I just felt the need to do one more short fic before I leave for vacation. So, here it is!
Mr. Dead "Mr. Dead: Making the world safer for those who aren't living! members.tripod.com/Mister_Dead/index/sphaven.html
Squares By Chris Anderson
[Author's Note: This is a South Park short, not a full length episode. No real plot should be derived.]
[Fade in, South Park Elementary auditorium. The auditorium is full. Up on the stage, there is a huge tic-tac-toe board set up. Off to the left side of the stage, there are three podiums, one larger than the other two in the middle. The two side podiums have an "X" and an "O" on them, respectively. The lights in the auditorium dim and the lights on the stage go up. Shadoe Stevens walks out on the right side of the stage.]
SHADOE STEVENS: Welcome to the new South Park Squares!
[The audience cheers.]
SHADOE STEVENS: And now, Ladies and Gentlemen, let's meet today's Squares! In the upper left, it's Tweek!
[Tweek walks into his square.]
TWEEK: AAAAHHH! I'm so high up! This is too much pressure, man!
SHADOE STEVENS: In the upper middle, All In The Family star, Sally Struthers!
[Sally Struthers walks into her square. She's eating. The bottom of her square sags down a little.]
SHADOW STEVENS: In the upper right, Pip!
[Pip walks into his square.]
PIP: Hello, everyone! So good to see you all here today! You know, I am reminded of�
AUDIENCE: Shut up, Pip!
PIP: Right-o.
SHADOE STEVENS: In the middle left, South Park Elementary's star quarterback, Stanley Marsh!
[Stan walks into his square. Cut to Wendy in the audience.]
WENDY: Hi, Stan!
[Cut back to the board. Stan throws up into the bottom left square.]
STAN: Hi, Wendy!
SHADOE STEVENS: From the middle right, the Jewish kid, Kyle Brofslovski!
[Kyle walks into his square.]
KYLE: (To Stan.) Dude! What did you eat!? It looks like raisin bran!
SHADOE STEVENS: In the bottom left square, South Park's keeper of the peace, Officer Barbrady!
[Officer Barbrady walks into his square, slips on Stan's puke, and falls
down. He pulls himself back up.]
OFFICER BARBRADY: OK, somebody went and left mess in my square!
SHADOE STEVENS: In the bottom middle�
[We can hear Mr. Garrison laughing.]
MR. GARRISON: (Laughing, off screen.) Bottom middle! That's gravy! HA! "Bottom middle gravy!"
[Mr. Garrison keeps laughing in the background.]
SHADOE STEVENS: �It's Kenny McCormick!
[Kenny walks into his square.]
KENNY: Mmnmn nmnmmnnmn nmnmn mnmn!
SHADOE STEVENS: In the bottom right square, the lady killer, Chef!
[Chef walks into his square.]
CHEF: Hello, children!
SHADOE STEVENS: And from the center square, Eric Cartman!
[Cartman walks into his square and notices that the ceiling is sagging down due to Sally Struthers above him.]
CARTMAN: What the f*ck is this bullsh*t!? Who the Hell built this thing
hya!?
[Some crumbs from Sally Struthers' food fall just inside Cartman's square. Cartman grabs the crumbs and eats them.]
CARTMAN: Well, Ah guess this is pretty sweet.
SHADOE STEVENS: And here's the host of South Park Squares: Mr. Garrison!
[Mr. Garrison walks out from back stage, still wiping tears away from his eyes from laughing so much. He takes his place at the center podium at the left of the stage.]
MR. GARRISON: You forgot Mr. Hat, Shadoe.
SHADOE STEVENS: Whatever. I just read what's on the cards. I have no original thoughts of my own.
[Shadoe Stevens walks off stage.]
MR. GARRISON: Well, welcome to South Park Squares! Let's meet our two contestants! First, he has his own public access television show and, in his spare time, he kills animals in extremely violent ways. Please welcome Jimbo Kearns!
[Jimbo walks out from back stage and takes his seat behind the "O" podium.]
MR. HAT: Our next contestant comes to us all the way from Nazareth. He's a carpenter by trade, also has his own public access TV show, and he also happens to be the son of God. Please welcome Jesus Christ!
[Jesus comes out and takes his seat behind the "X" podium.]
JIMBO: (Under his breath.) Oh, just f*cking great! I'm gonna get my ass kicked!
