The Quest for All Things Kenny Kenny... *yawn* unmasked... Like it hasn't happened before. :)
Uh... one more thing, about Mrs. Crabtree and Pip... We're reading Great Expectations in english (*yawn* [the class, not the book]), and our teacher has a habit of pronouncing Pip's name that way...
So whaddya think about it, is is spiffy or hella-sucky?
-- SCENE: Mr. Garrison's classroom ----------
Mr. Garrison: So you see, children, this is why it's bad to be a whore, or
have one for a mother...
Kenny: {Especially if she's Cartman's mom!}
(Everybody looks at Cartman)
Cartman: Keep your goddamn eyes at the *front* of the room, bitches!
Mr. Garrison: Eric! I thought we had a talk about these tantrums!
Cartman: Well, those assholes were staring at me!
Mr. Garrison: Eric, I will not tolerate profanity from anyone in the classroom!
So get the hell down to the principal's office before I whip your
f<bleep>king ass!(Cartman gets down and walks to the door. As soon as he's out of it, he says:) Cartman: Son of a bitch. Mr. Garrison (yelled): I heard that, Eric!!!
-- SCENE: The principal's office ----------
(Cartman is seated opposite of Principal Victoria)
Principal Victoria: Okay, Eric, these temper tantrums have got to stop!
Little boys do not just cuss out everybody in the room,
it's considered rude, by gosh!
Cartman: Eh, I'll have you know that they all called me a whore!
P. Victoria: Really?
Cartman: No, but Mr. Garrison said 'whore' and everybody looked at me!
P. Victoria: Mr. Garrison said the 'w' word in class?
Cartman: Well, duh! What do you think we've been learning about the past
month? History and crap like that?!-- SCENE: Mr. Macky's office ----------
(Shot of Mr. Macky and his desk. We cannot see who he's talking to [� la
Ike's Bris])
Mr. Macky: Swearing is bad, mm-kay? If you swear, you're bad.
Mr. Garrison: Yes, Mr. Macky.
Mr. Macky: Now, we'll have to get a substitute, and you'll be laid off for
about a month.
Mr. Garrison: Wha- what?!
Mr. Macky: Now, if you stop swearing, we may let you back on earlier, but in
the meantime, you'd better get a job serving tacos or something.
Mr. Garrison: I can't serve tacos! I taught most of those other boys myself,
and they'd hate me! And spit on me!
Mr. Macky: Tough cowpies, Mr. Garrison.-- SCENE: The office ---------- Secratary: Okay, Mr. Garrison, just sign here and we'll let you go.
(Cartman exits the pricipal's office)
Mr. Garrison (doesn't notice Cartman): Date of birth... hm...
Secratary: Now, if you don't swear for a whole week, we'll let you back in to
help the substitute out.
Mr. Garrison: What about Mr. Hat?
Secratary: Uh... he can stay here and help the substitute... I guess...
Mr. Garrison: Well, I'd better warn you. Without me there to watch him, he has
a drinking problem.
Secratary: Uh.... right. Just don't swar, okay?
Mr. Garrison: Da- uh, darn. Okay, I promise I won't swear.(He collects the papers, turns around, and see Cartman)
Mr. Garrison: YOU!
Cartman: Duh!
Mr. Garrison: Don't be a smartass with me, Eric! Because of your stupid-ass
tattling, I'm being laid off by a bunch of sons of bitches!!!!
Secretary: Okay, well, I guess we can scratch the 'no-swearing-for-a-week'
idea...(Garrison leaves the room, in a huff) Cartman: What the hell was his problem?
(A new kid enters the room. He wears a cap that obscures his face) Secretary: Oh, you must be the new kid. Name? New Kid: Uh, Da- Billy. Cartman: Heh, heh, what kinda name is "DaeBilly?!" where you from, Kwaziland?! Billy: It's just Billy, fatass! Cartman: Ay! Nobody calls me fatass besides my friends, and Wendy, and, uh, the entire third grade, and- Billy: Oh, shove it. Secretary: Okay, you're being assigned to Mr. Garrison's old room. Billy: Who's teaching there now? Secretary: Mrs. Crabtree. Cartman & Billy: What?! Cartman: Hey, how do you know who she is?! Billy: Uh... she's my aunt. Cartman: Mrs. Crabtree has no relatives! Billy: Uh... erg... that is... gotta go! Late for class! Cartman: What a strange little boy. Billy (quietly): She's not supposed to be teaching!...
