A Bit Tasty By Chris Anderson
[Warnings, song, and titles.]
[Ext. view, South Park Elementary.]
[Int. view, Mr. Garrison�s classroom. Wendy Testaburger is at the front of the room, giving a presentation. Mr. Garrison is sitting at his desk, falling asleep.]
WENDY: ...And that�s how we can save our planet�s endangered species.
[Shot of the class. Everyone except Stan is asleep. Cut back to the front of the room. Mr. Garrison slowly comes to.]
MR. GARRISON: (Wiping drool from this chin.) Guh...Thank you, Wendy, for that stirring report about tractor pulls.
WENDY: But my report was over saving endangered species, Mr. Garrison.
MR. GARRISON: Oh. Anyway, who�s next?
[Shot of the class again. Wendy comes into the shot and takes her seat. With the exception of Stan, the whole class is still asleep.]
CARTMAN: (Still sleeping.) No, mom! Ah don� wanna wear the dress again...
[Cut back to the front of the room.]
MR. GARRISON: That sounds like a volunteer to me, Mr. Hat.
MR. HAT: No, Mr. Garrison. I have a better idea.
MR. GARRISON: What is it, Mr. Hat?
[Mr. Garrison puts Mr. Hat close to his ear. Mr. Hat starts whispering into it.]
MR. GARRISON: Oh, I see! What a wonderful idea, Mr. Hat! Class?
[They�re all still asleep.]
MR. GARRISON: Stan, would you and Wendy mind waking everyone up?
STAN: �Kay.
[Stan and Wendy go around the room and wake everyone up. Wendy comes to Cartman and gently nudges him. He stays asleep.]
WENDY: Cartman?
[Wendy pushes Cartman. He�s still asleep.]
WENDY: Cartman?
[Wendy punches Cartman, who is still sleeping.]
WENDY: Goddammit, Cartman! Wake up!
[Cartman is still sleeping. Wendy pushes Cartman out of his desk and onto the floor. He�s still sleeping. Stan comes over to Wendy.]
STAN: Dude! You�re not doing it right.
WENDY: Then how do you wake him up?
STAN: Easy. Like this...
[Stan goes over to Cartman.]
STAN: (Softly.) Cartman? Oh, Cartman? Your mom made you some...
[Cartman starts to wake up.]
CARTMAN: W-ha?
MR. GARRISON: No, no, Stanley. Let Eric sleep.
STAN: Why?
MR. GARRISON: Just do it, jerk off!
STAN: Never mind, Cartman. Go back to sleep.
[Cartman falls asleep again.]
KYLE: That�s not fair! Why does Cartman get to sleep still!?
MR. GARRISON: Because, Kyle, we�re going to do a little lesson in sociology and we need Eric to be asleep for it.
KYLE: But...
MR. GARRISON: No buts, Mister. Just do what I say and you�ll thank Mr. Hat when we�re through.
[Ext. view, South Park Elementary. The class is all gathered around something on the front lawn.]
MR. GARRISON: OK, class, we�re almost ready. Kenny, will you go plug the sign in?
[The camera pans over to a big electrical sign that reads, �Hey! Look here! Honk if you think it�s funny!�. The camera then pans down the sign to the plug. As it travels down the cord, we can see that the cord has been taped back together in several spots, there is exposed wire, etc.]
KENNY: Mmnm nmnm.
MR. GARRISON: Now, Kenny, don�t be a little bastard; just plug the damn thing in.
KENNY: Mmnm nmnm.
MR. HAT: Plug that f*cking sign in right now or I will subject you to unspeakable torment in the fires of Hell for all eternity!
STAN: Whoa, dude!
[Kenny goes over to the plug and starts to plug it into an outlet on the outside wall of the school. As he is doing so, it pops and sparks horribly, sending a huge shower of sparks out on Kenny. Soon, we can�t see Kenny through all the sparks.]
STAN: Oh, my God! They...
[The shower of sparks stops and Kenny walks back to the rest of the class unscathed.]
STAN: Oh. Never mind.
KYLE: Dude, you�re getting just a little over-eager, don�t you think?
STAN: Huh?
MR. GARRISON: Never mind that now, boys. We�re all ready for our sociology lesson. Everyone step back.
[The class moves over to the right. Once they have moved, we can see that they were surrounding Cartman, who is now staked to the ground in only his underwear with an apple crammed into his mouth. He is still sleeping.]
KYLE: Mr. Garrison?
MR. GARRISON: What, Kyle?
KYLE: We almost forgot the other sign.
MR. GARRISON: Oh my! You�re right, Kyle! Clyde, would you put the other sign up over here by Eric?
[Clyde carries in a sign and sticks it into the ground right by Cartman. When he moves away, we can see that it reads, �I am a little piggy. Oink Oink.�]
MR. HAT: Now it�s time to wake him up, Mr. Garrison.
MR. GARRISON: That�s right, Mr. Hat. Cover your ears, kids.
[The class covers their ears. Mr. Garrison pulls an airhorn out and blows it. Cartman wakes up and spits out the apple.]
CARTMAN: Man! Ah was havin� the weirdest dream, you gahs.
KYLE: Really? What about?
CARTMAN: Well, Ah dreamed Ah was at home...
STAN: Stuffing your fat ass with Cheesy Poofs, right?
CARTMAN: Ay!
MR. GARRISON: Now, Stanley, that kind of language isn�t very appropriate. So, Eric, you were stuff your fat ass with Cheesy Poofs...and?
CARTMAN: ...And, all of a sudden Ah found mahself in mah underwear out here on the front lawn.
[The class starts laughing.]
