"Man, I thought Mr. Garrison would never shut up about that damn chimp," Stan complains, reaching for a lunch tray.
Kyle replies in kind. "Yeah, it's too bad that we can't get that re...fraining order to make him not talk about that crap anymore."
Chef stands behind the lunch counter, ever ready to greet the four scamps with some delicious lunch and lascivious advice.
"How are my little crackers today?"
"Bad," all four respond. A small sign behind them reads, "Ham and Yams, Sweetheart Surprise, Hummus B Valentine's"
"Well, what's wrong, children?" Chef inquires.
All four children start in with their tales of woe.
"Somebody wrote Wendy this letter..."
"Letter?" Chef asks.
"And then Kyle said he'd tell my mah I'm dieting..."
"Dieting?" Chef worries.
"And if she calls my mom, I can't have my party..."
"Party?" Chef wonders.
"Mrfph mfrp frgn mphrf fmfphrfm..."
"Tape dispenser?!" Chef exclaims. "Children, children...would you like my advice?"
The kids stare at Chef, hopefully. Chef begins to sing.
"Things will get you down sometimes, Like when your girl got somethin' on the side, So maybe you're a little pudgy, A diet might be all right."
Cartman interjects, "AY!" but Chef continues, unabated.
"Everyone knows your mom's a bitch, Don't hold the truth against the guy, And even a tape dispenser can kick your ass, Don't mean you shouldn't try..."
Chef shifts into an up-tempo mode.
"Try and get yourself some action! Try and get yourself satisfaction! I know you're not as cool as me, But if you try you may succeeeeeeed..."
"CHEF!" all four children scream.
Chef stops singing. "Yes, children?"
Stan looks at Chef, worriedly. "We'll figure it out for ourselves. Come on, you guys." The four children grab their trays and head to their regular place in the cafeteria.
"Crazy crackers," Chef mumbles.
"Anyway, Kyle, I'm really worried...I know I didn't write that letter to Wendy, so who could have?"
"Well, I don't know, dude!" Kyle says. "I don't even know how I'm supposed to cope with Garrison the rest of the day. He's such a jerk...but I can't talk back to him, or I can't have my party this weekend!"
"And if you can't have your party, where am I supposed to go this weekend?" Cartman spouts. "Kenny's House of Frozen Waffles?"
"You fmrphr," Kenny exclaims, and punches Cartman's head.
Stan spots Wendy from across the crowded cafeteria, and decides it is time to set the second part of his plan into action. He grabs the box of cookie-flowers, and makes his way across the room...only to see her clutching a pot of daffodils. She sniffs at them, and a broad smile crosses her face. Seeing Stan, she sets the plant down, and rushes to him, giving him a big hug.
"Oh, Stan...that letter...the card...the daffodils..." Tears well up in Wendy's eyes, as she looks down at the box in Stan's hands. "What's this?"
"Um...cookies...just in case..." Stan stammers, half pissed, half terrified that someone's after his girl.
"How...sweet, Stan," Wendy states simply, and takes her seat again. Stan, feeling somewhat rejected, returns to his table.
"Damn, dude!" Kyle speaks, worried for his friend. "Where'd she get the flower pot?"
"I don't know, dude, and it's starting to piss me off!" Stan states, a look of jealousy crossing his face. "I'm gonna put phase three into action now. Whoever is after Wendy will just have to forget it...I'll be making sweet love to her next recess."
With that, Stan takes his Dramamine, and the boys finish their lunch in silence.
~~~~~~~~~~~
The form over South Park peers down with its otherworldly eyes, watching the children playing during the rest of their lunch period. It spots a young girl with a beret, swinging next to a girl with curly blonde hair. With its powerful ears, it listens to their conversation.
"I don't know, Wendy. Maybe Stan didn't really send you those flowers...maybe you really *do* have a secret admirer," the blonde says.
"Oh, BeBe," sighs Wendy. "I know Stan means well, but his gifts just don't compare to the ones from my secret admirer. But Stan's my sweetheart! Oh, I just don't know what to do!"
The figure turns its attention to the young Stan Marsh, playing on the teeter-totter with his friend Kyle.
"Dude, I gotta get down," Stan says to the other boy.
"Why, dude?" inquires Kyle. "I thought the dra..ma...mine was supposed to make it so you don't get nauseous!"
"I'm not nauseous!" Stan shouts at his friend. "I just...I feel kinda weak...like I need to take a nap or something." He hops down off of the teeter-totter, and wobbles for a minute, before standing up straight.
"Dude, you don't look so good," Kyle worries.
