YAY! Hello! My Chrimbo Fic! Posting it in one huge chunk instead of ikkle bits.
i would Like to mention that all qoutes are directed towards Cartman because, he sucks basicly.
"The Three Days Of Christmas In South Park!" ---------------------------------------------- "You know it's kind of hard Just to get along today Our subject isn't cool But he fakes it anyway He may not have a clue And he may not have style But everything he lacks Well he makes up in denial"
Classroom
Cartman: Hey homies, wassup? [he walks in and sits next to Sheila]
Kyle: Shut up Cartman.
Stan: Yeah, lardo.
Cartman: Screw you you crack smoking hippie types! Go back to washington and protest against wars!
Kyle: Shut up Cartman!
Cartman: Screw you! Lock your mom up for christmas asshole!
Kyle: DON'T WORRY, I WILL!
Cartman: N-oh, ok.
Kenny: [Yeah, Kyle. Your mom better not fuck up christmas for us again!]
Kyle: She wont alright!
Stan: She better not!
Todd: She wont what?
Stan: Last christmas, Kyle's mom screwed up christmas because it was too offensive for her. You see, she'a a jew.
Todd: Well duh.
Stan: And we had to get rid of everything, and I mean everything!
Todd: Even lights?!
Cartman: Yeah, dude. They offended epileptics!
Todd: That sucks! Christmas lights rule!
Later at Cartman's house, Sheila and Cartman are kissing under the mistletoe.
[Tv anchor: And now we go to an epileptic at the turning on of the christmas lights (Kenny chuckles.) Tim. (The veiw is empty. the mayor is in the background.) Uh, tim. Steve, is Tim there?
Steve: Uh, yeah. (Camera pans down to a convulsing tim.)
Tv anchor: OK, back to terrence and philip. [T+P intro.]
Terrence: Guess what I want for Christmas Philip!
Philip: What's that then!
Terrence: BAKED BEANS! [both laugh]
Philip: Guess what terrence.
Terrence: What?
Philip: [farts] that! Merry Christmas!
Terrence: [farts] AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
VO: We'll be right back with part seven of the T+P christmas special.]
Kyle: Terrence and philip kick ass!
Todd: Yeah! We had some lame-o program callled Beavis and Butt-head. It involved a hippy teacher going 'Mmm-kay' all the time and some teenagers saying that they rub their dicks in front of tv.
Cartman: It's called a fireman.
Sheila: Less talk. [they continue to kiss. a thought bubble apears over stan as he has a brief flash back to 'Ike's wee wee' when Mackay is fired and he becomes a hippy'
Spooky flashback thingy: Hey man, your like the government... [back to reality]
Stan: Whoa dude! It's that new Mr. Hankey kit I was talking about.
Kyle: Turn it up!
[kenny turns it up.]
TV: Guess what kids?!
Kid#1: What?
TV: Are you bored?
Kid#2: I've been bored since my daddy died.
TV: Uh, well, you've heard of dressing up mr. hanky, now, BREED MR. HANKY!
Kid #1&2: COOL!
TV: That's right kids. Pick your favourite Mr. Hanky and alter his genetic coding with the easy to use gamma-tron. [kids are using a nasty looking beam on a turd.]
Turd: HIDE-HO!
Kid #1: Thank's mom, you're even better than daddy's lady friend.
Tv: That's right kids, buy Mr. Hanky breeding set and you can take over the world! [a flag with a poo smear on it waves on screen.]
VO: Now back to terrence and philip!
Terrence: I'm staying up all night this year philip!
Philip: Why terrence?
Terrence: SO I can give santa claus a tulip!
Philip: You sick bastard! [both laugh histericly.]
Stan: hehehehe!
Todd: That kicked ass!
Kyle: Toldya! [cartman and sheila sit down.]
Cartman: Have I told you recently that i love you guys? [everyone looks at him.]
Cartman: Screw you guys.
Todd: Your pretty screwed Cartman.
Cartman: AY! Screw you you crack smoking hippie junkie turdy thing!
Kyle: Oh yeah, fatass and I thought shelia was fucked up!
Sheila: HEY! IT'S YOUR FAULT WE HAVE TO GO TO CANADA FOR CHRISTMAS!
Kyle: Huh?! THIS IS NEW TO ME!
Sheila: Well your mom and dad are taking us all to Ike's birthplace for christmas, and I MISS CARTMAN!
Stan: You're pretty screwed in the head.
Sheila: HEY! FUCK YOU!
Todd: Lads, lads, now now. [Cartman's watch goes off.]
Cartman: I gotta go for a few minutes gyus be back in T-minus fifty minutes.
Stan: What?!
Cartman: Er. nothing.
Setting: Messy Bedroom.
Me: OK, OK, I've decided to give a quick warning to all offensive launguage. It will probably invole the wordws 'fat' and 'fuck' towards certain persons. Ok, Cartman and Sheila.
Sheila: HEY! I OUGHTTA RAM SEVENTY TWO DOZEN PINWHEELS IN YOUR SCPHINTER!
Me: OK.what do you want?
Sheila: Equal rights for us fat kids!
Me: What, you want scales that go over twenty stone.
Sheila: AY!
Me: I was joking! [sheila advances] I was...honest!
Sheila: Then you better stop us from going to canada!
Me: What? Canada? I never though of that. You where going to go the the museum and have a christmas of learning. What's so bad about canada?
Sheila: Canadians! Well, if you didn't type it, who did?
Me: Maybe that person covered in a cloak typing onto my PC, laughing like that dude from psycho and scratching it's ass.