CARTMAN: What�s so f*ckin� funny!?
[A car drives by and honks. Cartman looks around at the situation.]
CARTMAN: You sons-of-bitches!
[The class continues laughing.]
MR. GARRISON: Class, I hope this teaches you a valuable lesson: Never fall asleep in class or you�ll wake up in your underwear on the school front lawn.
[Ext. view, Jimbo�s Guns.]
JIMBO: Hey, Ned! Turn the TV on.
NED: Mmmm...OK...mmmmm.
[Int. view, Jimbo�s Guns. Jimbo is behind the counter. Ned goes over to a TV mounted on the wall and turns it on.]
JIMBO: Damn! I love that Garth Jenkins� Big Time Huntin� Spree! It�s almost as good as our show, Ned.
NED: Mmmm...But he�s not on public access...mmmmm.
JIMBO: (Dejectedly.) Shut up, Ned.
[Cut to the TV screen. A big, cheesy graphic that reads, �Garth Jenkins� Big Time Huntin� Spree� fades in for a few seconds and then fades out. Garth Jenkins walks on screen. He�s a huge guy in hip waders, a red and black flannel shirt, and a Day-Glo orange vest and cap.]
GARTH: Howdy, y�all. We�come t�another ep�sode o� Garth Jenkins� Big Time Huntin� Spree. I�m yer host, Garth Jenkins. Today, we�s gonna go out and kill some stuff with the help o� our good buddy, Ted Nugent. Ted, come on out here!
[Ted Nugent walks on screen.]
TED NUGENT: Hey, Garth.
GARTH: Ted, always a pleasure ta have ya on th� show. Now, Ted, you an� me was out huntin� th�other day an� we had one helluva time.
TED NUGENT: You said it, Garth.
GARTH: For those o� you at home, we got a clip. Hey, Jerry! Roll that clip o� me and the Nuge out huntin�!
[A clip fades in. We see a nice sort of open forest type area. There�s no one in sight. After a little while, a deer casually walks into the scene and starts grazing underneath one of the trees.]
GARTH: (Off screen.) Now, Nuge!
[The deer looks up just as Ted Nugent leaps out of the tree the deer is under and lands on its back. He grabs hold of its antler and the deer starts bucking for dear life. Ted Nugent wrestles it to the ground. He pulls a toothpick out of his mouth and bores it into one of the deer�s temples, killing it.]
GARTH: (Off screen.) Nice work, Nuge!
[Garth jumps out of the tree and joins Ted Nugent at the deer carcass. The clip fades away and is replaced by Garth and Ted Nugent again.]
GARTH: Well, y�all know what came next. T�add th� strength o� deer t�our own, we cut it�s throat and drank the blood. Right, Nuge?
TED NUGENT: Mmm, salty!
GARTH: We�ll be right back after a word from our sponsor.
[Garth�s show fades away. A commercial for �Garth Jenkins� Big Time Family Eats� fades in.]
GARTH: Howdy, y�all. I�m Garth Jenkins, master killer of stuff. I�m invitin� each an� ev�ry one o� ya t�come on down t�my family restaurant, Garth Jenkins� Big Time Family Eats. An� remember, ev�ry animal in my restaurant you eat was killed by me person�ly!
[Cut back to Jimbo and Ned.]
NED: Mmmm...Ted Nugent is God...mmmmm.
JIMBO: Ned, that gives me an idea. Why don�t we open up a restaurant here in South Park?
NED: Mmmm...What about Jimmy�s Buffet...mmmm?
JIMBO: Hell, Ned, I�m talkin� about stuff no else can offer.
NED: Mmmm...What do you have in mind...mmmm?
[Ext. view, Stan�s house.]
ANNOUNCER: And now back to Terrance and Phillip!
[Int. view, Stan�s house. The kids are sitting on the couch, with the exception of Kenny who is on the floor because Wendy is sitting in his spot.]
[Cut to a shot of the TV. Terrance and Phillip is on. They are sitting on the couch, as usual.]
TERRANCE: Oh, Phillip?
PHILLIP: Yes, Terrance?
TERRANCE: Do you remember that bug I swallowed yesterday whilst we were riding our bicycles?
PHILLIP: I sure do, Terrance!
TERRANCE: I think it�s trying to get out! Would you like to see?
PHILLIP: Oh, yes, Terrance!
[Terrance stands up on the couch and bends over so his ass is in Phillip�s face.]
TERRANCE: Do you see it yet, Phillip?
PHILLIP: Not yet, Terrance. Perhaps this requires a closer inspection. I�d better get closer.
CARTMAN: (Off screen.) Uh-oh. Don�t do it, Phillip!
TERRANCE: I can feel it coming out, Phillip!
PHILLIP: Where is it, Terrance?
[Terrance farts in Phillip�s face. The both laugh.]
[Cut back to the kids. They�re all laughing.]
KYLE: Dude! He farted right on him again!
ANNOUNCER: (On TV.) We�ll be right back after this word from our sponsor.
[Cut back to the TV. The Terrance and Phillip logo fades away and a commercial fades in.]
COMMERCIAL ANNOUNCER: The majestic American bald eagle...
[Shot of a bald eagle soaring overhead. It gets shot out of the sky.]
COMMERCIAL ANNOUNCER: ...The Siberian tiger...
[Shot of a Siberian tiger roaming through a snow field. It gets shot several times and falls to the ground in a pool of blood.]
COMMERCIAL ANNOUNCER: ...The condor...
[Shot of a condor coming in to roost at its nest. It gets shot and falls over into the nest. A pair of hands comes into the shot. One hand grabs the dead condor by the nest; the other grabs several eggs out of the nest.]
