Hey! Thanksgiving fic for those who have relatives boring them outta their minds! Hope you enjoy. All comments are welcome. BUT PLEASE COMMENT!! -me
****************************** Turkey Time
Insert legal crap here.
[Theme song]
[Garrison�s Classroom, movie is on, zooms in on TV]
Pilgrim #1: There�s a fat one!
Pilgrim #2: Shoot it shoot it!
�Big Boned� Indian (resembling Cartman): Owww!! You bastards�your supposed to be shooting fat TURKEY�S!
Pilgrim #1: Ohh.
Announcer: So that is how the indians helped the settlers.
[Lights come back on, TV is wheeled away by AV guys]
Garrison: There�s why we celebrate this great day of feast. Any questions?
Cartman: Mr. Garrison, can we leave now?
Garrison: No you little bastards, you�re staying until that bell�.(ring of bell)
[Class jumps up and scrambles for the door]
Garrison: YOU COULD HAVE WAITED FOR ME TO FINISH YOU BEEPERS!!!
[Garrison pulls bottle of vodka out of desk, takes a drink]
[Kenny�s house, family is inside sitting around the table having waffles]
Kenny: (What are we having tomorrow?)
Kenny�s Mom: Waffles son. If you beeping excuse for a father could put down that damn bottle maybe we could actually have some syrup.
Kenny�s Dad: Shut up Bitch!
[Kenny�s mom punches Kenny�s dad, brawl ensues]
Kenny: (Aww beep, not again)
Kenny�s mom: You worthless mother beeping bag of beeping beep.
Kenny�s dad: Oww my eye!
[Doorbell rings, Kenny gets up to answer it, opens door]
Kenny: (hello?)
Guy with Giant check in his hand: May I please speak to your parents, young man?
Kenny: (whatever) [turns toward parents] (Mom! It�s for you)
Kenny�s Mom: What the beep do you want?
Guy with Giant check: You have just won 5 million dollars!!
Kenny�s Mom: Holy beep! [Faints]
[Cartman�s house, Cartman is on the couch watching TV]
Cartman: MAAAMM!
Mrs. Cartman: Yes, snookums?
Cartman: I want some more cheezy poofs.
Mrs. Cartman: We�re all out honey bunch.
Cartman: Well get your bitch ass down to the store and buy some.
Mrs. Cartman: I have to cook the turkey for tomorrow Eric.
Cartman: mmaaammm! (whining)
Mrs. Cartman: Stop being difficult Eric! Here have some carrot bits.
Cartman: (whining) [Bites carrot bits] Hmm, these aren�t bad.
[Kyle�s house, Stan and Kyle are watching TV]
TV announcer: Now, let�s see the winners of the plubners leering house sweepstakes.
[Show�s entire scene of Kenny�s house]
Stan: Holy beep! That�s Kenny�s house, ohh my god! Kenny�s rich!
Kyle: You bastard!
Stan: I said he was rich, not dead.
Kyle: Sorry, instinct.
Stan: But dude, look at that.
Kyle: Wow, Kenny�s rich.
[Garrison�s House, Garrison is sitting along watching TV with vodka bottles around him]
Garrison: This .. beep � is .. no .. good .. anymore�.need something stronger.
Advertisement on TV: So on thanksgiving, buy tyson turkeys.
Garrison: [Throws vodka bottle at TV] BEEP!
[Kenny�s house, many hours after all the papers have been signed and the authorities have arrived]
IRS agent: So �mam, after sweepstakes tax, income tax, unearned income tax, federal security tax, sales tax, property tax, four assed monkey tax, and of course intern tax, that leaves you with $60. Spend carefully.
Kenny�s Dad: Give me that! [Takes money and walks out door]
Kenny�s mom: That no good piece of shit. Going to spend it all on beeping beer again!
Kenny: (Aww, beep.)
[Phone rings]
Kenny: [picks up phone] (hello?)
Kyle: Dude, I just saw you on TV, your beeping rich!
Kenny: (Beeping government took it all away!)
Kyle: All dude? They can�t do that!
Kenny: (Uhh, well almost all. I gotta go. Bye)
[Kenny hangs up phone]
Kenny: (sighs) (That drunk bastard)
[Town bar, Garrison is sitting next to Kenny�s Dad]
Garrison: Bartender, make me something really strong.
Bartender: One apocalypse coming up.
Kenny�s Dad: Yeah, I�ll have one of those too.
Bartender: Yeah right, you can�t afford a peanut.
Kenny�s Dad: Ohh yeah? [Shows bartender $60]
Bartender: Ohh. [Mixes drinks, puts them in front of Garrison and Kenny�s Dad.]
Garrison: Hey. I think I�ve seen you around before.
Kenny�s Dad: Yeah, you�re the schoolteacher, my son is in your class.
Garrison: Yeah, Kenny right?
Kenny�s Dad: Yeah that�s my boy.
Garrison: Damn kids always make me turn to the bottle.
Kenny�s Dad: Can�t remember why I started. And kids are all right, just gotta give them some patience.