"I don't care, dude. I gotta prove to Wendy that I'm her man." The bell rings, and the children set a determined course back to the classroom, though Stan looks a little...woozy.
{Woozy or not,} the sky creature thinks, {in a little while, she'll have her proof, Stanley Marsh.}
With that, the creature swoops down, to hide in the cover of some evergreens.
~~~~~~~~~~~
"Damn it, Ned, it's gone!" shouts Jimbo.
"Mmmkk...it'll come back...and we'll be waitingmmmk."
"Yepper, buddy." Jimbo fishes a beer out of the cooler beside him. One of the cameramen tries to do the same, which earns him a swat on the hand. "Hey! Get your own beer, pal!"
~~~~~~~~~~~
"All right now, settle down children," Mr. Garrison instructs the class. "As I was saying before, Bubbles the chimpanzee is a spry little..."
"Aw Christ, not Bubbles again," Kyle mumbles, a bit too loudly.
"What was that, Kyle?"
"I...I said, that chimp doubles...as a friend, Mr. Garrison," Kyle spouts, hoping it'll fool the teacher.
"Are you sure that's what you said, Kyle?"
"Yes, Mr. Garrison."
"All right then. So as you can see, when I tried to climb the wall at Neverland, I..."
Stan chooses this moment in the proceedings to allow his head to drop to his desk. He can still hear Mr. Garrison's lecture, but his subconscious is presenting him with mental images to go along with Garrison's words.
"And that's when I learned that chimps don't bark, but they certainly do bite!"
Stan visualizes a chimpanzee, swinging through the trees at some rich guy's estate, trying to catch up to Mr. Garrison, who is wearing a loincloth and swinging from a vine. Garrison's face looks like David Hasselhoff's. Suddenly, Bubbles turns into Pamela Anderson. She is nibbling at Mr. Garrison's ear. Then Mr. Hat lets go of the vine, only Mr. Hat looks like Frosty... that evil snowman...oh, the horror...the teeth...and Mr. Frosty reaches for Pamela's neck, only it's not Pamela anymore, it's Wendy...and they start making out...and Wendy flips the bird at Stan...and suddenly it's not Frosty anymore...it's Wendy's secret admirer...it's...
"Aaaaaaaugh!" Stan screams, shaking himself from the hallucination. The entire class stares at him. He realizes his pencil has left an indentation on his forehead, and he rubs at it groggily. Then he looks to Mr. Garrison, who has a mortified look on his face.
"Why yes, Stanley, that's exactly the sound I made. I'm glad to see at least one student is paying attention." Garrison glares at Kyle, then returns to his lecture.
Stan continues to stare forward, in a daze, too frightened of what his weary mind might come up with next to even consider closing his eyes for longer than it takes to blink. {I've just got to make it to next recess...next...recess} he reaffirms, his eyes glazing over while the teacher drones on.
Kyle glances at his friend, who has a dopey grin on his face and remains unblinking. {I gotta get me some of that} he thinks, before turning to Cartman.
"Dude, Stan seems pretty messed up," he whispers, while Garrison's back is turned.
"Frmf rfmfphrf frfm phrmpfh phrfm mrfph!" Kenny says softly.
"Don't talk about my mah that way, Kenny!" Cartman replies, slugging the impoverished child in the face.
"OW! You mphrfphrkm phm mr hm mrph!" Kenny says harshly, and punches Cartman back. Garrison hears the quiet brawl, and turns to the children, worrying he may have to break up the little fight, when the bell rings. The children scatter quickly.
~~~~~~~~~~~
"MmmJimbo, I think it's commming back outmmm," Ned says, looking toward a grouping of trees. From it, a man-sized winged creature flies, heading for South Park Elementary.
"Let's move! MOOOOVE!"
~~~~~~~~~~~
"Oho, Eric, I know it may be a bit startling for you to hear this, but I do have something very important that I need to do now..." Pip states, trying to move past Cartman, who is being more than uncooperative.
"Come on, Pip old chap!" Cartman says wickedly. "Just another round of 'Pip Punch' and we'll be done!"
"Eric, really, I must go..."
"What's the matter, Frenchie? Ya chicken?" Cartman mocks.
"YEAAAAARGH!" Pip screams, pushed to his limits. He punches Cartman, knocking him to the ground, and begins walking quickly to the other side of the playground.
"Mrmphn, phr mrf frphm fr mfphrf fmrph."
"Maaaaaaam...maaaaaammm!" Cartman replies weakly, and passes out.
