"South Park: True Fat" by Xebot 7/6/99 [email]
[SCENE: 1870's. AN OLD-WEST BOARDING HOUSE. MAYOR AND WENDY ARE EATING.]
MAYOR: Something wrong with the beef stew, missy?
WENDY: No, I'm just looking...
MAYOR: Looking for what, dear?
WENDY: [GRABS MAYOR BY THE THROAT, SCREAMING] I'm looking for THE BEEF! Where's THE BEEF, you cheap, pig-sucking WHORE?!
[MR. HANKEY BOUNCES IN WEARING A COWBOY HAT. HE SPEAKS WITH A TEXAS DRAWL.]
HANKEY: Howdy, ho! I'm Mr. Hankey LaFleush! You might know some of my hit-singles, such as "Witchita Skidmarks" and "By the Time I Get to the Outhouse"!
[WENDY AND MAYOR SIT DOWN AND COMPOSE THEMSELVES.]
MAYOR: Well, why don't you join us, Mr. Hankey. I'm sure you'll find something you like.
HANKEY: Wow, gravy! [TO WENDY] I understand that you're looking for the trampler of your azaleas?
WENDY: [SNIFFLING] They were killed by a low-life by the name of Tom McCormick.
HANKEY: He's also wanted in Texas. Went by the name of Ken Chaney. Seems he gumby-poked Glen Campbell. I plan to take him back to Texas and hang 'em!
WENDY: Well, "I" plan to take him back to South Gulch and hang 'em THERE! And I DON'T need any help from some Texas tea-bag!
HANKEY: But I'm not from Texas. Why do people always think of Texas when they see me?
WENDY: [TO MAYOR] I'm looking for the meanest, ugliest Marshall in the whole Wild, Wild West -- I need a Marshall with TRUE FAT, and a movie that doesn't suck!
MAYOR: Meanest, ugliest, fattest Marshall I know is a drunk! Little girl like you don't want nothing to do with the likes of Rooster Cartman!
WENDY: Thanks. Now all I need are some supplies and a good horse to geld.
MAYOR: Livery stable's got plenty of geldings.
WENDY: I'm practicing for my wedding night. Excuse me, I have to see a man about a horse.
HANKEY: Don't tease!
[SCENE: BACK ROOM OF A CHINESE LAUNDRY. ROOSTER CARTMAN AND HIS CHINESE FRIEND, WU FAT, ARE PLAYING CARDS. CARTMAN HAS AN EYE-PATCH, AND SLURS HIS SPEECH. MR. HANKEY IS WATCHING THE GAME. WENDY ENTERS.]
WENDY: [SEES MR. HANKEY.] What are you doing here, you Texas tube-steak?!
HANKEY: Marshall and I are goin' after Ken Chaney.
CARTMAN: [TO WU FAT] Well, Wu Fat, you win again. Never play cards with a Chinaman; you can never tell if they're bluffing or not. OK, Wu, you get to be Natasha Kinski tonight.
WU FAT: [SMILES.]
CARTMAN: [DRINKS FROM A JUG, LOOKS AT WENDY, DRINKS AGAIN, THEN LOOKS AT WU FAT.] Wu Fat, I thought I told you to shoot that scraggly, old bitch that's been hanging around here.
WU FAT: No, Mr. Cartman, this new bitch!
WENDY: I'm not a bitch, you slant-eyed butt-boy! Marshall, you're disgusting! They told me you had True Fat!
WU FAT: Yes, I wash your skanky dress, yes?
WENDY: [EYES SQUINT] I said TRUE FAT, NOT WU FAT!
CARTMAN: Wu is a bit hard at hearing. I shot his left ear off last night.
WENDY: What were you aiming at?
CARTMAN: Well ... actually I was cleaning my gun, and forgot that I was still holding my pistol.
WENDY: How do I know you've got True Fat?
CARTMAN: You see that horse over there in the corner?
WENDY: Yes.
CARTMAN: [TO THE HORSE.] Mr. Horse, I've got a horse-writ writ for a horse that says you're to stop eating Wu Fat's mattress. [TO WENDY.] See? They don't listen...
[CARTMAN JUMPS ON THE HORSE, AND IT COLLAPSES. ALL WE SEE ARE TWO HOOFS STICKING OUT FROM THE SIDES OF CARTMAN'S ASS CHEEKS.]
WENDY: I guess you do have True Fat. Is the poor little horsey OK?
