Howdy all, I'm attempting something new here, so it may suck and it may not. I hope it is enjoyable. Yes this is the one where i have all the fic writers appearing, who agreed to be it anyway. This part has Kyle Broslofski, Gumpels and Ann in it. The next one will have Stumpy, Thallium_fishpie and Mike Jakeman in it. After you read this, ask yourself "Who killed kenny?" This fic has four parts and in each part Kenny will be killed by someone. Some of you, that have been in chat room, may have heard Kyle Broslofski, or "SheilaBroslofski" and myself talking about it. Those that know, please don't spoil it for the others. What do you get if you figure it out? Well, um, nothing actually. Sorry. Well, enjoy(I hope).
<Legal crap>
South Park: South Park Deathmatch, Part One
[Scene. South Park Municipal Stadium. Stan, Kyle, Cartman and Kenny are standing line to be in the audience for a taping of Celebirty Deathmatch.]
Cartman: Is this a MTV production?
Kyle: No, it's a Dave Benson production.
Stan: <groans> I have a bad feeling about this.
[Kenny isn't paying attention to the three others, he is looking at the white van parked across the street.]
Cartman: I wonder where Sheila is? She was supposed to meet us here.
Kyle: Maybe she got hit by a car?
Cartman: ARRRGGGGGG!!!!!!!
Stan: Maybe she got abducted by Visitors and is busy populating a planet?
Cartman: ARRRRGGGGG!!!!!!!
[Kenny watchs on as Jenny McCarthy and Carmen Electra get out of the van. A dreamy haze covers his eyes and he hears funky porn music.]
Kyle: Kenny?
Kenny: <silence>
Stan: Kenny!
Kenny: <silence>
Cartman: Ay! Kenny! Quit yer hippie dreaming and wake up!!
[Kenny snaps out of it and points to Carmen and Jenny.]
Kenny: Mmmmmmmmmphgthmmmmmmmmm.
Cartman: If I wanted to see carpet lickers, I would have stayed home and spied on my ma through the hole in her wall. <realizing what he said> Uh, I mean, I woulda . . . never mind!!
[When Carman and Jenny are in the middle of street, we see a snow plow -- driven by Dennis Rodman!!! -- speed towards them.]
Dennis: I love you Carmen! I may be drunk and not of sound mind, but I love you!!!!!!
Kyle: Wow, Dennis Rodman loves Cartman.
Cartman: Ay! He said Carman, not Cartman!!
[Carmen's answer is drowned out as Dennis runs over Carmen and Jenny. Thupd! Thupd!]
Kenny: Mm gr, Mgr! Mmmphtrgmmmm!
[He starts to charge after Dennis, but Kyle and Stan hold him back.]
Kenny: Mmmmghrm!
[Several men dressed in coveralls rush to the scene. Barbrady pulls up in his police cruiser and runs over Jenny and Carmen again. Thupd! Thupd!]
Barbrady: Nothing to see here, move along!!
Cartman: Who didn't see that coming?
Kyle: Shut up Cartman and get your ass inside, it's cold out here!
Cartman: AY! Mah ass is not fat!! <realizes what Kyle said> Never mind!!
[Inside, the kids take their seats, in the front row.]
[Outside.]
[Sheila is walking up the street.]
Sheila: <thinking> Why is it always snowing!! Snow, snow, snow. It never stops!! Damn, I wish I lived some place warm. I hear Texas is always warm, but there's too many assholes living there!
[We see a Shadowy figure step from an alley.]
Shadowy dude: Pppstt, you wanna make some money??
Sheila: What do I have to do?
Shadowy Dude: You have to kick some one's ass in a Celebrity Deathmatch.
Sheila: Can I choose my opponite??
Shadowy dude: Um, sure, why not.
[Close up Sheila's face. She starts smiling real slow, savoring the terrible, horrible, thoughts that fuel it and as the smile grows, it becomes more menacing.]
