I see this as my greatest achievment, yet. Despite it's name, it is a fanfic. I've incoperated fanfic authors without they're permission, but I don't care. They were vital for this to be a sucess and no doubt it'll be very, very long. If anyone has the URL for the Fanfic contest, it would be appritiated. Do you submit or are you nomiated? Please tell me!
Stumpy's Spoof 'o' Rama!
Dimension X
A guy sits in a chair, typing happily into his computer. He looks up, drinks from the coffee mug and looks back down.
"GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE!" He screams.
Dimension Y
A variety of people sit in a room, all typing onto different computers. They all have name tags.
Their names are:
Kyle Broflofski Martin Hazelbower Alyssa Kim the davester
They all look at you.
"Who are you?" You quickly run away.
Dimension Z
Stan, Kyle, Cartman and Kenny all stand at the bus stop. Nothing seems to be happening.
STAN: Dude, this seriously sucks, I mean, we've been standing here for two weeks!
KYKE: Yeah, I mean, nothing strange has happened. Talking poos, rampant turkeys, salty chocolate balls, I mean, the closest thing to strange is that cartman actually HASN'T put on weight!
CARTMAN: What about my anal probe? Forget about that? (Suddenly, BARBARA STRESILAND lands next to them. She wears a magicians hat and has a fake owl on her shoulder. She waves her wand and the lights go out.)
Dimension Y
"Do you think we should write something?" Asked Kyle.
"I'm not sure," Kim replied, pondering her exsistence. "Should I have the cheese sandwich, or the branston pickle one? Sorry Kyle, whad'ya say?"
The Davester sits on the table. He wears all black and has a goatee. "This...is seriously, whack." "Oh-kay. Alyssa? What do you think?"
"Yeah, whatever, I'm currently working on my next work. Cartman gets hepititus B." "Do you have any idea HOW you obtain Hepititus B?
"Er, no."
"Right, I'm guessing you know about the birds and the bees?" Alyssa looks baffled. "Procreation? Mating? Making babies?" No repsonse from Alyssa. "Sex?"
"OH! We're on the same wavelength now. You get hepititus B from sex?"
"Uh-huh." She sits in thought. "Martin, I got an idea, let's right spoofs!" "Are you callin' me a poof?" Martin asks, glaring at her.
"NO! I mean, let's right crappy 'fics (No offence to you guys, you all write great work!) that rip the piss out of amazing films."
"Like the Truman Show?"
"No, that sucked." Just then, Merlin lands next to him, a whoosh of his wand and the lights go out.
Dimension X
"HAH! You thought barbara streisland was going to transport the kids to Dimension Y. WRONG! Just before, Barbrady ran her over and she died. Then, a temporary space/time rip sends the boys hurtling into a weird freaky dimension were they play roles in films that I will openly make fun of. That dimension, is the Dimension Q." I turn back, and begin to type. The screen begins to fade out.
"WAIT! The other authors....another Space/Time rip sends them into Dimension Z, that oughta do it. Merlins drycleaning was done and he needed to pick up his robe." It fades out.
Dimension Q
'SouthTanic'
Underwater, a guy is in a minisub.
GUY: I've found it! The Southtanic, and on it, my prize, the lost medalion of Wendy!
A crumbly old Wendy sits in a chair with a yellow pages in her hand.
WENDY: Do you have flyfishing by J.R Hartly? You do! Can you find my lost medalion I lost when Southtanic sank? YOU CAN!
A helecopter flies over a ship. It lands and WENDY Gets out.
They all sit in the bridge.
WENDY: That's my picture, and that's my medalion. (She looks at a picture that looks like it's been drawn by a three year old.)
GUY: Hi, my names Chet. Were's your medalion? (He has brown hair.)
WENDY: I had it when we were going down.
GINGER GUY: I know, but were you wearing it when the ship sank?
WENDY: I think so, but now I'll tell a long boring story that is a complete waste of time.
Wiggly lines symbolise flying back in time. They end up by a port as a car pulls up.
WENDY VOICE OVER: To some, it was the ship of dreams. To me, it was the ship of shit.
WENDY: (Steps out of car.) Oh my god, it's pathetic!
