OK, so it's not Christmas yet, but it's written and I can't be bothered with remembering to post it nearer the time, so.....
[BUS STOP - Kyle Stand and Kenny are there] Stan: Dude, I can't believe it's Christmas already Kyle: I know. What have you asked Santa for? Stan: I was going for a flame thrower and a sack of money. You? Kyle: I don't get presents from Santa Stan: Oh yeah... sorry...
[CARTMAN WALKS IN DRESSED AS SANTA]
Cartman: Hey guys, like, what's happening?
Stan: Cartman?!? What the hell are you wearing you fatass?
Cartman: It's a Santa costume, and I'm not fat, I'm just a good actor...
Kenny: Mph Mph Mph
Cartman: Yes, I do deserve an Oscar... Ay! I know what you're saying!
Well Kenny, you have been a bad boy, so no presents from Santa
this year... And no presents from your piss-poor family either.
Kenny: Mph Mph Mph
Stan: Do reindeer have cats? [All laugh][BUS PULLS UP]
Ms Crabtree: Get on you little bastards, we're running late! Stan: Go to hell you pissed loony! Ms Crabtree: What did you say?!? Stan: I said "Jingle Bells is a Christmas Tune" Ms Crabtree: Of course it is, now sit down and shut up!
[IN CLASS]
Mr Garrison: Eric, Stan, Kyle, Kenny, you're late.
Mr Hat: Ho Ho Ho Mr Garrison, look what Eric's wearing
Mr Garrison: Eric, explain why you're dressed as Santa
Cartman: Because it makes me look all important... And my ma says I look
cuddly...
Kenny: Mph Mph Mph
Mr Garrison: Now Kenny, why would *I* want to cuddle Eric?
Kenny: Mph Mph Mph
Mr Garrison: I am not gay! That's it you little turd, get the hell out!
[EXIT KENNY]
Mr Garrison: Now back to the lesson. Who can tell me the name of the
first alien to find fame in the world of rock and roll?[CAFETERIA]
Chef: Hello there... Child Kenny: Mph Mph Chef: How's it going? Kenny: Mph Chef: Why bad? Kenny: Mph Mph Mph Chef: Oh, child. He's a very confused little gay man Mr Garrison: (shouting from classroom) I am not gay!
[NORTH POLE]
Jimbo: Well Ned, here we are. The North Pole. You see anything yet?
Ned: MmmNo, just lots of snow
Jimbo: Damn... Well keep looking
Ned: MmmI see some reindeer
Jimbo: Ned! They're posing a threat to the integrity of the United
States! Pass the grenades
Ned: MmmBetter get the guy in red too
[JIMBO THROWS THE GRENADES][RECESS, AND KENNY WALKS INTO A TREE AND IS COVERED BY SNOW, LOOKING LIKE A SNOWMAN. THE BELL GOES, AND EVERYBODY GOES IN EXCEPT KENNY, WHO MELTS WITHOUT A TRACE]
[CARTMAN'S HOUSE, STAN KYLE AND CARTMAN ARE THERE]
Stan: Hey, Cartman! Your cat is starting to piss me off. Mind if I
kick it?
Cartman: Ay! You leave my Kitty alone!
Kyle: Shut up fatass, he was only kidding
Cartman: Goddamnit! I am not fat! I just have a lot of charisma that
needs storing...
Stan: You wouldn't know what Charisma was if it kicked you in the
nuts!
Cartman: That does it. Screw you guys, I'm going home
Kyle: You are home
Cartman: Ay! Get out the three of you or I'll kick you in the nuts so
hard you can taste them!
Stan: Three of us? There's only two of us... That means... Oh my God!
They must have killed Kenny!
Cartman: [TO STAN & KYLE] You bastards! Get out of my house Goddamnit!
[EXIT STAN AND KYLE]
[CARTMAN'S ROOM TURNS INTO A SMALL FEATURELESS ROOM WITH A FIGURE
HUNCHED OVER A COMPUTER IN ONE CORNER]Cartman: Ma! I'm having one of those acid flashbacks you keep talking
about!
Figure: No you're not. I just felt you needed to hear this directly from
me...
[SCENE SHIFTS TO CLOUD CITY IN THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK]
Figure: I am your writer
Cartman: No! That's not true! That's impossible!
Figure: Search the credits, you know it to be true.
Cartman: NOOOOO!!!!!!!!
Figure: Anyhow, let me introduce myself... I'm James
Cartman: Why are you doing this to me?
James: I wasn't creative enough to work this into the plot, so I have
to tell you that due to circumstances beyond our control, we're
short of a Santa actor. We want you to fill the position.
Cartman: Why me?
James: You're the only one you could fill the costume.
Cartman: Ay! You calling me fat? Because I'm not, I'm trim and buff.
Just more trim and buff than other people. [JAMES TYPES INTO
LAPTOP] And I would be happy to fill the position.
James: Thanks, I knew I could count on you
Cartman: Ay! Wait...
[SCENE SHIFTS BACK TO LIVING ROOM]
Cartman: Damnit![BUS STOP. KYLE STAN AND CARTMAN ARE THERE]
Cartman: So that's why your parents have to leave out lots of mince pies
and brandy.
Stan: Dude, you're fat enough as it is!
Cartman: I am NOT FAT! You have to respect me if you want your presents.
Kyle: I don't get presents from Santa you big fat f***
Cartman: That's because you're a Satan worshipping Jew!
[KYLE KICKS CARTMAN IN THE NUTS][CHRISTMAS EVE]
Cartman: How am I supposed to do this stupid job? Writer! Where are you? [ROCKET POWERED SLED APPEARS OUTSIDE] Cartman: Sweet!
[SOME HOUSE SOMEWHERE] [CARTMAN FALLS DOWN THE CHIMNEY]
Cartman: Ow! Goddamnit! The embers are still warm! Ooh... Brandy and
Mince pie! [HE EATS THEM] Ooh, chocolates under the tree! [EATS
THEM]. Ooh! Refrigerator![CHRISTMAS MORNING] [CARTMAN WAKES UP, FATTER THAN EVER. HE TRIES TO GET BACK UP THE CHIMNEY AND CAN'T]
Cartman: Oh ****
To be Continued......