephesto: What the hell? Why am I not switched with Kevin? Kevin: (shrugs)
[Commercial]
---------- Mr. Garrison's Room ----------
(Mr. Garrison is still speaking in the background, oblivious to all)
Stan: Dude, what the hell was that blue flash?
Kenny: And why the f<bleep> do I feel so heavy? And why the f<bleep> are
all of my f<bleep>s f<bleep>ing bleeped out?!
Cartman: {Whoa, dude! Why the hell am I in this parka?!}
Stan: Dude! What the hell are you two talking about? Have you guys been
smoking cow crap?
Cartman: {What the hell?! Hippies suck!}
Kenny: I'm in fatass's body! This sucks!
Stan: You guys, ha ha. Very funny. Now be quiet! I want to learn how the
actor that
played Floyd the Barber discovered America!
Cartman: {I heard Barney tied him to the chair!}
Kyle: Now I know they're definately on something!
Stan: No, they're just acting weird.
Mr. Garrison: So he sensed others in the room, and fled. And that's how
Floyd the
Barber discovered America.[AUTHOR'S NOTE: Cookies to whoever can name that obscure song reference.]
---------- After School, on the bus ----------
Kenny: I'm telling you guys, Cartman and I switched places!
Cartman: {Yeah, and now I'm stuck in some sh*tty parka!}
Kenny: And that's another thing! I wanna be able to say s<bleep> and
f<bleep> without
these *GODDAMN BLEEPS!*
Ms. Crabtree: Shut UUUUUUUUUUP, Cartman!!!!
Kenny and Cartman: Screw you!
Ms. Crabtree: WHAT DID YOU SAY?!!!!
Kenny: I said, uh, "too true!"
Stan: You guys, this act is just going on too long.
Cartman: {I know what, Kenny. we can go to our own houses. Surely our
parents will
believe us!}
Kenny: You're right. But we're gonna hafta have a truce.
Cartman: {Truce it is.}
Kenny: Maybe I'll f{bleep> your mom, too.---------- Bus Stop ---------- Kenny: So it's settled. I go to my house, you go to yours. Cartman: {So I go to your house.} Kenny: No, dumbass! I go to your house, and you go to- wait a minute! Dammit! Cartman: {So you go to my house, and Stan goes to your house, and-} Kenny: No! We both go to our own houses. Cartman: {But I'm you and you're me, and-} Kyle (singing): We're a happy fam-il-ly!
(Everybody gives Kyle a blank stare)
Kyle: I just, thought, heh, heh,... uh... time! Oh, look! It's time to go! (Kyle leaves in a hurry)
Stan: What was *that* all about? Kenny: Okay, Cartman. I am really Kenny, right? Cartman: {But in mah body.} Kenny: Right. And you're really Cartman, right? Cartman: {But in mah body?} Kenny: No, you <bleep>ucking dumass! Cartman: {How about this? I just to my own house, and you go to yours, alright?}
(Kenny slaps his forhead)
Stan: Okay, I'm going home, this is *too* weird. You guys must be smoking Chef's salisbury steak or something. (Stan exits, stage right)
Kenny: So let's go. Cartman: I'll go to your house, right?
(Kenny glares at Cartman)
---------- Mepheto's Lab ---------- Mephesto: Okay, so somebody else must have been shrunk, right? His Hand: I guess so. Mephesto: So we have to find them, right, Billy. His Hand: I though my name was Fred. Mephesto: Whatever. So we have to find them, okay, Jimmy? His Hand: Fred. Mephesto: Whatever.
---------- Cartman's House ---------- (Cartman (remember, he's in Kenny's body) walks up and opens the door, barging right in) Cartman: {Hey, mah. I'm home for Thanksgiving!} Ms. Cartman: But aren't you my little Eric's friend? Cartman: No, mah. I'm Eric. I was just switched with Kenny's body! Ms. Cartman: But you're Kenny. I think I'll call Mrs. McCormick right now. Cartman: {But mahhhh... <Starts that annoying whining>!!!} Ms. Cartman: Well, you certainley whine like little Eric.
(She picks up the phone and dials Mrs. McCormick. The screen splits into half)
Mrs. McCormick: Hello? Ms. Cartman: Hello. Did my little Eric happen to drop by? Because your son, Kenny is here. Mrs. McCormick: Would that be the fat, greedy child? Ms. Cartman: Yes, that would be him. Mrs. McCormick: Yeah, he came here, saying he was my Kenny. Ms. Cartman: Okay then, I'll drive him over and come pick up my honneybun. Mrs. McCormick: That's good, because our Model T is kind of broken down right now.
Cartman: {Mah, lemme talk to Ke- uh, I mean, Cartman.} Ms. Cartman: Just a second, Kenny wants to talk to my little Eric. Mrs. McCormick (away from phone, yelling): Hey, greedy kid! My Kenny wants to talk to ya! (Kenny comes down the stairs and picks up the phone) Kenny: Hello? Cartman: {Hey, Kenny. It didn't work.} Kenny: Oh, too bad. Cartman: {My mah is taking me there now. She'll pick you up.} Kenny: OK.
(They both hang up.)
[Commercial]
---------- Outside Kenny's House ---------- (Mrs. Cartman's car drives up, and she and Cartman (still in Kenny's body) get out. They walk up to the door and Mrs. McCormick is fixing it)
Mrs. McCormick: Here's your fata- I mean, Eric. Ms. Cartman: And here's Kenny. (Ms. Cartman turns around with Kenny and leaves) Mrs. McCormick (to Cartman): Don't you ever pull a stunt like that again, Kenneth! Cartman: {bitch.}
---------- Kyle's House, at night ----------
(Kyle is lugging a huge suitcase down the stairs)
Kyle: Mom, I can't close my suitcase, so I tied it together with ropes. Are
we gonna
leave now?