CARTMAN: (Plays Cal) Pathetic? It's the southtanic!
WENDY: It looks like it's made out of cardboard and bendy straws. (It is made out of cardboard and bendy straws.)
CARTMAN: The highest quality bendy straws know to man! And know less three empty washing up liquid bottles!
WENDY: I bet if you opened that door they'll be another. That's 'one I made earlier'.(They board, walking up the ramp with the writing 'Shite express' written on the side. Stan and Kyle run along. Stan plays Jack whilst Kyle plays that italian guy.)
STAN: We're the luckiest sons of a bitches alive!
KYLE: Yes, we are! (They run on. The flick runs on a bit.)
WENDY VOICE OVER: I was a depressed young women that was under the control of a man that thought from his crotch. I'm so dumb! (The young wendy runs onto the back of the ship.)
WENDY: I WAS A FOOL! TO THINK I COULD LOVE A FAT MAN! (She climbs over the rails and is about to jump off.
STAN: Hey wait! Don't jump or something!
WENDY: (Looks back. Stan walks forward a bit.) STAY BACK! I'LL JUMP!
STAN: No you wont.
WENDY: Why?
STAN: You're the narrator.
WENDY: Oh yeah, Well, should I dangle for a bit and you save me?
STAN: whatever works for you. (She slips and begins to fall.)
WENDY: AH AH! Help me please, I may drown! (Stan runs over and grabs her hand. He pulls her up and over. She falls onto him and she begins to kiss him.) I'm accidently shoving my tounge down your throat. (Stan blows chunks. It dribbles out her mouth as Cartman arrives.)
CARTMAN: Get your mits off my girl! You can't be more than ten years old!
WENDY: But he's playing leonardo DeCaprio!
CARTMAN: Then he should join us for dinner!
Later that night in the restaurant...
CARTMAN: And then they shoved a probe up my ass. I can tell you, it hurt! (Chortles.) Mr. Marsh, were are you staying?
STAN: My current adress is here.
LADY: What did you do before you came here?
STAN: i spent the first ten years of my life in a two bit town. I promised, if I ever got out, I would live life to the full!
LADY: Here Here! To life to the full! (Everyone clinks glasses.)
In the room Wendy is staying...
Wendy flicks through Stan's book of pictures.
WENDY: My god, they're all...
STAN: Shit?
WENDY: That's the word. Oh, your french girls are so bad!
STAN: I know.
WENDY: Draw me Stan, in my medalion.
STAN: OK. (She takes off her clothes and a censor bar covers her 'lower organ'. She puts on a gold medailion.)
STAN: Wow Wendy, that's real pretty! Where'd ya get it?
WENDY: Jim gave it to me.
STAN: Captain Kirk?
WENDY: No, Jimmy Saville. He fixed it so I could be in this film. Now, draw me like a french girl.
STAN: What, really badly?
WENDY: And completly NUDE. (She stretches her amrs above her head and closes her eyes.)
STAN: All done.
WENDY: Huh? That was like thirty seconds.
STAN: I know.
Fade back to old Wendy. She has a ciggarette in her mouth and a bottle of champagne in her hand.
OLD WENDY: It was the most erotic moment of my life.
Back to the ship. They're at the front. The scene were rose is on the front.
WENDY: I'm flying! What the hell is that stuff?
STAN: Crete paper. (a dreadful sound is in the background.)
WENDY: What's that?
STAN: Oh shit! It's Celine Dion!
CELINE: And You're a cartoon!
and I know that the series will go on!
Front there, kenny dying everywere, and I see tha cartman's put on weight!
Crow's nest.
GUY #1: Bollocks! Look!
GUY #2: (Picks up the phone.) I-berg, wight head.
CAPTAIN: WHAT?
GUY #1: Sorry, chinese guy, ah-hem. ICE BERG! RIGHT AHEAD! (the captains runs out onto deck.)
CAPTAIN: EVERYONE ON DECK! THE SPECIAL EFFECTS ARE STARTING! (people run out. They hit the iceberg and it cuts along the side.)
STAN is trapped in a room with the water level round his waist. Wendy runs in with an axe
STAN: TAKE YOUR TIME!
