Crazy: A Screwed-Up Love Story
by Andi ~ The Author Formerly Known as Wendy T.! [strikes some cheesy, 80's type model pose]
(OK guys, this one has a few mushy parts, so be warned!)
CARTMAN: [snorts] That's what you get when you leave a crack-smokin', lap dancin', hoe with too much time on her hands to write a story!
(Wow, Cartman.. That *almost* made sense!)
CARTMAN: Really?!
(No.)
CARTMAN: [pissed] Well.. Well... [pauses] Screw you gahs, ah'm goin' home.
(Why did I have a feeling he was going to say that?)
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
[Warnings and theme song.]
[Outside shot of the Bean house. Pan inside to show a *very* pissed off Nora arguing with Mrs.Bean.]
NORA: I don't believe this!
MRS.BEAN: Dear, it's only for a little while.
NORA: [crosses arms in front of her chest] I mean, I *know* I'm pretty damn annoying at times, but you're abandoning me so YOUNG! I'm only eight, I'm not fully matured yet! You're emotionally scarring your only daughter for life! How could you?!
MRS.BEAN: Watch your language, Noranna. And stop over-reacting. It's only for about a year, until your father and I pick out a nice little house in Tennessee.
NORA: Oh, my God! NOO!! What the Hell did I do to deserve this?!
MRS.BEAN: [warningly] Nora--
NORA: Well, okay, maybe there's the time I set the mailman's head on fire, but that was only once! And the stupid asshole deserved it! He lost my Publisher's Clearing House form!
MRS.BEAN: [interrupting] Young lady--
NORA: [cringing] Okay, okay, twice! I admit it!
MRS.BEAN: Actually, that's not what I was going to talk about, but since you brought up the subject matter, we'll discuss it over the phone once your father and I are in Tennessee.
NORA: Well, where are you gonna leave me the whole time? In some cardboard box on the street?!
MRS.BEAN: No, you're not staying at Kenny's house--
[Mrs.Bean is interrupted by O.S. laughter, recognized as Cartman's. Kenny, also O.S., mumbles something back, and the familiar sounds of punching are then heard.]
MRS.BEAN: [annoyed; continues] You'll be staying with your Uncle Ned.
NORA: Oh.
MRS.BEAN: Now you'd better start packing your things, and bring them downstairs by the door tomorrow! Ned will be here to pick you up in the morning.
NORA: [sarcastically] The fun begins.
[Mrs.Bean exits towards the kitchen and Nora stares off in her direction, frowning.]
NORA: [mumbled] Bitch.
[She grudgingly drags herself up the stairs and into her room. She looks around, almost sadly.]
NORA: [to herself] Well, only here a couple months.. And already, look. I'm moving again. [chuckles bitterly] Yep, I should be used to it by now, though.. Moving four different places in California just for some stupid-ass job Dad can't even do right.
[Nora quietly empties out her drawers and closet into a couple of suitcases. She slowly takes down some posters of various rock groups and Terrance & Phillip, rolls them up, and stuffs them into her bookbag. She backs up her bedding into a duffel bag, and also adds the other belongings in the room. She sadly glances around, grabs her stuffed tiger doll, a frappucino, and curls up on her mattress.]
[Int. Nora's room; morning]
[Bright sunlight streams through the window. Nora yawns and shields her eyes.]
NORA: Damn, dude. It's morning already?
[She stretches and slowly climbs out of bed. She strains to drag the suitcases downstairs by herself, and bumps into her mother.]
MRS.BEAN: Let me take those.
[She gently lifts up the two suitcases and the duffel bag and walks downstairs. Nora, hugging her pillow, tiger, and frappucino bottle, carries her bookbag over her shoulder and follows silently.]
MRS.BEAN: Jimbo and Ned will carry your dresser and bed into the back of their truck. What do you want for breakfast?
NORA: [shrugs] I really don't care.
MRS.BEAN: Umm.. [hesitating] Frappucinos?
NORA: [shakes head]
MRS.BEAN: Terrance and Phillip cereal?
NORA: [shakes head again]
MRS.BEAN: [shocked] But, that's your favorite breakfast food!
NORA: [sighs] I'm really not hungry, Mom, okay? Now can I watch some TV in the living room before Uncle Ned comes to pick me up?
MRS.BEAN: Alright. [she watches Nora trudge away; whispering to herself] I wish you didn't have to make this so much harder for me..
