GARRISON'S SECRET - Part 3 by Steve Sutton
Kyle: I'm not [bleep]ing jealous, dammit! Chef: Now, children, you know I don't put up with that kind of language. Maybe you should go talk to Mister Mackey about this. Stan: Yeah, dude. Kyle: First of all, I don't need to talk to Mister Mackey. Second of all, I couldn't care less what Stan and Wendy do together. Third of all, I don't want to hear another word about how I'm jealous of Wendy, because I'm not! I'm not jealous of her! (Chef and Kyle stare at each other for several seconds.) Chef: Oh, I think you need to talk to Mister Mackey. (Kyle angrily takes his tray of food and leaves.) Chef: Man, that is one fudged-up little cracker. (In the principal's office, Principal Victoria is busy sharpening pencils.) Garrison (in a self-induced, psychotic daze): Excuse me, Principal Victoria? Victoria: Yes, Mister Garrison? Come on in and have a sit-down. Garrison: That's okay, I just wanted to tell you that I need to take the rest of the afternoon off to attend to a personal matter. Victoria: Oh, my! I hope it's nothing serious. Garrison: No, I just need to dispose of -- run some evidence. I just need to run some errands. Victoria: Well, sure, go ahead, then. We'll just let the children run amok for the next two and a half hours. Garrison (starting to leave): Thank you, Principal Victoria. Victoria: Mister Garrison, I was being sarcastic, there. Garrison: Oh. (There's a long pause.) Garrison: So, can I go? Victoria: Er, no, Mister Garrison. I think it would be better if you stayed. Garrison: Oh. (Another long pause.) Garrison: Mister Hat doesn't want to stay. Victoria: Well, that's just too bad for Mister Hat, now, isn't it? (After another pause, Garrison goes back to his classroom.) Victoria (sharpening pencils again): Mister Hat...yeah, right. (Later, Kyle is sitting in Mr. Mackey's office.) Mackey: Uh, okay, Kyle, what seems to be the trouble, mmkay? Kyle: It's so stupid, everybody thinks I'm jealous because Stan likes Wendy Testaburger. Mackey: Mmkay, well, uh, Stan's one of your little friends, right? Kyle: Yeah, dude. Mackey: Well, how do you feel about him when Wendy Testaburger's around? Kyle: What do you mean? Mackey: Mmkay, what I'm saying is, do you feel like he's still your friend when she's around, mmkay? Or do you feel like you want to chop his heart out with an ax, or something, mmkay? Kyle: Dude! What the hell are you talking about? Mackey: Uh, mmkay. Young love is like that, mmkay? When two friends, like you and Stan, like the same girl, mmkay? They usually start feeling like they hate each other, mmkay? But they don't really, mmkay? They just feel like they do. And if they're not careful, they'll forget they are friends and be left only with the hate, mmkay? Even after the girl is gone. Uh, mmkay? Kyle: Dude, Wendy's the one I hate, not Stan. Mackey: Uh, well now I'm confused. Kyle: Stan and I have been best friends since we were little. We've spent almost every day of our lives together. Then, that bitch Wendy came along and he got all hormoney and started spending every minute he could with her. Mackey: Uh, we don't say the word "bitch", mmkay? Kyle: What? Mackey: That word, "bitch", we don't say it, mmkay? Kyle: Whatever, dude. Mackey: And I think I know what the problem is, Kyle, mmkay? You see, Stan has obviously entered what's known as puberty, mmkay? That means he's starting to be physically attracted to girls, mmkay? So, it's only natural that he's gonna want to spend more time with them, and less time with his friends, mmkay? Kyle: Oh. Mackey: Yeah, right now, you're dirty toilet water to him. Kyle: So, you're saying Wendy's responsible for pubertizing him. Mackey: uh, mmkay. Kyle: And, if she were dead, he'd be normal again. Mackey: Uh, Kyle, I think there's been some kind of misunderstanding, mmkay? Kyle: No. There hasn't. I understand now. It's not his fault, it's Wendy's for putting puberty all over him. And I know what I have to do, now. Thanks, Mister Mackey. I didn't think it was possible, but you've helped me. I'll never forget that. (Kyle gets up and leaves.) Mackey (pausing): Uh-oh.
TO BE CONTINUED...