"It's down! Let's go finish it off!" Jimbo shouts.
"Mmmmwhat the hell was that thingmmm?" Ned worries.
Jimbo gives his friend a stern glance. "I don't know, Ned, but it sure as hell looked as though it was aiming at my nephew...so we're gonna have to kill it." The buddies and their camera crew, all well-armed, head toward South Park Elementary.
~~~~~~~~~~~
*thud*
~~~~~~~~~~~
"Dude! What the hell is that thing?" Kyle asks, his curiosity piqued. Cartman and Kenny walk to the other youth, carefully averting their gazes from the horror of Pip and Wendy. Stan is still retching at the sight. But the boys have found something less grotesque and more interesting to view.
"It looks like...some kind of bird-man..." Cartman marvels. "I saw a comic book about them once."
"Cartman," Kyle asks, "are you as stupid as you are fat?"
"AY! You...you shut your mouth before I...I..."
"Before you what, Cartman?" Kyle shouts, venturing nearer the creature. "Before you eat me?"
"You sonofabitch, Kyle, I'll kick your ass!"
Kyle pays no attention to the other boy, focusing instead on the wounded creature. He gets within a few feet of it, before looking at it quizzically.
"Hey, dude...are you okay?" he inquires.
"...ugh...they shot me...and I missed..." the creature starts, looking at the young boy in horror. The creature sets its gaze to the ground a few feet from it, where the crossbow lay, undamaged by the great fall. Kyle's gaze follows the creature's, and he is mesmerized by it.
"Wow...that looks pretty killer...are you some sort of...bad guy?" Kyle worries, scared to even move.
"No," the creature says. "Actually, I'm usually a pretty nice guy. I'm just a little pissed about getting shot and falling down. I've got to go and heal myself, so I can come back," he speaks softly, looking at Pip and Wendy, still locked steadfast in their embrace, "and fix things." He feels his stomach turn at how the plan had gone awry.
"What's your name, kid?" he asks.
"Kyle Broslofski. What's yours?"
"My name's Cupid," the winged man replies.
"Oh, man, that's a stupid name!" Cartman says. He picks up a rock and hucks it at Cupid, hitting him in the side of the head.
"Hey, you little bastard!" Cupid shouts. "How would you like to fall in love with a toad?"
"Sh*t, man, anything's better than Kyle's mom," Cartman says, not realizing his blunder until a moment later. "I mean...uh..."
"That does it, Cartman!" Kyle shouts, and grabs Cartman by the collar. "You're gonna be eating CARROT STICKS this whole F*CKING weekend you M*^&^#*%& piece of *#%&^*#%$ *&#% &$^%#$%&%*@!"
"Well, in that case," Cartman retorts, "allow me to point out that you're a dirty Jew, just like your mom, who's also a *&$#^ *&^#%& *@$#%& @&%$* #amp;^%# and a bitch too!" Cartman takes a swing at Kyle, who dodges nimbly. The punch lands squarely, though...on Cupid's shoulder, a few inches from where the gunshot had blown a hole through his wing/back connector.
"That does it, you little bastard," Cupid says, grabbing his crossbow and aiming it at Cartman. He notches a wicked-looking bolt into it, sans the hearts and flowers the rest of the arrows possess. He pulls the trigger, just as a nightstick hammers into his forearm, knocking his aim off.
"Oh fmph," Kenny curses, as the bolt enters his forehead.
Kyle stares in horror at the officer. "Oh my God! You..."
"Nothing to see here, move along," Barbrady cries out, prodding Cupid to his feet with his nightstick. He waves Kyle away.
"I wasn't finished, you bastard!" Kyle shouts, kicking Barbrady in the shin.
The bell rings, sending most of the children scampering off to class. Barbrady shoos Kyle away. Kyle looks at Cupid, whose hands are cuffed, and then looks around for the crossbow, but can't find it. Cupid looks at the young boy, and nods his remorse to him, even as Barbrady drags him off the playground and wrangles the poor creature into the back of his squad car.
"God I hate you, Kyle," Cartman mutters, returning to the classroom. Pip and Wendy follow shortly behind him, staring adoringly into each others eyes. Kyle reaches down and helps up his best friend, who looks at him weakly.
"Dude..."
"Yeah, dude?" Kyle asks gently.
"This is pretty f*cked up right here."
Kyle nods and walks his friend back to the class.
~~~~~~~~~~~
"Well, where the hell did they go?" Jimbo belts. He and the crew had hustled to the school as quickly as possible, and still, too late.
"Jimbo!" a younger man exclaims. "Dispatch says that Officer Barbrady most certainly has *not* taken a bird-man into custody!"
"...What's your point?" Jimbo inquires.
"...Jimbo, really. You know how in denial Barbrady is. He must have that creature of ours!"