{Corny, no? Good! This is my first attempt at a semi-serious 'fic!}
CARTMAN: Well, it sucks some serious ass!
{[picks up a Yanni CD] Don't make me use this, pal..}
CARTMAN: [gulps] I'll be good.
[Int: South Park Elementary's Cafeteria]
[Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and Cartman are eating their lunches. Well, actually, Cartman is eating his *and* Kenny's lunches, but that's besides the point. Pan over to Nora sitting at a table with Wendy and Bebe. Tweek walks over, carrying his lunch tray.]
TWEEK: H- H- Hi, N- Nora.
NORA: [spaced out; monotone voice] Hi.
TWEEK: M- Mind if I s- sit with you today?
NORA: [spaced out] No.
TWEEK: Oh, o- okay.
[He looks at Nora strangely, then shrugs and slides his tray next to hers. She hasn't eaten anything yet.]
TWEEK: W- What's wrong?
NORA: [spaced out; sadly] Nothing..
[Wendy and Bebe glance at each other.]
TWEEK: Oh. [fidgets nervously]
[The group begins to eat their lunches in silence, when Nora suddenly bursts out.]
NORA: Okay, okay, okay I can*NOT* take it anymore! My son-of-a-hoe sad excuse whore for a mother decided to ship me off with Uncle Ned and it sucks ass there and I'm not allowed to have a pet because it would get caught in a trap or somethin' or they would probably shoot it; and my room smells like gun powder; and there's all these really gross animal heads mounted in the living room, AND there's some sort of animal's *ass* on a plaque in the kitchen! Now I'm sorry, but I cannot eat with God only knows what's ass staring at me during dinner. Let alone, I seriously doubt any friends are allowed over except for Stan, because other than that they shoot almost anything that comes in walking distance of their house. [sighs, takes a deep breath.]
[Wendy and Bebe stare. Tweek's POV- He is having a fantasy about him walking over to Jimbo and Ned's to see Nora. When he approaches her, there are several loud gunshots and Jimbo and Ned pursue to kick the shit out of him.
NED: Mmmmstay away from my niece, or I'll guarantee you'll never see the light of day againmmmm! [shoots directly at Tweek]
Tweek suddenly awakes from his little daydream by screaming.]
TWEEK: Jesus, man, the pressure! Why must I be tortured like this?!
[Nora stares at him. Then, unexpectedly, she begins to cry.]
NORA: Oh, [between sobs] my God! I made my mentally-challenged friend spaz out! And he isn't even drinking any coffee right now!!... I always do *everything* wrong! [runs off, crying louder]
TWEEK: U- Uh, I'd be t- t- totally flipping out ri- right now, but I don't know what to s- say. [quietly] What's w- wrong with her, man?
BEBE: Don't worry, Tweek, it's not your fault. It's probably just her monthly waterfall.
TWEEK: H- Her what?
[Bebe rolls her eyes and mouths "loser" to Wendy. Wendy frowns at Bebe, but tries to keep from laughing.]
[Int. School playground.]
[Clyde, Craig, and Bebe are taking turns on the slide; Rebecca and Wendy are on the swings; Token and Casey are on the see-saw, and the usual gang is trying to get up a game of kickball.]
KYLE: Goddamn it, why doesn't anyone else want to play?!
CARTMAN: Don't expect God to answer, my poor, misguided Jew.
KYLE: Shut up, Fatty! Or I'll misguide this kickball so far up your ass it'll come out of your f*beep*ing nose!
[Kenny bursts into laughter. Stan scratches his head, confused. Then, our favorite coffee-holic enters the scene.]
TWEEK: H- Hey guys. [blinks] W- What are y- you doing?
STAN: Well, we're *try*ing to play kickball. [sighs] Noone else wants to, though.
TWEEK: Oh.. [stares at the ground a minute] C- Can I try?
STAN: Sure, dude.
[He backs up to pitch. Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny take the bases. Nora watches the game from the steps of the school.]
NORA: [sighing] Even Tweek can't stand me anymore.. He already found new friends; Not that I blame him- I guess I really *do* suck. [she rests her head between her hands]
[Wendy and Rebecca walk over curiously, shortly followed by Bebe.]
BEBE: Hey. What's up?
NORA: [matter-of-factly] Everyone hates me.
REBECCA: No, we don't!
NORA: You guys can stop trying to make me feel better. Tweek abandoned me, too. [she points off to Tweek playing kickball with the boys]
WENDY: Nora, you need to understand this.. I know Tweek's your best friend, but he needs to be with other guys too, sometimes. So does Stan.
