Major thankees to Kyle for letting me use Sheila and helping me with a dilema!
"Psycho pinwheels"
[A group of five pinwheels huddle in a corner of Sheila's room. The king pinwheel sits on a small matchbox throne with a small crown stolen form a lego man. They all have eyes, legs and arms and mouths. The other four look up at him.]
Pinwheel #1: Oh mighty rular, what are we going to do today?
Pinwheel King: Do not adress me as mightly rular! I have a name, and it is
Bob. I am Bob, the pinwheel king.
Pinwheel #2: Oh, OK...Bob. When is the be-fated strike against all evil
Sheila who continues to ram us up peoples
asses. Only last week four of your subjects entered 'poopy town'
Bob: Yes, i know. I have seen the casualty list for last month. Our
situation is dire. I propose we go into hiding, building an
army, before striking down onto the Sheila. We will use the melted Pez
dispensers as ammo and used toilet paper as
cloraphorm.
Pinwheel #1: Cloraphorm? Isn't that what plants have?
Bob: no! That's chloraphil! Cloraphorm knocks people out.
Pinwheel #1: Like when you rub liquid in their faces?
Bob: Yes!
Pinwheel #2: Wow! You learn something new every day!
[Classroom. Sheila and Cartman hold hands whilst stuffing cheesy poofs into
their mouths.]
Mr. Garrison:...and that's why michael jackson floats better than any other
person on this planet.
Stan: And what's that again?
Mr. Garrison: He uses boys!
Kyle: isn't it pronounced boo-eys?
Mr. Garrison: No, it's pronouced boys.
Kyle: Fine. [Looks back and Sheila and Cartman are happily munching away.]
Godammit! Don't yo two never stop
eating?!
Cartman: AY!
Sheila: So what if we don't!
Kenny:[you two are so fat, we could feature you on rikki lake.]
Cartman: AY! Your'e so poor, you can't even afford free meals!
Kenny: [you're so fat, you got baptised in sea world!]
Sheila: If scotch drinking was an olympic sport, your dad would be a gold
meedalist!
Kenny: [You're so ugly, we havce to tie a piece of meat round your neck so
the dog will play with you!]
Wendy: Stan, what the hell is going on?
Stan: Dunno. I think Kenny, Cartman and Sheila are having a bitch fight.
They'll probably pull each other's hair next, but
Kenny has an unfair advantage, he has no hair.
Cartman: You're momma's so ugly, she walked into a haunted house and came
out with a job application!
Kenny: [You're so fat, when you put on your clothes, they scream for mercy
you fat f*ck!]
Sheila: SCREW YOU! [She whips out a pinwheel and shoves it up Kenny's ass.]
Mr. Garrison: Sheila! You shouldn't shove pinwheels up Kenny's ass! He's too
poor to afford medical treatment!
Kenny: [silent. Then,] [BEEP you! You BEEPing piece of BEEP! Are you some
motherBEEPing moron? For BEEPs
sake!]
Mr. Garrison: Well, i've never been so insulted or embarrised.
Stan: What about the time where the old lady knocked you out with one punch?
Kyle: Or when your pubic lice spoke over the PA system?
Mr. Garrison: Oh well...SHUT UP!
[The scamps are on the bus, which is tilting to the left because Sheila and
Cartman are both on that side.]
Stan: Godammit! Why are you two so fat?!
Sheila: AY! We both had too much stuffing at christmas!
Kenny: [Cartman you randy old bastard!]
Sheila: [goes for a pinwheel in her pocket] I'll pretend you didn't say
that!
Kenny: [gulps.] {say what?}
Cartman: Sheila, are you still coming over to my house to watch 'The Brave
Little Toaster get's Braver'?
Stan: The Brave little toaster gets braver? What the Fuck!?
Kyle: Yeah, the brave little toaster was pretty fucked up! The BRAVER little
toaster? [Stan, Kyle and Kenny burst into
laughing fits.]
Cartman: Screw you you crack smoking hippies! Go back to woodstock! Go
protest against Veitnam!
Kyle: Veitnam's over Cartman!
Cartman: No! Watch out! Charlies in the grass! [he dives onto the floor and
crawls up to the front. They all look at him
strangly.]
Stan: Ok, I say we admit him tonight!
Sheila: No one sends my boopy to the funny farm!
Kyle: [wispers.] We'll dial him in then.
