This is my first fanfic, guys. I've broken it up into fairly manageable bits...hopefully reading it won't make you as insane as writing it has me.
All the important stuff, like the disclaimers and junk, is in the last bit.
~~~~~The Valentine's Day Massacre~~~~~
It is yet another normal day in South Park. The sun is shining, the snow covers the hills and mountains, and three young boys stand in wait for the bus that will take them to school...
...Three?
"Dude! Where the f*ck is Stan?" shouts Kyle. "The bus is going to be here any second!"
"Oh, quit your bitching, Kyle," Cartman responds. "You're starting to sound just like your mom!"
Kyle turns to face Cartman. All three boys hold packages in their hands: Kyle's is a large manila envelope, decorated with red construction paper hearts with lace doily outlines; Cartman's is shoebox-sized, with several glittering stickers adorning it. The letters "Plea" and "ibe" and a lady's head and feet stand out from beneath a huge heart sticker, pierced by one of Cupid's arrows; Kenny's is a half-rack box, upon which has been scribbled a brown heart, apparently with a Sharpie pen.
"Listen, fatass, I told you NOT to call my mom a bitch! Just because she happens to have strong opinions..."
"...That usually wind up SCREWING me, assrammer!" Cartman retorts.
"...does NOT give you the right to belittle her!" Kyle continues, unfazed. "And don't forget, you have to come to my house after school, since your mom's gonna be having some crackhead orgy at her house..."
"AY!" interjects Cartman.
"...and if you say another bad word about my mom this whole day, I'll tell her you're on a diet, and your mom said you can't have any of the Poofy Pies, Tooty Bars, and Cheesy Poofs that Mom bought for snacks." Kyle pauses, to watch Cartman's reaction.
( >_< )
"Ah...eh...but..." Cartman sputters.
"No buts, Cartman. You keep your hole shut about my mom, or there'll be HELL to pay!" Kyle finishes, pleased with how the day is starting.
"Mrfmph rmph mrm phrmf!" speaks Kenny admiringly, reaching for the package in Cartman's hand.
"No, Kenny, that's MY Valentine box!"
Kenny tugs at the sticker below the lady's head, catching a quick peek beneath it. "Whoohoo!"
Cartman slaps at Kenny's hand. "No Kenny! That's a bad Kenny!"
At that moment, Stan rounds the corner. He holds in his hands a large plastic bag with handles.
"You guys...today is going to kick so much ass."
"Whoa, dude! What's in the bag?" inquires Kyle, eager to speak to his best friend, who had been very hush-hush about his Valentine's Day plans over the phone the night before.
"Check it out, dude. This Valentine's Day, I'm prepared. I am going to make sweet love to Wendy."
"Mrmph mrf fmphr rmph frmph?"
"Dude! That's sick! No, I talked to Chef, and he told me what I'd need if I wanted to get Wendy!" Stan chooses this moment to display to his friends the contents of his paper bag.
"First, dude, I'm gonna give her this bouquet of roses..."
"Dude...those aren't roses," Kyle worries.
"I know, real roses would wilt, these are cookies wrapped up in foil to look like roses...and they're Wendy's favourite...oatmeal-raisin."
"Sweet!"
"Eh..." Cartman speaks up. "Oatmeal-raisin...I'm sure your flower child girlfriend will appreciate all the extra fiber in her diet. Say, Stan, I didn't know Mr. Hankey made visits on Valentine's Day, too!"
"Shut up, asslord!" replies Stan quickly. "Next, I'll give her this card at lunch," he says, holding up a card with a large, scrungy cat and a big-nosed penguin on it, "at which point I'll put item number three into play..."
"Don't keep us in suspense, dude!" begs Kyle. "What's number three?"
Stan looks around warily, and grabs a smallish box from the bag.
"Mrphrmph?"
"...What's Astroglide?" Stan asks quizzically, leaving Kenny in a giggle fit. "No, it's...Dramamine."
"Dramma-what?" asks Kyle.
"Dramamine...so I don't blow chunks on Wendy! It'll be cool! By afternoon recess, I'll be making sweet love to Wendy!"
At this moment, the bus arrives. Stan shoves the items back into his bag as the door opens.
"Get on the bus! Now! NOOOWWW!" screams Ms. Crabtree.
"Oh, why don't you cram it sideways up your wazoo?"
"WHAT DID YOU SAAAAY?"
"I said I like to spend Sundays at the zoo," Stan replies quickly.
"Oh. Yes, that's very nice."
The children climb aboard and head for school.
~~~~~~~~~~~
"All right children," speaks Mr. Garrison, "did everyone bring their Valentines and Valentine holders to school today?"
The children all stare blankly at Mr. Garrison.
"Well, I'll take that as a yes. Kenny, would you come up and get the tape dispenser, and help everyone attach their holders to their desks?"
"Mrm..." Kenny scowls, and takes off a glove. He reaches for the tape dispenser, and nicks himself. "OW!" he cries, and sucks the tiny drop of blood off of his fingertip, before picking up the dispenser and heading to BeBe's desk.
"Thank you, Kenny, and try to be more careful," chastises Mr. Garrison. "Now children, as you all know, Michael Jackson wrote the song 'Billie Jean' about me, but what you may not be aware of is..."
Stan glances over at the girl of his dreams, Wendy Testaberger, her dark hair gleaming, her beret slightly, albeit stylishly, askew. He leans over to speak to her, when he realizes she isn't paying attention to him. In her hands, she holds a note, signed, "With deepest adoration, Your Secret Admirer." He tries to read the rest of the note, but Wendy quickly clutches it to her chest, and sighs happily. Stan glowers.
"...and that's why it's called a 'restraining order.' Now, are there any questions?" asks Mr. Garrison.
Kyle slowly raises his hand.
