Okay, this is my first South Park fanfic--I've written other fanfics, but not South Park, up until now. I wrote it up in about an hour:) So, please send your comments/suggestions/questions please:) Btw, it's written in movie/tv show script lingo--so EXT=exterior, INT=interior, etc.
South Park: �Cartman Gets a Tapeworm�
Opening Credits and Title.
CUT TO: EXT: BUS STOP Cartman, Kyle, Stan and Kenny are, as usual, waiting for the school bus. Cartman seems a bit more irritated than usual--and he is heartily scratching his ass.
KYLE: Heheh, hey fatboy--what�s wrong with you?
CARTMAN: I�m not fat! I�m just short for my age! My *beep*-ing ass just itches!
STAN: Whatever, fatass. Are you digging for gold back there?
KENNY: (Did you have butt sex with your gay lover last night?)
KYLE, STAN and KENNY laugh wildly.
CARTMAN: Screw you guys! I�m going home!
With his hand still scratching his ass, CARTMAN proceeds to leave the bustop.
KYLE: You dumbass--you can�t go home, we�ve got school today!
Just then, the school bus pulls up, and MRS. CRABTREE opens the door, looking as nasty as ever.
MRS. CRABTREE: Hurry up! We�re running late!!!
STAN: Pipe down, you nasty bitch.
MRS. CRABTREE: WHAT did you say?!
STAN: I said right now, he�s got a nasty itch.
STAN points at CARTMAN, scratching wildly.
MRS. CRABTREE: Oh. Well, you should get that checked out, little boy.
CARTMAN: EEEEI!!! EEEEI!!!
CARTMAN continues to whine ad nauseum as the bus pulls off.
CUT TO: INT: MR. GARRISON�S CLASSROOM.
MR. GARRISON: So children, though they may look strikingly alike, Gary Coleman and Webster are not the same person...
KYLE: Hey Cartman, how�s the ass?
CARTMAN: (whispering) It still itches, thank you very much!!
STAN: heheh, the ass-master has a bad case of ass-itch!
WENDY: Eww, your ass itches??
CARTMAN: Sorry Wendy, my ears are deaf to little hippie girls.
KYLE: Yeah--he hasn�t stopped scratching the whole morning!
WENDY: You must have worms!!
CARTMAN: What?!
STAN: Sick!!!
KENNY and the remaining schoolchildren laugh wildly.
MR. GARRISON: Children, children!! What�s the problem?
STAN: Oh, Cartman�s just infested with worms.
MR. GARRISON: What?
KYLE: It�s true! Tell him, Cartman!
CARTMAN: Goddammit--I don�t know what you�re talking about, Jew boy!!!
MR. GARRISON: Eric, do you need to go see the nurse?
CARTMAN: No Mr. Garrison, I�m fine..
MR. GARRISON: Oh. Well, let�s continue. You see children, due to all the arrests and entanglements with the law, the chances for a �Diff�rent Strokes� reunion looks very grim..
CARTMAN continues to scratch his ass.
CUT TO: INT: CARTMAN�S STOMACH.
A small, TAPEWORM is lying in CARTMAN�S stomach. It�s munching on some CHEESY POOFS that CARTMAN ate earlier. A rumbling sound then resonates.
CARTMAN: I sure am hungry.
CUT TO: INT: CAFETERIA
The South Park elementary school children are all eating their lunches or waiting in line. STAN, KENNY, KYLE and CARTMAN are waiting in line to be fed.
KYLE: I can see your ass still itches, Cartman.
CARTMAN: Shut up you guys--you�re being hella immature. I can�t wait to eat, I�m starving.
STAN: I don�t see how you could be hungry, you look like you�ve already eaten a whole grocery store out of business!!
CARTMAN: Shut up, you goddamn hippie!
CHEF: Hello children.
KYLE, STAN, KENNY and CARTMAN: Hi chef.
CHEF: How are my little crackers today?
STAN: Oh, we�re okay I guess--but Cartman seems to have a problem with his ass.
CHEF: Again? What--did visitors give you an anal probe?
The kids laugh wildly. CARTMAN frowns at them, still scratching his ass.
KYLE: No, we think he may have worms.
CHEF: Uhhhhh....That�s disgusting....Excuse me, children...