COMMERCIAL ANNOUNCER: ...Baby seals...
[Shot of a completely adorable baby seal looking at the camera with its big, brown eyes. A club comes into the shot and bludgeons the baby seal to death.]
COMMERCIAL ANNOUNCER: ...They can all be found here...
[A shot of a really fancy restaurant fades in. Jimbo walks out of the front doors and walks up to the camera.]
JIMBO: That�s right! It�s the Endangered Species Caf�! We don�t serve anything that isn�t on the endangered species list! Ever had a hankerin� for some condor eggs? We�ve got �em! How about a genuine tiger burger? We�ve got those, too! Hell, if it�s in danger of being wiped off the face of the earth and it walks, crawls, swims, or flies, we�ve got it! So, come on down to the Endangered Species Caf�!
COMMERCIAL ANNOUNCER: Opens this Friday night.
[Cut back to the kids.]
CARTMAN: Damn! Ah am gonna be there Friday night, you gahs. This is mah sacred quest.
WENDY: Stan, wasn�t that your uncle?
STAN: Yeah.
WENDY: (Screaming.) What the Hell does he think he�s doing!?
CARTMAN: Oh, great. Stan�s little tree-huggin� hippie girlfriend is at it again.
WENDY: Doesn�t your uncle know what he�s doing to the planet!? By endorsing the killing of endangered species, he�s slowly destroying our beautiful planet! He...
CARTMAN: God! Shut up!
STAN: Dude! Don�t tell Wendy to shut up!
CARTMAN: Oh! Here comes Stan on his little whaht horse to save his little hippie girlfriend again!
WENDY: I�m going organize a protest to see that that restaurant never opens!
[Wendy storms out of the scene, then walks back in.]
WENDY: I almost forgot.
[Wendy punches Cartman.]
CARTMAN: Ay! I�ll kick your hippie bitch ass!
WENDY: Bye, Stan.
[Wendy kisses Stan on the cheek and walks out. Stan holds his mouth closes and waves frantically until she leaves. Once we hear Stan�s front door open and close, Stan turns to the side of the couch and barfs.]
STAN: Guys, we�ve got to help Wendy.
KYLE: OK, Stan. We�ll help. Tiger burgers don�t really sound that good, anyway.
CARTMAN: Speak for yourself, Jew Boy! You�re just sayin� that �cause you don� think tiger are kosher!
KYLE: Come on, Cartman! We�d help your girlfriend out if you ever had one!
STAN: She�s not my girlfriend, Kyle!
KYLE: Right, Stan. Whatever. What do you say, Cartman?
CARTMAN: Well, Ah suppose...Ay! Wait just a Goddamn minute! What do you mean �if Ah ever had one�!?
[Int. view, The Endangered Species Caf�. Jimbo and Ned are getting ready inside. Both of them are wearing tuxedos.]
JIMBO: Everything has to be perfect, Ned. We can�t let our restaurant fail on the first night!
[Ned looks out the front doors.]
NED: Mmmmm...Jimbo, I think you better have a look at this...mmmmm.
[Jimbo goes to the front doors and looks out. We switch to his point of view and see Wendy and the boys have formed a picket line outside, carrying placards bearing �Save the Earth� type messages.]
JIMBO: Goddammit! Well, there�s only one thing to do, Ned.
NED: Mmmmm...The sniper�s nest...mmmmmm?
JIMBO: Yep. The sniper�s nest.
[Dramatic chord.]
[Int. view, the sniper�s nest. Jimbo is setting up a high-powered rifle with a scope and silencer. He finishes and gets himself in position, looking through the scope. We see Wendy in the crosshairs.]
JIMBO: I�ve got you now, you little...
[Stan walks into the crosshairs.]
JIMBO: Stanley!?
[Jimbo jerks back in surprise and accidentally fires. The bullet ricochets off the sidewalk by Kenny�s feet. Kenny pulls his hood shut and looks around nervously.]
NED: Mmmmm...Why didn�t you shoot...mmmmm?
JIMBO: That�s my nephew Stanley down there, Ned. I can�t just kill one of his friends. I�ll have to try something else.
[Ext. view, The Endangered Species Caf�. The kids are still picketing. Jimbo comes outside.]
JIMBO: Excuse me, little girl? We just got a phone call from your mother. She wants you to go home right away.
WENDY: OK. Stan, you guys keep the picket line going, all right?
STAN: I don�t know, Wendy. How long are we going to be at this?
WENDY: As long as it takes, Stan. See you later.
[Wendy walks off.]
JIMBO: Why don�t you boys take a break and come inside?
[The kids look at each other, then at their placards, and then back to Jimbo.]
STAN: OK.
[They all drop their placards and go inside.]
[Ext. view. South Park sidewalk. Wendy is walking along. Suddenly, she stops.]
WENDY: Hey! My mom is out of town on business! Oh no!
[Wendy runs back to The Endangered Species Caf�. She sees the boys� placards and runs inside. Just as she spots them sitting at a table, a waiter comes to the table and sets down several tiger burgers. Stan picks his up and is about to bite into it.]
WENDY: Nooooooo!
[Cut to commercial.]
[Int. view, The Endangered Species Caf�. Wendy charges in and knocks the tiger burger out of Stan�s hands.]
STAN: Dude! What the Hell are you doing, Wendy!?
WENDY: How could you, Stan!? You know how much this means and you were still going to eat a tiger burger!
STAN: Wendy, I�
CARTMAN: Um, excuse me, Little Miss Hippie Bitch, we were just about to eat hya, so go the f*ck away.
