Hey, Leno got them on his show....
ANNOUNCER And now, official mascot of the Indiana Pacers, Daviiiid Letterman!
(audience cheers as Dave runs out.)
DAVE Thank you! Tonight we're coming to you live from South Park, Colorado!
(cheering)
Monica Lewinski!
(audience laughs)
And how 'bout them taxi drivers, 'eh? Spice Girls! Yeah! You hear about the new Spice Girl? El Nino Spice!
(more laughing)
Hee-heee! How 'bout this audience, huh Paul?
PAUL Great, Dave.
DAVE Okay, tonight on the show, we have a small sample of South Park's youth, uh, four wonderful children....
(From off stage, crashing and banging.)
KENNY (Off stage) (muffled) Oh no!
STAN (Off stage) Oh my god, they killed Kenny!
DAVE Three children.
KENNY (Off stage) (muffled) Oh, no, I'm okay!
STAN Oh, sorry Dave!
DAVE Four kids. (he sits) Okay, our first guests come from right here in South Park. Say hello to Stan Marsh, Kyle Broslofski, Eric Cartman, and Kenny McKormick. (the kids come out, and the audience cheers. Dave gets up to shake their hands.)
CARTMAN (as Dave is shaking his hand.) Thank you, Jay, it's great to be here again!
DAVE Thank you, but this isn't the Tonight Show, it's the _Late_ Show, and you've never been here before.
CARTMAN Heh. Jay's such a kidder.
(They all sit in their chairs.)
DAVE So, anyway kids, how does it feel to represent the future of South Park?
(the kids are silent.)
KYLE Dude, what the hell are you talking about?
STAN Yeah, and what's with these coffee cups? (he picks up and examines his cup.)
KENNY (muffled) Oh, cool, coffee! (he downs it in one gulp.) (he sets his cup down and giggles.)
PAUL I hope that's decaf, Dave.
(audience laughs)
CARTMAN Kenny, his family's so poor, they can't even afford caffine in their coffee!
STAN Shut up, fat ass!
CARTMAN Dude, you gotta learn to relax for the camera, right Jay?
DAVE David. David Letterman.
KYLE (interrupting) Oh, dude, cameras?
(The kids smile, wave, and make strange faces at the camera.) DAVE Yeah, anyway, moving on... (chucking an index card)
STAN Dude, look at that big space in his teeth!
KENNY (muffled) Yeah, I bet you could drive a truck through there!
(the kids and the audience laugh.)
DAVE Eric, I see you have a Stupid Pet Trick for us?
CARTMAN Yes Jay!
DAVE Dave.
CARTMAN My cat, Kitty here....
(Kitty is thrown out onto the stage.)
CARTMAN (pulling out a small bag of Cheezy Poofs.) Kitty will fetch this bag of Cheezy Poofs and bring it to me. (he throws the bag a few feet. Kitty runs after it, grabs it, and starts to run away. Cartman chases him/her and snatches the bag away.)
(The audience cheers.)
KITTY Meow?
CARTMAN No, kitty, these are my Cheezy Poofs!
KITTY Meow!
CARTMAN No, Kitty is a bad kitty!
KITTY (She/he hisses, then jumps up, grabs the bag, and runs away.)
CARTMAN God damnit!
(Dave sighs.)
KENNY (muffled) Dude, I think his hairpiece just moved!
STAN No, you just had too much coffee.
KENNY (muffled) Oh.
DAVE Huh?
KYLE Oh, uh, we were just complimenting your toupee!
DAVE Oh, thank you!
CARTMAN (taking his seat) Jay, you got a hairpiece? But your hair looked so good last time!
(Paul starts playing some music.)
DAVE We'll be right back with these litte ba....
KYLE Dude, this music sucks!
CARTMAN Yeah, my mom listens to this stuff!
KENNY (muffled) Yeah, it sounds f--k'n gay!
PAUL Hey, shut up, you little puke!
KENNY (muffled) (angry) Come here and say that, baldie!
PAUL You want a piece of me?
KENNY (muffled) I don't want a piece of you, I want the whole thing! (he rushes Paul.)
(Fighting between Paul and Kenny in the backround throughout this scene.)
CARTMAN You know, Jay, Kitty reminds me a lot of you!
DAVE Just shut up, you little bastard.
CARTMAN Ay!
PAUL (On the floor, bloody face, getting punched by Kenny.) Get the hell off of me! (he throws Kenny into the drums with a loud crash. Kenny is burried under the pile, and a puddle of blood starts to ooze from the mess.)
STAN Oh my god, Paul killed Kenny!
KYLE You bastard!
DAVE Oh, hell.
(Kitty runs in, grabs Dave's hairpiece, and runs off.)
(The kids all point and laugh at Dave, who puts his head on his desk and cries.)
(The remaining part of the band starts to play something that sounds remarkably like the South Park closing theme as the cameras cut off.)