Sheila: Maybe. [Sheila and I walk over to the suspect.]
Me: Is there a reason why you're here?
Cloak person: Er, no. WHOOSH! I DISAPEAR! [she doesn't]
Me: UH, we're waiting. [suddenly, the lights go out and they come back on again and me and sheila are tied up]
Sheila: AY! WHAT THE FUCK!? I'LL CRAM THIRTY PINWHEELS UP YOUR ASS!
Cloak person: Puh-lease. Petty threats.
Me: What's going to happen to us?
Cloak person: Remember 'stumpy's spoof o rama'?
Me: Weak.
Cloak person: Now it's ---
VO: and now back to south park!
'He needs some cool tunes Not just any will suffice But they didn't have Ice Cube So he bought Vanilla Ice Now cruising in his Pinto, he sees homies as he pass But if he looks twice They're gonna kick his lily ass'
Cartman's lounge. The lights are out and cartman watches terrence and philip. He glances to his left then right to see if anyones there. He puts on a pair of pointy ears and Ms. Cartman looks round. She sees this and looks what he's watching on the tv.
Tv: Dammit Jim I'm a doctor not a genechologist!
Ms. Cartman: NO! IT CAN'T BE TRUE?!
Cartman: Mom?! [she faints. he runs over and wafts her face with the tray of cookies.]
Ms. Cartman: My worst nightmares have come true.
Cartman: What's that mom?
Ms. Cartman: My son is a.....TREKKIE! [passes out again.]
Cartman: AY! I HATE TREKKIES! I AM NOT A TREKKIE! [he wonders who's he shouting to] All I do is watch every epsiode of star trek over and over, I have a secret stash of stuff and-AGH! I AM A TREKKIE! [passes out next to his mother.]
Classroom
Mr. Garrison: And that class is why E.T was not real and why Steven Speilberg is a great man. [kyle sticks up hand]
Kyle: What's this to do with Religous education?
Mr. Garrison: E.T had is own religon. Why do you thin khe went NNNNNNEEEEEEEGGGGGGHHHHH all the time? He was praying.
Kyle: OK. Hey ,psst, Stan.
Stan: Yeah.
Kyle: Have you seen Kenny today?
Stan: No, dude. [kenny walks in with a kid in a black parka.
Kyle: Whoa, dude!
Kenny: [hey guys. meet my long lost estranged cousin, Steve.]
Todd: Steve? What the hell?
Steve: [I DIDN'T CHOOSE THIS! I AM UNDER CONTROL FROM-] [parka closes round his face. Sheila walks in in a pink dress and has pig tails.]
Sheila: Anyone say ANYTHING and I'll knock them from here to china.
Todd: Were's the pony? [his eyes grow to twice the size.] OK, forget I said that. [Sheila sits down.]
Mr. Garrison: OK, steve, how long will you be staying with us?
Steve: [Until I kick the living shit out of -] [parka closes] [MPPHMPMPHMHH!]
Sheila: Were's cartman? I've got to tell him that we're under control from [her pinwheels soar down her throat.]
Stan: Ah well, screwed up christmas again.
Clyde: Totally weak, dude.
Pip: Uh, Stan, old chum, would it be graciously rude if I was to ask if i was aloud to come you your turning on of Eric's christmas lights?
Stan: Yes.
Pip: Oh, ok.
Todd: Yeah, get lost frenchie.
Pip: I'm not french!
Todd: You wear that pooffy neck tie thingy, you must be french!
Pip: May I ask what's wrong with french people?
Todd: They take pills in their ass?! Why do you think they eat snails? Because they're smelly disgusting things? NO, because the shell is designed for easy insertion! Christ, you're such a prick!
Pip: I AM NOT A PRICK!
Todd: How do you confuse a lesbian?
Pip: How??
Todd: Log.
Pip: Huh? [stan, kyle, sheila, steve, kenny, todd and wendy all laugh] How do you confuse a lesbian then?
Mr. Garrison: Todd, is Pip distracting you?
Todd: Yes mister Garrison, he's telling me this dirty joke about lesbians.
Pip: WHAT THE FUCK!?
Mr. Garrison: Pip, do you need a T.O?
Pip: FUCK YOU! I'M NOT TAKING THIS SHIT ANYMORE! FOR FUCKS SAKE I AM *ENGLISH* NOT FRENCH! FRENCH PEOPLE SMELL! I DON'T SMELL!
Mr. Garrison: Sit the FUCK down Pip!
Pip: NO! I'M NOT BEING OPRESSED BY YOU COMMUNISTS BASTARDS ANYMORE! I'M GOING BACK TO THE MOTHERLAND!
Stan: Oh, prey tell where it is, Pip.
Pip: England! [storms out classroom.]
Clyde: I'm confused.
A therpy centre.
Cartman sits with his mother in the rehab room. Other cartoon characters sit with him. They're Scooby Doo and that shaggy guy, snoopy, Terrence, mickey mouse and donald duck. At the beginning of the circle, the counselor sits.
Shaggy: Hey Scoob, dig this crazy therpy group!
Scooby: Reah, hehehehehe!
Cartman: Mom, can you answer me a question.
Ms. Cartman: Sure, hon.
Cartman: Why the fuck am I here?
Ms. Cartman: Because you watch an old sci-fi program that's intended for fat balding people that sit around all day watching tv and cramming their faces with junk food. [a small lock of hair falls from cartman's head]
Mickey: Well shucks, what am i doing here? I'm perfectly sane.
Terrence: HEY SNOOPY! GUESS WHAT! I FARTED!