Kenny: [Call 555-PUDEKCUF]
Stan: Pudekcuf?
Kenny: Fucked up is too explicit for little children.
[Sheila's room. Stan, Kenny, Kyle, Cartman and Sheila walk in. Sheila walks
over and lights the incence around the
Cartman shrine. Cartman grabs a box of cheesy poofs.]
Stan: So, where'd you keep your Toaster tapes Sheila? [Kenny and Stan
laugh.]
Sheila: You doubt the toaster? You must perish for your sins!
DIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEIDIEIDIEDIE! [Opens a
drawer to grab pinwheels, but it's empty.] Huh? What the fuck? KYLE! Where's
my PINWHEELS!
Kyle: Huh!? I ain't got your stupid pinwheels! [The light goes out.
Pinwheels dive onto Sheila, rubbing used toilet paper
onto her face. She passes out while melted pezzes bury themselves onto
Cartman, rendering him imobile.]
Cartman: AY! You stupid godamn pinwheels! Come over here and I'll kick you
sqwa in the nuts! Goddamit! untie me!
[Bob hops onto his chest.]
Bob: I am bob, king of the pinwheels. You will call me your master. Sheila
is my slave, so are you.
Cartman: [thinks for a second.] UNTIE ME YOU STUPID SON OF A BITCH!
Bob: Really. Your feeble threats are nothing to me. [he points to Sheila's
hifi. something flows from the speakers.
Cartman: NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! [passes out from emotional trauma]
Stan: Let's get out of here! [runs out, shortly followed by kenny, kyle.]
Kyle: THey're twisted! I mean....Celine Dion? My Heart will go on!? I
tremble at the thought! [shudders.]
Kenny: [so, what are we going to do next?]
Kyle: First, we save fatass.
Stan: Why?
Kyle: Because if we save fatass, he'll go postal, and rescue Sheila.
Stan: Cool!
Kenny: [Saving Sheila Cool? My rectum can't take it!]
Kyle: I know, but I'll probably have to spend a day in Denver if I don't.
Stan: That's harsh dude.
School...
Principal: Wait! [Kenny, Kyle and Stan are pulling away the schools 'ass
master 500'] That's school property!
Stan: We need to save fatass and his girlfriend.
Principal: Why do you need to save eric?
Kyle: Because if we don't, I'll be forced to spend a day in Denver.
Principal: That's harsh! Now, save your friends! [they slowly haul away the
ass master]
Sheila's Room... Bob looms over Cartman, looking back to reasearchers.
Bob: After extensive research, we're going to perform a test against what
you're afraid of.
Cartman: I ain't afraid of nothing!
Bob: Why are drugs bad?
Cartman: Because, if you smoke drugs, you're a hippy, and hippies suck.
Bob: What would you do if a hippy lived on your door step.
Cartman: I'd...uhh... kick 'im sqwa in the nuts!
Bob: What would you do if i was to say a hippy was behind you now?
Cartman: [address]! [Rolls onto front and crawls into a corner.]
Bob: Researchers!
Researcher #1: You were correct sir, he's a hippiephobic, as well as a
homophobic. Infact, he's also scared of cheese,
Bumbly Wumbly and the Teletubbies.
Bob: What the hell is a teletubbie?
Reseacher #1: I'll get right on it!
Outside...
Stan: Ok, so I kick open the door, Kyle dives in and grabs fatass whilst
kenny causes a distraction?
Kyle: Yeah. GO GO GO! [they kick open the door and pull cartman away, whilst
kenny dances around looking like a
complete fag.]
Cartman: You guys! You saved me!
Kyle: Not quite Cartman, we're got to do exersises to save Sheila.
Cartman: Exersises?! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
School the following day...
Mr. Garrison: Sheila? Sheila? Eric, is Sheila here today?
Cartman: So sir. She was captured by a band of eveil pinwheels that are
threatening mine and her very exsistance.
Mr. Garrison: That is the lamest piece of crap I've ever heard!
Cartman: Screw you!
Wendy: You shouldn't speak to Mr. Garrison like that!
Cartman: Shut up, bitch.
Mr. Garrison: Eric!
Cartman: WHAT?!
Mr. Garrison: Don't call wendy a bitch.
Cartman: OK, i wont call the bitch a bitch.
Mr. Garrison: go to the principals-
Cartman: I'M GOIN!? [mutters to himself on the way out]
Stan: Cartman's really cranky today.