Garrison: Well, I guess so. But it�s a hard knock life.
Bartender: (mumbles something) Damn rap�.remaking..good�Annie�gonna kick their�asses.
Kenny�s Dad: Yeah, well I just won 5 million dollars, and damn government only gave me sixty. Thank God they gave me that. My life is too hard to live without booze.
Bartender: (mumbles) damn rappers�kashmir�now hard knock life�
Garrison: How is your life without booze?
Kenny�s Dad: Uhh�..umm�I don�t know, hard I guess.
Bartender: (mumbles) like that damn Bill Clinton�you gotta keep it in your pants.
Garrison: Bartender?
Bartender: Yes?
Garrison: Shut the beep up!
Bartender: Buddy, I think you are a little too drunk. That�s it, go home, get the beep out of my bar!
[Kicks Mr. Garrison and Kenny�s Dad out of bar]
Garrison: Beep! It is too beeping late to buy alcohol at the store. Going � into � withdrawl�
Kenny�s Dad: Blood Alcohol level dropping� must � have beer�.
[Small screen pops up at bottom of your TV. Garrison and Kenny�s Dad BAL levels are shown dropping, finally all the way to zero]
Kenny�s Dad: Hmm. I feel better now.
Garrison: You go to hell you go to hell and you die. [leaves and walks home]
Kenny�s Dad: E=MC squared.
[Kenny�s dad starts drawing Physics equations in the ground.]
[Cartman�s house, Cartman is doing situps?]
Cartman: [Gets up, brushes himself off] Mother!
Mrs. Cartman: Yes snookums.
Cartman: May I please have a carrot stick?
Mrs. Cartman: Sure Eric.
Cartman: Thank you mother!
[Door bell rings. Cartman walks (not waddles) to door and opens it, Kyle and Stan are there]
Kyle: Holy beep! Dude, Cartman, you�ve lost weight!
Cartman: Now friends please don�t kiss up to me.
Stan: No really, damn Cartman.
Cartman: And I would prefer to be called Eric. Now would you come in and join me for some fine PBS programming and Carrot sticks.
Kyle: Eric?
Eric/Cartman: yes.
Stan: Uhh, yeah we�ll call you Eric but can we have some cheezy poofs?
Eric/Cartman: Those nasty things? No way! Get out of my house! [Slams door]
[Kyle and Stan are standing on Cartman�s doorstep. They see Kenny�s dad walk by chanting mathematical theorems.]
Stan: [Looks at Kyle]
Kyle: [Looks at Stan]
Stan: (in unison) DUDE!
Kyle: (in unison) DUDE! This is pretty beeped up right here.
Stan: Cartman want to be called Eric and hates cheezy poofs????
Kyle: And Kenny�s dad�s not drunk and is smart????
Stan: What the beep is going on?
Kyle: Hmm�maybe Chef would know.
[Chef�s house, boys ring doorbell]
Chef: [opens door] Hello children!
Boys: Hey Chef!
Chef: How are my little crackers today?
Boys: Good!
Kyle: Chef! Cartman is skinny, and he doesn�t like cheezy poofs!
Stan: And Kenny�s dad is smart and isn�t drunk!
Chef: Come in here children.
[Boys walk into Chef�s house]
Chef: Now children are you sure you saw what you saw?
Stan + Kyle: Yeah dude!
Chef: There is only one answer. THE VISITORS!
Stan + Kyle: Aliens?!? Aww�not again!
Chef: They could be anyone.
[Shot to bar]
Barkeeper: [removes mask after everyone has left he�s a visitor.] Moo.
[Back to Chef�s house]
Chef: They must be planning to attack us when we are the weakest, after thanksgiving dinner!! Ohh no children!
Stan + Kyle: Holy beep!
Chef: We must fight them!
[Kenny�s house, Kenny�s dad has just walked in]
Kenny�s mom: Where the beep have you been? Your waffle got too beeping cold!
Kenny�s dad: E=MC squared!!
Kenny�s mom: damnit, where is my $60 dollars you drunk!
Kenny�s dad: [points to shopping bag] I spent it on a turkey, and some side dishes. I bought some things for me too!
Kenny�s mom: Give me that! [opens bag, see�s turkey] Ohh my god! [faints]
Kenny�s Dad: Son, get me some H2O and some NaCl (editors note: This is why chemistry is important in life.)!!
Kenny: (what?)
Kenny�s Dad: Water and some salt. Don�t mix them!
Kenny: (ok) [walks off to get water and salt, comes back and give it to dad.]
Kenny�s Dad: thanks son! [Pulls chemistry kit out of bag, mixes some things.] There! Smelling salts! [Waves them under wife�s nose.]
Kenny�s mom: What the beep! Give me some water.
Kenny�s Dad: [Gives wife water]
Kenny�s Mom: I had the weirdest dream that you were a beeping beep and actually bought us food!
Kenny�s Dad: I did.
Kenny�s Mom: [looks in bag again.] Kenny! Get your ass in the kitchen and help me cook!
[Kenny�s Mom walks to kitchen with Kenny. Start preparing turkey]
Kenny: (how high do I set the oven?)
