Tell me how you think this is.
"Oh My God, They Took South Park Elementary Hostage!"
Mr.Garrisons room.
(Everybody is at their desks, except Kenny, Lenni is sitting beside Kenny's desk.) Mr.Garrison:Now, today is Gay Fruit Day, can anybody tell me what a gay fruit is? Cartman(Raises hand.):I know, I know!!! Mr.Garrison:Yes Eric? Cartman:Gay apples that you ram up your ass and tell Mr.Hat to fuck. (Class laughs.) Mr.Garrison:YOU GO TO HELL, YOU GO TO HELL AND YOU DIE!!!LEAVE MR.HAT ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Class laughs, even Pip.) Lenni(Thinking.):I see why Kenny faked a cold...
Kenny's house.
(Kenny's lying in bed, faking a cold.) Kenny(Looking at porn mag, surprised.):(I never knew THAT could be done with a slab of fruitcake.) (Kenny puts down the porn mag and turns on the T.V. he got from Lenni as a gift in the morning and looks for a channel with anything of interest on it.) Kenny:(Damn, nothings on, oh wait, here's something...) (As Kenny watches TV a black van drives by.)
Outside school.
(A black van pulls up to the school, some guys with AK-47's pile out of the back and covertly run into the school, two guys guard the door, and two snipers take posisitions in play structures, another guy places Claymores[mines that blow up in one direction.] on the school's only gate, a few guys run by, and then the claymore guy sets a tripwire for each one, and then places mines around the playground.)
Mr.Garrison's room.
Mr.Garrison:Now, can someone tell me why the Teletubbies should take over France and fuck Swiss Cheese? Lenni:Because you are their puppet-fucking master? (Class laughs.) Mr.Garrison:[address] did not have sexual relations with that puppet! Stan(Sarcasticley.):Sure you didn't...(whispering to Lenni.)Good one. Lenni(Whispering.):Thanks. (A man wearing black BDU's, body armor, and an army olive flak vest enters packing an AK-47.) AK-dude:We are New World Order, bow now children of Satan!!! Stan:Dude, Damien's the only kid of Satan here.(Points to Damien.) AK-dude:DO AS I SAY NOW OR YOU ALL DIE!!!!!! Stan:Whatever you say dude, whatever you say.....(Tear of fear rolls down cheek.) AK-dude(points to Wendy.):YOU, come here, NOW!(Wendy reluctantly walks to him, tears of fear rolling off her cheeks.) Wendy:Y-yes sir?? AK-dude:We make example.COME NOW!!!!!(another AK-dude enters as the first guy leaves, with Wendy.) AK-dude 2:Uhh, anyone know what crawled up his ass and molested a dead cow? (Class laughs.) AK-dude 2:Sorry kids, not allowed to laugh, I'll let you off thyis time, but, next kid who laughs dies, sorry, bosses orders. (Everyone in the class is under their desks like in Tom's Rihnoplasty, Stan is sobbing.)
Kenny's house.
Kenny's room.
(Kenny is in bed, flicking through channels, he sees a birds-eye view shot of the school.) Kenny:(What the hell?) Reporter(Transsexual Nun.):Yes Bob, South Park elementary has been overrun by terrorists.More on this story after these commercials. Commercial guy:This hostage situation is brought to you by Psycotic Foaming Troll Burgers, can't get enough of that trool foam! Kenny:([address]'s there, she just dropped the T.V.off this morning, I've gotta go!) (Kenny jumps out of bed and goes towards his closet.)
Outside School.
(It's 10:00pm, there are two play structures, a sniper in each one, two guys at the gates, and another two at the main doors.Suddenly, out of absoluteley nowhere, a bolnde haired 8-year old wearing camoflauge pants and a matching shirt, and a matching beret walks to the gate.It's Kenny.) Guard 1:Wha??? Guard 2:Nice costume kid, halloween was long ago. Kenny:Outta my way.(Pulls out a .50 caliber handgun, and blows the guards away.) (Kenny lobs a hand grenade at the gate and blows it up, triggering the Claymores.) Kenny:Woah, that might've been a one way trip. (Kenny sees the snipers just as they train their scopes on him and pulls out another .50 caliber pistol and blows the snipers brains out their asses, then he does the same to the two guards at the door, and walks into the school.)
