NoContent.
Yeah, the Titanic.
for spending my whole day writing MAKE.MONEY.FAST messages on the Internet.
from that correspondence school Sally Struthers talks about on TV
Insurance ain't cheap on a 1978 Pinto.
It smells bad and carries disease.
Yeah, all the good scam artist jobs on the carnvial midway were filled.
I'm leaving that alone... it's just TOO easy.
I had a SMALL bit of brain matter that I didn't bother consulting with, as well.
I found a week old Dorito, can I use that as collateral?
Along with alt.binaries.pictures.erotica and alt.barney.dinosaur.die.die.die.
Except I'm posting intelligently.
Gee, imagine the odds of that.
You got me. And I would have gotten away with it if it wasn't for those meddling kids.
And that was your first mistake.
Can I send them the week old Dorito instead?
Preferably alt.gullible.people.
Until I read the fine print that forced me to give up my immortal soul for just considering it.
And your disappointment will be 15 times greater, too.
My dog, my cat, and that annoying little voice in my head.
It's not like I had any common sense or dignity to lose...
I didn't worry about netiquette, because no one really does.
Of course, the fact that I only asked them if it was legal to put more than one stamp on an envelope might have influenced that decision.
In quarters, into the pinball machine at the grocery store.
What?!?!?
Look closely... those things usually say "This is not a check."
That's what you get for putting the radio so close to the bathtub, you dimwit.
As if you were capable of this.
Eventually, the cost of food for all this money was greater than my income.
It was more money than I had ever seen in my wallet at one time.
One night on the street corner downtown could've got ya that.
All those times when Dad would hit me and Mom would laugh and say "You'll never amount to anything" seem so ludricrous now...
But I've always been risky with my money like that.
Executive summary: It doesn't.
You see, the hydrogen atoms are fused together almost instantly...
In case you wake up in the middle of the night and need a good laugh.
Holy crap! There's INFORMATION in here?!?
Lather. Rinse. Repeat.
"I'm STOOPID! Take my MONEY AWAY!!!"
"ESPECIALLY IF YOU HAVE PORNOGRAPHY."
None of that Canadian crap.
Alternatively, you can just tape the dollar bill to the outside of the envelope "this shows people how dumb you really are"
Sealing is the most important otherwise "people won't know that you're stupid."
If not, throw everything away (including the money) and try again.
Except in states with vowels in their names.
In no particular order:
"I thought it'd be like Greece, but it just rains all the time."
"In the Big Apple, we can spot a con artist from a mile away."
Trent's stoking? No wonder there hasn't been a Nine Inch Nails song for so long, he's stoking in England!
Leeds... that's where Scary Spice is from. ARE YOU HER?!? I HATED YOUR MOVIE!
"Ontario's cleanest"
"I thought it said Clarissa Way, but I can't find Melissa Joan Hart ANYWHERE!"
This week, debuting at #6 on the countdown, "Loser," by Beck.
Otherwise, some truth might leak into it.
Remember, alt.gullible.people.
And the more people you will piss off, and the more messages like this will go up and make fun of you, but they're just jealous because you're going to make TONS of money and they're not.
1. Don't bother -- there's nothing good on the groups anymore except for spam.
But it helps you practice.
If not, throw those envelopes away and try again.
Computers are much smarter than you, after all.
Otherwise, you're cheating.
But after you get blacklisted from every ISP in the world, that probably won't be important to you.
If you're lucky.
This will also be what they use to skip past your message.
DELETE IT AND GET A REAL JOB!
It's official! You're gullible AND stupid!
We're SO sorry.
Hit it harder if it doesn't crack the first time -- the glass in monitors is pretty thick.
And the flames to your e-mail account will soon follow.
And the more enemies you'll make, too!
Otherwise, Satan will come for your soul.
Some of it will even be legal!
It helps with the death threats you'll receive from jealous povs.
We suggest "A Big Fat Loser," so the postman knows it's you.
Also assume that one of those is not a reply like this one, just mocking you.
Which almost pays for the window in your car broken by the Anti-Spam Liberation Force.
This demostrates rudimentary mathematics.
That's more money than I ever saw working at IHOP.
wow... I need a cigarette now. And a new pair of underwear.
Dilbert: The best part is, everyone gets [address]: Well, the last guy kinda gets it in the shorts.
And if you still have an Internet account.
Some of them are even dumber than you are!
Not really... ever since the divorce...
Ladies and gentlemen, I present THE FUNNIEST STATEMENT ON THE INTERNET THAT ISN'T TRYING TO BE FUNNY!!!
As opposed to the fake internets that are springing up daily.
Or else you'll sit in the corner.
It also makes it easier for liars like us to fleece you.
But it helps.
How much money is in a ton?
Maybe only a tenth as much. And one tenth of zero is...
Oh gosh, only $150 after a $0 investment. So if I invest ten times zero dollars, I should make $1500?
Well, good for him. Ten strikeouts in a game is most impressive.
And our Internet bandwidth.
Because I'm not.
Good night, and God bless America.