[The waiter returns to the table with a drink in his hand.]
WAITER: (To Cartman.) Your iced tea, sir.
CARTMAN: Damn! It�s about f*ckin� time!
[The waiter leaves.]
KYLE: Jesus, Cartman!
CARTMAN: What?
KYLE: That�s like your eighth iced tea since we�ve been here!
CARTMAN: So?
WENDY: Stan, I thought I could trust you. I guess I know better now. Good-bye, Stan.
[Wendy leaves.]
STAN: Wendy, come back! Wendy, I�m sorry!
CARTMAN: Just let her go, Stan. Just let her go.
STAN: No, dammit, I won�t let her go! I f*cked up her and I�ve got to fix things!
[Stan gets up and leaves. Cartman�s eyes suddenly go wide and he starts squirming around in his seat.]
CARTMAN: Uh, you gahs, do you know where the restroom is?
KYLE: Why?
CARTMAN: Well, you know�Ah kinda hafta go.
[Cartman�s eyes slowly turn yellow and he squirms more.]
KENNY: Mnmnmnmm nmmnm nmnm nmn n mnmnmn mnmnmn!
CARTMAN: Um...is ahced tea supposta be tangy?
KYLE: No. Dude! This must be what they mean when they say you have to go so bad you can taste it!
CARTMAN: Ah need to get to the restroom, lahke, right now, dammit!
KYLE: Then go, you retard!
CARTMAN: Screw you!
[Cartman leaves the table and starts looking around for the restroom. Cartman spots the waiter and goes up to him.]
CARTMAN: Excuse me, Sir? Where is the restroom.
WAITER: (Pointing.) It�s right over there. But it�s not open yet.
CARTMAN: What the Hell kinda restaurant is open but doesn�t have a f*ckin� workin� restroom!?
[Cartman turns to walk away.]
WAITER: (Off screen.) Hey! The radio�s working now!
[Cartman stands there, cocking his head so he can hear the radio. Suddenly, his eyes go wide.]
CARTMAN: Dear God no.
[The radio gets louder. We can hear that the song playing is �Can�t Fight This Feeling� by REO Speedwagon.]
CARTMAN: (Straining.) Must...fight. Must not...go...
[Cut back to the table. Kenny is eating his tiger burger. He finishes, burps and turns to Kyle.]
KENNY: Mmnmnn nmmnnmnm mnmn?
KYLE: No, you can have it, Kenny.
[Kenny takes Kyle�s tiger burger.]
KENNY: Mmnmn!
[Cartman comes back to the table. His eyes are white again and his shoes are squishing. There�s a wet trail behind him. Kyle and Kenny start laughing.]
KYLE: Did you make it to the restroom, Cartman?
CARTMAN: Oh, lahke you never peed your pants!
KYLE: Not since I was potty trained!
KENNY: Mnmn nmmnmn mnmmn mnmmnmn!
[Kyle and Kenny laugh again.]
CARTMAN: Goddamn, Ah hate you, Kenny.
[Int. view, South Park Elementary cafeteria. The kids are in line for lunch.]
KYLE: Hey, Stan, have you talked to Wendy since yesterday?
STAN: No. I tried calling her but her dad just said she didn�t want to talk to me.
CARTMAN: Well, you know what they say: Hippie come, hippie go.
KYLE: Who the Hell says that!?
CARTMAN: Ay! Ah�m just tryin� ta help hya!
STAN: Cartman, your helping isn�t helping any. Just shut up!
[Wendy and Bebe get in line behind the boys. Stan moves to the back to try to talk to Wendy.]
STAN: Wendy, I�m sorry.
BEBE: Wendy can�t hear you, Stan.]
STAN: What are talking about?
KYLE: Yeah! She�s right there! How can she not hear him?
BEBE: What I mean is Wendy isn�t talking to you, Stan.
STAN: Oh. OK. C-could you just tell her that I�m really sorry and I didn�t mean to let her down like I did?
BEBE: I guess so.
STAN: Thanks.
[The boys move up in line to where Chef is.]
CHEF: Hello, children!
STAN, KYLE, CARTMAN, AND KENNY: Hey, Chef!
CHEF: How are things doing?
STAN: Bad.
CHEF: Why bad?
STAN: I really screwed up and now Wendy won�t talk to me.
CHEF: Oh, children! That�s not always a bad thing!
STAN: It�s not?
KYLE: What do you mean?
CHEF: Well, children, sometimes the best thing that can happen to a man is when a woman won�t talk to him. Like when he�s worried she might be...um...carrying something around inside her a few months after they�ve made sweet love.
KYLE: Down by the fire?
CHEF: That�s right!
STAN: Oh, I see now. Thanks, Chef!
CHEF: No problem, children.
[Chef gives the boys their food and the boys go to sit down.]
[Int. view, The Endangered Species Caf�. Mr. and Mrs. Marsh are sitting at a table.]
MRS. MARSH: Oh, Randy! I�m so glad you brought me here!
MR. MARSH: Well, I heard the baby seal steaks here are the best.
[A waiter comes to their table.]
SANCHO: (In a Latin accent.) Hello. I am Sancho. I will be your waiter this evening. I hope to make your Sancho experience a very pleasant one for it would greatly injure Sancho in his heart to know that Sancho was responsible for you fine people having a bad Sancho experience. What may Sancho get for you?
MRS. MARSH: (Looking at the menu.) Oh, I can�t decide. Can you recommend anything?
SANCHO: (In a Latin accent.) Sancho would recommend the giant panda sanchos.
MR. MARSH: Hey, that sounds pretty good! We�ll have two of those.