MR. GARRISON: OK, if you can't figure this game out, you're a damn retard. Let's begin! Jesus, since you won the toss back stage, you pick first.
JIMBO: (Under his breath.) Yeah, like that toss wasn't fixed.
MR. GARRISON: What was that, Jimbo?
JIMBO: I said, "Too bad I bet on the Knicks."
MR. GARRISON: Oh. Jesus, go ahead.
JESUS: I'll go with Chef.
[The audience cheers.]
MR. GARRISON: Chef, which toe causes male pattern baldness?
CHEF: Say what!? None of a person's toes does that!
MR. GARRISON: Jesus?
JESUS: I'll agree.
MR. HAT: Bzzzt!! Wrong, pig-f*cker! It's the left toe.
CHEF: What!?
MR. GARRISON: Circle gets the square!
[A circle lights up in Chef's square.]
MR. GARRISON: Jimbo?
JIMBO: Well, I think I'll take my nephew, Stanley!
[The audience cheers.]
MR. GARRISON: OK! Stan, what year was the Spanish Armada's first manned space flight to Jupiter?
STAN: Um�I think it was 1974.
JIMBO: I'll disagree. Sorry, Stanley.
MR. HAT: Wrong! It was is 1974!
JIMBO: What the Hell are you talking about!?
MR. GARRISON: That's what it says on the card! X takes the square!
[An X lights up in Stan's square.]
MR. GARRISON: Jesus, you're up.
JESUS: I'll take Tweek.
[The audience cheers.]
MR. GARRISON: Tweek�
TWEEK: AAAHHH!
MR. GARRISON: �What was the name of the first Beach Boys song featuring
Snoop Doggy Dog and Dr. Dre?
TWEEK: Too much pressure! AAAAHHH!
[Tweek starts banging his head on his square. The entire board creaks and Sally Struthers' square sags a little lower.]
MR. GARRISON: Jesus?
JESUS: I'll agree.
MR. HAT: For being all-knowing you sure are an idiot! Probably because
you're Jewish! The correct answer is "Surfin' Wit' My Bitch An' Drinkin' Gin An' Juice In My Little Stingray."
MR. GARRISON: Circle gets the square!
[A circle lights up in Tweek's square.]
TWEEK: AAAAHHH!
MR. GARRISON: Jimbo?
JIMBO: Well, as much as I hate to do it, I'll take Eric Cartman for the win.
[Silence from the audience.]
CARTMAN: (To the audience.) Well, screw you too!
MR. GARRISON: Eric, what is the number one doll in America?
CARTMAN: Um�Polly Prissy Pants?
JIMBO: I've got to disagree.
MR. HAT: Well, that would figure! The one time Cartman gets something right and you disagree!
MR. GARRISON: X gets the square!
KYLE: Hey, Cartman! How did you know that?
CARTMAN: Shut up, you son-of-a-bitch!
MR. GARRISON: Jesus?
JESUS: I'll go with my fellow Jew, Kyle Brofslovski.
[The audience cheers.]
CARTMAN: Oh, sure! Go and cheer for the damn, dirty Jew!
KYLE: Shut up, Cartman!
MR. GARRISON: Boys, knock it off, or I'll throw both your asses in detention. Now, Kyle, what the name of the airplane Charles Lindbergh flew to Willy Wonka's chocolate factory?
KYLE: How the Hell am I supposed to know that!?
MR. GARRISON: Just answer the question, reject!
KYLE: Fine. "Ass Master."
JESUS: I'll, uh, I'll disagree.
MR. HAT: Wrong! Wrong! Wrong! Kyle's right and you're wrong! Some messiah you are.
MR. GARRISON: Circle gets the square!
[A circle lights up in Kyle's square.]
MR. GARRISON: Jimbo, I think we know who you're going to pick�
[Jimbo looks at the board and sees that he had to pick Pip to block.]
JIMBO: Aw, Christ�
JESUS: Yes?
JIMBO: Nothin'. I guess I'll take Pip to block.
PIP: O, Glorious Day! I knew that if I waited patiently, someone would
pick me and�
JIMBO: Shut up, Pip!
PIP: Right-o.
MR. GARRISON: Pip, what country are you from?
PIP: Well, Mr. Garrison, I am from England.
JIMBO: Well, judging from his accent, I'll agree.
MR. HAT: No no no no no no no no! The answer is France!
JIMBO: But�
MR. HAT: Do not force me to destroy all you hold dear with the unholy power of the Nether Realms at my command!