~~~~~~~~~~~
The creature watches as Stan stumbles, zombie-like, in the direction of his pretty young girlfriend. It reaches behind itself, and removes a small crossbow from its holster. The winged beast lays the bow across its fairly humanoid forearm, and closes one eye, taking aim...on Wendy Testaberger.
~~~~~~~~~~~
"What's that thing got ahold of, Ned?" Jimbo asks.
"Mmmlooks like a weaponmmm..." Ned replies, fascinated.
"Holy crow, Ned! Get out the big guns! Turn on the cameras! MOOOOOVE!"
~~~~~~~~~~~
"Hi, Stan!" Wendy exclaims.
Stan stares at her, and mumbles "Hey babe" much more softly than he'd hoped.
"You know, Stan, you haven't puked at all...maybe we could actually kiss today."
"Yeah, maybe," he says, trying to get closer to her, but unable to accurately judge the distance. Every time he thinks he's closer, she seems to step back. "Hold still, babe, I'll be there in a minute."
Kyle stands behind his friend, pushing him in Wendy's general direction. He hears footsteps falling behind him, and turns around, leaving Stan to fend for himself.
"What do *you* want, Pip?" Kyle asks gruffly.
"Kyle, forgive me, but I need to get past you, you see..."
"No way, dude," Kyle warns. "Wendy and Stan are gonna make sweet love, and nobody's gonna interrupt them, got it?"
"What? That can't be! How could she?" Pip mutters incoherently.
"Listen, dude, I don't know how long it takes to make sweet love," Kyle states, "but I know that it's gonna take Stan another minute just to *get* to Wendy, in his condition." He turns to look at his best friend, still stumbling aimlessly toward the girl. "So you just back off!"
"No, I won't! I won't allow him to compromise my dear sweet Wendy's virtue!" Pip shouts, shoving Kyle backwards.
"*Your* Wendy? What the hell are you talking about, Pip?"
"Step aside, Kyle. I do not wish to cause you harm, the way I did Eric...but I must speak with Wendy."
"Eric?" Kyle asks. He looks past Pip, to the other side of the playground, where Cartman is. Kenny hovers over him; it is apparent that Cartman has sustained a fatter-than-usual lip and a bloodied nose. "What the hell did you do to fatass?"
~~~~~~~~~~~
The creature notches a bolt into the crossbow.
{Come on, damn it,} it thinks. {Just get a little closer, Stan...}
~~~~~~~~~~~
"Quit moving, Wendy, I'm almost there," Stan says, wobbling nearer.
"I'm not moving, Stan...are you okay?" she asks politely, a little frightened.
"Yup," he says, and gulps. Suddenly, his face is mere inches from hers.
~~~~~~~~~~~
"Ned! NED!" Jimbo shouts.
"Mmmmwhat is it, Jimbo?"
"It's coming right for us! Shooooooot!"
"Mmmmyepper, Jimmmmbo."
~~~~~~~~~~~
{That's it, kid,} the creature thinks, as it pulls the trigger, releasing the bolt toward Wendy's back.
~~~~~~~~~~~
"I must *insist*!" Pip shouts, pushing Kyle once more, finally knocking the boy to the ground. He steps over him, and toward Stan and Wendy.
"Pip, wait!" Kyle whimpers, but it is too late.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Stan leans forward, to kiss his lovely girlfriend.
"Stan," Wendy whispers. "You're..."
"Sshhh, babe," he says, and puckers up. A moment too late, he realizes he's misjudged his distance yet again, and falls on his face.
~~~~~~~~~~~
{Oh, sh*t,} the creature considers, as its bolt pierces through Wendy's back, and into her heart...just as a rather large bullet clips one of its wings, sending it plummeting towards the hard earth.
~~~~~~~~~~~
"Wendy, I must speak with you," Pip says, nearly to the girl. He spies Stan on the ground, and is secretly pleased at the boy's mishap.
Suddenly, Wendy feels herself propelled, as though a large hand was on her back, and had shoved her. Pip catches her, and looks into her large eyes.
"Oh...Phillip," Wendy moans, and kisses Pip full on the lips.
Stan turns over and spies his girlfriend...kissing Pip. "Bleaaaargh!" he gags, retching all over the playground.
"Guess even Dramamine couldn't stop that," Kyle marvels, feeling a little queasy himself.
Cartman pulls himself up off the ground, and he and Kenny watch the display.
"Mphr MPFHR mrphf frm fphrmf fmfph I fmmph rhpfh mpfhrmp fphmr," Kenny says, peeling away a few facial bandages as he feels lunch returning to his throat.
"Yeah, even worse than that talking piece of crap..." Cartman states, his gorge rising as well.