Snoopy: [plays a violin.]
Donald: [makes that funny duck moise which is impossible to type]
Counselor: Hello group. [waits for a reply.] OK, when I say: Hello Group. I want you to reply with: Hello Mrs. Maracana. Hello Group!
Group: Hello mrs. Maracana.
Maracana: OK, I want the group to start with donald and work it's way round to scooby. OK, donald, why are you here?
Donald: [duck noise. Spitting onto maracana.]
Mickey: I was told that I shouldn't hang around the playboy studios and take photos.
Terrence: My friend philip says I have a flatulence problem. [farts. cracks up into laughter and falls onto the floor]
Snoopy: [plays a violin.]
Shaggy: I continously eat and say: Hey Scoob! Dig that crazy fat kid!
Cartman: AY!
Scooby: I reed reech rerapy. Hehehehehe!
Cartam: I am here because my BITCH mother says that -
Ms. Cartman: By boy watches star trek and needs serious help. [everyone looks at him.]
Maracana: [tries to hold in laughter but cant. The entire group cracks up into laughter and fall onto the floor.]
Scooby: Rist! Ri roght rickey rouse ras rucked rup!
Mickey: Aw shucks but, HEY!
Donald: [duck laugh]
Snoopy: [a thought bubble apears above his head.] |Hmm, I have a weird affilation with a violin but I ain't as fucked up as these guys! I'm goin' home!| [he leaves]
Cartman: [hissy fit]
Maracana: OK, I admit that fatso has a problem, but we don't laugh at him.
Terrence: Is it illogical to fart? [they all begin to laugh again.]
Shaggy: Dammit Scoob! I'm a crazy digging kind of dude, not a doctor!
Mickey: I love you guys. [room falls instantly silent. Cartman laughs like a banshee.]
Cartman: He's-He's-He's a Ho-ho-Homo-Homo-hom-AHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Maracana: Being gay shouldn't be laughed at.
Scooby: Ro rou rink reed rook rood rin a rink ress? [they all fall about laughing. The counselor groans.]
Cafeteria: Next day.
Steve, Kenny, Todd, Cartman, Sheila, Stan and Kyle are all sitting at the table.
Todd: Hey Kyle, What are you getting for christmas. Oh, That's right! I forgot! You don't celebrate christmas!
Kyle: SCREW YOU!
Todd: I've had that bottled up for days!
Cartman: DO you get the first of eight parts of a dredel at hanukka?
Kyle: AT LEAST I'M GOING TO CANADA FOR CHRISTMAS! RIGHT SHEILA!
Sheila: Uh no. [still in pigtails] I'm staying. Your mom says I can stay at Cartman's for christmas so boo to you. Nyeah!
Kyle: What?! I want to stay!
Sheila: You can't.
Kyle: Why?
Sheila: I promised that go you'd and keep Ike out of trouble.
Kyle: What!
Stan: Oh, see you later. Hey Cartman, aren't you turning on your christmas lights tonight?
Cartman: Yeah, dudes. You can all come, well those that celebrate christmas.
Kyle: OK cartman, you win. I'll leave. [grabs tray and leaves. Sighs on way out.]
Cartman: I've got this weird feeling in my stomach. I think it's called guilt.
Kenny: [Nah, it's just overeating!]
Cartman: AY!
Kyle's room.
Kyle: Oh woe is me. Why can't I be accepted instead of shunned? So what if I wear a funny beeny thing and am the target of the klu klux klan. I want to be apprienciated instead of tortured. [sigh]
Ike: Cookershun!
Kyle: Hello, small Ike. You have it easy. You'll grow up without torture and hatred. [turn to Ike's perspective. Kyle's dressed up as a clown.]
Kyle/Clown: Blah blah blah blah blah Ike Blah Ike blah.
Ike: Yes my good man, I do believe that Einstein was a fool and that my new calculus will solve all his problems. See thus...[back to kyle's perspective]
Ike: Bebabo
Kyle: Yes Ike, I do believe that I will spend another christmas alone, and sad. [The infamous poo apears.]
Mr. Hanky: HIDEY HO!
Kyle: Oh, Hi Mr. Hanky.
Mr. Hanky: Gee, Kyle. You look sad. What has Cartman done now?
Kyle: Fatass? He's done nothing. It's just that I have to go to canada for christmas whilst Sheila stays here with Cartman and *I* have to keep Ike out of trouble, God, Life sucks!
Mr. Hanky: Well shucks Kyle, I really hope you get over your troubled period.
Kyle: Thanks Mr. Hanky. [the turd plants a shit kiss on his cheeck.]
Stumpy's Ex Bedroom.
The shadowy figure sits at my PC. Sheila and I walk in.
SHeila; OK asshole, we get the picture, I am *NOT* going to be a godamn priss for Christmas! Dammit! I'm Sheila Broslofski!
Me: [Yeah! I'm sick of playing a hooded figure called 'Steve'. Christ, what a gay name!]
S.F: What's wrong with steve?
Me: [pulls off hood.] It sucks ass! It's like asking 'What's wrong with Canada?'
S.F: What is wrong with canada?
Sheila: Canadians! Now you better send us back to were we belong, me with my pinwheels, Stumpy with his PC and you, which ever town you came from.
Me: SO I think I speak for Sheila and I when I say...FUCK OFF.
S.F: No. You must live out the torutre that you put me through.
Me: Huh?!
Cartman's House
Everyone stands outside his house.
Cartman: Ok, dudes. I'm going to let Sheila turn on the christmas lights this year! [cheers. Sheila walks up and presses on. A santa lights up on the roof and the windows are outlined in christmas lights.]
