Garrison: Petey Hertz, you go to hell! You go to hell and you die!!! Kyle: Cool, dude. (Petey grins. At the Marsh house, Randy is sitting at his computer, watching the seismograph on the monitor. He looks really bored.) Randy: Sharon? Sharon: Yes, dear? Randy: How about getting me another cup of coffee, will you? Sharon: Okay, but haven't you all ready had five this morning? Randy: Your point being? Sharon: Never mind, Randy. Here's your coffee. Randy: Thanks. (Randy sips the coffee and continues to stare at the monitor. Later, the guys walk up to the lunch counter at school. Chef is there, holding a large fork with some meat on it.) Chef: Hello, children! Guys: Hey, Chef. Chef: Would you children care to try some of my spicy meatloaf? I found the recipe on a box of freeze-dried tomatoes and it's mmm-mmmmm de-licious. Stan: But isn't this Salisbury steak day? Chef: Yeah, but this is better. Kenny: {Better than Salisbury steak?} Chef: Much better, children! In fact, I'm thinking of petitioning the schoolboard to do away with Salisbury steak and replace it with this. (Silence.) Kyle: Chef, what the hell is wrong with you? You love Salisbury steak. Stan: Yeah. Chef: Ooooh, children! That was before I found spicy meatloaf. From the moment I put this in my mouth, I knew that ol' raunchy-tastin' Salisbury steak was outta here! Kyle (pausing): 'Kay... (Chef gives them their trays of spicy meatloaf and they leave.) Chef: Enjoy it, children! Stan: Is it just me, or is Chef acting really weird? Kyle: No, it's just you, dude. Chef is really weird. Stan: Oh. (They sit down at a table. Kyle looks down at his meatloaf.) Kyle: What the hell am I doing? Is this stuff kosher? Cartman: Who cares, Kyle? Live a little. It's not like you've never eaten anything that wasn't kosher, before. Kyle: I guess. (Kyle starts eating. Petey comes up to them.) Petey: Hey, guys. Can I sit here? Stan: Yeah, dude. Have a seat. (Petey sits down next to Cartman.) Petey: Why is it so cold here? It wasn't like this in Cocoa Beach. Stan: This is Colorado, dude. It's always cold here. Kyle: Yeah. You're from Cocoa Beach? Petey: Yeah. Cartman: Well, why the hell did you move here, then? If I lived somewhere warm like that, man, I'd never leave! Stan: Cartman, if you lived in Florida, they'd have to declare a state of emergency because your fat ass would affect the tide and the whole state would be underwater! (Kyle and Kenny laugh.) Cartman: Ay! I will not have you making fun...of my fat ass...with Petey here! He's too freaking cool for that sort of thing! Petey: Uh...thanks. Cartman: No problem, Petey. Kyle: So, why did you move here, dude? Petey: My dad got transferred here. Kyle: Really? What does he do? Petey: He's a park ranger at Pike National Forest. Cartman: God, dude. He's not a lame-ass, tree-loving hippie, is he? Stan: Cartman, shut up! (Kenny punches Cartman.) Cartman: Ow! I was just asking, you guys! Kyle: So, anyway, what about your mom? Does she work? Petey: My mom's dead. Stan (pausing): Jesus, dude! Kyle: Yeah, that sucks! Cartman: Let me guess. She was attacked by a squirrel. (Kenny punches Cartman, again.) Cartman: Ow! Petey: No, you moron! Lightning struck her while she was giving birth to me! (Silence fills the air.) Stan & Kyle: Whoa! Stan: God damn, wasn't she in a hospital? Petey: No, the golf court. Kyle (pausing): What the hell was she doing playing golf while she was giving birth?! Petey: My dad was playing golf, she was just sitting under a tree. Kyle: Oh. Well, that makes sense.
TO BE CONTINUED...
----- Steve Sutton Springfield, Georgia N 32 21 13 W 81 17 56