Sheila: Finally, payback is mine!!
[Inside the areana.]
[Cartman is munching on his fourth box of popcorn and tenth box of milk-duds.]
Announcer: Attention, we have a change in tonight's line up! Do to a crazed basketball star, tonight's re-match of Jenny McCarthy and Carmen Electra has been cancelled until the paramedics quit taking advantage of their unconscious bodies in the parking lot.
[Kenny jumps from his seat and runs out of the areana.]
[We see a blonde girl, dressed in a Xena like outfit, walk down the isle. The crowd starts cheering and we see that its none other than Sheila Broslofski. Cartman notices his beloved and actually drops his popcorn. Sheila climbes through the ropes and trips.]
Sheila: Damnit!!
[Sheila stands and waits in the corner. A moment later, in a flash of light, Jess "the fic writer" appears.]
Jess: Hey, whats going on, I'm supposed to be in Geometry class.
[Sheila sneaks up behind Jess and jumps on her back, putting a choke hold on her. Jess falls to the mat as she tries to reach around and pull Sheila off.]
[In the front row.]
Stan: Wow, dude, you don't see that everyday.
Cartman: Come on, hit her sqaure in the nuts!
[In the ring.]
[Sheila hears this and flips Jess over and is about to kick her, when Jess pushes Sheila away with both feet. Jess stands and gets clothes lined over the top rope to the floor below. Jess staggers to her feet and sees a folding chair. She grabs that chair and climbs back in the ring.]
Jess: You want a piece of me?! Well come get it, you little abomanation of my mind!!
Sheila: I'm not short!!
Audience: <shouting as one> You're altudedly challenged!!
[Sheila charges in and gets whacked with the chair. Sheila stumbles back. We see little pinwheels and Cartmans floating around her head.]
[Jess trots around the ring with the chair above her head.]
Jess: <shouting> I'm the greatest!!!! I'm the greatest!!!! I'm the greatest!!!
[Sheila pulls herself together and tackles Jess around the knees. Sheila and Jess roll around on the mat, pulling each others hair and screeching like wild women.]
[In the front row.]
Cartman: Oh, I can't watch! <covers his eyes>
[In the ring.]
[Sheila picks up Jess to body slam her but falls backwards instead. Mills Lane gets a two count before Sheila pulls a shoulder up. Jess pulls Sheila up by the hair and head butts her, but forgets Sheila has a hard head and nearly knocks herself out.]
[Jess staggers back as Sheila picks up the chair Jess dropped earlier. Sheila smiles and slams the chair over Jess' head.]
Jess: <shaking her head> Hey, I don't have writer's block anymore!! Woohoo!!
[Sheila slams down the chair again.]
Jess: <dropping to her knees> God damnit, it's back!!
[As Sheila advances for another chair shot, Jess punchs Sheila in the stomach and as Sheila doubles over, Jess sets her up for a pile driver on the chair Sheila just dropped. Jess forces Sheila's head beween her legs and picks up Sheila by the waste and falls back on her butt, driving Sheila's head into the chair.]
[In the front row.]
Cartman: ARRRRRRGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[Back in the ring.]
[Jess rolls over Sheila and nearly gets the pin, but again Sheila kicks out.]
[In the front row.]
Cartman: I can't stand it anymore!!
[He rushes to the railing and somehow manganges to leap over it. Several security guards pounce on him. Sheila doesn't see this because, just at that moment, Jess thumbs her in the eye.]
Stan: This is actually a pretty good fight.
Kyle: For a couple girls.
[In the second row, Gumpels dumps her soda on Kyle's head.]
[In the ring.]
[Sheila rubs her eyes and sees Jess climb to the top rope. Jess leaps and just as she's about to make contact, Sheila jumps up, drop kicking Jess in mid-air. The impact is almost felt by everyone in the building. Jess is laid out and Sheila gets the quick three count.]
Sheila: <jumping up> Take that, you schemegagy!!