MR. GARRISON: X gets the square!
[An X lights up in Pip's square.]
CARTMAN: Hey, Stan! You and Pip are both Xs! Ha ha!
STAN: You're an X, too, fat-ass!
[Cartman looks at his light.]
CARTMAN: Goddammit!
JESUS: I will do no such thing.
CARTMAN: Huh?
MR. GARRISON: Who will you pick, Jesus?
JESUS: I'll take Officer Barbrady.
[The audience cheers.]
OFFICER BARBRADY: Who?
MR. GARRISON: Officer Barbrady, what is the motto of the South Park Police Department?
OFFICER BARBRADY: Well, extensive tunneling in the underground caverns hasn't revealed anything yet. But, with the aid of advanced scientific techniques of crop dusting, we've concluded that the suspect is probably a person.
JESUS: I'll disagree. I'm pretty sure it's "To annoy and patronize."
MR. HAT: You're the dumbest Jew I've ever seen! He's right, you moron!
JESUS: But I've seen it on his car!
MR. HAT: I don't care if you've seen it up his ass! You're wrong!
MR. GARRISON: Circle gets the square!
[A circle lights up in Officer Barbrady's square.]
MR. GARRISON: Jimbo?
JIMBO: I'll take Sally Struthers.
[Silence from the audience.]
CARTMAN: Well, at least Ah ain't the only one they hate!
[More crumbs fall from Sally Struthers and Cartman grabs them and eats them.]
MR. GARRISON: Um�are you sure, Jimbo? I mean, you could win the game if you picked Kenny.
JIMBO: Maybe so, Mr. Garrison. But, I've had a thing for Sally Struthers ever since she was on Full House, so I'll go with her.
MR. GARRISON: OK. It's your loss. Sally, where was the first settlement of the planet Pluto located in New York City?
[Sally Struthers is stuffing her face full. She mumbles something around a full mouth.]
JIMBO: I'm afraid I'll have to disagree.
MR. HAT: Bzzzt! Wrong! You could have won the game, dipsh*t!
MR. GARRISON: Well, Jesus, if you get this correct, you can still win the game by having the most squares on the board. Are you ready?
JESUS: I guess so. I'll take Kenny McCormick for the win.
[The audience cheers.]
CARTMAN: Hey! No! Don't cheer for him! He's too Goddamn poor to cheer for!
KENNY: Mmnmn nmmn nmnmnm, nmnmnm-mnmnmn!
CARTMAN: You take that back, you asshole! Ah'm comin' down nya to kick
your bitch ass!
MR. GARRISON: Eric, stay in your seat!
CARTMAN: But, Mr. Garrison, he�
MR. HAT: Dammit! Just sit still and shut the f*ck up!
MR. GARRISON: All right. Kenny, where is the G-Spot located?
KENNY: Mnmnmn�
[The board creeks horribly as Sally Struthers' square sags even more. It starts sagging more and more.]
KENNY: Mmnmn!
[Sally Struthers falls through the floor of her square, landing on Cartman. The floor of Cartman's square gives way and falls, with Cartman and Sally Struthers on it, onto Kenny, crushing him.]
MR. GARRISON: Oh, dear! Is everyone all right?
[Cartman pushes Sally Struthers off of him.]
CARTMAN: Ah'm all right. Somethin' musta broken mah fall.
[Blood slowly starts to run out from underneath the fallen floor of Cartman's square.]
STAN: Oh, my God! They've killed Kenny!
KYLE: You bastards!
MR. GARRISON: Well, I guess no one wins since Kenny didn't get to finish answering.
JESUS AND JIMBO: What!?
MR. GARRISON: Well, you can't agree or disagree with him because he never finished. So, it's a tie.
JIMBO: Well, what was the prize for the winner?
MR. GARRISON: Well, there is no winner. But we'll tell you anyway. Shadoe?
SHADOE STEVENS: (Voice over.) It's a one-way ticket out of this little pissant white-bread mountain town!
JESUS: (To Sally Struthers) YOU BITCH!
[Jesus runs over to Sally Struthers and starts beating the Hell out of her. Some security guards rush in and try to pull him off. Jesus starts kicking their asses, too.]
SHADOE STEVENS: (Voice over.) For Mr. Garrison, Mr. Hat, and all the Squares, I'm Shadoe Stevens saying, "Whoopi Goldberg sucks!"
[Fade out.]