WENDY: I'll save you! (She swings it down and it cuts through his forehead)
STAN: Thank god I don't have a brain.
Stan and Wendy run by Cartman, who has a baby elephant under his arm.
CARTMAN: THIS IS MY SON! MOVE!
BABY: Don't spoil yourself you bastard!
KENNETH MOORE: Hello, I can see that this is dreadfully similar to my movie 'Hooray for Bollywood'. Just this script is crap and you've got Celine Dion singing the theme tune. (Cartman punches him out.)
CARTMAN: Get lost black and white boy.
They perch on the end of the boat.
WENDY: Oh stan this is were we first met!
STAN: How Ironic, we're going to die here as well, shame. (The boat goes vertical and snaps. Everyone falls off except Stan, Wendy, Kenny and Kyle.)
KYLE: This a sucks! (He falls and it turned into a pulpy mess on the propellors. Kenny follows. The boat goes vertical and it begins to sink.
WENDY: Nothing can come between us now Stan.
STAN: (just before boat sinks.) Did I mention I was Gay? (Goes under.)
Wendy lays on a door. Stan in water.
STAN: I'm not going to make it Wendy <cough cough> I think I'm going to die.
WENDY: You can't die, what about the sequel?!
STAN: (Begins to go under.) I'm sure they'll find a way to bring me back. (Sinks under and disapears all 'DeCaprio stlye.'
WENDY: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
Deck of research ship.
WENDY: Little do they know I had my medal all the time. (She buffs it up with her shirt. It read 'Jim'll fix it.'
JIMMY SAVILLE: Well, Well, Well, what do we have here?
WENDY: shit, it's jimmy saville.
JIMMY: Dear Mister Saville, please send the broad form 'Southtanic' back to the sea were she belongs, from, everyone in the world. Well, what about this? (Picks up wendy and throws her overboard.)
WENDY: AH!
Credits roll by, celine sings in the background.
Celine: And you're a cartoon!
Front, there, kenny dying everywere,
I can't belive Cartman's put on weight!
Dimension X
"First spoof done." It fades away as he speaks. "What next?" Laughs like a psycho.
Dimension Z
Kyle, Dave, Alyssa, Kim and Martin stand at the bus stop.
KYLE: Dibs on Kyle!
DAVESTER: Why? Just because you've got the name.
KYLE: SO, got a problem punk? I'm Kyle.
DAVESTER: Fine, I'm Stan.
KIM: Dibs on Kenny.
ALYSSA: Guess I have to be Pip then.
KYLE: There's always Clyde.
ALYSSA: I'm Clyde! Sorry Martin, you're fatass.
MARTIN: SCREW YOU YOU SON OF A BITCH! I'LL KICK YOU IN THE NUT SACK! GODDAMN PIECE OF HIPPIE CRAP!
Dimension X
"Enough of that, another spoof and I may think about getting the other authors back out of South Park. I think I'll call this, Sqweem." Stan, Kenny, Kyle and Cartman burst in.
"OH No you piece of monkey crap! We're running the show now!" Cartman shouted at me, spitting in my face.
"Huh? What? How the hell did you get here?"
"We found a portal thingy that wasn't closed, and after celine dion, WE ARE NOT DOING ANOTHER SPOOF!" Stan blared.
"Really? I was going to make Cartman the head of Cheesy Poofs and Kyle have lots of sexy beautiful women. Kenny would have a thriving porn industry and Stan would have the ability to...click his fingers and women would come flocking!"
"You guys," Cartman said. "I really think he's OK now. Let's go back and hope he screws the other guys instead of us."
"Well the next fic better be a good one!" Screamed Stan, his eyeballs alomst out his head.
"Okay then, happy? Chodes."
Dimension Z
The credits role by as Kyle, Martin, Alyssa, Kim and Dave sit in the school bus.
KYLE: What the hell is going on?!
KIM: DAMMMIT! HE'S WRITING AN EPISODE!
MARTIN: WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE! (Suddenly, Kyle morphs into Kyle's clothes, Dave into Stan's trdemark clothes, Alyssa into Clydes clothes, Kim into a parka and Martin into a bobble hat and a blue jumper.)
KIM: NO! Credits finish.
