"When Good Gods Do Bad Things" by Xebot
ACT I -- The Winds of Cartman
(Scene: School cafeteria. Chef is behind the counter. We can barely see Kenny eating at a table in the lower corner of the screen. Cartman enters.)
Chef: Hi, children.
Cartman: Hi, Chef. What's for lunch? I hope it's good because this day really sucked! Every goddamn thing went wrong!
Chef: Well, we HAD roast beef, but the health department took it all away; something about it being infected with mad-cow disease. I just hope that they arrived in time, before it was served to any of the students. I can't recall who ordered what.
(Kenny grabs his throat.)
Cartman: What's left?
Chef: Just Rosie O'Donnel eggplant, tofu-tots, and corn-poopies.
Cartman: NO!!! It's STILL happening! Everything this day has been totally f**ked! This day sucked the oysters out of Seinfeld's last episode! It's like God has it IN FOR ME! "Hello, Eric?" Yes, Mr. God? "Eric, I have decided to f**k your ass into kitty-litter." Uh, OK, Mr. God; just leave a twenty on the nightstand like my uncle's do. Call me in the morning, will you?
(Kenny stumbles, still holding throat.)
Chef: You shouldn't blame the Divine One for every problem. After all, if God didn't make little green apples, then black's ain't hung like appaloosas.
Cartman: Do you think ... I might have offended the Big Cheesy-Poof?
(Kenny drops to floor, dead.)
Chef: You DO poke fun at His chosen people, the Jews.
Cartman: Why did He choose the Jews over normal people?
Chef: See?! There you go again!!! Damn! I can't believe I just quoted Ronald Reagan without a punch-line!
Cartman: Maybe that's the answer. I need to get with the winning team! I'll become a Jew! Uh, how much does it cost?
Chef: Go home, Eric.
Cartman: Damn right, go home! You let my people go home! If some Pharoah kept my people in bondage, I'd be saying, like, "Hey, Pharee, you let my people go, or ... my God will kick your God in the nuts! You anti-semenite!"
ACT II -- The "Jesus Problem"
(Scene: School room. Mr. Garrison is alone at the chalk board. Cartman enters.)
Cartman: Mr. Garrison, I've decided to turn Jewish.
Mr. Garrison: That's a mighty big step, Eric, isn't it Mr. Hat?
Mr. Hat: Aren't there enough lawyers, Mr. Garrison?
Cartman: I want God to stop f**king with me!
Mr. Garrison: I remember a story from the Bible, about a good man who loved and worshipped God, but was punished in order to test his faith. His name was Steve Jobs. And because Bill Gates is the Devil, Microsoft decided to punish us all by inventing soccer moms...
(Scene: Dressing room of Jesus' talk show. Jesus is looking at himself in the makeup mirror.)
Jesus: (To Himself.) I look like sh*t. Oh well, I've got a couple months before the end of the world.
(Cartman enters.)
Jesus: Hello, my son.
Cartman: Hello, nothing, you Jewish has-been! You been oppressing us Jewish people too long! You look like crap! What's the matter, been hittin' the bottle again? You look drunker than the Pope on payday! Gosh ... "Jesus" ... "Hitler" ... they sound kind-a similar, don't they?!
Jesus: I was born a Jew, and basically still am. Christianity is about love, not doctrine. I'm here to bring hope to everybody: that God isn't just for Jews, anymore. Our marketing team was unanimous on this approach. I'll stand behind the numbers. I was also a lousy carpenter. What's your point?
Cartman: I want you to stop perspiring us Jewish people!
Jesus: But, you're not Jewish, Eric.
Cartman: Is this just an excuse to cut-off my fireman?!
Jesus: Go in peace my son; but please, go...
ACT III -- Jews R Us
(Scene: Outside of the Broflovski house. In the background, Kenny is humping a cow, madly. Cartman walks up, rings the bell. Mr. Broflovski answers.)
Mr. B: Hi, Eric.
Cartman: Shalom, bro'. I just converted to Jew-ishness. I think I need one of those kewl Yakuza berets us people wear.
Mr. B: What? You mean a yarmulke? What are you talking about?
Cartman: God told me. He kept f**king with me until I saw the light.
Mr. B: But, just because you had some rough times is no reason to change religions.
Cartman: But wouldn't God like me better as a lawyer, doctor, or comedy writer?
Mr. B: No! Just like everybody else, many Jews disagree on the nature of God. Personally, I think that God just got bored, and doesn't give a sh*t what we do. Most of the misery on this planet is caused by Man or random chance. That's my belief. Anyway, a string of bad luck is no reason to change religions.
Cartman: But I wanna be a rich Jew!
Mr. B: Eric, you may not remember the roots of your anti-semitism, but I do; and that's the only reason I tolerate that crap from you. When you were four or five, you weren't as big as you are now. Kyle was, ah ... a precocious child, and used to whip the tar out of you. You're just expressing the anger and frustration you weren't able to express back then -- only now, you sound like an asshole.
Cartman: Kyle never kicked anybody's ass! This is just crap. You're messin' wit my Hebrew mind! I'm going farblondzhet! What did I just say?! (Pauses.) Wait ... I do remember. That asshole Kyle used to beat me up! I'll kick that bastard in the nuts!
Mr. B: Do you understand the reason for your anti-Jewish feelings, now?
Cartman: Gosh, Mr. B., I never heard you talk so much before.
Mr. B: That's because Sheila's not around -- but don't tell her I said that, huh?
Cartman: You got it, Mr. B. Well, I guess that Jews can be just like normal people.
Mr. B: It's like fat people; they're not all jolly ... some of them are just ignorant assholes.
Cartman: You make a lot of sense, Mr. B. Maybe I've been wrong on this whole thing. I'd be honored to borrow money from you people, anytime.
Mr. B: Well, I guess for YOU, Eric, that's SOME kind of progress!
Cartman: (Walking away, whispering.) Just don't kill Jesus anymore ...
Mr. B: ERIC!!!
(Scene: Outside. Stan, Kyle, Ike, and Kenny are standing around. Cartman enters.)
Cartman: Guess what? Kyle's father is really kewl. I guess that Jews are just like anybody else.
Stan: (To Kyle) Dude, is somebody playing the Twilight Zone theme?
Kyle: (To Stan) They must be SOMEWHERE!
Cartman: And I learned that Jesus was a Jew, but got kicked-out because he was too poor. That's why Kenny can't be a Jew like I was ...
Kyle: I'm gonna kick your fat-ass until Ike says "stop!"
Ike: Carmun pooh-pooh!
THE END.