SANCHO: (In a Latin accent.) Two giant panda sanchos. Sancho thanks you.
[Sancho leaves their table.]
[Ext. view, Stan�s house.]
SHELLY: Hey, twerp!
[Int. view, Stan�s room. Stan is laying down on his bed with his face to the wall. Shelly is standing just inside his door. She is wearing a halo to keep her neck from moving.]
SHELLY: Are you tharing at my halo?
[Stan doesn�t respond.]
SHELLY: I thaid, �Are you tharing at my halo?�
STAN: Go away, Shelly.
SHELLY: Ooo. You�re gonna get it now, Thtan!
[Shelly grabs Stan off the bed and throws him out the window.]
[Ext. view, Stan�s house. Stan gets up out of the snow, brushes himself off, and walks away.]
[Ext. view, Chef�s house. Stan is walking up the sidewalk. He goes up to the front door and rings the doorbell. Chef answers the door.]
CHEF: Hello, children!
STAN: (Flatly.) Hey, Chef.
CHEF: Oh, now, what�s the matter, children?
STAN: I don�t know, Chef. I�m just feeling really bad because Wendy won�t talk to me.
CHEF: Hmmm...Let me get this straight: You want her to talk to you again, right?
STAN: Yeah.
CHEF: Well, what did you do that pissed her off so bad?
STAN: I just went inside my Uncle Jimbo�s stupid restaurant and I was going to have a burger and she went nuts!
CHEF: Well, I�d have to say that the best way to make it up to her would be to never go in that restaurant again.
STAN: Hey, yeah! Or make sure that no one ever goes in there again! Thanks, Chef!
[Stan turns and walks down the sidewalk.]
CHEF: No problem, children!
[Ext. view, Kyle�s house. Stan is walking up the sidewalk. He gets to the front door and rings the doorbell. Kyle answers.]
KYLE: Hey, Stan.
STAN: Hey.
[Stan goes inside and Kyle closes the door.]
[Int. view Kyle�s room. Stan, Kyle, and Ike are there.]
STAN: So, that�s my plan. What do you think?
KYLE: I don�t know, Stan. It sounds kind of illegal.
STAN: No, dude. It�ll be OK, trust me.
KYLE: All right. What do we need to do?
STAN: First, we call Cartman and Kenny. Then, I�ll call me Uncle Jimbo and get the stuff we need.
[Stan, Kyle, and Ike go into Kyle�s living room. Mr. Brofslovski is sitting on the couch, reading the newspaper.]
KYLE: Hey, Dad? I need to use the phone.
MR. BROFSLOVSKI: Uh-huh.
[Kyle picks up the phone and dials. The scene goes to split-screen between Kyle�s house and Cartman�s house. Mrs. Cartman answers the phone.]
MRS. CARTMAN: 1-900-HOT-LICK. How can I make you feel good today?
KYLE: Uh...may I speak with Cartman?
MRS. CARTMAN: Oh, sure! Hold on.
[Mrs. Cartman sets the phone down and leaves the scene. We can hear some unintelligible mumblings that sound like Cartman and Mrs. Cartman in the background.]
MRS. CARTMAN: (Off screen and somewhat mumbled.) Don�t be difficult, Eric!
[Cartman comes into the scene and picks up the phone.]
CARTMAN: This had better be super f*ckin� coo�! Ah was just watchin� Fat Abbot!
[Kyle�s side of the split-screen disappears so that we only see Cartman now.]
CARTMAN: (Into the phone.) Uh-huh. OK. Killer. Super killer! What? Whah the Hell should Ah call Kenny, dammit!? He doesn�t even have a f*ckin� phone! Oh, go bah and get him!? Weak!
[Cartman hangs up the phone.]
CARTMAN: (Shouting.) Mom! Ah�m goin� over ta Kenny�s house so Ah can get that poor piece of sh*t and go to that dirty Jew Kyle�s house!
MRS. CARTMAN: (Off screen.) All right, Eric! Have fun!
[Int. view, Kyle�s living room. Kyle hangs up the phone.]
STAN: OK, now to call my Uncle Jimbo.
[Stan picks up the phone and dials. The scene goes split-screen between Kyle�s house and The Endangered Species Caf�. Jimbo comes into the scene and answers the phone.]
JIMBO: Endangered Species Caf�. This is Jimbo. How can I help you?
STAN: Uncle Jimbo, this is Stan.
JIMBO: Stanley! How the Hell are ya?
STAN: I�m fine. Listen, Uncle Jimbo, I need to borrow some stuff from your guns store.
[Stan�s part of the split screen goes away so all we can see is Jimbo�s side.]
JIMBO: Oh, sure, Stanley. Just go in the back door. What are you going to use it for? You�re goin� huntin� again!? Oh, Stanley, I�m so proud of you! Take all you need and have fun!
[Jimbo hangs up the phone.]
[Int. view, Kyle�s house. Stan hangs up the phone.]
STAN: OK, now all we have to do is wait for Cartman and Kenny.
[The doorbell rings.]
KYLE: That must be them!
[Kyle and Stan answer the door. Cartman and Kenny are on the front step.]
KYLE: Dude, that was fast! I though Kenny lived on the other side of town from you Cartman?
CARTMAN: Yeah, he does but Ah found him diggin� around in mah trash when Ah was leavin� mah house.
[Kenny punches Cartman in the face.]
CARTMAN: Ay! W-whoa!
[Cartman starts flailing his arms wildly and falls off the front step. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny laugh.]
KYLE: Come in, you guys. We just need one more thing.
[Kenny goes inside. Cartman gets up and goes inside.]