CHEF darts off into a nearby bathroom, and he pukes his guts out. The kids take their trays and find a table and begin eating.
CARTMAN is packing away the food like never before.
CUT TO: INT: CARTMAN�S STOMACH.
Every bite CARTMAN eats, it falls into the TAPEWORM�S mouth. The TAPEWORM is looking more and more like the alien from the movie, �Alien�. It extends feelers to CARTMAN�S stomach and begins to communicate with him.
TAPEWORM: (in CARTMAN�S head) More!! Feed me more!!! Obey your master!!!
Suddenly, CARTMAN�S eyes glaze over--he is under the TAPEWORM�S control.
CARTMAN: (zombified) Yes, master.
He beings diving into KENNY�S food, scarfing it all down.
KENNY: (pissed off) (Goddammit, keep your fucking hands outta my food!! I�m fucking starving!!)
KYLE: Yeah Cartman--take it easy! This is the one meal a day that Kenny gets to eat!!
CARTMAN: Must...obey...
He continues gorging himself, and STAN and KYLE exchange glances.
STAN: This is gross.
KYLE: Yeah, let�s hurry up and get outta here.
CUT TO: INT: CARTMAN�S HOUSE.
CARTMAN is sitting on the couch, watching FAT ABBOT, by himself.
FAT ABBOT: (on TV) Hey hey hey Rudy, what the *beep*�s going on?
RUDY: Damn Fat Abbot, what the hell�s your fat ass doing in this side of the projects?
FAT ABBOT: Shit, bitch! I�ll come wherever I please bitch-ass-*beep**beep*-ass-*beep*-ho!
MUSH MOUTH: (pulling out semi-automatic weapon) I-buh thinkuh you-buh betta getta yourbuh ass-uh gonuh. Bitcha.
CARTMAN�S MOM peers in on ERIC.
MRS. CARTMAN: Hon? Would you like some snacky cakes?
CARTMAN: Yes, snacky cakes...
She gives him a giant plate full of SNACKY CAKES, which he scarfs down. KITTY approaches. It�s eyes are glazed over as well, a la CARTMAN.
KITTY: Meow?
The KITTY leaps up on the couch, to be at CARTMAN�S side. It�s tail is up, and several WORMS are dangling from it�s butt. CARTMAN pets the KITTY.
CARTMAN: Nice kitty...
CUT TO: INT: BROSLOFSKI RESIDENCE.
KYLE is on the phone, he�s calling STAN.
KYLE: Stan?
STAN: (on phone) Yeah dude?
KYLE: Dude, I think we should do something about Cartman.
STAN: Why?
KYLE: Because dude, what if he infects the whole town with worms? I don�t wanna get worms!!
STAN: Yeah, I see what you mean. What do you have in mind?
KYLE: You and Kenny meet me at Cartman�s house in ten minutes--we�re taking him to the hospital.
STAN: How are we gonna get him there, dude?
KYLE: Don�t worry dude, I�ve got it all taken care of.
KYLE hangs up the phone and heads over to his little red wagon, completely filled with boxes of CHEESY POOFS.
Ten minutes later.
EXT: CARTMAN�S HOUSE.
STAN and KENNY are standing outside, waiting for KYLE. KYLE approaches, with his wagon-full of CHEESY POOFS.
KYLE: Hi guys--you ready?
STAN: Whoa! What�s all the cheesy poofs for?
KYLE: To lure Cartman to the hospital!
They knock on the door, and MRS. CARTMAN lets them in.
STAN: Hey Cartman--you wanna go hang out? We�ve got lots of cheesy poofs!
CARTMAN: (raising an eyebrow) Cheesy poofs?
KYLE: Yeah! Come on, dude!
CARTMAN obliges and they all go outside.
EXT: CARTMAN�S HOUSE.
CARTMAN: (in awe) It�s...amazing..
KYLE: Here�s a box to tide you over.
KYLE throws him a box, which CARTMAN in turn, tears into and ravenously devours the CHEESY POOFS.
Just follow us, and we�ll lead you to more!
CARTMAN: Yes....more!!!!
The boys soldier on, and they eventually reach their destination:
HELL�S PASS HOSPITAL.
INT: HOSPITAL.
KYLE is keeping CARTMAN at bay, as STAN talks to the doctor.