Stan: Dude, what's that? [he points to a glow over a hill.]
Wendy: I don't know, Stan. Shall we go look?
Stan: OK. [They walk off. They arrive at Todd's house.]
Wendy: Spin me on my ass and call me Charlie! [The house is completly outlined in lights. An automated Santa walks over to an onlooker and punches him. Todd runs out and tweaks a wire. He runs back in and more lights come on. On the roof, a group of reiender flash. Cartman, Sheila and Kenny run up.]
Stan: I'm sorry to say it Cartman, but yours bites this year!
Cartman: WHAT?! I always have the best partys, christmas lights and junk like that. Dammit, I'm pissed! [he walks up to the door. He knocks on it loudly. Todd appears.] GO TO HELL HIPPIE! [he punches him. Todd kicks him in the nuts and jumps onto him. He begins to punch his face. Sheila trys to pull him off.]
Todd: DIE YOU STUPID GODAMN SON OF A BITCH! AHGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! DIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIE!
Stan: Whoa, dude! [Kenny and Sheila pull him off.]
Kenny: [what is with this fucked up kid?!]
Todd: {calms] I tend to go a bit postal at times. The psychiratrist thinks it's because my great, great, greant, great, great, great, great great Aunt is Lizzie Borden.
Sheila: Lizzie who?
Todd: Lizzie borden. She hacked her family to bits with an axe.
Cartman: This Lizzie Borden Chick sounds pretty cool.
Todd: I thought so.
Mr. Parkinson: Hello children. Would you like to come in for freshly baked cookies and milk?
Stan: His house rocks, his dad bakes and he's the descendent of a psycho bitch...Dude, this guy kicks ass!
Sheila: Sorry to say it Cartman, but I always thought that your mom's cookies were kinda dry. [they all run in apart from Cartman.]
Cartman: Dammit! There can be only one! I'm that one! Godamn, I'm always the fat, buff, kid that always has the best stuff! I've even had an anal probe! What has he got?! [Kenny leans out a window.]
Kenny: [Todd's getting his eye brow pierced for christmas!]
Cartman: That;s it! I've had it! It's my christmas wish that Todd get a huge godamn anal prbe lodged in his ass, his eye brow gets infected and falls off! I bet he's even got a cat! God, I'm gonna kick his lamy ass in the christmas war. It's the 23rd and in two days I'm gonna kick his ass! Yeah! C'mon gang! [he begins to walk off. A guy walks over to him]
Guy: Who are you talking to?
Cartman: Uh...uh...uh...SCREW YOU HIPPY!
Therpy Centre that night
[Shaggy, Scooby, Pip, Terrence and Cartman sit round the counselor.]
Maracana: OK, group, today I hope we're going to be able to talk about our problems and why we resort to them. [Terrence farts.]
Terrence: Sorry, Philip put laxatives in my curry. [runs out the room.] Does anyone have any spare pants?
Maracana: OK, Eric, it's you turn to decribe why you watch star trek.
Cartman: Well...ahem...I watch the sci-fi show, Star Trek, to relieve myself of pressure from a socialist commie bastards that opress me and make me think I'm fat and not buff like I am!
Pip: Well you are fat yoouo big fat slug!
Cartman: Oh, look, frenchie's here.
PIp: I am not french!
Shaggy: Hey scoob, dig this crazy french kid!
Pip: I'm not french!
Scooby: Rehehehehe!
Pip: SCREW YOU ALL TO HELL AND BACK!
Maracana: OK, Mr. Doo, why do you speak liek that?
Scooby: Rell, ren ri ras ricking relma's rass role, rer rinkter rut roff ry rounge, ro ri'm roping ro ret reech rerapy.
Maracana: Very moving.
Cartman: You understood that?!
Maracana: Can't you?
Cartman: DO you think I'd ask that question if I understood you epileptic prostitute!
Shaggy: I usually say 'Hey scoob' because I ate too much pizza when I was young.
Terrence: Are you sure?
Scooby: Rat's rot rou rold re!
Shaggy: oK, i used to...fryantswithmicroscopes!
Maracana: So, I ripped the legs off spiders and let them wriggle.
Terrence: I used to gas beetles
Cartman: I'm a spleenophobic, hippiephobic, teletubbiephobic, oldpeoplephobic kinda guy.
My Ex-Room.
Me: Oh shadowy person.
S.F: What?
Me: I have some evidence here.
S.F: What?
Me: I've recovered a photo, of you, at three years old, in pigtails, and some other junk. I've inked out the face for protection. [the photo is held up. A three year old in a tutu is dancing on a patio.]
S.F: Where'd you obtain this?!
Sheila: Change us back or we remove the ink.
S.F: OK! OK! I'll change you back. [Sheila and I return to normal. I have a black shirt and blue keans on. Sheila is back to her usual, annoying, self.]
Sheila: Here! Have two pinwheesl for luck!
Airport
Sheila: Buh-bye, Kyle! Bring me back something nice! [her and cartman are in each others arms]
Kyle: Yeah, whatever.
Ike: CRASH!
Mrs. B: No, boopy, we won't crash.
Ike: Kyle big cool person.
Kyle: Aw, thank's Ike! [Ike runs off to the closest dustbin and has a burger wrapper shoved in his mouth.]
Stan: Well, Later dude. I hope that Canada doesn't suck as much as they say it does.
Todd: Later.
Kenny: [Tell me if it's true that canadian chicks have large bazookas.]