CARTMAN: (Under his breath.) Ah hope you dah, Kenny McCormick.
[Int. view, Kyle� living room. Mr. Brofslovski is still sitting on the couch. Ike is jumping up and down underneath an end table, hitting his head each time.]
KYLE: Hey, Ike? Can we borrow your wagon?
IKE: E huf me boom outs.
CARTMAN: What the Hell did he just say?
KYLE: He said we can use his wagon.
STAN: Killer! Let�s go!
[Ext. view, South Park Main Street. Cartman is pulling Stan, Kyle, and Kenny in the wagon.]
CARTMAN: (Straining.) Kill...you gahs...
STAN: Shut up, Cartman!
KYLE: Yeah! The more you talk, the less air your fat ass has to breathe and we go slower!
[Cartman stops pulling the wagon.]
CARTMAN: All right, listen! Whah the f*ck am Ah the one who hasta be pullin� this piece o� sh*t wagon around!?
KYLE: Well, who else would do it, retard!?
CARTMAN: Whah not Kenny; he�s nice and lean?
KENNY: Mnm nmmnmn mnmnmn nmnnmnm, Mnmnmn!
CARTMAN: You son-of-a-bitch! Ah�ll kill you!
[Stan pulls out a club-like thing and hits Cartman on the head. Cartman�s eyes get big and small repeatedly.]
[Ext. view, the backdoor of Jimbo�s Guns. There are tons of empty beer cans in the alley. The boys are there along with wagon. Stan is searching around in the beer cans for something.]
CARTMAN: Hey, Kenny! This kinda looks lahke your house only nicer!
STAN: (Holding up a beer can.) I found it!
KYLE: What?
STAN: Uncle Jimbo�s fake beer can that he keeps the backdoor key in!
[Stan opens the fake beer can and gets a key out. He uses the key to unlock the backdoor and opens it.]
STAN: OK, everybody inside! Bring the wagon, too!
[They all go inside and take the wagon with them.]
[Cut to commercial.]
[Ext. view, South Park Main Street. The boys are walking along. Cartman is pulling the wagon behind him again. The wagon has something in it, covered by a sheet. Officer Barbrady pulls up in his cruiser.]
OFFICER BARBRADY: Hello, boys.
STAN, KYLE, CARTMAN, AND KENNY: Hi, Officer Barbrady.
OFFICER BARBRADY: What�s in the wagon?
STAN: Um...Nothing.
OFFICER BARBRADY: Nothing, eh? That sounds pretty suspicious to me!
[Officer Barbrady gets out of his cruiser and walks over to the wagon. He lifts the sheet up and looks underneath. The camera switches to his point of view. We can see several boxes marked �C4 � Highly Explosive� under the sheet. Officer Barbrady looks at the boys, at the boxes, and back at the boys. He puts the sheet back down.]
OFFICER BARBRADY: Carry on.
[Officer Barbrady gets back in his cruiser and drives away.]
[Int. view, The Endangered Species Caf� kitchen. There is a deliveryman there. Jimbo is looking into a animal crate.]
JIMBO: Looks good...Hey! What the Hell is this!?
[Jimbo opens the crate and a komodo dragon, with corrective dental headgear on, slowly crawls out.]
DELIVERYMAN: Oh, that. His teeth were coming in crooked so we put him in braces.
JIMBO: How long will he have to have this thing on?
DELIVERYMAN: About three more months.
JIMBO: Three more months!? I can�t serve him like this! The customers wouldn�t go for it! Take him back until you take those damn braces off.
DELIVERYMAN: Can�t do that. We�ve got a no return policy on stolen zoo animals.
[The deliveryman leaves.]
JIMBO: Dammit.
[The komodo dragon starts crawling along on the floor, dragging its head to one side.]
[Ext. view, South Park Main Street. Cartman is still dragging the wagon behind him. Kenny is now riding on top of the covered boxes.]
CARTMAN: Hey, you gahs? Whah the Hell does Kenny get to rahde on the wagon!?
KYLE: Because we need someone to make sure none of the boxes fall out of the wagon.
CARTMAN: Then whah the f*ck can�t Ah be the one to rahde!?
STAN: Because your fat ass would crush the boxes, that�s why.
CARTMAN: Ay!
[Cartman starts to rush Stan, still dragging the wagon behind him. The camera zooms in on a pebble on the sidewalk. One of the wagon�s wheels hits the pebble. The camera pans back to show that Kenny and a couple of the boxes are wobbling.]
KYLE: Cartman! Stop!
[Cartman stops dead in his tracks. Kenny and two of the boxes fall off the wagon, on the side we can�t see. Stan and Kyle duck and cover. Nothing happens.]
STAN: Huh?
[Kenny walks out from behind the wagon, holding the two boxes.]
KYLE: Dude! Kenny saved our lives!
STAN: And Cartman almost killed us! Cartman, would you come here, please, and leave the wagon.
CARTMAN: (Letting go of the wagon.) About f*ckin� time. What, Stan?
STAN: You son-of-a-bitch!
[Stan tackles Cartman and starts choking him on the sidewalk. Stan�s grandpa rolls up in his wheelchair.]
STAN�S GRANDPA: Oh, I see! You�ll kill your little porker friend there but you won�t kill me, Billy! Well, f*ck you! See if you�re in my will anymore!
[Stan stops choking Cartman. Stan�s grandpa leaves.]
STAN: Damn. I can�t kill a bunny and I can�t kill Cartman, either.
[Stan gets off of Cartman. He and Cartman stand back up.]
STAN: I�m sorry, Cartman.