STAN: (tugging the DOCTOR�S lab jacket) Hey--um, doc? We need to admit our friend here.
STAN points to CARTMAN, who is munching CHEESY POOFS and scratching his ass at the same time.
DOCTOR: What�s wrong with him?
STAN: We think he�s got worms.
DOCTOR: (shocked) Worms?! Quickly, bring him to the back!
STAN: Okay dudes.
Just as they�re about to follow the DOCTOR, CARTMAN pulls his hand out of his pants, where he was scratching his ass, and touches KENNY�S arm, transfering more worms to poor, unaware, KENNY.
KENNY: (Hey! Don�t motherfucking touch me, cocksucker!!)
CUT TO: INT: OPERATING ROOM.
CARTMAN is propped up on an operating table, on his stomach, with his pants off, and the DOCTOR and some NURSES are examining his butt. The kids look on.
The DOCTOR grabs a long, thin, wire-like object, and beings to lubricate it.
KYLE: What�s that, dude?
DOCTOR: This is a camera, so we can investigate the infestation.
The DOCTOR rams the device up CARTMAN�S rectum. As it�s inserted, it makes an unsettling �squishy� sound. CARTMAN is not pleased, and screams out in agony.
CARTMAN: Aaaag!!! Nooo!!!
Moments later, the DOCTOR is looking at the video feed, and gasps in horror.
STAN: What is it?!
DOCTOR: Take a look for yourselves, boys.
The boys meander over to the screen, and see a nasty shot of CARTMAN�S insides. In his stomach, is a huge, very developed TAPEWORM. It�s monstrous, with fangs and no eyes. It notices the camera inside and abruptly devours it, severing the video feed.
KYLE: Aaaaah!!! Gross!!!
STAN: Can you get rid of it?
DOCTOR: Yes, we�ll give him some medication immediately.
CARTMAN overhears, and doesn�t like what he hears. He breaks loose of his restraints and stands up, and pulls his pants up.
CARTMAN: No medication!! The master will not permit it!!!
DOCTOR: Relax, kid.
KYLE: Yeah--we don�t want you infesting the whole town!
CARTMAN beings to laugh wildly.
STAN: Uh oh. This can�t be good.
CARTMAN: (maniacally) The master will spread his power! Together, we will take over the world!!!!
The screen blurs, and a dream sequence ensues.
EXT: CITY SQUARE. CARTMAN and the TAPEWORM stand high above a podium, as several TAPEWORMS
march past, pushing human prisoners along the way. STAN, KYLE and KENNY walk by, prisoners of the TAPEWORM SOLDIERS.
STAN: Oh man, I _knew_ we shouldn�t have messed with the tapeworm!!
KYLE: Yeah, now we�re gonna pay!
The TAPEWORM SOLDIERS push the boys on with their rifles. CARTMAN and the TAPEWORM laugh wildly over their victory over human kind.
The screen blurs again to signify the end of the dream sequence. In reality, CARTMAN continues to laugh wildly. The DOCTOR decides to take action.
DOCTOR: Noo!!!!
He picks up a pill and rushes to CARTMAN, and shoves it down his throat, and forces him to swallow. All the while, CARTMAN whines in his usual manner.
KYLE: What did you give him?
DOCTOR: It�s an experimental drug--it�s supposed to make him pass that mutant worm instantly.
STAN: Experimental?! What if it fails?
DOCTOR: Well, if it backfires, he�ll explode, sending his vital organs and tissue all over the place.
Suddenly, CARTMAN begins contorting wildly.
CARTMAN: ack!! You guys!!
STAN: Oh no! He�s gonna explode!!!
CARTMAN: You guys--help me!!! Seriously!
DOCTOR: No! He could be passing the tapeworm, we have to get him to a restroom!!
The nurses quickly begin escorting CARTMAN to a nearby restroom, and he farts every step he takes.
He finally reaches a toilet, and he pulls his pants down, and lets out a relieved sigh. On the toilet, he�s making many squishes and squirts with his butt, as the TAPEWORM leaves his body. The kids and the DOCTOR enter the bathroom.
STAN: Gross, dude!!
In the toilet bowl is a nasty looking TAPEWORM, with its gaping jaw ridden with fangs--it snarls at the boys. It scares the boys, and KENNY pulls his hood shut out of fright.