Kyle: Why would they carry incendiry devices? Oh, I see. [they laugh. Kyle, Mr &Mrs B and Ike walk on board 'JewArilines' With the motto: We don't serve pigs]
Todd: Right, it's christmas eve, what do ypou want to do?
Cartman: Uh, we could go look at the reindeer.
Sheila: kay. [ALl her clothes explode in pink light and I appear next to her, as Steve.]
Steve: {WHAT THE FUCK!?] [Me and Sheila leave quickly.]]
Stan: Let's go to stark's pond and look for the reindeer.
Cartman: My Mom says there's a lot of black people at Stark's pond.
Stan: Shut up, fatass!
My room
Steve/Me: OK! WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!?
S.F: Huh? Oh, you.
Sheila: We're going to show the world that picture now!
S.F: What are you talking about?
Sheila: This photo! [she holds up the photo.]
S.F: Who's that?
Me: YOU!
S.F: Me?
Me: YOU!
S.F#2: Oh, thanks for letting me take a break, what the! You didn't!
S.F#1: What? You said continue with the plot.
S.F#2: BUT THEY HAVE AN INCRININATING PHOTO OF ME!
S.F#1: Oh.
Me: HEY! WORLD! O KNOW WHO THIS IS! [holds up photo. I appear back in my clothes.]
Sheila: If I end up in pigtails AGAIN! I'll shoved a razor tipped pinwheel up your ass!
Plane. Kyle and Co. Are in their seats.
Kyle: Mo-om!
Mrs. B: Ach, vot boopoola?
Kyle: I don't wanna go to Canada.
Mrs. B: What's wrong with Canada?
Kyle: Canadians! Need I say more?
Mr. B: OK, Kyle, we see your predicament-
Kyle: You said-
Mr. B: I DON'T CARE WHAT I SAID! All I know is that we're going to see your brothers birthplace, AND THAT'S FINAL!
Hostess: [announcment over P.A thingy] Would you read the inflight booklet for instructions for what to do if you're plane crashes. Now, a word from our pilot.
Pilot: Hi,uhh, we'll be cruising at..uhhhh... a speed of six hundred miles an hour. Our cruising altitude will be .uhhhh, twenty thou feet and did I mention my Name was Dave? Today's meal will be Gaflafulafel or the choice of sloppy joes.
Kyle: yes! Sloppy Joes!
Mrs. B: Since this is a jewish family trip you will have the Gaflafulafel!
Kyle: MOM!
Ike: Gugugugugu!
Kyle: Shut up, Ike!
Mrs. B: Don't talk to your brother like that, Kyle!
Kyle: Shut up!
Mrs. B: WHAT DID YOU SAY!
Kyle: I said Ike's running round like a badger.
Mrs. B: Oh.
Stark's Pond.
Todd:...and then the donkey shat on the guy's head.
Stan: Whoa!
Cartman: That's what I call a sticky situation! [chuckles to himself.]
Kenny: OK, I say Fatass is fucked up.]
Todd: Duh!
Cartman: AY!
Sheila: My stud isn't fucked up! [Kenny, Stan and Todd find it hilarious.] Well he isn't!
Todd: We're not laughing at that, but, Cartman? A stud? [falls onto the floor, rolling in a laughing fit.]
Sheila: What's wrong with his buff bod?
Kenny: [Fatass?! BUFF!]
Stan: Yeah, Sheila. Are you blind or something?
Sheila: No! I can see perfectly. [Barbrady runs by, reciting the first five pages of Bumbly Wumbly goes to the genechologist.]
Todd: Hey, cop dude. What's up?
Barbrady: There's a disturbance at the Jesus and Pals studio. We think Satan's back.
Todd: Satan!? KICKASS!
Cartman: Let's roll! [barbrady runs to the left. Everyone else goes right.]
Stan: Isn't the studio this way?
Barbrady: I have to go to the do-nut shop. Martha needs some sprinkles.
J+P studio. Jesus, Satan and Saddam Hussien are on stage.
Satan: SO, I guess what I'm trying to say is...will you marry me? [towards Jesus. The audience gasps]]
Jesus: Marry? You? Why? Isn't that against the laws of the bible?
Saddam: What's so wrong aboot me and thatan getting married?
Jesus: You meant marrying you and him? Oh, I thought marry me!
Satan: Who would've married a lamy ass girly-dirl like you? [Satan and Saddam waddle off arm in arm. The gang run in]
Stan: Did we miss them?!
Jesus: yes, boys. You saved yourself from the clutches of Satan.
Todd: Dammit!
Jesus: We need some page boys, would you like to come to the wedding?
Stan: Wedding?
Cartman: My Mom says they'res a lot of black-
Todd: SHUT UP FATASS!
Jesus: You can all come, we need a band and a few bridesmaids. [he looks at Sheila.]
Sheila: Uh-uh, No way Jose! I am not dressing up in a large, pink thing whilst ou lot through paper around and sit at the back. Hang on, If Satan and Saddam Hussien are getting married, then who the hell is the bride?
Jesus: I dunno.
Plane: Kyle is watching a fifty year old movie. The parents are sleeping and Ike is being bounced off the chair in front of kyle.
Women: Help! Help! My sister is dying! [The broslofski's don't move.] i said, HELP HELP!
Kyle: Hey! Shut up!
Women: But my sister is dying!
Kyle: I don't care! [Bounces Ike harder.]
Women: [grabbing Kyle.] Listen you little dick! My sister is dying and if you don't wake up your fat fuck parentws I'll cut you open like a fish and hang you from the bowl!
Kyle: Get off me! [Throws Ike at her but he misses and Ike sails over and lands onto the sister. She sits up quickly and looks round.]