CARTMAN: Well, Ah should hope so!
STAN: You are such an asshole, Cartman!
CARTMAN: What!?
KYLE: Dude, Stan just apologized to you and you were a complete dick about it!
CARTMAN: But he�
KYLE: Cartman! Get your lard ass back there and pull that wagon again! Kenny, put the boxes back and get back up there.
[Kenny puts the boxes back on the wagon and climbs up on top. Cartman starts pulling the wagon again and the boys continue on down the sidewalk.]
CARTMAN: (Singing.) Swing low, swee� chariot, comin� for ta carry me home�
KYLE: Cartman, shut the f*ck up, Goddammit!
[Int. view, The Endangered Species Caf�. Mr. and Mrs. Brofslovski are sitting at a table, looking at the menu.]
MRS. BROFSLOVSKI: What are you going to have, Dear?
MR. BROFSLOVSKI: Well, the filet of rhinoceros sounds pretty good to me. What about you?
MRS. BROFSLOVSKI: I think I�ll have the elephant ribs.
[Sancho comes to the table.]
SANCHO: (In a Latin accent.) Hello. I am Sancho. I will be your waiter this evening. I hope to make your Sancho experience a very pleasant one for it would greatly injure Sancho in his heart to know that Sancho was responsible for you fine people having a bad Sancho experience. What may Sancho get for you?
MR. BROFSLOVSKI: I�ll have the filet of rhinoceros and my wife will have the elephant ribs.
SANCHO: Sancho applauds your wonderful choices. Sancho will be right back.
[Sancho leaves the table.]
[Ext. view, the back of The Endangered Species Caf�. The boys, with the wagon in tow, come into the scene.]
STAN: OK. Now, we just need to get inside.
KYLE: Well, how are we going to do that?
STAN: Hmm�I�ve got it! Kenny, come here!
[Kenny goes over to Stan.]
STAN: Now, just hold still�
[Stan picks up a rock, hides it behind his back, and knocks on the delivery door. A cook answers the door.]
COOK: Yes?
STAN: (Pointing to Kenny.) Um�I�m here to deliver the world�s last orange pelted chimpanlizard.
KENNY: Mmnmnmn?
COOK: Oh, good! I�ll take it.
[The cook grabs Kenny.]
KENNY: Mmnmnm mnmmnm, mnmmn-mnmn!
[The cook hands Stan some money.]
COOK: Thanks, kid.
[The cook goes back inside and the door starts to close. Stan takes his rock out and puts it between the door and doorjamb, keeping the door open.]
STAN: OK. Let�s go.
[The boys go inside, with the wagon.]
[Int. view, The Endangered Species Caf� kitchen. There are various cooking utensils, stoves, cooking ranges, spices, and hanging, skinned animals in the kitchen. The cook is putting Kenny up on a cutting board and sharpening a cleaver.]
KYLE: (Whispering.) Dude! We�ve got to save Kenny!
CARTMAN: (Whispering.) Ah�ve got an ahdea.
[Cartman casually strolls out into the main kitchen area. The cook takes notice and slams the cleaver down right by Kenny�s head.]
COOK: Who are you?
CARTMAN: Well, Ah�m the health inspector and you�ve got an orange pelted chimpanthingy there.
COOK: So?
CARTMAN: So, those f*ckin� things are covered in lice and other parasites, dammit! You and your whole staff get the Hell outta hya while Ah check to make sure this kitchen is clean!
COOK: But�
[Cartman grabs a rolling pin off a nearby table. He goes over to the cook and whacks him in the shins with the rolling pin.]
CARTMAN: Respect mah authoriah!
COOK: Ow! You little mother�
CARTMAN: (Waving the rolling pin.) Ah wouldn�t do anythin� rash nya.
COOK: Fine. (Yelling to the other kitchen staff.) Let�s get outta here for a while, guys!
[The entire kitchen staff rushes out of the kitchen. In the rush, someone knocks a bottle of liquid meat tenderizer onto Kenny.]
KENNY: Mnnmmnm?
[Kenny�s flesh starts melting from the tenderizer.]
KENNY: Mnmmnmn!!
STAN: Dude! Kenny�s melting!
KYLE: Kenny! Run into the freezer; it�ll stop you from melting!
[Kenny runs into the freezer and slams the door shut. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman just stand there for a few seconds.]
STAN: I think we can let him out now.
[Cartman opens the freezer door. Kenny is now blue and mostly frozen.]
KYLE: Kenny! Are you OK?
KENNY: M�mnmnm�mn.
STAN: Dude, we�d better thaw him out.
KYLE: Totally.
[Stan and Cartman gets Kenny out of the freezer and set him up on a table. Kyle starts up one of the burners on one of the ranges.]
STAN: Cartman, start to unload the boxes while Kyle and I keep an eye on Kenny.
CARTMAN: Whah the f*ck do Ah hafta do it!?
KYLE: Fine. You watch Kenny while Stan and I unload the wagon.
[Stan and Kyle go to unload the wagon.]
CARTMAN: Damn straight.
[Cartman leans on the table Kenny is sitting on. The table suddenly shifts and Kenny falls into a meat grinder, head first. Cartman tries to get him out but, in trying to pull himself up onto the table, hits the �On� switch on the grinder. Kenny screams and a spray of blood shoots out of the grinder. The ground up bits of Kenny fall onto a plate. Cartman looks around nervously. He picks the plate up, sets in the serving window, and hits the bell in the window.]
CARTMAN: Uh�Order up!
[Sancho comes to the window and gets the plate. Cartman goes back over the by the table. Stan and Kyle return to the table.]
