I will never, ever, ever go near anything military ever again in any of my lives. Number one: the battle was pure chaos. Number two: it was fucking scary. Before long, I wasn't even trying to attack anyone, I was just deflecting the swords pointed at me, attempting to inflict harm, and hoping I didn't accidentally hurt someone on my side. Soon after that, I just wanted out. I had just managed to kill some guy and was staggering back, when someone bumped into me from behind. Dead people seem to have amazing reflexes once they're up and moving and thinking, as I suddenly found myself facing the other direction without any memory of actually turning. Lenni was standing there, looking as surprised as I felt. "Great fun, huh?" she asked me, sarcasm practically pooling around her feet. "Barrels," I responded, with about the same amout of sarcasm. "How do we get out of here?" "I don't know that we *should*...in a world like this, I don't think I want to see what they do to deserters." "Well, whatever they do to us, we can take it. We're both imm--huhhh!!" That last sound was me gasping in pain. I'll never know how that archer managed to get such a good shot at me through the chaos, but not only did he hit me, he hit my heart. From behind. I fell forward, and found myself slipping into that peaceful state of mind I only achieve when I'm just about to die. I stayed that way for some time before I realized two things. One: I wasn't even unconscious. Two: The arrow wound didn't hurt anymore. Confused, I got to my feet. "What the fuck?" I asked, looking down at my chest. Oh yes, the arrow was still definitely there. "I was right," Lenni said somewhat smugly. "Since you're already dead, you can't be killed." I reached behind me and pulled the arrow out of my back. "There goes any possibility of dying and resurrecting in South Park." "Well, yeah, that would be the downside." The chaos of the rest of the battle decided, at that moment, to get between us. Sighing, I turned around and saw a teen-looking dude standing there, looking like he wasn't sure whether attacking me was a good idea. I realized he was probably staring at my open wound. I waffled between messing with his mind a little and getting the hell out while I could, and chose getting out. Somehow I managed to get through the melee and out into halfway fresh air. I was nowhere near unscathed - aside from the first wound, I had somehow gotten a bad cut on one arm, had arrows stuck in both arms, *and* I had been shot again in the back, several times. Under normal circumstances, I would've been rat food at about that moment, but now I was just pissed off and afraid. I looked around, wondering where Lenni was. As much as I hated the thought of going back into the fray, there was no way I was leaving my girlfriend in there. I sighed and made my decision, heading back into the battle. Pushing through the melee, I suddenly tripped on something. Swearing loudly, I got to my feet and turned around to see what I had tripped over. If my heart had actually been functional at the moment, it would have come close to stopping. It was Lenni. Lying limp on the ground. Arrow sticking out of her head. I couldn't help it - I screamed. This was the second time I had seen her dead in a fight. I had a sudden flashback of the last time - the gunfight, the shot, seeing her fall... Reminding myself firmly that Lenni was immortal too, I picked up her body and began to carry her out of the battle zone. Maybe it's a little weird that a known immortal kid, who knows death like the back of his hand, is mourning for another known immortal, but hey, she's my girlfriend. That's fair mourning grounds, I think. After struggling through the crowd yet again, I made all due haste to get the hell away from the battle. Spotting a cave in a conveniently nearby cliffside, I headed towards it. "You can put me down now," a voice said. I stopped dead in my tracks, no pun intended. In shock, I looked down. Lenni's eyes were open, and she was looking back up at me. "I said, you can put me down now," she repeated. "I'm okay." Stunned, I set her down on her feet. "But--how can you--" She smirked. "After harping on you for not noticing that you weren't breathing, it's just dumb that I was just as unobservant." I was very stupid at the moment, due to shock, and didn't catch what she meant. "Huh?" "I'll explain in that cave," she said, heading off in that direction. I followed. Moments later, we were both sitting in the cave. I still couldn't figure out why Lenni was alive, when she really should be dead. Not that I wasn't glad she wasn't dead... "Lenni, how the fuck can you be alive?" I asked her. "Simple," she said, pulling the arrow out of her head. "I'm not." "Wha?" "I'm in the same situation as you. Physically dead, but talking, thinking, and moving. I was faking it, after I figured it out, so they might leave me alone, so I could get out." I could have sworn I heard a click as that info registered. "Oh!" "So. This is my second death, and your...twenty billionth?" "Hey, let's not have a 'Pick on