TAPEWORM: I�m not done yet! You haven�t heard the last of me!! Muahahahahaa!!!
STAN: Dude, this is pretty *beep*-ed up here.
CARTMAN abruptly flushes the commode, and the tapeworm swirls down the drain.
CARTMAN: Whew. I�m glad that�s over with.
KYLE: Wait!! He�s in the sewer! We�ve gotta warn Mr. Hankey!!!
CARTMAN: No way dude, I�m not going down there--that tapeworm�s down there!
KYLE: We can�t let him take Mr. Hankey by surprise!
Moving music resonates.
If he kills Mr. Hankey--it just won�t be Christmas this year! Come on you guys, Mr. Hankey�s done so much for us--we _owe_ him this much! Now come on!
CARTMAN, STAN, and KENNY exchange nervous glances.
Come onnn!!!!!!
KYLE drags them off.
CUT TO: INT: SEWER. The boys are traversing the smelly landscape, shining their flashlights, searching for Mr. Hankey.
KYLE: (calling out) Mr. Haaaaaannnnnkyyyyy!!!!!!!
STAN: It�s no use dude, we�ll never find him!
CARTMAN: (frightened) uhh....come on guys, I�m scared!! Let�s get outta here!!
KYLE: Shut up you fat chicken! Mr. Hankey would do this for you!!!
MR. HANKEY:(O/S) Howwwwdy Ho!!!!!!
Startled, the boys turn, and before them appears MR. HANKEY, riding a tampon canoe in the sewer waters.
THE BOYS: Mr. Hankey!!!
MR. HANKEY: Howdy ho boys! Golly, you all look dandy! You boys should use chapstick--your lips will crack!
KYLE: Mr. Hankey--I�m so glad we found you! We came to warn you--there�s an evil tapeworm on the loose in the sewer!
MR. HANKEY: Tapeworm?
KYLE: Yeah--he infested Cartman, but Cartman pooped him out and he�s down here now! We have to destroy him!
TAPEWORM:(O/S) It�s too late for that!!! I strike!!
The TAPEWORM had snuck up behind them, and he leaps on MR. HANKEY, and the two of them sink into the sewer waters, wrestling one another.
KYLE: Mr. Hankey! Noo!!!!
STAN: I change my mind--_this_ is *beep*-ed up right here, dude.
MR. HANKEY and the TAPEWORM arise out of the waters, no worse for wear.
TAPEWORM: Fall, damn you, Hankey!! It�s time for a new regime!!
MR. HANKEY: Now that�s not very nice!! The sewer is a place for everyone, Mr. Tapeworm! You can�t just take away someone�s home without asking--that�s not polite at all!!
TAPEWORM: To hell with politeness!!!
The TAPEWORM lunges for MR. HANKEY, and they wrestle and fight some more.
KYLE: We have to do something guys!!
CARTMAN: (really frightened) S-s-screw you g-guys!! I-I�m going h-home!!
CARTMAN scuttles off.
Meanwhile, it looks as though the TAPEWORM has acheived victory--he has beat MR. HANKEY into a poopy mess.
TAPEWORM: You�re finished, Hankey!!
MR. HANKEY: *Cough* *Cak!*. I-I give up..
KYLE: Noooo!!!!!
Abruptly, out of the darkness, a figure emerges in a silver suit, covered from head to toe. He is carrying a massive flame thrower.
STAN: Who?
The figure removes his protective mask, and is revealed to be:
CHEF.
STAN: Chef!!!
CHEF: Hello children! I had a hunch that Mr. Hankey might be in trouble if that fat boy got rid of that tapeworm. So I asked the Doctor at the hospital, and he said you boys were down here.
KYLE: Yeah yeah whatever! Burn that worm!!!
CHEF: Oh. Oh yeah.
CHEF puts his protective mask back on and unleashes the rage of his flamethrower. It sends the TAPEWORM reeling back. He is severely burned. He lands on the pavement next to the sewer river.
KYLE: Mr. Hankey!! Are you alright?
MR. HANKEY pulls himself together--he�s pissed.
MR. HANKEY: That _does_ it!!!