School yard. Kyle, Kim, Dave, Alyssa and Martin stand by the monkey bars as Martin sractches his crotch.
KYLE: Dammit Martin! If you'e gonna masturbate do it in a public toilet!
MARTIN: I'm not masturbating, I'm not George Michael and by balls are itching like hell! THey also hurt like hell!
KIM: MMPPHHMHMMPHMHM!
KYLE: SICK!
DAVESTER: His cat does that?!
KIM: MMHPPPHMHMHPMHPHMHH.
DAVESTER: OH, hehe.
MARTIN: GET SCREWED! (Storms off walking like an old lady.)
KYLE: Somethign is seriously up with Cartman.
KIM: MMHMPM....MPMHMPMH. (Pulls back the Parka and reviels her face.) That's better. I said, let's get the fuck outta here before he kills me!
ALYSSA: Alright, let's roll.
DAVESTER: Are we showing characteristics of the characters in the show?
KYLE: I don't know. (A baby Gyrex runs up to Kyle.) WHAT THE HELL!?
GYREX: That asshole has made me Ike! Goddammit! I'm gonna wring his scrawny neck when I see him!
KYLE: GYRO, run, I have the undesirable urge to kick you in the rectum. Ready Gyrex? Kick the fanfic author!
GYREX: FIGHT THE URGE KYLE! IF NOT FOR ME, THINK OF THE CHILDREN!
KYLE: Ready Gyrex? Kick the Fanfic author! (Voice slowly rises.)
GYREX: Don't kick the fanfic author.
KYLE: Kick the fanfic author. (Gyrex is sent flying over the school walls and into oncoming traffic.)
DAVESTER: I wanna find out what this ep is about! YO! STUMPY!
ME: (Voice from no where.) What? Can't you see I'm busy? I'm trying to figure out were Martin's ran off to, and I'm trying to decide if I should revive Gyrex or not.
DAVESTER: What's the title of todays fic?
ME: Cartman gets herpees, now leave me alone!
KYLE: What are herpees?
ME: (Zipping back.) Testicle lumps.
KYLE: SICK!
Martin's house. Kim rings on doorbell. Mrs. Hazelbower steps out. She looks identical to Ms. Cartman except she has a tray of granola instead of cookies.
KIM: Hey Mrs. Hazelbower. Is Martin in?
MRS. HAZELBOWER: Yes he is sweetie. Would you like to see him?
KIM: Please. We need to talk to him about something.
MRS. HAZELBOWER: Sure Sweeties. C'mon in.
KYLE: (mouths to Alyssa.) Sweeties? (Alyssa shrugs. They walk into tge lounge where Martin sits, cookies to his left and tofu to his right.)
MARTIN: This is seriously fucked up right here. I mean, tofu? Granola? Itchy Balls?
KYLE: Martin, have you, examined them yet? Are they lumpy?
MARTIN: None of your godamn buisness!
KYLE: You better look cuz the title is 'Cartman gets herpees' and since you're playing cartman, we guessed thatyou have herpees.
MARTIN: What are herpees?
KYLE: Testicle warts.
MARTIN: AGH! (faints.)
KIM: It went better than I hoped.
KYLE: What did you hope for?
ALYSSA: I'm a quick thinker, and I don't want to know. (Martin comes to.)
MARTIN: I'm off to toms rhinoplasty, get these warts removed.
DAVESTER: NO! YOU CAN'T! We must get out of this episode and get that SOB for locking us in here, I can't even contemplete what he's done to the real South Parkiens.
MARTIN: I must put cartoons before itchy balls. Let's get outta here. (takes a step and stops.) Where are we going exactly?
KYLE: Don't know. We could go and root arouns Barbara Streislands old secret countain condo.
ALYSSA: OK.
KIM: Let's roll!
DAVESTER: Kick ass.
KYLE: Sweet!
MARTIN: MY BALLS HURT! (they look at him,) Well they do...
Barbara Steisland's secret moutain condo...
Marton roots round all the cupboards, whilst Kyle and Kim explore the dungeons. Alyssa looks round the science lab whilst Dave checks out the entertainment centre.