-- SCENE: Taco Chime ---------- (Garrison is talking to The Boss, who is very grumpy) Mr. Garrison: Hello, I'd like to apply for a job. The Boss: Doing what? Mr. Garrison: I dunno, I thought this was an escort service. Serving tacos, dumbass. The Boss: Hey... I remember you! You're Mr. Garrison! Mr. Garrison: Uh, yeah, I remember you.... Bob.... The Boss: It's James. Mr. Garrison: Whatever! So can I have the job or not? The Boss: Hey, where's Mr. Hat? Mr. Garrison: Uh- The Boss: Did you and him get married like you were gonna? Mr. Garrison: Oh... eh...
-- SCENE: Mr. Garrison's--er, Mrs. Crabtree's room ---------- Mrs. Crabtree: NOW THEN, WHO CAN TELL ME WHAT YOU DO AT A RED LIGHT?! (A couple of kids raise their hands) Mrs. Crabtree: AAAAH! KEEP YOUR HANDS DOWN!!! Stan: But you just said- Mrs. Crabtree: AAAAAAAAAHH!!!!!!!! Stan: Whatever. Mrs. Crabtree: OKAY, WHAT DO YOU DO, PIMP?! Pip: The name's Pip, not "Pimp." Mrs. Crabtree: OKAY, A WISE GUY!! SEE ME AFTER CLASS!!!! Pip: Oh, bother. Mrs. Crabtree: HOW ABOUT YOU, CLYDE?! Clyde: I dunno, but my parents get out and pee... Stan: Dude! Mrs. Crabtree: YOUR PARENTS ARE THE BASTARDS THAT RUINED MY COAT OF PAINT ON THE BUS?! AAAAHHH!
(Mrs. Crabtree turns around) Stan (to Kyle): I hate that bitch. Mrs. Crabtree: WHAT DID YOU SAY?! Stan: I saved a witch. Mrs. Crabtree: oh. Those aren't real. Stan: I know.
(Enter Billy and Cartman) Cartman: Stupid-ass new kid. Billy: At least I don't trip over my own flab! Cartman: Okay, knock it off with the flab jokes! Mrs. Crabtree: ARE YOU THE NEW KID?! Billy (imitating her): DO I LOOK LIKE IT?!! Mrs. Crabtree: SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP!!!!! Billy: AHHHHAHHH! Mrs. Crabtree: AAAAAAAHAHAH! Billy: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!! Mrs. Crabtree: Okay, sit down.
(Billy sits next to Kenny) Billy: Hey. Kenny: {Uh...} Billy: My name is Da-uh, Billy.
Mrs. Crabtree: OKAY, FOR THE NEXT ASSIGNMENT, YOU WILL BE PUT INTO PARTNERS!
(Class groans, whilst Cartman says 'son of a bitch') Mrs. Crabtree: HERE ARE YOUR GROUPS!
(She posts a piece of paper on her board)
Mrs. Crabtree: NOW GET IN YOUR GROUPS, SHUT UP, AND SIT DOWN!!!! Stan: Whoa.
-- COMMERCIAL ----------
-- SCENE: The town pub ---------- (Garrison and Mrs. Cartman are seated next to each other on the bar) Mr. Garrison (obviously drunk): So they fired me, just because I said 'snore.' Mrs. Cartman: I thought it was 'whore.' Mr. Garrison: Whore, snore <hiccup> whatever. Mrs. Cartman: Well, a nice man shouldn't be treated like that.
(She hugs him, and they start kissing)
Bartender: Hey, if you're gonna do that, get a room, dammit. This ain't a girly bar! Jesus: What? I'm outta here. (Jesus grabs a hat and a trenchcoat and leaves. Mrs. Cartman and Mr. Garrison soon leave)
-- QUICK SCENE: Mrs. Cartman's bedroom ---------- (Garrison and Mrs. Cartman have just... you know. They're under the sheets.) Mr. Garrison: Well, Mr. Hat ain't gonna like that.
