ROCKY HORROR SOUTH PARK SHOW A South Park/Rocky Horror Picture Show Crossover By Arthur Levesque ([email]) This is a work in progress -- for the full story to date: http://www.erols.com/backslash/text/rh-sp.txt
I'M GONNA DIE
(to the tune of "I'm Going Home")[Grandpa and the children sing the replies in parentheses]
BIG GAY FRANK
I was just having fun (Goodbye)
My God, he's got a gun! (You'll fry)
I should just turn around and run (Time to fly)
Shoot, and that will mean I'm done... Cuz I've done, oh, many a guy
And some chicks when I was high
And I realize
I'm gonna die (You're gonna die)[Frank sits down, looks back at Riff Raff and Magenta]
Good help is so hard to find (Cleaning)
Their work sucked, I didn't mind (Dreaming)
I just want to bump and grind (Creaming)
Drinking, smoking, 'til I'm blind... Cuz I've done, oh, many a guy
And some chicks when I was high
And I realize
I'm gonna die (You're gonna die)
I'm gonna die
I'm gonna dieMagenta: That is the gayest mad scientist I have ever seen.
Riff Raff: And also the most presumptuous. You see, when I said, 'WE were to return to Transylvania'...
Stan (interrupts): You were speaking French?
Cartman: French people piss me off!
Riff Raff (ignores children): I referred only to Magenta and myself. I'm sorry, however, if you found my words misleading; but you see, you are to remain here... In spirit, anyway.
Kyle: Oh my God! That's a laser!
Cartman: Quick, everyone! Duck and cover!
[Cartman drops to the floor. Kyle kicks him.]
Riff Raff: Yes, Kyle. A laser capable of emitting a beam of pure anti-matter.
Stan: Sounds like Cartman's butt!
Cartman: Screw you!
Wendy: You mean... You're going to kill him? What's his crime?
Grandpa: Why won't anyone kill me, dammit?
Riff Raff (ignoring the kids once again): And now, Big Gay Frank, your time has come. Say goodbye to all of this, and hello... to oblivion!
[Riff Raff corners Frank with his gun, and prepares to take aim... When from out of the pool comes a voice]
Voice: Kyle...
Kyle: Mr. Hankey?
[Mr. Hankey, a talking turd, pops out of the pool]
Mr. Hankey: Howdy-ho! What's all the ruckus?
Kyle: Riff Raff is about to kill our friend Big Gay Frank!
Mr. Hankey: I reckon this looks like a job for Mr. Hankey!
[Mr. Hankey bounces between Riff and Frank]
Mr. Hankey: Hey! Stop the fighting!
Magenta: My god, what is that thing?
[Riff Raff tries to shoot Mr. Hankey, but the beams bounce off of him and hit Kathy Lee Gifford, who was standing in the back of the theater]
Wendy: Oh my God, they killed Kathy Lee!
Grandpa: Who cares?
[Suddenly, the doors burst open (again) and in comes Santa Claus!]
Santa: Mr. Hankey, we need you at the North Pole! One of those fucking stupid elves put a hat on a snowman... it came to life and now it's slaughtering the elves and reindeer!
Cartman: AAAAARHH!! No elves and reindeer ... means ... no toys!
All children: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRHHHHHH!!!!!
[The doors burst open (yet again) and in comes Jesus Christ!]
Jesus: Behold my glory...
Stan: Good God!
Jesus: Yes?
[Mr. Hankey tries to grab the gun from Riff... Santa tries to grab Mr. Hankey... Jesus attacks Santa... Satan walks in, sees all the chaos, and just silently takes a seat and watches. Laser beams and magic spells are flying all over]
Stan: Now what do we do?
Kyle: What would Brian Boitano do?
Cartman: Yeah, what would Brian Boitano do?
[Brian Boitano skates into the room]
Brian: Did someone mention my name?
Stan: What would you do if Santa, and Jesus, and... and... Mr. Hankey, and Riff Raff were all fighting, and...
Brian (interrupts): I'd leave before I got killed! Bye-ee-eee...
[Brian skates away]
Kyle: Come on, let's go.
[The children all leave. Grandpa is rolling around, trying to get shot, but can't seem to get into the path of any beams fast enough. Out in the front hall, the encounter Death walking in the front door]
Stan (to Death): They're in the ballroom.
Death: Mrrrrr
[Death walks away in the direction of the ballroom. The kids exit the house just before it takes off into space]
STUPID MOVIES
(to the tune of "Superheroes")[Note: "Superheroes" is a song from "The Rocky Horror Show" which was included in the movie's original cinematic release, but was cut out for the midnight re-lease. It has since been returned to the movie... So, some theaters have it, others don't; depending upon the age of their print. Likewise, some videotapes/laserdiscs have the song and others don't. See the RHPS FAQ for details. The actual lyrics can be easily found on-line, and any album of the stage show will have this song on it... Any version that has "Superheroes" will also have the "Science Fiction/Double Feature Reprise" over the closing credits; versions without "Superheroes" have a "Time Warp" instrumental over the closing credits]
STAN
I've watched a lot
Of TV shows
Some good, some bad
That's how it goes
But all I know is
Everything changes
Movies... WENDY
When they move the shows
To the big screen
Something is lost
Look at "Mr. Bean"
And when we do it
I hoped we'll still be
Groovy...[Cut to South Park mall, where Jesus, Santa, and Mr. Hankey are all sitting around holding Orange Smoothies]
JESUS
And meanwhile, on the TV screen
On cable, "South Park" can still be seen
By Matt Stone, and Trey Parker
With Clooney... ALL
Clooney...[The children stumble around the woods, lost, for a while longer before falling asleep...]
IT'S NOT OVER YET! ONE SCENE TO GO!!