NORA: Yeah, but Stan's your boyfriend.
[The other three girls exchange knowing glances.]
WENDY: Well, yeaaah, but that's not the point. I mean, it would blow really hard if you had to spend *all* of your time with Tweek, and none with us, right?
NORA: [looks up] Yeah, I guess so.. It's just that I've been really pissy about the whole moving thing, and I kinda ignored everybody today... Including him.
BEBE: So let him learn to live a little! At least now people won't think he's gay! [Nora stares at her] What?
REBECCA: And we know just what to do to help you get your mind off of him!
BEBE: I'm having a "Girls Only" slumber party at my house tonight! We can do makeovers, watch movies, all kinds of cool stuff! And, my friend Kelly can actually make it, too, since I sent her bus tickets!
WENDY: [starting to grin] Hey, yeah! Plus, we can give you a makeover to get Tweek to notice you again! It worked for me and Stan!.. Sort of.
NORA: But he's *not* my boyfriend!
[The other girls glance at each other again.]
NORA: [annoyed] There it is AGAIN! The "Nora wants to bang Tweek" look!
[The others giggle and glance again.]
NORA: Stop it, damn it!
WENDY: [smiling] I think we've got the old Nora back!
[The girls laugh and the four of them walk off together. Meanwhile, pan back to the boys. Cartman and Kyle are arguing, oblivious to everything else.]
KYLE: No, dummy, the ball is foul if it goes past the field!
CARTMAN: [whining] No, it isn't!
KENNY: [rolls his eyes] <Oh, please.>
TWEEK: [looking away] I j- just don't get them, man.
STAN: [shrugs] Neither do we, but I figured that Cartman has some sort of grudge for those who weigh less than 70 pounds.
TWEEK: N-no, not them. [sighs] Girls.
KENNY: <Ooh! Who is she?>
TWEEK: W- What do you m- mean, man?
STAN: C'mon Tweek, who do you like?
TWEEK: Uh.. Noone.
STAN: [slightly pissed] It isn't Wendy, is it?
TWEEK: N- no.
KENNY: <Bebe?>
TWEEK: No way, m- man! [twitches] She scares me!
STAN: Then who?...
[Kyle and Cartman have finally finished yelling at each other and walk over to the others.]
KYLE: What's going on, dude?
STAN: Tweek has a crush on someone at school!
CARTMAN: [laughing] Hahaha, just another lil' hippie bitch lover to add to the list!
[Stan, Kyle, and Kenny all give him a look that could kill. Cartman shuts up.]
CARTMAN: Heh, ah mean, that's cool, man.
KENNY: <Geez.> [smacks himself over the head] <It's pretty damn obvious who he likes by now!>
TWEEK: I- It is?
STAN: [laughs] Hey, yeah! We know you like her.
TWEEK: [embarassed] Oh.
KYLE: [whispered] You do?
STAN: [whispered] No, we're just trying to get him to talk and maybe we can find out who he likes.
KYLE: [whispered] Okay.
TWEEK: Well, w- what should I do?
STAN: [shrugging] Just tell her, dude.
TWEEK: H- How?
KYLE: Well, I serenaded Rebecca outside her window one night..
[Tweek immediately shudders at the thought.]
KYLE: What?!
TWEEK: Uh, let's j- just say, there were like terrorists s- surrounding her house, that were like, try- trying to shoot me.
STAN: Dude, you're *way* too paranoid.
TWEEK: But, what song w- would I sing? [blinks]
KENNY: <I have no fucking clue, dude, but maybe you can find out. The girls are having a sleepover at Bebe's house tonight.>
TWEEK: [thoughtfully] Yeah..
[Int. Bebe's house]
[The girls are in the living room playing Jenga. It's Bebe's turn. She's carefully trying to remove a wooden block from the stack, when the it unexpectedly topples over.]
BEBE: Damn it! I was so close!
[Rebecca stands up, carrying a CD case.]
REBECCA: Hey, Bebe, would it be okay if I put on some music?
BEBE: Sure, the stereo's over there! [points]
REBECCA: Alright. [walks over] Are there any requests?
NORA: Yeah.. Do you have Aerosmith?
REBECCA: Yep! What song?
NORA: Well.. [laughs a little] You guys are gonna think I'm being corny, but, I think "Crazy" is one of the prettiest songs ever... But then again, coming from me, "Enter Sandman" is relaxing.