[Sheila sees the security guards trying to subdue her beloved fatass, ur, um, I mean her beloved Cartman. Sheila jumps the top rope and lands on the guards. Cut to commercial as we hear the guards begging for mercy.]
[Backstage.]
Producer: <reading a computer print out> Wow, the rating went off the scale! <thinking> Maybe we can have an all author verses character show. No, a whole series! <little dollar signs form in his eyes>
Assistant: There will be legalities involved. We can't just force them to fight each other. Plus, many are under aged. Child enangerment laws and all.
Producer: Don't worry about that, didn't read the disclaimer at the beginning of the show?
Assistant: Good point.
[In the front row.]
[Kyle, Stan, Cartman and Sheila (who is still dressed in her Xena outfit) await the next match which hasn't been announced yet.]
Announcer: Do to a greedy producer, all current Deathmatches have been postponed in favor of an author verses character format.
Kyle: I see Dave's hand in this.
Cartman: He better not touch my popcorn or I'll say, "Ay! Get your hand out of mah popcorn or I'll kick ya squa' in the nuts!!"
Stan: Shhhh, dude, he might hear you!
Cartman: Mrrrrph, what can he do to me that hasn't been down before??
[A metal band appears over Cartman's fat mouth.]
Sheila: <reading this fic> His mouth is not fat, it's soft and kissable!!
Stan: Hey Dave, can't you do something to shut her up!!
[Sheila's Xena outfit turns into a pink tutu with a matching long feather bowa and a little plastic tiara forms on her head. The pinwheel she has been holding turns into a sign that says, "Dave is the undisputed ruler of the world!]
Cartman: Mmmmphmmghtpmmmghmmm!!!!
[Cartman can't talk regulary until I remove the metal band from his mouth. <mad scientist laughter> ]
Sheila: You bastard!! I'll get you for this, I swear on all things Cartman!!
Kyle: That kicks ass dude! Thanks!
[As all this was happening, two people come to the ring. One is Ann, the other is Hanna.]
Henna: <Shouting> It's not Hanna!! IT'S HENNA, YOU FUCKING PYCHO WEIRD ASS BASTARD!!!!
Ann: Oh, shut up! I created you and I was this close - <hold her thumb and index finger close together> - to calling you Hanna. And besides, the Patriots suck like Cartman's mom on the first date.
[In the front row.]
Cartman: Mm! Mghmmphmmmhgmmp!!!!!!!!
[In the ring.]
Henna: Lets get this over with. I have to polish Drew Bledsoe's statue in ten minutes.
[Henna charges at Ann and is met with a close-line. Henna stands and is knocked down with a right hand. Once again, Henna stands, but this time, she ducks Ann's attack and kicks Ann in the stomach. She bounds off the ropes and delivers a double handed chop to Ann's back.]
[Henna tries to climb to the top rope, but Ann recovers and knocks Henna from her perch, down to the cement floor right in front of the boys and a tutu clad Sheila.]
Audience: <groans>
Sheila: <shouting> COME ON, HENNA, KICK THAT WRITER'S ASS!!
[Henna tries to stand, but Ann attacks with a double fist to the back. Mills lane tries to break them up, but Ann pushes him away.]
Ann: <shouting> THIS IS FOR FIC WRITERS EVERYWHERE!!
[Ann picks up Henna and body slams her on the steel steps next to the ring. Ann picks up Henna again and does a running power slam onto the cement floor, then Ann tosses Henna back into the ring and gets the 1-2-3 and the win.]
[As Ann's hand is raised in victory, Kenny comes back in with a pair of bras in his hand.]
Kenny: MMmmmmphmmghm??
Cartman: Mm! Mghthmmmpghmmmm!
Kenny: Mmhgthpmmmnnmn!!!
Kyle: Dude! This isn't natural.
Cartman: Mm! Mnmghmnnbmmn!!
Stan: Totally, dude, but this is South Park.