KIM: You'll find nothing there Dave
DAVESTER: Really? What's this then? (He holds a box with 'Dimension jump' written on the side.) BWAHAHAHA! STUMPY! WE'RE COMING FOR YA!
ME: What?! SHIT! (The box quickly catches fire and jumps out the window.) HA! Now who's laughing?
KYLE: YOU YOU SELFISH FACIST BASTARD!
ME: Fine, ou wont get out and I'm going to do something horrific to Stan, Kenny, Cartman and Kyle. MWAHAHAHAHA!
KIM: Nice goin' Dave!
MARTIN: That was my cure for herpees!
ALYSSA: I don't usually join in verbal abuse but, YOU BASTARD!
KYLE: Dammit dave!
Comercial Break.
Dimension X
I sit in my chair, typing rapidly into the computer as I change the rest of the fanfic. Originally, I was going to let Stan and the gang loose in the Scream movie, but I've found something more sinister and corrupt than that. And you'll have to watch or read Cartman, Martin gets herpees to find out what happens!" I continue to type in the dark room.
Dimension Z
School Cafeteria
DAVESTER: Will you guys forgive me for what I did?
KYLE: NO!
KIM: GET SCREWED HIPPY!
MARTIN: Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! (Ad nasuem)
ALYSSA: Shut up Martin, we're stuck here to find out what happens to your godamn balls because of the Davester over here. For once, I'm really pissed.
DAVESTER: I'm getting some more tater tots, anyone want anything else?
MARTIN: Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
DAVESTER: Two more puddings?
MARTIN: Eeeee! (Dave walks to the kitchen)
DAVESTER: Hey Chef.
CHEF: Hey Dave. How's it going?
DAVESTER: Bad.
CHEF: Bad? WHy Bad?
DAVESTER: Well, there's this guy who's controlling mine and my friends lives. He's Stumpy the Grasshopper.
CHEF: THE stumpy the grasshopper!
DAVESTER: I know of only one.
CHEF: I'm an all time fan! He rules! My favourite is Miss Ellen: The bitch is back, that rocked!
DAVESTER: Well, he's gone and trapped us all from fanfiction land.
KYLE: (shouts) FANFICTION LAND? WHAT THE HELL IS THAT CRAP!?
DAVESTER: and he snatched Stan and co from here. He changed them around and is running there lives through different scenarios. For us, Martin has herpees. We don't know about the other guys but it's probably bad. I insulted him and he took away our ticket home.
CHEF: SOrry kid, I've never seen him. If I do, I'll ask.
DAVSTER: Thanks Chef. (Walks off with puddings and tatertots. Sits back town where Martins hips are gyrating.)
KIM: What is up with your hips Martin?
MARTIN: I don't know! (His hips thrust forward and latch onto Kim's fac. She begins to suffocate.)
KYLE: It's his herpees! They're killing Kim! BASTARDS! (Kim's face goes white and she dies. Martin's herpees give out a victory cry as they detatch themselves from his genitailia and run off.)
ALYSSA: OK, that was differnt. Doesn't someone shout something about now? Kyle?
KYLE: Oh yeah, OH MY GOD! THE HERPEES KILLED KIM!
DAVESTER: YOU BASTARD! Is that the episode over?
KYLE: Don't know, maybe. (End theme music begins to play.)
ALYSSA: What happens after the episode?
MARTIN: Well, there's that braniff thing and then the comedy centrel logo, then some ads.
KYLE: So where do we go?
DAVESTER: Into the void of space until either: A: some writing writes an episode or B: We wait a week until next weeks episode or C: We sit around in dressing rooms watching terrence and philip.
KYLE: C sounds good.
DAVESTER: Always was my lucky letter.
MARTIN: Hoping for C
ALYSSA: (Chants for C. Lights blip out.)
KYLE: Oh Sh- (Sound cuts out.)
Dimension X
I sit there, thinking about what I'm about to unleash onto the unsuspecting children of South Park. "Shall I? Shall I not?"
I say, quietly chewing on the end of a pen. "I shall."
Dimension Q
Stan, Kenny, Cartman and Kyle sit on the dressing room watching the latest episode. Even though you can't see Kenny's mouth, it's bound to be hanging open like Kyle and Stan's. Cartman is white and trembling.
