Miss Ellen: The Bitch Is Back (Pt II)
Warehouse
Voice Over: When we last left South Park, Kyle had dragged Stan away, Kenny had been turned into toast, Cartman did nothing and Philip had a polygrippinghaushinkadiskinpyshcocheed transplant.
Stan: (Is tied up and Kyle drags bails of hay around.) Kyle, what the hell are you doing?
Kyle: Must complete task for Miss Ellen.
Stan: Miss Ellen? The Lesbian?
Kyle: Miss Ellen high rular of everything gay.
Stan: What the hell!?
Kyle: Yes, she is out claiming another victim.
Stan: Victim, what are you on about?
Kyle: She is an alien. she is 'the chick from species'
Street.
Mr Garrison: Boy Mr. Hat, I haven't had this much fun in ages!
Mr. Hat: Me neither. I sure wish we could kill Kathy Lee.
Mr. Garrison: Mr Hat, we agreed not to talk about that, or the nasty men in white coats will bind us up again. (Hoards of homosexuals run after him.) Come get me big boys!
Cartman's house
Cartman: (Sits on couch. The mice are busy roasting marshmallows over kenny's still burning body. Door slams shut.) MAH!
Ms. Cartman: Yes hun?
Cartman: my friend Kyle dragged Stan away, and he then killed Kenny. I was wondering...WHAT IN GODS NAME IS GOING ON!?
Ms. Cartman: (Pauses) I know it may be tough, but do you want some snaky cakes?
Cartman: Screw those guys, bring on the cakes. (Turns on tv.) Sweet, Terrence and Philip.
Terrence: Philip, some guy came up to me and stuck something up my ass.
Philip: What was it?
Terrence: I don't know, he made a few noises, and he then left.
Philip: Sick dude!
Terrence: Then he said 'you good little slut, by yourself a dress'
Philip: I think you just got butt-screwed Terrence. (Cartman sees the room his half painted white.)
Terrence: I'll bend over and you have a look.
Philip: OK. (Phone rings.) Wait there, don't move, I'll be right back. (Camera follows Philip. He picks up phone.) Hello? No you butt pipe, this is 555-8909. (Hangs up. Walks back to Terrence. The other ha lf of the room is painted white too.) Dude! You worked fast.
Terrence: No, I farted. HA HA HA HA HA!
Philip: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
Cartman: Mah, what's a slut?
Ms. Cartman: (Leans in doorway.) A slut? I'm not too sure.
Cartman: Dammit!
School
Cartman: Hey, where's Kyle and Stan?
Wendy: Where's my boyfriend lardass?
Cartman: Kyle dragged him off last night. (Low and behold, Kyle walks in.)
Wendy: Kyle, where's Stan??
Kyle: I don't know, he came to my house and left lickity-split.
Cartman: Oh my god...
Kyle: What?
Cartman: You said lickity split.
Kyle: No I didn't.
Cartman: You did, my mom says only gay people say lickity-split.
Kyle: I'm not gay
Cartman: That's whatr you belive.
Wendy: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH STAN!
Kyle: He is currently tied up in a warehouse.
Wendy: AGH!
Miss Ellen: OK class, today we are going to be talking about - yes wendy?
Wendy: YOU BITCH! YOU BITCH! YOU BITCH!
MIss Ellen: Thank you for your controbution.
Wendy: Where's Stan!
Miss Ellen: At his house I supose.
Wendy: Kyle said he was in a warehouse!
Cartman: My Mah told me a joke about a warehouse.
Miss Ellen: Humor me.
Cartman: What did the dyslexic whoremonger open? A warehouse!
Miss Ellen: Yeah, OK. (Lunch bell rings) OK, see you after lunch.
Cafeteria:
Chef: Hello! (Looks for Kyle, Stan and Kenny. ONly sees Cartman.) Child
Cartman: Hey Chef.
Chef: Hows it going?
Cartman: Bad.
Chef: Again? Why Bad?
Cartman: Kyle's been taken ovewr by something, Stan's dispeared Kenny's (Kenny walks in.) suposed to be dead. Kenny, you died.
Kenny: Yeah, it's like a diesese.
Chef: Kyle's taken over? Bring him here.
Cartman: OK. YO! POOF! (Pip looks up.)
Pip: Yes Eric?
Cartman: Sit down pip. KYLE!
Kyle: Yes?
Cartman: Chef want's to speak to you?
Kyle: Yes Chef? (Perches on the table.)
Chef: Take a sniff of this. (Chef opens a tupperwear pot. Kyle bends over, takes a 1 second sniff and starts to choke.)
Cartman: What was that??
Chef: Miss Crabtree's bra and undies. The most lethal pick-me-up around
Cartman: (Builds a mental picture.) Uh-oh, don't feel too good. (Starts blowing chunks with usual sound effects.)
Kyle: Whoa dude, were am I? Were's Miss Ellen?