CARTMAN: Uh, yeah. [MAKES A HAPPY WHINNY SOUND FROM THE SIDE OF HIS MOUTH.]
[CARTMAN, MR. HANKEY, AND WENDY ON THE TRAIL. CARTMAN DRINKS FROM A JUG AND THEN HANDS IT TO MR. HANKEY.]
WENDY: Would you like to hear a dirty story?
CARTMAN: OK, sister, let's hear it.
WENDY: I'll tell it if you stop drinking.
CARTMAN: No, but I'll sh*t if you ever stop talking!
HANKEY: Shut the F**K UP, BITCH!
CARTMAN: Here's what you need, sister; [TOSSES WENDY A SMALL ITEM FROM HIS SADDLE BAG.] a good ol' corn-poopie!
HANKEY: Lots of fiber!
WENDY: But this one's got blood on it.
CARTMAN: What the f**k do you expect out here?! A f**kin' Hebrew National deli truck to drive up and serve you kosher corn-poopies?! Luckily, we're in the Old West and Jews haven't been invented yet.
HANKEY: Marshall, I hear something.
CARTMAN: Yeah, riders. I can see them down in the valley. Yup, it's Lucky Stan Pepper and his gang. I once shot Stan in his upper lip.
WENDY: What were you aiming for?
CARTMAN: Some guy's penis, I forget his name.
WENDY: Can you see Ken Chaney?
CARTMAN: I'm not sure. I'll ride down by myself. You two wait here. I've got a score to settle with Lucky Stan.
[SCENE: THE LOW VALLEY. CARTMAN RIDES DOWN TO FACE LUCKY STAN AND HIS GANG. THEY STOP TO FACE EACH OTHER ABOUT 200 YARDS APART.]
STAN: Howdy, Cartman.
CARTMAN: Howdy, Stan. How's your lip?
STAN: Not as bad as your gonna feel when we pop your fat-ass!
CARTMAN: Sounds like a lotta BULL TALK for a one-lip faggot!!!
STAN: Did you just cop my line, dude? Now, THAT gets me PISSED! OK, you butt-cyclops, DIE!!!
[CARTMAN AND THE GANG RIDE TOWARDS EACH OTHER. CARTMAN IS RIDING AND SHOOTING WITH A BAG OF CORN-POOPIES IN HIS MOUTH.]
[CARTMAN SHOOTS ONE RIDER AFTER THE OTHER, UNTIL HIS HORSE IS SHOT. IT'S JUST CARTMAN AND STAN. CARTMAN IS ON THE GROUND WITH HIS LEG CAUGHT BENEATH HIS HORSE.]
CARTMAN: [TO HIS HORSE.] OK, so you got your revenge; yes, now I know how it feels, Mr. Horsey.
[STAN RIDES UP, AND POINTS HIS RIFLE AT CARTMAN'S ASS.]
[SCENE: BACK WITH WENDY AND MR. HANKEY ON THE HILLTOP. WENDY WALKS DOWN TO A STREAM, AND SUPRISES KEN (KENNY) CHANEY.]
WENDY: Hey! You're Ken Chaney! You trampled my azaleas!
KENNY: Mrrrrrm?
WENDY: Don't play dumb with me.
[WENDY DRAWS A HUGE PISTOL, WHICH SHE CAN BARELY RAISE. KENNY MOVES TOWARDS HER.]
WENDY: STOP! I'll shoot!
[KENNY MOVES CLOSER.]
WENDY: You asked for it!!!
[WENDY CLOSES HER EYES, AND SHOOTS. THE BULLET RICOCHETS OFF A ROCK...]
KENNY: HOO-HOO!
[...AND HITS A TREE BRANCH, WHICH FALLS, AND SKEWERS KENNY LIKE IN "THE OMEN".]
WENDY: Eat my forest, BITCH!
[SCENE: BACK WITH STAN AND CARTMAN.]
STAN: Goodbye, Mr. Chubbs!
[A SHOT RINGS OUT. STAN DROPS FROM HIS HORSE, DEAD.]
CARTMAN: [LOOKS UP AND SEES MR. HANKEY.] Thanks Mr. Hankey, you saved my life.
HANKEY: I couldn't let them kill a colon like yours!
CARTMAN: Well, I guess we better be heading back.
HANKEY: Wendy's just up the hill. I'll help you walk. Just be careful not to step on any lava-snakes.