Mr.Garrisons room.
AK-dude 2(hears explosions, gunshots, etc.):What the hell?!?!?!?(runs outside to see what's happened.Class gets up off floor.) Ashley:Damnit, the one day I forget my UZI is the day terrorists take over!(slams head on desk.) Matt:It's okay, it's not your fault.(Hugs Ashley.) Ashley:I know, my head hurts now. Melny(To Kyle):Dude, I could warp us out of here! Kyle:You can?!?!?! Meleny:Yeah, but I only have the strength to warp us out, no one else. Kyle:Dude, that sucks. Meleny:I know.
Hallway.
(Kenny enters the school, nobody in sight, but he hears footsteps.) Kenny:Here, asshole asshole asshole..... AK-dude(From around corner.):I am NOT an asshole!!!!! Kenny:Yes you are.(guesses where the AK-dude is and fires into the wall, followed by a headless body falling to the ground.Yes there is a pistol that can do this.) Kenny:Cool.(thinking.)[I hope for their sake that Lenni's okay...]
Outside school.
Midget in a Bikini:Yes Tom, an 8 year old boy by the name of Kenny McCormick has entered South Park Elementary, with two pistols blazing.By doing this he's saving the S.W.A.T. team[Shot of Jimbo, Ned, and Barbrady in S.W.A.T. gear.] a hell of a lot of time and money.Back to you Tom. Jimbo:I need a beer damnit! Ned:mmmmMe toommmmmmm. Barbrady(reading script.):I...am...cheese...man...What the hell is this crap!!!!! News Guy:That's for the 'Happy Happy Turtle Show.', sorry. Barbrady:Oh.
Hallway.
(Kenny now has an AK-47 and is running down the hall like a guy in Rainbow 6, but he bumps into something.) Voice:Watch it butt pipe!!! Kenny(whispering.):Cartman?!?!?! Cartman:Yeah, who'd you expect, John Malcovich? Kenny(whispering.):Dude, keep your voice down! Cartman:Why?! Kenny(whispering.):They'll hear you, and they'll kill you, and you'll never see Sheila again, that's why! Cartman(whispering.):I'll be good...(waddles outside.) Kenny:Good.
Mr.Garrison's room.
Lenni(breaking down.):I don't wanna die here!!!!(cries.) Wendy:It's okay, we'el get out of here somehow... Stan:Dude, where's Cartman? Kyle:I dunno dude. Sheila:I hope my cookie's okay.......... (Tweek looks outside.) Tweek:H-he's outside!!!ERK!!!!!The pressure!!!!!!!!! (Everyone looks.) (Explosion at the door.) Terrorist:What the hell??? (a shilouetted figure is in the smoke of the explosion.It's Kenny.) Kenny:Outta my way asshole.(Shoots the terrorist in the chest 3 times with the captured AK-47.) Lenni:Kenny!!!!!(Runs to him, hugas and kisses Kenny.)I missed you, I thought I was gonna die her! Kenny:Not with me alive and capable of kicking ass you aren't!(Hugs Lenni and kisses her on the cheek.) (The scamps file out of the school.Kenny is watching their backs.a guy with a grenade launcher enters, restraining Wendy.) Wendy:[address] me!!!Ow!!! Jahad(Grenade Launcher dude.)I am [address] to New World Order or die painfully!!!!!(Puts launcher to Wendy's head.) Stan:WENDY!!!!!! Kenny:Lemme think for a sec.....No.(Raises his pistol.) Jahad:Hahahahaha, little boy think he can kill [address]!!!!! Kenny:Watch me.(Pulls trigger, Jahad falls over, a quarter of his head is missing, splattered on the doors, Wendy runs to Stan, they hug, go to kiss, but Stan barfs.) Midget In A Bikini(To Kenny.):How did you do it? Kenny:I'm not gonna tell.That's all I'm saying. (Kenny and Lenni leave.) (As Kenny and Lenni leave, the mines set out in the morning go off, but are somehow turned into fireworks, they spell out 'The End', as 'Everybody Wants To Rule The World' by Tears For Fears plays.)