Chef: He's back. Kyle, what have you done with Stan?
Kyle: Stan? I was at Miss Ellen's house eating spaghetti then POOF! I'm here,
Chef: What kind of spagetti?
Kyle: The italian one I think.
Chef: It had a sideaffect.
Kyle: What?
Chef: You were gay.
Kyle: AGH! AGH! AGH! AGH! (Cartman stands up, puke on his chin.)
Cartman: That sucked ass.
Wendy's House
Wendy: That bitch isn't going to live to eat my Stan! (Puts on bullet proof vest. Puts on a vest with grenades. Straps a shotgun to her back. She brandishes a very long gun. She kinda looks like Sigourney Weaver from all four Alien films. Walks out room and down stairs.)
Wendy's Mum: Were are you going darling?
Wendy: I'm going to kill someone.
Wendy's Mum: Have fun!
Wendy: I WILL!
Mr Garrison's New mansion:
Mr. Hat: Mr. Garrison,
Mr. Garrison: Ye Mr. Hat.
Mr. Hat: Do you think we should launch ourselves into the pop universe?
Mr. Garrison: NO! we get all the money we need from endorsments. And remember kids, Barney (tm) will teach you lots of fun things! (A sack ful of money falls at his feet.) See.
Warehouse
Stan: You'll see miss Ellen, Kyle and Cartman will come and save me. (He watches her force-feed Pip some spaghetti.)
Pip: Oh, I feeal so, so, so pretty!
Stan: YOU STUPID CRAZED COW!
Miss Ellen: PLease, I am winning here. I already have five minions, and you shall soon be one of them.
Stan: I'll See you in hell!
Bus Stop
Kyle: I sure hope Stan's OK.
Cartman: Me too, that son-of-a-bitch has my Michael Jorden is a Transvestite card! (bus pulls up.)
Mrs. Crabtree. (Has washed, wears a new dress, white teeth, her hair is combed.) Come on lovely children, I will whisk you off to school.
Kyle: HOLY SH*T ON A STICK!
Cartman: It's worse than I thought.
Kyle: Yeah, we'll walk to school.
Mrs. Crabtree: Why, your desision lovely children.
Street
Kyle: This is f*cked up right here. Everyone's gay! (Everyone is wearing makeup and shell-suits.)
Cartman: Seriously, everyone is affected but you, me, Wendy, Kenny, and Mr. Garrison.
Mr. Garrison: Hello children! (runs straight into a large guy.)
Large Guy: I love you.
Mr. Garrison: Ditto. (Turns and runs.) Save yourself! (Dives into an alley.)
Kyle: How do you know Wendy isn't affected?
Cartman: I saw her, walking down the street, holding a gun screaming "GET OUTTA MY WAY!"
Kyle: Did she say where she was going?
Cartman: In a matter of fact she did, the old silicon warehouse.
Kyle: Let's go get chef and save Stan!
Cafeteria
Chef: Why, hello children! (High pitched, kinda like michael jackson.)
Kyle: DAMN! She got to Chef!
Chef: Who got to me?
Kyle: MIss Ellen, she's turned everyone into a gay!
Chef: that's not true, do you want me to sing a song?
Kyle: Not really.
Chef: Drinking Pina Colada, I drink Pina colada. Drinking pina colada every...day. Drinking Pina Colada, I drink Pina colada. Drinking pina colada every...day Drinking Pina Colada, I drink Pina colada. Drinking pina colada every...d-hay-hay!
Kyle: I'm scared.
Wendy: Hey Kyle.
Kyle: (Turns) What?
Wendy: Let's go kick some Ellen ass!
Warehouse.
Miss Ellen: It's simple Stan, once I take over South Park, I will take over North Park, East Park and West Park. I shall control the park!
Stan: You sound like Cartman after two hours without cheesy poofs.
Miss Ellen: Keep that lard bucket outta this!
Stan: Whatcha gonna do?
Miss Ellen: Turn you into a gay.
Stan: NOO! (She holds a spoonful of spaghetti to his mouth. The wooden doors explode open. Wendy stands there in the big yellow thing from Aliens.)
Wendy: Get away from him you bitch!
Miss Ellen: Whoooa!!
Wendy: YAAAAAAAAAAH! (They charge at each other. Kyle and Kenny release Stan.)
Stan: Where's fatass?
Kyle: He said he had to keep guard of his pig.
Stan: With a name like fluffy it's bound to be already gay. (They watch Wendy and Miss Ellen tumble around on the floor.) Why does Wendy look like Sivourny Weaver?
Kyle: I don't know. (Wendy grabs Miss Ellen by the hair and slaps her.)
Miss Ellen: YOU COW!
Wendy: YOU SLUT!
Kyle: I GOT FIVE BUCKS ON MISS ELLEN! (Stan punches him.) I MEAN WENDY!
