A Slap on Cartman's Wrist, Part 1 by the_davester
My lord, this started out a lot happier than it ended. Anyway, this is a 2-parter (or maybe even a 3-parter), and I have little time, now that the Fanfic Awards are almost complete. I don't know when Part 2 will be coming, but it should be soon.
NOTE: The views expressed by Eric Cartman (aka 'dumbass') do not reflect the views of Dave (aka 'the_davester') or Comedy Central (aka 'Cool').
---------- Mr. Garrison's Room ---------- (Same scene as usual, except Jake, the kid in the wheelchair from 'Why Different People Suck,' is there)
Mr. Garrison: So, by adding the results to 16 and converting the result to two's compliment, we ge the result 11110101. (Begins writing on the board, continues in background)
Cartman: Hey, Jake. Jake: Yeah? Cartman: When you go to the bathroom, does it fall out? Or do you have no control at all? HA HA HA HA! (Falls out of seat)
[NOTE: I am not proud of this line, but I have to get across the point that Cartman is being a *total* asshole]
Stan: Shut up, Cartman! That's not nice! You're being a piece of crap!!!
Cartman: Oh, yeah? What're you gonna do about? Hee hee. (quielty) No control.
Kyle: Stop being an asshole, Cartman. (To Jake) He's always like this, but
he doesn't mean what he says. He just tries to impress people.
Jake: I know. He has low self-esteem.
Cartman: Jake, do-
Jake: Listen... SHUT UP! I've been in this school for a month now, and all
you've ever done is insult me! I'm sick of it! I have feeling too, you
know!
Cartman: Ooooo! What are you gonna do, sick your therapist on me? HA HA HA!
Stan: you watch out, Cartman. Some day something might happen to you, so you'd
better watch what you say.
Cartman: Yeah, whatever. Poetic justice just doesn't work in real life, kiddies.(Mr Garrison is oblivious to all of this) Mr. Garrison: Leaving, in Hex, A55. Now, then, are there any questions?
(Everybody in the class raises their hands)
Mr. Garrison: Geeze, people! This is only converting from binary to hex to decimal and back! How hard could it be?!
---------- After school ---------- (The four scamps and Jake exit the door together) Stan: Well, we gotta go Jake. Jake: Okay. Cartman: Yeah! Have fun riding the special ed bus! HA HA HA HA!!!! Kyle: Cartman! Shut up! Man, you been acting mean lately. Kenny: Mmmmppp mmmmp mmmmp mmmpp! Cartman: That's gross, you poor freak! (socks Kenny)
Kenny: {f*cker!} Stan: Seriously, Cartman. You shouldn't be mean to Jake, just because he's in a wheelchair, doesn't mean that you have to be a complete jerk to him! Kyle: Yeah, he's right. People that are different don't suck. Cartman: Oh yes they do. Stan: Shut up Cartman, or we won't be your friends anymore. Cartman: Ooooooo!
---------- Unidentified House ---------- (A man drives up with a bag of groceries in his hands and walks up to the door.) (SIDE SHOT: He reaches in his pockets, pulls out and key, and unlocks the door. Next he opens the door and steps inside. The camera remain outside) Man: AAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!
(Shot, through the doorway of the inside. A woman, presumably his wife, is hanging upside-down from the stairs with her head lying at her feet. Gross, huh?)
---------- Stan's House ---------- Stan: Now, we invited Jake over, too, Cartman, but if you be a jerkoff --
(Kenny starts laughing)
Stan: -- again and say stuff I'm gonna have to send you home, OK? Cartman: OK.
(There is a ring at the doorbell and Stan leaves to answer it. A moment later, he appears with Jake)
Jake: Hi, guys. (everybody except Cartman): Hey. Jake: So what're you watching? Kyle: Terrance and Phillip. Jake: Oh, I love that episode.
(Terrance and Phillip dissapear, and a news anchor interrputs it)
Anchor: Sorry for this delay, but we have some breaking news for you. It seems
that a serial killer is loose in South Park, there have been at least
three deaths caused by the Backdoor Bandit, who apparently enters the
homes and decapitates his victims from the back door.Jake: What're your favorite episodes? Kyle: The one where Terrance and Phillip fart on each other instead of going to their jobs. Stan: The Halloween special. Kenny: {The one where Terrance and Phillip save Canada from Saddam Hussein.}
(Cartman remains silent)
Jake: What about you, Cartman?
(Silence)
Jake: Cartman?
(Silence)
Jake: Cartman, why aren't you talking to me?
(Silence)
Stan: Uh, excuse us, guys.
(He grabs Cartman by the arm and pulls him to the doorway)
Stan (Whispering): Cartman, I told you that if you were mean to Jake you
were going to have to leave, and I meant it.
Cartman: But I didn't say anything to him! That's what you told me! Don't
say stuff!
Stan: Ooo! That was being mean. You should go home now.
Cartman: But-
Stan: Now.----------
(Cartman opens to door and steps outside. EXTERNAL SHOT)
Cartman: Screw those hippy bastards, anyways. (He steps out into a street, and a car comes out of nowhere, horn screeching all of the way. The car hits him, and he flies into the air and lands nears Stan's doorstep) Driver (who sounds mysteriously like Mr. Garrison): You f<bleep>ing kid! (Drives off)
Stan: Ooops.