Sister: I'm cured! [Ike's on her lap.] And this little, dustbin did it!
Ike: Ike no dustbin, bitch! [A group of nuns run over.]
Nuns: Hallejula! Hallejula! Jesus is born again!
Kyle: Jesus was a christian! Ike's a jew!
Nuns: But Jesus was a Jew.
Kyle: He was?
Nuns: That's what potious Pilate said. [They pick up Ike and run around with him.]
School Cafeteria that night.
Todd: And remind me why we're here again?
Cartman: Because, every year, the school holds a meal for it's students. A christmas meal if you would. Chef cooks and serves it and we all eat it.
Todd: Free nosh then?
Cartman: Yeah. It's so free, even Kenny can afford it.
Kenny: [Shut up Cartman! You're so fat,, you've got your own Zip code!]
Cartman: God...dammit! I am not fat! [they walk to the line. Chef's there with Mr. Hankey on his shoulder.]
Mr. Hankey: Hi-De How!
Stan: Hey Mr. Hanky. Are there any chocolate salty balls left?
Mr. Hanky: Yes, there are!
Stan: I'll have three. {Cartman, Kenny, Sheila and Stan walk off with they'r e trays. Stan returns after Todd stands, shocked.]
Stan: What's up, dude?
Todd: That turd talked!
Stan: And?
Todd: Turds don't talk! They come out your ass, in the bowl, and through the U-bend. You get the occasional klingon and floater but that's it!
Stan: Nah! We've got talking turds in South Park.
Todd: Oh, Am *I* gonna *LOVE* living here?
Chef: Hey! Are you being sarcastic?
Todd: No! [sarcasticly.]
Chef: That's alright then. [Todd sits with the rest of them.]
Todd: It's pretty sweet that there's gonna be a wedding on christmas day.
Sheila: It's a shame it's going to be without Kyle, he really needed to get some christmas cheer into him.
Cartman: But the freak's a jew, it can't be helped.
Sheila: Still, but he's our friend.
Cartman: He may be *your* friend-
Stan: Hey fatass! What did Kyle ever do to you?!
Cartman: Him and his clay dredel's pierced my godamn eye out!
Todd: What the?! Dammit! Cartman, you speak more shit that a toilet!
Cartman: Screw you hippie! Ylour momma's a big fat fuck!
Todd: You're mom's like a toilet, fat round and full of shit! She's also like a bowling ball! Throw her down the gutter yet she still comes back for more!
Cartman: mScrew you hippie! My christmas present is gonna be even better than yours!
Todd: We'll see about that!
Cartman: Fine, ASSHOLE!
The South Park Chapel the Next Day. Damien and Sheila are bridesmaids, Todd is in black, with a pierced eye brow and spikey hair. stan and Kenny sit in the front row, The grimm reaper a.k.a Tony is the best man and Cartman hasn't arrived.
Damien: Who's family are you from?
Sheila: UH, the Broslofskiski one I think. (NO TYPO)
Damien: Broslofskiski? Isn't your father Tim Broslofskiski?
Sheila: Yeah. Why? [Her father apears next to her]
Sheila: AGH!
Tim: Yes, I died. But at least i get to hang out with elvis. Hey Damien.
Damien: Hey.
Vicar: I've decided that Will Smith will sing for us. [will smith takes thepodeum and thre babes apear behind him]
Will: Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah South Parkey, uh, uh Southbeach, bringin the heat, uh Haha, can y'all feel that Can y'all feel that Jig it out, uh Here I am in the place where I come let go South Parkey the base and the sunset glow Everyday like a mardi gras, everybody party all day No work all play, okay So we sip a little something, lay to rest the spill Me an Charlie at the bar runnin up a high bill Nothin less than ill, when we dress to kill Everytime the ladies pass, they be like (Hi Will) Can y'all feel me, all ages and races Real sweet faces Every different nation, Spanish, Hatian, Indian, Jamaican Black, White, Cuban, and Asian I only came for two days of playing But everytime I come I always wind up stayin This the type of town I could spend a few days in South Parkey the city that keeps the roof blazin
Chorus:
Party in the city where the heat is on All night, on the beach till the break of dawn Welcome to South Parkey Buenvenidos a South Parkey Bouncin in the club where the heat is on All night, on the beach till the break of dawn I'm goin to South Parkey Welcome to South Parkey
Yo I heard the rainstorms ain't nothin to mess with But I can't feel a drip on the strip, it's a trip Ladies half-dressed, fully equipped And they be screamin out, (Will we loved your last hit) So I'm thinkin I'ma scoot me somethin hot In this south-sea merengue melting pot Hottest club in the city, and it's right on the beach Temperature get to ya, it's about to reach Five-hundred degrees In the carribean seas, with the hot mommies Screamin (Aii poppy) Everytime I come to town, they be spottin me In the drop Bentley, ain't no stoppin me So, cash in your door We flow to this fashion show Pound for pound anywhere you go Yo, ain't no city in the world like this An if you ask how I know I gots ta feed the film
Chorus
Don't get me wrong, Shytown got it goin on An New York is the city that we know don't sleep An we all know that L.A. and Philly stay jiggy But on the sneak, South Parkey bringin heat for real Y'all don't understand I never seen so many Dominican women with cinnimon tans Mierda, this is the plan Take a walk on the beach, draw a heart in the sand Gimmie your hand Damn, you look sexy Let's go to my yacht, in the West Keys Ride my jetskis, loungin in the palm trees Cause you gotta have cheese for the summerhouse piece on southbeach Water so clear, you can see to the bottom Hundred-thousand dollar cars, e'ybody got em Ain't no surprise in the club to see Sly, Stallone South Parkey, my second home [crowd cheers.]