REBECCA: You got it!
KELLY: [shouting across the room] Could you play "Baby Got Back" next?
[Pan to outside the window. Tweek is crouched down low, listening.]
TWEEK: [mumbling] Crazy... [starts to walk home]
[Back to the party....]
WENDY: OK, now it's makeover time!
[Everyone looks at Nora.]
NORA: Uh.. [stalling] But what about Jenga?
KELLY: Screw Jenga!
[The other four close in on Nora. There's no escape.]
NORA: F*beep*ck.
[Various shots of the girls tying Nora down to a chair, stuffing a gag in her mouth, then putting make-up on her. "Call Me" by Blondie plays in the background. (Sort of a Bride Of Chucky reference, when Tiffany the doll was giving herself a makeover.) Shot of Kelly putting violet eyeshadow on Nora, then outlining her eyes black and applying mascara. Shot of Wendy putting on dabs of concealer, then a*lot* of powder, and a little bit of blush. Shot of Rebecca polishing her nails red and drawing a beauty mark on her left cheek. Shot of Bebe taking Nora's hair out of her stubby pigtails, and curling it. Shot of Wendy applying light pink lipstick. Then: viola! The camera slowly pans up on Nora, feet to head (still tied to the chair): she's still wearing her purple earmuffs, but also a short green dress, and a black choker.]
WENDY: Whew! I think we did a pretty damn good job, if I may say so myself!
[Kelly pulls a mirror out infront of Nora.]
KELLY: What do you think?
NORA: Mmmph rmmf mmmf mmmmp rmmmp!!! [Translation: I can't believe you did this to me! I look like RuPaul meets Ronald McDonald meets Mimi Bobeck meets--]
BEBE: Thank God we can't hear her bitching!
REBECCA: Yeah! You know, we should take a polaroid of her like this and give it to Tweek! She'll wash this stuff off the instant we untie her!
NORA: Mmmmp rmmmmp rmmmf mmmf mmmmph-- [Translation: You're damn straight! I mean, I look like Zha Zha Gabor meets my Aunt Mildred meets an extremely messy two year old with a watercolor paintset meets--]
KELLY: It's too bad, though! She looks so pretty!
NORA: Rmmmf mmmmm mmmmph rmmp-- [Translation: Dennis Rodman meets a freak accident at a tye-dye company--]
[Int. Mr.Garrison's classroom.]
MR.GARRISON: Okay, class, today we're going to be starting our new unit on History. Well... Why don't *you* tell them all about it, Mr.Hat? [giggles]
MR.HAT: Alright, Mr.Garrison! Now, everyone knows that in 1979, the Smashing Pumpkins robbed a local 7-11 and were in prison for at least twenty years, which caused lead singer Billy Corgan to pull out all of his hair in the small little cell in which he was kept it, and that is why he is now bald...
CARTMAN: [completely awed] Wow.
[Suddenly, the classroom door creaks open. Wendy and Bebe walk in, carrying Nora in on the chair.]
WENDY: Sorry we're late, Mr.Garrison.
BEBE: Yeah, we had to.. Uh, help our mentally unbalanced friend here get to school.
NORA: Mmmph mmm!! Rmmp mmmf rmmmf mmmp mmmph rmmph! [Translation: Yeah, right!! The only mentally unbalanced person in this classroom is Mr.Garrison and that freaking faggot puppet of his---]
[Wendy and Bebe set the chair down behind a desk, almost letting it crash over.]
NORA: MMMPH!!
WENDY: Sorry!
[Tweek looks over at Nora. She looks back. Tweek blinks, and looks away.]
NORA: [Thinking] Goddamn, this sucks! Doesn't anybody see anything wrong with this picture?!?
[Shot of the entire classroom- Nobody really cares.]
NORA: [Thinking] Great. I am officially screwed. Now where the Hell's Uncle Ned when I need him?
[Int. Jimbo and Ned's house]
[Jimbo finally finishes untying Nora from the chair. She pulls the gag out of her mouth exhaustedly.]
NORA: Thank God! [quickly chugs down a frappucino]
NED: Mmmhere, Nora, maybe this will cheer you upmmm.
[He shows her a large gun.]
NORA: Um, not really. [tries to smile] But thanks anyway, Uncle Ned. It was really nice of you, but you keep it. I'm going upstairs to change.
[She walks upstairs and goes into her room. Jimbo shrugs.]