Kyle: Yeah, dude. It's becase Sheila isn't here.
Kenny: [why? is he missing the action?]
Kyle: Sick dude!
Mr. Garrison: OK, now I'm going to introduce a new member to our class.
Welcome....what's your name again?
New Kid: Dunno, dude. {wears baggy jeans, red jumper, white trainers, hat
and sunglasses.] People usually call me 'you'.
Mr. Garrison: Ok, you, go and take your place by Kyle.
New Kid: Ok. [he walks over and sits down next to kyle.] 'sup?
Kyle: Huh?
New Kid: 'Sup?
Kyle: Come again?
New Kid: What's up?
Kyle: Aeroplanes?
New Kid: no, no, no. What's up as in, how's it hanging? What's going on?
Kyle: Oh, we're trying to save fatasses girlfriend from evil pinwheels.
New Kid: Evil pinwheels? Those bastards ruined my lego town.
Kyle: Whoa dude! You incountered them before?
New Kid: Son of a bitches scratched my wall paper, ruined my lego town, and
trashed my bedroom.
Kyle: How old where you?
New Kid: Five. Who's fatasses girlfriend?
Kyle: My adopted cousin who's sorta Jewish.
New Kid: You guys get your -
Kyle: I know.
New Kid: Any siblings?
Kyle: I've got a canadian adopted little brother who's had the chop. You're
not american are you?
New Kid: British.
Stan: Whoa! It's Pip mark two! [Stan is hauled to his feet and dangled above
the ground.]
New Kid: I am NOT related to the weirdo Pip? Do I sound like Pip? Do I sound
like a reject from a charles dickens
novel?
Stan: Who?
New Kid: Forget it. [they all sit down again.]
Stan: Hey, will you help us resce Sheila?
New Kid: Yeah, I got a score to settle!
Kyle: You'll need to go through extensive anal training before we go into
battle.
New Kid: No need. Fought em before, kill 'em again.
Cartman's house...
Cartman: Who the hell is he?
Kyle: He calls himself 'you' but we've got to concentrate on saving Sheila!
Cartman: Must svae Sheila! [they turn back to the video.]
Video: And clench and rest and clench and rest and clench and rest and
clench and rest. [Cartman faints.]
Stan: At least he beat his old record.
Kenny: [what? Five minutes exersiing?]
Stan: yeah.
Kyle: Are we ready?
Cartman: [slowly coming to] yeah dude. Let's roll. I'm gonna get me my girl!
[The phone rings and Ms. Cartman picks it
up.]
Mrs. Cartman: Yes, he is here. Kyle Hon! Your mothers on the phone!
Kyle: Yeah mom?
Mrs. B: Bopola? You've got to come home at once!
Kyle: Why?
Mrs. B: Your fathers some down with a serious illness! He's coughing and stuff?!
Kyle: Mom, has he protested at all?
Mrs. B: Repeatedly.
Kyle: Mom, remember when the shrink said you where a hypercondriac?
Mrs. B: He was telling the truth?
Kyle: Yeah mah.
Mrs. B: OK, but get home, Sheila's still in her room!
Kyle: We're getting her out soon, bye mom.
Stan: Let's go! [ they all leave.]
Sheila's room...
Sheila: You'll never get away with this! I'll see to it that you get shoved
up some poor guys ass!
Bob: Ooh, petty threats.
Sheila: My boopoola with save me!
Bob: You mean the hippiephobic?
Sheila: Yeah!
Scout: Sir! Sir! [the pinwheel runs over and salutes.] Inside reports say
that the arch nemesis mr. unknown is coming.
Bob: But I know his name
Scout: You are the only one sir, you're the only one who knows his name.
Bob: Ready the troops, it's the final conflict...
Outside.
New Kid: So this is it?
Stan: Yeah. [NK opens the door and walks in.]
Kyle: NO! THEY'LL AMBUSH YOU!
NK: I can take it. [he walks in and looks round. Pinwheels are looking at
him. muttering.]
Bob: Ah, we meet again.
NK: Yeah. I'm revenging happy ville.
Bob: I'm protecting Sheila.
NK: Why?
Bob: She's tormented us for over five years, rectal shovings.
NK: that sucks!
Bob: Haha, time to die. [he drops a hankerchief and pinwheels dive from the
ceilings, tables and drawers. NK crouches
down and gets into a karate pose.]
Omnious Voice: New-ew Kid! New-ew Kid! Zay boo zah, New-ew kid!