Kenny' day, mmkay? Just because I die a lot... And anyway, I don't think this counts as a death for either of us." She glanced at me in confusion. "But we're--" "First off, nothing clearly killed us. Second off, screw the symptoms. In my book, you're not dead if you're thinking and talking." "Oh," she said vaguely, then eyed my collection of wounds. "Want me to pull those arrows out for you?" "Yeah, if you'd be so kind." I turned around so she could pull out the arrows - for some reason, only the very very tips of the arrows came out the other side. Lenni tugged at one of them, and the arrow caught. "Aaaaaahh!....Lenni, stoppullingstoppullingstoppulling!! It's barbed!" Lenni stopped. "Shit," she muttered. "Okay, let me try this..." She snapped off the fletched end of the arrow, then gave the same treatment to all the other arrows. She then pushed one until it stuck out a good four inches from my chest. "Okay, now pull that out the rest of the way." I did that. "Are we going to have to do this for all the rest of them?" I asked. "Unless you want me to try to *pull* a barbed arrow out." "No!" - The battle seemed to end, or at least pause momentarily, at night. Weirdly enough, the sky cleared, too, showing the starriest sky I had ever seen. For all the fighting that went on during the day, the place was actually pretty beautiful at night. Lonely, but beautiful. "Lot of stars," Lenni commented. "Yeah," I agreed distractedly. "Okay, what's the problem?" Lenni asked, my mood probably blipping her radar like crazy. "Nothing, I'm just thinking," I said. "About--" "Death?" Lenni guessed. "Yeah. Childhood is supposed to be the happiest time of someone's life - and here I am, an eight-year-old from a poor family, dying every week. And both of us are stranded in a strange world, with no idea how we got here, or how to get back." I sighed. "Plus, I was picked to work undercover in the Underground - I think the only thing I really liked about that was that I met you. And *then* I had to watch you die." I shuddered at the memory. "It nearly drove me crazy, seeing you die in my arms...I thought you wouldn't come back, I thought I'd only be able to see you when I died..." I was working myself into a depression. Lenni reached over and held my hand. "Come on, Kenny. Even though we're dead, we need to get some sleep, and you need to get your mind off that stuff." - Battles popped up again all over the place practically as soon as the sun rose. The clouds moved in again, too. This was one hell of a gloomy world during the day. "How do we get out of here?" I wondered aloud. "Don't look at me, I don't know how," Lenni answered. "I'm just hoping nobody decides to pull us into battle." We wandered on in silence for a little while, until a familiar voice spoke from behind me. "Long time no see, Kenny," the voice said. I turned around, and each and every suspicion was confirmed. Leaning casually against a large rock, wearing an orange parka exactly like mine except for the small detail that the hood was down, was Kendra. "Hey, Kendra!" I greeted. "Who're you?" Lenni asked of Kendra before she could answer me. "Her name's Kendra," I supplied. "Yeah," Kendra confirmed. "I figured as much," Lenni said. She looked between the two of us. "Wait, you two know each other?" Kendra giggled. "We used to *be* each other." Lenni looked absolutely lost. "Huh?" "It's one of those things I never told you, Lenni. I used to have a second personality, who was basically a female me. We hated each other, and argued a lot, but she never really did anything. Well, one day, she figured it would be a good idea to take over our body - the side effect was, the body turned female as long as she was using it." I heard Kendra suppressing wild snickers, but ignored her. "She took the hood off and kept it off, making everyone think she was the real me, so I retaliated, bla bla bla yada yada yada. Eventually, we got split apart, and I got the worst of it and ended up dying." "And I, the second personality in case you didn't gather that, was right there for him as he died," Kendra piped up. "See, we only hated each other because we both wanted control of our body. When we got split, we--" "Didn't need to fight for control anymore, so you stopped hating each other," Lenni finished. Kendra looked surprised that Lenni had completed her sentence for her - I decided that I would have to explain Lenni's quirks and qualities to Kendra later. "Yeah," she said flatly. "Listen, I think I might know a way for us all to get out of here." I decided that it was a good thing I was already dead, because that statement alone would have given me a heart attack. "You do??" "Yeah," Kendra said, an impish grin all over her face. "Tell us," Lenni demanded. "You might say we're dying to know." I groaned inwardly. Puns aren't Lenni's strong suit. "Welll," Kendra drawled, "all you have to do is kiss." "Kiss?" I think Lenni and I said that one at the same time. "Yeah, kiss. Whassa matter, there a problem with kissing?" Kendra grinned. "No, no problem at all," Lenni assured, just as I started shaking