Mrs. Broslofski: No, not now, bubbala.
Kyle: When, then?
Mrs. Broslofski: Never, dear.
Kyle: But-
Mrs. Broslofski: Ike has developed a fever.
Kyle: But I wanna go to Israel!
Mrs. Broslofski: Too bad. Ike's sick, so we're staying home. Now take the
suitcase
back upstairs!(Kyle begins lugging the suitcase up the stairs) Kyle (quietly): Goddamn baby. Mrs. Broslofski: What what what?!
---------- Outside Cartman's House ---------- (It is night. The sun rises quickly, like in Summer Sucks, and a turkey gobbles. This sound is followed by the swing and connection of a axe to a turkey's neck)
Ms. Cartman: Get up, dear! It's time for Thanks-a-giving!
(Kenny comes down the stairs)
Kenny: Man, that was the best f<bleep>ing night's sleep I ever had.
(He sees the food, and his eyes light up. He makes a mad dash and starts gobbling it down)
Ms. Cartman: Now eat slowly, or you'll choke like that time you tried to eat that 5-pound easter egg. Kenny: Shut up, bitch. Ms. Cartman: OK.
---------- Kenny's House ----------
(Cartman comes down the stairs)
Cartman: {Man, that is the worst night's sleep I ever had. You people need
a roof, it
snowed last night! (notices there's no big feast on the table)
Hey! Where the
hell's the goddamn food?}
Mrs. McCormick: This is our feast, Kenny.
Cartman: {What? A Thanksgiving with no turkey? This sucks!}
Mr. McCormick: Well, we have some trash dumpings from the KFC. Chicken is
almost turkey.
Cartman: {Screw this!}(He goes outside.)
Cartman: I'm hitching a ride outta this dump!
(He walks into the middle of a street and sticks out his thumb. As he waves it, a car comes outta nowhere and smashes him)
---------- QUICK SHOT: Stan's House ---------- (they are seated around a table and a turkey) Stan: Oh my god! They killed Kenny! Shelly: That's not how you say Grace, you dumbass!
---------- QUICK SHOT: Kyle's House --------- (Same scene. Kyle et all are sitting around a table of food) Mr. Broslofski: <says some Hebrew prayers> Kyle (suddenly realizing something): You bastards! Mr. Broslofski: Hey, it's not a good idea to insult God, okay?
---------- Cartman's House ---------- (Kenny, looking bloated, grabs a turkey and heads upstairs. He puts it in Cartman's room, and realizes he's forgotten a knife. He comes down the stairs, gets one, and makes it halfway up the stairs)
Mrs. Cartman: Eric, dear, don't forget your napkinny-kin! Kenny: <grunbles>
(Kenny gets 3/4 of the way down the stairs, trips, and the knife he was carrying stabs all the way through him)
---------- QUICK SHOT: Stan's House ---------- (they are seated around a table and a turkey) Stan: Oh my god! They killed Cartman! Shelly: Dammit, brat! You say 'yes I would like some turkey' when gramma asks you!
---------- QUICK SHOT: Kyle's House --------- (Same scene. Kyle et all are sitting around a table of food) Kyle (suddenly realizing something): You- oh, it was Cartman? eh. Mrs. Broslofski: Would you not talk about your bastard friend at turkey dinner?
---------- Heaven ----------- (Cartman and Kenny are sitting there, in their own 'bodies') Angel: OK, then. Because of the mix-up in bodies, you may both go back. Cartman: back? Angel: Yeah, back to the world of the living. In your own bodies. Cartman: Sweeeet.
(A blue zap surrounds them, and they are zapped to...)
---------- The Bus Stop --------- Stan: Man, it sucks being here alone.
(Kyle walks up) Kyle: Hey, dude. Stan: Kyle? What are you doing here? Kyle: Ike got sick, so we had to stay home. Stan: It sucks without Cartman or Kenny. Too bad they're dead.
(Kenny and Cartman zap in)
Stan: Whoa! It's the ghost of Cartman! Cartman: Ay! Stan: You were alive, and then dead! How could that be? Kenny: {What about me?!} Stan: What do you mean? You were never dead. Kenny: (Gets a pissed look) Cartman: I dunno, I just came back. Stan: Oh.
(Short pause, then cue the cheesy music)
Cartman: You know, guys. I've learned something today. Kyle: Yeah? Cartman: I learned... it sucks to be Kenny. Kenny: {Shut your f*cking hole, fatass.}
[credits] ---------- Credits, and there's action during them, too ---------- ---------- Mr. Garrison's Room ---------- Mr. Garrison: I hope you liked the long weekend. Class: <groans> Mr. Garrison: Now, who did their homework?
(Nobody raises their hands)
Mr. Garrison: OK, Cartman, you go.
(Cartman comes up the the board)
Cartman: I am most thankful for the I Love Lucy Show.
(The class laughs)
Cartman: Ay! Screw you bastards!
Mr. Garrison: OK, Cartman. You get an F-minus, or a -5%.
Cartman: Can he do that?
Mr. Garrison: OK, Kenny, you go.
(Kenny walks up to the board) Kenny: {I am thankful for the April issue of Playboy. And the fact that when Cartman's mom was screwing that guy, she kept her door closed.} Cartman: Ay, shut up! (Class laughs)
THE END. The braniff airplane video is replaced by a shot of the four scamps, and 'Happy Thanksgiving' is superimposed over them.
******************************
Well, how was it? An okey-dokey Thanksgiving?
the_davester