Stan: Hey, it's that chinese guy!
Chinese Guy: Bob-ob! The-he King! Beats up New Kid-id!
Kyle: You're right!
NK: Hewaaaaaaaaa! [He dives for the closest pinwheel and uses him as a
weapon to cut up all the other pinwheels.
They're only two remaining when they retreat.]
Kyle: You kick ass!
Stan: Totally!
Kenny; [I haven't seen so much ass kicking since mr. mackay got abducten by
the A-team! Or was that ass licking?]
NK: Don't worry, They'll be back. [ he walks off.]
stan: and we'll be ready too!
Stan's House....
Stan lay asleep, dreaming about something when he was transported into his
dream world.
Stan: Whoa! [a figure walks up to him. It a female and she wears nothing but
white.]
Figure: Hey there stanley.
Stan: Am I dead?
Figure: No. I'm here to save you.
Stan: Sweet!
Figure: I am called Alyssa and I rule supreme. I am going to help you conquer the evil pinwheel threat.
Stan: Are there other ass kickerS?
Alyssa: Yes. There's Kim, kyle, SnowCalico and some others.
Stan: So the dominant sex is female? Am I in heaven?
Alyssa: Listen! The new kid is a very potent friend and you should keep him near.
Kyle (Non Jew): Yes, he is very good and will help you defeat the pinwheels.
Stan: How?
Kim: Uh...he'll kick some ass!
Stan: How?
Alyssa: Uh...he'll turn them onto themselves.
Stan: How?
Kyle: Enough with the hows! He just will!
Stan: Uh...OK. Can I go now?
Kim: yes, yes, go..SAVE Sheila!
Stan: I don't want to save Sheila, it's fatass and Kyle who want to.
[Cartman and Kyle appear next to him. Kyle wears bue pyjamas whilst cartman wears a frilly set of purple ones. Everyone bursts into laughter.]
Cartman: Screw you! Send me back to my bed you sons of a bitches! Godammit you psycho crack smoking hippies! [he goes into a hissy fit.]
Kim: Shaddup!
Cartman: [instantly stops hissy fit.]
Kyle: Can we go now?
Kim: Yeah. [They return to respective homes]
School the next day
Mr. Garrison: OK children, I know we've all had time to write a book report
for today. [Cartman and NK both have anguish
written all over their faces (kinda like the pic kyle!)] OK Mr. Hat, who
should we start with?
Cartman And NK: I don't know Mr. Garrison, how about Kenny? [fake mr. hat voices]
Mr. Garrison: OK, how about... you. [NK steps up and walks to the front.]
NK: I read the enchanting book 'The Lost World' by Michael Chricten. Have you read it Mr. garrison?
Mr. Garrison: No, i haven't.
NK: Well. It's about this crack group of...students who go to Universal studios to find a msytical horse which they then smoke to become immortal. It has a reference to dinosaurs but it didn't excite me much. [kenny chuckles.] I give it an C+ because it sucked.
Mr. Garrison: Oh well, I give you an F because frankly, that was crap.
NK: Screw you too!
Mr. Garrison: Eric.
Cartman: I read "The Teletubbies go to sleep town." F- it was crap.
Mr. Garrison: You get the same mark. [The door bursts open and hordes of pinwheels rush in. They grab NK and run off.]
Stan: He's gonna help us kill Bob!
NK: [echoes round the room.] the all time worst fear of the pinwheels will kill them all!
Kyle: What's that then?
Stan: We'll think at your place after school.
Cartman: Ok.
Mr. Garrison: Now where the hell has the new kid gone?
Stan: Kyle's house.
Mr. Garrison: Well, make sure he's back buy tomorrow.
Kyle's room after school. Ike sits next to Kyle and his head bops around.
Kenny: [Why does your brother look like a dustbin?]
Kyle: I don't know!? So, what are the pinwheels afraid of?
Cartman: Tampons?
Stan: Cartman, do you know what a tampon acctually is?
Cartman: Uh, no, but my mom buys a Sh*t load of them around the 15th of each month.
Kyle: Oh. Think...
Stan: What about clean asses?
Kyle: No, they hate dirty ones. That's why they're thankful they never get shoved up Cartman's ass.
Cartman: AY!
Kenny: [Aw man! Who did it?!] [they all sniff around.]
Stan: CARTMAN!?