JIMBO: I just don't get it. I would've been absolutely thrilled if I was her age!
NED: Mmmme too.
[Int. Nora's room.]
[Nora already has most of her stuff unpacked; her bed, dresser, and everything else is in place, and her posters are hanging up. Besides an open suitcase filled with clothes, it almost looks like she's lived there forever. Nora is now changed into her normal garb and has washed her makeup off. She has just finished brushing out her hair, but didn't put it back in pigtails. She's about to lay on her bed, when she hears a faint voice singing outside....]
[Shot of Tweek holding a portable CD player, singing loudly.]
TWEEK: You d- drive me cra- craaaaaazy, I just can't speak! I'm s- so excited, I'm in too deep, ooooooh craaaaaazy, but it fe- feels alriiiiiiight---
NORA: [snickers; calling down] Tweek, what're you doing?
TWEEK: Uh, I- I'm supposed to be serenading you. [blinks] I think.
NORA: Well, come up and do it in my room, then! You must be freezing your ass out there!
TWEEK: B- But your uncle.. And the g- gun...
NORA: [rolls her eyes] Tweek, I was just exaggerating! Uncle Ned wouldn't do that. Please, come on up!
[Tweek obeys, and a few minutes later he finds himself in Nora's new room.]
TWEEK: Uh, h- hi.
NORA: Hey! [sits down on her bed and motions for Tweek to sit next to her] Okay.. First of all... Why were you out there singing "Drive Me Crazy" at 10:40 at night?
TWEEK: I thought y- you liked that so- song..
NORA: Huh? I don't kn--- [realizing] Oh! Crazy, by Aerosmith.
TWEEK: [dejectedly] So I sang the wrong song?
NORA: Dude, it doesn't matter! That was the sweetest thing anyone's ever done for me!
TWEEK: Yeah?
NORA: [smiles] Yeah! You're the greatest friend ever! [hugs him]
TWEEK: [quietly] I li- like you, N- Nora.
NORA: Well, I hope so! You're my best friend!
TWEEK: I mean, I- I like you alot.
NORA: [pauses] Really?
TWEEK: Yeah. [looks down]
NORA: Aw, well I like you too! [hugs him a little tighter] But.. It's like almost eleven, dude, it's pretty damn late. I'll see you in school tomorrow, right?
TWEEK: S- Sure.
NORA: Okay then.
[She walks him down to the front door and opens it; then gives him a quick kiss on the cheek.]
NORA: Bye.
[Tweek turns around for a minute, a little confused. Then, smiling, he walks back over and hugs Nora again- *very* tightly]
NORA: Uh, hon, don't take this the wrong way, but.. [almost choking] I can't breathe!
TWEEK: Oh! [lets go, embarassed] S- Sorry.
NORA: It's okay.
[Tweek walks out. Nora closes the door behind him, and walks back upstairs, lamenting to herself.]
NORA: Dude, I was close to suffication less than a minute ago, yet... I don't really care!
[Closes door behind her in her new room and hums "Crazy" to herself.]
[Int.School Playground]
[Shot of Nora talking to Wendy and Bebe.]
BEBE: Aw, that is sooo cute! [angrily] Clyde's never done anything like that for *me*.
NORA: I know, he's so unbelievably sweet!
WENDY: So are you guys a couple now?
NORA: Eh... I don't know, I mean, I'm still pretty close friends with him, then again.. [smiles] I guess we are.
BEBE: And you're not pissed about him hanging out with the guys more?
NORA: Nah, I gotta give him space. Besides, they're teaching him alot!
[Pan over to Tweek playing with a red ball. Pip walks over to him.]
PIP: 'Ello, Tweek, I was wondering if maybe I might--
TWEEK: Shut up, P- Pip. [picks up ball and moves elsewhere.]
[Pan back over to the girls.]
NORA: [grinning] See?
[Credits roll, with Tweek's version of "Drive Me Crazy" playing.]
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
(So what did you guys think? Yes, a little sappy, a little stupid <Yet, aren't all my fics a little stupid? lol>, but I guess it turned out fairly decent. I've just had a severe case of writers block lately. So, pleeease send me any comments, questions, or death threats! I'm dying to know how crappy my latest work of art was! =)
~*~ AnDi ~*~ The more you suffer, the more it shows you really care..
"Wake up, bitch, you're my new best friend!"
"Huh, what? Are we going to the zoo?" ~ BASEketball