"Yes, Kyle, what is it?"
"Mr. Garrison..." Kyle begins slowly, "what the f*ck has this got to do with anything, other than proving to all of us that you're a complete f*cking psycho, as if we didn't already know that?"
"Kyle, you little..." Garrison begins, but Kenny wanders back in front of him. All of the holders are now attached to the desks of their owners, and there are tiny bleedings nicks all over Kenny's bare hand and face. He hands Garrison the dispenser, and promptly passes out.
"Kyle, you go to Principal Victoria's office now, and take Kenny to the nurse's office on your way!" Garrison shouts, glad to have a reason to be rid of both the little troublemakers.
"Now children, as I was saying before, Bubbles has been trained as an attack chimp, and when I..." The bell rings for first recess, interrupting Mr. Garrison. He turns to tell the students they may go and play, but they are already gone.
"Those little bastards have no respect for me, Mr. Hat."
"You can say that again, Mr. Garrison."
~~~~~~~~~~~
On the playground, two young boys stand five paces apart, glaring at each other.
"Oho, Eric, I don't think this is a very good game..."
"Shut up, Frenchie!" shouts Cartman, loudly enough to make the other boy wince. "Heh, you lose, you lose" he taunts the young blond boy, before smacking him on the forehead, knocking the lad's chapeau askew.
"Oh...perhaps now that you've won, I can go, um..." Pip begins, "finish an assignment I had started..."
"Oh no you don't, Pip old chap!" Cartman says, stopping the youth in his tracks. "We're just going to keep playing this game until Stan is finished kissing his hippie girlfriend's ass, and he and I can get back to playing 'Hunting For Treasure' as Terrance and Phillip!"
"I do say, that does sound a lot more fun than the game we're playing...and as my name *is* Phillip..."
"Oh would you shut the hell up? We're playing 'Stare and Slap,' now get over it!" Cartman retorts, and smacks Pip in the forehead once more.
"Right-o," Pip sighs, stealing a glimpse of Stan with Wendy.
~~~~~~~~~~~
"Oh, Stan," Wendy says breathily, "you didn't have to get me a card!"
Stan blushes furiously. "Wendy, I..."
Wendy flips the card over, to look at the back...
"It's not a Markhall card, Wendy," Stan admits.
"No, but it is printed on recycled paper...10% post consumer, even! Oh Stan, how thoughtful!" Wendy cries, hugging him tightly.
"Whoa, babe...I'm glad you like it," Stan admits. "I didn't think you'd be so impressed..."
"Well, how can I help it? First that sweet letter..." Wendy begins, but Stan interrupts her.
"Letter?"
"Oh, come now, Stan," Wendy whispers, her lips inches from his. "You didn't think that 'Secret Admirer' thing would fool me, did you?"
"Um..." Stan stammers, "I suppose not..."
"Good. I have to go and show this to BeBe. She'll be so excited!" Wendy says sultrily, and runs off.
"Oh man," worries Stan. "I wish I knew who wrote that letter to Wendy...or what it says...if only Kyle were here..."
~~~~~~~~~~~
"Principal Victoria, I *have* to go now!" Kyle says, hoping Stan is making it through the first phase of his plan well.
"Oho, young man...don't you take that tone of voice with me, boy howdy! Now, I'm just going to give you a warning, because I sure as golly don't want to spend the rest of the day on the phone with your mother! But you'd better settle down...I know you're having a party after school with the other boys, and if your mother finds out about this, well..."
"Oh, Principal Victoria, I won't talk back to Mr. Garrison anymore today, I promise."
"You'd better not, young man! Now..." A buzzing noise interrupts Victoria. She presses a button on the intercom on her desk.
"Principal Victoria, I've bandaged up Kenny McCormick...I can't imagine how he got so many cuts from just a tape dispenser...anyway, he can return to class now."
"Very good, Nurse Gollum. Take care now," Principal Victoria finishes, and releases the button on her intercom, before turning back to Kyle. "You can go and walk your friend back to class, and remember no more outbursts, young man!"
"Yes, Principal Victoria," Kyle says softly, feeling properly chastised.
~~~~~~~~~~~
The bell rings. On the playground, children are groaning and dragging their feet, wary to return to class. In the hallway, a young man with a hunter's cap on guides his friend, who looks even more like a mummy than usual, back to their classroom. In the classroom, Mr. Garrison and Mr. Hat are staring wide-eyed at the latest issue of Crack Whore magazine, the back of which reads "Coming Next Month...An Insider's Exclusive: Deann Cartman!" And above South Park, something sinister casts a terrifying shadow on the unsuspecting town below.
~~~~~~~~~~~
"Well, I'll tell you somethin', Ned," begins Jimbo, "it sure is a beautiful day."
"Mmmyes," replies Ned. "Mmmgood thing we took the day okkff from Huntin' and Killin' so we could spenmmmd some time huntin' and killin'mmmm."
"You could say that again, Ned...'cept I don't wanna have to leave the fishin' hole to get you more batteries. Ha!"
"Mmmokay, Jimmmbo." Ned Gerblansky looks all around him. The mountain air is crisp, and the sky is filled with fluffy white clouds...but in the distance, he sees something most startling.
"Mmmmholy crap, Jimmmbo, lookit that!" Ned points to a large dark shape, hovering over their little hometown of South Park. "Mmmwhat is that thinggmmm?"
"Holy crow, Ned! That's the biggest goddamn turkey I've ever seen! Shoot it! Shoot it!"
Ned raises his gun, and points it at the distant form. His finger whitens on the trigger, when suddenly...
"Wait, Ned!" Jimbo cries. "This could be it! We could bag that thing for our Valentine's Day special! We gotta go get a camera crew, and some bigger guns!"
Ned lowers his weapon. "Mmmyepper, Jimmmbo."