"MmmmJimbo, we bettermmmk go find out what the police are doingmmm with our catchkk."
"Come on, Ned," Jimbo points to his vehicle. "I think we can cut 'em off before they get to City Hall."
~~~~~~~~~~~
"All right, children. Your homework assignment for this weekend..."
"Awww..." the kids groan.
"Hush up, you brats!" Garrison huffs. "Now, I know there's a party at the Broslofski's house today after school, so your assignment is to filch me some Snacky Cakes and piss off Kyle's mom as much as possible."
"Hey!" Kyle shouts as the bell rings. The kids barrel out the door with their Valentines and their permission slips, the latter they hand to Ms. Crabtree as they get on the bus.
"Is everybody going to Kyle's house?" Ms. Crabtree asks softly.
"Yes, Ms. Crabtree," Kyle says, surprised at her gentleness.
"Well, then...SIT DOWN AND LET'S GO! AAAAAH!" Crabtree shouts, pulling away from the curb at break neck speed.
~~~~~~~~~~~
The SUV pulls out in front of Barbrady, parking in the middle of the road. The camera crew and stars of "Huntin' And Killin'" emerge, equipment and weaponry in hand.
"All right now, you can't just park in an intersection," Barbrady wags his finger at the crew. "I'm gonna have to take you downtown."
"We are downtown, you numbskull," the producer observes. "Now open the door and let our prey free."
"Well, so long as you promise to never do it again," Barbrady states, opening the back door of his police car. Cupid emerges, and grabs Barbrady by the throat, withdrawing a miniature crossbow. A small bolt appears in it, and he points the weapon at Barbrady.
"Everybody, just back off," Cupid warns, "and I'll make sure none of you get hurt. I just wanna get the hell out of this pissant mountain town."
"You're not goin' anywhere, pal," Jimbo says, stepping forward. "We've got a show to do, and you're our main attraction." He lunges at Cupid and Barbrady.
Cupid shoves Barbrady toward Jimbo, and unloads the bolt into Barbrady.
"Jimbo, you have such beautiful eyes!" Barbrady says, hugging the hunter tightly.
"Aaaaaaaagh!"
"Mmmmmaaaaaaghkk!"
"Let's cuddle, snookums!"
Pleased with the confusion left in his wake, Cupid hops into the driver's seat of the police car, and speeds away.
{I know where my first stop is,} he chuckles to himself.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Ms. Crabtree speeds away from the Broslofski house, as soon as the last child, in this case Eric Cartman, departs the bus. Unfortunately, she hits the rear of Chef's station wagon, which he was attempting to park in front of his house.
"Damn, woman!" Chef bursts from the car. "What the hell are you doing?"
Ms. Crabtree opens the small window to her left, to look down at Chef.
"What were you doing IN MY WAY? AAAAGH!" she screams.
Just then, a police car drives up. Chef is oblivious, he is so pissed off at Crabtree.
"Listen woman, you need to get your ass down to the psyche ward. I ain't even..." Chef stops in mid-sentence, as he feels himself shoved against the bus. He looks back up to Crabtree.
"Ms. Crabtree, you better open that door," Chef warns.
"WHY WOULD I DO THAT? AAAAARGH!"
"Because...
You can run, and you can hide, But I will find you and swallow my pride, Gonna take you woman, right now and here, Even if it means I gotta climb through this fudged-up window, dear! 'Cuz when this bus starts rockin', Nobody better be knockin'!"
Crabtree stares wide-eyed at Chef, and releases the handle to the door.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Cupid parks the car, just short of the Broslofski residence. He watches as each kid enters the home, ushered in by a large redhead.
"Come on, kids! There's punch and cookies and all sorts of goodies inside!" Ms. Broslofski eagerly states. "Stanley, what's wrong? You look all ashen!"
Stan points at Wendy and Pip, making out by the punchbowl. He then makes a beeline for the restroom.
"Mom," Kyle says, looking up at her.
"Bubbe, I need to go and break that up...can it wait?"
"No, Mom. Cartman has something very important to tell you."
Cartman glares at Kyle, who draws a line across his throat to indicate what would happen if he didn't speak up. Then he enters the house, looking over his shoulder one last time in a warning glance.
"Well, what is it, Eric?" Mrs. Broslofski asks.
"You see, ma'am, I..." Suddenly Cartman feels a pang deep within his chest...it reminds him of the first whiff of cheesy dust when opening a bag of Cheesy Poofs. He looks deep into his friend's mother's eyes.
"I love you," he says softly, wrapping his arms around one of her thighs.
"...That's very nice, Eric...now don't you want to get inside and have some snacks?"
"I only want you, Sheila. Will you marrah me?" he stares up at her, eyes pleading.