---------- Hell's Pass Hospital ---------- (Stan, Kyle, Kenny and Jake are there along with Cartman's mom. Cartman is in a hospital bed)
Cartman (wakes up): ugggg. What happened? Stan: You got hit by a car. Cartman: I- I can't feel my legs!
(The doctor walks in)
Doctor: That's right. The accident with the car caused temporary damage to
your spinal cord.
Cartman: What does it mean, doc?
Doctor: It means that, until about next Wednesday, you're going to have to
be in...
Cartman: Yes?
Doctor: A wheelchair!(Dramatic music, quick zoom in on Cartman's face)
---------- Commercial ----------
---------- Playground ---------- (Jake & the four scamps are standing around. Well, Cartman is in his new wheelchair) Stan: So... anybody up for a game of football? Kyle: It' no use, dude. We can't play with three players! Besides, even if we did play, we'd kick Kenny's ass anyway.
(Kenny looks mad)
Cartman: Ay! Who says that me and Jake can't play football?!
Stan: We do, Cartman. Those aren't exactley the most agile wheelchairs
in the world.
Cartman: I can play, even in this stupid wheelchair!
Stan: Okay, we'll play them. Me and Kyle and Kenny, and you and Jake will be on
a team, Cartman.
Kenny (looking mad): { Why do *I* have to be on the team with them?}
Stan: They need one person who can run and stuff, Kenny.
Cartman: C'mon, Jake and Kenny, let's go!(Jake and Cartman wheel over to the center of the field and Kenny follows)
Cartman (surverys his teammates): Man, why do I have to be on the minority team?! Stan: Who gets the ball first? Kenny: {We do!}
---------- Another unidentified house ---------- (A woman, obviously waking from a nap, descends the stairs) Woman: Frank? Frank, where are you? (She turns the corner of the doorway and runs smack into... a decapitated dude) Woman: AAAAAAAAA!!!!!
---------- Football Field ---------- (Stan and Kyle have the ball. They're about to make a touchdown) Kyle: Run, Stan, run!
(Suddenly, he runs into... Wendy)
Stan: Aaaaaahhhh!!!!
Wendy: You big oaf! God!
Stan: Sorry dude. Listen, we need to talk. I can totally explain why I
didn't show up last night-
Wendy: Really? It seems it's odd that football is more important to you than
I am, "dude"!
Stan: Now, wait a minute!(Cut to everybody else.) Cartman: How long are the two lovebirds gonna be at it? Stan: It's hard to say. Kyle: It's too bad that there's no quick fix. Jake: Uh, I seem to have missed what went on, here. Cartman: Just goes to show! Jake: Gee, Cartman, I thought that now that you're in my situation, you may see that people like me aren't bad at all! Cartman: Yeah, you're just bad at everything. Jake: Excuse me! (Leaves)
Kyle: Cartman! Knock it off! God, if you weren't such a pain in the ass!
(Cut back to Stan & Wendy) Stan: But dude, I told you-- Wendy: Don't you 'dude' me! Stan: But-
(She walks off in a huff.) Wendy (from offscreen): Face it Stan, we are *over!!!!*
(Closeup of Stan, you can see a teensy, weensy tear welling up, dramatic Violin music begins) (Sadly, Stan walks over to the remaining three)
Stan: Hey, guys. Cartman: sorry, man. Just move on, huh? Kyle: C'mon, we can still finish our game, huh? Stan: Maybe some other time (he walks off. Kyle and Kenny go with him) Cartman: Yeah, I'd follow, but you know how hard it is to move, right?
(Suddenly, a group of kids (the fifth graders!!! =-0 ) approaches him) 5th Grader: Well, look who it is. 5th Grader 2: The fat boy. 5th Grader: Maybe we should help him lose some weight. 5th Grader 2: It'd be funner to beat the crap outta him. (They close in on Cartman)
---------- Stan's House, Later that Night ---------- (Stan is watching TV)
Mrs. Marsh: OK, honey. Shelly is over at a friend's house, and your father
and I will be gone for about an hour or two. Goodynight.
Stan (glumy): Bye.
Mr. Marsh: Gee, why is he so sad?
Mrs. Marsh: He just broke up with his girlfriend. Now c'mon, we're gonna
be late...
Mr. Marsh (Leaves with Mrs. M): Is- isn't he too young to have a (trails off)Stan (watching TV): Man, it's just not fair.
(Suddenly, we hear a tapping at the back door. Cue the scary Cello & strings music)
Stan: It's probably just Sparky.
(pause. Then Sparky walks up)
Stan: Oh, there you are.
(Sparky whimpers and goes upstairs)
Stan: What's his problem?
(Pause for a little while longer. Then the tapping begins again)
Stan: Oh, this is getting annoying. I'd better answer it.
(He walks up to the door. The scary music builds as he reaches for the door...
slowy, slowy his hands gets closer and closer to the doorknow, until...)
(he opens it quickly, with a creak)
Stan: AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TO BE CONTINUED...
(During the credits, first the ominous, scary music plays, followed by the 'sad' violin music)
***********************
Well, did it totally suck, or what?
the_"eagerly awaiting responce" davester