CARTMAN: I-I-I-I-I don't like him!
STAN: Niether do I! If he comes near me, I'll beat him to a bloody pulp. (Kim, Alyssa, Kyle, Dave and martin walk in.-
KYLE: How conveniant that we came here.
KIM: Quite. Hey! It's Stan! You rule!
STAN: Did you just see what he did to Cartman!?
KIM: We were *in* that episode.
MARTIN: My balls still hurt.
CARTMAN: If that son-of-a-bitch comes near me I'll kick him sqwa in the nut sack!
ALYSSA: Comes near me I'll nail his scrotum to the floor. (Kyle disapears followed by everyone else.)
KIM: Where'd they go?
KLYE: I can only guess to another spoof.
MARTIN: May god have mercy on their souls.
A concert hall.
Stan and Kyle face the chairs.
STAN: Dude, this sucks.
VOICES: La la laa, la la la la la laaa. La la laa laa laaa laaa.
KYLE: He hasn't...
KENNY: NOOOOOOO! I'M NOT EVEN THIS EVIL! THINK OF IT, SATAN ISN'T EVEN THIS EVIL!
CARTMAN: Maybe if I close my eyes they'll go away.
STAN: They wont fatass, Stumpy has landed us in the....
Dimension X
"SPICE GIRLS MOVIE!" I laugh like a psycho. I'm clubbed from behind and the assalant drags my body away. She or he types into the pc.
Dimension Q
Geri: When you're feeling...
STAN: NONONONON! YOU SICK TWISTED EVIL BASTARD! (A large mini gun apears in his hands. He looks across at the spice girls and smiles wickedly.)
Dimension X
I club the attacker with the keyboard and type into it. I decide to bring something even more worse into the equation.
Dimension Q
MORE VOICES: MMMBOP! DE BOP DE BOO OP! DOBEDOOBEBE!
STAN: NO! HANSON!
KYLE: IS THERE NO END TO HIS REIGN OF TERROR?! (They all suddenly disapear and they're transported to dimension X
Dimension X
I lie, curled into a corner, unconscious and bruised as my attacker apears from the shadows. She drops the mouse and picks up the monitor, bringing it down onto my head. She dusts her hands and grabs the nails.
"I said I'd nail his scrotum to the floor." She wickled cackled.
"ALyssa no! We've got something even worse to use on him." Kyle said, putting the nails back onto the table.
"What?" Asked Kim.
"His computer." Dave said, building soon into a wicked laugh.
I drowsely wake up with a thumping headache and take in my surronding area quickly. It seemed like a warehouse, but an all to familear warehouse. I'd seen it before, recently. Oh no, it's the torture scene from resevoir dogs!
"NO!" I bellow. I loo over and see a can of gasoline and matches.
"Believe me, it's going to be far FAR worse." Kyle Said evily.
"How bad?"
"Take you, times it by satan and then square it."
"Oh that's bad."
"Oh yea it is, and we're going to sit back, and type away." She walks away into a sound proof booth and all nine of them type into a computer.
"If you wannabe my lover, you gotta get with my friends..."
"NO! PLEASE GOD NO! KILL ME NOW! LET ME DIE! ANYTHING BUT THIS!" I pull against my bonds. no movement.
"MMMbop, de dop doo wop, dede da ba boo opp dibbi da da doo, yeah-yeah!"
I start to shake all over. "It's psychological warfare. WHAT DO YOU WANT?!"
"For Stan, Kyle, Kenny and Cartman to live in peace from you evil rule!"
"OK! OK! ANYTHING!" The bonds disapear, but Stan, Cartman, Kenny and Kyle stand there with baseball bats.
"GET HIM BOYS!" Screams Cartman as everyting goes horribly, horrible pear shaped.
I awake with a startle and look at the glowing screen. The final scene of my fanfic. Phew! I was a dream, a lousy dream. I try and sit up but I'm hindered by something. Paster!? AGH! NO DREAM!
"Yes, no dream. Guess what, we have the PC now..." Martin said evilly from the corner, his eyes glitning in the sunlight.
Sans Fanfic
Written by: Stumpy "I am afraid of everythign teenyboppy-like" T. Grasshopper.