Kenny�s mom: Umm 400 I think.
Kenny: [Leans in oven, sets to 400, falls in oven] (beeeeep!!!)
Kenny�s Mom: Kenny! Kenny! (pause) Damnit, probably went to that fat kids house again.
[Chef�s house, boys are still over]
Stan: Ohh my god, they killed Kenny!
Kyle: You bastards!
Chef: Children!!! Have the visitors taken over your souls?
Stan: Hmm that was weird.
Kyle: yeah dude. We�re ok Chef. How are we going to stop the aliens?
Chef: We must stop everyone from eating thanksgiving dinner.
Stan: How are we supposed to do that.
Chef: I know! Since relatives will all be coming be must spread rumors and get everyone in town angry at each other. The turkey�s will burn and we will be saved!
Kyle: I don�t think you need rumors to get my mom mad at Uncle Charlie!
Chef: Children, there is no time to spare. Hurry, go about, spread those rumors hurry!
[Shows Stan, Chef and Kyle running all around town, whispering things, writing things in bathroom walls, basic rumor spreading stuff. Town seems to be a buzz with talk.]
[Chef�s house, Chef, Kyle, and Stan are laying around on the floor]
Chef: Ugh!
Stan: What time is it.
Chef: It�s 10:00pm you children better go home.
[Kyle and Stan are shown going home. Sun is seen rising over the horizon. Cars are seen pulling into homes.]
[Kyle�s House, many people are there.]
Mrs. Broslofski: Why Edith! I heard about your husband, terrible news, I�m so sorry.
Edith: What? What did you hear?
Mrs. Broslofski: That he was arrested of course, armed robbery!
Edith: You bitch! Your just jealous!
[Fight ensues]
Kyle: Kick Ass!
[Similar fights are seen all through South Park homes.]
[Chef�s house, chef is sitting alone watching TV]
Chef: What the beep is that smell? Smells like�like�BURNING TURKEYS!! Hooray!
[Kyle�s House, Mrs. Broslofski is standing near stove.]
Mrs. Broslofski: Ohh no! I burned the turkey.
[Shows charred turkey.]
Mrs. Broslofski: Now I�m going to have to find something else. Hmm�[picks up phone and dial number] Hello, I�d like to order 8 large plain cheese pizzas.
[Stan�s house, family is sitting around table with pizzas in the center.]
Mrs. Marsh: And so we give thanks for speedy�s pizza delivery. Sorry about the turkey everyone.
Relative #1: It�s ok. I have always hated turkey anyway.
Relative #2: Yeah me too.
Stan: Yeah mom, turkey sucks.
Mrs. Marsh: Watch you language Stan. So you guys don�t like turkey? Well how about next year, we have pizza again?
People around table: Yeah!
[Cartman/Eric�s house, Cartman is sitting at table next to carcass of turkey.]
Cartman: Ahh. MAAM!
Mrs. Cartman: Yes sweet cakes.
Cartman: I want some cheezy poofs.
Mrs. Cartman: But sweety, we�re all out. What about carrot bits.
Cartman: Get you bitch ass down to the store and get me some!
Mrs. Cartman: Honey, I have to clean-up�.
Cartman: (whines) maam! I said get your bitch ass down to the store!
Mrs. Cartman: OK Eric, I�m going. [walks out door with purse in hand]
[Kenny�s house, Kenny�s Dad, Kenny�s mom and Kenny�s brother are sitting around the table.]
Kenny�s Mom: I would like to thank god for this beautiful turkey.
[Shows raw turkey]
Kenny�s Mom: It is a shame our oven is broken so we were not able to cook it.
[shows oven, it has been burned up.]
Kenny�s Dad: [opens a beer] Aww hell!
Kenny�s Mom: Why do you always have to drink.
Kenny�s Dad: Shut up bitch.
[Kenny�s mom hits Kenny�s dad. Brawl ensues]
Kenny�s Brother: Mom hit dad again, hehe.
Kenny�s Dad: Oww my eye.
[shot to bar, aliens are sitting watching crystal ball.]
Alien #1: Godamnit. All those bastards ate pizza.
Alien #2: We have been foiled again.
Alien #3: Aww hell, let�s just go home.
[Aliens shown going to the pond, boarding spacecraft there, and flying away. Two people are standing near the pond.]
Mulder: Hey Scully, who was that?
Scully: You and you conspiracy theories.
Mulder: I know the truth is out there.
Scully: Ohh just shut up already and kiss me.
[Scully and Mulder shown making out.]
[Chef�s house, Stan and Kyle are over talking to Chef]
Chef: Well, I think all is well again.
Kyle: Really?
Stan: Yeah dude, we all ate pizza.
Kyle: That�s good because turkey sucks.
[knock at door, chef goes to answer it.]
Chef: [opens door] Hello. [looks down, turkey is standing at his door.]
Turkey: On behalf of turkey�s everywhere, we thank you [give Chef a pizza]
Chef: [Closes door, opens pizza box] Oooo�pepperoni!
THE END!