Kenny: I got five bucks on Miss Ellen having the nicest ass. (Stan goes to punch him but stops.)
Stan: Let's go and see if we can find anyone else who isn't gay.
Kyle: What about the fight?
Stan: Those fights last for ages. My dad says that female boxing is real hot.
Kyle: Female boxing, like Mike Tyson?
Stan: No, I watched his video, they were topless and jijjled around in front of each other.
Kyle: Oh. (They walk out. Kenny stays.) KENNY!
Kenny: But Miss Ellen's bra has popped open! (They run back in)
Stan: Screw the town!
Bus Stop
Cartman: Much keep watch of rock, incase it goes gay. (Mr. Garrison walks by.)
Mr. Garrison: Hello Eric, what are you doing?
Cartman: Everything in the town is gay!
Mr. Garrison: Oh my golly gosh! Well, I'm not gay!
Cartman: OK, every went gay because they ate spaghetti. I don't like spaghetti, so I'm not gay.
Mr. Garrison: Well I loathe spaghetti. So I'm not gay.
Cartman: Hey, you looks normal.
Mr. Garrison: Yes, me and Mr. Hat had the reverse Operation, being a gay - I mean straight icon is very pressuring.
Cartman: It was because of that huge guy wan't it.
Mr. Garrison: (Sheepishly) yes.
Warehouse.
Stan: Dude!
Kyle: Seriously.
Kenny: Ahhhhhhhh
Stan: You said it Kenny.
Kyle: Seriously
Cartman: (walks in) HEY YOU GUYS! MR GARRISON SAYS THE OPOSITE OF SPAGHETTI IS CHINESE NOODLES! (Everyone looks at him. Miss Ellen's bra flies across the arehouse in Kenny's general direction. He opens his mouth and screams, it flies in his mouth and comes out the other side.)
Kyle: OH MY GOD! SHE KILLED KENNY!
Stan: You bitch or bastard?
Kyle: Whatever takes your fancie.
Stan: YOU BITCH! (Mice haul away kenny, including bra. Wendy grabs Miss Ellen by the throat and throws her against the far wall. She slides down it, unconscious.)
Kyle: Dude! Spaghetti! Kill her!
STan: No noodles man! (Pip stands at the oposite corner cooking noodles. He's wearing a police officers suit.)
Kyle: PIP! GIVE US THE NOODLES!
Stan: ANd why in gods name are you a Village Person???
Pip: OK, here's your thupid noodleth.
Stan: Thanks dude! (Grabs noodles and runds over to Ellen. He opens her jaw and crams them down her throat. She gags for breath, before chocking and dying. Hoards of homosexuals burst in the door.)
Gay #1: You killed our queen!
Gay #1: You mutht perith! (They run at Cartman, Kyle, Wendy and Stan)
Kyle: ONce chance! (He grabs kenny's head and hurls it at the tape player. It goes in slow-mo and hits the play button.)
Tape; YMCA! Everyone is gay at the YMCA! (All the gays arms fly into the air. They do the 'y' 'm' 'c' and 'a' They begin to sing.)
Stan: Free noodles!! (They walk over still doing the YMCA and everyone eats the noodles. They all become straight and run away screaming, tearing off shell-suits. Big Gay Al and Mr. Garrison stand there, un-affected by noodles.)
Al: Oh, I really looked forward to be not gay.
Mr. Garrison: The noodles didn't work on me becuase I straight already! (They walk out. Stan Kyle and Cartman, who is busy eating, stand there as the Mice do the YMCA.)
Stan: I really wish I had learnt something today.
Kyle: What dude?
Stan: WHAT IS A BEAVER!
Fin
I know, I know, It got silly at the end, but I heard 'Worry not what your writing about, just write.'
Kyle: Who said that?
Stumpy: Horaldo
Miss Ellen: The Bitch Is back written by Stumpy "In a Leather Thong" Grasshopper
Characters portrayed by: Kenny, Kyle, Wendy, Miss Ellen, Cartman, Mr. Garrison + Hat, Big Gay Al, Tom, Stan, Mr. Marsh, Stephen Hawking, Big Gay Guy, Mrs. Cartman, the cook who cooked her cookies. Researches finding out what beaver meant.
Special thanks to: the citizens of South Park for willingly being gay. Green Day for use of their lyrics and not being sued. To Martin Hazelbower for use of his name. Gumpels for the Kudos (what are kudos?) and all the people I can't be bothered to mention
Citizen: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR MONEY!
Me: Uh, he has it. (I point to Martin Hazelbower)
Citizen: KILL HIM! (Martin runs)
Laywer: You are being sued for using Green Day's lyrics without permission!
Friend: Stumpy, your cat and fish are dead.
Me: How?
Friend: The cat choked on the fish.
Me: Why me? Why me? Why must my life turn to shit?
Fin again.
- Stumpy "Watch out, I could be in your soup" the grasshopper.