Kids and... Gardens by the_davester
Note: This is one of the fanfics that I wrote *ages* ago. I dusted it up, finished it (I only wrote to the end of the 1st flashback) and added some stuff here and there. So, here it is, a look into the scamp's lives as preschoolers, kidnergarteners and 1st-graders.
This fanfic is shorter than my usual ones.
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----------Bus Stop---------- Stan: Dude, where's the bus? Kyle: Maybe Miss Crabtree is dead. Cartman: Aww. Isn't that too bad. It's almost 9 of the clock. Stan: Nine 'of the clock'?! Cartman: Nevermind. Kyle: Remember when we were in Kindergarten? We didn't have to ride the bus. Stan: Yeah, our parents took us. Cartman: Yeah, those were the days.
----------Flashback Time...---------- (Mr. Garrison's room. =:-0 . Mr. Garrison has a lot more hair, and it is, uh, a darker grey. It's, uh, 1994. The kids are in kindergarten.)
Mr. Garrison: Hello there, children. Now, I'm going to learn all of
your names, but first I'd like to introduce you to Mr. Hat.
Mr. Hat: f[bleep] you all.
Mr. Garrison: He's just bitter because we have to teach the same
thirty damn student over and over until third grade, and then
you all never leave the third grade.
Stan: Mr. Garrison?
Mr. Garrison: What is it?
Stan: My name is Stan.
Mr. Garrison: That's nice. Now, then children, Mr. Hat will teach
us the name game.
Mr. Hat: Okay, kiddies. You tell me your name, address, and if you
hide any keys under your mats and whether or not you leave
any windows or doors unlocked.
Mr. Garrison: *Mr. Hat!!!* (pauses). Okay, now we'll go around
and introduce ourselves.
Cartman: Hi. I'm Eric.
Stan: His name is Eric, but we call him 'Cartman.' Or just fatass.
Cartman: Ay! Shut your hole, you bitchass motherf<bleep>ing son of
a whore!
Mr. Garrison: Whoa, Eric! Do you need to sit in time out?!
Cartman: No.---------- Bus Stop (in the present) ----------- Stan: Yeah, and strangest of all, Kenny didn't have a potty mouth. Kenny: {Let's just say that I was uneducated.} Cartman: Hey, where did you learn all of that pervert crap, Kenny? Kenny: {Well, it was a very long time ago, in about first grade...}
---------- Mr. Garrison's Room, circa 1st Grade ----------- (It's 1st Grade, and Mr. Garrison has already begun to lose hair)
Mr. Garrison: My oh, my. I can't believe that I'm losing my hair already.
You children had better behave, because today just isn't
my day.... (continues in background)(Stan is sitting there, with the big smile and the hearts, staring at Wendy) Cartman: You like her, don't you Stan? Stan: Wha- what? Cartman: You like her don't you? Stan: Who? Cartman: That new girl. You wanna kiss her, don't you? Stan: Shut up! I don't even know her name! Cartman (sing-songy): Stan likes Wendy! Stan likes-- Stan: <sigh>. Wendy... Cartman: Ha ha ha ha! Stan and Wendy sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g!
Mr. Garrison: God dammit! I told you kids to ***SHUT THE F<BLEEP>CK UP!!!!*** (In his anger, he tosses his pointing stick, which hits Kenny in the head)
Stan (silently): Oh my god, I love Wendy. Kyle: You bastard! Cartman: Wait a second, Kenny isn't dead. (He pokes Kenny with a pencil) Kenny: {Ug! You piece of crap!}
Mr. Garrison: Kenny, you should go see the nurse.
(Kenny gets up and leaves. The camera follows him) Kenny: {Stupid Mr. Garrison and his pointing stick...}
(Kenny trips and falls, and the pointing stick is lodged even farther in the brain.) Kenny: {Uggg. I don't feel so good.} (He rips the stick out. As he is doing so, we see an X-ray of his head. The stick rips a hole in his pituitary gland, so that Perverted Thoughts, represented by little faces with tongues stuck out, invade his brain) Kenny: {Whoa... I feel so... horny...} (He runs back to class and opens the door)
Mr. Garrison: My, that was quick, Kenny. Are you okay? Kenny: {Yeah.} Cartman: Stan and Wendy, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. Kenny: {Hee hee hee. Stan and Wendy, sitting in a tree, F-U-C-*-I-N-G!} Stan: Whoa! Sick, Kenny!