my head violently at Kendra. Catching me way off guard, Lenni reached over, turned my head towards her, and kissed me. I will never, ever know how she managed to kiss me on the mouth *through my hood*, but she did. "Whoa, whoa, break it up, lovebirds," Kendra giggled. "I said kiss, not kiss, hug, and look like you want to fuck." Whoops. One thing about being a pervert - if you just talk about it in public, the most you'll get is weird looks; it's a whole other story if you're actually *doing* something. Lenni and I let go of each other and each took a step back, trying not to look too embarrassed. Then, I looked around. "Okay, Kendra, what's the story? How come we're not back in South Park?" Kendra burst out laughing. "Gullible, gullible, gullible! I just wanted to see you two kiss!" Even though I don't hate Kendra anymore, there's still times when I want to strangle her. In fact, Lenni actually had to hold me back to keep me away from Kendra's throat. "Kenny! Fuck, boy, calm down!" she growled at me, turning me around and gripping my shoulders so hard that there was no way I could have turned around - incidentally, Lenni's pretty strong, too. "So Kendra got us to kiss - she's the only one who was even looking in our direction! Everyone else is in the middle of a battle, and so far away anyway that they wouldn't be able to figure out what we were doing if we were fucking on a piano. Is this getting through that orange hood, or do I have to repeat it?" I took a deep breath (although obviously I didn't need air), calming myself down. It *was* pretty stupid of me to get mad over that. Hell, I was acting like Cartman. I was just about to apologize to Kendra, but I think she read my mind. "No, it's okay, that was a bit mean of me," she said, as if I had spoken. "Seriously, though, I might know someone in this world who might know how to get us out." "Really?" Lenni asked, beating me to it. The girls were doing a great job of reading my mind. "Yeah," Kendra nodded. "While you two were out fighting, I got to meet some non-soldier people. Follow me," she said, taking off in a direction. "Those people exist in this world?" I asked half-jokingly, following after her. "Obviously they do, because I met some," Kendra said. "Hey, how come you're here too?" Lenni said suddenly, confused. Kendra shrugged. "Apparently when Kenny got yanked in here, I got dragged along with him," she said. "Now, are we gonna talk, or get the hell out of here?" - I eyed the roomful of girls dubiously - and *no*, I was *not* having assorted dirty fantasies about any of them. I may be a pervert, but I've got a girlfriend, for chrissakes. That, and... "You're all from alt.tv.southpark?" "Yep," one girl answered me - I recognized her. "Every single one of us. I'm--" "Kim, and you're Lindsay," I said, directing that last at the girl next to Kim. "I remember you two - you put me through a lot of grief in Playing the Game of Revenge. I *don't*, however, recognize you two," I added, looking at the other two girls. The one on the far right seemed a bit familiar, but I couldn't place her. "Toni here," one of the two said. "My screen name is Kyle Broslofski, so just call me Kyle," the other one said. "That's it! I was wondering where I'd seen you before - The Kenny Mystery. Okay, my next question is - why the fuck are you all here?" "Take it up with 'Lyssie," Kim grinned. "Oh, we will," Lenni muttered darkly from beside me. "But that can wait," Kendra announced. "They're here because of Alyssa, we're here because of Alyssa, they know the way out, we don't." "Iiifff you don't trusssst us," Lindsay drawled, "we really don't have to help..." "We trust you! We trust you!" I yelped quickly. Don't look a gift newsgroup denizen in the mouth, I told myself, then entertained myself by twisting that image perversely before paying attention to the situation again. "Exactly what do we have to do?" Lenni was asking the alt.tv.southparkers. Toni looked around the room we were in. "I'm not sure - maybe we go troll hunting." "Nah, much as we'd all like to put roman down for good, troll hunting won't get the kids out of here," Kyle put in. Lindsay started to suggest something along the lines of "Kenny's revenge", but I gave her a poisonous glare and she shut up. "Push implement?" Kim joked. "Kim, this isn't the time to be making Creatures jokes," Lindsay said, nudging her friend. Kim tried her best to look hurt/innocent. "That wasn't a Creatures joke, that was a Creatures Two joke." "Look, you two," I said, voice dripping with sarcasm, "I would dearly love to sit here all week and watch you joke around, BUT I'D LIKE FOR THE THREE OF US TO GET HOME THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!" All six girls were startled by my outburst - yeah, six. Including Lenni and Kendra. "Okay, okay," Kim said. "We'll be serious." "Thank you, *very* much," I said. "What do we have to do? Do I have to take off my hood? Does Kendra have to put on hers? Both? Something else? Do we all have to die?" "None of the above," Kyle informed us. "What you have to do, is..."
Alyssa