Cartman?: Ay! I ain't no crappin' my pants kinda guy! Screw you hippie!
Ike: Poopy pants!
Kyle: Whoa! It's Ike. Oh yeah, he's had Diarrhoea all week. He doesn't stop poopin'.
Stan: [a ping sound affect] That's it! Diarrhoea! That's what pinwheels are afraid of!
Cartman: wheeeeeee!
Kyle: OK Ike, do you want to save Sheila?
Ike: No. Sheila fat bitch.
Kyle: Tough.
Ike: Spumoni!
Kyle: No Ike, you're saving her.
Ike: Fork you!
Stan: Did he just try to say what i thought he just tried to say?
Kyle: Uh-huh. Let's save Sheila.
Ike: [address]! Don't save Sheila.
Kyle: Save Sheila!
Outside Sheila's room...
Cartman: Are we go?
Kyle: Check. Shit gun ready.
Ike: hehehe! [held under Kyle's arm.]
Kenny: [decoy ready.]
Stan: [kicks open door.] COME GET SOME YOU CHICKEN POT PIE EATING MOTHERF*CKERS! [every pinwheels turns to face him. He ducks out the way and Kyle presses onto Ike's midsection and turds arc out his exposed ass. they cover the pinwheels and they fall over, dead.]
Sheila: Cartman!
Cartman: Sheila! [he runs, waddles, over to Sheila and unties her. They kiss and run out together.]
Stan: Dude, keep firing!
Kyle: Ike's all out of shit!
Ike: Aba-daba! [Jumps out of Kyle's arms and runs over to the closest pinwheel and rips off the wheely bits. He kills all but Bob.]
Stan: Well I'll be godamned!
Ike: Ababsooobaba!
Stan: Go Ike! Run away! [Ike runs out, but trips and spends the last foot in the air.]
Bob: OK, I admit defeat. But I'll only fight the one nemesis that opposes me.
Kyle: Who?
Bob: Uylsses Parkinson
Kyle: What?!
Uylesses: Ay! My name is Todd! I sued my parents for that name!
Bob: Prepare to fight! [they both walk over to each other and Todd grabs the petals, and rips them off.]
Todd: All done. I'm going home.
Stan: Is that it?
Todd: Pretty much. [he leaves.]
Stan: You know, I've really learnt something today.
Kyle: What?
Stan: Pinwheels suck ass.
Kyle: Are you sure?
Stan: Fairly. Are we missing something? You know, I get this horrible, horrible feeling that something hasn't happened and that something is suposed to happen. Kenny, do you get the same feeling?
Kenny: [No! Nothing at all!] [he trys to run away from the inevitable, but Ike blocks his path. Kenny jumps over and runs down the stairs, into the kitchen. Ike follows and jumps in front of him. Kenny trips and goes head long into the blender.]
Ike: Od My Dod! I kill-ed Kenny! Me Batard!
Later that day...
Stan: Hey, todd.
Todd: Uh-huh [flicks away the fly that's buzzing around his head.]
Stan: Who are your folks?
Todd: Why?
Stan: Well, Kyle's mom might complain.
Todd: Why?
Stan: She's a stupid stuck up bitch like that.
Todd: Well, It's really my folk. I live with my dad.
Stan: Cool! Is he like Cartman's mom?
Todd: What? Is she a freak of something? Like, greatly obese like that chick
from "What's eating glibert grape?"
Dtan: No, she's a hermaphrodite.
Todd: A what?
Stan: She has both male and femalke genatailia. But, she cannot have children because she cannot give birth. So, Cartman's mom is really his dad.
Todd: She's a freak.
Stan: Yeah.
Todd: Well, my dad's fine. He's male. [wendy walks over.]
Wendy: Aren't you going to introduce me Stan?
Stan: Oh, OK. Wendy, Todd, Todd, Wendy.
Todd: Hey. [Wendys barfs all over the back of Stan.]
Stan: WENDY!
Wendy: I don't know what came over me! He just said hey and I spewed. [A duh-duh-duhhhh! Noise plays.]
Announcer: Will Stan's worst fears come true? Does Wendy love another? Is sheila pissed of at Todd for ripping apart all her pinwheels.
Sheila: He's getting a tinsel covered one for that!
Announcer: Find out in the next installment of Stumpy the Grasshopper's Fucked up imagination: The South Park annual christmas special II!
-Fin
Stumpy "-o00o-'(__)'-o00o--" Grasshopper