Vicar: Thank You, mr. Smith.
Will: Hey, no problem! [the 'here comes the bride' music starts and Satan walks down the aisle wearing a veil.]
Todd: What the fuck?!
Satan: Hey Bill!
Bill: Hey, see ya in a mo.
Vicar: Satan, to you take saddam to be your lawfully bound yadayadayada??
Satan: yes.
Vicar: Ditto, except visa versa
Saddam: Yth, I do.
Vicar: I now pronounce you man and lord of the underworld.
Saddam: Aww, he called me lord. [They walk out, arm in arm, as R.E.M's 'it's the end of the world as we know it' drums out of four speakers.]
The phone box outside.
Stan: [screen spilts, Kyle on one side, Stan on the other.] Dude, what's Canada like?
Kyle: Who cares, I'm coming home tonight! I'm at the airport now. my mom says I can come home because they all think Ike's the born again Jesus guy.
Stan: But doesn't Jesus have a Tv show in South Park?
Kyle: I asked them that, but they said his goatee was completly fake. So, what's going on?
Stan: Nothing much. Satan and Saddam hussien got married, Sheila found out that her dad died, Todd got a new wardrobe for christmas, Cartman's back to being a pie eating guy, you called and Will Smith sang at Satan's wedding.
Kyle: Anything else?
Stan: Sheila had to be a bridesmaid. How was Channukah?
Kyle: It sucked! Ike got all the presents! I got a straw! That's it! A bloody straw!
Stan: Hey, when you come back, we could all buy you stuff.
Kyle: Yeah, that'll rule! I'm getting in at 1 p.m.
Stan; I'll meet you at the airport. Later, dude. [hangs up. Walks back in to the reception.]
INside.
Todd: Uh, wendy?
Wendy: [barf] yes?
Todd: Wanna dance?
Wendy: [spew] OK.
Todd: Do you have indigestion?
Wendy: [puke] no. It's this porblem I get when really sexy, I mean, nice people talk to me. [They begin to dance.]
Stan: [watches from a dark corner.] Soon, I shall wreak my revenge on that evil bastard! No one fucks with Stan Marsh.
Sheila: Who are you talking to, Stan?
Stan: Uh, Uh, Uh, Mr. Poo.
Sheila: Mr. Who?
Stan: Not Who, Poo. [holds up his finger with a chippilata on it.] Hello Mr. Poo.
Mr. Poo: Hello Stan. That asshole Todd sure is a dick. [Sheila shakes her head.]
Sheila: You are one strange fucked up little turd.
Stan: Hey, Sheila! Get fatass, Kenny, Todd, Wendy, Chef, Mr. Garrison, The mayor, will smith, Satan, Saddam Hussien, Jesus, Damien, Tony, I mean death, Jimbo, Ned, Mr. Hat, Mr. Hankey, a spatula, Robert Smith from the, Barbara Streisland, Celine Dion-
Sheila: Celine Dion?
Stan: We need a pinyata! Mrs. Crabtree, the black scarey monster, Jerry Springer, Clyde, Mr. Mackay, everyone from Cartman's therapy group, Pip, Kenny's family, Cartman's mom, my mom and dad, Stumpy the Grasshopper, Kyle Broslofski, Martin Hazelbower, Dave Benson, Bitchmom, Alyssa, Kim and meet me at Kyle's house, we need to do something for him!
Sheila: What? [stan whispers it in her ear.] sweet!
Airport: Kyle walks out and hordes of men run at him.
Man: Kumbayaa my lord, Kumbayaa!
Kyle: Oh great, Christians. [Pushes them away. He walks to the end and looks for Stan.]
Kyle: Dammit! Were is he? [He spies a man with the sign 'Braslavski'. He walks over.]
Guy: Are you Mr. braslavski?
Kyle: It's 'brovlofski' dumbass, now, let's go! [They walk out to the waiting taxi. They hed for the town.]
Kyle's house. Cartman is gorging himself on Snakey CAkes.
Stan: Those are for Kyle lardo!
Cartman: AY! [Wendy walks over to Todd with a mistletoe hat on.]
Todd: Hey Wendy. Nice Hat.
Wendy: It's mistletoe.
Todd: Well, duh.
Wendy: Do you know what happens when you're under mistletoe?
Todd: Yeah.
Wendy: Well? For christmas?
Todd: What the hell. [They begin to kiss. Stan screams at him.]
Stan: DAMMIT! GET YOUR HANDS OFF HER ASSHOLE! [He begins to stab Todd with a fork. Camera pans across to Me and Kyle talking.]
Me: So, Kyle, How's cartman's ass?
Kyle: What the!? Hey! That's Sheila in the chat room! And I don't want the Cartman inflatable chair!
Me: it was a pretty sweet line though. [Dave walks over.]
Dave: What line? [obviously drunk.]
Kyle: Sheila said she wanted an inflatable cartman chair for her room. Mr. Charisma came up with the line: "We all know the line 'Kitty's being a dildo' well, now we can say, 'Cartman's being a dildo." [Dave cracks up and falls over.]
Dave: Cartman's being a dil-dil-dil-dil! [Kyle kicks him in the ribs.]
Kyle: It wasn't *that* funny.
Dave: Ye-ye-yes it w-w-was! [Laughs more. Stan flies across our veiw and Todd runs after him withg a fondu fork.]