Cartman: Mmmmggrrmmnmghrmmmmmmnnm.
[In the row behind them, Gumpel starts laughing. The little girl next to her turns red in the face.]
Little Girl: What the hell are you laughing at?! This is clearly a case fan-fic abuse. I'll report that Dave Benson guy and make him rot in prison for copyright violation.
Gumpel: Obvisiouly, Elisabeth, you've never heard of the 1st admendment.
Elisabeth: I don't care, this is a disgrace to characters everywhere.
Gumpel: Oh, shut up, you're my South Park counterpart. Therefore, you and I are the same person, and I think Dave is doing a good job.
Elisabeth: No we're not! And no he's not! I am an individual!! I demand my rights!!
Kyle: <from the front row> I think we have our main event.
Cartman: Mmmghmmm?
Stan: That's right, Cartman can't eat anything.
Kyle: Maybe he can finally loose some weight.
Sheila: CARTMAN IS BUFF AND SEXY!!
[Sheila's sign changes from "Dave is the undisputed ruler of the world!" to "Cartman is biggest fat ass in all the world!"]
Sheila: GRRRRRRR! I'll get you for that!
[As all this was going on, Gumpels and Elisabeth has already entered the ring and started the match.]
Kyle: Dude, we missed the beginning of it!
[Back in the ring, Gumpel and Elisabeth stop in mid-action and rewind to them first entering the ring.]
Stan: Wow! That kicked ass!
[In the ring again, Gumpel and Elisabeth circle each other and circle each other and circle each other.]
[In the front row.]
Kyle: BBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!
Stan: BBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!
Cartman: MMMGHMMMMMMMMMMGGM!!!!!!!!!!
Kenny: <silence>
[They look over and see some one has ripped Kenny's head off!]
Stan, Kyle & Sheila: Da-da-DUM!
Cartman: Mm-mm-MMM!
[In the ring, Gumpels has Elisabeth in a hammer lock.]
Gumpels: Admit it, you like being in fan fics.
Elisabeth: No! Their degrading to characters everywhere!
[Gumpels releases Elisabeth and slams her to the mat. Gumpel attempts a elbow drop, but Elisabeth moves in time. Elisabeth counters with an elbow of her own and Gumpel moves in time.]
[In the front row.]
Kyle: This is weak, dude. They keep missing each other.
[In the ring.]
[Gumpel had Elisabeth pinned in the corner and is delivering a series of body shots. Mills Lane steps in and breaks them up. Elisabeth ducks under the middle rope and on the the floor. Gumpels dives over the top in a flying cross body block.]
[In the front row.]
[Sheila is trying to rip up her "Cartman is biggest fat ass in all the world!", when suddenly the sign changes to, "Sheila loves Pip!"]
Sheila: No, I don't!! I love Eric!!
[Pip sees the sign from across the arena.]
Pip: <thinking> My prayers have been answered!
[A lighting fixture falls from the ceiling and crushes Pip.]
Man #1: Oh, look! That light killed that annoying French kid!!
Man #2: Lets get drunk!! Woohoo!!
[In the front row.]
Kyle: I think Dave is pushing things a little too far.
Stan: <moving away from Kyle just a little bit> Yeah, you said it.
[In the ring.]
[Gumpels picks up Elisabeth and slams her to the mat, then climbs the turn buckle and leaps, doing a laid out backflip and landing squarly on Elisabeth.]
[In the front row.]
Kyle: Wow! Who would have thought Gumpels could do that?
[In the ring.]
[Gumpels gets the 1-2-3 and the win.]
[In the front row.]
Sheila: Finally, this fic is over!
Kyle: Um, Sheila.
Sheila: What!?
Kyle: Um, nothing.
Stan: <whispering> Aren't you going to tell her?
Kyle: <whispering> That we have 3 more parts to go through? No way! I don't have a death wish, dude.
TO BE CONTINUED . . . . . .