He leaps up into the air, with magic dust falling freely around him. He finds a nearby sewer rat, and he gets on top of him. He weaves a magic spell and suddenly, he and the rat are dressed in medieval armor. The final touch is a magic Lance that has on it embedded:
�Wormer�
MR. HANKEY: Chaaaarrrge!!!!!!!
The rat obeys MR. HANKEY, and they charge along the concrete near the sewer river, picking up speed. MR. HANKEY squints his eyes at his target. The TAPEWORM is disoriented, but by the time he pulls himself together--it�s too late. MR. HANKEY rams the Lance into the TAPEWORM�S head, and he dies instantly after letting out a painful sigh.
MR. HANKEY wipes his forehead.
MR. HANKEY: Whew!
CHEF: Mr. Hankey saved South Park from tapeworm infestation!!!
THE KIDS: Hooray!!!
MR. HANKEY bounces over to KYLE.
KYLE: You did it, Mr. Hankey!!! You saved us all!!
MR. HANKEY: Aw shucks, it was nothing, Kyle! Kisses!!!
He plants a shitty kiss on KYLE�s cheek, and the day is saved.
CUT TO: INT: CARTMAN�S HOUSE.
After their adventure in the sewer, the boys and MR. HANKEY are sitting on CARTMAN�S couch, watching FAT ABBOT.
FAT ABBOT: (on TV) Hey hey hey y�all!
RUDY: Hey hey hey yourself, you fat *beep*.
FAT ABBOT: You know what Rudy? You�re like an anal probe in the winter time.
The sound of a record being pulled off a turntable resonates.
RUDY: What the *beep* did you just say?
FAT ABBOT: Bitch, if you�d open up your bitch-ass-ears, ho, maybe you�d hear what the *beep* i was *beep*-ing *beep* saying! Bitch ass ho!! Damn!
The boys all laugh at the funny show. Suddently, KENNY�S eyes widen.
KENNY: Urrk!!!
His stomach growls loudly.
STAN: Oh no--Kenny--you don�t have a tapeworm too, do you??
KENNY: (Fuck, I don�t know! I hope not!)
CARTMAN: Aaaaah!!!
KENNY hurriedly rushes for CARTMAN�S bathroom, farting each step he takes. When he reaches his destination, he pulls his pants down and poops. He lets out a relieved sigh. The boys and MR. HANKEY burst in, worried.
KENNY: (No, I�m okay guys--just diarrhea)
STAN: Oh, Kenny�s okay--it was just diarrhea!
Just then, KENNY�S stomach contracts, and growls loudly.
KENNY: (Shiiiiiiitt!!!!!)
KYLE: Wait!! Look!
KENNY leaps off the toilet and the biggest, most massive TAPEWORM they�ve ever seen slowly rises out of the toilet, roaring as he ascends.
THE BOYS: AAAAAAHHHH!!!!!
The new TAPEWORM growls back at them, then lunges toward KENNY, scarfing him down in one bite.
STAN: Oh my God!! The tapeworm ate Kenny!!!
KYLE: You bastard!!!!
The TAPEWORM simply laughs wildly at the boys, and sets his gaze upon them. They scream in terror. MR. HANKEY weaves a spell again, and he is again adorned in medieval armor. He takes his trusty lance, �Wormer� and aims for the new TAPEWORM and hits it in the head, dead on. The TAPEWORM gyrates in pain, then keels over and dies.
KYLE: Mr. Hankey did it again!!!
MR. HANKEY: Well, I reckon it�s time for me to go--my work�s done for now.
He moves over to the toilet.
Goodbye boys, and be sure to shampoo your hair every day!!
THE BOYS: Goodbye, Mr. Hankey!
KYLE flushes the toilet, and MR. HANKEY spirals down into the sewer.
MR. HANKEY: Howwwwdy Hooooooo!!!!
Reassuring music plays.
STAN: You know, I�ve learned something today.
KYLE: What�s that dude?
STAN: I�ve learned that tapeworms suck ass.
They all exchange glances.
KYLE: You�re so right, dude.
CARTMAN: Come on you guys, my mom will make us twizzler ketchup spaghetti!!
STAN: Twizzler ketchup spaghetti? Kickass!!!
KYLE: Yeah!!
THE END FADE OUT
that's all folks!
SupaJoe