Todd: C'mere you little shit!
Kyle: What's up with him?
Me: He's related to lizzie borden.
Kyle: I thought he was related to Jack the ripper.
Me: No, I typed, hey! How do you know this! I haven't even posted it yet!
Kyle: UH, Uh, UH.
Me: You bitch! You're the shadowy figure! [Alyssa walks up.]
Alyssa: I'm also a hooded figure, fear me!
Me: Why?
Alyssa: Martin's Herpees killed kim! I avenge her death.
Kim: Hey Alyssa.
Alyssa: Hey, So, as I was saying, I'm avenging....
Me: And know it clicks. ['lissie walks off crying.]
Stan: Hey! Kyle's arrived! [The lights blink out and a hundred pairs of eyes are visible.]
Kyle: [opens door and looks in.] I'm gonna kick Stan's ass when I see him. [someone farts.] Who's here?
Voice: Dammit! Why'd ya have to eat the eggs, Cartman!
Voice #2: Ay! [lights blink on.]
Everyone: HAPPY HANNUKAH SLASH CHRISTMAS!
Kyle: Wow! [Stan, Kenny, Sheila, Cartman and Todd run over with presents.]
Todd: We figured that since Ike's the messiah, you ought to have a half decent hannukah!
Kyle: Thanks, dudes!
Stan: And now, music from Offspring! [they begin to play 'Feelings' in the background.]
Stan: You know, I've really learnt something today, in between the insane ramblings of everyone.
Kyle: What?
Stan: I;ve learnt that christmas isn't about being a Jew, or Muslim, It's about giving and recieving presents from friends and family. It's about love, friendship
Todd: And sex.
Stan: GET AWAY FROM WENDY! [Grabs Todd's throat and begins to choke him.]
Kenny: [Hey, I haven't said much recently, and since it looks like I'm going to live today, let's sing the twelve days of christmas.] Everyone: yeah! [The Twelve Days of christmas music starts up.]
Kenny: [On the first day of christmas my true love sent to me, Some really hot puss-y!]
Kyle: On the second day of Christmas my true love sent to me, two pounds of ecstacy and some hot pussy!
Chef: On the third day of christmas my true honey sent to me, three salsbury steaks, two pounds of ecstacy and some hot pussy!
Sheila: On the fourth day of christmas my true love sent to me, four cartman clones, three slasbury steaks, two pounds of ecstacy and some hot pussy!
cartman: On the fifth day of christmas my true love sent to me, Five, cheesy poof trees! Four cartman clones, three salsbury steaks, two pounds of ecstacy and some hot pussy!
Martin: On the sixth day of christmas my true love sent to me, six black sabbath Cds, five cheesy poof trees, fourth cartman clones, three salsbury steaks, two pounds of ecstacy and some hot pussy!
Kyle (writer): On the seventh day of christmas, my true love sent to me, seven turds a lepin', six black sabbath Cds, five cheesy poof trees! Four cartman clones, three salsbury steaks, two pounds of ecstacy and some hot pussy!
Todd: On the eight day of christmas my true love sent to me, eight friends a lovin', seven turds a leapin', six black sabbath cds, five cheesy poof trees, four cartman clones, three salsbury steaks, two pounds of ecstacy and some hot pussy!
Dave: On the ninth day of christmas, my true love sent to me, nine cartman dildos, eight friends a lovin', seven turds a leapin', six black sabbath cds, five cheesy poof trees, four cartman clones, three salsbury steaks, two pounds of ecstacy and some hot pussy! [Kyle grabs his throat and they roll away.]
Alyssa: On the tenth day of christmas, my true love gave to me, ten snakey cakes, nine cartman dildos, eight friends a lovin', seven turds a leapin', six black sabbath cds, five cheesy poof trees, four cartman clones, three salsbury steaks, two pounds of ecstacy and some hot pussy!
Kim: On the eleventh day of christmas my true love sent to me, eleven golden keys, ten snakey cakes, nine cartman dildos, eight friends a lovin', seven turds a leapin', six black sabbath cds, five cheesy poof trees, four cartman clones, three salsbury steaks, two pounds of ecstacy and some hot pussy!
Wendy: On the twelvth day of christmas, my true love gave to me, the ability to date Todd, Eleven golden keys, ten snakey cakes, nine Cartman dildos, eight friends a lovin', seven turds a leapin', six black sabbath cds, five cheesy poof trees, four cartman clones, three salsbury steaks, two pounds of ecstacy and some hot pussy! [The music comes to a dramatic ending.]
Everyone: MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR! [A sign saying 'Merry Xmas and a happy new year' appears above their heads. It begins to rumble. Kenny realises the obvious.]
Kenny: {everyone, the word that fits this situation is thus, FUCK!] [the sign falls, chrushing them all. Blood runs from the bloody, chrushed corpses. Terrence and Philip run in.]
Terrence: OH MY GOD! STUMPY KILLED SOUTH PARK!
Philip: YOU BASTARD! [farts.]
T+P: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! [kyle and dave roll in. Dave looks at the bloody mess and laughs.]
Dave: th-th-the-they all died! It's hilarious! [Kyle breaks a champagne bottle on the side of the table and stabs the broken end into Dave's head. He dies instantly.]
Kyle: Shut up dave! [She walks out.]
End Credits.
Tada! J'ai Fini! My 39.4 kb chrimbo fic! And with this note, I bid you farewell.
The word 'fuck' was said 25 times in this fic. The word 'shit' was said 7 times in this fic. The death count was 57 people. That piece of shit wasted 30 seconds.
-The Grasshopper.