"What what WHAT?!?" Mrs. Broslofski screams. "Oh my god, Kyle, your friend is out of his mind!"
Kyle runs back to the entryway. "What did you tell her, Cartman?"
"Kyle, I know this will be hard for you to understand," Cartman starts in, "but your mother and I love each other very much...I will try my best to be a good stepfather to you."
Kyle's mouth falls agape, as does his mother's.
Cartman pats his friend on the shoulder. "Of course, I will have to convert to Judaism, but I would eagerly do that to be by your mother's side for all eternitah." He looks up at Mrs. Broslofski, who has paled considerably. "I love you, Sheila."
Mr. Broslofski comes to the door. "Sheila, why are you standing in the doorway? Let the poor child in."
Cartman glares up at the man. "Gerald, I'm afraid I will have to challenge you to a dual, for the hand of this fair maiden." He removes one of his mittens, and slaps the man across the knee with it.
Mrs. Broslofski looks to her husband in horror. "Gerald...oy," she mutters, before passing out.
Kyle looks down the block, to see a police car that has someone who is most certainly *not* Officer Barbrady in the driver's seat. He runs over to the car, and reaches through the window, grabbing the crossbow from Cupid's hand.
"Hey, kid!"
"Hey NOTHING, buttpirate!" Kyle shouts, furious. "I know you're pissed off about getting shot, but that's no reason for you to go around, screwing up people's lives!"
"Hate to tell you this, kid," Cupid replies wearily, "but that's my job. I am a god, you know."
"I don't care what you are! Just turn everything back to normal!"
Cupid sighs. "I can't...not until I've had a chance to rest, and heal."
"What do you mean, you can't? You're a god! You can do anything you want to!"
Cupid looks at the kid. "You might just be on to something there, kid," he says. He lays a hand on his shoulder, rubbing around the wound there. A large chunk of metal falls to the ground, and the wound closes.
Kyle picks up the chunk of metal. "Now I know why you were so pissed off..." he begins, "but if Cartman winds up my stepfather, I'm gonna put 30 more just like this into your f*&#^% #@!!s, dude."
Cupid gets a cockeyed grin. "Maybe he'll be nicer to her now." He turns and looks at Kyle, who does not appear amused. "Okay, okay," he says. He closes his eyes in concentration, placing his left hand over his mouth and nose, and waving his right hand about wildly.
"Is that helping?" Kyle asks warily.
"It's helping me," the god admits. "I've got some pretty bad gas."
~~~~~~~~~~~
All over South Park, screams can be heard, as lovers are released from their bonds of infatuation, only to discover who they're with is certainly not who they want.
Kyle bids his new friend goodbye, and pockets the piece of metal that caused all the trouble to begin with. He walks back inside his home and finds his mother on the couch, his father pressing a cold compress to her forehead; Cartman on the other side of the room, stuffing his face with the Cheesy Poofs he hope will erase the memory of the day from his mind; Wendy slapping Pip, and then excusing herself to go and gargle; and his best friend Stan, almost ready to rejoin the real world. Kyle wanders over to chat with him.
"You know, I've learned something today," Stan observes, looking at his best friend. "Valentine's Day sucks. And Cupid sucks. And love sucks. And Pip sucks. And Cartman sucks, and Kenny sucks, and..."
"Dude, I get the point," Kyle interjects.
Wendy saunters up to Stan. "I'm sorry about everything, Stan. I just wasn't myself." She bows her head a bit, and sniffles. "I hope you can forgive me."
"...Sure, babe."
"Oh!" Wendy exclaims, wrapping her arms around Stan's neck. She kisses him sweetly on the cheek. "I love you, Stan..."
Stan backs away from Wendy, and runs to the wastebasket, from which retching can be heard.
"...Ew."
~~~~~~~~~~~
End Credits/Disclaimers:
Comedy Central owns South Park. Trey Parker and Matt Stone came up with the idea. They are also very yummy with your choice of ice cream toppings. Very little harm was caused to any deity within this story. My eternal soul, on the other hand, was indubitably compromised by all my blaspheming. Cupid's stunt double: Dian Bachar. Everyone who appeared in this story was kidnapped and brainwashed to forget the events depicted herein, with the notable exception of Kenny, who was lobotomized and therefore forgot naturally. Psychological manipulations performed by Mr. Mackey. I didn't make any money off of this, but I did lose a lot of sleep worrying that I would be forever traumatized by the coupling that occured within this story. If you wish to distribute or archive this story, please drop me a line at astralia at geocities dot com to let me know where it's going. If you wish to sue me, please don't. I only have $43 to my name.
~~~~~~~~~~~
"Oh, Jesus!"
"OW! Damn it, Deann, watch out for my halo!"
~~~~~~~~~~~
Merry.