-- SCENE: The classroom ---------- (The kids are looking at the groups, trying to find their groups.) Stan: Sweet! Kyle, you're with me! Cartman: Eh, I'm stuck with Kenny. Billy: What?! That's not supposed to ha- uh, who am I with? Stan: Dude, 'Billy,' you're not on here. Billy: Mrs. Crabtree: Mrs. Crabtree: YOU'RE WITH PIMP, BILLY! Pip: It's 'Pip!' Billy: What? Something strange is going on...
(Kenny quickly looks the other way. Mrs. Crabtree gets up and walks to the
front of the room)
Mrs. Crabtree: NOW THEN, YOU WILL LIST TEN REASONS WHY BEING GOOD ON THE BUS IS
A GOOD THING!
Billy: This isn't how it's supposed to happen at all! I'm supposed to be with
Kenny and we're supposed to do portraits of one another. Somebody in
this room must be one of the blessed few!
Stan: Dude, you been smoking crack?
Cartman: Maybe he's just pissed because he's stuck with Pimp.
Pip: It's *PIP*, Eric!
Cartman: Screw you, frenchie! It's the 'amercainized' version of Pip!
Kyle: Dudes, this assignment *really* sucks.
Stan: Yeah, but it's a lot more educational than, say, what Mr. Garrison
teaches.
Billy: This isn't supposed to be what happens!
Cartman: Eh, boy, I'm *sick* of this! Maybe this hat is squeezing your brain
too hard! C'mere!(Cartman knocks off "Billy's" hat to reveal... me. In case you wanna know, I look like what I looked like in Stumpy's Spoof 'o Rama, complete with cape a goatee :) )
Cartman: Oh my god! the_davester: You've ruined it! Somebody in this room is one of the blessed few, and I know who... Stan: Do we know you, Billy? the_davester: It's not Billy, it's the_davester. I am one of the blessed few. Mrs. Crabtree: 'The Blessed Few?!!!' the_davester: fanfic writers, bitch. Mrs. Crabtree: WHAAT?!
(I wave a hand at her and she freezes)
Stan: Oh, my god! He's gonna torture us!
Kyle: Yeah, like Snow does!
the_davester: No, I came here to reveal... what Kenny really looks like...
Kenny: {What?!}
the_davester: But somebody's been foiling my efforts... which means that
a person in this very room is one of the blessed few...
Stan: So...?
the_davester: And I know who!
Stan: Who?
the_davester: Think about it. The *one* person who wouldn't want to be
revealed!
Cartman: David Letterman?
Kyle: No not David Letterman you fat f<bleep>!
the_davester: And the fanfic writer is... him!!!!!(turns and points, and everybody gasps. You don't get to see who I'm pointing to, yet...)
-- SCENE: Mr. Garrison's ---------- (Mr. Garrison has arrived home. Mr. Hat is sitting on the couch, with as intense a look as a puppet can have) Mr. Garrison: I'm home, Mr. Hat... Mr. Hat: You slept with somebody else, didn't you? Mr. Garrison: N-no... (sees Mr. Hat's evil eye) yes... Mr. Hat: It was that Diane Cartman bitch, wasn't it?! Mr. Garrison: Yeah... but I was drunk! Mr. Hat: It is no use... I must kill her firstborn child! Mr. Garrison: Go ahead. I hate little Eric.
(dramatic music)
-- SCENE: Mrs. Crabtree's room ---------- the_davester: And the fanfic writer is... him!!!!!
(Camera pans out, I'm pointing at Kenny!)
Kenny: {What?!}
the_davester: Don't deny it! I saw the way you looked whenever one of my
plans went wrong! You've kidnapped the real Kenny and have
disguised yourself as him!
Kenny: {You're crazy, dude!}
the_davester: And we're gonna see who you really are!
(Approaches Kenny, and pulls off his hood. All you can see is the hood in
my hands. Everybody gasps)
Stan: That's not Kenny!(Dramatic music plays... cut to credits and...)
TO..... BE..... CONTINUED.....
the_"How was it?" davester