ROCKY HORROR SOUTH PARK SHOW A South Park/Rocky Horror Picture Show Crossover By Arthur Levesque ([email]), with suggestions from Karen Savage ([email]) [This is a work in progress -- For the complete, most up-to-date version so far, go to http://www.erols.com/backslash/rhps.html]
[Cut to "Jesus and Pals" set, with Officer Barbrady (who, you'll notice, has no fucking neck) sitting in a chair beside Jesus]
Barbrady: Nothing is happening, there's nothing to see here... Or is there?
Jesus: OK, let's take another caller...
[Cut to kids (all for boys, and Wendy) walking through forest]
Wendy: I hope your uncle won't be upset that we went looking for help.
Cartman: I'm upset that you brought along your little girlfriend!
Stan (to Cartman): She's not...
[Wendy turns and stares at Stan]
Stan: I mean, ummm...
Cartman: Wendy and Stan, sitting in a tree...
Kenny: Mmf mmmff mmfmf mff mmfmmff!
Cartman: That's not how you spell "kissing"!
[All boys (after a pause) laugh, Wendy looks disgusted]
Stan: I didn't know she was in the trunk, I didn't get to read the letter she gave me...
Kyle: Look, there some kind of castle up on that hill!
Stan: A castle? Really?
Cartman: Umm, guys, let's go back, I'm cold and I'm hungry...
Kyle: You're just scared you fat ass!
Cartman: I'm not scared and I'm not fat, goddammit!!
Wendy: Come on, they might have a phone.
Stan: Cool! Check out the gargoyles!
Kyle: They look like Scooby Doo on acid.
Cartman: Man, gargoyles piss me off!
Wendy: Why do you hate gargoyles, Cartman?
Cartman: Well, you know... You'll be walking along, minding your own business and suddlenly they'll drop out of the trees, drag you behind a bush, and pull down your pants until you yell out, "Hey! You gargoyles! Stop touching my nuts!!"
[Brief pause while the other kids, confused, stare at Cartman]
Kyle: Cartman, what the hell are you talking about?
Cartman: I'm just talking about gargoyles. I hate those things!
Wendy: Cartman, gargoyles are Gothic waterspouts in the form of grotesque humans or animals... They're a classic art form!
Cartman: Oh, garGOYLES. Yeah, I like those.
Stan: What were you talking about, Cartman?
Cartman: Nothing...
Stan: No! What drops out of trees, drags you behind a bush...
Cartman: Nothing...
Stan: And touches your nuts?
Cartman: NOTHI-ING!!!
[Wendy knocks on door. After a brief pause, during which they have to grab Cartman and keep him from running away, the door is opened by RIFF RAFF. Riff Raff is a tall, pale, balding, emaciated-looking man dressed in a disheveled and dirty butler's uniform. If you can picture Richard O'Brien rendered in South Park-style construction paper animation, it looks cool! His voice, of course, is imitated. Badly.]
Riff Raff: Hello.
Stan: Hi! My name is Stan Marsh, these are my friends Wendy, Kyle, Kenny, and Eric.
[Riff Raff remains unimpressed]
Stan: We were hoping you could help us. We got lost in the woods. Do you have a phone we could use?
Riff Raff (to Cartman): You're fat.
Stan (hesistantly): Ye-e-es...
Cartman: I'm big boned! Ah, fuck you.
[Lightning flashes. The kids turn and see a long line of cows going into a side door of the castle]
Riff Raff: I think perhaps you'd better all come inside.
Kenny: Mmf mmmff mmfmf mff mmfmmff!
Riff Raff: As long as you clean up afterwards.
Wendy: You're too kind.
[They all enter. I don't think I need to describe the inside of the castle, do I? Just remember to imagine it all rendered in construction paper.]
Wendy: What kind of place is this?
Kyle: It looks like that genetical engineering place...
Riff Raff: This way.
Stan: Are you having a party?
Cartman: Is there any food?
Riff Raff: You've arrived on a rather special night. It's one of the master's affairs.
Wendy: Oh, lucky him.
Magenta: You're lucky, he's lucky, I'm lucky, we're all lucky! Ha ha ha...
LET'S GO TO SOUTH PARK AGAIN
(to the tune of "The Time Warp") RIFF RAFF
It's delightful
Frosty's frightful
Jesus has a goal
He's stalking Santa... MAGENTA
And chanting a mantra RIFF RAFF
I've got the remote control...
I remember watching "The Spirit
Of Christmas" those moments when
The internet hit me MAGENTA
And since then I've been calling...[Riff Raff and Magenta chase the kids through a door into the ballroom. In there are the Transylvanians, several cows, Brian Boitano, and Kathy Lee Gifford (a Groupie)]
TRANSYLVANIANS
Let's go to South Park again!
Let's go to South Park again![Cut to "Jesus and Pals" set for all of the Narrator's lines. The Narrator, of course, is Penn Jilette, who does commercial voice-overs for Comedy Central. Teller, seated at the right hand of our Lord, does not speak.]
NARRATOR
It's just a bunch of young scamps TRANSYLVANIANS
In the town of South Pa-a-a-ark NARRATOR
It's why they made the V-Chip TRANSYLVANIANS
And the humor's da-a-ark
Whenever Kenny dies
It really drives me insane...
Let's go to South Park again!
Let's go to South Park again! MAGENTA
It's so funny, oh Stan shoot the bunny!
You don't need any money, no, not at all.
For every episode,
With my South Park Drinking Game code
On my cable, I watch all. RIFF RAFF
Cartman is a big goof MAGENTA
He's into those Cheese Poofs[Cartman notices the pastry table, and mutters "Snacky cakes? Kick ass!"]
RIFF RAFF
And chugging a big can of "Weight Gain" MAGENTA
He's a buffed up sensation RIFF RAFF
Like he's receiving inflation NARRATOR
Let's go to South Park again!
Let's go to South Park again! KATHY LEE
Well I was in the talent show just a-doing my scene
Beat this short balding kid in a shirt of green
He and his puppet, they planned a surprise
Mr. Hat's head spun around, he had glowing eyes
He shot at me, but I got away
Found this castle, been here since that day NARRATOR
Let's go to South Park again!
Let's go to South Park again! NARRATOR
It's just a bunch of young scamps TRANSYLVANIANS
In the town of South Pa-a-a-ark NARRATOR
It's why they made the V-Chip TRANSYLVANIANS
And the humor's da-a-ark
Whenever Kenny dies
It really drives me insane...
Let's go to South Park again!
Let's go to South Park again![Kathy Lee does her tap dance. Naturally, unlike Columbia, she does NOT hit the steps and fall... Because she used choreography! How could we compete with that?]
Let's go to South Park again!
Let's go to South Park again! NARRATOR
It's just a bunch of young scamps TRANSYLVANIANS
In the town of South Pa-a-a-ark NARRATOR
It's why they made the V-Chip TRANSYLVANIANS
And the humor's da-a-ark
Whenever Kenny dies
It really drives me insane...
Let's go to South Park again!
Let's go to South Park again![All (except kids) collapse on the floor, seemingly unconscious]
Wendy (not directed at any boy in particular): Say something.
Cartman: Hey, do you guys have any Cheesy Poofs?