FANSCRIPT : SOUTH PARK #7 TITLE : NEVER SAY CARTMAN, AGAIN WRITTEN BY : [email], 7/9/99
Act I -- Yachts and Plots
(Ominous music. A mysterious yacht is lowered into Stark's Pond by several black helicopters. It fills about 3/4 of the lake. The anchor is tossed out. The anchor lands on the shore.)
(Next day.)
(Cartman is walking thru a supermarket to buy cheesy-poofs. When he reaches the junk-fook aisle, he sees that all of the shelves are empty.)
Cartman: (Puzzled. Blinks twice. Then screams.) NOOOOOOO!!!
(Stan enters.)
Stan: What are you whining about now, Cartman?
(Kyle enters.)
Kyle: (Sees empty shelves. Speaks somberly.) Dude, there is no God.
(A supermarket stock boy enters wheeling dozens of boxes on a platen.)
Stan: (To stock boy.) Dude, those better be cheezy-poofs.
Cartman: Yeah, or I'll kick you in the nuts!
Stock boy: I just work here. I've got a whole dump-truck full of this stuff to stock these shelves with.
Cartman: (Looks at one of the boxes. Reads the label out loud.) "Tofu-Tots"? What the f**k are Tofu-Tots?! I want my cheesy-poofs or I'll kick you in the nuts!
Stock boy: I'm sorry. We no longer carry junk-food. We've gone "health conscious".
Cartman: (Angry.) You've gone gay, you lesbian faggot! (Grabs stock boy by the throat.) I WANT MY CHEESE-E-P!!!
Stan: Back off, dude. It's not his fault. Maybe it has something to do with that mysterious yacht in Stark's Pond?
Cartman: No sh*t, Sherlock -- like we didn't see that one coming!
Act II -- The Yacht Gets a Cartman Probe
(Night. The yacht is in Stark's Pond. A panda bear slowly drifts towards the yacht. When it reaches the yacht, we see that Cartman was wearing it on his head, while he was swimming underwater, in order to sneak up upon the boat. Cartman climbs a mooring line onto the deck. He looks around, and then climbs down into a dark hole. Cartman enters the cargo hold. He sees mountains of boxes of cheesy-poofs and snacky-cakes. He climbs on top of the tallest stack.)
Cartman: (Raises his arms.) I'm king of the world!!!
(Hears a wimpering sound. Cartman looks around and sees Rina, a young girl who looks like a female Cartman.)
Cartman: Who are you?
Rina: My name is Rina. I don't want to live any longer. I'm going to toss myself off of this tower of cheesy-poofs!
Cartman: Why would you do that? Why don't you just eat your way down until you explode; that's how I'd like to go.
Rina: My mother won't let me eat cheesy-poofs anymore. I have to spend the rest of my life eating Tofu-Tots and Corn-Poopies!
Cartman: I didn't realize it was so serious. Here, let me give you a push...
Rina: My mom is such a bitch! She thinks that just because she's Jane Fonda that she knows everything.
Cartman: I hate to be the first to tell you, but did you know that your mom's a pig-suckin', commie whore?
Rina: That's the nicest thing anybody's ever said about my mother; you're so sweet! Anyway, she and her old-ass boyfriend are trying to rid the world of junk food. They've bought all of the cheesy-poofs and snakey-cakes from South Park in order to force everyone to eat their hippie sh*t-cakes!
Cartman: What a bitch! (Whispering to Rina.) My mom's a crack-whore, but don't tell anybody ... it's a family secret.
(Their eyes connect. True understanding. Love music. Cartman and Rina fall in love.)
Cartman: Can we make sweet love, now?
Rina: Yaaaay-aaaaaaah!!!
(The two start ripping into the crates of cheesy-poofs.)
(Outside. Stan, Kyle and Kenny are standing around. Cartman and Rina enter.)
Stan: (To Kyle.) Dude, do I need glasses, or are there TWO Cartmans here?
Cartman: Very funny. This is mah main squeeze, Ms. Rina. She just told me what happened to all of the edible food 'round here. It's been bought-up by this evil dude and his ... ah ...
Rina: ... pig-sucking whore!
Cartman: Thanks, and they plan to FORCE us to eat sh*t that's healthy, and crap like that!
Kyle: This must not stand!
Stan: This is real f**ked-up, here. Rina, no offence, but your mom sucks donkey-dicks from hell -- and swallows!
Cartman: Ay!!!
Rina: Don't get mad, Eric; the pictures are on the 'net, already.
Stan: We need a plan to stop these bastards.
Cartman: We could kill Kenny; that always seems to help...
Kyle: No, dudes, we need to pirate the ship!
Act III -- Tomorrow Always Sucks
(The next day.)
(The boys and Rina place panda bears on their heads, and swim silently towards the yacht. Once they arrive, they each take turns climbing up the mooring ropes. A wide camera shot shows that there's a gang-plank. They sneak up to the bridge. It is unmanned. They relax. Ted Turner and Jane Fonda appear holding Uzi machine guns.)
Turner: What are you snot-brats doing here? Raise your hands!
Cartman: (Imitating Sean Connery.) You exphhhect me to taaalk, Gold-felcher?!
Turner: No, little boy, I expect you to die -- of cholesterol from your fatty, salty diet. Isn't that right, Jane?
Fonda: Yes, the problem really stems from the manhood-challenge faced by today's male who is not in touch with his own basic inferiority when faced with a strong female figure in our male-dominated society