Mr. Garrison: God, dammit! *THAT IS IT!!!* (He throws a book at Kenny's already damaged head, which collapses like an aluminum can) Stan: Oh my god! They killed Kenny! Kyle: You bastards!
[Commercial]
---------- Bus Stop (in the present) ---------- Stan: Yeah, that's all right. Except the part where you died, Kenny. Because You didn't die because you're right here telling us this story! Kenny: (rolls his eyes) {At least I'm not a fatass, like Cartman!} Cartman: Ay! I'm not fat! I'm an 'overweight individual!' Kyle: Well, remember, guys. He wasn't always fat. Remember before school?...
---------- Before school began, Cartman's house ----------- (The four boys are seated on the couch, watching TV) Ms. Cartman: Eric, honey. Could you come here for a second? Cartman: Well, guys. I gotta go see mah ma. Chill, huh? Kyle: Hurry up, Eric! You're gonna miss Sesame Street!
(Cartman leaves, humming the song he sung during the 2nd halloween episode) Ms. Cartman: Sorry, dear. But they were out of carrot sticks. Cartman: Awww, that's too bad. But the important thing is that you tried, ma. Ms. Cartman: But I did get you some Cheesy Poofs. See if you like them!
(Cartman reaches into the box, grabs a handfull and eats some) Cartman: Yum. (He reaches and grabs another. On his third grab into the box, his mom stops him)
Ms. Cartman: Now, now, Eric, you don't want to spoil your appetite. Cartman: Goddamit! *I WANT CHEESY POOFS,* mah!!!! Ms. Cartman: Now, now. Don't throw a fit with company, dear! Cartman: (begins that annoying whining sound) Ms. Cartman: OK! Have them! (She hands Cartman the entire box) Cartman: Buy me more! Ms. Cartman: But I can't afford it, dear, I-- Cartman: Ay! Listen, woman, when I tell you to do something, you get your bitch ass to work!
(He walks back into the living room, and has already gained some weight) Stan: Whoa, dude! You look fatter, Eric! Kyle: Man, we shouldn't call him Eric! He's too fat and that name's too skinny! Kenny: {Maybe we should call him Cartman! That's a fat name.} Stan: Yeah! We'll call him Cartman! Cartman: Goddammit! If you call me that one more time, I'll throw you out of my house, you bitches!
---------- The Present ---------- Stan: Maybe we should walk to school, I mean, it is only two blocks away. Kyle: No way, dude! If the bus doesn't show up in, like, (checks his watch) half an hour, then we get to go home! Cartman: Well, I'm cold and tired! Stan: You're always tired, carrying all of that weight around! Cartman: Okay, that does it! Screw you guy, I'm going home! (Cartman leaves) Kenny: {Hey guy, remember that time we al-} Stan: Not now, Kenny. I'm getting tired of remembering! Kyle: Yeah, and here comes the bus! (The bus pulls up)
Ms. Crabtree: HURRY UP! WE'RE RUNNING LAAAAAAAATTE!!!! Stan: Shut your mouth, you son of a whore! Ms. Crabtree: WHAT DID YOU SAY? Stan: Uh, I said 'some people think it's fun to snore!' Ms. Crabtree: Really? That gives me gas.
(The back of the bus) Stan: Dudes, Cartman's gonna get into trouble! Kyle: Good for him. Stan: WOw, being in first grade sure was better than now.
(The bus pulls up to the school, and the kids get off. Clyde comes up) Clyde: C'mon, there's a baseball game! Stan: Wow! (They run over to the baseball diamond) Stan: OK, we'll be on this team. Kenny, you be catcher. Kenny: {Why the f*ck do *I* have to be catcher?} Stan: Because! Now, Clyde's up to bat, so get ready! Kenny: {F*cking baseball and f*cking catchers!}
(The pitcher throws, and Clyde swings. In the swing, he takes Kenny's head off)
Stan: Oh my god, they killed Kenny! Kyle: You bastard! He dropped the ball! Stan: Man, Kenny, if you weren't dead you'd really suck.
[The end!!!]
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Well, how was it? Comments, feedback, etc. *always* appreciated.
the_davester