STAN: Hey, where�s Kenny?
CARTMAN: Um�he said he was gonna start puttin� some of that stuff around.
KYLE: What stuff?
CARTMAN: The stuff in the wagon.
STAN: Dude, we just came from the wagon and we didn�t see him.
CARTMAN: Oh�uh�well, that�s �cause he�uh�didn�t want you to see him.
STAN: Oh.
KYLE: OK, we need to get everyone out of here.
STAN: Right. We don�t want anyone getting hurt.
[Cut to one of the tables in the restaurant. Mr. Garrison is eating the plate of Kenny. Cut back to the boys.]
STAN: Kyle, you start putting that C4 stuff all around in here.
KYLE: Right.
STAN: Cartman, you break the gas line to one of the stoves.
CARTMAN: Sweet.
STAN: I�ll go find my Uncle Jimbo and tell him that there�s a gas leak in the kitchen. Then, he�ll have to have everybody leave the restaurant.
[Kyle and Cartman go about their work. The komodo dragon crawls over behind Cartman and hisses at him. Cartman doesn�t notice it.]
CARTMAN: Shut up, Kyle! Ah�m tryin� to break this Goddamn gas lahne and you�re distractin� me!
KYLE: Dude, that�s not me.
CARTMAN: Then, who the Hell is�
[Cartman turns around and sees the komodo dragon. It hisses at him again. Cartman slowly reaches off screen and brings the rolling pin back into the scene. He hits the komodo dragon in the head with the rolling pin, knocking it out.]
CARTMAN: Respect mah authoritah, you Goddamn reptahle!
[Cartman turns back to the gas line and whacks it with the rolling pin, breaking it. An angry hiss of gas comes out.]
KYLE: I�m all done, Cartman! Let�s get out of here!
[Kyle and Cartman run out the back door.]
[Int. view, The Endangered Species Caf�, near the front door. Jimbo is just inside, waiting to greet customers as they come in. Stan runs up to Jimbo.]
STAN: Uncle Jimbo! Uncle Jimbo!
JIMBO: Well, hi, Stanley! What can I do ya for?
STAN: Uncle Jimbo, there�s a gas leak in the kitchen!
JIMBO: Dammit! OK, Stanley, you get outside and call the fire department. I�ll tell everyone they need to leave right away.
STAN: Right, Uncle Jimbo.
[Stan runs outside. Jimbo goes into the main dining area.]
JIMBO: Folks, we�ve got a minor gas leak in the kitchen, so I�m afraid I�ll have to ask you all to go outside for your own safety.
[All the patrons and Jimbo go outside.]
[Ext. view, The Endangered Species Caf�. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman are there. Jimbo and the customers come outside. Jimbo goes over to Stan.]
JIMBO: Did you call the fire department, Stanley?
STAN: Yeah, they�re on their way.
KYLE: (Whispering to Stan.) Dude, did you put a detonator on any of that C4 stuff?
STAN: (Whispering to Kyle.) No.
KYLE: (Whispering to Stan.) How�s that stuff going to go off, then?
[Int. view, The Endangered Species Caf� kitchen. The komodo dragon comes to. It starts to crawl away, dragging its head to one side. Its braces create a spark on the floor.]
[Ext. view, The Endangered Species Caf�. The whole thing goes up in a small mushroom cloud.]
STAN: Where�s Kenny?
KYLE: He must�ve still been in there!
STAN: Oh, my God! They�ve killed Kenny!
KYLE: You bastards!
CARTMAN: (Looking around nervously.) Heh, yeah. Bastards.
[Cut to commercial.]
[Ext. view, the bus stop. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman are there.]
KYLE: Hey, Stan, was your uncle pissed off about his restaurant blowing up?
STAN: No, he said it was insured for millions. He seemed pretty happy about it, actually.
CARTMAN: That was such a stupid ass plan, Stan! Where the Hell am Ah gonna get mah specialty food from now!?
KYLE: What kind of specialty food?
CARTMAN: Mountain gorilla jerky. Once you�ve had it, there�s no goin� back.
[Wendy and Bebe walk up to the bus stop.]
CARTMAN: Aw, Jesus! Ah�m getting� outta here before Stan�s little hippie girlfriend gets all bitchy!
[Cartman leaves.]
BEBE: Hi, Kyle.
[Kyle looks around.]
KYLE: (Yelling after Cartman.) Hey, Cartman! I�m coming, too! Wait up!
[Kyle leaves.]
BEBE: (To Wendy.) I�m going, too; I don�t want to miss seeing that sweet ass of Kyle�s in front of me!
[Bebe leaves.]
STAN: So�um�
WENDY: So�
STAN: Wendy, I�m�
WENDY: No, Stan. Let me go first: I�m�I�m sorry about your Uncle Jimbo�s restaurant. What happened?
STAN: We blew it up.
WENDY: What!? Why?
STAN: You were so mad at me just for going in there I didn�t know what I could do to make things OK again. So, I made sure that no one could ever go in there again.
WENDY: Oh, Stan! I can�t believe that you would commit an act of terrorism just for me!
STAN: You�re still pissed off at me, aren�t you?
WENDY: No! That�s the most romantic thing I�ve ever heard of!
STAN: It is!?
WENDY: Yes! You really do care about my feelings, Stan!
[Wendy hugs Stan. Stan holds it in for a few seconds and then barfs on Wendy�s back.]
STAN: Sorry.
WENDY: It�s all right, Stan! Everything�s all right!
STAN: �Kay. Would you let go me now?
[Roll credits. Instead of the usual song, it�s REO Speedwagon�s �Can�t Fight This Feeling.�]